Author's Note: Thank you to everyone who reviewed Chapter 35. I know it was different, and while it was something I loved the idea of, I wasn't sure how well it would go over so I'm glad to know that many of my readers seemed to like and appreciate it.
Once again I want to apologize for how long it's taken me to complete and post this chapter. I haven't gone away again and am still intent on continuing this story. I've just been swamped and mentally exhausted for much of the past several months. Wanting to write and wanting to just turn my brain off and not think do not exactly go hand in hand, and unfortunately the latter tended to win out more often than the former. I will try to do better though, and hopefully, this one's worth the wait.
As always, I hope you enjoy this one and when you get to the end, please let me know what you think.
Hope you're all healthy and staying safe.
Chapter Thirty Six
"Clear," Matt heard the doctor call from inside Gabby's hospital room despite the closed door right before he saw the woman shock Gabby's heart yet again. He hadn't moved from the spot he'd been left in when they forced him into the hall. He just stood there, barely able to breathe let alone move, hand on the window that looked into the room, as he stared into it, the view giving him a clear view of exactly what was going on. He wasn't sure why they hadn't closed the blinds after forcing him out, but he tried to tell himself it was because they believed they'd be able to get Gabby back and therefore, didn't think there was any harm in him seeing what was happening.
He wasn't sure how much time had passed. He felt like it had been hours, but logically, he knew that couldn't be the case. They wouldn't spend hours trying to get her back; it wouldn't take even close to that long for them to decide that it was futile. So he knew it was probably just that the absolute terror that had settled in the pit of his stomach was making the seconds drag on and feel like minutes or hours.
Because he was absolutely terrified. Forget all the close calls he'd had as a firefighter or the night when he was a teenager watching his mother get arrested for killing his father and realizing that he suddenly had no idea where he was going to go or what was going to become of him. No, it was these moments that were right up there with the day of Gabby's accident when he was stuck in the waiting room knowing that there was a real possibility she could die as the scariest moments of his life.
He couldn't lose her. Not to this. As hard as letting her go without a fight had been, he'd at least had the comfort of believing that he was giving her what she needed, of knowing that she was alive and safe and okay. But he was pretty sure that a world in which Gabby Dawson died of anything other than old age wasn't a world he'd ever be able to accept or a world he'd be able to find any comfort in. He loved her too much for that, and there was no doubt in his mind that he always would.
"Come on baby. Stay with me," he said again even though outside her room, he was sure that there was no way she could hear him. Still, as he watched the doctors give her a shot of something and then shock her heart yet again, saying it seemed better than staying silent, like voicing it would will the universe into keeping Gabby alive.
Suddenly, the paddles were being placed down, the crash cart was being moved away from Gabby's bedside, and the medical staff was starting to disperse. In an instant, Matt felt infinitely more terrified. Why were they stopping? It could only mean two things. Either they'd gotten Gabby back or she was dead. He couldn't bring himself to look at the monitors and see which one was true. If it was the latter, well, as long as he didn't look, then he could hold onto the hope that the love of his life was still here, and the fear that she wasn't left him feeling even more paralyzed than he had been before. But if it was the former, then by not looking, he was just torturing himself, forcing himself to spend more time in unnecessary fear.
"You can go back in now Matt," Shauna, one of the nurses, caught his attention as she emerged from Gabby's room.
"Is she –" Matt started before his voice trailed off, unable to get the words out.
"She's alive and stable," Shauna reassured him. "I'm sure her doctors will want to run some tests to see if they can figure out what caused this, but she's fine for now. I wouldn't have told you to go back in if she wasn't."
"I'm sorry. I –" Matt started to apologize, feeling like he should have been able to figure that out.
"It's okay. I know that couldn't have been easy to watch," Shauna insisted. "Now why don't you quit talking to me and go back in there and see for yourself."
"Thanks," Matt was grateful to the nurse for what she'd done when Gabby coded and then just now with him. Really, he was grateful for everything every doctor, nurse, and aide, who had treated or taken care of Gabby since the accident, had done even if he often got frustrated with them for not having any answers. When this was all over, he was going to have to figure out something really nice to do for everyone here. For now though, all he could do was hope that this time they would be able to find answers, that they'd be able to figure out why Gabby's heart had stopped so that they could make sure it never happened again.
Surprisingly, he slowly walked back into Gabby's room, not really sure why he wasn't racing to his beloved's side to see for himself that he hadn't lost her. What he did know though was that by moving this slowly, he was able to take everything in. The pictures and flowers and personal effects that had been spread out around the room for months, indicating that this little room had become his and Gabby's home away from home; very little was out of place. In fact, the main thing that seemed to have been moved was his chair. Instead of being in its permanent spot to the right of Gabby's bed, positioned between her head and her chest and as close to the bed as he could get it without intruding on the wires and machines, his chair had been pushed back against the wall, right next to the bathroom door. It must have been in the way.
Gabby lay on her back in a slightly raised hospital bed, her arms at her side, just as she had for most of the past three and a half months. The aides would occasionally shift her position, trying to avoid bed sores no doubt, but after enough time had passed, they always returned her to this standard position. Lying in the bed, Gabby looked so small, especially compared to the larger than life woman she'd been before the accident. But she'd looked small the first time he'd seen her after the accident and that hadn't changed once in the months since. That was probably the main reason he didn't find it more distressing right now. In some horrible way, he'd gotten used to it. Although that fact was distressing in its own way.
The monitors had returned to emitting a calm, steady beating so different from all the alarms that had been going off before. It was that familiar sound that allowed him to relax and fully believe what Shauna had told him, that gave him a source of comfort he had never wanted until now. He hadn't reached Gabby's bedside yet, but that sound was proof that he hadn't lost her. Gabby Dawson had not died tonight.
