A/N: Merry Christmas! No...wait... *shuffles note cards* Happy Easter! I hope everyone's healthy and safe. I've almost finished writing this. Enjoy the chapter and leave a review to let me know what you think!
As much as Roy wanted to, there was no way for him to go back and have a Rōhatsu for Connor. But that didn't mean he couldn't try to make up for it in another way. So, the day after his meeting with Dinah, Roy poked his head into Connor and Mia's room.
"Connor, do you want to patrol tonight?" he asked.
Connor's eyes opened slowly from his meditation. "I can patrol tonight?" he asked, almost in disbelief.
"Yes."
He should've been thrilled. Connor knew he shouldn't think twice about Roy's sudden change of heart and seize the opportunity to be on the streets again. Instead, Connor was wary. "Why?"
"Why what?"
"Why can I patrol now? Why change your mind? What's changed?"
Roy tried not to sigh, then looked at Mia. "Can you leave us alone for a bit?"
"Sure," she answered moodily, then quickly gathered her homework and left the room.
After she left, Roy shut the door and sat on the ground across from Connor. "I'm sorry," he said, preferring to get it over with. "I shouldn't have yelled at you. I was tired and stressed, but that's no excuse. It was unfair of me to bench you like I did."
"Then why did you?"
"Because I'm scared."
Connor frowned in confusion. "Scared? But…you're Red Arrow. You're a great hero, what could you have to be scared about?"
Roy smiled, slightly embarrassed by Connor's compliments. "I'm afraid Kaldur may come after you guys. After what he did… I obviously can't trust him anymore and when it comes to people I can't trust, my brain has a tendency to assume the worst."
"Because you have PTSD?"
"Yeah." Roy was quiet for a moment as he rubbed the back of his neck. "I'm sorry that my reactions, the impulses my brain has, is upsetting you. I don't mean to upset you."
"I know you don't mean it. It still hurts though."
"I know and I'm going to try to do better, I promise."
"I just want to understand, Roy. What happened with my father? What was so bad it makes you barely able to look at me?"
Roy took a deep breath. 'Remember what Dinah said,' he thought. It may help Connor in a way he didn't understand, but maybe he didn't need to. "What do you want to know?"
"Huh?"
"You want to know what happened, right? I can't promise I'll answer every single question, but I promise I'll answer what I can."
Connor was quiet for a moment as he thought about it. His eyes glanced down at Roy's hands, the scarred flesh of his left palm just barely visible. "What happened to your hand?" There was a moment of silence where he was convinced Roy wasn't going to answer, but then the man started talking.
"It happened when I was 14. It was the last few weeks I was living with Oliver before Batman and Robin rescued me. I'd done something that made Oliver decide not to feed me dinner. I don't know why, but he was starving me a lot more often toward the end of my living with him. Anyway, I was really hungry. So, I tried to sneak some food, but he caught me. I accidentally knocked the food off the stove and Oliver was so mad he held my hand against the hit burner as punishment."
Something cold and sickening gripped Connor's stomach. "What- What did you do that made him not want to feed you?"
Roy almost snorted. "What didn't I do most of the time? I think that time… Yeah, it was because I messed up my archery. He'd told me to practice and… Ollie really didn't have any patience for me missing shots. I was still recovering from a different beating and the pain made me miss my mark. Of course, he happened to see, so when I asked if I could take a break, he said if I did I couldn't have dinner."
"So…he made you choose between resting because you were injured and having dinner?"
"Yes."
Connor swallowed. "Why are you missing a tooth?"
"That was-" Roy stopped himself just short of saying it was his fault. Because none of it was his fault and he knew that. Even if his brain still fell down that rabbit hole sometimes. "That was from a beating I got because I asked Oliver if killing people was really a good thing."
"Why did you ask? Weren't you afraid to do something like that?"
"I wasn't really thinking. Robin was sneaking into Star sporadically at night and he'd been saying things that made me think. Before I had accepted that Oliver would do things his way, but when I talked to Robin…it made me wonder if I could change Ollie's mind."
"Did you really think you could change him?"
