Happy Canada day to my Canadian readers. Hope you had a good time. Here is a little angst to follow last week's fluff. Thanks to sjwmaw, Kathy, SilentDragon02 and shadowhuntingdauntlessdemigod for their kind reviews.
An hour later, Dean had showered and was finally back in dry clothes. Slung around his neck was the towel he'd been rubbing across his now almost dry hair. He'd wrung out his jeans and t-shirt and now they were draped around their room to dry. The window was open, a warm breeze brought the smell of cut grass and honeysuckle, and late afternoon sunshine was heating up the wooden floor under his feet. Sam was sprawled on his bed, hands behind his head. His brother had a tiny pensive frown between his eyebrows, but generally seemed rested and unburdened for once.
Dean tossed his damp towel in Sam's face as he sat on his bed to pull on clean socks. Sam scowled at him, but simply hung the towel over the bedpost. Oh oh, if the kid didn't retaliate then he was deep in thought. Maybe he had changed his mind about trying to stay with Dean and be a part time dad? This afternoon, he'd told old Murray the truth, if Sam wanted to retire from hunting, build a life with his son and this family, well Dean wasn't going to get in the way. Didn't mean that it wouldn't hurt more than anything. His whole life he'd tried to make Sam happy. More often than not he'd failed, sometimes in epic, disastrous fashion, but he'd tried. Deep down he always knew that he wasn't enough, that Sam would always leave. His brother craved normal and that was one thing Dean could never provide.
A soft knock on the door broke both brothers from their musing and Dean padded over to the door in his sock feet. Sharron and Colin were there, looking slightly nervous.
"Hi Dean. Is this a bad time?" Colin asked.
"Nah." Swinging the door opened he gestured them in. He didn't fail to notice that Sharron closed it behind them. The bedroom was a fair size but having 4 adults in it at the same time made it seem small. Dean went and sat beside Sam who had swung his legs over the edge of the bed. His shoulder was close enough to Sam's that he could feel the tension in the younger man's body. Sharron laughed lightly.
"Jesus. At ease everyone. No one's getting court martialed, you know." With that, she casually plopped down on Dean's bed and tucked one bare foot underneath her knee. Colin smiled too and joined his wife. Dean felt Sam loosen up a little beside him.
"What's up?," Sam asked.
"Well, I know that Fiona already spilled the beans, but Sharron and I wanted to make it official. If you decide that you want to be a full-time Dad to Johnny, Sam - well we'd like you to know that you have a home with us. You could stay in the little house where you'd have some privacy for as long as you wanted." The couple across from them exuded nothing but warmth and friendliness, but a chill passed through Dean anyway.
"And of course you're welcome too Dean. Anytime," Sharron leaned forward and tapped Dean's knee to emphasize her point. It meant a lot that they included him. In any other circumstance it would be amazing. But right now, he tried to shake off a sense of foreboding even as he kept his face carefully neutral.
"Uh, thank you so much. It's uh...really, really kind of you," Sam began, stammering a little. Dean realized that the idiot was going to turn them down. Colin frowned as Sam sputtered so he jumped in before his brother could decline their amazing offer.
"I'll say. That's very generous of you and it will be nice for Sam to have a home base here where he can be close to Johnny. I look forward to swinging by to visit once he's settled in." Dean ignored the sharp look Sam shot his way. Colin laughed in relief and slapped his thighs as he stood, beaming at them both.
"Whew. Well, I'm glad we got that out of the way. Now if you'll excuse us, it's time to start getting dinner organized. We're gonna barbeque an extravaganza of meat tonight!" Sharron rolled her eyes at her husband's enthusiasm, but joined him as they moved towards the door.
"Dean really knows his way around a grill if you need a hand," Sam offered, surprising Dean. His brother was likely pissed that Dean had accepted on his behalf, especially after Sam's pronouncement from this afternoon about being a part time parent.
"Sure, the more the merrier. We could definitely use the help." Sharron paused as if waiting for Dean to follow, but he needed a moment to talk to his brother.
"Just give me a few minutes, okay?" He asked. Sharron nodded and they left, closing the door again behind them.
"What the hell was that Dean?" Sam exclaimed, jumping up to pace between the beds once their footsteps moved down the hall. "So, I'm supposed to just retire, move here and join the PTA. I let the Darkness out, and I've got a responsibility to fix what I've done. And I told you, I'm not gonna leave you behind." Sam waved his arms as he always did when he got frustrated and excited. Dean sighed. He had to make his brother see what was so obvious to Dean. He sat on the edge of his bed.
"I know that's what you said. But you have a responsibility to your son." Dean was calm and unyielding on this. Sam sputtered to a halt and opened his mouth to counter, but Dean held up a hand. "Hey, you and I - we both know what it's like to have a father who was never around." Sam looked slightly shocked and sank onto the mattress across from him, their knees almost touching.
