Chapter 25
The Tears I have Tasted
Emma blinked awake and remembered she was at Sean's in his bed. She slowly pulled off the blankets and looked at the digital clock for the time. She could see the sunshine seep into the room through the cracks in the blinds almost blinding.
Without missing a beat, Emma grabbed her shoes that were still somewhat damp and held them. She got up and found her clothes hanging and quickly folded up the ones he let her borrow and put them on top of the hamper. She quietly peered out the door and saw Sean was still asleep on the couch soundly. He looked peaceful. She tried not to make any noise and she slowly and carefully opened the front door and snuck out to go home. She was up tossing and turning most of the night. She couldn't get the things that Jay had said and she couldn't believe how real and vulnerable she got with Sean. At least she can count on him for friendship.
The hurt was still fresh, she was determined to make it through the day without breaking down over it. It was a cold morning so she rushed home with her arms hugging her body. She arrived in her room climbing through the window and couldn't help but notice Manny was putting on her makeup and dressed up for school. She acknowledged Emma and whispered, "It's so nice of you to join me. How was last night?"
Emma didn't want to cry and didn't want to talk about it for fear she'd simply burst into tears. She tried to keep her composure, she simply couldn't tell Manny to come face to face with her fear of telling her and receiving an I hate to say but I told-you-so sort of response. She just shrugged with preoccupation, "It was alright."
"Just alright?"
"Yeah," is all she could say looking in the linen closet for a fresh towel. It was the opposite of fine but she lied to save face, "It was fine."
"C'mon I want Sizzleteen details!" Manny excitedly remarked and judged Emma's less than polished appearance, "Well, what happened? You two bump uglies all night?"
"I don't know I kind of gotta get ready," Emma brushed her off as she grabbed something to wear from her small closet.
"You don't know? Well, Emma, it's a simple question," Manny asked with a chuckle, getting off the bed and advancing forward with her smile turned into a look of concern, "Wait, have you been crying?"
"No why would I be?" Emma lied and denied it and disappeared in the basement shower. Manny knew something was wrong because Emma seemed shaken and was in a rush.
Once inside Emma hung her towel on the back of the door and turned on her water. She gets out of her clothes, turns on the water, and lets it run down on her body. She slid down the tiled wall and sobbed clutching her legs and sobbed uncontrollably. She couldn't fight the tears anymore; they just kept coming. She'd tried so hard to suppress and she knew she was alone so she could give up the ruse that everything is okay. It was as if she was in the rain and no one could see her cry. She wondered, "Is this what it feels like to really cry?" It felt like a loss but maybe she was being too dramatic but it felt like pain and she had never felt quite that heartbroken before.
She had lost her heart, love being this losing game.
She had literally fallen apart, he came out of nowhere and built her back up again only for the pieces to crumble apart. No longer could Emma pretend everything was okay because at least she had a distraction from the trauma, drama, and pain. She tried to stop herself as she grabbed her shampoo and ran it through her long blonde hair.
It was fortunate when she emerged and she strained her hair that the mirrors were fogged from the warm shower because she didn't want to see her face devoid of makeup or the black tear stains that remained. She wished she could just stay home and play hooky but she had to press on. She had to be strong, she regained composure, she didn't want to talk about Jay and she didn't want to talk to Sauve about anything regarding the shooting, the nightmares because that just made it real.
She felt weak and nauseous as if her heart had managed her to lose her appetite and cause her to feel almost numb everywhere else. She couldn't eat, she didn't want to sleep, she didn't want to face everyone, she didn't want to move from that bathroom but she knew she had to fight with herself to move from there.
Emma sighed and thought maybe Jay was right about one thing, it was better when they felt nothing at all. The overwhelming tears flooded back. She took a few deep breaths as the condensation on the mirror began to melt and her face began to show. She couldn't even face herself because she didn't know the girl in the mirror staring back at her. Her reflection told a story. She never thought she'd be so beaten down by loving someone. She never thought she'd ever fall in love with anyone or Jay himself. She had fought so hard to protect herself and not feel for him but somehow he broke through and this became no ordinary heartbreak. She couldn't fathom living in a world without him by her side now that she had experienced that. No one could ever understand because they simply weren't there, and they weren't her. It affected her more than she could put into words.
She bit her lip hard trying to muffle her sobs while she kept trying to deeply breathe but she kept feeling like she couldn't breathe as if she were drowning or suffocating. She finally looked upwards and forced herself to stop somehow she forced herself to think of something to stop herself. She put on her clothes, washed her face again, put on her makeup, and fixed her hair. Manny pounded on the door, "Hurry up, we're gonna be late."
"Just a minute, Manny"
"We really don't have a minute."
"Leave without me then, I'll be late, it's no big deal."
"Remember Em, at lunch, we are talking to Sauve."
Emma didn't say anything, of course, Manny picks the worst possible day to schedule something with the counselor. Emma wasn't ready to talk about her feelings, she'd be wasting the poor woman's time and her own time. Plus she felt like the moment she opened her mouth her eyes would flood up and she didn't want to cry. She wished her heart was hardened so it would've made it easier granted it'd be unhealthy to release emotions but she'd give anything to not feel this way anymore. It was almost too much for her to bear.