"I did. For…a while. Especially after I left Star. Once I'd been in Gotham for a couple weeks, it felt like I had space to finally think. Unfortunately, once I started thinking, I began to think that if I went back to Star, I could change Ollie."
"You wanted to go back? Even after…everything that happened?"
"I did. I was traumatized and emotionally attached to Oliver. It wasn't a great time for me."
"When- When did you stop being so emotionally attached to Oliver? When did you finally hate him?"
"I don't hate him. I've never hated Oliver."
"Why not?"
"I don't really know, to be honest." Roy watched Connor look at the ground for several seconds. "Do you hate him?"
"Well…yeah. I hate that he did all this stuff. That he killed so many people and caused so much pain, especially to you because you're so great. I hate being related to someone so awful. But…I know Master Jensen and the other monks wouldn't approve of my hate."
"It's not worth your hate, Connor. There's so much other stuff you can be focused on in the world. Positive stuff. Oliver's imprisoned on another planet and he's never coming back."
"But he still scares you?"
"Yeah…"
"What else did he do?" Connor swallowed his own nauseated feelings at the thought of how much Oliver had hurt Roy. 'But if I do, I can know what to look for. What signs I need to avoid so I don't end up like my father.' So he spent the afternoon, listening to Roy's stories, internalizing them to keep his own life on the right path.
— —
With Connor on patrol again, things looked up in Roy's small world. Getting the Prazosin was a huge relief since he was exhausted from not sleeping. The side effects did come back, but between meditation and using the techniques he'd learned as a teenager, he was soon averaging 5 hours of sleep a night. Which turned out to be needed, because as the holidays approached, crime got worse. He and Connor spent night after night chasing down burglars and muggers, trying to steal from others during the giving season; as well as people taking advantage of the busy shopping season to go after vulnerable targets. It was still hard for Roy to use Connor's codename while they were in the field, but with sleep and meditating bringing his anxiety back under control, at least saying 'GA' was manageable. Which wasn't to say everything was perfect.
Walking in large crowds and people grabbing him still sent Roy spinning into a panic attack, but as Christmas got closer and he fell into a pattern of sleeping, meditating, and meeting with Dinah, their intensity decreased. Grounding himself to stop the panic still took longer than it had before the Incident and he struggled to keep his anxiety under control for a couple of hours or so afterward but it was progress. And considering the alternative, Roy would take slow progress over no progress any day. Then there was Mia.
Their disagreement still weighed heavily on Roy, especially when he tried to talk to her and she simply ignored him. With Connor back on his side, then teen tried to get Mia to talk, but she always refused. Roy knew he needed to apologize to Mia as well, but he wanted to wait. Just until Christmas so he could not only apologize but tangibly show Mia he was willing to be patient for her. So he sucked it up and just let her stay angry at him. With everything going on, Roy probably wouldn't have survived to Christmas if it wasn't for Jade, who, inexplicably, was still with them. But with the holiday so close, he didn't really mind. The more the merrier.
On Christmas Eve, Roy was in the Arrow Cave, working on the last few adjustments/additions he needed to make to Connor and Mia's big Christmas gifts. He was so focused on his work that he barely noticed when his phone started ringing. By the time he noticed, it had stopped, but a few seconds later it started raining again. Roy looked at it and swallowed before he answered. "Hey."
"Hey," Dick said quietly. So quiet it was almost hard to hear him, even over the phone. "What's…uh…going on?"
"Nothing much just…getting ready for tomorrow."
"Yeah, right. Big plans?"
"Not really. You?"
"Uh…no. Just…patrolling tomorrow night probably."
"Patrolling on Christmas?"
"Yeah. You don't?"
"No, I kept Bruce's tradition of staying in on Christmas night. Besides, weren't you the one who told me not even Commissioner Gordon works on Christmas?"
Dick chuckled. "I'll probably swing by the Mountain too. See everyone there."
"How is everyone?"
"Good. Adjusting. Our…original members are having a harder time than the newer ones. Even Wally and Artemis have checked in with us more often just to make sure its all going smoothly."
