-o- CHAPTER TWENTY -o-

riku's revelations

Axel and I carried everyone through a Dark portal once again, this time to the familiar comforts of the Coliseum. It was strange how excited I was to sleep that night in my old quarters. Even with Lulu as a roommate, after our recent and terrible conflict, I couldn't help but feel like I was home. It was no Destiny Islands, but it was familiar. I was able to feel once again what I'd felt before we'd left this place; like anything was possible. Back in my old training bed, I slept for hours and hours.

I awoke in the morning to the sound of Lulu's voice.

"There'll be food soon, if you want any," she said gently. "Mulan is cooking breakfast."

"Thanks," I said, biting my lip. I worried about Mulan, back to work already, but I didn't feel like sharing that with Lulu. She seemed to think no one was allowed to be weak. "I, um, I wanted to say I'm sorry. For, um, tackling you before."

To my surprise, Lulu smiled. "Everyone's allowed a meltdown or two," she said. "Especially someone with as much on their shoulders as you."

I scratched my head. I spoke bluntly. "I'm surprised to hear you be so understanding. You've been sort of... frigid to me ever since we met."

Lulu's eyes drifted down, exuding a sudden sadness. Almost vulnerable. "I was suspicious of you, at first."

"Suspicious?" I eyed her incredulously.

"Where I come from, you learn not to take things for granted. People die all the time. We are constantly at war with a beast named Sin, never truly able to rest and enjoy life. As soon I decided to become a guardian, I learned that I had to stay true to my journey no matter how difficult it became. No matter who we lost along the way. I have to be cautious with my sentiments, you see. I have to say goodbye so often."

At my urging and confusion, Lulu explained to me the strange cycle of death that characterized her World, Spira. There was a monster named Sin that terrorized the people, and it was the job of a summoner to defeat the monster. Lulu's job, as a guardian, was to help the summoners make their journey to battle Sin. She had already been on two pilgrimages, but both summoners had died along the way. The even more terrible thing about Sin, it turned out, was that it would always be reborn, no matter how many times it was defeated. In Spira they fought for peace, even when that peace was temporary and fragile.

"I didn't want to trust you or get close to you because I thought you, like so many summoners and guardians I've seen before, were in over your head. I've learned to keep my distance from most people. It made me act cruelly towards you. And I'm sorry."

Reluctantly, my demeanor softened. "It's alright. I've been a little more sensitive than I should be. I've been overwhelmed with this feeling that I've got something to prove."

She bowed her dark head to me for a moment, then whipped her braids around her shoulder as she stood up and turned toward the door. "We should see to breakfast," she concluded simply, and I supposed that that was as much openness as I could really expect from Lulu. Steadily, I followed behind the footsteps muted by her long skirt. I was excited for breakfast. I felt hungry for the first time in a while, and skipping in Lulu's shadow, I felt a burden lifted.

-o-o-o-o-

The next night, the calm of my deep sleep was shattered by a blood-curdling scream.

I woke up with a racing heart. I shot up from the bed, dry-mouthed and panting, frantic and confused. I knew that voice. Across the room, Lulu had also awakened. She quickly lit the lantern at her bedside, and her wide eyes met mine in the flickering light.

Simultaneously, we bolted from the room. Lulu's lantern illuminated our path down the dark and musty hallway, to Riku's quarters. He screamed again, and we opened the door, braced for the worst.

But it was only Riku, covered in a cold sweat, staring back at us from his tousled sheets.

"Another nightmare?" I breathed, lowering my defensive stance. I felt both a wave of relief and a tinge of guilt; I was glad that there was no real danger, but I knew Riku didn't like to feel vulnerable.

My old friend nodded, still heaving terrified breaths.

"Some water," Lulu said decisively. She reached for the pitcher on his bedside table and slipped back out the door, heading towards the water pump.

Cautiously, I took a seat on the empty bed across from Riku's, the bed that had been Sora's when we trained together. It sort of smelled like him.

"Sorry for waking you," Riku said quietly, after a moment.

"You couldn't exactly help it," I answered with a gentle grin. "Was it about Maleficent?"

A defeated and familiar haze passed over his sky-colored eyes, and I knew from all those mornings I'd seen him on Destiny Islands that the answer was yes. "She was certainly there, I suppose. She always is. But that's not the part that makes it a nightmare; the nightmare is me, following her blindly like a fool. Hurting people that I cared about."

