Author's Note: As usual thank you to all my reviewers and those who followed or favorited this story after Chapter 36. It amazes me that after four and a half years and thirty six chapters, this story is still getting new readers and followers. Of course it also amazes me that I've been writing this story for four and a half years; while I knew what I wanted to do with this from the beginning and that this wasn't going to be some quick, short story, I certainly did not understand what I was undertaking back when I first started this.
I do need to as always apologize for how long it's taken me to get this chapter up. I know this is what many of you have been waiting for since the beginning. Given how Chapter 36 ended, I don't think my saying that is a spoiler. I think you guys know the drill by now...there isn't enough time in the day and this winds up falling to the wayside. Plus, I never intend for my chapters to be as long as they are. Anyways, I hope that this is worth the way.
Now onto the chapter. I hope you enjoy it and when you get to the end, please let me know what you think.
Stay safe everyone
Chapter Thirty Seven
Everything was dark. That was the first thing Gabby realized. She was floating in darkness. Eventually, she felt something against her backside. It was generally soft, but something was kind of sharp and hard and poking her in places too. At first, she couldn't tell if she was standing against it or lying on top of it, just that it was flush against not just her back of her head and legs as well. In time though, she realized she was laying down. The next thing she noticed was a faint, steady beeping in the distance that slowly got louder until it sounded like it was coming from right next to her. She couldn't see the source though. There was still only darkness.
As she became more aware, Gabby could feel something warm against her chest and arm, but she couldn't tell what it was. Then she felt something against her hand, quickly realizing that someone was holding it. She wasn't sure why, but that knowledge gave her a sense of comfort.
Finally, the darkness began to fade and was replaced by light. Everything was foggy at first and a sense of fear set in, but when she remembered the hand holding hers, she couldn't help feeling calm. When her vision was clear, she took in her surroundings. The soft yet uncomfortable surface against her backside was a bed; she assumed the mattress wasn't all that thick and that it was the coils that were poking her. The beeping was coming from a monitor next to the bed. She didn't know what had happened or how she'd wound up here, but it quickly became clear that she was in a hospital, she was a patient in a hospital.
Her eyes settled though on the figure in the chair next to the bed, the one who was holding her hand. Matt. He didn't look comfortable or peaceful as he slept in the chair, his head hanging off to the side at an awkward angle. Not sure if she should wake him or let him sleep, she took a few moments to look him over. Even as he slept, he looked exhausted, bags clearly visible under his eyes, and she couldn't help thinking that she should let him sleep. It was obvious he needed the rest. Her eyes wandered down from his face, and she noticed that his shirt hung unusually loose, like he'd lost weight. That didn't make sense though. They might not be together anymore, but she was sure it was still something she would have noticed. She saw him regularly at work, his uniform looking like it always had as it rested against his body. Maybe it was just the shirt he was wearing. Then again his face was scruffy, like he needed to shave, and she was sure that hadn't been the case last time she saw him. He would never show up to shift that way. He couldn't. His appearance was odd. Everything was just bizarre really.
She wasn't sure how long she spent taking him in, but at some point, she realized that no one else seemed to be coming. If she wanted to know what was going on, she was going to have to wake him. So as much as she didn't want to disturb him, her need for answers got the better of her.
"Matt," she tried to say his name, but nothing came out. She tried to speak a few more times to no avail. Where was her voice? She couldn't help silently freaking out a little inside as she tried to talk only to produce silence. She needed someone to tell her what was going on, and why she couldn't speak. Was she sick? Could something have damaged her vocal cords? She didn't remember anything that could help answer those questions. All she knew was that there was probably a connection between her inability to speak and the fact that she was lying in a hospital bed.
Fortunately, since Matt had fallen asleep holding her hand, she had another way to try to get his attention. She gave his hand a tight squeeze or at least it was intended to be. She was surprised to find that she felt weak. Not one to give up, she focused everything she had on squeezing Matt's hand and getting his attention. On her fourth attempt, he began to stir. It looked like he was fighting it though, trying to stay asleep. Given how tired he looked, she couldn't blame him, and it made her feel even worse about her desire to wake him. Still, the other option was to continue lying here, scared, helpless, and confused, until either he woke up on his own or someone else came into the room. She had no idea how long either of those would take, which meant waiting wasn't really an option. So she kept squeezing his hand until he woke with a start, shooting up in the chair he'd fallen asleep in before his eyes settled on her.
"Gabby," there wasn't a hint of tiredness in his voice as he said her name. Instead it was mixed with surprise and elation.
"Matt," this time when she tried to say his name at least a little sound came out. Matt seemed to hear it too as a huge smile formed on his face.
"Gabby. Oh Gabby. Thank God," Matt said, and then suddenly he was kissing her.
Instinctively, she kissed him back. Even though they'd broken up, she didn't know how to react any other way. Her head was telling her this needed to stop, that the longer this went on the more confusing things between them would be, the harder it would be to remind herself that they couldn't be together no matter how much she loved him. But moving her lips with Matt's was the most natural thing in the world, and it didn't take long for her notice that Matt's kisses were desperate in a way they had never been before. If she hadn't felt something wet hit her cheek, maybe she could chalk it up to the fact that they hadn't kissed in two months. She did feel something wet hit her cheek though over and over again. Tears. Matt was crying and kissing her desperately. That wasn't normal, and given where she was, it enough to alarm her. Yet it also made her want to hold onto him for his sake and for her own. It was enough to quite the voice in her head.
