Danny stirred awake. He could hear the familiar soft chattering of his team in his living room. He rubbed the sleep off his eyes and slowly sat up on his bed. He walked over to the door and was about to open the door when he heard what Steve was saying.
"...I just, I don't know if it'll ever be the same again." Steve said, his voice filled with regret. "I wish I had been there for him earlier. He was always there for me and I don't know.. I figured it would always be that way. He always spoke his mind so I never thought to ask him if he was alright. And by the time I noticed anything, he was already way too hurt. I failed him. I let my partner down."
Danny froze. Why would Steve think that? It wasn't his fault. If anything, it was Danny's fault for being inadequate. Not Steve's.
"Steve, come on. This is not on you alone. We should all have been there for him. We all knew he was going through a difficult time. But we thought Danny was Danny. He would say it if something was bothering him. And we took that for granted." He heard Chin say.
"Yeah, we should all have done things differently but that's done. We can't change what happened. But we can definitely change how we go about doing things from here on out. I don't want to lose Danny."
What was Kono saying? Did she mean it? She didn't want to lose him. No it didn't make sense. Didn't they want to get rid of him? This was the perfect time to do so. They had every reason to leave now.
"We won't lose him. Danny's a tough one. And this guy, he's one of the best. He helped Samantha out after her kidnapping and I'm sure he'll be able to help Danny out. Besides, Danny has all of us supporting him so he's going to be fine."
So they know? That he was seeking help. That there was something wrong with him. Then why are they still here? Shouldn't they be shunning him. They're here to support him? Danny couldn't understand what was going on. His team was talking about him. But they weren't saying things he thought they would say. They sounded like they genuinely cared about him. Danny's eyes welled up with tears and he wiped it off before opening the door.
"You didn't let me down, Steve." He said. "I did. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.' He said as he tried to make sense of everything.
Kono walked up to his side, held his hand and hugged him "Danny. Don't apologise. This isn't something you chose." She said. "You're going through a tough time, it's not your fault."
"Kono's right. We have no idea what you're going through. But know that we aren't leaving you to face this alone. Danny we're sorry we weren't there for you but now we will be here to help you every step of the way." Chin said as he placed a hand on Danny's shoulder before he, too, took him in a hug. "Danny, we care about you, and we're going to get through this, okay?"
Danny nodded, the tears that he was trying so hard to suppress trickled down his face as he returned the hug from Chin. His friends were here to stay and that was all he needed at the moment. Chin and Kono led him to the couch and he sat down next to Lou.
"Hey, Danny. You know you can always count on us. We're not going anywhere, now." Lou said as he patted Danny on his back.
He couldn't speak. How wrong he felt for having pushed his team away. How guilty he felt for thinking they would shun him once they knew he was seeking psych help. Yet there they all were. He looked up to look at Steve who was looking back at him with small smile on his face and watery eyes.
...
"Danny?" Steve looked at his partner who was twiddling his thumb nervously.
"Hmm.." Danny responded, his eyes focussed on the receptionist desk in front of him.
"Don't worry, alright? I'll be waiting for you right outside. It's gonna be alright." Steve said as they waited outside the doctor's office. They had managed to get an appointment with Dr Hagen, the therapist that Lou recommended and Steve had accompanied Danny to the first appointment despite him saying he didn't need company.
Honestly, Danny was still pretty unsure about this. He had no idea what it would be like and whether it would even help him. But he had promised to give it a shot and he couldn't let his team down. Not again.
"Mr Daniel Williams?" The nurse called.
Danny looked up and his eyes clearly showed his nervousness. The nurse smiled at him. "Good morning, Mr Williams. Dr Hagen is ready for you." She said as she led the way to a room down the long corridor.
Danny turned to Steve. "I'll be right here." Steve said again, patting Danny's shoulder reassuringly as Danny nodded his head.
"Hi! Good Morning, Mr Williams." The doctor spoke with a soft yet cheerful voice, smiling at him as he entered the room.
Danny attempted a smile which probably ended up looking more like a grimace. "Good morning, doc."
"Have a seat. Come on," he said as he saw Danny hesitating at the door.
Danny slowly made his way to the couch where the doctor was, his eyes scanning the room quickly.
