"That's what life's all about: little by little, day by day, with excruciating stubbornness, each of us learning how to be less screwed up."

—Dean Koontz from the book Icebound

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Chapter Twenty Three

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{o}-{o}-{o}

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Alexa had no clue how much time had passed before someone finally came to check on her. She didn't even have an idea of what she did in that time either. She knew she'd cried, because the wastebasket near the bed was overflowing with tissues, and her eyes were swollen and sore.

When the knock came, she was sitting on the sofa, the tips of her fingers bleeding from biting her nails and it was dark outside. "Alexa?" a voice called out, forcefully, but not unkindly.

It was Noella. no surprise. Nobody else in the family was going to talk to her. She'd beaten up Mox and if the Reigns had one motto, it was "You fuck with one of us, you fuck with all of us." If she'd heard Roman, Sefa, Jen, or even Marc's voice, she would have expected to open the door and find a gun pointed to her face. She knew Noella wouldn't, but Alexa still sat there.

"Alexa, I have a key," Noella said in a no-nonsense tone. "I'll use it if I have to, but I'd rather you opened the door."

At least she didn't add, 'of your own free will.'" Alexa rose from the couch, her arms and legs giving protest at being moved after being stationary for too long. She'd heard that line too often. "I will force you if I have to, but I'd rather you did it of your own free will." It was bullshit. It was a choice between a shit sandwich on Wonder bread and a shit sandwich on Sunbeam. It was still a shit sandwich and the only person who thought there was a difference was the person forcing you to eat it.

She opened the door. Noella was holding a pizza box in one hand, the master keys to the entire camp in the other. She was in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt that looked as if one or maybe both of the kids had hurled on it and the stain never came out of the wash. Still, because she was Noella, she looked beautiful. Alexa wanted to both send her away and hug her for being willing to come see her. "Hey," she said, stepping aside so Noella could come in.

Noella walked in, putting the pizza on the counter that separated the kitchen area from the living room area. "I thought you might be hungry," she said. "And, screw the carbs."

Alexa had to smile at that. She wasn't sure she was hungry, until Noella opened the box and the smell of cheese, pepperoni, and tomato sauce filled the place like a delicious new scent of air freshener. She went around to the kitchen area and pulled plates out of the cabinet. Noella, in the meantime, walked over to the refrigerator and pulled out two bottles of diet coke.

"We keep that in there for when Seth visits," Alexa said, nodding to the bottles. "Mox thinks any type of soda is bad."

"Do you really think Mox is worried about you having a soda?" Noella asked.

Alexa accepted the bottle.

She let Noella select her slice of pizza first as if she wanted to make sure Noella got whatever she might believe was the best slice. Why am I acting like this? Deep down, she knew the answer. Suzie would have waited for Daddy Ken and Uncle Sean to pick their pieces first. If killing them had liberated Alexa, almost killing Mox had brought back a bit of Suzie.

It wasn't until they were both settled on the counter chairs with their pizza that Noella got down to business. "Thank you for not running off," she said. "I would have understood if you did."

"What would be the point?" Alexa said, shrugging. "It wouldn't change what I did." She had thought about it, but realized the ID she still used was Alexa Waters. The family knew her as Alexa Bliss. If she'd run off, that would guarantee the family would have called Sheriff Aaron on her, who would have called the Staties and the whole thing could have ended up in a much worse mess. The best thing she could do was stay and hope they wouldn't decide to call the cops on her.

"True," Noella said. She took a bite of her pizza and said nothing until she had finished it, following it with a swallow of soda. "Why did you do it?"

"I-I don't know," Alexa said.

"I don't believe you," Noella said. "I think you do know why, you're just ashamed and embarrassed to admit it."

Well, that was blunt Alexa took a bite of pizza as an excuse not to answer for a moment. "Because… I just got so mad at him. It was wrong, and it was stupid, but that's the reason."

"You're right, on both counts. Wrong and stupid."

"If this is a pep talk it's a pretty bad one."

"It isn't a pep talk," Noella said firmly. "I think what you did to Mox is horrible. You broke his ribs and punctured a lung. He's in surgery now as far as I know. Marc, Roman, Sefa, and Jen are at the hospital now, waiting to make sure he'll be all right. The only reason why I'm able to come here is because I asked Monique to watch the twins."

