Chapter 28. Weighted Mind

"Shh…" Addison whispers, pushing the sound close to her daughter's ear.

This midday meltdown and outright defiance of naps two and three feels a bit unprecedented. Addison was worried that Mark going back to work would be difficult, that the apprehension and isolation associated with being Kate's only caregiver during the day would reach a crescendo, but they really have hit something of a sweet spot. It was an adjustment, certainly, but they have a routine, and fun little things have been sprinkled throughout early June. They celebrated Addison's birthday, went to a Yankees game while Kate stayed with her godparents, have witnessed a few new baby milestones, and have welcomed a number of guests into their home, including all four grandparents. Kate has also met Carolyn Shepherd via FaceTime.

This feels too early for sleep regression to be setting in, no matter how advanced your dad and I think you might be, Addison thinks. She bites down on her lower lip as she watches her daughter squirm in her arms, face pinched and red. Addison is trying, but she knows Kate has reached the point of tiredness where she isn't entirely responsive to her mother's attempts to soothe her. Instead, her eyes are screwed tightly shut and her arms and legs are thrashing. Kate arches her back again and tongues her pacifier out of her mouth; it bounces off her tiny shoulder and falls to the floor. Addison almost makes a five-second rule comment, but it feels a little sad to make a joke when no one else is around.

You are doing everything you can. And you are not the reason Kate is upset, she reminds herself fiercely. But she stares down at her screeching daughter and considers the fact that her baby not being able to stop crying is ultimately what is going to make Addison start crying.

Just checked. He's in surgery with Dr. Patel. Just started. Board says 2.5 hours. Endoscopic Strip Craniectomy. Want me to get someone to tell him to get in touch with you when he's done?

Addison's stomach churns at this response, and she texts Nurse Charlene back to let her know that no, it's okay, she will try to contact Mark later. She doesn't ask for more information because she doesn't need to know anything more specific to understand the parents of this tiny patient would probably love if their biggest complaint at the moment was that their baby won't stop crying.

Addison thinks of the women she has met in her twice-a-week Mommy and Me Yoga classes. She has exchanged phone numbers with a few of them. She feels most connected to Samira (with baby Ivy) and Natalie (with baby Wyatt), but doesn't feel comfortable, well, bitching to them since she really doesn't know them particularly well yet. And inviting them over doesn't feel like an option – the living room and kitchen are disasters a mere forty-eight hours after the housekeeper has come (another thing she feels guilty about, even though she is not the only person to utilize a cleaning lady, and also, she signed up to be a stay-at-home-mother through the end of the month, not a stay-at-home-housekeeper).

She hates to bother her best friend, but it's really the only option. Guilt hits again, because she just knows Savvy will be supportive and kind and will be locking up her office door by the time they end the call.

"Hey," Addison says when her friend picks up. "Um…are you busy?"

"During a workday?" Savvy laughs, taking a moment to scan the pile of invoices, cash flow templates, and sticky notes littered over her desk, not to mention an inbox she is largely ignoring due to an alarming number of flagged messages. "Always, unfortunately. But not too busy for you and the world's cutest baby though. What's up?"

"I…" Addison starts, feeling her throat contract. She ruefully lowers the volume on the baby monitor she is clutching. "I just…"

"Are you okay, Addie?"

"No, not really. I'm just…I'm just kind of having a tough day with Kate. And Mark is in surgery…" she hiccups. "I'm so tired, Sav. And I…I can't get her to stop crying. I'm in the living room. And she's in her crib. We're, um. We're on a break?"

"It's a good sign you're still able to make a TV-related joke. But more importantly, you're doing exactly what you should do, so great job, mom. Just let her cry for a few minutes. I'm going to come over, okay? I can leave here in ten. It's gonna be okay. Should I stay on the phone with you, babe?"

"No, just come when you can. I'm okay, but I just…I just need another adult here."

"I get that. I'll be there as soon as I can."

Mark heads into his office following a successful surgery. He reaches for his phone and smiles in anticipation, knowing Addison will have provided him with a number of Kate-related updates. He is rewarded when he sees a picture of Kate clothed in a terrycloth bathrobe with a mouse hood that has comically large ears. Kate is smiling in the photo, a huge, gummy smile (his smile, Addison feels), which has become her trademark of late. Addison also attached a picture of Kate and another baby from the yoga class they attend (he's been told this baby's name before, but can't remember it at the moment).

