The first few days of November pass the same as October: awkward, strange, unnerving, painful.
The first few days, after Alice says she doesn't hate me, I'm full of hope and excitement, I almost bounce to the car that Monday morning. I have on my prettiest boots and warmest sweater and boy am I glad.
"Hi," I say to everyone but my gleaming, hope filled eyes find Alice's disgusted ones.
"Hi, baby," Edward whispers into my hair, towering over me to kiss my head as he walks to the driver's side.
"Hey, B," Jas says over a too-big mouthful of strawberry pop tart. The crumbs decorate his lips and his chin and the bleach stained tee shirt that he makes look way too cool. His shaggy hair, wet from his shower, falls in his eyes.
Alice stares at me blankly. I shake her off and climb into the front seat.
"You're going to catch a cold," I tell Jasper.
"I'll be alright," he grumbles over another too-big bite.
"I've never seen anyone eat a pop tart in one a half bites," I joke.
No one says anything else on the ride in. Edward sometimes bumps my thigh with his fingers. Jasper occasionally clears his throat and the weird vibe in the car thickens.
The second Edward pulls into his spot, Alice leaps out like she can't bear the thought of being stuck with us any longer. Like she'll absolutely die if she spends any more time with us. With me.
"3:05, sharp, Alice! If you're late, I'll leave your ass here!" Edward calls, storming out of the car like his sister.
"I thought we were passed this?" I ask Jas, collecting my bag and slowly facing the school.
"Me, too," he sighs, "but last night was a blow up of epic proportions, Bella. Shit was nuts. Can't believe you guys didn't hear it at your house."
Jasper walks over and throws his heavy, warm arm around my shoulders, pulling me closer, choosing me right now.
Last night I ate dinner with my parents, helped mom with some painting stuff in the basement, and watched a movie with my dad before tucking in for the night. If they heard anything, no one alerted me.
"No one called me," I say lowly, confused, hurt.
"Alice is… Alice. And Edward is…"
"Edward?" I finish, half laughing half hurt.
"Different. Shit wasn't about you last night. I mean, it was, but it was mostly about Arizona."
"Arizona? That was years ago. You mean to tell me she isn't over that yet?"
"I don't think she ever dealt with it to get over it, ya know what I mean? How often did she ever talk about it? What Edward did? What he was like? I know he told you, but did she ever?"
I purse my lips and miss the warmth of his big arm as he pulls the door open and lets me in first.
"I guess not," I admit. "In all the years she's been my friend, she never once ever talked about the stuff Edward did… unless it was to him."
Jasper nods in agreement. "She only recently opened up to me, B."
"I wish she would've opened up to me. I guess I wasn't that great of a friend, huh? I never pushed for her side because I was getting his." My eyes turn to glass and my heart squeezes so gently it feels like the worst kind of bat wings in my chest cavity. "I wasn't a very good friend," I reiterate.
Jas walks me to my locker. We're quiet as he says nothing, but I look up and he smiles. "You're too good for us," he says honestly, ruffling my hair to make me smile but it makes me sort of mad because I spent a lot of time straightening it this morning.
"Fuck off," Edward says, walking up behind me and placing a reassuring hand on my hip. He pulls me back to him and smooths the crown of my hair down with his other hand. "But you're right. She is too good for us."
There's something unspoken between them, and I don't ask what it is. I let them have it. I let them talk with their eyes and brows and twitches of their lips.
When they're done, I lean back to kiss Edward when Mr. Jones walks by.
"Ms. Swan, Mr. Cullen, please refrain from any public displays of anything so early in the morning… or any time."
Edward flips him the bird behind his back and I smack his arm down with a giggle.
"Please be at the car as fast as you can today, B. We have to be dressed and ready for practice by 3:30. If we're late, we all have to run an extra mile. The team will kill me." He's nuzzling my neck and the grip on my hip tightens.
His friend clears his throat. "I know you two like to get off on others watching, but gross."
My blush blazes and Edward simply chuckles in my ear. "Jas, for real, tell Alice I'm peeling out at 3:05 with or without her ass."
The bell for first period rings and I begrudgingly part from my boys, walk into class, and bypass Alice's new desk. She's making friends with a girl she used to pick on last year. I shake my head and get to work.
~!~
No lunch for me today, Pretty. Logging extra time in the gym.
Panic floats around my throat and I feel like I'm drowning. I haven't been to lunch without since we were a thing. I'm nervous without Edward, Alice will start something.