When Matt finally pulled away, her instincts screamed at her to pull him back. Before she could react though, he started to get out of his chair, and a feeling of hurt settled into her chest. Why would he kiss her like that and then leave? The only explanation she could come up with was the seconds between when he stopped kissing her and got up, were enough for him to remember that they weren't together and that overrode whatever was making him kiss her like that. And suddenly, the wall that she'd put between them when she left was back up. She couldn't kiss him. She needed to put her feelings for him away. They were barely even friends these days let alone a couple. He was her boss and the person who she'd found in this room with her, maybe someone who had answers. That was all he could be. Although she couldn't help wanting to start by asking why he had kissed her.
Only Matt didn't leave the room. Yes, he left his chair, but instead of walking towards the door, he took a seat at the edge of her bed, facing her with his back against the siderail. The way it was pressing into him couldn't have been very comfortable, but Matt either didn't notice or didn't care. It was something else that she found odd, but before she could ask any questions, Matt spoke.
"God Gabby. You have no idea how good it is to see you awake," Matt's words didn't make any sense, but she quickly pushed that aside as he continued. "I love you Gabby. I love you so much."
The weight of his words hit her. It wasn't that Matt loving her was a surprise. Far from it. It's just she didn't understand the point of him saying it. They couldn't be together. She thought they'd both understood that. Sure, things had gotten personal and intimate with the baby at the firehouse, but she meant it when she told him that nothing had changed. As far as she knew they were on the same page. Yet he was looking at her almost expectedly, like he was hoping she would say it back, and she had no idea how to respond.
Obviously, something had happened to her. She didn't know what it was, but something had put her in the hospital. She wouldn't be lying here if that wasn't the case. Maybe it had changed something for Matt. It must have or he wouldn't be looking at her like that or acting this way or saying these things. That didn't mean it would last. He had to know that once she got out of here things would go back to the way they were. As long as she was his candidate there was no other option. Whatever had happened to her had just brought his feelings for her to the fore, caused them to temporarily override every other consideration. If that was the case, then maybe all she needed to do was reassure him that she was fine.
"Matt, it's not –" she started as she tried to sit up only to find that it was something else she couldn't do. Another round of fear and panic set in as she grimaced and tried to force her upper body upright only to fail.
"Hey. Hey. Hey. It's okay. Everything's okay," Matt must have sensed her panic. His tone was soothing as he squeezed her hand and put his free hand on her shoulder in a clear attempt to comfort her. "Don't press. Just relax."
"Matt, I can't sit up," her voice was shaky as she spoke. Although this time is was at least relatively audible.
"Don't worry," Matt cut her off before leaning down and placing a kiss on her forehead. "I'm here, and you're okay. I promise. There's nothing to worry about. You trust me, don't you?"
"Of course," she replied. "It's just something feels wrong. I can barely move."
"Nothing's wrong. You have no idea how amazing this is Gabby," he smiled as he spoke, his eyes watering with tears again. "You can't push yourself though. I know you want to, but you can't. Just trust me when I say that there's nothing to worry about and everything is going to be okay."
Gabby nodded as she processed what he said. It didn't really answer any of her questions, but his words were still reassuring. She tried to relax. She couldn't fully though. No matter how much comfort she took in what Matt said, she was still scared. Why wouldn't he just tell her what was going on?
"What happened? How'd I get here?" she finally asked.
"Sorry," Matt said a little sheepishly. "I guess I got so caught up in everything that I wasn't thinking," his voice trailed off like he was trying to figure out what to say.
"Matt, whatever it is, I can handle it," Gabby insisted when the silence lasted too long for her liking. "You said I'm okay so it can't be worse than lying here, confused and barely able to move."
"You're right," Matt said. "You were in a car accident. You were pretty badly hurt, but the important this is you're awake and you're going to be fine."
Gabby still got the sense that he was holding something back. There was something he didn't want to tell her so while he'd explained how she'd ended up here, she was still nervous. She was struggling to move. Did that mean she was paralyzed? Would Matt have really said she was going to be fine if she was? You could live a full life from a wheelchair. She knew that. But she was a firefighter. She wouldn't be able to do her job. Not just that, but everything about her life would have to change.
"Why can't I move?" she needed to know.
"Your body took quite a beating in the accident. I'm sure it's just going to take time for you to get back on your feet," he reassured her, but she couldn't help still sensing that there was something he wasn't saying.
"So I'm not paralyzed?" she wanted clarification.
"No. At least not as far as I know," Matt admitted.
So if that wasn't what he was hiding, then what was it? Something about the accident? She racked her brain trying to remember what had happened, but she came up empty. She couldn't remember the moment. She wasn't even in a vehicle during her last memory.
"What about the baby? Is she okay?" Gabby asked.
"Baby?" Matt furrowed his brows. "What baby?"
"The little girl I found outside 51," Gabby explained. "Was she with me? I was going with her to the hospital."
"I'd forgotten all about that," Matt admitted as he briefly removed his hand from her shoulder and rubbed his forehead. "Gabby, what's the last thing you remember?"
"So you don't know if she's okay?" Gabby couldn't help worrying about the infant. After everything the girl had been through, getting into an accident couldn't have helped. At least once they'd gotten her warmed up, she had been doing alright. "What about the paramedics?"
"Everyone's fine. Can you just tell me what's the last thing you remember?" Matt asked again, his insistence making her nervous once again.
"The ambo that was going to take the baby to Med had just pulled up. We spoke on the apparatus floor about everything that had happened, about us. You had said I could go with the baby to the hospital. I was on my way out to the ambo, and then nothing," Gabby explained. "The ambo must have crashed on the way to Med or something, right?"