"Thank God baby," he muttered as he got closer. He was so unbelievably grateful that she was still here. A tear started forming in his eye, and he moved to wipe it away before stopping. This wasn't a tear of sadness. It was a tear of not quite joy but at least relief, and there was no reason not to let it fall. He was going to bask in the fact that his love was still alive. When he reached her bedside, he leaned down, placing a kiss on her forehead and another one on her lips before letting his head rest against hers for a few moments.
Eventually he got back up and grabbed his chair, bringing it back to her bedside. As he took a seat, his eyes drifted down Gabby's body, stopping to take in the rise and fall of her chest as she breathed. It was another sign that she was alive, and it brought another tear to his eyes.
With the chair back in its usual spot, he sat down and reached out to take Gabby's hand in his. He clutched it tightly as he brought it to his lips, kissing it as well and then letting it linger, not wanting to lose the contact. Ultimately though, the angle got too awkward, and he found himself placing Gabby's hand back down on the bed. He wasn't letting go though as he rested his own arm on the mattress, next to hers, continuing to keep her hand clasped in his. With his other hand, he reached up and began stroking the side of her face.
"Oh Gabby. Don't you ever scare me like that again. Don't you dare. I…I," his voice got caught in his throat as the tears started flowing freely, and he found himself having to pause before finding his voice again. "God Gabby, you're everything to me, whether we're together or not, you're everything to me. I hope you still know that. Nothing scares me more than the thought of losing you. The idea of you dying is just too unbearable. I can't imagine a world where that happens. I don't know how I'd go on in a world where that happens. I don't know how a world where that happens could ever be a good world. Not just because of what I would lose, but because of what the world would lose. It's not just that you make my world good Gabby. It's that people like you, good, kind-hearted, selfless people like you, are what makes the whole world good. So don't do that again. Don't code again. Don't die Gabby. You can't die.
"I love you so much. I don't know if you can hear me, but I hope you can because you have to hear what I'm saying. You have to know that I love you more than anything. I love you with my whole heart and my whole soul and that is never going to change. No matter what happens that is not going to change. You're it for me Gabby. You always have been, whether I realized it or not, and you always will be. I'm here. I need you. I'm waiting for you, and I always will be.
"And if that isn't enough for you, if I'm not what you need to fight to live and to come back, then know that there are so many other people who need you, who would be devastated if you were gone. Your parents. I've gotten to know them in a way I never imagined I would before all this. Over all these months, I've seen how everything that's happened to you has crushed them. Losing you would be a blow that I don't think they could recover from. Then there's Antonio. I've always admired how close the two of you are, how he looks out for you and how much he cares for you. If you died, it would break his heart. And his kids. It's hard for your niece and nephew to see you like this even though I'm not sure Diego fully understands everything. Still, everything that's happened to you has taught them a hard lesson, one they should never have had to learn at their age, and it would only get worse if they had to bury their aunt. All your friends would miss like crazy if you were gone. They already do. That's clear every time they come visit, but at least most of them know that right now, you haven't been lost for good. I'm not trying to put all of this on you, to make it sound like it's your burden. I just want you to know that there are so many people whose lives are better because you're in it, and whether it's me or them, you have people who love you and reasons to live so don't give up. Keep fighting Gabby. Keep fighting."
As nice as it was to be back at her bedside, after everything that had just happened, it wasn't enough. He needed to be closer to her. He tried to move his chair closer to the bed, but that only gave him a few more inches. He needed more contact with her. Holding her hand and stroking her cheek wasn't enough. After what had just happened, he needed more than this, more than what he could get by sitting in a chair at her bedside. His eyes wandered around as he tried to figure out what to do, and he noticed that all the wires were on this side of the bed. That gave him an idea.
It wouldn't be the most comfortable thing in the world, and he wasn't sure he would really even properly fit, but there was no reason he couldn't get into Gabby's hospital bed with her. There was no reason why he couldn't wrap his arms around her and hold her close, why he couldn't feel her resting against him. That wasn't taking advantage of her was it? He loved her, and she still loved him. He knew the first part and believed the last part with every fiber of his being. Sure, lying in Gabby's bed with her and wrapping his arms around her was more intimate than what he'd been doing, but was it really all that different? He'd spent the majority of his time in this room having some type of physical contact with her, constantly holding her hand, regularly kissing her. So no this wasn't all that different he decided. It was something he needed, and he couldn't help but feel like maybe it was something Gabby needed too.
So with that he got out of his chair and walked around to the other Gabby's bed so that he wouldn't interfere with the wires when he climbed him. He paused when he got there, trying to take a good look so he could make sure he didn't disturb her. Only as he did so his eyes caught sight of the pictures next to Gabby's bed. Pictures of Gabby with her family and friends. Pictures of the two of them together and with 51. Pictures of Gabby with her parents and her brother.
It was those last pictures that stopped him. He knew what had just happened, but her family didn't. They had a right to know. They deserved to know. The question was just when and how to tell them. They'd be here today or tomorrow. He wasn't sure what time it was so he didn't really know. They'd be here during the day though so did he needed to tell them now or was it fine to wait. Obviously, they were currently blissfully unaware that Gabby had just almost died. If he were them, would he want to know immediately or would he want to stay unaware for as long as possible? As nice as the latter sounded in theory, he figured not being told as soon as possible would make him angry. He'd probably choose the former. Regardless, if he were Ramon, Camila, or Antonio, he figured he would rather hear the news form him than some random doctor or nurse.
Taking his phone out of his pocket, he intended to call them, but once he saw the time, he couldn't bring himself to do so. It was almost 3 AM. Gabby had survived. She was stable. Being woken up in the middle of the night in order to be told that their daughter and sister had crashed would probably just make everyone more worried and more frantic than the situation warranted. That wasn't what he wanted so calling probably wasn't the best idea. Still, he wanted to make sure they heard the news from him so he quickly decided on a different path.