He then goes back to his other text messages. He saw a message from Savvy, but when faced with the choice of reading words versus looking at a picture of his daughter in a robe with a mouse hood, Savvy didn't stand a chance. Mark frowns though when he sees his friend's words: Hey. Everything is okay but give me a call as soon as you can. IMPORTANT.

"Hi, Mark," Savvy answers on the first ring, speaking quickly before he can cut in to ask what is going on. "So again, everything is fine, but I'm at your place. Addie and Kate are sleeping. She tried to call you because she was having a rough afternoon, but you were in surgery, so she called me and I came over."

"What happened?"

"A crying baby happened. By the time I got here though, Kate had fallen asleep. So I sat with Addie while she cried – I think she just needed to get it out of her system. She was tired and felt bad she couldn't get her kid to stop howling. And then I gave her half a Xanax and sent her to bed. I'll stay until you're able to come home, and it's not a rush, so don't worry. Everything is okay now."

"Thank you for being there. Was she…" Mark starts to pace in a small circle. "Was she hyperventilating?"

"No, just crying. Hard crying, but she wasn't short of breath. Mark, I promise you – I know what to look for. I work in finance. I see tears and stress and anxiety from clients and coworkers on the daily. This wasn't a panic attack. It was more like a meltdown."

Mark inhales tensely and presses his thumb between his eyebrows. "I just…I thought maybe you were calling to be like, 'oh, Addison made a comment about how three-stone rings and filigree bands are tacky' and that we were going to need to start from scratch. Not…not this."

"Okay, first of all, how dare you, because I have exquisite taste in jewelry. That ring looks like it came straight off the set of Downton Abbey," Savvy jokes, keeping her voice low. "But it's gonna be okay. Come home, but don't rush. I'm here and I've got her and Kate. Just give me your WiFi password. I can't wait to hear what it is, because I'm sure it's really stupid."

"Not so much stupid as it is, well, mean. It's 'you can't stay here.' All one word, lowercase, no apostrophe in 'can't.' It's a pre-Addison password. She hates it."

"I wonder why."

Addison fell asleep on top of the comforter, a clear enough sign to Mark about her level of exhaustion. She's wearing a Yankees shirt of his (spit-up stain near the shoulder) and a pair of sweatpants. Her hair is still a little damp, and snarled in a way that indicates she probably didn't have the opportunity to brush it. His hypothesis is that she showered after yoga, but that Kate – who timing-wise is usually awake during post-yoga showers – started to get upset during the shower. He can picture the scene because he has seen it before. Kate hangs out on her play mat in the bathroom while Addison showers. It sounds silly, but it never would have occurred to Mark before that that was an option and that showering while your baby is awake is a possibility. There are a lot of things about parenthood that have surprised him, things he never would have considered if it weren't for Addison. She knew from the beginning exactly how to do tummy time with a newborn and when the best time to trim Kate's nails is (when she's asleep) and to put a clean diaper down before removing the dirty one (this did not come up during CPR-doll-changing lessons, and Mark learned the hard way). It all seems to come so naturally to her; there's just an effortlessness to the way she moves and interacts with Kate. He sees that constantly. It didn't occur to him until now that she might not always see herself that way. He wonders if he missed something this morning on his way out the door, or if there have been other things in the past few weeks he has missed.

Mark climbs into bed with her, and gently rubs her shoulder. He feels bad for waking her, but reasons it would be worse if she woke up on her own and tried to piece together the details of a lost afternoon.

"Hey…" he says softly when her eyes blink open.

She swallows, throat feeling dry. "Kate…?"

"Still sleeping. We gave her a Xanax too…" Mark says, then winces. "Sorry. That probably wasn't funny."

"It was a little funny, actually."

"Savvy went home a few minutes ago. She wants you to text her later when you're feeling a bit better. Can…can I give you a hug, Red?"

"I would really like that," Addison says, eyes filling with tears.