"No Gabby," Matt's tone was soothing as he spoke, like he was trying to keep her calm. "The ambo wasn't in the accident. You made it the hospital without any problem. I don't know what happened to the baby the though. The accident was after all that. You were in your car."
"How much time am I missing?" she couldn't help panicking. Matt kissing her and saying he loved her earlier. Maybe she was wrong to chalk that up to a reaction to what had happened to her. What if she was missing weeks or months, time where they had found their way back to each other? That would explain his actions too. She just wasn't sure how she felt about the possibility.
"Not much. Hours. Less than a day," Matt reassured her. "As I said before you're okay. There's nothing to worry about. I should probably get a doctor though."
"If I'm fine, then why do you need to get a doctor?" Gabby questioned. Despite Matt's reassurances, she couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong.
"To let them know you're awake," he explained, without giving much away, before leaning over to press the call button on the side of her hospital bed.
They sat in silence for a few moments, Matt continuing to smile at her with this huge grin, until the door opened and a woman in scrubs came in.
"Matt, what can I do for you?" the woman asked, startling Gabby. She was not expecting a hospital worker she'd never seen before to be on a first name basis with Matt. And why was the woman addressing Matt and not herself? She was the patient. Matt was the visitor.
"Hi Shauna," Matt seemed to know the woman's name too. "It's not me. It's Gabby," he got up allowing Gabby and the nurse to get their first good look at each other since the woman had come into the room. "She's awake," the grin on his face seemed to grow even bigger as he spoke.
"Well, it's good to see you up and get to meet you Gabby. I'm Shauna, one of the night nurses on the medical ward here at Lakeshore Hospital," the woman introduced herself.
"Hi. I'm Gabby. Guess you knew that though," she awkwardly introduced herself, not really sure what to say to the nurse.
"I did, but it's okay. I'm sure you're a little disoriented and confused right now," Shauna smiled at her.
"Yeah," Gabby's voice trailed off as she tried to gather her thoughts. "I wasn't expecting to wake up in the hospital. Well, I don't really know what I was expecting. Just that it wasn't this. Matt said I was in a car accident, but I don't remember."
"That's not surprising," Shauna reassured her. "It's actually pretty common, but I'm sure you know that."
"You are?" Gabby questioned.
"I was told you're a paramedic," Shauna explained.
"Used to be. Still have all my certifications and everything, but I'm a firefighter now," Gabby's face lit up as she spoke. As much as she had loved being a paramedic, being a firefighter just made her really happy.
"I'd love to hear all about it sometime, but first I have some questions for you," Shauna turned her attention to her job. "You said Matt told you that you were in a car accident. Did he tell you anything else?"
"Just that I had been badly hurt, but that I was okay and didn't need to worry," Gabby answered.
"I figured everything else should come from you or the doctors or something," Matt explained.
The little bit of banter with the nurse had made Gabby relax, figuring that if something was seriously wrong, they wouldn't have had any light conversation. Now though Matt's words reminded her of her earlier unease and sense that he was keeping something from her.
"I figured you guys would have a better idea of what to say and everything. I don't really know the medical stuff," Matt added although she didn't find it very comforting.
"That's fine," Shauna said as the nurse turned to face Matt. "I will need some time with Gabby to examine her and talk to her though. Would you mind stepping out for a bit?"
"You want me to leave?" Matt's voice sounded unsure, and Gabby felt his grip on her hand tighten. She could tell leaving wasn't something he had any desire to do.
"I'm sorry. I know how hard it is for you to have to leave her, but I can't do what I need to do, what Gabby needs me to do, with you there," Shauna insisted.
Listening to the exchange, Gabby's feeling of unease only grew. Why would it be hard for Matt to leave her? Okay, he loved her, and deep down she knew that was probably the only explanation needed. But still for that to make him not want to leave her hospital room seemed unwarranted. Between that and his earlier declaration of love and kisses, she couldn't help but worry that something was very wrong. More than that though she was confused because why would the nurse know it was hard for him? How could someone who didn't know them have pieced that together?
"What if I went and stood in a corner or sat on my cot? That way I could still be in the room with her but wouldn't be in you way," Matt tried to argue.
Cot though? What on earth was he talking about? She wanted to ask but couldn't form the words before Shauna spoke up.
"I'm sorry, but it's best if I do this in private," Shauna rejected his offer. "You can wait right outside, and I'll let you back in as soon as I'm done."
"But –" Matt started to protest.
"No buts," Shauna insisted.
"What about a doctor? Shouldn't a doctor be checking her out?" Matt asked. If Gabby had to guess, she would have said it was both a delaying tactic and a serious question. At this point, it was clear that he didn't want to leave and that despite what Matt had said earlier things weren't fine, which meant he probably had reason to be worried.
"While I'm examining her, you can stop by the desk. Let them know that Gabby's awake and they should page Dr. Sanders. I'll let the resident on call know that she's awake when I'm done here, and he might want to examine her as well. We know Gabby's physical condition though. That won't have changed, and everything else, well…" Shauna's voice trailed off. Well, it was more like she cut herself off. "She'll get all the attention she needs Matt. You don't have to worry about that. Now get out of here so I can make sure she's taken care of."
"Alright," Matt sighed, reluctance evidence in his voice. A small smile formed on his face though when he turned his attention back to Gabby. "I love you, and I'll be back as soon as they let me."