"Call me when you get this," he quickly typed into a group text to the three Dawsons before putting his phone back in his pocket.
With that he sat down on Gabby's bed, leaned back and turned so that he was lying on his side. Or at least he mostly was. His legs fell off the bed at an awkward angle, but he wasn't complaining. As long as he fit in here in a way that didn't disturb or risk hurting Gabby, that was all that mattered. He wrapped his arms around Gabby and scooched closer to her. Finally, he placed his head on the pillow, letting Gabby's own head rest in the crook of his neck.
He'd regularly held Gabby while she slept when they were together. More often than not they fell asleep in each other's arms, as if they needed the closeness and the intimacy to get a good night's rest. Every night he wasn't on shift between when Gabby moved out and the accident, he'd habitually look over at her side of the bed, wanting to hold her, only to find that the emptiness staring back at him was a reflection of the emptiness in his own heart. Then in the morning as he started to wake up, he would reach for her, only to be reminded, as his arms met nothing but air and sheets, that she wasn't there. It was a bitter way to start the morning, but he'd never figured out how to stop expecting her to be there.
Now though, while it wasn't the same, wasn't even close, he couldn't deny that it felt good to hold Gabby's sleeping form again. Sure, this wasn't their bed and he wasn't even really comfortable, but this still felt familiar and natural. Despite the horrible circumstances, despite the fact that Gabby wasn't really sleeping, she looked like she was as she lay in his arms. And that was enough to give him a sense of peace he hadn't felt in a long time, and he hoped that Gabby could feel it too.
"I love you baby," he said before closing his eyes, trusting that it was safe to let sleep overtake him and looking forward to having Gabby in his arms when he woke up.
As she opened her eyes, Camila found it strange to have to adjust to the brightly lit room. After months of not sleeping well and getting out of bed well before sunrise, the June sunlight pouring into her room was startling. It didn't help that she still woke up multiple times during the night to find herself surrounded by darkness. In a way there was something comforting about the darkness. She had no idea what it was like to be to be in a coma, but she couldn't help but think that despite lying in a well-lit hospital room, Gabriela was likely surrounded by darkness. So she liked finding herself lying in the dark. It made her feel like she and Gabriela were sharing something, which meant now that it was light out, there was no reason for her to stay in bed.
Sitting up, she searched her nightstand for her phone. It was something she did most mornings, wanting to make sure she hadn't missed a call from the hospital, before heading down to Gabriela's room. Only this time it wasn't there. Sighing at the realization that her routine had been interrupted, Camila got out of bed and searched the room. Her phone wasn't on the dresser or the floor. It hadn't fallen under the bed. As far as she could tell, it wasn't in the room at all.
Camila wracked her brain, going through everything that had happened yesterday, hoping that would help her figure out what she'd done with the thing. As usual she and Ramon had spent most of the day at the hospital, but she hadn't really used her phone; she was pretty sure she hadn't even taken it out of her bag so it seemed unlikely she'd left it there. They'd left around seven, and on the way home her sister Alma had called to check in. After they'd spoken, she noticed that her phone's battery was rather low so when she'd gotten home, she'd plugged it into a charger in the kitchen before starting to make dinner, and then she'd gone to bed pretty much once she'd finished cleaning up after the meal. She must have forgotten to grab her phone before heading upstairs.
Walking into the kitchen, she saw her phone right where she thought it would be, sitting in the charger next to the coffee maker. Her eyes quickly shifted to the coffee maker though. Coffee sounded good. Not just good actually. Considering how poorly she'd been sleeping, coffee sounded necessary. Taking a quick detour, she stopped by the pantry and grabbed a canister of coffee, opening it as she arrived at the coffee maker and her phone. She was about to put the canister down on the counter when she glanced at her phone and noticed a text on the lock screen.
"Call me when you get this," it read. This wasn't the type of text she typically woke up to and that alone terrified her.
She dropped the canister of coffee, spilling it all over the counter, but she didn't care. There was no time to care. Yanking her phone out of the charger, she turned and raced out of the kitchen, up the stairs, and back towards her bedroom.
"Ramon. Ramon," she called frantically as she ran.
"Camila?" he questioned as he entered the hall while she was running up the stairs. The first thing he noticed once she was in front of him was the apprehensive look on her face, and he grew concerned. "Camila, what's wrong?"
"We need to call Matt," she replied as she went to unlock her phone.
"Is something wrong?" Ramon asked again when she didn't respond.
"Damn," Camila muttered instead of answering. Thanks to her nerves, her hands were shaky, and she kept getting her password wrong.
"Camila," Ramon tried again. This time he put his hands on her shoulders in an attempt to calm her down. "Breathe and tell me what's going on. Why do we need to call Matt?"
"He…he texted me overnight asking me to call him. Something…something must have ha…happened to Gabriela," Camila struggled to get the words out. Saying it out loud seemed to make her fears more real, and a lone tear fell down her cheek.
"Come. Let's go back in here and sit down," Ramon said as he tried to stay calm. He wrapped an arm around his wife and guided her back into their bedroom, sitting down on the bed with her before reaching for his own phone.
"I got it too," Ramon added when he saw Matt's text on his own phone screen.
With that he typed in his password and went straight to the phone app. After taking a deep breath, he scrolled through his contacts, selected Matt, hit call, and put the phone the on speaker. Whatever had prompted the middle of the night text, they would soon find out.