"If it's alright, can I call you Daniel?" He asked.
"Danny.. You can call me Danny."
"Alright then, Danny." Dr Hagen said. "So, how are we doing today?"
"I'm alright.." Danny said, not meeting the doctor's eye.
The doctor smiled. "Would you like a drink?"
"No thanks." He said, shifting uncomfortably.
"Alright, Danny. You can relax in here, okay? Why don't we start with you telling me more about yourself?"
Danny finally looked up to face Dr Hagen. He hesitated again. What was he supposed to say? Where was he supposed to start? But Dr Hagen nodded at him with a small smile on his face. "I uh.. I don't know where to start." Danny confessed.
"It's okay. Just speak your mind. You can tell me about your family, your job. Anything you feel like talking about. How about this? Have there been any major changes in your life recently?"
Danny took a deep breath. Let's get this over and done with, he thought.
"Yeah actually.. My uhh my brother.. He recently.. Recently passed away."
"I'm sorry for your loss."
"I haven't been.. I don't know I don't think I've been okay ever since." Danny said. "I haven't been sleeping well.."
"I take it you two were close."
"I don't think I'm.. ready to talk about this."
The doctor nodded. "Okay. Then let's talk about something else."
So he began to speak. He told the doctor about Jersey, his family, about Rachel and Grace. He had broken down thrice in their hour-long session. When he told the doctor about Billy Selway and how he was the one who caused his best friend's death. The guilt had always been there even if he had buried it deep inside him the past years. He cried again when he told the doctor about his partner in Jersey, Grace Tilwell and how he hadn't been able to save her. How he had so unfairly escaped unscathed while she had lost her life sitting right next to him. And again, he had cried when he told the doctor about his divorce with Rachel and how he had failed to be enough for his ex-wife and daughter.
The doctor nodded in understanding. "You know, at a time like this, I would offer you a beer. But umm.. You know professional code of conduct and all.." The doctor said as he slid a glass of water towards Danny. "This is the best I can do."
Danny grabbed the glass of water and took a small sip. "I'm sorry. I'm really sorry." He was ashamed. When had he become so weak? He didn't use to cry this easily. But now, the smallest thing was enough to trigger his tears.
"Don't be. Why are you sorry? You know, since young, we've been trained to keep our emotions under wraps, to control it. Don't show your anger. Don't show your sadness. Don't show your disappointment.. But we aren't robots. We have emotions for a reason. They're... They're an outlet for us to express ourselves. If we can't properly express our anger, sadness, disappointment, how do we express our happiness? So don't be sorry for showing emotions, Danny."
Danny wiped the tears in his eyes with the piece of tissue that Dr Hagen handed him.
"Danny, I'm really glad you opened up to me today." Dr Hagen said. "I think we made good progress in your first session. But I'm afraid we have come to the end of our session for today. We're going to pick up where we left off next week, alright? I'll prescribe you some pills and I understand you recently suffered some trauma to your kidneys so I'm adjusting the dosage for you. It should be safe for you, alright? Do you have any questions for me, Danny?"
Danny shook his head.
"Okay, so I'll see you again."
"Thank you, doc."
"Take care."
Danny left the room feeling pretty much the same as when he entered. Nothing had changed. Well, he wasn't as nervous but he thought he would feel lighter after the session but he felt the same. Steve was sitting at the waiting area, as promised, and he immediately rose to his feet as he saw Danny walking towards him.
"Hey, how did it go?" Steve noticed his reddened eyes and nose.
"It's alright." Danny said, he didn't offer any more information.
...
"Hi, Danny. How're you doing today? You look good." Dr Hagen said.
Danny nodded. "I've been getting more sleep."
"That's good."
It had been a month now that Danny was seeing Dr Hagen and he was starting to feel better. Some days the depression still hit hard and he didn't feel like seeing anyone but other days, he felt alright, almost normal. He had opened up slightly more to the doctor, telling him about his move to Hawaii, how difficult it had been to adjust to life there initially till Steve came along and pulled him into the ohana. How he had made a small home for himself on the island and how his team had become family. But he still hadn't been able to open up about Matthew. He had locked up his feelings somewhere deep inside and he was afraid to let it out. But he felt like maybe now it was time.