"So…tell me about your day," he says once she's cuddled in his arms, which makes her choke out a tight laugh. "Savvy said you tried to call me? I saw the photos of Kate, but -"

"I didn't call. I texted Charlene and asked if she could see if you were available when she had a minute. She said you were in surgery. I didn't want you to look at your phone and see a bunch of missed calls and texts from me and worry, so I called Sav instead. And I left Kate in her crib for a bit. Which is what you're supposed to do if you need a breather, and she ended up falling asleep on her own like five minutes later – well, four minutes and twenty-seven seconds later, actually, because I was timing it and wasn't going to let it go past five minutes. And then Mom Guilt set in and I started feeling horrible that I wasn't there for her…and I know she's fine and it's not like she's in dreamland thinking that her horrible mother abandoned her in her time of need. It just…affected to me. And then Savvy got here and I started crying and couldn't really stop, so she gave me a Xanax and told me to go to bed."

Mark sighs. "I'm so sorry I wasn't available, Ad."

"It's okay. That's not exactly something you can help. And I…I knew you'd be here when you could."

"Was this a bad day because it was a bad day, or is this something where you've been holding it in for weeks now and it finally hit you?"

She thinks for a moment, considering this. "A bad day. A tiring day. I swear not every day has been a struggle. I love being with her. We have a good routine going. We have tummy time and yoga and walks in Central Park and weekly FaceTime calls with grandmas who refuse to go by grandma and we read books and listen to music and sometimes I'll just hold her in front of the mirror if I'm running low on ideas – and she's such a Sloan about that, she can't get enough of her reflection. And I love our quiet afternoon time when we're just hanging out on her activity gym. You would think it would be mind-numbingly boring, but it's not. I love this time with her. There's just feelings of inadequacy sprinkled in here and there, because sometimes I thought I would be better at this. At…at being a mom. And sometimes when I can't get her to stop crying…"

"Addie…"

"I know. I know I'm a good mom. The rational part of my brain knows that. Kate was overtired today. I tried everything I could to help her settle down, but it felt like I was doing everything wrong and at the same time not doing enough."

"But you were doing your best?"

She gives Mark a grudging look, knowing where he is going. "Yeah."

"Then you know that's all you can do. Sometimes despite your best efforts, babies are gonna do baby things and just cry."

"I know. I'm sorry about today."

He shakes his head. "There's nothing to be sorry for."

"Well, if nothing else, you should just be coming home to one baby, not two."

"You're not a baby," he tucks a tangled strand of hair back behind her ear and resumes running a hand up and down her back. "You're an adult who is pretty damn hard on yourself, and you're an adult with feelings. You had a baby two months ago. And you spend all day with that baby, who, while basically being the most awesome baby in the world, isn't always a walk in the park. Just because you can do it all doesn't mean you should. Everyone has limits."

"Yeah. Maybe…maybe we should have Lauren start coming a few hours a week if she's able to start sooner. Just to give me a break?"

"I think that's a good idea," Mark says in agreement. Addison smiles, appreciating that he acts like this is completely her idea, as though he hadn't tried to make a similar suggestion a few weeks ago. They recently hired a nanny, and their plan has always been for Lauren to start to come for a few hours towards the end of the month, but more in a get-to-spend-time-with-Kate way, not a give-Addison-a-break way. "It doesn't make you any less of a competent mom because you need a break from time to time, Addie. We all need breaks."

She nods. "Kate too. She really needed that nap."

"Well, she's asleep now. Tell me what else is going on in your head. Even if it's not about today. I know Kate takes up, like, every minute of our existence and she's pretty much all we talk about because she's the coolest kid ever, but…"

"We probably should be trying to check in with each other more often. And stay in Vermont," she finishes. "Well, I guess as far as other things, in a few days it'll be the first time we…" she shakes her head, blushing. "I don't know the exact date, but in doing the math, in a few days it'll be our Affair-iversary. Or Adultr-iversary?"

Mark studies her closely, hand pausing on the ridges of her spine. "Are you okay?"

"I think so. I expected to feel more guilt, and maybe more anxiety before going to sleep, but I don't. I'm sure it'll be on my mind when it gets closer to what I think the actual date is, but for now I'm okay."

"Well, we're definitely going to keep checking in about that. Anything else?"

She swallows heavily. "One other thing. I – I want to go back to work, and I want to be a surgeon. I love being a surgeon and can't imagine not being one, but I…I don't feel ready to leave her yet. I don't think I can do it."

"Addison…"

"I want to be Kate's mom," her bottom lip trembles as she starts to cry. "And I want to be a surgeon, but really all I want is to be Kate's mom…I don't know how to do both."

