Chapter 21
The night following the events in the dining-room, Yue-lung can't sleep at all; he only lies in the darkness, alternately wishing to vanish and praying for help to unspecified gods. Fear makes him unable to calm down even for a single moment, and it seems to him he'll never get rid of it. Actually, it's not particularly Sing he fears - even though the guy could enter his bedroom any moment - only that nightmare his reality suddenly turned into. He has no idea how he will manage from now on; future appears as something utterly frightening and unbearable. Telling himself he still has Blanca doesn't help in the slightest; he's perfectly certain Blanca will never be able to replace Sing... and there's something about this conclusion that only makes his fear stronger.
Sing really is someone essential to life for him.
The morning finally comes; he somehow managed to last until now still sane... and he thinks it's because of the words he heard from behind the door and remembered. Well, maybe not even the words themselves, only the message... as well as remorse and care that were in them. What is strange, Yue-lung believes fully they were genuine. In case of any other person, he would consider it an act, a deception, but Sing, of all people, wasn't false. Yue-lung could lose faith in everything else but not Sing's honesty. If Sing said he was sorry, then he really was. If he apologized for having scared him, then he really must feel guilty. If he promised to never hurt him, then it is something to be trusted. If he admitted he's been desiring him for a while... Um, better not to think of it.
In the morning, Yue-lung gets some two hours of sleep, and when he wakes up, he is slightly better. He's still scared, he still feels that the world is a terrible place, and he still doesn't dare to leave his bedroom, but he realizes now that he hasn't been afraid of Sing at any point. He is somewhat astonished to discover it... but not so much. Before, he would need very little to change his attitude; the most trifle thing or the smallest proof of dislike would make him start loathing a person despite having been neutral about them earlier. He probably could never trust in someone's good will and always expected to be betrayed, and betrayal would, of course, lead to hatred.
Now, however, despite his reality having turned upside down because of Sing, it seems to him that Sing himself didn't change... that his own feelings about Sing didn't change. Even though, at first, he was certain their path diverged forever - how could things be normal after all that? - the next morning he knows that in his head Sing is still the same man he was only twenty-four hours ago. And when he admits it, he feels much better because he can again focus on all traits, good traits, that make Sing someone exceptional, at least in his eyes.
Sing is cheeky and easily gets angry, he can also be naive and is all too good-hearted - although recently it hasn't been so visible - but for some reason those features don't make him weak, quite the contrary. And even though Yue-lung doesn't intend to praise him for those traits, he's been aware for a while now that it's only because of them that Sing stays with him, so he must accept them. Then again, impulsive and credulous is not all that Sing is; he's also very smart and, although he's not a genius, he has an excellent intuition that enables him to assess the situation and quickly make the right choice. He's confident but not conceited. He's proud but capable of admitting his mistakes, too. He's open-minded and forms his own opinion about people instead of acting on prejudice. Above all, he's very empathetic person who likes and understands others, although he can also feel justified resentment. He's so different from Yue-lung who can only hate; the dragons cannot love, and devour everyone around them.
Beyond doubt, Sing is the best thing that has ever happened to him.
Yue-lung spends the next two days wondering how to solve the problem; he must decide on something before Sing takes and leaves, which is quite possible. One thing is clear to him: he's not going to give up on Sing - but how to get the situation back to normal after what happened? At times, he almost comes to the conclusion his reaction was too violent and disproportionate. But it's not like he can ignore what he learned - that Sing would like to sleep with him - especially after Sing admitted it himself... that he wanted him for some time now...
On the one hand, Yue-lung wishes he could say it's nothing. After all, many people have desired him so far, and he knows well why. Even though he's never wanted it, sex appeal is one of his weapons, is a tool and strength; it is likely he uses it without thinking, too. Putting everything else aside, he can understand that Sing too may desire him. Even though Yue-lung didn't plan it, he may have stirred such urge in him unconsciously, merely with his behavior.
On the other hand, he knows it's not 'nothing'. Sex is the last thing Yue-lung wants, and besides... How can it be reconciled with friendship? With trust? With sense of security? With all that has been between Sing and him, so unlike everything he experienced with people who had his body before? Sex means being hurt, mistreated and scared, while there's nothing bad, no suffering, about his relationship with Sing. Sing has become someone special to him exactly because he never considered Yue-lung as an object of desire.
Sing probably realizes it all himself. If he wanted to convince Yue-lung of anything during that speech from behind the door, it was that he's never wanted and never will hurt him. He seemed genuinely devastated by what had happened, and felt guilty about it. And, like always, he put Yue-lung before himself. Yue-lung knows he can trust his promise. That if Sing says he's not going to do anything, it will be so.
But is it really okay?
He doubts it because one thing that Sing said makes him more confused than anything else: 'You're the most important person to me, and I'd like to stay with you.' He doesn't know how to understand it - maybe it scares him to even try to - but he does realize that if Sing wants him so much, not only his body but also his soul, then it will be difficult for him to be happy with just Yue-lung's presence, regardless of all declarations and promises. And in that case, he will sooner or later be sick of it and leave. It's obvious and logical.
Yue-lung knows he can't let it happen. The more time passes since that event, the stronger his need to always have Sing beside and the greater his fear that Sing might disappear... and the more he's convinced he must give something, even though he can give very little, in fact. He's a dragon, he can't love, he can't feel any warm feelings, so the only thing he can give is his body. It fills him with disgust, but he knows at least as much that Sing won't hurt him. He's not scared of Sing; what he fears like hell is that he might lose him.
