Chapter 23 – Anxiety
Thursday, March 9th, 2023
Gabi's POV
30 Weeks Pregnant
I took a deep breath but it wasn't much of a deep breath as there was a whole lot of baby in my ribs. "Little man, c'mon," I whispered as I closed my eyes, I was really only trying to walk to baggage claim to meet Troy. My OB was okay with me traveling this week to come to see Troy for the weekend in Florida. We haven't seen each other in nearly four weeks and I missed him yet I was nervous for tonight and I tried to tamper down the anxiety filling my body. The third trimester had hit me hard – I was a big blob, my ankles were disappearing, and I just didn't feel sexy anymore.
I held my backpack as my legs were sore and crampy from the ride and I really just wanted to sit and cry for a brief moment. The emotions really hadn't gotten any better recently either and wow – how many more weeks of this? I finally made it to the escalator as I rode it down to the baggage claim. I spotted him as soon as the area came into view. He was glancing down at his phone with a hat on backward, his jeans snug on his butt, and that t-shirt framing his biceps. God, he was a beautiful man and I wish I could change the panic. Fuck.
I hit the bottom and it's like he knew I was there suddenly as his head snapped up and looked around. His eyes roved one more time before settling on me. That smile stretched across his lips and his blue eyes caused a well of emotion in my chest. I breathed in deeply as I was only in a pair of leggings with a t-shirt that hugged my belly with a flannel over top. He put his phone in his pocket before walking to meet me as I stepped off.
I only had to take four steps to get out of the way of the escalator and his arms were wrapped around me tightly. "Oh B, fuck, I've missed you." He whispered as he planted his lips into my hair. I hugged him tight as I closed my eyes. Breathe, Gabi, breathe. He pulled away but I only pulled him back in as he released a chuckle from his throat. "Baby, I want to see your face." I shook my head back and forth as the tears started to leak for an unknown reason.
He didn't protest – just held me longer and closer to his body until I felt ready to pull away. I finally did and his hands quickly framed my face, his thumbs brushing away any lingering tears. "You're beautiful," he whispered before leaning in and kissing me. His lips lingering there for a minute and I smiled softly before kissing him back. "Hi, I'm sorry. I am just…" he smiled and kissed me again. "No, you need what you need. It's been a long month apart."
I just nodded as it had been a long month but quick also. I buried myself in the final months of my research and it was coming along really, really well but going home to an empty bed every night wasn't fun. Some nights it was great because I was able to get comfortable but other nights, I just wanted him next to me. "I love you, I missed you, I definitely missed you," Troy laughed as he kissed me again before his hands drifted to my belly and he leaned over to kiss it. "Hi little man, you keeping mommy company?" I smiled while he came back up.
"You are working this whole pregnancy thing really well," I couldn't stop my laugh and shook my head, "I don't feel good but we'll live. C'mon, I want to cuddle with my husband." Troy laughed, "Dinner?" he questioned and I shrugged, "I'm not that hungry." Troy folded our hands together as he went and found my luggage while we went to his parked car. I folded myself inside his rental and he hopped into the passenger seat while I reached forward to rub my legs.
I winced from how tender they were, "B," I shook my head, "I'm sore from top of the bottom. I think it's just pregnancy." I told him and he frowned deeper, "How was your flight?" he asked me and I shrugged, "My calves hurt the entire time and I spent most of the time standing and walking around. It was a pretty empty flight." Troy nodded his head and he threw a look over towards me. "I am really excited that you are here for the weekend,"
I smiled as I squeezed his hand that was sitting on my thigh, "I am just happy to be with you. I have missed you. I know I was busy a lot with school and fuck the exhaustion is back in full force. I can't even breathe half of the time." His hand ran up and down my thigh, "I know baby, I am not mad at you. I've been busy training employees and whatnot. It's been a hard month. I'm just happy you are here." I went quiet as I turned my head to look out the window.
He let me have a quiet moment to myself while we finished the drive to the hotel. His hand continued to rub my thigh gently and when he parked the car – I breathed a sigh of relief while I unbuckled my seat belt. Troy and I both slipped out of the car while he grabbed my bags and I waited for him. He came over and tipped my head back with one finger, "You okay? You're off." I just shrugged non-committed to the response and he narrowed his eyes.
"B, baby, talk to me." My eyes cast to the hotel and a shot to my ribs had me gasping for breath. My fingers automatically going to the spot, "Can we just go inside first?" I questioned. Troy's eyes surveyed my face and nodded as he laced our fingers together while heading inside. I leaned into him as we waited for the elevator and he dropped a kiss to my head. "How about we order off room service for tonight? Dessert, fries, whatever you want," Troy was trying to coax something out of me but I wasn't sure what I wanted at the moment. I was still nervous he was going to want to go upstairs and strip all my clothes off and then he would be turned off by how I looked.
