Trigger warning: Self-harm.
Inspiration credit: Xxxx4evaSummerxxxx

"What the…?"

Ellie was confused to see light coming in from the crack underneath her bedroom door. She looked at the alarm clock on her bedside table, it was flashing 2:26 AM. She looked at the bed and saw a sleeping Pete. She frowned.

Ellie had woken up in the middle of the night to use her bathroom when, on the way back, had noticed light coming in from the hallway.

Something wasn't right -usually the kids were not awake at this time.

She opened her bedroom door and peered outside. In the hallway, one of the upstairs bathrooms doors was ajar and light was coming from the inside. She figured it was probably one of the kids using the toilet and was about to turn back when something made her stop.

It sounded like a sob.

It was soft and quiet, but it definitely sounded like a sob.

Frowning, she decided to check it out. As she made her way to the bathroom, the sobs grew louder. Someone was crying inside.

Ellie pushed the door open.

Lizzy sat in the middle of the floor holding a razor blade in her right hand. There were scattered pieces of toilet paper smeared with blood all around her. Her eyes were closed as she sobbed quietly to herself.

Ellie needed a moment to take everything in. She took a deep breath.

"Lizzy?" she asked tentatively.

Lizzy opened her eyes and gasped in surprise, a look of horror on her face. She dropped the razor blade and her hands came up to her face, covering it.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" she started saying. Her crying became loud, her body shook with each sob.

"Hey, it's okay, it's okay honey. I'm here. It's okay." Ellie's voice quivered. She came up to Lizzy and sat next to her on the floor. Lizzy had curled herself up onto a ball and kept repeating the words 'I'm sorry' as she cried into her hands. Ellie noticed her fingers were blood-stained.

"Shhh, it's okay, it's okay, you're safe" she said as she rubbed Lizzy's back. "You have nothing to apologize for, alright? I'm here, and I love you. You're okay."

These words made Lizzy cry harder as she retreated further into herself.

A million thoughts raced through Ellie's mind, but she tried her best to remain calm.

"You're okay honey, you're not in trouble, I love you, and I'm here for you, alright?"

Ellie continued rubbing Lizzy's back as she waited for her to calm down. After some time, Lizzy's sobs quietened.

Slowly, the teenager let her guard down and dropped her hands from her face. She opened her eyes but kept her head lowered.

"Do you want a wipe for your hands, honey?" asked Ellie.

Lizzy did not respond.

"Shall we get you cleaned up?" Ellie tried again.

Lizzy wouldn't meet her gaze.

"Can you show me where you cut?" asked Ellie.

Lizzy did not move.

"Is it deep? Do we need to go to the ER?" she tried again, growing increasingly worried.

"Lizzy –" Ellie was about to ask the question again when she saw her daughter slowly lowering her knees.

On the inside of the left thigh, Ellie could see fresh cuts on the skin. She took a deep breath.

"Well these don't look too deep, thankfully. I think some at-home care will be enough."

She stood up and went to the medicine cabinet, where there was a first aid kit. She opened that and took out cotton balls, rubbing alcohol, gauze and tape.

"You know, that's a really smart place to cut, it's very easy to hide," said Ellie.

For the first time, Lizzy looked up in surprise.

"No need to wear long sleeves, watches or bracelets to hide the cuts," continued Ellie, "specially during this warm weather. It would give you away. So that was smart," said Ellie as she crouched down to Lizzy's level.

Her eldest daughter frowned, clearly confused at Ellie's reaction.

"What? You don't think I struggled with self-harm too?" said Ellie.

"Really?" asked Lizzy.

"Sure," said Ellie. She poured alcohol on a cotton ball. "When I was around your age, maybe a little bit younger," as she talked, Ellie's hands moved to the cuts on Lizzy's thigh. She cleaned them softly and methodically. "I just kept fighting with my sisters, and I felt like my mom never took my side. I was convinced I was a failure to her…" Ellie moved on to cover the skin with the gauze. "I probably did it for shitty reasons, but it's really easy to fall into it. Sometimes it's the only thing you feel you have control over."

Lizzy's gaze dropped to the floor; Ellie's words resonated strongly with her.

Ellie finished tapping the gauze in place. "Okay, all done. Better, yeah?"

Lizzy had been so focused on Ellie's story she had hardly noticed her cleaning her cuts. She looked down at her thigh. "Thank you."

Ellie sighed. "Lizzy… What triggered this?"

Lizzy looked away, tears rapidly forming in her eyes again. She shrugged. "Just… me being stupid."

Ellie gave her a look. "Honey, I know how this works, you don't have to hide it from me."

Lizzy was silent for a while. Ellie stayed quiet to allow her time to process things.

"I… Uhm.." started Lizzy, tears rapidly falling from her eyes. "I failed a class," she said, her voice breaking.

Ellie knitted her eyebrows. "Were you… were you worried about telling us? Is that what made you cut?"