Monique ran the dining hall, which meant that it had to be after SPWA dinnertime. Alexa's gaze went to the clock on the microwave. 8:37 it told her. She'd lost quite a bit of time. "I don't know if I can explain."

"You have to try," Noella said. "Because if you can't explain it, it's just going to make everyone angry. Nobody does what you did to someone unless they're out of their minds, or there are some deep rooted issues going on."

"How about both?" Alexa mumbled, looking down at the counter, ignoring her pizza, suddenly losing her appetite. She forced herself to look at Noella. "I-I was mad at him," she confessed. "I was mad that he kept- kept jumping in on things. I wanted to use a certain song for my entrance music, and Sefa didn't like that. Instead of letting me argue for the song, or pick another one, he jumped in and suggested another song. A song I don't just hate, a song I loathe with all my being." She thought that might sound like an over the top reaction, but it was the truth.

"What was the song?" Noella asked.

"Cherry Bomb, by the Runaways," Alexa said, embarrassed almost to say the title because in her mind, it sounded filthy. "I know why Mox suggested it and why Sefa thought it was a good song. Cherry bombs are like firecrackers on steroids. The song is bad girl mixed with badass. But that's not what it means to me." I must sound like an idiot. She drew in a deep breath. "Do you know who I am?"

Noella barely hesitated. "You're the former little Suzie. You were once the little girl Mox made those movies with." For the first time since she had arrived, she showed compassion, by putting her hand over Alexa's for just a moment.

"Yeah." Alexa wanted to ask if someone had told her, like Sefa or Mox himself, but she knew it wasn't the time. "And, uh, one of the movies I made, not any of the ones I made with Mox, one of the later movies I made with a couple other girls and a lot of adults. It was called Cherry Bomb and they used the song a million times in the movie."

"That must have been difficult for you," Noella said. "Why didn't you tell Mox when he suggested it, that the song had some bad memories for you?"

"I-" Alexa began and stopped. Why hadn't she done that? Why hadn't she just shook her head and said to Mox before he played the song for Sefa, 'I don't want to use that. Can we think of another?' "Because I knew Sefa and Mox would figure it out," she said, and she knew it was the truth. "Maybe not that I played a sex crazed pre-teen cheerleader with two other girls, but that the song was tied into one of the movies I made. And-and-" She had been doing well, but she didn't have the words anymore.

"You didn't want to look like a victim," Noella offered and Alexa found herself nodding. "You didn't want to look weak or vulnerable," Noella continued. "Considering your past, I understand. Alexa, how did you escape?"

Alexa had never told anyone that she had murdered her captors. Not even Jessica. She knew Mox knew they were dead, likely figured out she killed them, but not how she did it. "I murdered them," she said,. "I planned their deaths, found the right weapons and bashed their heads in. Then, I burned down the house we were using. I don't know if the bodies were burned completely or not, but they didn't trace them to me."

"That was very brave of you," Noella said, not looking the slightest bit dismayed. "I don't think Mox could have done that."

She thought at first Noella might be taking a dig at her, saying she was brave, but implying that Mox was a better person for not killing his captors, just escaping. But she studied her face and realized she wasn't trying to play games with her, she meant it. "Mox was younger when he was taken," she said. "I was older. I think Mox was too beaten down to even think about doing such a thing. I always got the feeling that he only found the guts to run away, because he knew he was going to die anyway, so what did he have to lose?"

Noella nodded. "I don't fault Mox for what he did. He did what he felt he had to and it worked. You did what you felt you had to and you're alive to tell the tale."

"I don't want to tell anyone."

"You don't have to," Noella said. "It's just a figure of speech. I'm not going to tell anyone. Some might fault you for taking justice into your own hands, but I'm sure you felt those men gave you no choice. I admire you for taking care of a problem. You saved yourself and likely saved other children too."