It's lunch time and I take a lot of time in line, talking to some girls about a project in English, answering prying questions about me and my boyfriend, avoiding my ex-ish best girl at the table. There's one spot left next to Jas who's next to Alice and I'm freaking. We haven't sat this close at lunch—at school—in weeks and weeks.
"I saved this spot for you," Jas yells over the commotion. Alice doesn't flinch away from the conversation with Jake.
I sit next to him and wonder how Alice doesn't freak out that he still maintains the same level of familiarity with me, and then my question is answered.
"I guess you didn't listen to anything I told you earlier," Alice says, sitting back with crossed arms and a crossed heart.
"Babe," he reasons.
"Don't babe me, Jasper."
And that's that. It's not a scene, not even everyone at our table heard what happened, but I did, and that's all the matters.
I eat quietly, forcefully, swallowing the lump in my throat with each bite.
White noise from my heart tries to drown out the screams from my brain and the noise of the cafeteria over stale pizza and mixed vegetables.
Jasper's voice breaks through it all. "He's working out now so he can have off Saturdays."
"Why does he want off Saturdays?"
There's a nudge at my elbow and Jas gives me that come on look with a roll of his eyes. "So he can spend them with you, Bella."
He brightens me up like he meant to all along. When he notices my smile, he gives me one back.
The rest of the day actually flies. Two tests and a project later, we're sitting quietly in Edward's car just me, my guy, and his sister. Edward takes the corner of our street a little too fast as he's on a time crunch and his sister scoffs and huffs. I smile a little bit and he gives me a wink.
The second he pulls up next to our houses, Alice hops out and runs for the door. I hang back so I can kiss him properly.
After the third one, he tells me, "can we pick this up later, B? I really gotta go."
It's 3:14 and I know he's pushing it.
"Call me later?"
"Always," he tells me.
And he does.
~!~
The week passes much the same. Tuesday and Wednesday, Edward logs more time in the gym during lunch and it's not that bad, I guess. Rose and I talk about dumb stuff like Emmett's tongue and her new belly button ring. Jake sits next to me once and says, "you know, I always liked you". Paul accidentally kicks my feet under the table only I don't think it was actually an accident because when I look up, he's smiling but I'm not and when Jasper notices, he shakes his head at his teammate.
"Not smart, dude," he warns, chomping his way down to the end of a celery stick. His eyes burn into Paul's who has never once shown any interest in me.
"I'm not doing anything."
Paul taps my foot with his again and I'm kinda-sorta getting mad because these are new flats and he's getting November-mud all over them.
When I pull my foot back and sit up straighter, Jas looks annoyed with Paul. "Lay off or her boyfriend will make your ass into a hat."
Paul rolls his eyes. "Whatever."
Jas looks at me with are you okay eyes and I nod. Paul's never said more than 10 words to me in all the years I've known him, so I'm taken aback at his sudden interest if I can even call it that.
Alice isn't looking, but she's quiet and her heads down as she picks at an orange.
By the end of the day, they're waiting on me. It's only 3:03, but Alice looks like she's been here for an hour as she picks at the skin around her nails in boredom and Edward smiles a hurry the hell up, Pretty smile and not his usual I love you more than all the freckles on this earth smile.
Thursday brings another day of monotony.
At lunch, Rose and Em are in the library. Jas and Al whisper hushed words down the table. Jake smiles a bored smile. Paul straightens when he sees me and I instantly regret my choice of black leggings and this not long enough sweater.
Because there are open seats at the table, I put some space between me and Jas and Alice and me and Jake and Paul. I'm almost half way done with my lunch when Paul tosses his empty carton of tea at my tray.
"Sorry, princess, didn't see you there," he says with a smirk.
I don't know why, but I give him the attention he's after. "Princess?"
"Aren't you one? Long silky hair, beautiful eyes, curves that would make the queen cry. Only thing your missing is—"
"My prince?" I finish.
"Yeah," he croons, smiling and licking his lips slowly.
"You're right, he's practicing in the gym for ball right now. I'm actually on my way to see him right now. I'll tell him you said hi." I'm standing and pushing my chair back by now. I dump my tray and Jasper throws me a proud smile over her shoulder.
I book it to the gym. I've never been in the weight room, I'm not even sure I know how to get there, but when I enter the quiet gymnasium, I can hear the grunts and metal hitting metal from a mile away. Slowly, I creep down the long hall, down the stairs, into the dingy, musty, boy-sweat polluted room to find my prince shirtless, gym shorts hung low on his ever-defined waist. A thin sheen coats his mid-section and I'm a goner.
