Chapter 37

A/N #1: And we're back! So excited to be hanging out in the "First Steps" universe again–hard to believe it will be three years in June since I posted the opening chapter of this fic :) I apologize for the unintended delay, but since I last updated First Steps in mid November, RL has been sorta hectic. I moved into a new place between Thanksgiving and Christmas, got through the happy chaos of the holidays, then wrote a couple of one-shots ("Love, Multiplied" and "Reflections") before finally finishing my Hollywoodland fic, "You Made Me Love You." My sincere appreciation to everyone still following this AU story for your endless patience, especially Jbiemann, who asked very nicely for a new chapter back in February. Happy belated birthday, my Timeless friend :))

Nestled securely against Wyatt's bare chest late Saturday evening, his heart beating steadily under her cheek, Lucy yawned and relaxed, smiling drowsily when his lips dusted a gentle kiss on the top of her head. It had been such a nice day. Hanging out with his best friends had been a good distraction for Wyatt, she decided, smiling inwardly at the memory of sweet little Sadie sticking to her 'Uncle Wy' like a tiny burr all afternoon. Just as she started to drift off, without warning, his voice rumbled softly in the peaceful stillness.

"Looking back now, it never fails to surprise me what an ordinary day it was, although it got off to a rough start." Caught off guard, Lucy's eyes snapped open. What? Was this...was he...was Wyatt finally talking to her about Jessica's death? She inhaled shallowly and forced herself to lie perfectly still in his arms all the while listening intently, proud of his emotional courage and humbled by his trust in her.

"Jess and I had been awake nearly all night with a teething baby. I suppose we were a little spoiled 'cause from the day he was born, Jamie was such a sweet-natured, happy baby and healthy as a horse. Seriously, at eight months old, he hadn't even had so much as diaper rash and rarely cried-which was definitely a blessing for young, inexperienced new parents like us," Wyatt admitted rather wistfully. Her heart twinged sympathetically. She knew that aside from telling her he loved her, how difficult it was for him to open up about any kind of personal feelings, but especially if it was anything having to do with his wife.

"Jamie hadn't been sleeping very well all week, but that night was different–the worst one yet," he sighed. "Poor little guy was suffering through cutting both of his two front teeth at the same time, and no matter what we tried, he kept crying and fussing off and on all night, so of course, none of us got any shuteye. Finally, right before dawn, he wore himself out enough to sleep, so Jess and I fell into bed and basically passed out from exhaustion. Next thing we knew, it was after 7:00 a.m. and Bam was banging on the front door to give me a ride to the base. Jessica dragged herself out of bed to make some coffee while I tore through the shortest shower on record. I was so tired and upset at being late for work, I didn't even kiss her goodbye...just grabbed the go mug of coffee she set on the counter top and bolted. Sleeping through that damn alarm seemed to set a bad tone for the whole day...felt like the hours stretched on forever, and I swear everything took twice as long as it should to get done. Finally, it was almost time to go home when Jess sent me a text asking if I could stop on the way home to pick up diapers." Wyatt's rasping voice trailed off.

Faintly concerned by the growing silence, Lucy lifted her head from his chest to stare at him quizzically. Eventually he cleared his throat but still didn't speak, just continued to look up at the ceiling, clearly lost in thought. Wyatt was one of the strongest people she knew, and to see him in such a worried, vulnerable state wasn't easy for her. "Wyatt?" Lucy asked hesitantly, reaching up to caress his cheek with what she hoped was a reassuring smile. "Hey, are you okay? It's alright if you don't want to finish, really."

His lips curved slightly at the thin comfort she was offering before shaking his head. "I appreciate that, sweetheart, but I'm done keeping stuff from you. We've been together for months now, we love each other, and I promised you weeks ago I'd start sharing everything–the good and the bad. You deserve nothing less from me. There's not too much left to tell, and I just want to get it all out, okay?" When she nodded slowly in agreement, Wyatt exhaled heavily.

