just a little chapter to feed u
Lan Wangji was dreaming. He knows it's a dream because his hands are peach and the nails blunt and trim. He knows it's a dream because the world is duller in his senses and his teeth don't have that dull ache that creeps in at times. He knows… because across from him is a version of him so very much like himself and yet not. The black ink lining his face spilling onto white robes and those eyes are so cold and yet bright to a point of being unnerving.
They're in the Jingshi and on the table is a dead black rabbit.
"Eat," The tiger says gesturing to the dead rabbit that's dead eyes stare back at him.
"I don't eat meat unless I have to."
Another rabbit white with black spots is presented to the table. "Then this?"
Mockery! Disgusting! How dare his mind present such an image. "I will not touch unless I have to."
"But we do. Our shape is falling apart and eventually, our mind will as well."
Lan Wangji turns his head in annoyance. What use is repeating the obvious? What use in saying what he knows? "We've held on because our heart is strong but what about when this starts to whittle at our mind at not just our body. When that happens, we will eat someone."
"Nonsense."
"When that happens, someone will die."
"Quiet."
"When that happens who will we eat first? Brother or maybe A-Yuan either will be a tragedy? Or maybe we'll finally bite of Jiang Wanyin's annoying dog head."
That dead spotted rabbit staring back at him. Those dead eyes of the third white rabbit next to it. The smell of blood in his nose and he's drooling… he's- no composure. This is a dream! A fantasy. A nightmare.
His ribbon- it's gone!
"This is a warning." The tiger says gripping at his robes with sharp teeth smiling. Smiling in a way Lan Wangji would never himself as it holds the black rabbit up, "Eat the rabbit. If you eat them then the human part of us will be restored and this will end."
"Or else in the coming months our mind will rot from the inside out till everything we strived for in cultivation crumbles to ash and dust and we are either killed in mercy or locked away in a cage sleeping in the sun."
That rabbit.
That black rabbit with its glazed over red eyes looking at him. That drool is pouring and he hates it! Disgusting! Disgusting! No, he's better than this.
He's better. Those hands bring the soft head right to his mouth and those velvet furry ears and lovely rabbit features he adores touch his skin.
Eat it
"If we don't eat the black rabbit then it will eat us. If you don't when master finally wakes up properly he'll devour you."
Master? He panting, why? Why is he breathing so hard? Why is his body shaking and his skin sweating? Why is he holding the rabbit? Why does the tiger keep getting larger and larger and him smaller?
His teeth are aching and- and- and the rabbit- black rabbit- his black rabbit- meal- food- threat- kill it! Kill it! Kill it!
If you kill him, you'll be free
Lan Wangji screamed and threw the rabbit on the ground, "I already resigned myself to this fate. I am fine with it. I don't need this or your lies! I will not lie to myself."
The tiger is now impossibly large with fur lining his face and a large split tail sweeping across the room, "Fine but when he kills you; when that mind of yours is gone remember I warned you."
Lan Wangji woke up a moment later in a cold sweat to Mo Xuanyu's hand smacking him in his sleep after rolling completely off his bedroll. A nightmare! A nightmare that also… felt like a warning. A nightmare about- his mind is stinging again. His time must be coming up because through all the slow groaning pain of his changes consistent headaches are new.
As new as a dream like that was- what was it again? What… why is he struggling to recall?
A black rabbit… I can remember that much.
"A black rabbit will eat me?"
The only black rabbit he'd ever really known was one, even if technically in the Warren there were others. Even if technically there was a black rabbit in the field of the one's he took care of once they were thrown out.
The only one that would ever matter was Wei Ying.
He puts Mo Xuanyu back in properly both to be polite and because he wants him to be comfortable. Asleep it's easiest to see how much it's not Wei Ying even if the gestures are similar and the tastes and style of dress. It's an annoyance seeing something so similar and so wrong.
Recite precepts and focus on what matters. Lan Wangji must ground himself after such a dream.
Nightmare. A horrid nightmare. He'll focus on what today's travels will be like and how he'll choose to deal with the annoyance that is Mo Xuanyu. The way this man seems to taunt him with the ghost of Wei Ying like a cruel joke.