His headphones plug his ears, so he can't hear me. I press my back against the gray wall and watch as he adjusts weights on the smith machine, putting them back along the wall.
He maneuvers to the floor, on a black mat, and counts breathily. "One, two, three, four…" as he does the fastest set of 50 sit ups I've ever seen. Mirrors line the other side and I'm surprised he hasn't caught me yet, but he's so focused I'm kind of not surprised.
After 50, he sits up slowly, stretching his legs as he bypasses the ellipticals, treadmills, and stair steppers. More metal clinks together as he puts weight after weight on the long bar, and sets it in place with a thick metal clip. My attention is focused on the way his arms bulge and the pulse in my undies.
I don't even realize I'm walking closer until I'm at the front of the bench where he's lying flat and then his eyes meet mine. At first there's a moment of surprise and then it switches instantly to mischief. He does three more before resting the weight bar between metal and sitting up.
"Like what you see, Pretty?" His voice is rough and breathy as he pulls earbuds from his ear. When he sits back, I see the tent in his mesh shorts.
"Yeah," I breathe, running my hand through my hair.
"Well, shit," he laughs, "if seeing me like this gets you all hot bothered, you can come down anytime you want."
I smile back at him, but I'm still watching the way his shorts grow tighter around his hardness.
"Can I?" I ask, already kneeling.
"You want to blow me here? Now?" he asks incredulously.
I nod slowly, reaching for the waist band of his shorts.
"Fuck," he hisses when my hand makes contact. He pulls himself out and it slaps against his sweaty stomach. "Hurry," he whispers, "there's a class in here after lunch."
I glance at him, putting my tongue around the head, swallowing it whole, going as deep as I can. His hand weaves through my hair and he never breaks eye contact. I set the pace faster, sucking deeper, harder. I use my hand to squeeze what doesn't fit in my mouth. He groans softly, and I can tell he's holding back. I close my eyes to enjoy the feeling of him filling my mouth fully. My tongue drags against the underside, my teeth scrape softly against the engorged head from my speed. I look up through my lashes and his legs stiffen. I feel him swell and his hips jerk.
Stilling looking up, cheeks hollow, tongue running down his shaft, I moan over his shaft. Our eyes lock and it's the most intense, pure moment I've ever been in. He's looking into me like I'm his Goddess. His eyes whisper I love you, his hand in my hair tells me you're everything, his mouth grunts out "swallow every drop" so I do. I don't know why, but the demand makes it hotter, and I'm more eager than ever to obey.
He explodes in my mouth forcefully with days worth of buildup. Stream after stream of sticky, hot liquid shoots down my throat. I never look away. I kiss and suck and massage his shaft even after he goes soft.
Edward has to pull himself from my lips with an oversensitive growl and then he's backing me against a wall, his lips everywhere on my face but my own lips, and I wonder briefly if it's because his cock was just there. My lips are swollen-red and well loved, and when he finally places his lips on mine, tasting himself, I grind my pelvis against anything it can find.
His fingers jerk my sweater up so his hand has room to slip into my leggings. Anticipation sits on my chest like a pile of feathers, tickling my arms and my neck and my low, low belly. His fingers touch my damp cotton undies, one finger rubs against my clit, and then he freezes.
"You're such a fucking liar, dude," one voice calls from the long hallway.
"I'm telling you man, she let me put it up her butt," the other insists.
My tiny fist clenches and pounds the wall next to me. Edward chuckles and kisses me once more before grabbing my hand and his shirt as we make our way out of the room.
"Sup, Cullen," one of the guys says. I recognize him from the team, but I don't know his name.
"Later," he says, pulling me past them and back into the gym.
"I have to shower, B."
He kisses my forehead and then my cheek and before he can get to my lips, Mr. Marrow, the gym teacher, yells, "Knock it off, pansy!"
Edward smiles and kisses me anyways.
"I'll bench you for the first game," Mr. Marrow yells back, closing the distance between us.
Edward glances up and shakes his head. "No you won't, Coach."
Mr. Marrow grins and shakes his head. "I didn't know the Bella you go on and on about was Bella Swan."
He looks to me. Mr. Marrow is the gym teacher and never really interacted with me. Ever. I'm surprised he even knows my last name.
"Yep," I explain awkwardly.
"Hit the shower, Cullen. You're going to be late to sixth period again and I'm done writing you slips."