"Stupid and irrational as it sounds, I remember being annoyed with Jess in that moment for making my hellish day somehow worse than it already was. I just wanted to go home and relax and spend some time with her and the baby and get the day behind me. So what did I do? I texted her back that I'd watch Jamie after supper so she could run to the store and get some diapers. Even offered to give him his bath. Worst of all-and this is the part I'm not sure I can ever forgive myself for–because I'm such a selfish bastard, I even told Jess it might be good for her to get out of the house after being home with a cranky baby all day, because that's how badly I didn't want to go buy some damn diapers." He fell silent once more.

Blinking rapidly to quell the tears threatening her composure, a stunned Lucy intuitively understood what he was struggling to explain. Inconceivable as it might sound to her, it seemed Wyatt truly believed he was to blame for his wife's death because Jessica left home that fateful evening to get diapers at his suggestion. She was heartsick to think he'd wrestled for years with these self-inflicted feelings of grief and shame.

No, Wyatt, God, no, it wasn't your fault. Driven by the instinctive need to comfort and protect him, she opened her mouth to plead with him to stop torturing himself when Wyatt suddenly tightened his arms around her and said hoarsely, "Please, Lucy, I need to get this out or I never will." Reluctantly biting back a protest, she sniffed and nodded jerkily for him to continue.

"After Bam dropped me off, I offered to feed the baby while Jess put together a quick supper. Funny thing was, after being awake all night, Jamie slept most of the day and woke up in a great mood. We laughed at the way the little rascal happily scarfed down a couple jars of food and kept grabbing the spoon out of my hand. Once we finished eating, like she usually did, Jess went to wipe Jamie off and get him out of the highchair but I shooed her out the door. She protested for about a second, but then gave in when I insisted 'the Logan boys would be fine.' So she left." Fully aware how this devastating story ended, icy tendrils of dread began to creep up Lucy's spine, and she was helpless to control a shiver, although Wyatt didn't seem to notice.

"Guess it took me about an hour or so to give Jamie a bath and his bottle and get him settled in his crib. When I got downstairs, I looked at my watch and realized Jess had been gone a hell of a lot longer than a quick trip to buy diapers. Trying desperately not to panic, I tried her phone a bunch of times but she never answered. That's when I knew in my gut something was horribly wrong. The police knocked on my front door a short while later...and that's...that's when my world fell apart. Afterwards, well, you know most of the rest of the story. It's because of me my wife left the house that night, it was my fault she was in that intersection when the drunk driver hit her...my fault she died...and I live with that cold, bitter knowledge every single day. For the rest of my life, my last memory of Jessica will always be her kissing me and our son before she grabbed her bag and car keys and headed for the front door, calling over her shoulder with a bright smile, 'Thanks, honey. Be back soon.' God, Lucy, she was only 23 years old."

Wyatt's increasingly strained voice broke on the last few words, his strong body shuddering beneath her, a solitary tear slipping down his cheek. Lucy felt like her heart was being torn out of her chest. At the vivid, heartbreaking picture he painted, a fierce wave of love and admiration swept over her. Wyatt had suffered a devastating loss when his young wife died tragically five years ago, something that might've destroyed a lesser man. But not this man. Not the Wyatt Logan Lucy knew and loved. He was one of the finest people she'd ever known-a good, decent person who dug deep and found the courage to deal with an unfathomable loss in order to make a stable, secure life for his beloved son–an infant who hadn't even been a year old when his mother died. And luckily for Lucy, over the past few months, he'd opened his emotionally-scarred heart to make room for her in that life-and she was just so damned grateful.

"Shh, Wyatt, it's okay, I'm here, love, whatever you need," Lucy whispered raggedly, immediately gathering him close to her, where he finally surrendered to his roiling emotions. Dropping his head, Wyatt sobbed harshly against her neck. Heedless of the warm tears drenching her skin, she held him firmly, murmuring meaningless words of comfort and rubbing his back soothingly until at last, the tears gradually lessened and his breathing evened out when he fell asleep in the loving sanctuary of her arms.