…..
At school, Emma was at her locker getting her books and gym clothes for the day. Sean walked by and stood beside her on the other side, "Hey. How are you holding up?"
"I don't know, it's not even eight o'clock," Emma remarked sidetracked double-checking her books in front of her open locker. "It'll be okay I guess at least I hope so." She didn't sound confident but she tried.
Sean felt bad, he simply wanted to see her smile but there was likely nothing he could say to change her frown to a smile. He bit the bullet and asked, "Can I walk you to class?"
Emma shut her locker, locked it, and turned to him, "Yeah, okay."
They didn't talk a ton on their way to homeroom but Emma was happy to have Sean as her friend, unaware that Sean hadn't quite let go of his feelings but it was a step in the right direction. Emma wasn't in the mood to get as deep as they did last night. Unbeknownst to Emma, Sean longingly looks at Emma at homeroom, and Emma isn't aware. She just smiles back unaware if she caught him and gets back to her work. Sean had two other classes with Emma, English, and a class near the end of the day. After class ended they walked to their next classes, "I just know today is going to suck. There's no convincing me otherwise."
"Given the circumstances I understand," Sean told her kindly, "it'll take time to feel better, trust me though whatever it takes I know you'll be okay."
"I wanted to thank you again for last night."
"Don't mention it, you're fine."
The intercom sounded mid-conversation,
"Emma Nelson please report to the Guidance Office, I repeat Emma Nelson to the Guidance Office."
In response her mood managed to sour, she muttered a hushed, "damnit," under her breath.
Others in the hallway who recognized Emma simply looked at her but she ignored their sad eyes. Sean asked her with concern offering his help, "I'll walk you."
"You should get to class," she weakly told him, stopped in the hall, and turned to face him, "I don't want you to miss out on account of me."
Sean questioned her to double-check, "You sure?"
"One-hundred percent, we'll catch up after school."
"I can drop you at home on my way to my place, meet me by the steps outside after school."
"Sounds good."
Manny was at Sauve's office and Emma finally arrived, "Here she is, come on in Emma. Take a seat."
Inside Emma wanted to blurt, shoot her mouth out on how bad things were but outside she was stiff and tried to remain composed and distant.
"So how was your summer?"
"It was good," she managed to say but her answer didn't match her expression.
"Vacations? Spend time with friends?"
"Nothing like that," she muttered unfocused, "I don't know what I'm doing here."
"We never touched base last year about how you're doing. It's normal to feel like you're beyond help but I will help you. I have all day and the school year to work through this with you. I just want you to know I'm here for you whenever you need to talk, "we never worked together before so this is just me asking you some light questions in an effort to get to know you better. Your friends are concerned and she's not the only one. It appears your grades slipped in the final term and your GPA this year will continue to suffer. You are a good student."
Emma softly mumbled, "Um, okay. Who requested I see you?"
"I'm sworn to keep that secret. Excellent. We're gonna do the I am, I want and I need exercise."
"I'm Emma, but you knew that already, I want to go home and I need to not talk about anything with you because you'll only use it against me."
"Not at all, everything in here is protected, I'll tell no tales."
"Two can only keep a secret if one of them is dead."
She smiled politely changing the subject, "How was your weekend? Do anything fun?"
Emma answered, "I got dumped."
"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that."
Emma's eyes narrowed with suspicion, "Are you?"
"Yes, it's not easy to go through that. Clearly it affects you, maybe we can talk about it?"
"I honestly can't," Emma avoided her eyes knowing full well she wasn't ready to talk but she couldn't anymore, "it doesn't matter because everything was a joke, a lie, a game to him."
"What makes you say that?"
"Who could love someone like me?" Emma asked, "I'm a bad person, I bullied Rick and was among the last to see him alive."
"Emma…."
"I'm better off being gone like him." Emma saw her lift her pen to write it down, "I didn't mean it like that. It's not like I have a plan. I just sometimes want to escape from it."
"Do you ever experience nightmares?"
"All of the time."
"What happens in them?"
"Well, it's like that day like a video memory. Photographic almost. He, Rick tries to kiss me and when I recoil or pull back or say no he points a gun at me he tells me before he pulls the trigger that he was sorry and that I could've lived had I just did it or accepted it or let it happen and then bam I wake up in a cold sweat and it's over and I feel terrible. It's always in that one hallway. It's always just me. Sean or Toby wasn't there to stop him. You just hear the gunshot and I know he's coming for me and like that day I'm frozen in time. I can't move or run away, I can barely speak, my heart is beating out of my chest, I want to scream but nothing comes out I can't move and when I do speak I just beg him to leave me alone and let me live but I don't know if it's audible and I wake up and then I'm just, will it last forever?"
"It's hard to tell, but you can start a dream journal and we can evaluate your dreams and nightmares."
"Okay, I'll do it."