"See you at three, Pretty," he tells me again, kissing my temple, jogging to the boy's locker room.
We walk half the stretch from the back of the gym to the exit in silence. It's awkward, or maybe I'm making it that way.
"Edward's a good kid," Mr. Marrow explains like I don't already know.
"He is."
"He's got real talent. He'll go far."
"He will."
When we make it to the exit, and I'm two feet into the hall, Mr. Marrow says something that catches me off guard.
"If he's not distracted."
That comment sticks to me all day like epoxy.
Was he warning me?
Why would he meddle in our relationship?
Is this something I should bring up to Edward?
It's 2:57, and I'm slamming my locker shut when I decide it's not. For now.
I see Alice already in the backseat and Edward has all but taken his foot off the break. How the hell does she get down here before me? I check my phone. It's only 3:01. We're early today.
In the car, Edward grabs my hand and asks, "is Paul fucking with you?"
"Huh?"
"Is Paul Lahote fucking with you?"
"I mean, not really. At lunch the last two days he's been… weird, but I didn't think too much about it."
Edward sits quietly, driving a bit slower today, gripping my hand in his.
He turns right onto our block and asks, "do I need to put him in his place?"
I burn bright with his concern and… excitement?
"I don't think," I whisper as Alice scoffs.
Edward glances in the rearview at his sister.
"Can you sneak out later, B, like after seven when I get home form practice?" he asks.
"I'm not sure."
"Tell your parents you forgot you have a project to work on with Alice. I haven't seen you, B. I miss your little laugh and your cold toes and the curl of your lashes."
"Okay," I whisper.
I can almost hear the roll of Alice's eyes as she opens her door and runs for her house before the Honda has even stopped.
"My parents are at a fundraiser for the night," he says, kissing me with soft, buttery lips.
"I'll see you later," I tell him.
Mom asks me to go grocery shopping with her when I walk in the door, and I tell her I just have to change. I slip into a gray, long sleeved dress, pull on a sweater, then my boots, and we're out the door.
She asks me how things are going at school, if she can paint my room, and what kind of snacks I want. Conversation flows easy and fun and she even tells me dad's getting off early tonight. I can tell she's excited. Dad's been working a lot of longer hours due to budget cuts and layoffs. It's hard on their marriage, I'm sure, as he's not home a lot.
"Why don't you guys go on a vacation this winter? Dad works so hard. You both deserve some alone time. Maybe to Hawaii, or Florida, or the Bahamas?" I suggest, deciding between Cheetos Puffs and Cheetos Crunchy.
"It's funny you say that, Bella, because I was looking into going on a short trip after the holidays."
I nod my head and decide on crunchy.
"Good idea, mom. Want me to see if I can stay at Rose's?"
Mom smiles and nods. "Thanks for being so understanding, honey."
I shrug. What's not to understand?
At home, mom makes an easy dinner. I offer to clean up so they can watch a movie together. I'm putting the last dish away as I catch the red numbers on the stove read 6:47. Mom and dad giggle like teenagers in the living room as I attempt to leave to the house.
"I, uh, forgot I have a project to work on with Alice. She just texted me. Can I go over to her house?" I'm fidgety and nervous. Mom knows Alice and I aren't on the best terms, so I wonder if she'll put up a fight.
"You forgot you have a project due tomorrow right now?" dad questions.
"I mean, it's just that—"
"Oh, let her go, Charlie," mom pushes. "I want to show you something in the basement anyways," she whispers probably only for him but she's a glass and a half of wine drunk.
When she gets up, Dad says, "go on."
I grab my phone, backpack, and throw on my shoes. More giggles come from my mom and then a bark of laughter from my dad as he slams the basement door closed.
I book it outside and run towards the house next door. Edward's car isn't in the driveway yet, and I contemplate briefly if I should wait outside, but the wind whips against my bare legs and I ultimately decide to go inside.
Alice is in the kitchen eating dinner quietly, alone, working on homework. If she sees me, she doesn't let on. I say nothing as I walk up the steps to his room. Both Edward's and Alice's doors are shut. When I grab the handle to open his, a voice stops me.
"Why did you do this?" It's a small, quiet, accusatory question.
I take a deep breath, refusing to turn around, refusing to fall to her feet and grovel. I've already spent too much time sulking and crying and mending a heart that keeps rebreaking. At some point, you have to call it. Doctors do it all the time. Hours of working tirelessly on a heart or an organ that fails in the end anyway only to have to exhaustedly call time of death. I think maybe it's time to call it on us.
