Stay

Chapter 31

A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is faceinbud.

Here is Chapter 31. I'd like to take this moment to shamelessly promote myself. If you like this story, you may also enjoy my Rolivia stories with similar plotlines. "Something Good" follows Amanda's journey to experience sexual pleasure and feel deserving of love and affection. ("The Rose" and "I Can Wait" are one-shots in that universe.) "In the First Degree" follows Amanda in the immediate aftermath of being drugged and assaulted and goes until after the ensuing trial. Alex is a major character in this one! ("First Degree Snippets" is a series of one-shots connected to that universe.) And "Dirt in the Carpet" is a three part Rolivia friendship story that is mostly canon to the show and takes place during the most recent season. Would love to hear your thoughts on those! Thank you for all the love and support!

Trigger warnings for discussion of penetration, masturbation, pelvic exam, in addition to usual topics.

I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a trigger warning for SVU-related topics. I will try to be more specific when necessary.

"It's been almost fifteen years," Alex painstakingly said to Kimani after several minutes of silent processing and gentle back and forth, "and I'm just now accepting that what Tammy did...it wasn't weird or complicated. It wasn't sex. It straight-up wasn't sex." She took a deep breath, turning towards her girlfriend, who was holding her hand. The detective nodded in her direction, encouraging her to finish her thought, an obvious vote of confidence. She could do this. "And it wasn't just abuse or assault. It was rape. Tammy raped me. Many, many times."

"How are you feeling right now, Alex?"

She sighed, leaning back against the couch she sat on, stretching sore muscles and closing her eyes as she felt her girlfriend instinctively reach out to comfort her, a careful hand lightly making contact with her shoulder. "I'm not totally sure. It's a release, I guess. I've wanted to say it out loud for a really long time. I guess I just wasn't ready until now."

The therapist bobbed her head up and down. "It's okay to be not entirely sure how you're feeling. What you just did was a really big step, Alex, and it can be overwhelming to say the words."

"Yeah," the ADA agreed. "I mean, I'm okay. I know that. But I can't decide if there's closure or relief, or whatever else."

"Let me ask you something," Kimani requested after a moment. "You said that you and Olivia had a conversation about this last week, and that's what really made you accept the reality of what you experienced. Is that correct?" Alex nodded in the affirmative. "Between then and now, have you struggled at all with thoughts of self-blame?"

Cabot glanced at the brunette, who nudged her lightly with her knee. "It's okay. Tell her what you're feeling. It's okay," she repeated softly. "You're okay."

"Yes, I do still have those thoughts," Alex admitted eventually. "I'm not really sure how to make them go away."

"Well, it's not something that comes naturally to us, Alex. It's a skill, and it's one I'm happy to help you work on, but the habit of positive affirmation needs to be developed."

The prosecutor was slightly confused. "You mean like, 'I matter, I'm important, I deserve good things'?"

"Sort of," Kimani told her. "What I'm wanting to teach you to do is change the narrative that exists in your mind about Tammy's abuse by responding to and rebutting thoughts you know are irrational. So every time you think something harmful, you'd provide yourself with a counterargument to reply with."

"So, how exactly would that work?"

"Would you feel comfortable sharing an example of a thought you know is irrational?"

Alex nodded. Kimani wasn't judging her for her fears around Tammy's abuse…Tammy's rapes, she corrected herself, reminding herself that it was okay to use the word that most accurately described her experience. It had, indeed, been abuse, but underneath the umbrella of abuse, it had been rape, and she wasn't going to deny that anymore. "Um, I guess something that Liv, something that Liv knows is I struggle with the fact that I didn't say no."

Kimani smiled softly in understanding. "I think that is a great example. You prosecute these crimes, so the legal portion of it all is really ingrained in you. But it sounds like you also know that as far as the effect it has had on you, that not saying no doesn't mean you consented."

"Right," Alex agreed. "I understand how consent works in an ideal world, and I know that affirmative, freely given consent is before its time as far as legal statutes, but that in a relationship, it absolutely needs to be that way."

"So, with your struggle with the thought that you didn't say no," the LMFT asked, "what do you think would be an appropriate rebuttal?"

Alex could handle this. She needed to brutally cross examine her drill sergeant. Needed to ensure his credibility was destroyed on the stand. Impeach him. Impeach the drill sergeant. He deserved it. Attorney Alex was prepared, but human Alex hesitated for a few seconds.

She felt the cop's forehead meet her temple, and she whispered calmly in her ear. "You can do this. Just breathe."

Realizing she was holding her breath before the reminder, Cabot exhaled forcefully, worrying her lower lip. "I didn't say no," she acknowledged out loud to herself, "but what matters more is I didn't say yes."

