A/N: Thank you for the wonderful reviews and comments for Chapter 20 and I apologise in advance for any glaring errors I might have made about Delhi, please put them down to taking a bit of artistic license. I hope you enjoy this chapter and thanks to Flossy for her unfailing and unstinting support, she must get sick of my insecurities.
Don't fall in Love with a Dreamer
I'd have given anything to just roll over and close my eyes, go back to sleep even if it was just for a few minutes because every bit of me knew it was 3 o'clock in the fucking morning, middle of the bloody night for god's sake. Only trouble was I knew if I did that then I'd still be asleep when it was past time to be at the clinic, I am so fucking tired. I am going to sleep for about a week when I get home and my head stops telling me I got to get out of bed. It's one of the bloody things that no-one ever warns you about, the way the time differences fuck with your body clock. Well they definitely do with mine even when it's like here and only four hours difference give or take.
Jayesh obviously thought I was some sort of bleeding nut-bar, he really did seem to think I'd lost the bleeding plot wanting to go for a little walk, but I wanted to have a bit of an explore on my own, but no chance, he practically bloody kidnapped me. Insisted on bundling me in the car saying it was his pleasure to take me anywhere I wanted, that all I had to do was just say and for a bit there it really looked odds on that he was about to burst into bloody tears. Course I wasn't allowed to sit in the front with him, no surprises there then, but he had horror written all over his boat race as he kept screwing his head round to tell me that keeping me safe was his job. I think what he meant to say was it was his fucking mission in life. He was really starting to get up my bloody nose, I don't need anyone telling me what I can do, do I? Especially not some kid who doesn't even look old enough to shave, I think he's about twelve. Alright, I suppose he's got to be a bit older than that to drive, although I wouldn't swear to it, don't think he's passed a test or anything stupid like that, and I'd be one hell of a lot happier if he could just keep his sodding eyes on the road instead of looking round at me. He really needs to watch where the fuck he's going or he's going to hit one of the cows that are meandering about in the middle of the road and I'd really prefer he didn't, not while I'm in the car. I might be a medic but I got no wish to give first aid to a fucking cow.
Okay, I can see he means well, that's obvious, but he's not my dad, I've already got a useless one of them at home and I'm perfectly capable of having a little wander round on my own without getting into trouble, just ask Charles, or maybe don't, but I'm well used to crowded and noisy and dusty and a bit grubby, aren't I? Makes it feel like home from home, although I don't think east Ham is quite as smelly as it is here, well, okay maybe it's not that different. I can see the air quality here is a bit crap like it is there, but I'm used to exhaust fumes and the smell of buses and taxis and fast food and that, so the haze of smog over the city I can see in the distance doesn't bother me one little bit. But Jayesh doesn't seem to get it, he doesn't think I can look out for myself while I have a little look at the shops and the stalls, but can't tell him I can look after myself because I'm a trained killer, can I? Not unless I want to frighten the poor little bugger to death.
Got to say it still bothers me to see all the kids and especially the really little ones playing by the road, actually playing in the gutter some of them and near where people are cooking their breakfasts on the pavement. You can see the pots are steaming bloody hot, so the whole thing strikes me as being bleeding dangerous, but there's bugger all I can do about it is there? I know that.
Sir Galahad finally let me out the car at the park gates, but then told me he was going to stay exactly where he'd parked up and wait for me to be done with my walk. Didn't matter I kept shaking my head, I could see he wasn't going to let me make my own way back, well not unless I managed to break his heart and sneak past him when he wasn't looking. He was doing that smiling and nodding thing again like he did at the airport as he settled himself down to wait, so we were back to me wondering how good his bloody English actually is. But you know what, I think it's fine but that he was determined he wasn't going to change his mind no matter what, it was like banging my bleeding head against a brick wall.
The park is not a bit like the parks we have at home, the grass is very lush and very green like it's been watered and trimmed with nail scissors, and there are no paths or benches or dog shit bins and goes without saying there's no dog shit either, well not that I can see. And there's no kids' playground either, nothing, and no litter to be seen anywhere. It all looks really well cared for, so I think people must do what everyone bangs on about and takes their crap back home with them. It's actually some sort of great big old fort in the middle of a huge lawn with some trees and that and I don't know whether it's sacred or not, whether it's some sort of shrine, but it's apparently one of the oldest ones in Delhi. And that's everything I know about it. Don't know what it was built for or who built it, or how long ago or anything, all I know is that the staff at the hotel are well proud of it, at least the waitress at breakfast and the receptionist were all smiles when they recommended it to me as the place to go when I asked where was good for a walk. And it's peaceful and empty of people and it's not yet hot enough for me to be sweating and looking for some shade, so it's good a place as any to walk and kill time till I can ring Charles. I'm determined I am not going to wake him up at ridiculous bloody o'clock again, it would be the third day in a row.