I do. I call time of death the second I open his door and refuse to look behind me. Tears sting my eyes, but not too many because I've already cried angry, sad, heartbroken tears over her, over us, over this. It's two months of non-stop knots in my belly, wondering who I'll sit with in class, who I'll eat lunch with when Rose is with Emmett, who I'll buy Christmas presents for. It's two months of one-sided pleas, one-sided heartbreak, one-sided apologies.
I shut the door to his bedroom with a hushed click and then hear the pads of feet walk past his door, her door, and calmly up to the third floor.
His bedroom is warm and athletic and relaxed. Dark, fresh cologne mixes with clean laundry and I curl up on his bed, scrolling through Facebook.
Pictures of us, pictures of Rose, pictures of Jas fill my feed. Rose posts that her dad, who she never sees, bought her a new car. I press love. Jas says he stubbed his finger and posts a picture of black and purple bruises around his left pinky. I press sad. Edward posts a picture of his new number 17 jersey with Cullen written on the back and a wink face. I press nothing because his door is opening and he's there, smiling, dropping his backpack and gym bag, and smiling so high I might die.
"You came," he tells me with more happiness than I deserve.
I offer a reassuring smile and a nod of my head.
"I need to shower, baby. Give me a few minutes."
He strips and flings his dirty clothes in the hamper in his bathroom. I watch from his bed as his silhouette washes his hair, scrubs his face, travels farther down his belly to press on the shadow growing longer by the minute. I smile because he's doing the same to me only he can't see mine, thank god.
"I love you," I call to him as he rinses his body quickly and shuts off the water.
"I love you, Pretty B."
He towel dries and when he's done, he wraps it around his hips.
I'm laying flat on my back, on his bed, with my legs crossed. My dress falls open, but I don't care.
His eyes fall to smallest peak of blue cotton as it peaks out between crossed legs. The burn of his eyes feels like the hottest lightbulb against my skin as drinks in my legs, the swell of my bottom, my hips, my breasts, my neck.
Before I know it, his thighs hit against the mattress and his hands around my hips pull my body so that my bottom rests just off the mattress.
"Edward?" I ask.
Usually he climbs on top of me. Kisses me while kneeling between my thighs. Rubs himself against my leg.
This is new.
Dilated-blues and the longest lashes I've ever seen hold my gaze as his fingers tickle up my thigh to wrap around the edges of my underwear. He doesn't blink, and I don't even breathe, as he pulls the fabric from my body. He places either foot on the edge of the bed, and when my dress hides what he's dying to see, he flings it up.
He takes his thumb and rests it against my clit. I forget to breathe again. The width of his thumb parts my lips and coolness lays against my soaking hot center. He watches my face as he presses harder. When I begin to roll my hips, he doesn't stop me.
I take what I can from him. He has me so on edge from just his thumb. I use my feet to kick away his towel and watch as his cock bounces up and out and it's so long and I think about the way he told me to swallow every drop earlier and then I'm coming against his thumb which he moves in slow, hard circles as I convulse and tighten and spread my legs then close them shut.
He kneels so his face is at my center and takes long, hard swipes with his tongue from bottom to top, circles my clit, and then back down. He puts his entire mouth over me and sucks, swiping against me with his tongue, and I fall apart against him again.
When he stands, he licks his mouth with his tongue and coats his cock in my wetness before sliding into me.
"Oh," I whimper as he slides in against my walls which try to make room but can't.
He's almost all the way in before he gives me slow, deep strokes over and over. His hands travel down to drip my ankles and raise them up and now he hits deeper and my back is arched so hard I think it cracks.
"I love the way I make your pussy even tighter," he says, watching my face and my neck flush.
When I'm done, he sits my feet down, bends his knees, and angles his hips upward.
"Holy shit," I mewl, grabbing the comforter and pulling it to me. I bite it to muffle my moans, but he pulls it from between my teeth.
"No," he tells me adamantly. "I want to hear you."
I bite my lip and shake my head as he pounds into me harder. "They'll hear," I warn.
"I don't give a shit," he breaths heavily. "I've listened to them for years. Jas's room is right above mine."
And then his hips force his entire shaft into me as he pounds against my cervix and it's so deep and so hard and so tight and I'm so close I can't smell it.
"I want to hear you," he grunts again. "I want to hear what I make you feel. Does it feel good, baby? Does my cock feel like you always dreamed it would? Like I promised you it would?"