Matt was startled as the sound of his phone ringing forced him out of his slumber and back into consciousness. Quickly he closed his eyes tight, trying to block the noise out, hoping he'd fall back asleep. He wasn't ready for his dream to end. It was a great dream. Back on that life-shattering night three and a half month ago, he'd never gone to the luau. He'd never listened to Severide. Instead he'd listened to his heart and gone to see Gabby, telling her he couldn't just let go of what had happened that last shift. That he couldn't forget it and pretend it didn't mean anything because it had meant everything to him. Spending time together like that, being reminded of what they were together and what they could be together was a reminder of what they'd lost, and that should change things. They could find some way to make things work if they tried. And he kissed her, and she kissed him back. In his dream she wasn't on the road that night because she was in his arms as they talked and tried to figure out how to move forward together.
Over the past three and a half months he must have wished a thousand times that he'd gone to see her that night instead of going out and then screwing some random woman. If he had, things would be so different. He might have his girl back. He'd hopefully have his girl back, but even if he didn't, at least he and everyone else who loved her wouldn't be stuck helplessly watching her lie in a coma. The dream was a wonderful fantasy, and he would prefer to stay in it for at least a few more minutes instead of letting it go.
He couldn't though. The longer his phone rang, the more awake he felt until finally his thoughts drifted away from his dream and to who could possibly be calling him and memories of what happened earlier this morning flooded his mind. Gabby had crashed. She almost died. She hadn't though; the doctors and nurses had managed to get her back. He'd gone from absolutely terrified to so incredibly grateful. He'd needed to be near her and climbed into bed with her. Instinctively, he placed a kiss on the side of her head at the realization.
His phone stopped ringing only to start up again moments later. Whoever was calling must really want to get ahold of him. Who could it be though? As he started squirming so he could get his phone out of his pocket without having to move from the bed, one more memory. Before deciding to get some sleep, he'd reached out to Gabby's family. It must be at least one of them. Finally, getting a grip on his phone and bringing it into his sightline, he realized he was right. Ramon's name was flashing across the screen.
"Matt, what's wrong?"
"Did something happen to Gabriela?"
The panicked voices of both Ramon and Camila came across simultaneously bringing about another realization. His text must have terrified them in the same way he'd been terrified last night. Maybe he should have paid more attention to what he wrote.
"Gabby seems to be okay. Something did happen last night, but she's okay or at least as okay as she has been since the accident," he tried to keep his voice calm in the hopes that it would ease their fears. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you or make you think…" his voice trailed off. He knew he was pretty sure what their fears were or at least what they all knew was the worst case scenario. "Gabby is alive. She hasn't gotten worse or anything, but something did happen during the night. I didn't want to wake you when she was alive and stable and everything, but I thought you would want to know." He was rambling. He knew it but trying to organize his thoughts around everything that happened was proving to be a bit much.
"Matt, just tell us," Ramon interjected, eager to hear about what had happened to his daughter. Being told she was fine was a relief, but there was no way he could fully relax until he knew all the details.
Matt took a deep breath before speaking, trying to mentally prepare himself for what he had to say. Even though Gabby had survived the night, what happened was still hard for him to think about let alone talk about.
"Gabby…Gabby…she went into…cardiac arrest in the middle of the night," he stumbled over the words as he answered Ramon's question. "Her heart…it stopped. But they got her back. Thankfully, they got her heart beating again. I haven't left her side since they let me back into her room, and nothing like that's happened. Nothing out of the ordinary really," or at least what passes for it these days he silently added. "They told me that she's stable," he finished.
"Do they know what caused it? Could it happen again?" Camila asked in a shaky voice. Compared to the knowledge that her daughter had nearly died last night, the knowledge that she was stable didn't do much to calm her down. Not when for all she knew if was entirely possible that this could keep happening, that it was the beginning of things getting worse.
"They don't know why it happened. From what the nurse told me, I think she'll be taken for tests later, but I don't really know anything more than that," Matt replied, intentionally not answering the second question. Not only did he not know enough to really answer it, he didn't even want to think about the possibility that the answer could be yes.
"We're on our way," Camila quickly replied. Before anyone could say anything else, she hung up the phone.
"How is she?" Camila asked as she burst through the door and into Gabby's hospital room.
"Same," Matt didn't need to feel a need to elaborate. Not only had it been less than half an hour since Ramon's call had woken him up, Gabby's parents having eagerly raced to her side, but Camila had called him every few minutes as they drove to the hospital. At this point, she and Ramon knew pretty much just as much as he did.
"I suppose that's good," Ramon said as he approached Gabby's bedside and eyed Matt, who hadn't moved from Gabby's bed.
"I just –" Matt started to explain, feeling a need to explain why he was lying in bed with and holding the man's comatose daughter.
"I understand," Ramon cut him as he took a seat in Matt's usual chair. "Being here when everything happened couldn't have been easy."
"Should we call a doctor?" Camila asked.
Neither Matt nor Ramon responded, both men unsure of what the correct answer was. Would a doctor be able to tell them anything or was it simply a waste of time? And if it was a waste of time, how would that make them feel? All Matt knew was two things. First, that no doctor had been by since everything happened during the night. If they knew something he should know, he had to imagine they would have told him. Ramon and Camila had long ago made sure that he was treated just like them and Antonio. The other thing he knew was the they were approaching morning rounds. A doctor always stopped by and talked to them then even though on most days it was a very brief conversation.
"We should call a doctor," Camila answered own her question before pressing the call button on the side of Gabby's bed. The three of them then sitting in silence for a few minutes until Audrey, one of the day nurses, came into the room.
"What can I do for you?" Audrey asked.
"We were hoping for an update after what happened," Camila said. "I don't know if you could give us one or if only a doctor would have it, but I need to know what's going on."
"What happened last night?" Audrey asked rhetorically. "I just came on a few minutes ago so I don't know the details of what happened yet or have any information for you, but I'll see what I can find out."
With that Audrey headed out of the room and then came back in pushing a cart with a computer on it. Closing the door behind her, she brought up Gabby's chart. Everyone sat in silence while the nurse's eyes scanned over the information on the screen in front of her, pursing her lips a couple of time as she did so. The expression bringing another sense of nervousness to everyone in the room.