"Well…good."
There was a moment of awkward silence. "What about you? How're you holding up considering everything?"
Roy sighed and closed his eyes for a moment. "I'm…trying…"
"Trying?"
"Yeah, it's… It's complicated, Dick. When Kal- When he left he… He caused some kind of relapse in my PTSD so I've been struggling. Nightmares, panic attacks, mild flashbacks, you know the drill."
"What'd you mean he caused it? How?"
"When he…you know…he grabbed my wrist and twisted it behind my back. He stunned me too, but I think the grabbing and twisting was more what triggered me. That and the fact it was someone I loved and trusted who did that. I'm sure that was part of it. Its been a rough month, honestly. I've just started getting more than two hours of sleep a night and getting my panic attacks under control again is a struggle."
"Oh… I- I'm sorry…"
For as second, part of Roy's brain thought the regret in his brother's voice was strange, but he dismissed it. They might not be on the best terms right now, but even Dick wouldn't want Roy to be suffering again. Deep down, he knew his brother loved him and would never want something like that. Dick was probably just worried. "Thanks. I'm back on the Prazosin though and I'm back to seeing Dinah once a week."
"That's good. I'm sure you'll be able to figure everything out."
"Funny, she told me the same thing." There was another awkward silence. "Have you talked to Bruce?"
"A little bit, back and forth. Why?"
"No reason. Just checking."
"Uh-huh. I've gotta go Roy, Team stuff, but I'll talk to you again soon. Ok?"
"Ok, Dick."
"Bye and Merry Christmas."
Roy smiled into his phone. "Merry Christmas, little brother."
— —
The next morning, Mia was the first person awake. She hung down from the top bunk to check on Connor, who was still asleep. As silently as possible, she somersaulted off her bunk, landing gently on the carpeted floor. She left the room and tip-toed into the living room. Jade was still asleep on the couch, so Mia walked around it as much as she could to get a look at the tree. Roy had left the lights on overnight, and they cast multi-colored shadows on the green tree. Beneath the tree though, was a pile of presents wrapped in shiny red and green wrapping paper. Excitement bubbled in her stomach as Mia practically threw herself onto her knees by the tree. She moved the gifts around as gently as she could, trying to look at the tags.
"Aren't you a little old to be getting up this early on Christmas?" Jade asked.
Mia glanced back at her, feeling a little bad she'd woken the woman, but then shrugged it off. "I'm not really…familiar with Christmas." She looked up at the golden star, glistening atop the tree. "Christmas with my dad was usually whatever crappy dollar store gifts he could shoplift that year if he remembered at all. There was never a tree, although one time when I was 9 I found a large tree branch and brought it into my bedroom, then made a paper chain to drape over it. And with Richard… I've spent the last two Christmases sleeping with strange men for money. There wasn't exactly presents and cookies and warm, fuzzy tv specials."
"My family wasn't exactly good at the Christmas thing either, so I feel you, kid. Seems like Roy's really into it though."
"Yeah. Connor said it was because one of the few times of the year things were always good for him. Even when he was being abused."
"Makes sense then."
"If I open one of these presents just a little, will you tell?"
"Yes."
Mia rolled her eyes and threw herself back on the carpet. "I don't want to wait for Roy and Connor to wake up."
'At least Roy is sleeping,' Jade thought as she stood and stretched. "We can at least sneak some hot chocolate and cookies while we wait for the boys."
"Best thing you've said so far." Mia pushed herself to her feet and followed Jade into the kitchen. The Christmas cookies she'd helped Connor decorate the night before were right where they'd left them on the table. She sat down and snatched a star cookie covered in red frosting. "Do you like Christmas?"
"I'm indifferent. Assassins don't really have time for something as superfluous and self-indulgent as holidays."
"Neither do prostitutes."
"The more you know."
The two sat silently, enjoying hot chocolate and cookies until Roy woke up and walked into the kitchen. He frowned at them as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes. "Why are you guys eating cookies?" he asked, frowning. "It's...8 in the morning!"