With that Matt leaned down and kissed her again. This time his kiss was more chaste. It didn't have the longing and desperation of his earlier kisses, but there was still a need there. Just as Gabby was starting to react, Matt pulled away, resting his forehead against hers.
"I love you so much Gabby," he said quietly before slowly getting up and heading out of the room. When he reached the door, he turned around and gave her a smile. "I'll be right outside," he added before backing out of the room and closing the door behind him.
"What isn't Matt telling me?" Gabby asked Shauna as the nurse took a seat in the chair Matt had been in when she first woke up. "Am I really okay or was Matt just saying that to keep me calm?" It's not that she thought Matt would lie. She didn't seem to be dying or anything so in that sense she was indeed okay, but she couldn't help but think that her situation was far worse than Matt had let on. He had practically said as much when he'd told the nurse that he was letting the hospital staff tell her what was going on.
"Given the circumstances you are definitely okay. In fact, you're very lucky. I'm not going to lie. The car accident you were in was extremely serious, and to say you were badly hurt would be an understatement. You have a long road ahead of you, and it's not going to be easy. But you're alive, and there's nothing life-threatening about your situation anymore. You've made it this far, and if you can do that, then there's no reason to think you can't get through what's ahead so while I'm a nurse, not a doctor, I think it's safe to say that you are okay and that you will be just fine," Shauna replied. "Before I get into what happened to you though, can you tell me how you've been feeling, anything you've noticed, since you woke up? That'll give me an idea of where to start."
"I was confused at first. It was like it took a while for all my senses to kick in and for me to figure out where I was and that I was lying down. Even then I had no idea why I was in the hospital or why Matt would have been sleeping in the chair next to my bed. As I said before I didn't remember being in a car accident or anything. Actually, I'm not sure I even knew what the last thing I remembered was at first. Don't get me wrong. It's not like I wasn't sure what I remembered. I knew who I was and who Matt was. I knew our history and all that. I just didn't really think about specific events or what the last thing I remembered was until Matt started asking me. I think I worried him when I didn't remember the accident. He says I'm missing several hours," Gabby explained.
"The confusion and disorientation, the short-term memory loss, it's all to be expected given what you've been though," Shauna spoke. "I'm not sure what time your last memory occurred, but the accident was in the middle of the night from the I understand."
"Early afternoon. Maybe mid-afternoon. I wasn't really checking the clock so if the accident was that night I guess I'm missing half a day," Gabby surmised. Although she really had no idea if it was, just that Matt had told her that there wasn't a huge gap in her memory, and no matter what he'd been keeping from her, she knew he wasn't lying about that. He would never do that to her.
"What about physically?" Shauna prompted. "You've told me how you were doing mentally once you woke up but not physically."
"I'm not in pain or anything if that's what you're worried about. Well, it did hurt a little when I tried to move, but not when I first woke up. And as long as I just lay here and don't try doing anything, I'm fine," Gabby replied. "I feel weak though. I tried sitting up earlier, and I couldn't. When I had to squeeze Matt's hand to get his attention, that was a struggle too. And when I tried talking at first, I could barely get any sound out. My voice seems to be coming back. Although I guess I do still sound a little horse if I'm being honest."
"The weakness is to be expected. Your body's been through a lot, and it's going to take for it to reacclimate to how you're using it. The thing is, and there's no easy way to say this so I'm just going to come out and say it. I just want you to try to stay calm and understand that everything is fine," Shauna stated.
While her early words made sense, her later words had the opposite of their intended effect, and Gabby had to remind herself that even though the nurse practically said that what had happened to her had been really bad, she had also said that Matt was right when he said that she was okay. She was still alive. There was nothing to be afraid of. Still, from the way Shauna was speaking, Gabby knew that she wasn't going to like what the nurse had to say. She wished Matt had been allowed to stay. She didn't want to hear this alone, and no matter how messed up things were between them, Matt had a way of making things better. Besides there had been something comforting about waking up with him here. She wanted that comfort now.
"It's not just that your muscles need to get used to being used in light of your injuries. They need to get used to being used at all. The car accident you were in that was a little over three and a half months ago. You've been in a coma for nearly four months," Shauna explained. "So your muscles –"
"Four months," Gabby cut the nurse off as her voice trembled. "I've lost four months." She wasn't sure which would have been worse, forgetting four months of her life or the not getting to live for four months of her life. Maybe in the end they were the same thing. Either way she'd lost those four months, and it wasn't easy to hear.
"You did, but your body needed that time to heal. If you had been awake, you'd have memories from that time, but they would likely be foggy and unpleasant. Comatose or conscious you would have spent a good part of those four months in this bed, and had you been conscious, you would have been in a lot of pain or often out of it due to all the painkillers you would have been on. Not having to experience that isn't a bad thing," Shauna tried to make Gabby feel better about her situation. "And I know it's hard to see any good in this situation but try to look at it this way. The number of visits you got from family and friends, its clear how much you mean to them. Your parents and brother, they were here every day. And Matt, that was something else. A situation like this can shine a light on just how much the people in your life care about you, and in your case, it's obvious they care a lot, especially your fiancé."
"My fian – " Gabby spoke in a quite voice. She was confused. She didn't have a fiancée. Not anymore. Yet the nurse seemed to think she did. Gabby wasn't sure why or who she was referring to. Shauna didn't hear her though as the woman kept talking, not giving her the chance to protest or get a question out.