"I survived by being good," Alexa confessed, sniffling. She wasn't crying, but she felt close. "And part of that was Timmy. Well, I know he's Mox now, but he was Timmy then. He's the one who told me the best way to get through things was to be good. That if I wasn't good, I'd get hurt, I could be sold off to people who were even worse. So, I was good. I was better than good, I was awesome. I had those two perverts convinced that I loved what they did to me, what I did to them. I had them convinced that having sex before I even hit puberty was exactly what I wanted. Timmy, I mean, Mox, had scars all over his body especially his back. From when he was bad and got beaten. I didn't want to be beaten. Almost worse, I didn't want to be kept in a basement. So, I just played along. I learned to do what they wanted. In my head, I hated them and hated it, but on the outside? I was a hell of an actress, because I believe if you could talk to 'Daddy Ken' and 'Uncle Sean,' they would still be shocked I did such a thing. They would tell you how much I'd loved the life they gave me."

"You were brave," Noella said. "You were a victim, but you still fought."

"Sometimes I felt I wasn't fighting, I was just giving in," Alexa whispered.

"I can understand that," Noella said. "You were doing what they wanted, it would be easy to think you weren't fighting, but you were. You gained their trust enough so you could plan how to get out of there."

"I don't like being a victim," Alexa's voice was bitter. "When I got away, I told myself I would never be a victim again. And I found myself being a victim anyway until I met someone who helped me. She got me into underground fighting and I learned to fight. With every fight, I told myself I would never be a victim again."

Noella nodded, then looked into Alexa's eyes. "I'm just going to be blunt here, I think you and Mox as a couple is a big mistake."

Deep down, she knew Noella was right, but she wasn't ready to admit it on the surface. "We both understand," she said. "We don't have to explain our pasts to each other, we get it."

"Yes," Noella said. "That's true. But, he's also a constant reminder of being a victim. It isn't his fault, he didn't kidnap you, but he did participate in what happened. It would seem to me he'd be a constant reminder of what you went through, those days of being a victim."

"But he didn't want to, he told me so." Alexa even realized how feeble her protests sounded.

"You may not blame him, necessarily, although I might argue that you might subconsciously. But, even though he was as much of a victim, that doesn't mean that he didn't do it. He still did it."

"But I do like Mox," Alexa said, grabbing for a tissue. While they had been talking, she had grabbed the nearly empty box on the bedside and started using it. "Sometimes I even think I love him. I mean, I got so jealous when I thought he was also, seeing Raven."

"Feelings aren't singular things," Noella said. "You can feel several different emotions for the same person. You might love Mox in a lot of ways, but I don't think that can outweigh that he was there at the start of the worst time of your life.

"I think Mox wants me to love him," Alexa confessed. "I think he wants us to be like you and Marc or Roman and May. And sometimes I want to be like that, hold hands, kiss, all of that, but I just can't do it."

"And that's exactly why I think this is too big of a problem for you to just 'get over.' Do I think you and Mox should stay friends? Yes. But I think being friends with benefits is a big mistake."

"So you're saying I have to break up with him?"

Noella shook her head. "You're an adult, Alexa, and so is Mox. None of the family, me included, can force you to break up. All I can do is tell you that you need to give it some serious thought. If you care about yourself and Mox, you need to seriously consider what type of relationship will work best for both of you. And I'm sure, when Mox is feeling better, he'll be thinking about the same thing himself."

"Yeah, and I'm sure everyone will convince him I'm evil," Alexa said, trying not to sound bitter.

Noella looked at her steadily. "You almost killed him. How would you expect the folks who love him to react?"

She had nothing to say to that, and she didn't even try.

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She stayed in the apartment for three days, living on the food she and Mox had in the place, and the dinners that Noella brought over. Noella usually stayed for a bit talking to her, and letting her know how Mox was doing. Every update made Alexa feel a combination of disgust and delight. He'd be okay, but if it wasn't for her, he'd be great.

On the third night, as Noella brought her dinner, Alexa complained she felt like a prisoner. "Nobody is forcing you to stay in this apartment," Noella said. "You might want to stay away from most of the family for a bit, they aren't ready to forgive you, but you can still take walks. And if you need to pick up things for yourself, food supplies so on and so forth, let me know and I'll take you. I'm sure you could even eat in the dining hall if you wanted. Nobody has put the mark of Cain on you."