It was quite some time, however, before Lucy slept. Wyatt's anguished words echoed around and around her brain, breaking her heart anew at the thought of the crushing despair he suffered at such a young age. Gently smoothing the sweaty, disheveled hair from his forehead, she silently vowed to do whatever it took to help him find some kind of closure...to get out from under the sorrow and regret that continued to weigh so heavily on his heart.

"I love you, Wyatt Logan, and we're going to get through this together, I swear," Lucy promised him in the hushed darkness. They had to. Despite how happy she and Wyatt were together at the moment and no matter how strongly they loved each other, Lucy was positive they'd never be able to build a future together if it meant living beneath the shadow of Jessica Logan's tragic death...and that was just not acceptable...

Pale winter sun was already seeping through the windows when Wyatt woke Sunday morning. Absently rubbing his unusually itchy eyes, he reached for his phone on the table beside the bed, surprised to see it was nearly 8:00 a.m., rather late for them to still be asleep, especially Jamie. That was strange, he thought with a slight frown, until a memory of what happened last night after he and Lucy went to bed unexpectedly surfaced with startling clarity, giving him a pretty good idea why they might've slept longer than usual this morning-Wyatt's decision to tell Lucy about the day Jessica died.

Even before he'd started seeing Dr. Evans twice a week, Wyatt reluctantly understood it was only a matter of time before those private, incredibly painful feelings he'd worked so hard to bury deep inside his soul would be examined and dealt with. The awful day in January when he lost his shit and in a fit of jealous rage nearly destroyed his fairly new relationship was pretty convincing proof of that. While it went against every cowardly scrap of self-preservation he possessed, the time had come to share everything with Lucy. It was clear they'd never be completely happy until the specter of his first wife no longer haunted him.

And so, heart racing and feeling like he might throw up or something, Wyatt shoved down the fear and doubt and just went for it–unburdened his soul to the woman he loved. As expected, it had been painfully difficult, every bit as great an ordeal as he'd anticipated. But he'd managed to get through it, and this morning, in the bright light of day, Wyatt was shocked and relieved at how calm he felt. Maybe, just maybe, he realized, with Lucy's help, it really was possible he could find a way to move on from the past. What a generous, incredible gift she'd given him of her love and patient understanding.

Glancing to his right, he smiled fondly at the small, feminine-shaped lump under the covers. His girlfriend was definitely not a morning person, but he didn't mind at all because the sweet, kind, beautiful kindergarten teacher was pretty damn perfect (for him) in every other way. Rolling over, he nuzzled her soft, warm cheek for a moment and breathed, "I love you, Lucy Preston," against her ear before eagerly climbing out of bed. The day beckoned enticingly, and he wanted nothing more than to spend it with the two most important people in the world to him.

After the three of them polished off a platter of crisp bacon and the hearty stack of waffles Wyatt made for breakfast, they got cleaned up and left to run a few errands. During the meal, Lucy mentioned she needed a few things from the drugstore and reminded him Jamie might like to get stuff for the Valentine's Day party at school. The little boy's blue eyes lit up when she promised he could pick out some candy hearts for his classmates.

Once they arrived at the Hallmark store, his son wasted no time grabbing Lucy's hand and dragging her toward the display of student card packs, so Wyatt took the opportunity to peruse a rack of grownup Valentines by himself. Normally not a mushy card kind of guy–and Jesus, definitely out of practice–he read through at least a half dozen before eventually selecting a pretty card that simply read, "I'm so lucky you're my Valentine." Making sure Lucy was still distracted with Jamie, he made his way to the checkout counter to pay for the card, discreetly tucking the paper bag inside his jacket.

It felt good, felt right to be thinking about the traditionally romantic day next week, he decided. This would be the first Valentines Day in years (not since Jess was pregnant for Jamie) Wyatt had a reason to celebrate the day that was supposedly all about love, and he suddenly wanted badly to do something nice for Lucy. His girlfriend was always so sweet and supportive and should know without a doubt how important she was to him and his son.