"The man has barely left your side the entire time you've been here. I'm pretty sure he hasn't actually left this hospital since the day you were brought in. No matter what happened he never lost faith, never gave up on the idea that you would wake up. He was determined to be here when it happened, and I'm glad he was. To have someone who loves you like that, who would do that for you, you're very lucky to have him. You should know that. In a way I'm jealous. I'd like to think my husband loves me that much, but I have no way of knowing. You do."
Matt. He was the one here when she woke up. Shauna thought she and Matt were engaged. For a moment, Gabby couldn't help but wonder if she really had forgotten some of what had happened before the accident. If she and Matt had found their way back to each other, if they had rebuilt their life, and she couldn't remember it. But he had told her that she'd found the baby in the firehouse driveway and gone with the little girl to the hospital the same day she'd gotten hurt. The odds of that happening twice had to be pretty low so she probably wasn't forgetting anything. She and Matt probably weren't together let alone engaged. The nurse was just misinformed. Still, she couldn't deny that someone calling Matt her fiancé felt right.
"Gabby," the sound of Shauna's voice pulled her from her thoughts. While she hadn't spent enough time with the nurse to be certain, Gabby thought her tone had grown more urgent.
"What?" she questioned.
"I think I lost you there," Shauna replied. "You okay?"
"Sorry. I guess I got lost in my head. I'm fine though," Gabby apologized and tried to play it off. When Shauna looked at her skeptically though, she knew the nurse wasn't buying it. "Maybe not fine. Honestly, nothing about this is fine. Physically, I feel about the same as I did when you first started asking and when I…I guess woke up. It's just…it's a lot to process. I guess I'm a little overwhelmed."
"I get that. There's always an adjustment for long-term coma patients. You've handled it pretty well though," Shauna said. "Still I need you to try to focus right now. I'll tell you what though. I know you need time to digest things so why don't I leave things there for now. You can discuss the specifics of your injuries with your doctors in the morning. I don't want you to overload you with information."
"Okay," Gabby was hesitant. She wanted to know what exactly had happened to her. Otherwise, she was sure all these horrible scenarios might run rampant through her head; she couldn't tell much from how she was feeling, what was a temporary effect of how long she'd been unconscious vs. what was a result of the accident. But if she didn't have that conversation, then maybe Matt would be back sooner, and she needed him. She needed his presence. She needed to talk to him.
"Trust me. You're not the only long-term coma patient I've had," Shauna added. While Gabby knew it wasn't the nurse's intention, there was something startling about hearing herself referred to that way. "Dealing with everything a little at a time will be easier than trying to deal with it all at once. And if you process the accident and the coma first, you'll be in a better headspace to hear and understand everything else. The fact that you zoned out there earlier tells me that."
"Then can Matt come back now?" Gabby asked.
"In a bit. A doctor will give you an extensive exam later, but I do need to give you a look over now," Shauna explained.
Matt found walking out of Gabby's room easier this time. It still wasn't something he wanted to do let alone something he was enjoying. If it were up to him, he'd still be in that room glued to Gabby's side. He'd be there when Shauna told Gabby everything; he'd be there to support her in the moment not just afterwards. He just wanted to be with her, to hold her, to hear her voice and see her eyes, to tell her he loved her, that he didn't just want her back, he needed her to be complete. He never wanted to let her out of his sight again let alone his life. If he could, he would spend every moment with her for the rest of his life. So if it had been up to him, he'd still be in that room, still sitting on Gabby's bed, holding her hand if not Gabby herself, but he wanted what was best for her so he did what the nurse asked. He didn't want to be in the way.
Still, he didn't feel the same sharp pain in his heart that he'd felt every time he'd been forced to leave Gabby's side over the past several months. Maybe it was just the elation he felt at knowing that this nightmare was finally over. Gabby was awake. He'd been right to have faith. All the naysayers had been wrong. Things could finally move forward, and whatever came next, she'd get through it. Everything was going to be okay. There was absolutely no reason to doubt that now. Not that he'd ever really doubted it. Still, it was like a weight had been lifted. The worry, the uncertainty, the pain of seeing her lying there and knowing that she was comatose and there was nothing he could do about it, those were all gone.
Closing the door behind him, he couldn't help turning and glancing through the window. He knew he needed to keep his promise to the nurse and the her coworkers know that Gabby was awake, but he didn't see any harm in waiting a few minutes so that he could keep an eye on his love. She looked serious as she began to speak to the nurse. Through the window he could that she was thinking and processing everything, but that she was also worried despite doing her best to remain calm. He didn't want that for her. More than anything he wished that there was something he could do to make everything better for her.
There was no magical solution though, and he wasn't naïve enough to believe otherwise. He knew this wouldn't be easy, that waking up would be daunting for anyone in that situation, even someone as strong and amazing as Gabby. He hadn't expected the confusion though, at least not to the extent that it was there. The memory loss, the fact that she didn't remember the accident or the hours leading up to it had caught him off guard and undoubtedly contributed to her confusion. And despite Shauna's reassurance that it was normal, it still made him uneasy. How did they know that there wasn't more to it?
And he knew that leaving it to Shauna to tell Gabby the full extent of everything and that she'd spent months in a coma was a cop out. It should have come from him, from someone who knew her and loved her, someone she'd be able to lean on. But he hadn't known how to tell her. He hadn't been able bring himself to be the one who would devastate her with the news. He'd caused her enough pain already. And he felt guilty for losing her in the first place and for not being able to give her what she needed now. Sure, he could tell himself that the nurse probably had experience in these situations, that she had training in what to say, in how to gently deliver this news. It was just a way to justify his inability to say it himself though. He knew it, and thus, it didn't provide him with much comfort. If he were in Gabby's position, he would have wanted her love and support as he found out everything. He'd deprived her of that though when he chickened out, and now she was left hearing it from a stranger while she was alone.