The nerves crept into my chest and the anxiety built up inside of me. Troy only sighed when I didn't respond and we walked down the hallway where he entered his room. I let go of his hand as I wrapped my arms around my chest while I tried to find my breath. "B, baby, I really need you to talk to me." I turned to face him and I exhaled. "I'm sorry, I just don't know what to say right now. I'm nervous," His face scrunched up in confusion.
"Why are you nervous? I really hate it when you don't talk to me and what is causing this panic? I see it in your eyes." I squeezed my betraying eyes closed and tried to find out how to speak the words I needed to say. "You are doing it again, you are closing up, and not talking to me. God, it's the most frustrating part of our entire relationship and I know, I get it, you like to think about shit and you don't want to talk sometimes but we are a team. We are not supposed to do this shit,"
The frustration left his mouth and he tossed his hat off while he scrubbed his face. "We've been together a good while now and this isn't new. I shouldn't be surprised. I just – I wish you would just tell me what is bothering you sometimes. Did I do something? Did something happen on your flight? Is school stressful? I can keep guessing over and over again but until you speak the words, I don't know how to comfort you. I don't know what you need from me." His words were stressed and I looked down at the floor as I couldn't breathe and his words were just getting angrier and angrier. My chest felt so tight and I tried to breathe.
"I'm sorry," the words were cracked with a sob in the middle as I looked up at him. His blue eyes were bewildered as he looked at me, "I don't want you to say you're sorry. I don't want that. I want you to just tell me, God, Gabi nothing can be as bad as you having an abortion and not telling me." I gasped at his words and I finally just turned and walked away. I walked into the bathroom and I shut the door and leaned back against it as I cried. The panic swirled and edged through and I couldn't stop the panic. The overwhelming thought that I was pushing him away again, the thought that I was failing everything, and the panic of him not wanting me. I couldn't breathe. I gasped for another breath of air.
"Fuck, B, I'm sorry, I didn't mean that." He spoke through the door and I gasped for air between sobs as I moved to sit against the wall but my belly was getting too big to allow me to pull my legs up to my chest. The door handle wiggled and it opened gently before he was sitting right next to me. He let his legs unfold in front of us as he just sat with me as I cried next to him. "Breath, baby, breathe," he finally whispered and I gasped for another breath. The air coming harder to come by. He reached up and flipped off the lights and his hand rubbed my back gently, "Breath, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you upset. Breathe, baby," I listened to his voice reminding me to breathe as he took deep breaths for me to follow. To say this was the first time in recent months would be a lie.
My body began to calm down and I closed my eyes as I wiped away the tears that were still escaping. I took in another deep breath as he never once left my side. I loved him so much for these moments. I was losing my shit and he was right here. I owed him. My head rested on his shoulder as I started to speak.
"I'm scared that you were going to want to have sex tonight and I feel like a whale. I feel like you are going to take one look at me and see how ugly I've gotten. I have stretch marks and everything is swollen and everything hurts," I buried my head into my hands as the tears poured out of my eyes, my chest aching with the worry and the relief that I just told him. It wasn't that I was scared to tell him but more that I was hoping that I would change my mind. That it would go away.
His hands gently grabbed me and he gently slid me onto his lap. I let my head rest on his shoulder as he just circled me in tightly. He didn't say anything until my tears had turned to a slow trickle and my breathing was returning to normal. His fingers brushed through my hair and I felt my eyes getting heavy but I didn't want to fall asleep like this. "I'm sorry," I whispered quietly. "I don't know why I couldn't just tell you but I was hoping that when I saw you, I would change my mind but I just…panicked. I don't want to push you away but how do I tell you that I'm ugly now?" I reached up to wipe my face and Troy breathed in deeply before he shifted.
"I need you to look at me," he said quietly and I battled with the fear of it but I finally pulled my head back to see those blue eyes that were concerned. His hand reached up and stroked my face, "Fuck Gabi, I think you're fucking beautiful. That was my first thought when I saw you was how beautiful you were. I know that your body is changing rapidly and it's not the same but I didn't expect you to not change. You're growing our baby and that is the most beautiful thing there is, baby girl." Troy held his gaze on me for a long moment, "I would never force you to do anything, I don't know why…" I shook my head back and forth.
"No, no, I never thought you would force me. You never would." I paused as I tried to get my thoughts together. "I just wanted to be with you and I am so scared that you are going to see me and finally realize that I'm a fucking mess. I'm scared and anxious and everything just keeps changing on my body and I can't keep up." His chest rose and fell as I knew he was at a loss for words at the moment. I curled back into his side and he played with my left hand, his fingers playing with my ring and I watched him. His jaw was clenched and it relaxed before clenching again. He had scruff across his jaw and his hair was growing out up top. His eyes looked up at me and those blue were struggling to find the right words.
"Let me try this again – Gabs, I am sorry. My comment was too much and I was just…angry. I just want you to be open and honest with me. That's all I want and from the moment I've met you I know you like to figure shit out on your own, I know how independent you are, I know all of that but I love you. Whatever you are feeling – I feel. Whatever is bothering you – bothers me. I feel it all with you, baby. The moment I saw you today I knew something was off. I understand though about tonight. That is a lot and we have been separated for a month. This is the first time that we've been separated for a month and you've been pregnant. A lot has changed in a month and I understand why it freaked you out. I understand." His words were soothing and I sat up and faced him finally.