Lulu crept back through the door with a full pitcher and poured it into a cup that she handed to Riku. He gulped it greedily and put down the glass with an appreciative sigh. "Thanks, Lu," he muttered with a softness that gave me pause. It reminded me of when he first started calling me "Kiki." A tiny gesture of intimacy from someone who was so often guarded.

I saw their eyes meet, for just a single revealing moment, before Lulu looked away and sat beside me on the other bed.

I watched his eyes fall, and my heart ached for him. "You can't let the guilt crush you forever, you know."

He nodded. "I know. The nightmares haven't faded yet, but I've really come to a better place with it. I was in a terrible place when the Door opened and I gave in to Darkness. It seems so stupid now, so petty, being jealous of Sora. Over what? Girls and foot races? It's funny how fast and easily the things you care about when you're a little kid just disappear."

He paused to take another gulp of water from the glass that Lulu had wordlessly refilled, then continued. He wasn't looking at either of us while he spoke; he moved his hands around and stared into nothing, like he was talking to himself more than anyone else.

"I'm tired of replaying it all in my mind, trying to figure out: was it the Darkness that made me turn against Sora, or was it me? But it's futile. Whatever the circumstances, I made the wrong choice. I have to live with the nightmares. I have to accept even my biggest mistakes and my darkest qualities if I'm ever really going to move on. And sometimes I even think, I'm grateful for everything that happened. I'm glad I was able to see my worst self so early in life. It gives me a chance to truly see the man I actually want to be. How can you ever recognize the Light if you've never truly seen the Darkness?"

I looked at him with wide eyes, fascinated by how easily he used the word "man." He sounded like an actual grown up. The boy who built rafts and betrayed his best friend was a fading apparition.

I marinated in his confession. His penetrating words and the fragile honesty of that moment surfaced something within me. "I think about the Darkness a lot," I admitted plainly. "The magic I used to bring us here, sometimes I wonder… it reminds me so much of what it's like in that place. In… Darkness."

"We are all sinners," Lulu said pensively. "We all have Darkness. It is the choices we make in spite of that that makes us what we really are."

Riku watched her, drinking her in it seemed, as he nodded in agreement.

"What do you think is next for us?" I asked to break the silence.

"I think it's okay that we don't know," Lulu offered wisely. "I've played the 'hurry' game on more than one of my quests, and I haven't found that moving faster makes for a better ending."

"You won't hear me argue," Riku supplied with a tinge of anger. "It's hard to see where this whole thing was meant to go from the start." There was a sudden reveal of terror in his eyes. "Back in Mesoamerica, I… I was trying to maintain a strong face for the team. But when I thought we were stranded, when I thought Mulan was dying… My thoughts went to a darker place. I thought, what if this whole mission is just a distraction? What if the King is keeping his best soldiers occupied because he knows this war is going to be a slaughter?" I watched Lulu's eyes widen as Riku spoke, as if she was seeing him for the first time. I could only hold my breath. What he suggested was too mortifying to contemplate.

"All wars are slaughter," said Lulu. "Journeys end as they are meant to. As a guardian you have to learn to humble yourself before the larger task that is given to you, to follow destiny where it may lead."

The word destiny gave me a slight shiver. It reminded me of Naminé and Axel and that moment that seemed to change the course of everything. Where was Axel, anyway? His usual chattiness and mirth had been conspicuously absent from our evening meal earlier that night. I shifted uncomfortably as I realized how badly I wanted to see his face.

I stood and stretched my legs, feigning a yawn before placing my hand on Riku's shoulder. "Are you alright?" I asked. "I think I'll head back to bed now." Maybe taking the long way, I thought. Just in case Axel was out and about and looking for company. Not that I was going to go looking for him.

Riku nodded, and Lulu said softly, "I can stay awhile, if you like."

I watched the careful control Riku had over his face, trying to conceal how pleased he was at the prospect of some quiet moments alone with her. "Sure," he said, his voice low.

I tried to remove myself from the room as delicately as possible, a mixture of stunned and amused at the brewing energy between the two of them. Maybe it was nothing. Maybe I was imagining things. Who could have the space in their head, after all, for something like attraction when we were surrounded with so much chaos and uncertainty?

Then again, maybe that was exactly what the heart wanted in times like these.

-o-o-o-o-

Four days passed with a comforting quiet. Mulan healed, we ate, I slept. We had only just become relaxed enough to grow restless when at last, we had contact with the other half of our outfit.

It was past nightfall. We'd finished dinner but had built up the fire and sat around it, enjoying the quiet evening. Mulan was teaching Aladdin xiangqi, Chinese chess. Launchpad was thoughtfully greasing and tinkering with some engine parts. Riku and Lulu talked softly together. I sat alone, alternating my gaze between the crackling flames and simply watching the others. Axel had not shown up for dinner again and was nowhere to be seen. He'd been keeping a low profile ever since we'd returned from the New World.