The next day she went out for a walk, ready to run to the apartment at the slightest sign of trouble. She saw Roman sitting outside one of the rings, watching as May taught a class of female wrestlers. Alexa made sure to avoid looking at him.

She got bolder over the next few days, spending a lot of her time outside or in the gym working out. Nobody at the camp except the family treated her any differently, even students, so she concluded nobody but the family knew what she did. If a member of the family came in while she was working out, she left, but other than that, things seemed almost normal. She started taking her meals in the dining hall. If she crossed paths with a family member, with the exception of Noella, she would ignore them and they would ignore her. We treat each other like ghosts.

On the fourth day, as she was eating dinner, May came into the dining hall and plopped down across from her. "When you're finished, let's go to the ring."

Alexa stared at her, wondering if this was a cruel joke. If there was one thing she missed, it was wrestling. Not just the actual wrestling, but the sense of being part of a team. If I agree, will she laugh at me and go, 'you wish'? "Aren't you afraid of me? Scared I'll kick the shit out of you or something?"

May shook her head. "Not really. And it's not because I've been trained to defend myself, it's because I'm confident you have no desire to beat me up."

"Are you sure? I'm betting everyone thinks I'm dangerous. Some overly stretched thread waiting to snap."

Again, May shook her head. "I don't think you're any danger to me or anyone else. I don't think you wanted to be a danger to Mox, but something inside of you cracked. I'm not excusing what you did, I don't know if or when I'll forgive you, but it isn't my forgiveness you need to seek."

"I know," Alexa sighed, pushing her tray to the side. "It's Mox's."

"And yourself," May said. "In the meantime, no matter what you've done, you have talent, so, let's go work on your wrestling so you don't fall behind."

"Does Roman know you're doing this?"

"Roman is visiting with Mox right now," May said. "I can do what I want in my spare time.

In other words, no. Alexa thought. But she still brought her tray to the dishwasher, and followed eagerly followed May.

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She and May started training again. Not on the regular schedule they used to, instead it was mostly in the evenings. They used the outdoor ring located the furthest from the house. May acted as if nothing had happened and didn't mention Mox unless Alexa did. And when Alexa did ask, she told her honestly how he was. But when they trained, they trained. Alexa found herself regretting that she had missed out on her first chance to wrestle in front of an audience. Main event, no less

Things fell into a strange routine she found some satisfaction in, if not comfort. She was training again, she was able to work out at the gym and she at least had limited company. She still avoided everyone in the family but Noella and May, and avoided the two of them when anyone else was with them.

May told her one evening that Mox had come home that day. Alexa wanted to ask her if she could see him. She wanted to ask for, even beg for his forgiveness. And tell him how sorry she was. But she knew May wasn't going to be allowed to give her permission. She wondered if she'd have to wait until Mox was walking around himself and run into him before she'd get to talk to him.

Then, Sefa came down the next evening while she and May were practicing. Alexa didn't even realize he was there until she and May were taking a quick break. He was standing a ways from the ring in a way that suggested he had been watching them. When he saw they were resting, he came over. "Looking good, ladies."

Alexa hadn't been expecting that and merely nodded.

May, on the other hand, smiled cheerfully. "She's got it," she said, nodding towards Alexa. "We need to get her into the shows."

Alexa almost gasped at May's bold statement that she be allowed to do shows. She expected Sefa to shoot her a few dagger looks but he gave a half nod then said, "May, Roman's up at the house, he was wondering where you were."

If that wasn't bullshit, Alexa didn't know what was. If Roman had really been looking for May he would have found her. It was a lame excuse to get rid of May and Alexa almost wanted to call Sefa out for it. She wasn't sure she wanted to be alone with Sefa, but she kept silent as May draped a towel around her neck. "See you later, Lexa," she said cheerfully as she climbed out of the ring.

Alexa went over to the edge of the ring and sat down, dangling her feet on the apron. "Obviously, you want to talk to me," she said, hoping she didn't sound snippy.

If she did, Sefa gave no indication. "Mox is home," he said, getting right down to business. "He's been worried about you."

"I hope you've told him I'm all right," she said.

"Are you?" Sefa had a gaze that felt as if it were looking inside of you, seeing right into every nook and cranny, discovering all your thoughts, good and bad. It was that gaze he fixed on her now.