"And hot chocolate. That's a food and a drink, that's basically a meal. Besides, it's Christmas," Mia objected. "Isn't this the one day I get to have pure sugar for breakfast?"
Roy opened his mouth, then closed it and shook his mouth. "Never mind. Not worth it. I'll go see if Connor is awake so we can get cracking on the presents." He went to Connor and Mia's room and knocked. "Connor? You awake?"
"Yeah." The door opened, revealing Connor, still in his pajamas. "I'm assuming Mia is still awake?"
"She is. It seems like she and Jade have been up for a while. Come on, I'll make hot chocolate for the two of us and we can grab some cookies."
"…Cookies?"
"Looks like we're having cookies for breakfast."
"Huh… Ok." Connor followed Roy into the kitchen and plopped down into the seat next to Mia. "Merry Christmas."
"Merry Christmas," Mia replied.
"You got up early today."
"So I'm excited. Sue me."
Connor rolled his eyes and grabbed a cookie off the plate. "You weren't this excited about Rōhatsu a few weeks ago."
"Well, I wasn't familiar with it. Next year I'll be more excited."
"Uh-huh."
Once Roy had made hot chocolate for himself and Connor, he grabbed a few cookies and gestured to the living room. "Go on."
"Let's go, Con!" Mia smiled. She grabbed Connor's hand and practically dragged him to the living room.
Roy smiled as he followed them, Jade, right behind him. The two adults sat on the couch and watched as Mia tore into the presents eagerly and Connor opened his thoughtfully.
"Clothes?" Mia asked as she examined the items. "Ooo, they're cool too. And this sweater is so soft and fuzzy. Connor, feel it."
Connor rubbed the fuzzy sweater and nodded. "I got a sweater too." He held up the soft, knitted green sweater he'd gotten. "It's nice, I wish I could wear it to school." He glanced at Mia, but she'd already moved on to her next gift, so he set his sweater aside and moved on to the next gift too.
"A journal?" Mia glanced back at Roy in confusion.
"In my defense, the lady at the store said a lot of teenager girls write in journals," he explained.
"Hmph. It's got a cool cover." She angled it back and forth, watching as the holographic cover changed in a rainbow of colors. "What'd you have, Connor?"
"Books." Connor looked over the older sci-fi books he'd unwrapped. "Thanks, Roy."
"You're welcome," Roy said. "I know you guys have limited shelf space in that room, but I remember you looking at these last month."
"You remembered that?"
"I made a mental note."
"You're excited about books?" Mia asked him as she unwrapped a plush stuffed lion.
"You've got a stuffed animal."
"That's different. He's practically a pillow. That makes him practical."
Connor smiled as he opened his next gift. "Whatever you say."
"This is the majority of your guys' gifts," Roy said. "But you each have a…big gift that you won't get until later tonight."
"What are they?" Mia asked. When Roy merely smiled and wiped his hot chocolate, she rolled her eyes. "Fine."
"What're the plans today?" Jade asked.
"Movies," Roy replied eagerly. "We're going to spend the whole day watching Christmas movies."
"Can we stay in our pajamas?" Mia asked.
"…Sure." Alfred had never allowed Roy and Dick to stay in the pajamas all day, even on Christmas, but he didn't see the harm in letting Connor and Mia do it. 'I'm an adult. Pretty sure I'm allowed to make decisions like that.' He nodded to himself as he took a sip of his hot chocolate. At some point, Jade left and returned with the plate of cookies.
She shrugged when he gave her a look. "Might as well eat them," she argued as she took one for herself. "What other reason is there for Christmas cookies."
"Good point." Once Mia and Connor were done opening presents and had raided their stockings, Roy stood. "I'll get the movies. You two clean up the trash."
"Don't talk about Connor like that," Mia said as she gathered up the wrapping paper.
Connor frowned, then glared at her for a moment before he also gathered up his shredded wrapping paper.