It was too late to do anything about it now though. The way Gabby's demeanor just shifted, the way he'd watched her face suddenly fill with panic and alarm, left no doubt in his mind that Shauna had just told her how long she'd been out. Seeing her like this through the window broke his heart, and he just wanted to get back to her, to try to comfort her. Telling whoever was at the desk could wait. Better yet Shauna could do it or page everyone herself when she was done checking on Gabby. His place was at Gabby's side. He took a few steps back towards the door, was in the process of reaching for the handle when a voice stopped him.
"Matt, what are you doing out here?" Jackson, one of the orderlies on the ward, stopped and asked him, letting the cart he was pushing rest a few inches from Matt himself and blocking access to Gabby's door. He could still push the handle enough to get the door open but he doubted he could squeeze his way into the room until Jackson and the cart moved along.
"Shauna kicked me out for a few minutes, but I was about to go back in," Matt said simply as he eyed the cart, hoping Jackson would get the message.
"Everything okay?" Jackson asked instead. "You seem a little flustered, and well, there aren't a lot of reasons for a nurse to kick you out in the middle of the night. There's visiting hours, but you've been ignoring those for as long as I've known you, and well, if someone was finally trying to enforce them, you'd have been kicked off the ward. Then there's –"
"Shauna needed to examine Gabby and talk to her," Matt replied, hoping to speed things along.
"Talk to her, as in she's awake?" Jackson surmised. "I've been on my break, but I was just at the desk, and no one said anything. Normally, everyone would be talking about something like this," the man frowned and Matt worried that the man realized that he hadn't done what he was told. "Coma patients waking up is always pretty exciting."
"They don't know yet," Matt reluctantly admitted. "I used the call button to get Shauna, and she hasn't left the room since learning Gabby was awake so."
"So Shauna kicked you out and now you're trying to go back in while Shauna's still there checking on Gabby. Given the closed door, I doubt Shauna's given you the okay to come back in," damn Jackson was good. "So why don't we go let the desk know the good news."
"I need to get back in there. After everything, Gabby's gonna need me, and I need her," Matt tried to argue.
"And you can be there for her after Shauna's done what she needs to do," Jackson countered. "If she asked you to leave the room there was a reason for it. That's what Gabby needs right now."
"Shauna just told Gabby that she's been in a coma for months. Do you really think she should be alone right now or is she better off having someone who loves her at her side to help her come to terms with what's happened," Matt argued.
"Of course she's going to need you and the rest of her family and her friends, but that's going to be over time. Her immediate reaction is going to be what it's going to be whether you're there or not. It's going to be what happens afterwards where you can make a difference," Jackson countered. "Trust me Shauna didn't have you leave the room because she's trying to harm Gabby or anything. She would have only asked you to leave because she thought it would help her take care of Gabby. So the best thing you can do for Gabby right now is to let Shauna do what she needs to do. So as I said before, let's go to the desk, and let them know what's going on."
"You can do that though. You don't need me to come with you," Matt pointed out. Of course, he wanted Gabby to have what she needed. It was just after how he'd just seen her demeanor shift, he couldn't imagine that what she needed wasn't him, and nothing Jackson said was going to change his mind.
"We can continue to stand here and argue or you can come with me to the desk," Jackson replied.
Matt got the sense that the man knew that no matter what he said, the moment he left Matt alone, Matt would head back into Gabby's room and that the man had no intention of letting that happen. So he just stood and stared at the man, irritation evident on his face, while he weighted his options.
"Fine," Matt said begrudgingly after a few minutes of silence. As hard as he tried, he hadn't been able to think of anything to say that he thought would convince Jackson.
"After you," Jackson instructed before the two men silently walked towards the desk, leaving the cart Jackson had been pushing behind.
"We have some really great news," Jackson said once they reached the desk, alerting Sherry, the woman sitting in front of them staring diligently at her phone. "Gabby woke up. Shauna's in with her now."
"That's great news," Sherry took her attention off of her phone and broke out into a big smile before addressing Matt. "You and the Dawson's must be thrilled."
"The Dawson's?" Matt wasn't following.
"Her family," Sherry clarified. "I know I work nights, but I thought her parents and brother were here pretty much every day. I'm sure they've been eagerly waiting for this just as much as you."
"It's the middle of the night. They're not here," Matt pointed out. "Anyways, Shauna wanted to me to ask you to page Dr. Sanders so that he knows about Gabby."
With that Matt turned and walked away. He'd done what he needed to do and now he was eager to get back to Gabby. With any luck, Shauna would be done, and no one would stand in his way. If she wasn't though, he just needed to beat Jackson back. That way he'd be able to move the cart and walk into the room without any interference. Surely, Shauna wouldn't force him to leave once he'd gone back into the room, especially not if Gabby was still upset.
"Middle of the night or not, you really should reach out to Gabby's family," Jackson called as he caught up to Matt. "Trust me they're gonna want to know as soon as possible."
Matt didn't say anything. While he knew Jackson was speaking from experience, he was annoyed. He just wanted to get back to Gabby, and Jackson kept trying to give him something else to do. Yes, he knew that he needed to let Camila, Ramon, and Antonio know that Gabby was awake, but he wasn't sure any of them would answer if he called right now. They were probably all asleep, and he had no idea if the phone would wake them. This was why he'd never understood how they were able to leave in the first place, especially after Gabby started showing signs of waking up. How they could risk not finding out immediately let alone not being here when she first woke up was something he couldn't imagine. That didn't change the fact that they were likely sleeping at home though, and if he wasn't going to be able to talk to them, then didn't it make more sense to just get back to Gabby and call them in the morning? He didn't want to get into all of this with Jackson though, not when it could delay his return to Gabby's side, so he figured he'd just ignore him.