"Compared to him, physically at least, I'm doing great," she said, hoping it didn't sound like a snippy retort. "Emotionally? I'll go on, I'm tough. But I don't know if I'll ever get over what I did."

Sefa nodded, his gaze getting a little less intense. "Would you like to see him?"

She nodded.

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He led her into the house, through the kitchen, where Jen was absent and Alexa was pretty sure that was by design. She heard the TV faintly in the tiny den, and wondered if Jen was hiding out in there.

Mox was in a small room, lying on one of those adjustable beds, his head and back raised in a half sitting position. He had a sheet and thin blanket over his legs and his chest was bare, because there was a drainage tube sticking out of it.. If I see that guilty expression, that one that says he's blaming himself for this, I might just beat him up again.

"Hey, Lexa," he said softly.

"Hey, Mox." She had to look at him now. His face was still bruised, but some of those bruises had faded down to a sickly yellow/green color. But he was smiling and while he didn't look delighted, he looked at least happy to see her. And most important, he didn't look guilty.

"Have a seat," Sefa said.

She was tempted to sit on Mox's bed, but she thought better of it and sat down in one of the chairs in the room. She expected Sefa to sit down, but he didn't.

"Look," he said, standing near the door. "I've got something to say to both of you, and I'll get straight to the point, I think the two of you make a terrible couple."

She could see Mox's mouth open as if to protest, but Sefa cut him off. "I think separate, you're both good people, but together, you bring out the worst in each other. You're both adults, so I can't stop you from seeing each other, but I think it's a huge mistake and I'm not the only one. You have too much bad between you and you're never going to fix it by having sex. Friends? Yes, I think it's good for you to be friends, but that's all."

Now she wanted to protest, but she didn't try. I'm going to be kicked out of the camp she thought. She found herself hoping they would give her some time to gather her things. She'd lived on the streets before, she could do it again. Maybe she could find a way to get back to Detroit where she knew she could survive in the underground scene? She started biting her lower lip.

"I might not be able to stop you once you're both off this property," Sefa continued, "but I can stop you while you're here. So, Alexa, you'll continue to stay in the apartment, Mox, you'll stay in the house."

Well, getting to keep the apartment is a good sign, but for how long? She wasn't surprised the Reigns were putting brakes on their relationship, not after what she'd done.

"This is what I'd like to propose," Sefa said. "Mox, you get better. It will take awhile, but I called my friends over at WWE and explained you'd been in an accident, so they're holding your space open. It wasn't a big deal with them, either. They like you. So, once you're healed, I think you should get your ass back to FCW, well, actually to NXT. Roman will be just fine then, so you have no excuses."

Well, that's Mox's future, what's mine? she wondered.

She didn't have long to ponder. "Alexa, I am furious at what you did, I might understand a little of why you did it. Still, you are a good wrestler with a lot of promise. And, you're a good weight and cardio trainer. More than a few of the women you trained have made it a point to let me know how much they liked you, how you were firm but fair. So, I propose you stay here. You can go back to weight training and continue to work on your training. May claims you have the moves down, so we'll focus more on getting you in shows and working on your promo skills. I can't pay you a ton of money, but you get to keep the apartment and you can still eat in the mess hall. All we ask in return is that you see someone for those anger issues. I have a feeling it won't be a problem, that this thing with Mox is only with you and Mox, but you never know. It would be wrong of me to just send you out to wrestle without making sure you weren't going to go ballistic on another wrestler."

Alex didn't know what to think. Part of her was upset that her relationship with Mox was being dictated by his family, but another part of her was grateful. Nobody was kicking her onto the streets, in fact, they were willing to let her stay, to work, and it sounded like Sefa was willing to help her wrestling career. She wasn't excited about the "someone" she'd have to go to for her anger issues, but the request didn't seem unreasonable. She could have ended up in jail.

"You both probably want to talk about this, so, I'm going to go downstairs, have some iced tea and spend time with my wife." He looked at Alexa, "It's important he sleeps, so if you haven't resolved this in an hour or so, I'll be up with his meds. I really hope you two have made a decision by then."

He turned and walked out of the room, leaving Mox and Alexa alone together.