Chapter 25: We Can Fix This
"Alexis. What the hell are you doing here?" He asked in shock as he looked up at her. She had to leave. He had to get her out of there and fast.
"You didn't come home." She said with her hand on her hip and a frown on her lips.
"Well, no. No, I didn't. We're getting divorced, Alexis." Derek reminded her as he looked into her eyes. "As in the end of our marriage."
"About that... Derek, I'm really sorry." She said as she dropped her eyes to the floor. "We can fix it. Whatever is going on, we can fix it. Forgive and forget." She told him as her blue eyes met his.
"No, Alexis. We can't. I'm sorry. I am. I'm sorry that I wasted three years of your life. I really am. But it's time." He told her firmly. He watched as the tears began to pool in her eyes.
"Derek... I can change. I can be like her." Alexis pleaded as she looked at the floor. "I can. Just tell me what to do." It made him sick. There was nothing she could do to be Meredith. There was only one. And she was his. No matter what he had to do.
"It's not like that, Lexie. You shouldn't have to change for anyone. That's what this is about. Give it some time. You'll realize how much time you wasted with me." Derek told her softly. He looked up at her. She looked so sad. But it was better this way. He didn't want to suffer anymore. And he knew if he initiated. If he pushed her, eventually, she'd fly away.
"You need to go..." He told her quickly, realizing Meredith would be coming out of the shower soon. He could only imagine what would happen if they met. The hurt that would spread throughout the room. He looked down to see the room service cart coming his way.
"Good morning, Sir." He said as he approached the door.
"Good morning." Derek said as he handed him a large tip and took the cart.
"Thank you, sir." He said with a big grin as he walked away.
"So, what do we have here... Holy shit!" Alexis said as she lifted the covers. "That bitch is here! She stayed here? You had her here with you last night?" She shouted as she looked in the room. The sheets where on the floor, pillows everywhere.
"Alexis, please leave." Derek said as he looked at her. His eyes pleaded with hers.
"I will leave when I'm good and fucking ready! Where is she? Where is the whore that's fucking my husband?" She shouted loudly. "You bitch! Come out here!" She yelled, causing a few people down the hall to look.
"Not now, Lexie." Derek said as he looked at her. "This is not the place. Not the time."
"What kind of person fucks someone else's husband?" She said as she started to cry. She peeked into the room, seeing clothes all over the floor. She looked at the jeans in a pile. A bra on the sofa. Her thong on the floor.
"God, Derek! How could you? You of all people. I thought you were a good guy. You don't do this. You-" She cried. "You bastard!" She said as she slapped him across the cheek. "I hate you!" She cried as she looked in the room in disbelief.
"Is there a problem here, sir?" A security guard said as he marched up.
"I think Ms. Samson was just leaving." Derek stated as he looked at her. He said Ms. purposely. She caught it and her eye filled with fire.
"I hate you..." She muttered as she wiped her tears in her sleeve and walked off. "You're a cheating bastard."
"Sorry." Derek muttered to the guard.
"No problem. I'll make sure she leaves." He said as he followed her down the hallway.
Derek wheeled the cart into the room. His stomach was rolling. This was really bad. If Alexis found out that it was Meredith, she would make her life hell. They would never be able to be happy. Meredith's guilt would take her over. She would be miserable. He didn't think she would take it like that. But he also didn't think she'd find out. He looked up as he watched Meredith walk out of the bathroom with a fluffy white robe on.
"I heard yelling, what's going on?" She asked as she walked up to the table.
"The neighbors were fighting. The security guard came up." Derek said as he uncovered their food.
"Oh." Meredith said with a frown. "That's not good."
"It wasn't. Not at all." Derek replied as they began to eat. He felt sick. Nauseous. He lied. He had never lied to her, and he just did. He didn't know how long he could do it. They had promised that they would never lie. And now he had.
Meredith called into work. Yes, called in. She never did that. Meredith Grey did not take sick days. She worked. Even when her body screamed, she worked. Not today. Today she called off. She was tired. Tired didn't even begin to cover it. Exhausted. Physically exhausted. Her legs had been stretched in ways that they hadn't in a long time. Her back hurt. Her hips hurt. And she hurt. Yes, he did it. He had pounded her to death.
Meredith fumbled with her keys and walked into the empty apartment. It was perfectly peaceful. She had good plans for the day. Lay in her pajamas on the sofa and watch TV She never did that. But today was that day. She took a long hot bath, soaking her body, and pulled on her favorite soft pajamas. She laid on the sofa with a throw and a pillow. The TV went on, and her brain went off. Eyes closed. She was out.