'At least she's in a good mood,' he thought. 'Good. I know she hasn't really had a nice Christmas like this, so I want to show her how great it can be.' Even if Mia was insistent on how un-traumatized she was and how ok everything was, Roy was determined to give her a good Christmas. To show her that someone could give her nice things without expecting anything in return. So, he gathered up the movies, then put one on before returning to the couch. Mia was on the floor in front of Jade, her knew black, fluffy blanket wrapped tightly around her. Connor was next to her, silently munching on a cookie. It wasn't exactly like Christmases in the Manor. It didn't snow in Star, and when it did, there was little more than first that melted in a couple hours. But it was still cozy and nice. For the first time in weeks, Roy settled down without an ounce of anxiety in his brain and relaxed as the first movie played.
— —
The day passed entirely without incident. The four inhabitants spent it watching movies and eating cookies. Eventually, Roy had to take the sweets away, if only because he still planned to make a Christmas dinner for them and actually wanted people to eat it. In the late afternoon, after they finished the final movie, he stood and stretched.
"I'm going to start dinner," he said. "Connor, do you want to help?"
"Mhm. I found a veggie casserole recipe in an old cookbook in the library at school," Connor replied as he stood himself. "I think it'll be really good."
"Sounds good."
Roy and Connor gathered up the empty mugs, then walked toward the kitchen. As they left, Roy heard Mia ask, "Hey, Jade, want to play Clue with me?"
"I don't know how to play," Jade replied.
"I can teach you. We had it in my classroom when I was like…9 or 10 and it was my favorite game."
Connor glanced at Roy as they entered the kitchen. "How'd you know she liked Clue?" he asked.
"I'm a detective, Connor," Roy replied as he put the mugs in the sink. "Besides, I can hear you guys when we're in the Cave, you know."
The afternoon was tranquil and merry. Connor helped Roy prepare dinner while Mia taught Jade how to play Clue. Over the next few hours, Roy received messages from his friends and a call from Barbara. By the time dinner was ready, Roy was still in a great mood as he started putting food on plates.
"I won!" Mia cheered as she came skipping into the kitchen. "Roy, I beat Jade at Clue."
"You've got detective training," Jade muttered as she followed, rolling her eyes. "It's not exactly a great feat."
'But she's a highly intelligent, trained assassin with ties to the League of Shadows,' Roy thought as he joined them at the table. 'I highly doubt she couldn't have beaten Mia, especially if she wanted to.' He gave Jade a knowing smile, but she merely rolled her eyes again, then looked away.
"What is this?" Mia asked, lifting the main course of her dish with her fork.
"Eggplant parmesan," Roy told her.
"It's what we had on my birthday," Connor added.
"Oh, right," Mia replied. She took a bite, then shrugged and kept eating.
"See, you like some vegetarian food."
"Shut up."
"Be nice," Roy said. "If you guys don't be nice, I won't take you to the Cave for your big presents."
"I didn't do anything," Connor objected. "She's the one being mean!"
"Snitch," Mia said.
"It's not snitching if Roy is right here," Jade pointed out. "He can hear both of you."
Roy tried not to smile as he continued to eat, but more or less failed spectacularly.
— —
After dinner, Roy took Connor and Mia to the Cave. Jade opted to stay behind, so it was just the three of them as they walked through the dark, mostly deserted streets.
"We should live closer," Mia said. "It's so far."
"Distance is good," Roy argued. "Distance creates doubt if anyone sees something they're not supposed to."
"Smart. No wonder you get to be in charge of this operation." She heard Connor snort and shoved him off the sidewalk.
Roy simply smiled at them. They entered the property through the back fence, then used the backdoor to get into the building. As soon as they were in the backroom, Roy grabbed two blindfolds he'd left there the night before. "Put these on," he said.
"Why all the cloak and dagger?" Connor asked as he tied the blindfold around his face.
"You'll see."
"Not with these on," Mia pointed out as she tied her blindfold in place.
"You can take them off when we get downstairs," Roy said. He opened the secret staircase, then went over to Connor and lead him toward the stairs. "Mia, don't go anywhere."
"Wasn't planning on it."
"Ok, Connor step down. Down. Down. Down." Roy directed the teen down to the Cave then positioned him in a place where he'd see his gift right away. "Ok, don't move."