He tries not to remember that last year when he tried to fix things between the two of them the very same way and it almost ended in a disaster; that situation was different. That time, offering his body was misplaced, but this time it's exactly about desire and sex. It's true that in the last months he's started to slowly believe that he will never be forced to sexual intercourse again, but if doing it could keep Sing by his side, then it wasn't too much of a price.
On the third day, he decides not to tarry any longer. Sing left the adjacent room, like he's promised, but fortunately he's still in the house... although, if he'd moved out, Yue-lung would find him anyway and convince to come back. Upon seeing him - the man he's been thinking nonstop for two days - he's filled with so many emotions that suddenly he can't say a thing; he just stands there and looks at him silently. Judging from Sing's expression, it's mutual. That moment, Yue-lung can't resist the impression they will be much better off together than apart.
But everything went wrong.
Sing flatly refused to have sex with him. He promised to stay with him. He said he loved him. And he guaranteed that they would both enjoy it.
Yue-lung was once more surprised by the fact reality could be better than his imagination. Yet, he believed everything.
'It's very strange,' Soo-ling would like to say but keeps quiet. It's strange that after all that happened the two of them are still here and together. It's strange that he could confess his feelings and Yue-lung didn't push him away. It's strange that this situation is terribly awkward and yet neither of them wants to end it.
But much more than strange he feels happy because he's managed to get back what he almost lost forever. And even though in any other moment he would suspect that Yue-lung - the greatest manipulator and deceiver in the world - isn't honest with him, now he can tell that at least that his wish for the two of them to be together is real. He decides to focus only on that, and it's only that - so much - that is enough for him now; he can think about everything else later.
They keep sitting on the two ends of the couch, barely able to look at each other. Soo-ling is the first to calm down, as much as it's possible after two days of stress and several weeks of excitement. Yue-lung wipes his tears every now and then; he looks so miserable that Soo-ling would give everything to hold him and comfort.
Yet, he finally raises his head to look at him - despite all tragedies, or maybe because of them, Yue-lung is a very strong man - and asks in a perfectly composed voice, "Then, what would you like from me?"
"To handle your hair again," Soo-ling replies without thinking and then is amazed by that answer.
Yue-lung seems equally perplexed, but he only nods. "You want that everything is like before," he guesses, and Soo-ling realizes it himself: he wants that everything is like it's been the previous year.
Except one thing. "But get rid of that guy," he says with a frown. He doesn't care if he sounds like a jealous person. "We don't need him."
Yue-lung gives him a serious look and this time shakes his head.
"Why not?" Soo-ling asks. "I'm more than enough to protect you. You don't trust my skills?"
"Sing... I don't want you to protect me," Yue-lung replies in a quiet voice, averting his eyes. "It's not why you're here. Blanca is my bodyguard, and you are... someone Blanca could never be," he adds in a whisper.
Soo-ling stares at him in silence. Again, he has that funny impression that Yue-lung is trying to tell him something that he doesn't even realize himself. He feels like blushing, and he looks away. "But I'm not eating with him anymore," he declares ostentatiously, folding his arms like a sulking kid.
"Fine," Yue-lung replies, clearly unwilling to argue.
Soo-ling glances at him again. "Everything okay?" he asks with concern, driving away the thought he will have to stay with Blanca under the same roof for some longer, apparently, no matter how much he despised the guy. Ah, to hell with him!
Yue-lung glances back at him. "I am fine," he replies. "But-"
"Don't worry about me, I'll manage," Soo-ling interrupts him. He still feels uneasy at the thought of what happened a moment ago... when he almost did with Yue-lung what he wanted to do... That is, he wouldn't have done it, of course, not in this situation...! He just...
Yue-lung straightens up and looks at him with a frown. "But you know you have my consent," he says what he already said before.
"Why?" Soo-ling asks, though he knows he shouldn't even touch that subject, for his own good. Even if his will is strong, his body is weak... and still on fire. "Do you really pity me so much?" he adds and then feels like biting his tongue.
Now Yue-lung raises his brows. "Of course I don't!" he replies, clearly offended, and Soo-ling realizes he's missed that tone terribly. It's much better than sadness and dejection.
"Then why?"
"I told you I'd like to do it with you."
"Seriously?"
Now Yue-lung stares at him like at a half-wit... but then his eyes fill with guilt - as if he's been caught lying - and he looks away. "All right, maybe not 'I'd like' only 'I could," he mutters.
"I think it's the first time you admit what you really thought," Soo-ling says without thinking and feels like laughing. It seems like ages since the last time he laughed.
Yue-lung presses his lips in a thin line but leaves it without any comment. Instead, when he looks at him again - and at the space between them - he says with sarcasm, "So now you plan to keep a safe distance of five feet between us?"
"Six would be better, just in case," Soo-ling replies. "You don't like to be touched. Now I even know how much."
"Then, how do you want to make it that I enjoy that, too?" Yue-lung asks in the same voice as before, but a slight blush appears on his face. "Not with a stick, right?"
"I'll work on it," Soo-ling assures him, wondering how come he's able to talk about it so easily. Maybe it's because he considers himself a man of a word. And once something was said aloud, there's no point in getting embarrassed about it.
"Some kind of action at a distance? Psychokinetic skills?" Yue-lung keeps inquiring with a faked curiosity. "You must forgive me for having considered you quite a down-to-earth person until now."
Soo-ling can't remember the last time he heard him joking. Now he must burst out laughing... and the next second he is delighted upon seeing a smile stretching Yue-lung's lips.
"I promise to do it properly."