"You can do both," Mark hugs her closer, hearing and feeling her hiccup into his chest. "And you'll always be her mom, whether you're with her or whether you're elbow deep in someone's uterus. You can do both. You're just maybe not ready to yet, and that's okay. If the first week of July doesn't feel right, we can push it out. Or maybe you can start with half-days? We're kind of big deals in our respective fields…we can find ways to make this work for us. And you know my hours are generally pretty flexible. We'll figure out a way to do this so that it's not Lauren putting her to bed at night."

She nods weakly. "I need more time. I just…I know I'm not ready yet. And I get that that's shitty because so many mothers would kill to be able to take this kind of time off, but…" Addison circles a hand around his wrist. "You're handling it okay though? Being back at work?"

"Well, getting updates from you throughout the day helps. I loved the picture of her in that ridiculous mouse robe, by the way. But…Addison?"

She leans back to look at him. "Hmm?"

Mark's cheeks flood with color. "Um. I cried a little bit. The first day I went back to work. Just, like, two graceful tears when I left the apartment, but still. And you know I had a weird, chaotic and missing-affection thing for a lot of my childhood so crying isn't really something I do…but the idea of not being with Kate…anyway. It won't be easy at first, but I promise it does get easier."

"You didn't tell me that," she says, mouth rounding in concern.

"The not checking-in enough thing," Mark replies. "And, let's be real: my pride. I also almost cried when we were at the Yankees game too. We left after the bottom of the fifth because I ended up being the one who couldn't handle being apart from Kate that long, remember?"

"We're definitely gonna check in with each other more often from now on."

"Probably a good idea. Hey, is there milk in the fridge for Kate still?"

"Yeah," she confirms. "There's a couple storage bags filled. Why?"

"Because you're going to keep sleeping. I'll get her the next time she wakes up, and any additional times after that until morning."

She shakes her head in protest. "You have work tomorrow, Mark."

"I can go in late. You're an incredible mom, but right now you're also an exhausted mom. So I'm going to rub you're back and you're going to close your eyes and sleep some more. Just let Xanax and my right hand take the wheel, okay?"

"Okay. Make sure you use the Dr. Brown's bottles. She doesn't really like the other brand we got. And the bottle warmer is -"

"I know," he cuts in, rubbing her back more insistently. "I've got her. Go back to sleep now. Everything's okay."

Addison comes into the living room around eleven that night, having finally woken up. She is still a bit tired, but much more refreshed. She finds Mark and Kate on the couch. Mark is holding Kate under her armpits, keeping her in a standing position as she happily bounces her legs up and down against his thighs, a new interest of hers. It surprises them both how long Kate is able to do this for.

"Hey, look who's here, Katiebee," Mark adjusts Kate in his arms so she can see Addison. Kate's entire face lights up when she spots her mother, bow-shaped lips streaming into a wide smile. She then looks back to her father, continuing the very important task of bouncing.

"Someone thinks it's time to party," he adds when Addison joins them on the couch. "Or she's just been watching you at yoga and is trying to step up her game and master the Tree Pose."

Addison reaches out to stroke her knuckles over her daughter's peachy cheek. "It's always a party with Kate Sloan."

"Do you want to hold her, Ad?"

She nods and collects Kate into her arms. She holds her daughter close, tucking Kate's legs beneath her chest. She waits for some fidgeting or a squawk of protest to indicate that party time is not over, thank you very much, but instead her daughter releases a small, sleepy noise.

"You can go to bed if you want," Addison offers, turning to Mark.

He shakes his head. "It's okay. I'll stay up with you guys. I'm going to go in late tomorrow, remember?"

"Mark…"

"It's fine, Addie. You take care of her all day. Let someone take care of you now." He lifts an arm over her shoulders, pulling her and Kate a bit closer. "She does that sometimes when you hold her, you know," he adds, and she blinks at him, justifiably confused by this non-sequitur.

"Does what?"

"When you guide her to your shoulder," Mark clarifies. "Sometimes she'll let out this drowsy little sigh, and it's like she just melts into you. And then one of her hands will wrap around your shirt sleeve and her pinky kind of sticks out, like she's having tea or something. She's a very classy baby that way. But mostly, just…I can see how much she loves and trusts you when she's like this. Even when you don't necessarily love and trust yourself."