"Yes," I whimper. "Yes, Edward."
He grabs my ass, lifts my bottom half up, and pounds into me. I melt in his hands. I'm a puddle of thighs and butt and hips in his hands as he gives me his length and his girth and his fingers in my flesh.
He releases me and I fall back onto the bed as he pulls out and finishes himself on my swollen, red lips and belly.
His growls are animalistic and loud and watching him release is so intense. I glance down and look at the puddle of pearlescent warmth dripping down my center and belly.
"You're lucky my dress got pushed up," I tell him, touching what he painted me with.
"Watching you do that…" he says with a shake of his head. "You are so fucking hot."
He bends down to clean me with a towel, pulling my dress down, then dressing himself. We crawl up the bed and he kisses me hard and hungry.
"My undies?" I ask, breaking away from his puffy lips.
"They're mine now."
I shake my head and roll my eyes. "You know, if my underwear keeps disappearing, you're going to have to start replacing them. What else am I supposed to wear?"
"Nothing."
I open my mouth to retort, but his door swings open and a very angry, very shaking Alice stands in the doorway. Her tears are stained with wetness and her hair is a mess.
"Get out," he tells her easily like it's not the first time he's said it.
"I hate you!" she yells at him.
"Alice, go." Edward points to the door.
"I hate your fucking guts!"
Edward snaps. Instead of looking to Jasper like he normally does, he stalks over to Alice. I stand to intervene, and Jas throws me a shake of his head. I get it. This is fight between them that just needs to happen.
"Why!"
"You took me away from my life in Arizona, and now you can't keep your dick in your pants here! You ruin everything! I fucking hate you!"
Alice scream-cries, beating on Edward's chest with closed fists. He doesn't move to stop her, but he grabs her biceps to move them away from stomach and up towards his pecks.
"Keep going!" Edward shouts.
"You fuck everything up! You ruin every good thing in my life!"
"What else?" he counters.
"You took away the only thing I had here! You took my stupid best friend away from me!" Alice breaks and cries and slides to the floor. For weeks, while I was moping and crying, and breaking, she was tough, refusing to crumble. Now that I've built up my broken wall, her resolve is finally crumbling.
"And you took mine!" Edward roars. "I let you get with my best fucking friend and I didn't act like a spoiled princess, Alice. I love her! Look at Bella. Look at her over there! I fucking love her! She helped me stop. She gave me reason. She talked me out using and selling and everything I fucked up before."
Even I'm surprised at his admission. Was he going to use like Jas did? Was he going to sell like Riley does? Was he going to be self-destructive like before?
"Bella is your best fucking friend, I get that, Alice. Nothing has changed except the fact that you know now! For years we talked about this fucking moment right here. She cried for years about how much you'd hate her and never forgive her. She was so afraid this one secret would be the demise thinking your friendship ended because of us but it didn't, it ended because of you."
Alice stops pounding but her crying continues. Behind Jasper, I can see Mr. Cullen who holds back Mrs. Cullen by grabbing onto her wrist. Both look impeccable and sophisticated and yet their children are breaking down.
"She kept this one thing from you, but how much did you keep from her? Fucking around for years with Jake, Sam, and Paul, shit with Jasper, the drugs, everything. She thinks her best friend is this edgy purple haired rocker girl not a girl who pops pills with her fucking boyfriend."
Edward pauses and everyone looks at me but him.
What?
"And now I have to be the fucking bad guy. I have to tell the girl I love that her best friend is the one who gave my best friend the pills that got him fucking hooked."
"What?"
Alice doesn't look at me when I ask. She crumples to the floor.
"I don't know why the fuck you hate me when I'm the one who should hate you! God damnit!" Edward growls, flinging his gym bag against the wall and seething. His hands are in his hair, pulling so hard his knuckles are white.
I walk over quietly and wrap my fingers around his wrist.
All eyes are on me.
He grabs me and wraps me up. His arms suffocate my neck and I can't breathe but I don't need to because he does it for me. I try to absorb everything for him, but I don't think it works.
Alice still sits on the floor in a puddle of tears. Jasper kneels at her side. Mrs. Cullen cries into her husband's shoulder and I wonder how much they knew.
"Are you mad?" Edward's cries are soft, small as he holds me harder, afraid of the answer.
I don't respond right away because I don't even know. I'm so confused and hurt and angry and paralyzed. This family has so many secrets and I thought I knew them all but I don't. I'm blindsided.