"That's not the first time I've had a panic attack this month." I acknowledged to him. He straightened up and his eyes looked at me, a hint of anger simmering back in, "I mean, you were around for the first few. Finding out I was pregnant, the ultrasound, and the few after that. You left and I started having more. Mostly about trivial things that I was able to just calm myself down about. My research not going well, the fact that you were gone, but the closer it got to leaving the more anxious I had become about coming. My belly is big, my ankles are gone, my face is puffy, nothing is normal. I saw you and I want you but I don't want you to hate my body either." I sniffled and I breathed in deeply as I faced him.
"I already planned to talk to my OB about the anxiety at the next appointment that you went to me with. I was going to bring it up after I got to spend time with you but…it seemed my anxiety got it before I did." Troy just exhaled hard for a beat and he closed his eyes. "I love you, so much, I am so sorry that I left you and you've been dealing with this alone. I should have seen it more." I gave a half-smile with a tiny shrug, "It is not your fault. I should have told you over the phone. I was just hoping I could control it."
He huffed a breath and the baby kicked against my belly, I reached for Troy's hand and I gently placed it there and he smiled feeling him move. His eyes grabbed mine and I breathed in heavily as he continued to kick and Troy kept his hand right there. "My therapist said this flare of anxiety could be related to pregnancy. That we should be very observant for PPD or PPA after we have him." Troy stroked my belly with his hand as he breathed out, "I don't like fighting with you." He lifted his eyes to meet mine and I nodded, "I don't like fighting with you." I whispered back. "I try my hardest, Troy. I promise. I know it seems like I don't but I do."
"I know," he said quietly, "I know." He tilted his head and he breathed in for a moment before he stood up. He reached his hand down and I looked up at him. "Come here," I nodded and he gripped my hand gently as he helped me up from the floor. "We are going to have a long talk tomorrow about the whole anxiety thing and what we are going to do together. I am going to save that for tomorrow because tonight I am going to show you what I see in you right now." I looked at him and turned my head to focus on his words. A small smile on his face, "I need you to understand everything coming out of my mouth is honest to god truth. It's exactly how I see you."
He twisted me around to face the mirror and he breathed as he watched me in the mirror. "Your brown eyes are tired and I think most of that is from the last two hours but it's also because you are thirty weeks pregnant and this is hard. You are growing a baby and I love you for that. I don't think for a minute that I don't take what you are doing for granted." My eyes filled with tears but he continued his little speech. "I see your belly that is all baby." He reached down and let his hands skim over it gently. "Can I take your flannel off?" he asked me and I nodded my head as he gently slipped it off my shoulders. "Can I lift up your shirt?" I was hesitant but I nodded my head.
"I'm not going to do anything you don't want. Just say stop," I nodded my head in understanding as his fingers pushed up my t-shirt. I turned my head away, "No, no, I want you to see what I see…remember?" I closed my eyes and I took in a deep breath before I faced him in the mirror. His blue eyes serious, Troy let his hand framed my belly and he smiled as he rolled in my belly, again. "That is fucking amazing, that's what that is. That your body is expanding and growing for our son. That it's keeping him safe and comfy until he's ready to come out to meet us. I see those stretch marks as your body doing exactly what it needs to do. You're small, B. Your body had to stretch."
The thickness of the emotion caught me off guard as I fell back against him. "I will never think of you than anything less than beautiful. You're stunning, drop-dead gorgeous, and my wife. You could change your hair color, tattoo your entire body, change your skin color, I will find you nothing less than beautiful. We might have a few disagreements along the way but the baby – it's right here that I love the most." His hand covered my heart and I squeezed my eyes while the tears ran down my face.
"I know how challenging the past several weeks have been. I am not mad at you. I love you." He kissed my shoulder and I just leaned against him soaking in his words. I turned around to face him and he looked more relaxed and his eyes were scanning my face. "I for the millionth time do not deserve you," I whispered as I leaned forward. He wrapped his arms around me and he sighed softly while he kissed my head. "Can we lay in bed together?" I whispered.
"Yea, c'mon," he led me to bed and I stripped my leggings off while Troy eased me backward. He made sure I was propped up with pillows, "Relax," he said as he picked up my leg and gently started to massage it. I nearly moaned with relief as his fingers dug into my skin releasing some of the built-up tension. He worked my swollen ankles with extra attention on my feet. My eyes were too heavy to fight it but I slipped them open for an extra second, "I love you, Troy. I'm sorry. I never wanted to start this like this." He gave me a smile, "Rest your eyes, baby,"
Troy's POV
My eyes were wide as I stared at her as she finally fell asleep but holy fucking hell – I wasn't sure if I was going to be able her ever being pregnant again. Okay, that was an exaggeration but Gabi was the girl who didn't have emotions. She pushed people away and tried to hide them before every exposing them but what I got today was a bombshell. The past month had been less than stellar with me being gone, her trying to get all of her research done – even working through most of her spring break and she was in her third trimester alone.