"Okay," Audrey spoke when she had finished reading everything. "It appears that Gabby's heart stopped without warning a little before three this morning. It took a few minutes, but obviously they were able to get it beating again. The machines didn't register anything before the incident that would indicate this could have happened or that explain why it did, and her vitals, herheartbeat, everything has been normal since. Dr. Sanders will be briefed when he gets in, and I'm sure he'll order some tests and scans to see if they can figure out what happened. She's stable though, and you can relax for now. We'll need to wait to see if the tests tell us anything more, but unless this happens again, it's entirely possible, probably even likely, that there's nothing to worry about. So for now just think positively."
"Thank you," Ramon told the nurse as he squeezed his wife's hand.
"You're welcome," Audrey replied. "If there's anything else I can do for you, just give me a call. I'll be here all day." With that she headed out of the room.
"Possible. Probably. Likely," a frustrated Camila let out a sigh once Audrey had closed the door behind her. "That doesn't really tell us anything does it? I should have just insisted on asking for a doctor."
"I doubt they'd know more than what Audrey was able to find in Gabriela's chart, but you heard her. Think positively," Ramon tried to reassure his wife. "Positive thoughts will do a lot more good for our girl than negative ones."
Matt simply nodded and turned his attention back to Gabby. Audrey hadn't told them anything different that what he'd been told earlier. Once again, they were stuck waiting.
"Are you sure you don't want to come with us?" Camila asked as she stood in front of the doorway that Ramon and Antonio, who had arrived several hours ago, had just walked out of.
"I'm good. Really," Matt insisted.
"You need to eat," Camila pointed out.
"I need to be here when Gabby gets back," Matt disagreed. "I know they might not be able to tell us anything right away, but she shouldn't be alone. And I…I can't be away from her right now. I would have gone with her if they would have let me."
"Okay," Camila sighed as she shook her head, recognizing that this was a battle she would lose. "We'll bring you back a sandwich or something."
"Thanks," Matt figured it was the polite thing to say.
With that Camila left the room, and Matt found himself alone in Gabby's hospital room. His mind started to wander. First to what had happened last night, to how close he had just come to losing Gabby. Then to what could be wrong with Gabby, whether or not she could crash again, and if she did, whether the outcome would be the same. For months, he'd held steadfastly to the belief that Gabby would be fine, that she'd get through this and come out the other side as the same amazing, strong woman she'd always been, that she'd wake up and reclaim her life. What happened last night though was something he hadn't seen coming, and that in itself was a reminder that no matter what he believed, no matter how much faith he had in Gabby's recovery, he had no way of knowing what was going to happen. And that was a deeply unsettling thought.
Getting up he started to pace around Gabby's room. He wasn't sure how much time had passed, how long his thoughts ran rampant, but eventually he was startled by the sound of a deep voice coming from the doorway behind him.
"Casey, where is everyone?" Boden asked.
"Chief, I didn't hear you come in," Matt turned to face the man, surprised to see another firefighter with him.
"What's going on? Where's Dawson?" Hermann's eyes darted around the room, a look of confusion spreading across his face.
"Camila, Ramon, and Antonio went to get lunch," Matt started to explain before taking a deep breath, knowing what he said next might prompt a round of questions he didn't want to answer, the two men before him having a decent understanding of how things worked around here at this point. "As for Gabby, she was taken for tests a few minutes before they headed to the cafeteria."
"Tests? I thought they did all their regular testing on Mondays and Thursdays. Today's Wednesday," Hermann's words confirmed Matt's fear. He was unfortunately going to have to get into all of this again.
"They do. I don't know if they're going to run all of that today or take her again tomorrow or what. This isn't just normal tests," Matt paused to brace himself for what came next.
"Is everything okay?" Boden couldn't help asking during the silence.
"Yes. Or I think so. At least I hope so," Matt backtracked. "I keep telling myself everything's okay because it has to be. The thing is Gabby's heart stopped in the middle of the night. They got it started again. That's why they took her for tests. They don't know what happened so they're running tests, trying to figure it out. Every time we've asked, they've told us she's stable, but…" his voice trailed off.
"But you're scared," the Chief surmised.
"Of course I'm scared. No one has any real answers for me," Matt snapped. He'd been trying to stay strong, not wanting Gabby's family to see him falling apart or for Gabby to pick up on it, but without any of them in the room, he just couldn't do it anymore.
"It's okay to be scared Casey," Hermann interjected. "If something happened to Cindy, I don't know what I'd do. I'd be absolutely terrified if she nearly died and no one knew why. You've been dealing with something happening to Dawson for months. It's amazing that you haven't fallen apart yet."
"The thing is I have. I fall apart every day. The number of times I've cried in the shower. How much I freak out inside at every unexpected noise. Every morning I wake up thinking this is it, this is going to be the day when she comes back to us, and then when it isn't, my heart breaks a little more. The only reason I haven't spent this whole time curled up in a ball on the floor is the fact that I know with every fiber of my being that Gabby is still in there and that one day I'm going to be right. One day will actually be the day that she comes back to us. That's the only thing keeping me sane," Matt admitted. Normally, at the firehouse, he wouldn't want any of his men to see him fall apart. He tried to be the calm, composed lieutenant that his job required. But here the fact that Hermann worked for him didn't matter. If anyone he knew could understand what Gabby meant to him, it was his two married coworkers, and Hermann empathizing was proof of that.
"I just don't show it because what good would it do? I don't need people's sympathy. I don't need people focused on me. I need everyone focused on Gabby, on doing whatever they can to help her," he concluded.
"You need to let it out. Keeping it bottled up isn't going to do you any good," Boden advised.
"I do let it out. Just not when anyone's around," Matt argued. "Besides I'm not the one that matters here. Gabby is."