Only when he got back to Gabby's room, the door was still closed. Looking through the window, he could see that Shauna was still in there with Gabby. He stayed rooted to his spot, watching what was happening in the room for a minute until Jackson cleared his throat.
"You can't go back in there just yet," Jackson said.
"I know," Matt snapped as he turned the orderly.
The two men engaged in stare down for a few moments before Matt gave in and reached for his phone. He still thought it made sense to wait until later, but at this point making these calls wasn't going to delay his return to Gabby's side. Looking at the screen, he saw that it was 3 AM so Gabby must have woken up around 2:30. For some reason, he felt like that was important to remember. He quickly unlocked the phone and scrolled through his contacts, finding Antonio's name first. He hit call, and as expected got Antonio's voicemail.
"Hi Antonio. Sorry to call in the middle of the night, but I wanted to let you know that Gabby just woke up," he left a message before doing the same with both Camila and Ramon's voicemails. Right after he'd ended his last call, Shauna came out of Gabby's room.
"How is she?" Matt immediately asked.
"All things considered Gabby looks good. She's weak and having a hard time focusing and obviously this is a lot to take in. But from what I can tell, considering the severity of her initial injuries and how long she was in the coma, she's doing better than I would have expected," Shauna explained. "Her recovery is going to be a long road. Don't expect her to just get up and walk out of here any time soon. I didn't want to overwhelm her so we didn't get into the full extent of her injuries so she doesn't know this yet, but at minimum, she's going to need a significant amount of physical therapy. The accident alone ensured that. And she will need to have a doctor give her a complete work up before we know exactly how everything's affected her."
"I understand. Thank you," Matt said simply before heading into Gabby's room.
He found Gabby somewhere between laying down and sitting up, the bed having been adjusted so that it was propping her up. She didn't react to his presence though. Instead she seemed to be staring off into space, deep in thought. It was like she was in a daze, her mind completely somewhere else, physically but not mentally present, unaware of what was happening around her. If it wasn't for her open eyes and the distressed look on her face, Matt wouldn't have been able to tell that anything had changed in the past hour.
Closing the door behind him, Matt cautiously approached the bed, not wanting to startle Gabby. The last thing he wanted was for her to jump and hurt herself or become even more alarmed when she struggled to move again.
"Gabby," he said when he was just a few feet away from her. "You okay?"
"What?" she said as her eyes darted towards him, confusion momentarily evident on her face. "Matt?"
"Yeah. It's me," he replied as he returned to the position he'd been in earlier, sitting next to her on the bed, clasping her hand in his. He stroked it gently, hoping it would calm her. "I know that was a lot. Are you okay?"
"I love you too," she said suddenly, almost desperately and urgently. "I love you so much. That hasn't changed and –"
"And I love you," Matt cut her off. Now it was his turn to be confused. He had no idea where this was coming from. Not the love part, but how she was expressing it, her tone and even the word too when it was the first thing she'd said to him after he asked if she was okay. Maybe that just fit in with all his worry about her. "But are you okay? What Shauna told you. That's a lot to take in, and I know it couldn't have been easy to hear. I'm sorry I wasn't here when you –"
"That's the thing," this time Gabby cut him off. "You were always in my heart, and you were always here. I love you, and you were here. The man I love was always here."
Matt's own heart swelled with her words. He wasn't sure if everything she was saying was just more of her professing her love for him or if she'd actually been aware of his presence the entire time she was in the coma. He wanted to believe the latter, but even if it was just the former, after all that had happened, hearing that she loved him meant everything to him. He couldn't focus on that though. He had to make sure she was okay. Loving her meant that helping Gabby through all of this was priority number one.
"Gabby, what's going on?" he asked. "I love you too, and I'm glad you love me. But what's going on with you? Are you okay? Where's this coming from?"
"You told me you loved me earlier, and I didn't say it back," Gabby started to explain. "I couldn't. Not because I don't love you because I do. I've always loved you. I always will love you. With all my heart. I just…I didn't know. I knew we broke up. I knew why. That was all I knew. All the reasons why we couldn't be together right now. Or at least what I thought was right now. So I didn't want to confuse things, make them worse when I got out of here and back to shift. I thought that was the right thing for both of us. I…I didn't know," her voice trailed off as tears began to stream down her face, the emotion of everything getting the better of her.
"Gabby, it's okay. Shh, it's okay," Matt said soothingly, repeating himself as he used one hand to squeeze hers and the other to wipe away her tears.
When Gabby regained her composure, she spoke again.
"Sorry. I just –" she started.
"Gabby, you don't need to apologize," Matt stopped her. "After everything you've been through, everything that you were just told, you don't have to apologize or explain yourself to me. I can't imagine what this is like for you. Whatever it is I wish I could spare you from all of it. Just know that I'm here for you, and you can tell me anything, whenever and however you need to say it. I love you, and I'm here no matter what."
"That's the thing you were here, and I can't imagine what that was like for you," Gabby paused for a moment after echoing his words. "The nurse…the nurse. What's her name? I know her name. She told me. Why can't I think of it?" Gabby started to panic as she racked her brain for an answer she couldn't find.