"Morning beautiful … okay?" Oh, fuck think I might have just woken him after all "You're late this morning, I was starting to think you weren't going to ring … was just thinking of ringing you … did you oversleep?" Okay, so maybe not.
"Nah … I was trying to be nice and not wake you up, wasn't I? … it's nearly time for lunch here" It wasn't "Didn't wake you then?"
Actually, I really wanted to ask what the fuck had taken him so long to answer if he wasn't asleep. I'd almost hung up, had seriously begun to think my timing was still a bit shit and either he was asleep, or was in the loo or something. I was even a bit bothered I might have waited too long and he was on his way to work, was in the car and he doesn't usually answer if he's driving. But whatever he said about not still being asleep, his voice was all husky and gruff sounding like he'd just woken up, or he hadn't talked for a bit, which I suppose was good because it meant Etta hadn't sent Ginger over to keep him company. Not that I really thought that would happen, he wouldn't have let her in for a start, would he? But you know, well, you never know, do you? And tell you what, he sounded like he still needed his first coffee, I can usually tell. Ever since I've known him, he's always said he's not a fully functioning soldier till he's had that first cup, that is one thing never changes, but got to say I hadn't noticed. Still could be we're talking about different things.
"Nope … anyway it's time I was up … where are you?"
"Sitting on a wall in some park, Putana something or other, well, it's some sort of fort, and it's well nice, think it must be a monument to someone, well, bound to be …. I'll take some pictures if you like, show you when I get home … I just thought I'd have a bit of a walk and get some fresh air" That was a whopping great lie for a start, no-one in their right bloody mind could call the air fresh exactly "And then I'm off to the clinic ... need to make sure we're all sorted and see how we're doing after they do another check on him before we leave, did I tell you they've managed to get us a non-stop direct flight so that's good … gotta be a lot better than all that hanging about"
I was doing my exceptionally wonderful Oscar winning performance of being someone without a care in the world, that the whole thing was no biggie even if I was fucking dreading it. I hope they've done another scan. I don't fancy all those hours sitting next to someone and watching their every twitch like a fucking hawk, trying to work out if it means something. Or not. I need to be sure, well sure as I can be, that they've done everything they possibly can to check he's not going to die on me any minute. I'm still shit scared to be honest.
"Are you sure you're okay, Moll?"
"Yeah … course, why wouldn't I be?" Oh fuck … what made me say that? Stupid. Why was I inviting him to start asking stuff I didn't want to talk about? "Don't worry… really there's no need, I told you … I'm fine, it's all good"
"If you say so …. what time will you be back?"
"All being well, we land about 7.00 ish your time … with a bit of luck we'll probably sleep the whole way …" Oh please god, or Lady Luck or whoever, please let that be the truth "Then I gotta hang about with him till he gets picked up, can't just dump him at the airport, they're collecting him and he's stopping there for a couple of days … getting checked over again before he's allowed to fly home"
"Who's collecting him?"
"London Clinic"
"Right … so what's actually the matter with him? … you didn't say"
"Didn't I? Had a bit of a road accident and believe me that's not hard to do here" Shit, the last thing I wanted was to start getting into it, don't even want to think about it, I know I sort of vowed I was going to stop pretending everything's okay when it's not, but I didn't mean work. I meant Amber and his mum and that. Anyway, when you start running your mouth about something it makes the worry more real, doesn't it? Makes it so you can't put it on the back burner and pretend it's not happening even if you want to, because once you open your bleeding trap they're going to start wanting to know stuff and you're going to have to keep answering questions and I don't want to, thanks very much. But I don't want him to be worried about me coping, either "Don't worry he's okay now, he's well on the mend …" And the Oscar definitely goes to me.
"Good … you haven't said much to me about him"
"Haven't I? What do you wanna know? His name's Noel … Noel Dexter like the serial killer" I heard him give this little huff and knew he didn't have a bloody clue what I was on about "Says he's not related though and that he's nothing like that, doesn't kill people for an 'obby … he's about your age, bit younger and he's a photo-journalist, whatever the fuck one of them is …'n let me see now, he's a septic tank, comes from somewhere called Martha's Vineyard which he reckons is well nice, he's built himself an house on the beach there, showed me the photos and yeah, it looks nice … the place is not a vineyard as such, at least don't think they have grapes 'n that, might have I s'pose, but it's some sort of holiday resort where they do water sports and that … he told me I'd love it … and then laughed when I said how unlikely that was, he thought it was dead funny when I said I'd very probably hate it, that I don't do water and definitely not water sports ... anyway he reckons it's even better this time of year … really snowy and cold … anyway, bloody idiot was hanging off the back of a motorbike taking these pictures or that's what he told me…"
"Sounds like he's been telling you quite a bit"
"Not really … what makes you say that?" He hasn't, has he? No more than Ron, well alright no more than Marge told me, I don't think, and I mean Noel is a cocky git who's totally full of shit, so much so that at first I'd wondered if he just says stuff, you know, makes it up to make himself look glamorous … although he's already pretty bloody sure he's god's gift. But then funny enough, I do like him. A lot.