"What? It's not like Dad ever really put us first." Dean stated softly. At one time he'd idolized the man, but after losing Bobby, he realized just how flawed Dad was as a father. He loved the man, but he had been far from reliable. Sam never did respond well to being ordered around, so he continued more quietly.
"You know Jonathan deserves a full-time Dad, Sam. Not one that will drop in every once in a while between cases like Dad did to Adam." A stricken look passed over Sam's face at the mention of their half-brother. Adam was a topic that both of them avoided, but Dean would use anything in his arsenal to convince Sam. His brother would always regret it if he left his son.
"Look, Johnny deserves to have you around all the time. And you Sammy, you deserve another crack at a normal life." His brother shook his head to deny it, but Dean knew the kid better than he knew himself. He knew Sam was listening despite himself.
"The way I see it, the best way you can make things right Sam, is to be here. Stay. Find a job. Make a life. Have a family," Dean pleaded softly with all his powers of persuasion. Sam looked up at him, tears welling in those damn puppy dog eyes.
"You, Dean. You are my family." Sam's earnest words and the emotion in his face, consoled the deepest part of Dean. Being with the people he loved was really all he'd ever longed for in life, so knowing that Sam felt that way about him filled Dean with an inexpressible joy. But that tenderness also gave him the courage to stand firm.
"I'll always be your family, Sammy." Dean let some of what he was feeling show on his face even as he forced his voice to remain steady. "Nothing's ever gonna change that."
"Then you should stay too," Sam said, his words were thick with suppressed emotion. "I don't know if I can do this alone." He instantly reminded Dean of the Sam as a little boy who used to want his big brother's approval so much. It was gratifying, but Sam was wickedly smart, eminently capable and amazingly good.
"Yeah you can," Dean affirmed with absolute confidence. He was so proud of the man his baby brother had become.
"Maybe I don't want to," Sam mumbled softly. Dean had to smile sadly, remembering back all those years ago in Palo Alto when he'd said those same words. That was a lifetime or two ago. Sam is so much stronger than Dean had been back then, stronger than Dean could ever hope to be. He stood and put a hand on the back of Sam's neck, urging the kid to meet his eyes and see the truth.
"You've got this Sammy, okay? You've got this." After a long moment, Sam sniffed and nodded. With a quick squeeze, Dean let his hand drop and then sat to pull on his boots, giving his brother a moment to wipe his eyes. Talking to his laces, Dean pushed aside the feelings of pain and loss that threatened to sweep over him. This was what was best for Sam.
"Monday morning, I'll head back to the bunker. I'll pack up your stuff and uh, Cas or I will bring it by in a couple of days, okay?" Dean risked a glance at his brother who had that desperate look he got when he was searching for solutions to an impossible situation. Damn, the kid was stubborn, but he knew that Sam staying here was the right thing to do. There was no better solution and Dean wasn't going to change his mind. It was only a matter of time before his brother came to that conclusion himself.
"Okay, but I'm going to figure something out, Dean," Sam said in a small voice that sounded far less confident than it had this afternoon. Dean sighed again. Sam was wrong, there was nothing to figure out. Sam was never going to be a full time part of his life again. His chest tightened at that thought and he felt tears sting his eyes. He had to get out of here before he made a fool of himself.
"I'll see you downstairs," he said quietly. Resolutely turning his back on Sam, he quickly slipped out of the room, leaving the kid slumped on the bed, head in his hands.
xxxxxxx
It had been a nice night. Despite the emotion of earlier and the looming separation from Dean, Sam had managed to enjoy himself. He'd helped his brother flip some burgers, eaten way too many smores and had laughed as Declan handed out tacky plastic medals to the winning teams. Everyone was comfortable and happy to linger around the campfire. Dean was talking music with Dennis and Alan, Carlos was strumming a guitar, and some of the ladies were chatting quietly about a popular TV show Sam had never watched. The kids were hyped up on marshmallows and the adults were content to let them stay up late as the peacefulness of the evening crept over everyone.
The setting sun cast a golden glow over the assembled family as Sam studied these people. For once in his life, he felt included, accepted. It was strange and so different from how he had felt yesterday, but good. He could imagine being a part of these people's lives. Sure he'd still have to hide aspects of himself from them for their own protection. But suddenly that didn't seem so difficult or wrong. Certainly no worse than the way Colin shielded them from his war time experiences or how Brian didn't share the ugliest parts of his job. No one could ever replace Dean, but the idea of being part of something beyond just the two of them and Cas was growing in appeal.
Most of the youngest MacCallums were running around the yard trying to capture some early fireflies. Jacob had handed out some plastic jars, carefully supervising to admire the catches and make sure the luminous beetles didn't get squashed by little hands. Jonathan had begged to stay up late and Fiona had grudgingly let him. But now the little guy was tugging on Sam's shirt.