"Shauna," Matt supplied the missing information.
"I should have known. I should have known," Gabby repeated.
"It's okay," Matt tried to soothe her and get her focus off of her struggles. "What did you want to say about her?"
"She…she said you were here. The whole time you were here. She told me that my fiancé loved me so much that he barely left my side, that she didn't think he'd ever left the hospital," Gabby explained. "My fiancée. She meant you, didn't she? I'm not sure why she would think we're engaged, but I know she had to be referring to you."
"I'm sorry," Matt couldn't tell how Gabby felt about everyone here thinking they were still engaged. "I wasn't trying to overstep or lie or anything. It's just that first day. The doctor wanted to talk to your family, and it just came out. I wasn't thinking. I didn't even realize what I was saying until I'd said it. It was more automatic than anything. I guess in that moment…it had been hours since anyone had heard anything. We didn't know much about what was going on with you. Just that you'd been in a car accident and that it was really bad and that at least earlier the doctor's didn't know if you were going to make it, and I guess with all of that, our breakup didn't matter. What mattered was how much I love you and how badly I want the life we were supposed to have. In my head, I know I'm not your fiancée anymore, but in my heart nothing's changed. And I think that's why I said we were engaged.
"And no one ever said anything otherwise. Not then, which is maybe kind of weird since I'm pretty sure Antonio and Severide were the only people in that waiting room who knew we'd ever been engaged, and then the idea that we were engaged got around to all the hospital staff, and –"
"Matt, it's okay. You didn't do anything wrong," Gabby interrupted him once he'd started rambling. She didn't know how she would have reacted if the situation had been reversed. If he'd been seriously hurt, and she'd been the one stuck in a waiting room talking to a doctor. But she knew that the way he's just described how he felt about her, matched how she felt about him so she understood the sentiment. "I don't care whether they think we're engaged or not. I was just confused when she started talking about my fiancée, and I got worried that maybe I'd forgotten more than anyone realized."
"I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to scare you. That was the last thing I wanted," Matt apologize again.
"Of course, you weren't. I never thought you were," Gabby insisted. "That's not even the point though. The point is what she about you not leaving the hospital this entire time. Is that true?"
"It is," Matt confirmed, a bit of disappointment setting in as he realized this meant that she hadn't been aware of his presence. He wasn't really surprised; he knew there was a decent chance she wouldn't be, but that hadn't stopped him from hoping.
"So the entire time I was in a coma you were here at the hospital. You never went home or to work. You slept here. You ate here. You lived here. You never saw anyone who hadn't come to visit me. I was in a coma for nearly four months, and the whole time you gave up your life to be at my side," Gabby said. Matt wasn't sure if she was seeking confirmation or just doing what she needed to do to process things.
"Yeah, this was where I needed to be," Matt told her. "Gabby, you're my world. Whether we're together or not, you are more important to me than anything. Since you got hurt, the only thing that's mattered to me is whether or not you were okay. If I tried to go to shift, all I'd be thinking about was what was going on with you and what I was missing by not being here. But the distraction isn't why I didn't go to work. I didn't even consider it because the thought of leaving your side was completely unbearable. I couldn't imagine being anywhere else. The possibility that something would happen or that you would wake up when I wasn't here, I couldn't let that happen. Here, with you, this was where I belonged. It was the only option.
"I wasn't giving up anything. Nothing that I cared about compared to you anyways. And there's no way I could have been giving up my life because you are my life. Leaving though that would have meant giving up something because it would have meant giving up on you. No matter how much time passed I was so sure that you were going to beat this and wake up. The Gabby I know and love is too much of a fighter for anything else to have happened, and I had to be here when that happened. I had to be here for you because I owe you so much after everything. So if I'd left, that would have been like admitting that you might not wake up, and that couldn't be an option. It couldn't because a world without you isn't a world at all. It's just an empty space.
"I love you with all my heart and all my soul, and I wish more than anything that this hadn't happened to you because you are the last person who deserves it. But staying here with you that was the only thing I could have done. It's the only thing I can do. Gabby, no matter how long it takes for you to get out of here and get your life back, I'm going to be here. My place always has been and always will be at your side. You're my first priority, and I'm so sorry it took all of this for me to realize that."
"You have no idea how much you staying here means to me," Gabby said a few tears fell from her eyes. Matt may have seen it as the only thing he could do, but as far as she was concerned, it was still a big deal and a huge sacrifice. "I know I said it before, but I love you too. And I'm glad you're here. Very, very glad. I just hate that I put you through all that."
"It's not your fault," Matt said as he once again reached to wipe her tears away. He knew exactly whose fault it was, and he would never forgive those kids, but Gabby didn't need to deal with that now.
They sat in silence for a few moments until Gabby reached up and tugged on Matt's shirt. She didn't have the strength to do what she really wanted though.
"What is it?" at least she'd succeeded in getting his attention.
"Kiss me again," Gabby requested. Matt quickly obliged, and this time she gave him a proper kiss back, one that didn't contain any hesitation.
Author's Note: So I wanted to make Gabby's reaction to what she knows about her situation realistic. Truthfully though I couldn't really imagine what it would be like to wake up and find out that you'd been in a coma for months, and pretty much everything I've been able to find online details more the recovery process and mid-to-long term effects of a coma than what happens in the immediate aftermath so a lot of how things are handled here and what Gabby's feeling/how she's reacting is a total guess so sorry if it seems completely off base or anything.
So that does it for now. Well, one last reminder to please let me know what you thought of this chapter. The review button is right down there after all.
Until next time :)