He never realised just how much stress Clinical Lead could be. When he saw that for the most part being Clinical Lead meant meetings, paperwork, ticking boxes and making sure the hospital reached its targets, Ethan didn't want to be part of Management. He enjoyed being a doctor. A doctor who interacted with patients and cared about his colleagues. Therefore, when he resigned from the position, he felt a weight being lifted off his shoulders. While Ethan had always dreamed of climbing up his career ladder, he knew that his personality was never the right fit for being Clinical Lead. At this moment in his life, he was happy being where he was. He had recently been promoted to Consultant, something he was extremely proud of. Something he knew, Cal would be proud of too. A small sad smile appeared across his face.
One year today, Cal passed away.
The day had been stressful for Ethan. He had lost his temper on many occasions. Snapped at his colleagues for no reason, other than he was still grieving for his brother. The final straw was when Connie had stopped him and told him after what had happened to Cal, they were going to build an operating theatre in the ED. It wasn't the fact that she wanted a new theatre to prevent similar incidents from occurring, it was how she had broached the subject. Connie had informed him that while it wouldn't be a consolation for him, she fully believed that if they had the theatre last year, Cal wouldn't have died. He knew Connie hadn't meant it to come across the way it did, but that didn't stop him from scoffing at her.
Wanting time to be alone, Ethan headed to the one place where he knew he could be in peace.
"One year. It's been one year since you died, Cal. I know they say time heals the pain you have, but the pain is still raw. Still hurts here." Ethan said, resting his fist on his heart.
Ethan knelt down in front of the gravestone. It had only been a year since Cal had died, but even now the colour of the once grey stone was beginning to fade. Even a bouquet of flowers was beginning to wither away. A sense of guilt and shame filled his heart. He should have visited more often. While Ethan had tried to come weekly, his shifts at the hospital had become stressful. He would have hoped that when he stepped down from Clinical Lead, things would get better. However, Ethan was wrong. Stepping down from Clinical Lead didn't help things. His mood swings were still erratic. On occasions his temper would get the better of him and he would lose it for no apparent reason. It wasn't just his colleagues that he lost his temper with, but with patients too. He didn't know what was happening with him. And it scared him. He didn't know who he was becoming. In the far corners of his mind, Ethan was worried that it could be the start of the Huntington's. That thought frightened him. Of course, he had been frightened when Cal was alive, but ever since he had lost his brother, developing Huntington's had become Ethan's nightmare. Apart from Cal, Lily and Connie were the only ones who knew. Since Lily had left, Connie was the sole person who he had told.
Ethan was lost in his thoughts, picking the dead leaves and flower heads from Cal's grave, that he hadn't noticed the figure standing behind him. The shadow cast darkened his view. Quickly, he spun around.
"Oh, Charlie, it's you." He said.
"Thought you might want some company." Charlie said softly as Ethan turned his attention back to what he was doing.
"And why would you think that?" Ethan asked rather harshly than he wanted it to.
"No one should be alone, especially when it's the anniversary of a loved one's departing." Charlie told him.
"I'm not alone."
"Course you're not." Charlie said.
"No, I'm surrounded by people. Even if they are dead." Ethan replied.
Charlie gave a small chuckle.
"Thanks Charlie." Ethan replied quietly.
"I miss him too. We all do."
"I know."
Charlie smiled. After a few moments of silence, Charlie broke it.
"You know she didn't mean what she said."
"Who?"
"Connie."
"She didn't mean what?"
"About if we had the resources Cal would still be alive."
"I know she didn't. But, she's right though. If this ED had access to their own trauma theatre then so many unnecessary deaths could have been prevented."
"Even Cal's?" Charlie asked cautiously.
"Look, I don't blame Connie or the hospital for Cal's death. From what I heard from Dylan, Cal's injuries were serious. He wouldn't have made it even if we did have the theatre. I just…"
"You just what?" Charlie stopped him, mid-sentence. He had a feeling he knew what Ethan was going to say.
Ethan shaked his head.
"Never mind. It doesn't matter, it's not important."
Charlie gave him a look. A look telling him that he knew what he was going to say. Ethan turned back towards the grave, not wanting to look at Charlie's knowing stare. Why did Charlie have to know everything about everyone? It was infuriating as it was calming. He knew Charlie meant well and couldn't imagine him not being there for him over the past year, but sometimes Ethan just wished Charlie wasn't Charlie for once.
"Cal would be proud of you."
"Would he? I'm not so sure about that."
"What do you mean by that?"
"If only you knew what I have done." Ethan muttered, hoping Charlie didn't hear.
But, he had heard. He turned towards Ethan, waiting for him to elaborate on his answer. Ethan knelt down in front of Cal's grave, trimming the dead leaves off of the bouquet. Charlie knew what Ethan was doing. He was avoiding having to answer. Ethan stood back up and turned away so Charlie couldn't see his face. Silence took over but, it didn't seem to bother either of them. Charlie wasn't going to force Ethan to tell him what he meant by hs words. If Ethan wanted to explain then he would have done. Understandingly, Charlie patted Ethan on the shoulder and turned to head towards his car.
"I killed him."
Charlie stopped in his tracks. He killed who?
"I killed Scott Ellison." Ethan had turned towards Charlie's back.
Charlie turned towards him. Ethan's eyes glistened with tears as he repeated the words.
"I killed Scott Ellison. I let him die because of what he did to my brother. I was supposed to save him. I didn't. Maybe he was right. Maybe I am like him. Maybe Cal is looking down on him, ashamed at what I've done."