I look to Alice whose eyes are on my legs. I look to Jasper whose hand rubs his girl's back but his eyes are mine, looking at me with trepidation. I look to Edward who bombards me with strong arms and too much love.
"Do you hate me?" he asks.
"No," I whisper to him because I don't hate him. I couldn't hate him. I don't even hate any of these people. "I'm just… what? Alice is on drugs? Since when?"
"Was," Jas says, "with me."
I try and think back to the times when they were together and he was using. She didn't act like he did. She cried because he was on them. She broke up with him because he wouldn't stop.
"But—"
"She used recreationally. I was addicted," Jasper clarifies like he already knows all my questions.
I literally have to scratch my head.
Edward unwraps himself and I'm glad because I can't think when he envelops me.
"Why didn't anyone tell me? It's not like I'd be mad," I counter.
"We wanted to at first, but your dad's chief of police and we were nervous," Alice says quietly. Her tears have stopped but they're still wet against her cheeks.
"When have I ever told him anything?"
"Well, I didn't know what secrets you were keeping from him back then so I didn't know either!" Alice's words slice through me, but I nod because she's not wrong.
"Were you high around me?" I ask.
They both nod and I feel dumb.
"When?"
Alice shrugs. "In the basement. At the beach. Mostly at night when you weren't over though, Bella." Alice says. She's standing now and I'm the one avoiding her gaze.
"You kept this from me, I had no idea about any on this, and then you blow up, get pissed, don't talk to me for months because you find out I also kept a secret from you? What did you think I'd do when I found out?" I pause because I get it. "You weren't ever going to tell me, were you?"
Jas looks away. Alice looks at Jas. Edward looks at me.
"Were you?" I ask him.
"Yes."
"When?"
He takes a moment before admitting, "From the beginning, I knew when Al found out about us, she'd be pissed because she's self-centered. She always has been. She can't see her own unhappiness to look for the happiness in others." Alice doesn't protest, so he continues. "Then I find out she's the one giving pills to Jas and feeding his addiction. She begged me not to tell you. I knew when she lost it about us that I could use this. I wanted to tell her that you kept a secret but so did she. I didn't intend for it to happen like this…"
I walk past Edward right over to Alice and force her eyes to mine.
"Why are you mad that I'm with Edward?"
She doesn't answer right away but she shrugs.
"Why?" I grow angrier by the second. "Why, Alice!"
"Because he's just going to leave you! He had a new girl every fucking day in Arizona—"
"That was years ago!" I yell. "He's not the same person!"
"Bullshit!" Alice yells back.
I shake my head. "This isn't the Alice I know. The Alice I know cheers for her brother at his games and buys him new basketballs for his birthday and lets him pick the movie every Friday night. The Alice I know stopped dragging up his actions from 3 years ago."
Alice crosses her arms but she looks at me as I continue.
"I love your brother. He has flaws and faults and he's made mistakes but he's good and pure and he loves me wholly like no one else ever has. He calls me every night to hear me snore. He kissed me on my thirteenth birthday and then not again for weeks because he was afraid he'd corrupt me." I grab Edward's hand in mine. "Alice, I love him. I'm sorry we kept this from you. I should have told you, and I didn't. If that makes me a terrible friend, then I guess you are too."
Alice walks away.
Jasper looks at me with sorry eyes but follows his girl.
No one stops them. No one comforts them. I sit with Edward on his bed. I hold him and comfort him and love him the way he's done for me so many times.
I run my fingers over the cracks in his soul, filling them with love and reverence and adoration. I soak up his hurt and anguish and offer him acceptance and peace. I whisper encouragement and hope in his ear as he holds me. He doesn't cry, he doesn't do much of anything, but his grip is tight on my arm. He's sad his sister and girlfriend's friendship had to blow up like this. He's relieved the weight of all secrets lifts from his shoulders. He's worried for his friend upstairs.
"I love you," I whisper again.
At some point, his parents leave because when I look up, the hallway is empty. I'm sure, after I leave, there will be a different discussion.
"Alice really got Jas hooked?" I ask.
He nods. "I'm sorry I never told you. Too many fucking secrets."
"Is Jas clean?"
Edward nods. "When our dad found out, he lost it on Alice, even threatening to send both to some camp in California. Like rehab for kids. Obviously, he never did. He drug tests them twice a month instead. The shit that happens in this house when you aren't around… Jas was right, you're way too fucking good for us, B."
Edward grabs my hand and holds it between his.
I kiss his cheek and give him the best smile I can.
