AN: Okay, this chapter is specifically for Rosie, who asked for some of the blanks to be filled in from season 14, episode 13, Lebanon. I did my best to discern what Sam was thinking, what John was looking for when he looked at his boys, and what led to the conversations that we did see. It ended up somewhat shorter than I intended, but I think it has everything in it that I want it to. I'm very nervous about this one, probably because it was specifically requested…I hope I did it some justice in the little bit of space I used. Also, Rosie, thank you for your super sweet comment on Watering the Flowers! It was so nice of you to take the time to drop a note. I like Barb too!
Kathy: thanks as always for your reviews! I'm glad you liked the one about Gadreel even though you're not a fan of the character. I really believe that experiencing things through Sam's eyes humanized him and helped lead to his eventual redemption. And I knew you'd like the Weechesters! Dean was the best big brother, and I live for the bro-bonding moments in the show!
Blondie: Okay, I'm REALLY glad you laughed at the last chapter. As soon as I posted it I started freaking out, wondering if I'd lose all of my readers because it's just so insane. Now I'm picturing the penguins from Madagascar too. "Smile and wave, boys. Smile and wave." LOL
CHAPTER 21: What Happened
What happened to you?
Sixteen years. Where could he start? Was there anything left of the Sam that Dad had known? The one who had gone off to Stanford and thought that he could put all of the monsters behind him? The Sam who hadn't counted himself among those very monsters?
Sam let Dean give an abridged version of their lives. Dean didn't sugarcoat it – that wasn't his style, anyway – but he didn't dwell either. Dad absorbed it, listened, no disbelief on his face. His eyes bounced back and forth from one face to the other, as if gauging how all of this had changed them.
What happened to you?
What hadn't? Sam had died, literally stabbed in the back by a man he'd been trying to offer redemption, hoping that he too could be redeemed. Then Dean had gone to Hell for him and he'd found that everything that was good inside him faded without Dean's presence.
He'd let the greatest evil out. He'd drunk blood – demon blood -- and gone against angels and more than that, he'd gone against Dean. And Lucifer walked free again. He'd done that. His motivations didn't matter, they didn't lessen the weight he carried and would always carry. Was it that weight that Dad saw when he asked his question?
What happened to you?
It didn't get better. He'd allowed Lucifer inside his head, inside his body. He'd let the devil himself take the wheel and it was only because of Dean that he'd found it in himself to shove him aside and jump. And it was supposed to be forever. The world was worth it, and a lot of the reason he believed that was because of Dean. Dean who had said no to Michael and then showed up willing to die just so Sam didn't die alone. That's who he was willing to burn for. And he did burn.
What happened to you?
He was torn in half. Half of him screwed and beat and drank and killed his way through a caricature of a life. He hunted because it was familiar and because it gave him a violent outlet for his curiosity. Because he didn't do any of those things out of anger or passion or a desire to do good or evil. He did it in a desperate attempt to feel something. Killing used to make him feel. Touching a woman used to make him feel. Hunting did too. He didn't care if the feelings were good or bad, as long as he could feel something. That's why he stayed with Dean later too…he hoped he could catch an echo of something. Love, affection, amusement, resentment, anything. The things he did would never wash off. In the end, he'd nearly killed Bobby because of the one thing he could feel. Fear. But Dean put him back together and forgave him and stayed with him, even when he lost hold of reality.
What happened to you?
He lost faith. Lost Dean again, probably because he really didn't deserve him. Then he tried for redemption again. As he went through the Trials, he could feel himself changing; Cas had said it was on a subatomic level, but he knew it went even deeper, beyond the physical, to his soul itself. His body had been healed, but he wondered sometimes what his soul was like now. It had been tainted by demon blood, inhabited by Lucifer, ripped out, tortured, stitched back on, and excoriated by the Trials. Gadreel had lived inside him and healed the physical damage, but the deaths he'd committed with Sam's own hands – just more stains on his soul. In the darkest nights, Sam wondered if the strands of his patched and frayed soul would one day simply snap. If they did, he hoped that all of him would cease to exist this time. If you complete the Trials, you'll die. Dean had said. And, utterly sincerely, Sam had responded, So?
What happened to you?
Sam had been ready to die. He'd been willing to die. He'd been…relieved to die. He'd been relieved that his messed up life could end in a meaningful way. He'd had a struggle trying to forgive Dean for bringing him back, for tricking him, for allowing him to be possessed again. Bile still rose in his throat when he thought about it. And it was his cruelty that had pushed Dean to accept the Mark of Cain. So it was his penance to watch the best man he'd ever known become a demon. Saving his brother, well, that had ushered him down a path that was far worse than what Dean had done in letting Gadreel in. Sometimes he thought he was Giles Corey, barely able to breath under the pressure, but crying, "more weight!"
What happened to you?
Sam found himself sneaking glances at his father as if reassure himself the man was really there. It was like when Mom had come back, except, Dad was sneaking glances at him, too. And John Winchester didn't sneak peeks at anything. He strode up and unapologetically looked. But now he was acting so out of character. Maybe acting in character went out the window when you were jerked 16 years into the future. Maybe he had no idea how to react to an adult version of the petulant almost-man he'd known. Deciding he needed to hear the words Dad was hoarding, Sam looked up and met those eyes. It nearly broke him. He'd been so young when last he'd seen them, he'd never recognized the heartbreak they held. He hadn't understood the weight of impossible choices, of dreams of blood and death. He'd never noticed the terrible burden they carried.
Sam didn't want to cry when he talked, but he wasn't embarrassed by it like he'd been for most of his life. John didn't like tears, except, John had tears in his eyes too. And Sam had to tell him, had to make him understand that Sam got it now. He got the depths you could be forced to, what was lost when you were pressed so hard by life, when you loved so hard that almost nothing was out of bounds. "You fought for us, and you loved us and…that's enough." He meant it with all his heart.
Later, Dad told Sam and Dean "My fight. It was supposed to end with me," and Sam knew his Dad had seen what his own eyes carried, had seen that they were so much the same.
"I am so proud of you boys. I love you both so much."
It was the hug so many years in the making. It was absolution and redemption and forgiveness and apology. And it was understanding.
What happened to you?
The same thing that happened to you.