Danny licked his lips and cracked his knuckles nervously.
"You alright?" Dr Hagen asked.
"Yeah.. So uh.. the other night.. I was asleep and I had another nightmare. It was my brother. I felt like I was transported back to Columbia."
"Columbia?"
"That..that's where he died. I found his body.. In a.. in an.. oil barrel. He was murdered." Danny said, breathing unevenly.
Doctor Hagen nodded, his face not showing any emotions as he allowed Danny to continue.
"It's my fault. If I had just... You know my brother he uhh did some very wrong things. He was involved in crime... But he didn't deserve to die the way he did. I should have stopped him. I killed him. He's dead because of me.. Just like Billy Selway and... Grace Tilwell I'm... They died because of me. It's all my fault."
"Danny, you're holding a lot of guilt in yourself. You need to let go of them. None of the things that happened is your fault. They were beyond your control."
"No.. If I had shot him and stopped him from leaving, Matty would still be alive. I was a coward. I couldnt pull the trigger. And because of that, Matty got captured and killed... Billy died trying to save me and Grace? She was shot right next to me and.. what kind of a useless partner was I? I let them die. The people I cared about. They died because of me. And I'm scared. I'm afraid.. That I'm not good enough for my team. I.. I'm afraid I'll end up not being able to have their backs. That I'll fail Steve.. The way I failed Grace. That I'll fail all of them, Chin, Kono, Lou.."
"Does your team feel that way?" Dr Hagen asked.
Danny fell silent. He shook his head.
"There you have your answer. Your feelings of inadequacy, they stem from your previous trauma. Its understandable to feel guilt sometimes. But you shouldn't let that guilt engulf you. Especially if it is something you cannot predict. Danny, what happened with your brother was unfortunate, maybe you could have done things differently. You could have stopped him. But how sure are you that he would be alive today if you had done things differently? No one blames you for what happened so all the more you shouldn't blame yourself."
"I.. should have done things differently. I can't seem to do anything right. I just end up hurting those around me. And I don't want that anymore. I don't want to let my team down."
"Why do you think you are?" The doctor asked.
"I.. I'm just not good enough." Danny said as he buried his head in his hands.
"Is that what your team thinks of you? That you're not good enough?" Danny didn't answer. He knew now that his team didn't think that way but he still felt like he wasn't good enough for them. "These people. Let me see.. Steve, Kono, Chin and Lou am I right?" The doctor said looking down at his notes. "Do they feel that way about you? Because from what you've told me about them it seems like the bond you share with them is strong."
"Yeah. They're my family here." Danny nodded.
"Well, Danny.. I'm not sure if Steve has told you, but I spoke to him recently." Dr Hagen said. Danny looked up in surprise.
"You did?" Danny asked.
"Yes. He's your medical proxy and I needed to ask him some questions about you."
Danny swallowed, afraid to know what they had talked about. "What did he say?"
"Well, we talked about a lot of things. And I can assure you, Danny. Your partner and team want and need you. He told me that you saved his life."
"I don't get you. I never.."
"Not once, he said. But several times." Dr Hagen continued. "I'll let him tell you about it himself. So I have a homework for you. You're going to ask him about this. Have a conversation with your partner."
"But.."
"No buts. This is your assignment. Next session, you're going to tell me about it." Dr Hagen said.
Danny reluctantly agreed. They talked for a while more before the session ended. He got out of the room to find Steve waiting for him. He had come in alone that day as Steve had gotten a call from work so he wasn't expecting Steve to be there when he got put of the roon. But he was glad to see his partner.
"Hey," Danny said. "What are you doing here? You had work."
"Yeah, I settled things and I'm here to take you home. How did it go today?"
Danny took a deep breath. "Uhh it was good.. Yeah. Umm..Actually, I don't want to go home yet." Danny said. "Can you take me somewhere?"
Steve looked confused at his partner. "Sure thing, buddy. You alright?"
"Yeah." I will be.
...
A/N: Thanks for the reviews on the previous chapter guys. Hope you all liked this one too. The next one should be coming soon:) Thanks for reading and do let me know what you think!