I fell back onto the bed as I closed my eyes trying to process everything as I knew she was having more anxiety attacks. I did know they were happening because they happened a few times before I left and she never really wanted to talk about them then but it was her losing control and that terrified her. I twisted onto my stomach to face her as I hated that she thought I wouldn't understand. I do understand – her body was different and for an athlete like her. It was probably hard to process it.
I only ever wanted to protect her from all of this. She didn't deserve all of these emotions and thoughts and to just be anxious all the time. She called me a few times and I knew she was talking herself down after one. She just needed to hear my voice. I was glad she was talking to her therapist. I was glad she already was going to talk to her OB. That all gave me comfort. She wasn't hiding from it but she was scared of it. Fuck, I had to go home with her. I could finish up my shit and go home with her.
Rubbing my lips together – I made sure she was comfortable underneath the blankets before I stood up. The exhaustion hit hard while I twisted my ring around my finger. I rubbed my face as I knew the person to call. She had been my go-to person with all of the pregnancy emotions and they had started from the very damn beginning. I love her, I do. The emotions were a fucking lot to handle though. She clearly didn't feel like herself and I had to remind myself that over and over again.
The phone rang a couple of times before she answered, "Hey! I didn't think I would hear from you today. Gabi was flying into town today." I grimaced and sighed, "Yea, she's passed out. It was a rocky reunion from the moment I saw her." My mom paused, "Oh?" I scrubbed my face and breathed in deeply. "Yea, I knew something was off the moment I saw her. She was just…distant. She stayed that way the entire trip back and no matter what I did – she was just shut off."
My eyes turned to face her, "She ended up having a complete anxiety attack on me because she was anxious about me hating how she looks since we haven't seen each other in a month." I massaged the bridge of my nose and my mom exhaled. "Oh sweetie, she's going through a lot and I know that it's hard for her and you because you just wanted to spend time with your wife, and instead you got this other version of her tonight."
"Yea, exactly," I mumbled, "And I feel awful because she can't help it. I know she can't help it. She's pregnant and it's my child and I am so thankful for her but fuck mom, it's hard. I know it's hard for her, too."
"What did you do for her?" she questioned and I sighed, "I showed her what I saw. How beautiful she is. She is self-conscious about her stretch marks, her belly, her ankles – but I just know that she is growing our baby."
"Troy, honey, she is changing a lot. It's hard on the female brain as we are always told that we have to look good, be thin, etc. It is hard to think otherwise and she is an athlete." I closed my eyes, "I know. I told myself this. I just – I got so frustrated with her not being able to speak her mind to me and I did say shit but I apologized and she just – fell apart on me. I hate it. I hate that I can't make her feel better. I can't change her brain. I don't know what to do."
"You are doing the best you can, sweetie. Nothing is rational to her right now. She's tired, she is swollen and it's not her body anymore. Just love her sweetie, and I know you get frustrated when she doesn't talk to you straight but don't you think that's just a little bit of Gabi?"
I rolled my eyes, "It's a lot of Gabi, she tries to handle it on her own. Example, abortion. Which is what I threw back in her face tonight and that did not go over very well." I mumbled and my mom couldn't help but laugh from the other end. "She's a headstrong woman, Troy. Isn't that what you wanted?" I sighed, "Yea, I did. I love her. I wouldn't change her but I want to help her."
"You know she'll come to you."
My eyes lingered on her as her hand was thrown over her belly protecting it and I sighed, "Will she?" I whispered and my mom laughed, "Troy, you two have grown so much since then. Has she ever not come to you since then?" I tried to think of time but I shook my head because she was had been a lot more honest with me. It still took her some time but – that's just who she was. "I feel like an ass," I whispered and my mom was quiet for a minute. "You are both trying to navigate something new, baby. I wouldn't get too caught up in it. Talk to her. Don't accuse her of anything. She's probably terrified."
"Thanks, mom," I said with a tiny sigh, "You love her Troy, that's all you need to do. Telling her how she is beautiful was the correct thing to do. You are doing exactly what you need to do." I smiled, "I love you mom,"
"I love you, too. I can't wait to see both of you for that baby shower next weekend." I smiled, "Hopefully everybody is a bit saner."
My mom barked a laugh, "Doubtful. She won't be sane until that baby is born and she may not be normal after that either. How much time are you taking off after he's born?" she questioned, "I don't know. I talked to Hanson about taking about 2-3 weeks off. I have some time saved up but I would definitely take a bit of a hit with unpaid time." My mom sighed, "I wish you could take more time. I think the first month is going to be hard for her and you being there will help."
"How hard?"
"I mean the transition to being a new parent is hard enough and she is already showing signs of anxiety. Her hormones will be just as wacky, plus sleep-deprived, plus just trying to figure out all of the emotions. She is going to need you."