"I won't."
Roy went back upstairs, then gently corralled Mia down the stairs as well. He positioned her right in front of her gift, then stepped back so he was more or less evenly between them. "Ok, take off the blindfolds in three… two… one!" The teen took their blindfolds off and for half a second nothing happened.
"Oh whoa-" Connor breathed but was cut off by Mia's shout.
"Holy shit! Is that my superhero suit?!" she asked excitedly. "It has to be! Oh my God, it's just like the picture!" The suit was mostly red, with yellow boots and gloves/gauntlets. There was a large, yellow arrow on the chest and a similarly colored cape, with an attached hood. "You gave me my cape?"
"Yes…" Roy sighed. "I still think it's impractical, but you were very determined. Figuring out how to fit the quiver was a pain. I managed to design it just right so that there's a small opening in the cape where the arrows can stick out."
"It's still so cool- Wait, does this mean I can patrol?"
"I still want to test you a little more to make sure you're ready, but you should be good to go by the New Year. Without having to participate in therapy. You still have to go, because your social worker will come after me if you don't, but if you're still not comfortable taking, then that's ok."
"…Thanks."
"You're welcome." Roy looked over at Connor, who hadn't moved. "You ok, over there?"
"You got me a motorcycle?" Connor asked in disbelief. He stared at the dark green and black bike, which was admittedly really cool. "But…I don't know how to ride one."
"It's ok, I'll teach you. Once Mia's on the streets with us, my bike alone won't be enough to get us around."
"How come he gets a bike?!" Mia objected.
"Seniority privileges. Besides, you finally got your suit. That's still pretty great."
'I got my suit. I'm going to be a vigilante. I got clothes, games, movies…' Apprehension started pooling in her stomach and spreading. 'Roy- Roy gave me all this stuff. All- Everything- He gave me all this stuff and-' An unidentifiable feeling started wrapping itself around her lungs, making it difficult to breathe. Oxygen seemed in short supply as her lungs struggled against whatever was strangling them. Tingling traveled down her arms and legs, making her stumble. Someone caught her, but she wasn't really aware of who it was. "S-Stop!" she gasped. "Don't touch me!" She jerked away from the hands, which only resulted in her falling onto the ground.
"Mia… Mia, I need you to breathe. Can you do that?"
"Uh-uh…"
"Ok. Ok. Take a small breath. Very small. Like i"m doing. Listen to my breathing."
It was difficult to hear over her own strangled breaths, but she did her best. The breathing she was supposed to be listening to loud and exaggerated, making it easier to hear. She took a small breath, then exhaled quickly.
"Slower, Mia. Slow. I'll count and you breathe, ok? One, two, three, four. Good, no, don't exhale yet. Hold it you can do it, good job. One, two, three. Ok, now exhale slowly. One, two, three, four, five. Very good. You're doing great. Inhale again."
Mia followed the instructions until her breathing eventually evened out and whatever had been strangling her lungs stopped. Some of the tingling remained, but she could ignore it.
"Are you ok?" Roy was kneeling in front of her, concern written all over his face.
"I- Yeah. I'm fine."
"Are you sure? Because it seems like you just had an anxiety attack."
Mia scowled a little bit. "It's fine, Roy. I'm fine."
Roy opened his mouth, then shut it. 'I need to do this at her pace,' he reminded himself. At Mia's own pace. "Ok. As long as you're feeling good."
"I feel great." Mia got to her feet quickly. "See, fine?"
"Uh-huh." Roy stood as well just as his phone started ringing. He pulled it out of his pocket and his mouth fell open a little bit in shock. "Uh… Why don't you two go home and we can have some dessert? I'll be there soon."
"Ok…" Both teens gave him a suspicious look as they left.
Roy ignored them in favor of taking a doe breath, then answering the call. "…Hi."
There was a short pause. "…Hi, Roy," Bruce said. "How are you?"
"I'm…doing fine. I guess."
"You guess?"
"I… Things have been hard since, Kal."
Another short pause. "I'm sure."
"How about you?"
"It's been…fine. Lonely."
