Alyssa

Alyssa tumbled out of the chair, gasping for air, and swinging wildly at shadows. Nothing was attacking her. No arrows. No Crow assassins. No lords. Only the crackling hearth fire and a soft wind fluttering the curtains greeted her as her mind cleared from her dream state.

She heard Zevran say, "Cara, are you alright?" He was trying to sit up but was still having trouble.

"Don't," Alyssa rushed to help him. "You'll open up the wound again. It took hours to seal it." She hooked her arms under his and lifted gently, shifting his weight onto her shoulders to fluff up his pillows. He lowered himself back down, wincing when he moved too much. "Are you hungry? Do you need water?" She pulled at the covers, tucking them under his chin.

"Stop. Cara, stop fussing," Zevran held her hands and pulled her close.

"I thought I'd lost you." Alyssa touched her brow to his. "The gash in your side was bad enough, but I didn't know what poison you used, and it took so long to figure it out."

"Lanthrax."

Alyssa leaned back to look at him. "Don't remind me. I almost fainted when I looked it up, and I'm not the squeamish type." She shook her head. "How did you even get your hands on that? It's illegal in 3 countries."

"Not in Antiva," he winked.

She narrowed her eyes, "No, you don't get to be cute yet. I'm still annoyed with you."

Zevran slipped his arms around her, "Shall I try to convince you otherwise?"

He tugged her forward, but Alyssa pushed back. "We need to talk." She watched as he sagged back into the bedding, the light in his eyes dulling, but he didn't protest or deflect. "What happened when Taliesen caught you? I've never seen you lose control like that."

He sighed, letting his breath out slowly and coughing a bit at the end of it. Alyssa guessed that his chest was still tight and trying to heal on its own. Six broken ribs would do that, not to mention the enormous blood loss. After a moment, Zevran said, "I suppose it is time. You have been a good friend to me and more. There is no reason to be silent." He couldn't meet her eyes, but he kept his word and started telling her his story.

"There is a reason I accepted this mission in Fereldan, far away from home. It had nothing to do with any thought that I would leave the crows. Meeting you, after all, was quite an accident." He paused to catch his breath. "My last mission before this one did not end well. The mission itself was quite successful. I mean, it did not end well for me."

Another pause, this one much longer. Alyssa decided to check his lungs as a precaution. Several days on his back put him at risk of pneumonia from fluid build-up. She placed one hand on his back and the other on his chest, driving her magic to vibrate between her hands. The energy passed through clean from one side to the other, reassuring her that his lungs were clear, only weakened, but not in danger.

Getting his breath back, Zevran said, "You must realize that until that day, I was cocky and arrogant. I was the best crow in Antiva, I believed, and I bragged of my conquests often. Both as an assassin and lover."

Alyssa smiled, "That must have been impressive."

Zevran grimaced, "Hah, indeed…" He closed his eyes before continuing. "I was often told I was insufferable, right before I ended up in bed with someone. Such is how it was. One of the crow masters grew tired of my boasting. My bid for an incredibly difficult mark was accepted, much to my surprise. A wealthy merchant with many guards. Taliesen volunteered to be part of my team as well as an elven lass named Rinna." Zevran's jaw tightened, and he turned his face from Alyssa. It seemed that looking directly at each other was too much, too heavy, and his injuries were weighing him down enough. She waited, making sure not to interrupt, afraid that he might retreat again. He always deflected when she got too close to him. Night air mixed with the glow from the fire. Light and crisp playing against dense and warm, almost reflecting their moods.

"If this is too hard…"

"No," he said. "No, it is best that you hear this from me." One of the fire logs popped and fell aside in the hearth. Servants could be heard bustling about on the other side of the door. Alyssa let these sounds wash over her as she waited for Zevran to continue.

"She was a marvel. Tough, smooth, wicked, eyes that gleamed like justice. Everything I thought I desired. Rinna was special." He scoffed with a smirk, "I had closed off my heart, I thought, but she touched something within me. It frightened me. Taliesen had revealed to me that Rinna had accepted a bribe from the merchant and told him of our plan. Believing him, I readily agreed that she had to pay the price. Rinna begged me not to." He clenched his fists. "On her knees with tears in her eyes, she told me that she loved me and had not betrayed us. I laughed in her face and said, even if it were true, I didn't care." As he spoke, Zevran curled further and further into himself, bringing his knees as close to his chest as he could and lowering his head.

Alyssa rubbed his back, "That obviously wasn't true."

"I convinced myself that it was…."

She noticed that his hair was loose. Greasy and tangled. Making a note to help him get cleaned up, Alyssa started braiding it in the fashion he usually kept it. Two small side braids tied into a longer one down the back. She was most of the way through when Zevran spoke again.

"In truth, it wasn't I that actually killed her. Taliesen had done this, but it may as well have been my hand."

Alyssa said, "This was what the Guardian was talking about at the Temple of Sacred Ashes.'

He nodded. "When Taliesen and I finally assassinated the merchant, we found the true source of his information. Or, at least, what I believed to be the truth." He closed his eyes and swallowed hard, tensing his jaw. "Rinna had not betrayed us after all. I wanted to tell the crows what we had done, our mistake. Taliesen convinced me not to."

"Because that fucking bastard was the source," Alyssa growled. Her fire flashed for a moment before vanishing. She shook with anger that threatened to ignite again, but the man was dead, and there was no one for her to punish. Alyssa rubbed her face. "I can't believe someone would do that."

Zevran didn't respond or look over at her. All that was offered was an apathetic shrug. "Even so, I reported that Rinna had died in the attempt. The master that disliked me said the Crows knew, and they didn't care. He said one day, my turn would come."

Alyssa kissed his brow, lingering her forehead against his, "I cannot even imagine how you felt."

"I felt empty." He kept his eyes on the blanket, actively avoiding looking at her face. "I felt as if I was nothing. As if she had been nothing."

His words hung between them, only the sound of the fire crackling merrily and the night birds outside the window starting to sing as dusk fell. A tightness gripped Alyssa's chest as she watched him. Head hung, arms close to his body, but no tears. She assumed he was beyond them, so lost in his grief finally voiced. Now it was her turn to be brave. No more running. Alyssa took a deep breath before she said, "You are everything to me. For what it's worth…" Suddenly unsure of herself, she pulled away.

The bed creaked under his weight as he moved to her. He turned her chin gently towards him. "You once asked me why I wanted to leave the crows. In truth, what I wanted was to die." He smiled broadly, "What better way than to throw myself at one of the fabled Grey Wardens." The smile faded, "And then this happened, and here I am. It feels good to speak of it to someone. I swore I never would. Whatever it is I sought by leaving Antiva, I think I have found it."

"Your freedom?"

"My Warden."

"Zevran," she hesitated and took a deep breath. "I lo—"

The door burst open, and Arl Eamon swept into the room in a fit. "Alyssa, you have to talk sense into Alistair! The landsmeet is in mere hours, and now I hear that he's backing Anora to keep the throne. This is simply unacceptable."

She hadn't looked away from Zevran during Eamon's outburst, so he was treated to the parade of expressions that ranged from surprise to anger and finally exasperation. With a burdened sigh, Alyssa closed her eyes and responded. "Holy Andraste, give me the strength to resist burning this keep to the ground and the wisdom to remember to lock the damn door."

Zevran started laughing. It was slow at first but built up quickly. With tears forming at the corner of his eyes, he said, "Mi Corazon, I too have had my fair share of trouble with locks."