His mind. What part of that will fade first? He knows bits and details of what is like and all have horrified him but he had made his peace. Truly he had. He'd been feeling fine but perhaps that's because his mind had not been torn yet.
A tragedy? Story of my life.
He could go back to sleep but he lays there just frustrated. Not with anyone just with things. Foul play in Wei Ying's death he had been certain of but the idea that their son, that all those people, were living a lie where they believed their humanity wasn't worth anything.
He'd poured all the love and affection he could muster into Lan Sizhui's life. Done everything to hold him in his arms and make him feel like a person.
And in the end, it wasn't nature that would take him but someone else pulling strings.
Someone else playing with his child's fate.
It was enough to boil his blood. To fill him with rage as he ground his teeth only to focus on his rules on the order he has learned to not treat so seriously. To treat as it really is.
In the end, he ends up mulling over old memories till dawn. Memories of a boy he loved and a man he had wanted to cherish.
Mo Xuanyu's snoring static in the background.
Jin Ling huffed in annoyance. Ever since the incident a few nights ago his uncle won't let him out of his sight. Not one bit! No, if Jin Ling so much as moves then Uncle's head turns to glare daggers at him. Honestly, he's not a little kid anymore.
"Do you even realize what's happening to you? The severity of your condition?"
"Then you can just teach me how to move in between like you do if it's that serious." Jin Ling rolled his eyes and bit into his food. He's not even allowed to eat with everyone instead sequestered to his room entirely. "I know this bad but it can't be that awful."
It's not like Jin Ling isn't absolutely terrified by all of this but it hasn't happened again and he can't spend the rest of his like locked away in seclusion. He's not some tragic Gusu Lan with a bleeding heart!
It annoys him. All of it.
Jiang Wanyin's eyes are shining like they do when he may shift from pure frustration. "Jin Ling, this isn't funny. I told you this shouldn't even be happening at your age. Your golden core is developed but enough to change your body is not natural."
"I'm turning into a monster apparently. None of this is fucking natural!"
"Don't you use that fucking language with me."
"You're not my dad so stop bossing me around."
And there goes the table. Cracked completely by uncle's fist. At least he'd been holding his bowl at the time because sadly this common enough that Jin Ling has learned that is best to keep his food in his lap most the time manner be damned. Sometimes the hell of tables breaking is enough to say social norms and manners aren't worth it.
God, why did he say that? Why did… Jin Ling swallows and pulls away waiting for the anger and the explosion.
The fangs are out but they fall away as uncle curls in and pulls at his grey hairs. He leaves him just as quick, "No- wait I didn't mean-"
"No. You were perfectly clear," uncle says and the door shuts a booming thud.
Shit. Shit. How could he say something like that? How could he say something- it's true but uncle both his uncles have been like a father to Jin Ling. Both have been a guide in the dark no matter how far away and here he is being a screwup and hurting Uncle Wanyin most of all.
He eats only because he's hungry but all he can think about is how miserable he is in all this. His hands stroke Fairy and he wonders for maybe the millionth time if being a dog would be better. No getting tripped over his tongue at the very least.
He hates this. Hates being locked up like this. Hates what he said and the apology that will come. Jin Ling is just full of anger and frustrations that he doesn't know what to do with.
By the end of it all, he's sneaking out with Fairy at his heels and the idea that he'll night hunt. He'll train and do something to prove it's fine.
He's fine and strong.
I'm not a monster. I'm not animal or anything
And I'm going to prove not just that but also how strong I am.
I'm not running away.
No, he's being strong and stubborn. Brave.
Jin Ling would never know the panic he'd ignited in everyone. The panic and the rage when the sect leader of the Jiang Sect came back to an empty room and was not able to find them.
"Look and bring him back!" And the disciples loyal to Jin Guangyao panicked because they did not want to experience death and being eaten. The Dogs panicked because the precious little pearl of their sect was gone, even if he could be a brat, and their leader distressed.
"Jin Ling, you moron. We don't know how much you need yet to maintain your body."
If Jin Ling changes in front of civilians or even just the wrong cultivators…
No, that's not happening. Not on their watch.