"I don't know what to do mom, she isn't getting paid. I'm not getting paid. We have a house to pay for." I said as the stress built on my shoulders, "Don't stress too much about it, just know, that you'll need to watch her then too. It just doesn't end for a while." My heart sank but I understood. "Okay," I whispered, "I'll talk to you soon." I hung up as I walked over and I crawled onto the bed with Gabi. I pulled her into my arms and I buried my lips into her hair and breathed her in.
What I wouldn't give to pull her into my body and just protect her from the world. "Am I going crazy?" her voice was faint and I squeezed my eyes shut, "No, baby, no," I whispered into her ear. "You aren't going crazy."
Thursday, March 16th, 2023
31 weeks pregnant
Gabi's POV
I anxiously swung my legs back and forth and Troy let his hand slide up my leg. He came home with me after talking with Hanson and his new department about needing to be home. I cried an endless number of tears thinking that I was ruining work for him but he reassured me over and over again that it was something he wanted to do. Our relationship was strained that weekend and I hated that I did it. It got better when we got home.
Troy was still working long hours but from our home office and I was doing a lot of my research from home as well. Dr. Wilson was running a little bit behind as Troy's phone rang. He squeezed my leg and looked at the phone before he stuffed it back in his pocket. "How about we go to Rents after this? I feel like we both need some time together." I looked up at him and I nodded, "Are you sure you can take more time off work?" I blubbered and Troy smiled, "Yea, I told Hanson I was taking the whole afternoon off."
"Let's play a game," Troy suggested as we wait, "Tell me exactly what's on your mind right now," I breathed out and smiled, "I'm nervous." I acknowledged. Troy nodded his head as I elaborated for him. "I don't know why. I think it's just me wanting everything to be normal but I know it isn't normal. I want to be normal for you." He stood up and his hands framed my face. "You don't have to be anything but yourself for me."
"I know, I just…I feel that strain between us right now and I hate it." He kissed my forehead, "Lauren will be here tonight." I smiled when the door to the doctor's office opened. "Gabi, Troy, how is it going?" Dr. Wilson said as she looked over my notes and I smiled, "I'm okay. He's moving around a ton and I feel huge but…" she smiled as she took measurements of my belly and looked over my vitals. "Everything looks perfect. Is there anything you want to talk about?"
Troy gently squeezed my knee and I breathed out, "I've been having a lot of panic attacks." I said with a breath, "I had my first one in your office and since then – it happens a lot more frequently. I worry I panic, I freak out over little things and I am just…I don't know what to do." I admitted to her as my eyes filled with tears. "It's over little things, my research, my body changing, over not being a good enough mom. I know a lot of it is normal to have anxiety about but I can't breathe and so many tears."
Dr. Wilson nodded her head as she took her glasses off and wheeled closer to us. "I thought it would go away or I could handle it. I've never really had anxiety like this before." Dr. Wilson nodded her head, "I'm glad you spoke up about it here. Thank you for telling me," she acknowledged. "You're right, a lot of those things moms typically have anxiety about but if you are having panic attacks about them then that is where it's too much."
I nodded in agreement, "Yea, I agree. I feel bad for Troy because I know the hormonal changes and then the anxiety has been really hard on our relationship." I breathed out and my eyes hovered over towards him. "I have no doubt that he is doing everything for you to make you comfortable. What are you doing for him?" she questioned and Troy sighed, "I was gone for the last month and I wasn't aware they were still happening so some of them were alone but when I am there I just try to remind her to breathe, I turn the lights off, and just sit with her. I don't know what else to do."
Dr. Wilson gave him a supportive smile. "That's about the best you can do. Hugging her might help too if that's something she wants as it will decompress the nervous system. Do you want to talk about using medications?" she requested and I closed my eyes. "Is there any chance this is linked to just the pregnancy?" I questioned and she nodded. "I think so. You never had a panic attack prior?" I shook my head. "No. I am typically very composed and easy-going. I don't know if I am just extra stressed from the research, from the pregnancy, and I don't know. I don't want to take medications but if it will help." I exhaled and nodded, "I am already in therapy. I have asked for another appointment and to do it more frequently. We've talked about my anxiety a couple of times."
Dr. Wilson nodded her head again, "I am a little concerned for after birth as well." She spoke sitting up. "I don't want to alarm either of you but the odds of developing postpartum depression and anxiety while experiencing it during pregnancy is much higher. Having you started on something might help that as well. We have about nine weeks left and it would be an optimal time to start." I looked down as I battled back the tears. Troy's hand gently rubbed my leg and I breathed in roughly. "Why do I feel like a failure?"
"Oh sweetie, this isn't your fault. None of this is your fault. I need you to understand that sentence. Your body is full of hormones, your body is changing, and that baby is causing a lot of this. It might take a few months after birth but I think you will be okay. I honestly think it's a short-term thing. You didn't have it prior." I nodded and she smiled, "We'll start with a low dose if that is something you are comfortable with, okay?" I nodded as I wiped away tears as she went back to the desk.