"What's going on, Johnny?" he asked, trying not to smile as the little guy rubbed his eyes, and yawned so broadly that Sam was afraid he would swallow one of the glow-bugs. It was adorable.
"Up please," the boy asked, even as he scrambled, with a little help, into Sam's lap. Holding his son was still new, but felt like the best thing in the world. Jonathan's hair tickled his chin as his son snuggled against him, one small hand curled against Sam's chest while the other clutched his shirt. Johnny resisted sleep, struggling to keep his eyes open. Gently Sam stroked the boy's hair, giving himself over to the surge of love, awe and protectiveness that threatened to make him cry. He would have gladly sat there all night just to experience more of this feeling, but much too soon, Fiona was tapping his knee.
"Sam?," she whispered. "I think he'd done for the night." Johnny grumbled and turned to pout at his mother.
"I'm not tired," he complained, even as the child couldn't keep his eyes open. Sam resisted the urge to hold the boy tighter.
"Yeah, you are," Fiona chuckled and held out her hand. "C'mon Bug, let's get you to bed." Johnny climbed out of Sam's lap, clumsy with sleep. "Say goodnight to everyone," Fiona instructed the little guy.
"'Night," Johnny mumbled at the assembled family. His aunts and uncles wished him a good night and the little guy headed towards the barn under the watchful eye of his mother. But before they got very far, Jonathan turned and jogged back to Sam, throwing himself back onto his lap in a hug.
"Goodnight, Daddy. I love you," Johnny said. The words hit Sam's heart like a sledgehammer. It was the first time his son had called him that and the word rang in his ears leaving him unable to speak. Maureen gave Sam an understanding and warm smile as scooped up the sleepy child, swinging him up onto her hip.
"Goodnight, Sam. C'mon Johnny, time to go." Maureen jiggled the child as she followed Fiona to the barn.
It felt like time had slowed down, the universe had shifted and Sam's heart had cracked open. It was hard to believe that everyone around him hadn't heard it break open and reform. Surely there should be some outside sign of such a cosmic shift in his world. He was Jonathan's father. His brain understood that, but his heart had been slower to comprehend, just catching up right now. Suddenly Jonathan was his, as much a part of him as his arms or legs, and just as impossible to leave behind. Sam felt Dean's eyes on him, but when he looked over his brother seemed to be deep in conversation with Alan. What was he going to tell Dean? His thoughts were swirling and he had a lot to think about.
xxxxxxx
Even from a distance Dean had seen Johnny fighting sleep. He looked so much like little Sammy - always "not tired" and eager for just one more story even when he could barely hold his head up with exhaustion. Then his nephew had crawled into Sam's lap. After a lifetime spent with Sam, Dean had seen nearly every expression cross his brother's face. Too often, especially the last few years it had been sorrow or anger or despair. So it was nice to see Sammy happy, a softness in his look that Dean hadn't seen for a very long time.
He continued to watch surreptitiously as Sam cuddled his son, only half listening to the story Alan was telling. And then he saw it. Right then, in the moment that Johnny ran back to hug his father, Dean saw it. He didn't even know what he had been looking for until the micro expression passed across Sam's face. Sammy had decided. He was going to stay after all. Build a life with his son and the extended MacCallum family. Dean knew it. Knew it to his very bones, as certainly as he knew his own name. Sam was going to stay, and Dean would be alone. His breath caught painfully in his chest and he was surprised at how much it hurt.
Long practice of hiding his feelings kept his smile in place as the conversation continued around him. He'd thought he was prepared, thought that he'd already come to terms with Sam staying. Hell, he'd been pushing the kid in this direction all day. A family, a white picket fence, and an apple pie kind of life was everything Sam deserved. Really it was everything Dean wanted for his brother - Sam, safe and happy with a long and peaceful future. Ultimately Dean should be over the moon for his brother. But now that every shred of doubt was gone, he wasn't, he felt like his heart was being ripped out of him.
Deep down, where no one would ever know, Dean had let himself believe that he and Sam could retire someday, get a place by the water, spread their toes in the sand and let go of all the stress, and pain and horror of their lives. He had imagined growing old with Sam, finally getting a chance to just be brothers without the weight of the world bearing down on them all the time. It was a warm and fuzzy fantasy, and an unexpected wave of sorrow washed over him as he acknowledged that it was never going to happen now. Turning away to blink away the tears that suddenly sprung to his eyes, he gave himself a moment to grieve for the future he was never going to get.
When he had himself under control again, he took a deep calming breath and mentally gave himself a shake. He'd never really denied his brother anything, and he wasn't going to start now. This was good, actually. Now Sam was 100% on board with staying. And all Dean had to do now was figure out how to say goodbye.