"Edward, I'm going to need some more answers, but I need to get home. Can we talk about this tomorrow?"
"Yeah, B."
"Will you answer whatever I ask?"
"Anything."
Edward walks me to the door, bends down to zip my boots, and kisses the skin above my knee.
"I'll see you tomorrow," I whisper, running my fingers through his hair before crossing the short distance between our homes.
At home, mom's straightening up the living room. When I shut and lock the door, the TV is turned off.
"Finish your project, sweetie?"
"Yeah," I lie. "I'm pretty tired. I'll see you tomorrow, mom."
She kisses my forehead and I wonder if she can smell Edward's fingers, his hair, his sheets still on my skin.
In my room, I shut off my lights and crawl in my bed still dressed in the cotton gray dress from earlier, and wonder what the hell I just heard tonight.
It's nearing midnight and I've been tossing and turning for hours.
It's 12:17 and I pull my phone out, scrolling through, and finding his name. When I press call, I hold my breath.
"Bella?" his voice is scratchy but not groggy. He's up, too.
"I need to know everything, Jas."
He sighs and the bed shifts. I can see him pull back the covers and scrub his hand over his face.
"Ask away."
"Is she with you?"
"No."
"What happ—," I pause and try again. "I don't understand. So, she just gave you drugs?"
He's silent for a long moment before answering. "It started when I still lived with my parents. Before she and I were anything really… I had gotten into a pretty bad fight with my mom. My dad beat the shit out of me. I ran here in the middle of winter. No coat, no socks, a sweatshirt with a broken zipper. I got here and Edward was out with his parents, but Alice was home. She knew I had a shitty mom and would crash with them sometimes, but this is the first time she saw me with a black eye and fresh blood. She cleaned me up, gave me some Tylenol. I asked if she had anything stronger. Sometimes Edward gave me a stronger prescription version of Tylenol from his dad's bathroom. That's what I thought she'd get. She went into her bathroom, though, and when she came back, she put two little oval shaped pills in my hand. I didn't know what the fuck it was. I didn't even care."
"What was it?"
"Xanax. I guess her dad prescribed it to her back in Arizona when she had surgery. I don't know. Shit was magical though, B. When she ran out, she went to Riley. Alice loved me way too much back then to get me the help I actually needed. Soon, she started doing it with me, some of the guys on the team, that kind of shit. When I started needing it more often, I called Riley myself."
I take a minute to soak everything in. My breathing is even but I'm my brows knit and my lips purse and I'm trying to think back to any clues at all.
"Bella?"
"You never said anything to me, Jasper."
"I couldn't."
"But—"
"You and Edward had your secret. I never told Alice. Alice and I had our secret. Edward never told you."
And then it's crystal clear. Everything Jasper saw, heard, walked in on… All the times he gave us space and time and let us be us while Alice was none the wiser was because Edward was doing the same for him.
"When?"
"When what?"
"When did you guys do it? When did you do it when I was around?"
"Uhm…" he pauses to think. "At the beach when we'd disappear and give you and Edward time alone."
"You guys were smoking pot."
"No," he sort of laughs, sort of sighs. "You thought we were."
"When else?"
"Usually at night, B, when you weren't here."
"Did Edward ever—"
"Never."
I nod, relieved.
"Why did she get so mad at you, break up with you, not talk to you for so long if she was doing it with you?"
"It was easy for her to stop. I couldn't. She didn't understand. Then she blamed herself and took it out on me."
"You just let her?"
"It wasn't her fault I couldn't stop. She didn't understand that. I chose pills over her. It really fucked her up."
Visions of Alice in my arms, tears staining my shirt, sobs hurting my ears from ending everything with Jasper flash through my memory. Months of anger and denial and blame and acceptance. Months of jealousy and irritation. Months of a different Alice.
"Does she understand what I did to her she did to me?"
"Yeah, Bella, I think she did tonight."
After it turns one, and many yawns later, I tell him I'm going to bed. Jasper returns my yawns and I hear the rustling of sheets through the phone.
"Don't tell your psycho boyfriend I kept you up all night. I'd hate to end up like Paul," Jas jokes.
"What happened to him?"
"The ball accidentally slipped out of Edward's hands and hit him right in the nose at practice."
"Are you for real?"
Jasper laughs. "He got the message, though. I don't think he'll be bugging you anymore."
We hang up and before I fall asleep, I send two texts.
The first is to my boy. You're literally crazy.
The second is to my girl. I'm sorry.