"Mer..." Mark said softly as he shook her awake.
"Go away..." She moaned as she covered her head.
"You need to go to bed. That sofa will kill you..." He said quietly.
"Can't. Don't care. Tired." She said as she rolled over.
"Tired from a long night of sex with a certain neurosurgeon?" He asked quickly.
"Seriously... Go away." She said as she covered her head with the pillow.
"I am helping you out here." He told her frankly.
"I can't get up." She muttered as she opened her eyes.
"You'll fall right back to sleep..." He reassured.
"No. I physically can't get up." She told him. "Just leave me."
"I can carry you." He said as he picked her up. A faint smile played on her lips as he carried her to the bedroom. He pulled the blankets back.
"That must have been some wild sex..." He said with a smirk.
"Seriously. Do you want to know? Okay... I am a filthy whore. I tried to resist. It didn't work. And now, I'm not even trying." She said as she rolled her eyes.
"Okay... Acceptance is good." He said with a chuckle.
"So, you're saying this is okay? Being a whore? Cheating?" She asked in disbelief.
"No. But this is- It's different, Mer." He said with a smile. "It's you and Derek."
"No, Mark. It's really not." She told him. "He's cheating on Alexis. I'm cheating on Adrien. It's bullshit." She muttered. "And I have to stop..."
"But you can't..." He added.
"Precisely..." She said with a sigh. "I'm addicted. Addicted to the man-candy."
"So, what about Adrien?" Mark asked with a raised brow.
"Do you have to make things worse? Do you set out to make a bigger stink?" She asked angrily.
"No... Well... I just like to point things out." He told her as he laid back on the bed. "I am stinky..." He laughed.
"Thanks for that." She answered as she looked at the ceiling.
"So really... What are you going to do? The dude is head over heels for you." Mark pointed out. "I had dinner with him last night. Angelo's, your favorite... It was sad. Well, more pathetic..."
"There you go again." She huffed. "I- I don't know what to do. The obvious thing is to break up with him. But I can't. For some reason, I can't."
"Oh Mer... Well, what would have happened? If Derek didn't come back, what would have happened between you two..." He asked as he looked over.
"I don't know... I do. I do know, I guess. He takes care of me. I can count on him to always be there. And if Derek hadn't come back... I- We- I can't. Not yet." She said with a sigh as she closed her eyes.
"Things can't stay this way. They can't stay in limbo. You have to choose." He told her.
"I know. But- I'm afraid. What if... He could leave. And then I would have no one." She said as the tears began to slide down her cheeks.
"He would never leave you." Mark told her frankly.
"In my heart, I know that. But my head. My head is convinced otherwise." She said sadly.
"Your heart is always right, Mer. Listen to that. This up here is crazy." He said as he pointed to her head. "It never turns off... And it is paranoid."
"I need to know... I need to know what I am doing is right." She said with a sigh.
"Well, you won't know that until the doing is done." He told her. She nodded her head. She looked over at her vibrating cellphone. Alexis. She sent it straight to voicemail. Not now. No Alexis. No Adrien. She couldn't do it right now.
Meredith stepped onto the elevator at Seattle Grace. Adrien had tried calling several times the night before. And Alexis finally gave up after midnight. She didn't want to avoid. She knew that it was best to be straightforward. But how? How do you damage so many people? How do you change the course of lives? How do you change the way they think and feel? And so, it was a personal struggle.
"Hey..." Derek said as he pushed his hand in the door and walked on.
"Hey." She muttered as she looked at the floor. He was slightly taken aback at her withdrawn state.
"So..." He said as he walked over and kissed her on the cheek. "Good morning."
"You can't do that. You can't- Damn-it!" She muttered as she looked up. "This is-" She started when the elevator came to a jerking halt. "Shit!"
"Oh no...what shall we do?" He asked with a chuckle.
"We- We do nothing." She said with a frown. "I couldn't sleep. Partially because my legs couldn't go together... Thanks for that, by the way. And because I am a whore. I feel filthy. And I- This is..."
"A mess." He agreed as he looked up.
"Yes." She said with a sigh.
Derek stood there looking at the floor. He couldn't sleep last night either. But his was for an entirely different reason. Not because of Alexis. Hell, he didn't care if she knew. He was hoping it would get it into her head. No, he couldn't sleep because he had lied. He had lied to Meredith. He had never done it, and it killed him. He promised he never would, and he broke his promise. He looked up at her and finally spoke.