"It is safe for pregnancy and for breastfeeding if that is something you are wanting to do. Okay?" I nodded my head again as I wiped away the tears that continued to fall. "I'll see you back in two weeks. We'll see how you are feeling and we'll start just your two-week appointments a little earlier." I smiled with a nod and she finished writing the script, instructed me on how to take them, and once she left the room, I looked at Troy and he gave me a tiny smile. "I'm proud of you and she's right…it's not your fault."
"It just…feels that way."
"But it's not and if you need me to say it over and over again – I will." He stood up and wedged himself between my legs and I hugged him. My head resting on his chest and he stroked my back. "You're an amazing woman who is doing a lot. I am going to be home a lot more and you aren't doing this alone." I tilted my head back and gave him a little smile as he kissed me. "Yea, you understand?" I nodded my head, "I do. I just wish my brain would understand it better."
"If you hate the medications then we stop and figure something else out but I am worried about you after we have him. I am worried that I am going to be leaving you home every day and not feel okay. I am worried and I don't want you to feel burdened by that worry. I just need you to know. I need you to ease my mind sometimes – respond to me, talk to me, let me help you. Just…just for right now. I know you are my strong independent girl and I love that about you. Just let me help you right now, okay? Please?" I swallowed on the emotion in my throat as I nodded and held him close to me. "Yes," I breathed.
Saturday, March 18th, 2023
Gabi's POV
I laughed with Lauren as we were doing the final touches with the baby shower and Lauren smirked, "Why won't you just let me see the rest of his name!" she pouted and I shook my head, "You will find out with everybody else. We thought it would be a lot of fun to announce his name at the baby shower." I said with a shrug of shoulders. Ever since my doctor's appointment on Thursday things have been looking up. I wasn't feeling a ton better by any means but finally just letting go of my control and letting Troy help – had made things better.
"Gabi, where do you want the pile of presents?" Troy came into the living room with his khaki shorts and a grey duke t-shirt. "By the chair," I said pointing and he nodded as he stashed a pile of presents. A smile worked on his lips as he glanced up at me and he smiled. "You doing okay?" I nodded my head as I nudged to the four letters behind me that would eventually reveal his name. A white sheet covered all over them except the K. "Lauren wants to know his name now."
Troy chuckled as he came over and brought me into a kiss. "Are you sure you want to announce?" he asked with a head tilt and I nodded my head, "Yea, I really do. I really want to say his name out loud and not have to hide it. It's him. I can feel it." Troy smiled as we kissed again and I hugged him. "Troy, Grey should be pulling up. He is not happy that I am finishing my year in Chicago." I chuckled with a smile on my face. "He'll get over himself. You'll be back in the Carolina's soon enough." Troy said as he kissed my head and walked over to the kitchen.
My mom and his mom were scrambling around the kitchen while our dads were out back already sharing a beer. We were doing a big party with all of our friends and family. Trevor and Vivian had just shown up and I rubbed my belly as the little man kicked right back. "Hey Troy," I nudged my head towards the stairs and he nodded as he followed me upstairs. I got to our bedroom as I grabbed a necklace and handed it to him.
"Is this all you needed?" he asked with a hint of humor. I shook my head as he clasped it and pulled the hair out before placing a kiss on my cheek. "I love you and me just…" I sighed as I twisted around to face him. Our eyes connected together and I reached up to play with his hair. "Hi, I love you. I am thankful for you." He smiled as he dipped to kiss me. The kiss started innocent but it slowly got carried away. His tongue coaxing my lips apart and stroking my own. My hands slid over his shirt and he eased me up on the dresser as my legs locked around his waist.
"I love you, too. We need to celebrate you and him though today." I smiled as I reached up, "I think you deserve some celebration as well. This hasn't been easy on either of us." Troy smiled and shook his head, "Nah. You are doing the hard part. Have I been frustrated, yea, have I been worried, yes, but I just…I have you and that's all that matters to me. I think it's hard for me to process that you want to try and do things on your own first. I was trying to change you and I don't want to change you. It's frustrating but it's just who you are. I've known this. Don't change, baby. Just come to me when you're ready." I buried my face into his chest and he kissed my hair.
"I love you,"
"I love you, too. C'mon, if we don't pay attention Lauren will take the whole sheet off his name." I laughed as we walked back downstairs hand in hand. A few people had arrived and I gladly went around and hugged and thanked everybody for coming. "Everybody, please, go put in your guesses for the baby name. We will run through them before we officially announce his name!" I announced and Lauren shot me an evil look from across the room.
Troy and I decided on his name fairly easily. We both made a list of our favorite boy names and it was both in our top five. The middle name didn't take long either because we decided it was going to be a family name and one just stuck better than the others. I was excited to finally start saying his name out loud and show the nursery off. We had a big wood sign with his name scrawled across it on the gray walls. I rub my belly as our families wandered in, we played the few games, and we all talked.