Addison touches her lips to Kate's silky hair. "I wasn't my best self today. I'll be better tomorrow, my little love."

"You're a really great mom, Addison. I couldn't do this without you. I mean, I think I've mostly gotten the hang of it, but still. If it was just me from the beginning, I'd be in the corner of the room holding the CPR doll. I know today was hard, but I'm glad you felt okay with asking for extra support. Kate and I were playing five questions earlier, and she said that's one of the reasons why you're the best mom ever," Mark gives her a slow smile, and she knows that he has prepared this for her and she is meant to ask.

She takes the bait. "What else did Kate say?"

"She loves your voice - whether you're cooing at her while she's eating, narrating parts of your day, or doing funny character voices while you read her books, she loves listening to you. And she likes how safe she feels when you cuddle her, that you don't mind when she stares at you obsessively, and that you're way faster at getting her in and out of the car seat than her daddy is."

"Thank you. You both make me so happy, even when one of you refuses to nap," Addison replies, drawing in a heavy breath. "So…mid-July for going back to work. That's okay, right?"

"More than okay. You'll know when the time is right. And Addison, I was thinking maybe I would take a little more time off too and -"

"Mark, you really don't have to…"

"No, just listen. I was thinking maybe we should go up to the Cape for a few days. You know, take a family vacation."

She offers a weak smile. "Because of the Adultr-iversary thing?"

"I actually think Affair-iversary has a better ring to it," he smirks. "But no, not that. I know it's different because of the baby, but usually when you're this upset – like you were today – usually it's a sign we need to get out of here for a bit and hit the reset button. It might be nice to have a change of scenery, and you know Kate would love it. I was also thinking, and just hear me out – what if Weiss and Savvy came? We could do a mini-vacation with them. And if you're up for it, maybe one night we get a hotel room for them, and maybe…maybe Kate stays with them for the night? We don't have to though. It's just a thought."

Addison nods. "A vacation sounds great. It might be nice to do something for Weiss and Sav, too. We didn't really get much of a chance to celebrate them completing their adoption stuff since Kate was born so soon after that. Plus it's not like they would turn down a free vacation. And…and, yeah. It might be a good idea to have a night with just the two of us. I think I could be ready for that."

"Only if you want though. You don't have to decide right now, or even if it's a 'yes' you can change your mind, or I swear if it's two in the morning and it's too hard to be away from her, we'll just go get her."

"Okay. Thank you, Mark," she replies gratefully.

"Addie?" He asks quietly a few minutes later. Kate has fallen asleep on Addison's shoulder. Peaceful silence has been engulfing them. "Do you think we'd still be together if it wasn't for Kate? The fact that it's almost been a year…I know it ultimately doesn't matter, but it just kinda made me wonder…do you think we would have made it as a couple if you hadn't gotten pregnant?"

"I don't know," Addison meets his eyes and replies honestly. She imagines there would have been a lot of running and going. Away, from, to. It's hard to imagine what the end result would have been for them as an us. They would have either grown together or grown apart. "I wish I had a more certain, romantic answer, but…we do not get unlimited chances to have the things we want. And this I know. Nothing is worse than missing an opportunity that could have changed your life. I mostly just know that I'm glad I don't have to know the answer to your question. The idea of 'ending up' somewhere is something that used to scare me. Like, the finality of it. But this is where I ended up. And I like that this is where I ended up. This is all I want. I'm glad I have you and her."

Mark's inner optimist - something she brings out in him - wants to believe they would have found a way to make it work, but if he is honest with himself (another thing she brings out in him), he knows it would have been a long, hard road, with fair amounts of misery and self-loathing. He doesn't have a conclusive answer, and like her, he is happy that he doesn't have to have one.

He liked the three-stone engagement rings for the look of them – the ones that had a larger center stone, but were otherwise subtler and unassuming with smaller accent gemstones. And then the jeweler, angling hard for a sale of course, had said the stones are meant to symbolize the past, present, and future. He thinks that fits them perfectly. It's a lot of history they have.

"Me too," Mark murmurs in agreement, hugging her closer. "So. End of the month, or early July depending on what Weiss and Sav can potentially do…Cape Cod?"

"Yeah. Cape Cod."