Lizzy shrugged her shoulders but did not look up from the floor.

"Were you worried we would… punish you?" asked Ellie, trying to understand the whole thing.

Lizzy shrugged her shoulders again. Her legs came up to her chest and she hugged them, making herself small again.

"Did you think we would… think badly of you or something?" asked Ellie.

Lizzy buried her head in her knees.

"Honey what is it? What is it? You can tell me, it's okay, I'm not going anywhere," said Ellie as she stroked Lizzy's hair.

"I'm a failure," said Lizzy, her voice soft.

Ellie shook her head. "What? No, honey… you… you're not a failure, I promise."

"I am," said Lizzy. It was clear she was relieving past trauma, but Ellie didn't know what exactly.

"No honey, you're smart, and brave, and caring, you're strong and kind… you're many things but a failure is not one of them," said Ellie. "Does this… does this have to do with something that happened in the past, maybe?" she asked, tentatively.

After a few seconds, Lizzy nodded.

"Honey… I wasn't there, but I know that you weren't a failure then, either. Okay?" said Ellie.

Lizzy cried quietly for the next few minutes. Ellie continued stroking her hair. After a while, Lizzy lifted her head and looked at Ellie. She took a deep breath.

"I think I was about 8 when Mom started using crack," she started. "She'd used things before, but crack was different. It's like suddenly, we didn't matter to her anymore." Lizzy stopped to wipe tears from her face. "Anyway, after a while, she started disappearing for days at time, I guess to get more. I was too scared to tell anybody, because I had Juan and I didn't want him taken from me. So I looked after him as best as I could. I would get up early, dress us, take us to school, pick him up, feed us and so on. But then one time she didn't come back and the food ran out and I didn't know what to do. Juan started crying all the time. I was really scared." Lizzy's voice broke here as she struggled to keep going. "I started only eating half my school lunch so I could bring the other half home for Juan and he could have it for dinner," Lizzy sighed. "But that made me very hungry and tired all the time. I could barely concentrate in school. That week we had a test in class and I did really badly on it. All the other kids started teasing me, and I remember the teacher looking at me like I was worthless. And that's how I felt: worthless." Lizzy shrugged her shoulders. "Because I couldn't make Mom stay with us, because I couldn't feed Juan properly, because I wasn't smart enough to pass the stupid test." Lizzy covered her face with her hands and started crying again.

Tears were falling from Ellie's eyes, too. She was trying to remain strong, but it was hard.

"Shh…. It's okay, honey, you're safe now," said Ellie.

Lizzy wiped her face again. "I try really heard in school because I want to prove that teacher wrong," she continued, "but anytime I fail something I just get reminded of that time when Mom left and I failed a test. I guess that's my trigger. It reminds me of what a failure I am. Because at the end of the day, I can't change my life, no matter how many new clothes I own or how many shiny new things I have. I can't change the fact that Mom left us, that she chose drugs over us. That I couldn't stop Juan from crying. That Lita grew up without a mother figure. That I can't keep them safe. And that despite all my efforts, Mom still chose drugs over us, again."

At the last sentence, Lizzy voice broke off and she started heavily sobbing.

Ellie's heart broke into a million pieces. "Oh sweetheart, come here," she said as she took Lizzy in her arms.

Lizzy let herself be hugged. She buried her head in Ellie's chest and cried, hard.

The two of them stayed like that until Lizzy calmed down again.

"Listen to me," said Ellie, taking Lizzy's face in her hands. "You are not a failure, and you have never been a failure. What happened in the past -that was not your fault. Your birth mother cares about you, about all of you, and I know she loves you a lot. But it can be difficult to prioritise the right things when you're using. What you did for your brother back then, that was amazing. You should be very proud of yourself for putting your brother before school. But it's absolutely not your fault any of that happened and it doesn't make you a failure, you hear me?"

Lizzy stayed silent for a long time. Ellie hugged her again.

When they pulled away, Lizzy dropped her gaze to the floor. "I… understand if you want to return me now," she said, her voice a mere whisper. "I wouldn't want damaged goods either."

Ellie's eyes widened.

"Honey, what are you saying? You're not damaged goods. We will never put you back in the system. We love you, okay? We love you with all your flaws, all your insecurities and your past. You're perfect to us, honey. Is this why you didn't share anything about it before? Because you're scared that we won't want you?"

Lizzy nodded.

"Look at me," said Ellie, taking Lizzy's face in her hands again. "There is nothing you can do that will make us not want you. Understand? Nothing. You're stuck with us, honey. For better or for worse, this is it. You hear me? We love you. We will always love you, no matter what."

Lizzy closed her eyes as tears started falling again. This was all too much, she wasn't prepared to be met with such acceptance. It was so far removed from what she usually experienced, it was confusing.

Ellie hugged her once more, allowing her to have the time she needed to take everything in.

She didn't know if Lizzy would believe her, but she was incredibly glad to finally be let in.