Warming up to the idea, he considered maybe since Valentines Day was in the middle of the week, they might wait and go out for dinner and see a movie afterwards the following Saturday. Plus, he could always have some pretty flowers delivered to her at school on February 14. He had a feeling she would love that.

Then out of the blue, Wyatt remembered the gift certificate he and Lucy received from Bam and Julie and her parents on Christmas Eve for some hotel on Coronado Island. A romantic night alone in a fancy hotel would be perfect. As he recalled, the gift included an offer to keep Jamie overnight, too. Even better. Preoccupied with his plans, Wyatt was startled when without warning, a bright-eyed Jamie slammed into his knees. "Whoa, easy there, son, you about knocked me over," he teased, putting a hand on the boy's shoulder to steady both of them.

"There you are, Daddy! Look what we found! It's Spiderman valentines for the kids in my class," he chirped in awe, bouncing up and down on his toes, "Spiderman's my favorite, right, Daddy? and then Miss Lucy said 'cause I'm a big boy now, I can write my name on the back all by myself so they will know the card is from me..." While Wyatt smiled and nodded attentively, his eyes were drawn to the woman waiting quietly behind Jamie with the prized box of cards in her hand.

"Love you," he mouthed impulsively, pleased when Lucy's dark amber eyes widened, a soft pink blush staining her cheeks as she ducked her head shyly at his public declaration. Yes, his Lucy was one hell of a woman–better than an average guy like him deserved-and just like the card he bought for her said, Wyatt was well aware how lucky he was to have her in his life.

The rest of the day passed quite pleasantly but of course went by much too fast, in his opinion. He deftly threw together an easy chicken stir fry for supper, busily cutting up vegetables while Lucy and Jamie sat at the kitchen table behind him and worked on the cards for his classmates since the little boy was too eager to wait until next weekend. Wyatt got a big kick out of how seriously the five-year-old was taking the process, chattering non-stop even as he painstakingly printed JAMIE in slightly crooked block letters on the valentines while Lucy carefully wrote each classmate's name on the front of the tiny envelopes. Not for the first time, he marveled at her seemingly endless patience with small children. Was it any wonder Jamie was just as crazy about this woman as his daddy was?

That evening after the little boy was fast asleep, Wyatt was in the bathroom brushing his teeth when it occurred to him he hadn't thought of Jess once since early this morning, and that sure felt like progress to him. When he came out of the bathroom, Lucy was already tucked in bed, scrolling through her phone. He smirked inwardly at the sight of one of his oversize tee shirts slipping off her narrow shoulder. You'd think Miss Preston would've learned by now what a waste of time it was to bother wearing something to bed...

Late Wednesday afternoon, Wyatt was in the kitchen pulling some towels out of the dryer when he heard the front door open and the pounding of small feet just before his son burst into the room, wrapping his arms around Wyatt's legs and squeezing tightly. "Hey, little man...what's got you all worked up?" he asked with a warm smile.

"Daddy! Daddy! Guess what? Guess what?" Jamie exclaimed loudly, cheeks flushed with excitement, "My friend Jordan at school, he's almost six years old which is more than me 'cause I'm only five years old and he's having a birthday party and all the kids in our room are invited and it's at Chucky Pizza and Jordan says they have games and pizza and I love games and pizza, so please can I go? I asked Miss Lucy and she said, 'You can go, Jamie, if Daddy says it's okay' so is it? Okay? Daddy?" looking up at him expectantly and panting slightly as he tried to catch his breath.

Damn, that was a lot of exposition delivered in a single breath, Wyatt reflected, impressed in spite of himself at the child's (faintly wheezing) enthusiasm. Bemused, he glanced over to see Lucy standing in the open doorway watching father and son with an affectionate smile. "Chucky Pizza?" he asked with a slight frown, absently running a gentle hand over Jamie's blond head.