The stillness of the night was broken by the strange and sudden sound of wings flapping. As the sound got nearer and louder, we looked to the sky and realized that it was Goliath soaring overhead. I felt my heart leap at the sight of his monstrous silhouette. His glide spiraled as he moved nearer to the ground, until his clawed feet hit the earth with a thud and a spray of dust.

"My friends," he growled, gazing at each of us in turn. "It is good to know that you are well."

Unbidden, I ran to him, throwing my arms around him and burying my face in his cold chest. It was like I'd known him for years, not weeks, and that he'd been gone for months, not days. "What happened? Where are the others?" I asked.

"The others are safe," he explained, beginning with the most pertinent detail first. "They are waiting at Radiant Garden Castle. Getting here was a dangerous journey that I risked myself. Maleficent's fleet has grown tremendously in the last several weeks. Travel by gummi ship has become virtually impossible. To be honest," he gazed down at me for a moment, with a small smile. "We were very worried about what had become of you. When we couldn't contact you through the gummi ship's comm system... we feared the worst."

It struck me for the first time how worried Sora must have been for me. A week had passed without any contact, and the last time we'd seen each other we'd been in the middle of a war zone. He and the others had feared the worst, but for some reason this was the first time I'd really wondered what had happened to him. I felt an enormous lump of guilt in my stomach.

"Mulan was injured," Riku explained. "The ship was inoperable and we had to abandon it to seek out assistance."

At those words Goliath cocked an eyebrow, and he and Riku launched a conversation about how Axel and I were able to manipulate portals. Goliath's eyes lit up as he took in this information, and I felt myself blush by the way he looked at me.

"This newfound ability of yours could save our mission, Kairi," Goliath said urgently to me. "We believe that Demona has joined forces and handed over the Grimorum to Maleficent, and it is with the book's power that she is multiplying Heartless at an even more alarming rate. We've received intel that Wonderland, Pride Rock, and Halloweentown have all been completely taken over by Maleficent's forces. We must regroup and develop a plan to cut off her supply chain right at the source."

Simba raised his head and let out a somber growl. "Pride Rock?" he asked. "Were there any survivors?"

Goliath dropped his head. "I'm afraid not," he answered softly.

I felt my heart tremble as I watched Simba's fallen face. I reached for him, but he very quickly galloped away into the dark corners of the Coliseum. A few minutes later, we heard an anguished roar in the distance.

"He will need time to mourn," Goliath said at last. "But we must rally and rejoin the others as soon as possible."

"Tonight?" I asked with a tone of surprise that even I wasn't expecting. "Right now?"

Goliath nodded. "The sooner the better. At sunrise I will be of far less use to you."

It felt uncomfortably sudden. We had only just had a sense of reprieve and rest. I wasn't ready for that feeling to end just yet. But, I supposed, that was war. There could be no rest until Maleficent was destroyed.

"I'll go get Simba," I offered. "Someone will need to find Axel." Lulu nodded in acceptance of the task and took off looking, followed by Riku.

I moved in the direction Simba had left, exiting the arena into the coliseum lobby. I stood squinting in total darkness for a moment until I remembered that helpful little tool called magic. With a flourish and a single whispered word, I had filled each of the golden oil basins with roaring fires. I bit my lip and smiled slightly. It was all coming so much easier to me now. The control, the precision.

I could see Simba in the far corner, curled up as he rested on the ground, his eyes looking skyward. Wordlessly, I dropped to the ground and sat beside him. Cross-legged, I leaned back and pressed my weight against him, staring at the sky.

"My father used to say that the stars were kings of the past, looking down at us," Simba said, still looking at the sky and not at me.

I ran my fingers through his mane, watching his sad eyes. "I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am," I said quietly. I tried to imagine, just for a moment, if everything I'd ever known had been taken away from me in one sudden moment. It was impossible to feel whatever Simba was feeling. The pain was too big to imagine.

"Don't," said Simba. "Don't be sorry. If I think too much about it, I won't be able to keep going. I have to believe there's still a reason to keep fighting. Even when… even when they're all gone."

Gently, he nudged me off of him as he stood determinedly on all fours. He roared again into the starry night, so loudly it hurt my ears, and then he bowed his head to me. "Let's go," he said, and so we returned to the others. Our time of rest and Simba's time of grieving were brought to an abrupt end.