"You matter too Casey. You matter to Dawson," Boden pointed out.
"I'm tired of people telling me that Gabby wouldn't want this for me. That she'd want me focusing on myself, that she'd want me living. Does anyone really think that Gabby would want any of this? That she'd want to spend months in a coma, missing out of her life, away from everyone she cares about? No, Gabby would never have wanted any of this. She never would have chosen any of this, but this is where we all are. She's stuck in that coma, and I'm stuck just trying to get through the day. That's the only thing that matters here," Matt lost whatever self-control he still had.
"Woah. Casey. That's not what I meant," Boden defended himself. "I was just trying to say that trying to be strong when people are around isn't going to do you or Dawson any good. And that you shouldn't lose sight of yourself in all this." The Chief knew he had to tread carefully. After everything that had happened with Severide, he knew he had to be cautious with how he approached Casey.
"I'm sorry Chief. I guess I'm just letting my frustrations out like you wanted," Matt apologized. The truth was as nice as letting his guard down was, he didn't have the energy to fight with anyone right now. After last night and with how worried he was about Gabby, he was too emotionally drained.
"Is there somewhere I can put this down," Hermann, who'd been holding a large container since arriving at the hospital, asked. He was hoping it would diffuse the situation before Casey erupted again. "My arms are getting tired." Okay, that part wasn't just an excuse. It was true.
"You can leave it over there," Matt pointed the cabinet in the corner that he often stored stuff on. "So what did Cindy make this time?" he added as Hermann moved to put the dish down. The firefighter rarely showed up without food from his wife.
"Chicken pot pie. Well, a bunch of mini ones actually," Hermann answered. "She thought that would work better than having to deal with cutting it up."
"Tell her thanks," Matt had regained himself enough to be polite.
"I will," Hermann replied.
"Matt, we got you a ham sandwich and a bowl of cut up fruit," Camila's voice filtered into the room as she opened the door. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize we had guests," she added when she spotted Boden and Hermann. "I only got enough food for Matt since he didn't want to come to the cafeteria with us."
"Don't worry about it Mrs. Dawson. We ate before we came," Boden assured the woman.
"How many times do I have to tell you to call me Camila? I think we've all gotten to know each other well enough by now to dispense with the formalities Wallace," Camila insisted.
"Fair enough. Camila then," the Chief said as Hermann tried to suppress a laugh. He liked this woman, and every time he saw her he thought he got a glimpse of where Dawson got some of her spunk from. Matt on the other hand just stood stoically; he wasn't in a laughing mood.
"So how are you three doing?" Hermann asked.
"Casey fill you in on what happened?" Antonio followed up.
"Yeah," Hermann replied.
"We're doing okay," Ramon answered the original question.
"I'll be better once I know exactly what's going on with Gabriela," Camila added.
"That's understandable," Boden sympathized.
"So how have the two of you been?" Antonio changed the subject, figuring that everyone could use a distraction. It was enough to transition the conversation to small talk, which was only broken up when an orderly came into the room. Although no one was sure how much time had passed.
"They've finished all the tests, and Gabby's on her way back up," the orderly informed everyone. "We'll need you all to clear the room so that we can get her situated again."
"Do you know anything about how everything went?" Matt couldn't help asking.
"I'm sorry, but I don't have any involvement with that," the orderly replied. "I'm sure a doctor will be by to speak to you when they're ready."
Matt let out a frustrated sigh in response.
"I'm sorry," the orderly reiterated with a slightly defensive tone.
"We understand," Ramon said. While he shared Matt's eagerness for answers, he wasn't surprised the orderly didn't have any. He'd seen enough over the past several months to understand that answers weren't part of the man's job. "I assume someone will let us know when we can come back in."
"Of course," the orderly offered Ramon a small smile.
With that the Dawson's, Hermann, Boden, and a reluctant Matt left the room. While everyone else settled into seats in the waiting room, Matt leaned against the doorway. Looking into the hall, his back was to the room and its occupants. He had a good view of the elevator though, and that was more important.
The first three times the elevator doors opened, he felt a rush of excitement, only for it to be followed by a wave of disappointment when he realized it was carrying some random person, not Gabby. The fourth time though, the excitement never dissipated; the doors opened to reveal two orderlies pushing a gurney, and as they emerged from the elevator, he could see Gabby laying on it. He knew he needed to stay out of their way, but that didn't stop his feet from moving and following them back to Gabby's room. While he kept his distance, he stayed close enough that he was always able to keep an eye on her. At least until they passed through the doorway into her room, disappearing from sight as the door closed behind them.
Stopping in front of the window that looked into Gabby's room, the one he'd spent some terrifying minutes at in the middle of the night, he felt a pang in his chest as the memory surfaced. At least this time he wasn't watching them shock Gabby's heart. Instead he watched the orderlies move her from the gurney back to her bed and then rehook her up to all the machines before heading out of the room without so much as acknowledging him.
Once they were gone, Matt headed back into Gabby's room. Maybe the polite thing to do would be to be go get everyone else from the waiting room, but he figured the hospital staff would do that. So he returned to his seat and took her hand in his, and by the time the rest of Gabby's family and visitors returned he was well situated.
"Did you hear anything?" Camila asked as she took her own seat.
"No. You?" Matt was pretty sure they hadn't been told anything either. There wasn't enough time for a doctor to have come to speak with them, and he'd spent enough time around this place to know that the staff was careful enough not to say anything that might be overheard.
"We stopped by the desk on our way back in. They said a doctor would be by to speak to us as soon as they were ready. Whatever that means," Ramon answered.
With that everyone resumed their small talk; everyone but Matt. He found himself focused solely on Gabby, unable to take his eyes off of her or engage with anyone else in the room. While it was obvious that people around him were talking, their words weren't registering, and even though he knew the others had said his name a few times, their attempts at bringing him into their conversation simply went in one ear and out the other. His need to know that Gabby was okay, his desperation for some sign were so strong that he couldn't focus on anything else.