Troy and most of the guys were in the backyard socializing and talking with beers while us ladies stayed inside. I finally settled into a chair as Lauren crashed in next to me. "Can I please know his name," she begged to reach for my belly causing me to laugh. "Not yet. We are getting closer. How about we cut the cake, make the guys drink the beer out of the bottles, do presents, and then we'll do it." I said with a shrug and Lauren grumbled with annoyance.
We both got up as she went outsides and invited the boys in as we went over to the cake. It was a round cake with light blue icing around the sides. An "Oh Boy" sign sitting on top as I stroked my belly thinking of the next big party which would probably be his first birthday. I smiled thinking about it as I took pictures with the cake. Troy slid behind me and kissed my neck as he smiled. "You're beautiful," I laughed as I tilted my head back as he kissed me.
"Why are you two so adorable," Audrey came over and hugged us and I laughed while Jessie jumped in to cut the cake for us. Lauren grinned, "Boys! It's time for you all to shine! Out to the back!" the group was intrigued as everybody headed out back where Lauren was waiting with coolers.
"Anderson, Grey, Troy, Jake, Hanson, and uh…" she paused while glancing around for a moment. "Oh, what the hell Sam and Eli," Troy shot me a look and I only grinned my response. "Okay boys, you've all chugged beer in your life but today we are making it a little bit more challenging. You are going to do it from a bottle today." They all looked at each other and then a few looks came right back for me. I giggled as my mom stood behind me as she hugged me from the side.
"Okay boys let's see who is the best bottle chugger," Lauren handed them all out as Grey unscrewed the cap and smelled it. "What the fuck am I drinking?" he asked and my dad glanced at him, "Language, Grey, Lord, you'd think I taught you something in the five years." Grey shot him a look with an apologetic smile. "Sorry, sir," my dad chuckled as they each had the bottle. "It's Miller Lite, Grey. Sometimes we can afford your expensive taste," Lauren threw back and Troy chuckled under his breath as he nudged him.
"Okay boys, ready…" they set the bottles to their lips and Lauren wiggled her eyebrows. "Set…go!" she yelled and the boys started to chug away at the bottles. They all started out strong and I couldn't help but laugh watching them chug through the nipple trying to get the beer out faster. I took a video for my Instagram account and I couldn't stop my giggles in the background. Troy was doing pretty well but the true champion was none other than my father.
A laugh busted on my lips as he chucked the bottle when it was over and most of the guys still had 1/3 left including Troy. "Eli, what the hell man. That was impressive." Sam said causing all of us to laugh loudly. Troy took the cap off the bottle and finished it off with Grey. The guys all took a picture together and they had me get in the middle of the last picture. I smiled as soon as we were done, I went over and gave my dad a hug. "Wow dad, you are hiding a serious talent." My dad chuckled underneath his breath. "Ha! I've done that a time or two," he said with a wink. He kissed the top of my head before I went over and pushed Troy's shoulder. "That's all you could get?"
Troy chuckled, "B, it's a lot harder than it looks. Remind me to give your first drink post-baby in a bottle." I couldn't stop my laugh as I gave him a quick kiss. "C'mon, let's go do presents," I said with a giddy smile, and Troy grinned watching as we headed inside for the door. We settled into two chairs as I took a sip of water while Lauren settled down. Vivian was going to write down everything for us and I looked at the overwhelming number of gifts in front of us.
"Troy, Gabi, smile," I looked up at my mom and I smiled as she snapped a picture of the two of us. Troy and I slowly started to open all of the presents – books, clothes, diapers, rags, bottles, toys, and all of the little things we were going to need to take care of our little man. A few different Duke outfits, a pair of basketball shoes, and my parents bought the car seat and stroller that we wanted. Viv and Trevor went in to get the swing. Troy's parent's filled a basket of goodies that many people probably didn't think you needed and I couldn't stop the overwhelming emotion of how thankful I was for all of it.
"Here Gabs," Troy handed me another gift and I pulled out the tissue paper after reading that it was from Aunt Lauren and Uncle Grey. I pulled out the Owlet baby monitor and I gasped looking up at them. Lauren smiled from ear to ear but tears were in her eyes, "To hopefully help ease some of the worries after you have him. A teacher friend swears by it and it gives her a peace of mind. I figured it might help you." I couldn't stop the tears as I went over and I hugged her. She hugged me back and squeezed. "Thank you," I whispered into her ear. "You're going to be an amazing mom, Gabs. I know saying don't stress about it is easy but…you are going to rock it. "
I thanked her again, I hugged Grey, before I went back to over to open the last of the presents. Troy squeezed my knee, "He's a bit spoiled." He said and I giggled, "Did you imagine anything less than this?" he shook his head before he kissed me and stood up to help take out the trash. I smoothed my hand over my growing belly and thanked everybody as I looked around the room. "Troy, Gabi," Sam and Jessie came over and I shared a look with Troy as he was only giving a look towards his parents. They pulled us into a quiet portion of the house as the guests walked around.