"No particular reason … it just sounds as if the two of have been getting on … really well … and that's a good thing" I wish he sounded like he meant that, but you know something, I don't think he means it at all.
"Are you annoyed about something? You sound like you are … there's nothing … you got nothing to be … worried about …" I very nearly said nothing to be bloody jealous about, but just stopped in time, I'm not sure saying that would have helped.
"No of course I'm not … stop being ridiculous" That's funny, he doesn't sound okay, he sounds pissy and Charles always tells me not to be ridiculous when he's being a Muppet over something. I hadn't meant to go on about Noel, didn't think I had really, but that's what he seemed to be saying, that's what he's thinking "Look, don't worry about it Moll, I'm going to have to go or I'll be late … I'll see you tomorrow and we'll talk then … just … look after yourself and be careful, won't you? Stay safe … love you"
"Ditto"
Yeah fine, that's a really good idea, you go on and go and get yourself ready for work, you don't want to be late, do you? And never mind about me. But no point in banging on trying to make him see he's got it wrong, is there? He was doing that adding two and two together and making twenty-two bollocks, the one he always used to be so bloody good at, and there's no point in me trying to talk him round when he's all sulky and cross and alright plain bloody jealous over nothing. Better to just let him get on with it, I know that, didn't stop me wanting to put my head down and howl though.
-OG-
"I think I'm in love"
"Nah …Noel … just bl… just pack it in, will you? It's not funny, I'm being serious here … I need you to promise me that if you get any sort of headache or funny feeling or anything anywhere, anything at all, you'll tell me straight off, okay?"
"Anything?"
"I'm gonna pretend I don't know what you mean … 'n stop trying to wind me up"
"Okay, okay … god save me from fussy women, you're worse than my mom … here I am trying to tell you that every time I look at someone as beautiful as you are I get all sorts of funny feelings … in my heart and …" He smirked "And then you accuse me of joking … very hurtful … anyone would think you don't believe in love at first sight?"
"Well … maybe you should stop looking at yourself in the mirror" I was quite proud of that, especially as I wasn't at my best. I could still hear the cold clipped tone of his voice when he said he loved me, Charles not Noel, and how it had bloody hurt. But usually I can only think of a come-back a bleeding long time after when it's far too late "And you better be joking, Noel .. you're my patient, you're in my charge" Wonder where I've heard that before? I'll be telling him he's got to stay focussed in a minute. Shit, tell you what is really hard is trying to be careful with the not swearing, especially when he's enough to make a bloody saint swear "Look, just do me a favour and give the lover boy stuff a rest" I wanted him to take it all a bit seriously for a minute, wasn't sure he knew when enough was bloody enough, not sure he can see I don't think he's as irresistible as he does. Doubt there's anyone out there who does, well, apart from his mother I suppose.
"I don't know what the world is coming to, call yourself a nurse? I've been very sick I'll have you know … didn't they tell you about my very serious head injury" He did those bunny ears in the air to show he was quoting what someone else had told him "I very nearly died, that nice young doctor, the pretty one, told me I'm lucky to still be alive … got to do my best to make the most of it from now on" The words were obviously dead serious, but were somewhat spoilt by the huge smirk that was all over his gob.
"Make the most of what? And I'm not a nurse, never said I was, did I? I'm a medic but right now you better believe I'm your warder … my job to stop you escaping on the way home"
Yeah I know, I really should stop feeding him with opportunities to try and flirt with me, he does not need any encouraging. I know he thinks he's being dead funny, nah alright he thinks he's being fucking hilarious as well as irresistible. But he's not. Well, alright he is a bit, I'm a bit bloody miserable and he's beginning to make me want to smile, not that I'm going to let him see that.
"Did she also tell you it's a well-known side effect from having a serious head injury?"
"What is? A desperate longing, no a need to cuddle and get up close and personal with your warder?" No point in answering that was there? I got a feeling he can keep it up a lot longer than I can, wouldn't mind betting he's had more practice.