The only thing that managed to catch his attention was the sound of a knock on the door when it eventually came.
"Come in," Antonio called, apprehension evident in his voice. Everyone knew what that knock meant. And sure enough the door opened to reveal Dr. Sanders.
"Afternoon," the doctor greeted them as he through the threshold and into the room. He was meant by silence though as everyone just kind of looked around, a wave of uneasiness settling in.
"Uh…should the Chief and I go?" Hermann broke the silence after a moment. As much as he wanted to know what was going on with Dawson, he also didn't want to overstep and intrude on what maybe should be a private conversation between her family and her doctor.
"No. It's fine. You can stay," Matt said automatically. On some unconscious level he wanted them there, like they couldn't receive bad news if they were there, like more people pulling for Gabby meant a positive result. And it's not like Boden, Hermann, and the rest of 51 weren't going to eventually find out what the doctors said.
"As long as Dr. Sanders is okay with it, I am," Camila added. It was clear to her that Matt could use the moral support from his friends and coworkers. Maybe they all could.
"I have no problem with your friends being here as long as you're okay with it. There's nothing I have to tell you that needs to be said privately with family," Dr. Sanders said.
"Okay then," Camila's voice was shaky as she indicated for the doctor to proceed.
"So I have good news and I have bad news," Dr. Sanders started, his words making Matt tense. "Unfortunately, we still don't know what caused Gabriela to go into cardiac arrest last night. None of our tests turned up anything that would explain why her heart stopped."
"So what does that mean? Her heart just stopped for no reason?" Antonio interjected.
"I'm sure there was a reason; we're just not able to find it. We know a lot about the heart, but we don't know everything. Plus, there are some things that aren't going to be detectable on scans. One of those could be the explanation, or it's possible that all the stress her body's been under for all these months and the impact of being in the coma just got to be too much," Dr. Sanders replied.
"Then this could happen again? Without warning?" Matt didn't want to say it, he was voicing some of his worst fears, but he needed to.
"That's been a risk this whole time. Nothing that's happened changes that," Dr. Sanders said.
"What about the pacemaker? I though that was supposed to keep her heart under control," Camila hadn't intended to say something; she'd just wanted to listen and absorb what the doctor was telling them, but his answers to Antonio and Matt's questions had freaked her out.
"The pacemaker regulates her heartbeat. It keeps the rhythm normal, but it can't force the heart to beat. There can be a whole host of problems associated with an abnormal heart rhythm, which is why we inserted the pacemaker. However, the pacemaker only deals with the heart's electrical system. If there's problems elsewhere, the pacemaker can't do anything. I'm sorry, but it's not a catch all. There isn't a catch all," Dr. Sanders explained. "So unfortunately if there are other issues with her heart, we can't detect them right now. They'll have to reveal themselves in time, and if they do, we'll do everything we can to treat them. I'm hoping it won't come to that though," he paused to see if he got any other questions only to be met with silence, well that and an unhappy look from many of Gabby's loved ones, especially Matt.
"I wish I had better answers for you. I do, but as I said though, I do have some good news," the doctor continued after a moment. "While we still don't know what caused Gabriela's heart to stop during the night, whatever it was it's like it gave her system a shock that it needed. Or at least that's the best explanation I can come up with. There's still so much we don't understand about the brain and comas."
"Get to the point," Matt didn't appreciate the way the doctor was babbling on instead of just telling them what was going on. This was Gabby they were talking about. Nothing was more important to him than she was. There was nothing he needed to know more than what was going on with her. And it had been so long since they'd had good news. If there was some now, well, a long introduction was just superfluous.
"I'm just trying to warn you that there's nothing I can say definitively. It's too soon to say definitively what this all means," Dr. Sanders continued. "But when we were running tests earlier, this was the first time Gabriela's shown signs of improvement. She was more responsive, and she now rates a little higher on the Glasgow Coma Scale. I want to reiterate that it's too soon to say with certainty what this means, that we're going to have to test her regularly to see if this is the beginning of an improving trend or just a new normal, and that even if the trend is improving, there's still a long way to go and no guarantee. But it's possible that she's beginning to wake up."
Smiles formed on everyone's faces as Gabby's friends and family couldn't help excitedly looking at each other. Matt squeezed Gabby's hand even tighter, hoping she could feel it. And a new sense of optimism settled over the room.
Almost a week had passed since Dr. Sanders told them that Gabby might be starting to wake up, but Matt couldn't see any difference. She was still just laying in the hospital bed, eyes closed, not seeming to react to anything he said or did. She wasn't moving or making noise. And Matt found the whole thing extremely frustrating.
The doctors had starting testing her daily, and they said that she was continuing to do better. According to the doctors, every day she showed signs of slight improvement, and they thought there was a strong possibility that she was waking up, albeit slowly. But they were still only saying possibility, they couldn't say definitively that she was waking up, which was what Matt wanted most. Well, a definitive yes and for it to be going faster. He wanted her awake now.
Which is why he found himself pacing in the small bathroom in Gabby's hospital room as he brushed his teeth. Gabby's parents and brother were taking her slow progress well, seeing the positive and the hope in the situation because the tide had finally turned in her favor. Matt, conversely, was growing increasingly impatient and desperate. Ever since they'd been told that she might finally be coming back to them, time seemed to move more slowly. The knowledge that she was waking up, because he knew in his heart that that's what was happening, made each moment in which she didn't its own form of torture. He needed his Gabby back, and he needed it now.
Finishing up his early morning routine, Matt headed back into Gabby's room. He placed a kiss on her forehead and another one on her lips before taking a seat and her hand in his.