"We wanted to give you something else as well to our other gift. Audrey picked out most of that stuff because Troy, I know, we've talked about how you are only getting about two weeks' worth of time to take off to be with Gabi and the baby and I know you are both worried about the after with everything else going on," Jessie said with a supportive smile. "We want to support whatever you aren't getting Troy from your job to stay home with Gabi for the first month."
Troy blinked a few times and I swallowed back on the emotion thickening in my throat. "If you are able to take that much time off without getting fired…we want to help make the ends meet since you won't be getting paid. We feel like that is more important than anything else right now for both of you." Sam explained and I covered my mouth as Troy stood in complete silence – shocked to the floor. "Seriously?" he finally uttered and they both nodded as Troy grabbed both of his parents into a tight hug. They laughed as Troy pulled back with his eyes rimmed red. "I don't know how I can repay you guys that is…that's a dream come true." Troy's voice was laced with emotion and I felt a sob crack from my throat listening to him.
He turned and pulled me into a tight hug as it was a dream come true for the both of us. I hugged and thanked them both profusely as I wiped away my tears. "I can't believe it. I just…thank you. I was nervous but getting that first month back with him will be so helpful." Jessie gave me a smile and she hugged me again. "You both deserve it. Now, what is his name?" I giggled as Troy smiled. "C'mon, let's go read through the names and see if anybody got it,"
Troy and I closed the name guessing contest as we went to the counter and started to flip through the names. Kyle was overwhelmingly the most popular thought, Kade, Klay, Kaiden, Kahn, Kaci were all represented more than once but I go through the names again we only saw the name appear one time and I laughed as I showed it to Troy. He flipped it over and he rolled his eyes with a laugh, "Of course, Audrey would figure it out."
I giggled as I dropped a kiss onto Troy's cheek as he stood up and we gathered everybody around. "Alright everybody, out of all of the guesses – only one person got it right," Troy said as I hooked my arm through his and the crowd grumbled probably realizing it wasn't Kyle. "We are both so thankful that you could all show up today to celebrate Gabi in her journey to motherhood and to chug a few beers out of bottles," the crowd laughed and Troy looked down at me.
"We all can't wait for May to come so you can all officially meet…." I drug it out and the room was tense with silence as Troy chuckled in the suspense. "Knox Meyer Bolton," Audrey screeched in the crowd and she came barreling through before grabbing us both in a hug. "Oh my god it was such a random guess," she laughed and Troy smirked, "Good guess," everybody complimented his name while we took the white sheet off his name, and Troy and I took a picture with it.
"Meyer?" Jessie approached and Troy smiled with a shrug, "We knew we wanted his middle name to have some family meaning. Meyer sounded the best with it." Troy explained and she blinked her eyes as she hugged both of us again. "Hi Knox," she whispered towards my belly and I shared a look with Troy as he winked a smile crossing his features. Even though all of this shit I still loved his smile, the little wink, and I was so thankful that he was mine.
My hand rested on the top of my belly and I blinked away the tears knowing that Knox and I were going to be blessed with the best husband and father. I vowed to try and be better but to the best of my abilities through our final weeks together before we had this baby. "Knox, god, that is so fucking cute." Lauren sighed, "You did good," Lauren said and I smiled, "I am thankful that it was easy for the both of us. It just feels like that's his name, too. I'm excited to say it out loud more."
Lauren grinned, "Have you screamed it a couple of times?" she questioned and I busted out laughing with a smile on my face, "Nah, not yet. We might have to try it." Lauren smiled and I looked over at Troy who was talking with a group of people and I went over to wrap my arms around his waist while his hand covered mine.
HEY! I hope you all enjoyed the chapter! I learned a LOT last semester about PPA/PPD in my classes and how it can manifest EARLY in pregnancies so I wanted to incorporate that into the story. Gabi is FAR from perfect and I know some of you wish she would speak her mind sooner BUT that is just who Gabi is. She's doing her best and while pregnant! So…give her a little bit of grace. :) I hope you all enjoyed the baby shower and what was that at the end? Did I ACTUALLY spill the name early? Damn straight I did. I figured after the start of the chapter I could leave you something to smile about!
I hope you are all staying well and doing well! I am happy to be writing for all of you still! Yes, I know, it's a bummer that this story doesn't have much left. It was a favorite of mine too but I am so excited to share MORE with you!
Finally, the next story that will be posted (SOON aka maybe Sunday?) is Coach! Coach and Nurse Montez were neck and neck the ENTIRE time! So…Coach won the popular vote and it also has the most chapters pre-written. I'll start updating that every other Sunday like normal. His Girl will continue to get updates AS I FINISH the chapters! Once this story is finished AND I get seven or so more chapters written to Nurse Montez – I'll debut that one. You will not have to wait that long for that one! Drunk Girl will one day make an appearance but for now, that is the order it will happen!
I can't wait to share!
PLEASE REVIEW!