"I have to tell you something..." He said as he looked into her green eyes. At least she was trapped. She couldn't run. Not now.
"What..." She said, reading into the concern that was plastered on his face.
"I lied." He said as his eyes took on a saddened shade of blue.
"You lied?" She said as her face dropped.
"To you. I lied." He said sadly. "Yesterday..."
"You lied to me..." She said in disbelief.
"Yesterday, when you heard the fighting at the hotel... It wasn't next door. It was Alexis. She found out where I was staying. She figured out that you were there. Well, not you. Someone. She figured out that someone was there with me." He said letting all of the air out of his lungs.
"What?" Meredith said in a panic.
"I'm sorry I lied. I just- I knew that if I told you... I knew it would ruin what we had. It would ruin the perfect night..." Derek said sadly.
"The perfect night of adulterous sex?" She shouted as the tears began to fall.
"Meredith... It wasn't like that." Derek said sadly. "And you know it!"
"She's going to find out. Damn-it!" She said as she hit the wall with her fist. Derek looked at her with wide eyes. "It's just a matter of time. Then- You'll leave. Adrien will-" She started to struggle to breathe. She looked up as the elevator started to move. "Why? Why lie?" She cried as she the bell dinged as she ran off.
"Mer..." He shouted. She didn't turn around as she ran off.
Derek ran his hand through his thick curls. I could have gone better. A lot better. But it didn't. And no matter what, he knew it was the right thing. And hopefully she would understand that. He couldn't hold the lie in. It would eat him up. That would have festered inside of him. He had promised, and he didn't want to break that promise.
"Hey..." Adrien said as he walked up to Derek.
"Oh, hey." Derek said as he glanced up. Now he could deal. He could look at him with a straight face because Meredith was his. From day one she was his, period.
"How are things?" Adrien said as he looked up at Derek.
"Good, very good." Derek answered with nothing better to say.
"How's Alexis?" Adrien questioned. "I haven't seen her in a few days..."
"I wouldn't know. We're getting divorced. I haven't been home in days." Derek said matter of factly.
"Oh... I'm so sorry." Adrien said in complete and utter shock.
"Don't be. It's for the best." Derek muttered as he grabbed a chart.
"Can I ask why?" Adrien asked frankly.
"I'm in love with someone else." Derek said quickly. "And I have a patient. Have a good day..."
"You too." Adrien said as he watched him walk off. He stood there in shock, he couldn't believe it.
Meredith stood in the doorway and watched Derek and Adrien talk. She couldn't believe that Derek could be so at ease. He looked like he didn't have a care in the world. She sighed as she looked at the two men. One she loved more than anything in the world. The other she cared about more than anyone would ever understand. And now, she had a mess.
"Hey..." She said as she walked up to Adrien.
"Hello, there." He said as he kissed her softly.
"Derek's getting divorced." Adrien spat out, still in shock.
"Really?" Meredith feigns surprise. "Why?"
"It was strange. He said that he was in love with someone else. I wonder who." Adrien said as he looked around.
"I don't know..." Meredith said as her stomach knotted over and over again.
"I'm really surprised that Alexis hasn't said anything to you." Adrien said as he looked into her eyes.
"Yeah..." Meredith muttered as she looked up. She grabbed her stomach.
"You okay?" He asked as he put his hand on her back.
"I-" She said as she pulled the trash can over and retched.
"Mer..." He said as he rubbed her back.
"I'm okay..." She said as she wiped her mouth.
"Maybe you should go home." He said softly.
"No. I'm okay. Really, I'm fine." She said as she looked into his eyes.
"You don't look it." He said frankly. "Why don't you go get some crackers..."
"Maybe I will." She said with a smile as she started to turn away.
"Good. I'll see you in OR 3." He said as he kissed her softly and walked away.
"Okay..." She said as she walked away with her hand on her stomach. It would be so much easier if Adrien was a jerk.
Meredith trudged down the stairs. She didn't want to take the elevator. She didn't want to talk to anyone. She was even avoiding her interns. It was all building, and it felt like everyone knew what she was doing in her spare time.
She looked down the stairwell, seeing it empty. She sighed as she sat down on the step. Head in hands she began to cry. At first it was a tear. A single tear. Then she let it go. Her body shook. The tears fell hard. It was all there. All her emotions bubbled to the top. Derek. Adrien. Alexis. Derek. Adrien. Alexis.