"Morning Beautiful," Matt greeted her. "It's a beautiful day out. The sun is shining. There's barely a cloud in the sky," he'd caught a glimpse out the window on his way into the bathroom earlier. "Just one actually, and I swear it looked like a heart. Seems appropriate really since I'm here with the woman who has mine. If you wake up, we can see if it's still there, and if you agree with me or if I'm being just cheesy.
"It's just I love you Gabby, and I miss you so much. I know you're in there and coming back to us, and I hope today's the day you do. Nothing could make today better than that could. So I'm gonna keep being all corny and cheesy and whatever else I can think of because I know you can't resist a good tease so maybe it'll give you a little incentive."
"Morning," Camila's voice filtered through the room. Matt hadn't even heard the door open so he had no idea anyone else had come in.
"Where Ramon?" Matt asked as he took a brief glance up and realized that Gabby's mother was alone. He was surprised not see the man with her and couldn't help wondering if he was coming. While Matt had a hard time imagining that Gabby's father wouldn't come see his daughter today, there was plenty about Gabby's parents that didn't make sense to him right now. Even after being told that Gabby was waking up, they still went home every night. He didn't understand how they could risk not being here when the moment finally came, how being able to sleep in their own bed was worth potentially delaying when they could see and speak to Gabby. He'd abandoned the cot and had gone back to sleeping in his chair, usually after inadvertently falling asleep for that very reason. They'd argued about both those things over the past several days. The Dawsons claimed that whether they were home or in the hospital it wasn't going to change anything; Gabby would wake up when she woke up, and the doctors would have to examine her anyways so they wouldn't be missing that much time with her. He still didn't get it though. He never would.
"Trying to find a parking space. I've never seen the parking lot so full. Something must have happened overnight," Camila explained. Although Matt didn't really care about what was going on in the world or much beyond what was happening in the confines of this room so he simply nodded in response and let Camila get settled.
"I wound up leaving the car with the valet," Ramon said when he finally entered the room about fifteen minutes later, Matt wondering why he didn't just do that from the beginning.
Ramon then took his usual seat, and after unfolding the newspaper he'd been carrying, he began reading to Gabby. It was something Ramon had taken to doing daily since they were first told that Gabby was showing signs of coming out of her coma. It was as if he wanted to make sure that his daughter was fully caught up on the news when she woke up. So Matt had gotten used to spending his mornings staring at Gabby and listening to Ramon read the entire newspaper out loud. On this particular morning, Ramon had made it through the National, International, and Metro sections, and were on the third article in the Lifestyle section, something Gabby normally wouldn't have read on her own, when Audrey the nurse came in.
"I wanted to let give you the heads up that they'll be by in a couple of minutes to take Gabby for her tests," Audrey informed them.
"Think they'll actually have anything useful to tell us this time?" Matt couldn't help himself.
"Matthew," Camila scolded him.
"I'm sorry, but it's true. They don't ever actually tell us anything. They just keep saying that Gabby seems to be doing a little better each day, that she's responding a little more, that it's likely she's waking up. But they won't even come out and say for a fact that she is. Never mind tell us when we can expect her to. What's the point in everything they're doing? It seems like a useless waste of everyone's time to me," Matt's frustrations boiled over.
"I understand that nothing about this is easy for you," the nurse took it in stride. "I'm not a doctor, but Gabby's not the first coma patient I've treated. In my experience, no one can say when a coma patient will wake up until they actually do. It's not fair to the patient or their loved ones, but it's the truth. If there was some way we could figure out all the answers to your questions or something we could do to get Gabby to wake up faster, we'd do it. We can't though. I know that's not what you want to hear, and I'm sorry.
"As for Gabby's condition itself from what I understand, while she has recently been consistently showing improving, much she improves each day isn't consistent. There's no real pattern there so even if we knew how to take the data and try to extrapolate from it, which we don't, we wouldn't have the type of information we would need to make any sort of educated guess. Unfortunately, all anyone can do is be patient and wait.
"I wouldn't call our tests or anything a waste of time though. If we weren't running them, we'd have no way to know that she was improving. I know we don't have a ton of information to give you, but at least it's something."
"That's not really an answer," Matt shot back.
"I know, but it's the best I can give you," Audrey sighed.
Matt stirred slightly as he felt something in his hand. He tried to ignore it and fall back into a deeper slumber. Even though he hadn't meant to fall asleep, now that he had his instinct was to get some much needed rest. There it was again. There was definitely some sort of sensation in his hand. He moved his hand, figuring that his hand had just fallen asleep with his mind. Only it didn't do any good. The sensation followed as he felt something yet again, bringing him further out of his slumber and making him realize that there was something moving in his hand.
Pain in his neck reminded Matt that he'd fallen asleep in an awkward, uncomfortable position, which in turn reminded him of where he was. In Gabby's hospital room. More specifically in the chair next to Gabby's bed with her hand clasped firmly in his.
Gabby's hand was in his. That realization was enough to completely jerk him awake. Could it be? Hope, anticipation, and fear of disappointment all swirled within him as he slowly opened his eyes, not even taking a moment to adjust from the darkness of sleep to the brightness of the hospital room with its florescent lights aglow. Instead his focus immediately, eagerly darted towards the head of the bed before him and its occupant.
The sight that greeted him had to be the most amazing thing he'd ever seen as the big, beautiful brown eyes that he loved so much stared back at him.
"Gabby," he said almost questioningly, needing to be sure of what this meant, even though a sense of elation had already begun to overtake him.
"Matt," her lips moved as she tried to say his name. Barely a whisper came out, but it was enough for him to know that she was truly awake. A huge smile formed on his face. The moment he'd been anticipating for months having finally arrived. Gabby had come back to them just like he knew she would.
"Gabby. Oh Gabby. Thank God," Matt said before crashing his lips down onto hers, his eyes welling with tears of joy.