"As for the breakup, it'll be hard. There's nothing you can do about it and I'm not going to sugarcoat it. You're going to feel bad but if you ever feel alone know you aren't. I mean this is delving into my own personal experiences but I was ghosted by my husband several years ago and to this day I don't know where he is. He wasn't coming back because he had literally taken everything of his right down to a toothbrush and razor. I know it's not the same but I'll say in three months' time it'll hurt less." Emma softened before Sauve spoke again, "I'm sorry I didn't mean to overshare or overstep but maybe you could talk to me once a week or so about yourself. I'll give you homework and you'll come back and we'll talk more. Your friend is really concerned she wants to see you get better. I want to see you get better no question. I'm not going to tell anyone unless you're thinking about hurting or killing yourself it's my oath."
"I want to get better too. I need to, somethings gotta change."
"As I said, In time things will get better. You should give yourself credit, you are a survivor. Coming into these halls every day and being faced with what you were faced with and you still stay strong, you have such potential I admire your strength. You already completed the first step - and now you need to stop pinning the blame on you and you alone, that's where I come in and help."
"Thank-you?" Emma questioned uncomfortably playing with her hands and nervously playing with the hems on her skirt looking down, "
"As for scheduling, come back next Monday at the same time?"
"Works for me," Emma softly smiled and she wrote her a slip with the information and a pass back to class.
On her way to the art room, she walked by the shop room and saw Sean hard at work and talking to Mr. Elh about his assignment. He seemed happy, proud of himself and it made her happy knowing she had a friend in him. She lollygagged and left that wing of the hallway and aimlessly walked until she heard the bells ring out for dismissal. She walked to her locker and placed her books inside for the night. Fortunately, no homework as far as she knew so she made her way home.
Emma took the front doors out and heard her name being called, "Emma! Sorry I was late getting to you."
Emma stopped, turned around while she blocked the sun from her eyes, and waved with her spare hand as he trudged down the steps, "Sean, hey."
"You didn't think I forgot about driving you home."
"I didn't forget, I was sort of on autopilot." Emma told him uncomfortably, "so where did you park?" Sean led her to his car and opened the passenger door and she got inside.
"So you snuck out on me before I woke up."
"I had to get changed for school."
"Could I ask you something?"
"Shoot."
"Did you love him?"
"What does it matter, I got played anyway?" Emma wondered out loud.
"Maybe, maybe not. Maybe something happened."
"Sean I really wish you wouldn't ask me about him. The only thing that probably happened was that he found someone else."
Sean shut up for a few moments and turned to the corner to Emma's street, "I'm sorry I asked if I overstep I'm sorry. I'm just concerned."
"Why do you even care?" Emma remarked tiredly looking in his direction.
"All sorts of reasons."
"Like?" Emma asked, "I need examples."
Sean stammered out a response, "I don't know, I just feel it. I know you're someone special, and if he doesn't see that he's quite frankly not worth your time. I don't want you thinking you're not special or perfect or beautiful"
Emma looked down uncomfortably, "Sean, I'm so flattered but nobody is perfect. Least of all me."
"I'm too late, aren't I?" Sean furrowed his brow, "Maybe I shouldn't say that, but I guess I can't really explain it. You were always good to me even when I didn't deserve it. When I was some punk-ass grade 7, you used to look at me with this light in your eyes. I guess what I meant to say is you make my heart full. I never felt so cared for and it felt good and I fucked up and lost you."
"I haven't been that girl for a long time. She feels so far away, I'm not perfect and I wish you wouldn't speak that way to me no matter how sweet it is. I don't deserve it, I'm a fraud. I tried, I tried really freaking hard to be perfect. I wanted people to be proud of me, I wanted to be good at things. I wanted people to see me but what happened when it all fell down? When did I realize I'm not living up to the standard I had for even myself? I fell apart and now look at me? Crying over a guy who led me on and made me believe there was some hope right when I needed him the most. Is this going to be my life? I can't even be a good girlfriend, I can't do anything right."
"Em, you know that's not true, crying doesn't make you wrong?."
Emma chucked about to cry and sniffle a bit, "Look at me, I'm a mess. Perfect, it's simply not me."
They neared Emma's house and he parked the car. He looked toward her, "I hate seeing you so down, listen to me when I say I think everything will work out."
"That doesn't fit. It's not like the last time I came to you with a problem."
"Which time?" Sean asked her jokingly, "Ah there's that smile."
"It doesn't matter but it's not the same as it was to answer your question, it's just a simple thing won't fix it this time. It seemed so final so as far as I know what's done is done." They were silent a few moments before she asked, "Will you come to this party at Bennett Park Friday with me?"
"Sure, but is Jay coming?"
Emma shrugged as she lied through her teeth, "I don't care if he's there."
"I'll go. It could be fun."
"Yeah, it could be. We can get drunk and roast marshmallows, get some drinks maybe blaze?"
"Sounds like my kind of party."
"Well, I'll see you around." She turned around to remove her seatbelt, "Sean, um thanks for the ride home." Emma slipped out of the car and Sean waved goodbye while he rode off.