"Are you okay?" Dina Eastman said as she sat down next to her. Meredith gasped as she looked up. Her red eyes looked into Dina's.
"I'm fine..." She said softly.
"Dr. Grey... Whatever it is, I'm sure it will be fine." Dina told her as she rubbed her back.
Meredith looked at her and dropped her head. She was vulnerable. She was in the position to be devoured. To be the laughingstock of Seattle Grace. But something about Dina made her feel okay.
"How? How will it be fine?" She muttered as she dropped her head. She didn't hear the loud footsteps behind her.
"Dr. Grey..." Derek said as he looked down at her. He looked at Dina, who had an I have-no-idea-what-is-going-on look on her face. He looked at her and nodded for her to go. She smiled as she stood and walked out the nearest door.
"Mer..." He said as he sat down.
"I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm being pulled in every direction." She said with a deep sigh.
"It's okay." He told her.
"No. No it's not. And I don't know how it can be..." She said as she stood up, holding her stomach. "It's... Wow..." She muttered as she walked down the stairs.
"Mer..." He said as he watched her walk off without a pause.
Derek laid back on his bed at the Archfield. He was working as late as he could. He didn't have anyone to come home to. Meredith. She's the one that he wanted to come home to. But after the episode in the stairwell, he decided to let her stew. He knew that talking to her at this point wasn't going to help anything. Not yet. Even though she was upset about his lie, he was still glad he told her.
He could turn on the television. But he's not that kind of guy. With Meredith he watched TV Mostly because he could pull her body next to his and feel her faint breathing, feel her soft heartbeat, smell that lavender scent that was uniquely hers. So, without her, there was no sitting on the sofa. He was never home enough to sit with Alexis. He always made sure there was just one more thing to do. Just in case...
He looked over at his vibrating phone. It moved ever so slightly across the bedside table. It wasn't one of those cheap motel tables. It was a nice table. It was a nice hotel. And he felt more comfortable there than at home. He grabbed his phone up and looked at the screen. Alexis's smiling face was on the screen. He took a deep breath and flipped it open.
"Hello?" He said as she closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose.
"You finally answer." She said softly as she laid in their empty bed in their broken-down, empty house. It was full, full of things. Material things. Things that didn't matter. It was empty of things that mattered. It was empty of love. Empty of happiness. Empty of joy. Just empty.
"I've been busy." He muttered as he looked at the inside of his eyelids.
"I just-" She said with a sigh. "I can forgive you." She told him in almost a whisper as she exhaled.
"What?" Derek said, not getting where she was going.
"I can forgive you. For the sex. For the girl." She replied. "Just- Come home. Please just come home. We can work it out. We can go to the marriage counselor. We can make this work."
"Alexis... No. We can't. I'm sorry... I know it hurts you, but I'm not coming home. We're not going to fix this." He told her frankly, yet nicely.
"Just tell me what to do. I can make you happy. I can do what you want me to..." She said as her eyes started to tear up.
"Alexis... Please don't cry..." He said, feeling not guilty, but sad. Sad that she can't understand. Sad that she can't do anything on her own. Sad that she thinks she needs someone.
"Don't cry? Don't cry... How can you say that? Three years. Three years I have been with you. I tried like hell. I changed everything. I did whatever I thought would make you happy. I cut my hair, I went to the gym, went on a diet. I did anything to get just a glance. Any attention. And now in two weeks, you are smiling! Two weeks with this girl and you sleep at night. You smile. You're pleasant. You ask me for a divorce. Two weeks and she did what I couldn't in three years... I don't understand." She said as she sobbed softly.
"I love her." He said honestly. "I have loved her forever..." He muttered with a faint smile as he thought about her. The way the light shines off her hair. Or the way her face looks when covered in rain droplets. The way her eyes changed colors depending on her mood. And Lola. He even loved her.
"Two weeks... And you love her?" She asked in disbelief. "You've loved her forever... Where did she go?"
"It's a-" Derek started.
"She probably doesn't care about you." She said angrily.
"You won't understand it. It's not like that." He said with a sigh. "I have an appointment at the attorney's tomorrow... I really don't want to hurt you. I care about you. I don't want to see you in pain."
"I am." She said as she whimpered. "I am in pain..."
"It'll stop. It will go away. Once you find someone who you truly love, and loves you back... I won't even be a thought in your head. You will be okay..." He told her softly.
"Derek..." Alexis whimpered.
"Goodnight, Lexie..." He said as he flipped his phone shut.