Taking pity on him, she clarified, "He means Chuck E. Cheese, you know, the restaurant they advertise on tv with the big mouse named Chucky? It seems to be very popular with all the kids at school, and like Jamie told you, it's pretty much just pizza and games." He was amused at his son's fervent nod of agreement.

"Yeah, Daddy, pizza and games and maybe birthday cupcakes so can I go to the party? Please? Please?" Jamie begged shamelessly, eyeing his father hopefully.

"Sure, son, it's okay with me," he answered easily, helpless to resist those dark blue eyes so like his own. He and Lucy both flinched at the resulting high-pitched shriek of happiness. Scooping Jamie into his arms, he got a little choked up when the five-year-old put a chubby hand on either side of Wyatt's face and solemnly informed him he was the 'best Daddy ever.'

Pressing his forehead to Jamie's for a sweet, fleeting moment, Wyatt hugged him close. Clearing his throat, he gruffly replied, "Well, you're the best son ever, so I guess we're perfect for each other, James Wyatt Logan," before kissing the boy's soft cheek and putting him on his feet. "Now, how about you get upstairs and change out of your school clothes while I make you a snack, alright?"

"Yes, Sir," he promised earnestly, "Thank you, Daddy!" pausing just long enough to offer Lucy a jubilant high five before tearing out of the kitchen.

Shaking his head, Wyatt observed thoughtfully, "It sure doesn't take much to make them happy at this age, does it? Pizza and a few games, maybe some Sponge Bob and Legos or Happy Meals at McDonalds. Damn, the years have gone by way too fast since Jamie was born." And since his mother died, an unwelcome little voice in his head reminded Wyatt before he firmly pushed it away, unwilling to let bad feelings intrude on a nice moment like this.

Nodding sympathetically, Lucy agreed, "Yeah, sounds about right for a kindergartener, but just think what you have to look forward to, Daddy, because in around ten years, he'll be begging for a lot more than a birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese," she teased, "like maybe the car keys?" tossing a mischievous grin over her shoulder at Wyatt's sudden pained grimace as she turned towards the fridge.

Before her hand could touch the door handle, however, Lucy gasped when he abruptly reached for a slender wrist and tugged her to him. Lowering his lips to hers, Wyatt kissed his girlfriend leisurely yet thoroughly, enjoying the way her body gradually went limp against his. "What was that for, Master Sergeant?" Lucy asked breathlessly after a long moment, leaning back to wrap her arms around his neck and favor him with a sunny smile, the one that never failed to make his heart race.

"Hmm, that's an even easier question to answer, sweetheart. Because you make me and my son happy-and just because I missed you today," he admitted, nipping delicately at her soft rosy lips, shivering when Lucy's slim fingers combed through the hair at the back of his neck. Pressing herself even closer to him, she declared, "Good answer, soldier, because I missed you, too..." gazing up at him invitingly, dark eyes shining with love.

Even as Wyatt dipped his head to oblige her with another passionate kiss, they could hear a certain five-year-old clomping noisily down the stairs. "My son has impeccable timing," he grumbled woefully, much to Lucy's obvious amusement, reluctantly dropping his arms just as Jamie flew through the doorway, ready for his after school snack. "To be continued," he promised in a husky undertone, slightly miffed at having to settle for openly admiring the gentle sway of her feminine hips as Lucy grabbed a water bottle out of the fridge and with a wink, walked past him and out of the kitchen. Turning back to his hungry son with a quiet sigh, Wyatt mentally calculated how many hours it was until bedtime and he and Lucy were alone...

A/N #3: What a relief that Wyatt finally shared his feelings about his wife's death with Lucy, right? To be honest, this chapter was surprisingly emotional for me to write. It was such a big moment for the two of them, and I wanted to do it justice (and hopefully, I did). Thanks again to all of you who're still invested in this story–it means so much to me :)) Can't believe it's nearly 150,000 words long now, but there's more coming soon, I promise!