Roy raised his eyebrows. "Hmm…"
"How are…things in Star?"
"Things are good. Annual holiday crime spike, but I suspect it'll go down in a few weeks."
"…I- I heard the crime rate is at the lowest it's been in 10 years."
"Is it? I don't really pay attention to stuff like that."
"You should. You're doing good work there."
"I don't really care about overall crime rates. The police can worry about that. I just focus on how many people I'm helping."
"Hmm…"
'What a fascinating vocal range he has,' Roy thought. "I talked to Dick yesterday."
"So did I. He's really taking to his new role as Team leader."
"Good to know." There was another, long pause, so Roy sighed and rubbed the back of his neck; mindful he had two teenagers waiting for him at home so they could have dessert. "I- I have to go, Bruce."
"Oh! Right, of course."
"But you can…call again sometime. You know, if you want to."
"I will. I'll call next month."
"Ok. Good." Another pause. "Bye, Bruce. Merry Christmas."
"Merry Christmas, Roy." A second later and Bruce hung up.
Whether it was relief or happiness from finally speaking to Bruce again, Roy wasn't sure, but he also didn't really care. It was just nice to finally be talking to his mentor/former guardian again. 'One of the best Christmas gifts I've gotten today.'
— —
Much later that night, after dessert and Connor and Mia going to bed, Roy sat on the couch with Jade enjoying a cup of hot chocolate.
"You haven't had enough of that stuff?" Jade asked him.
"Nope," Roy smiled.
"You're like a child."
"You better be nice or I won't give you your gift."
"Oh please, like you got me a gift."
Roy gave her an 'oh really?' look, then stood and walked over to the tree. He pulled a small present out from the back, then handed it to her as he took his seat again. "Merry Christmas."
Jade frowned in suspicion as she examined the small package, then slowly opened it. She frowned at what she found in the box. "A knife?"
"Saw it in a pawn shop window on patrol a few nights ago. See, when you hold it up to the light it looks like its changing color."
"….Why?"
"Why what?"
"Why give me this? Don't I already owe you enough?"
"You don't owe me anything Jade."
"That's not how the world works, hero."
"Well, it does in my world." When Jade rolled her eyes in response, Roy frowned. "Ok, why don't you tell me why you've stuck around so long? You've been properly healed for months, so why stay?"
"I'm just re-paying my debt."
"Uh-huh… That's why you pushed me to take care of myself and fed the kids while I was spiraling?"
"Yup."
"So, it's all debt you feel you owe me for helping you. It has nothing to do with you liking me?"
Jade sputtered for a moment. "I- I don't like you!"
"It's alright, you can say it. You live in my home, help me take care of my wards, eat dinner with us. We're friends."
"We're not friends."
"Sure we are."
"You wouldn't be friends with someone like me."
"You don't know that."
"Oh really? So, you're perfectly ok with being friends with someone who helped Green Arrow spy on you and killed people for money?"
"I mean…we all make mistakes…"
"You're unbelievable." Jade rolled her eyes, then looked down at the knife. She was quiet for a minute. "For what it's worth, every second I was with Oliver Queen, I wanted to punch him in the face."
"Good to know, I guess."
"….What would Batman say if he knew you were friends with an assassin?"
"Trust me, Batman doesn't really have any room to judge me."
Jade was quiet for another moment. "Looks like we're friends then."
"I'm glad. And thank you, Jade. For everything you've done for me and the kids."
"Don't go soft on me, hero."
Roy simply smiled as he took another sip of his hot chocolate.
— —
When Roy went to bed that night, he walked over to the window almost without thinking. He had his hand on the lock before it hit him.
He didn't need to unlock his window.
Kaldur wasn't coming to see him.
Pain shot through Roy's chest as he withdrew his hand. 'Right… Kal's gone…' So instead, he went to bed. Tears leaked from his eyes and he buried his face in a pillow, hugging another one to himself desperately. Despite all the fun, he'd had that day, pain and sadness consumed Roy as he cried himself to sleep; desperately wishing he could smell sea salt on his sheets and pillows, just one more time.