"Nah .. being deluded … look … just listen to me, Noel, and stop messing for a minute, it's important … your scan was clear but you gotta do exactly what I tell you, it's my job to take proper care of you and do whatever it takes to make sure you get back home in one bit, well back to London, 'n that'll really be much harder if you keep messing and refusing to …" Have you ever felt like you're wasting your bloody breath? He's what's that word again? Incorrigible "I'm trying to look out for you here"
"Is that a promise? Are you promising me you're going to do everything you can to look out for my every need and to take proper care of them? Brilliant, I've always wanted to join the Mile High Club"
"Not even in your wildest dreams, mate … I'm pretty sure my husband would have something to say about that"
Suddenly I could hear someone else laughing like a drain and saying pretty much the same thing on a dusty parade ground in Helmand, another cocky little sod who'd thought he was hilarious and wasn't, one who'd been my very best mate. I couldn't do anything to save him, could I? But then I hadn't known there was anything to watch for when he was pratting about in the back of that taxi or when he'd run out onto the pitch at Upton Park, but now the memories of him had the backs of my eyes prickling and I wanted to yell at Noel to stop being such a fucking moron. Showing off the way he was wasn't funny and it wasn't even original, and it might mean he was playing silly buggers with his life. But I couldn't do that, could I? Not up to me to tell the patient he's being a dick, even if it's true, so I had to look down and pretend to be busy checking over the discharge notes, the ones I'd already checked. Twice. I needed time to hide my face and pull myself together, all that shit with Smurf was a long time back now, and should be well buried in the past, and it had been up till now. But now it was making me so fucking weepy I couldn't help wishing I was at home.
"Hey … sorry …I've upset you, haven't I? Sorry … couldn't resist … but please tell me I haven't … I didn't mean to cross the line… I thought we were just having fun … and … I didn't actually know you've got a husband, you're not wearing a ring … so…"
"Nah, you haven't, I'm not upset, and I don't wear them for work"
I fished out the chain from round my neck and waved my rings under his nose, it would be a bit hard to try and explain why they were hanging round my neck and not on my finger without going into things. And I wasn't going to do that. There was no bleeding way I was going to do any of that sharing shit, he's not my bleeding therapist and I wasn't going toexplain the whole just back together after being separated for three years thing. And had got no intention of telling him about me not coming clean at work, hadn't even told Charles so it was definitely none of Noel's business, was it? And it seems it was my day for pissing people off. One look at the expression on his face and I could see he wasn't best pleased, actually he looked like he was about to get dead arsey about it, but I suppose that might just be him being really embarrassed about being a bit of a sleaze and I can understand that
.
-OG-
It didn't work out quite how I expected, I mean the flight was pretty much the same as any other, we were nearly on time leaving but we'd been upgraded to First Class, which made Business look like a bit like cattle class. Well maybe not quite but it was well lovely and very empty. I was pretty sure the upgrade had a lot to do with the impressive bandage Noel was still sporting round his nut, I think that, together with my uniform and med kit worried them. I think they thought it might well frighten the other passengers on the flight because it was a bleeding long time for people to sit still and worry about some other bugger conking out, maybe even ending up brown bread. Know the feeling.
The first couple of hours was okay, not too bad. I did manage to stop asking him if he was okay too often, well we were down to only once every so often, okay until he started to get a bit huffy and sarcastic when he even bothered to answer and didn't just look at me. We'd both downloaded films to watch on our personal screen things, his was some American thing with a lot of car chases and cops shooting each other 'n that and I picked some chick lit thing that I'd never heard of. I really thought it would give my brain something else to occupy it, deflect it from worrying about Noel and counting the hours till we got there, and there were still far too many of those for my liking, and from thinking about Charles. Wondering what he was doing and whether he'd calmed down yet and if was sorry. But it was no wonder I'd never heard of the film, it was some South American shit with loads of blokes dressed as bullfighters in skin-tight pants that left nothing to the imagination, actually it reminded me a bit of Chipolata Man. And not only that, it had fucking subtitles, didn't it? And I don't do subtitles. Watching something and listening as people rabbit on when you don't understand a dicky bird and trying to follow the action and read the screen at the same time always ends up making me drop off, even when I'm not tired. Just ask Charles.
I think I might actually have dozed off for a bit, because I woke with one hell of a start when Noel shook my arm.
"Molly?"
"Shit … what … shit … sorry … was I asleep? … Nah I wasn't asleep" Christ, deep breath Moll "What's wrong?"
"Sorry … I hate to wake you … but … I really do need the facilities ... and you made me promise I wouldn't move as much as a single muscle without telling you … so … please miss, can you take me for a pee?"
Shit I had said that, hadn't I? And talk about giving me a Julius? But I hadn't really given any thought to what would happen if he needed a pee on the plane and that had been bound to happen, hadn't it?
"Come on then … didn't you do what I said and go before we left?" I couldn't help giggling, I think it was the relief.
"Sorry Mom, you are going to come in with me, aren't you, to keep an eye on me, what happens if I have a funny turn?"
"I'll give you a funny turn in a minute … stop pushing your luck"
Yeah alright, he's right, I did say that didn't I? But made no difference how much he waggled his eyebrows at me or smirked like that, there was no bloody way I was going in the shitter to hold it for him, he was on his own. And giggling with him like I was probably wasn't my most professional moment ever, was it? But a bit of me was flooded with an almost overwhelming sense of relief.