"That's perfect, Alex," Kimani praised with a soft smile. "I'd like to suggest an addition to that statement if you're open to it." After a nod, the therapist leaned forward. "It might also be helpful to remind yourself that not only did you not consent, but because of your age, you didn't even have the capacity to do so."

"Right. So, there's absolutely no way I I'm at all culpable for what happened."

"Exactly."

By the time they'd left the office, Alex was armed with solid responses to three of her most common irrational thoughts, and though exhausted, her pride in the progress she was making fueled her for the rest of the day. She met Olivia back at the apartment that evening, takeout in tow. She knew that what she needed was a romantic night with the woman she loved, and she hoped they could make a different kind of progress, something she approached carefully after they'd eaten.

"So, Liv," she started, the older woman giving the blonde her undivided attention as they sat together on the couch, "I'd like to, um, you know, try…together." She'd tried to touch herself in the shower a few times since Kimani had first suggested it, but she had a hunch that there was something about being by herself, without Olivia, that made the whole process feel unsafe. If she could feel Liv's arms around her while she experienced the sensations, the emotions that came with each increasingly gentle stroke of her fingers, then maybe, maybe she wouldn't feel so alone. At least at first. At least so she could take the memory into the shower with her, her body's evidence of security.

Benson was unsure of the wisdom of this, but she reminded herself that taking Alex at her word was something she needed to work on. Still, checking once couldn't hurt, right? "Are you in a good place for that right now, sweetie?"

The lawyer nodded, reaching for her hand. "I think so. I mean, I won't know for sure until I do it, but…I feel okay." She scooted closer, letting her thumb move in circles over Liv's skin. "What about you? Are you in a good place?"

"Yeah, I think so." It was the truth. Ever since Alex had made love to her, truly made love to her, Olivia had been missing her touch. Though she was experienced and skilled, what made her touch so amazing was the vulnerability behind it—the trust, the emotion, the way that they connected in those sacred moments. She longed for it each day, and sometimes she quenched her desire by taking care of her own needs, but it wasn't the same. She was hoping that being close to Alex while she touched herself would provide enough of that connection to tame her want while still being safe for both women.

"Are we going to lie on the bed together?"

Liv shrugged, wanting to appear just slightly less invested in her girlfriend's response than she was. "If you want to."

"I do."

They'd previously discussed a plan for if and when they decided to try this particular exercise. Alex had insisted on the option of being in the bed together, and Olivia had been adamant that it remain a choice, and not a requirement. Together, they decided that the extent of their touching would be kissing and hands only on above the waist, not inherently sexual areas. Benson added a condition that either one of them could put a stop to the activity at any point and for any reason. Alex had agreed, hoping her involuntary hesitance wouldn't ruin her most likely chance of connecting with her girlfriend for the foreseeable future.

The brunette smiled softly, blushing. "Me too."

"Well, come on then." Alex stood up, extending her hand towards the older woman in the most casual invitation for physical intimacy she'd ever attempted. It was important to her that Liv felt safe to try this because more than anything else, the attorney wanted the opportunity to watch the love of her life come undone again.

And again. And again and again and again.

They slowly entered the bedroom, both women silently undressing. It went unsaid, but neither of them wanted to contend with any obstacles once they got started. It was only once Alex had lied her head against the pillow, realizing she was naked—in every sense of the word—that anxiety began to course through her body. Her hand rested on her stomach, just below her belly button, as the two paused to look at each other.

Cabot bit her lip, trying to inhale adequate oxygen. "Should this feel this weird, this awkward?"

The cop carefully laid her fingers over her girlfriend's. "Awkward doesn't necessarily mean bad."

"I know." She rolled onto her side. "Kiss me."

Her eyes automatically closed as the woman next to her cradled her cheek and pressed their mouths together, both of them sighing in relief at the contact.

Cabot studied the brunette intently after a few minutes as her hand almost of its own will travelled down her stomach, pausing at the small patch of dark hair between her legs. "It's okay," she whispered reassuringly, her own hand beginning its descent. She felt Liv's gasp more than she heard it as desperate fingers met waiting flesh.

The detective consciously put her own fears aside, seeing nothing but trust in the younger woman's eyes. She knew she wasn't touching her, other than their free hands that they had wrapped around each other, but still, this was an understandably vulnerable situation, and Alex could trigger at any moment. The confidence the blonde was exuding in her own movements, however, was enough for Olivia to grant herself permission to focus on her own ministrations. Alex was healing by the day, and she would tell her if something was wrong.

The ADA closed her eyes once again, resting their foreheads together as her fingers began their memorized routine of dancing through now damp folds, deliberately avoiding her clit as she worked herself up. This had been her plan of action in the shower for weeks, and she'd gotten farther and farther each time, but she never continued once the voice in her head told her to stop. This voice wasn't her drill sergeant. It was her own—gentle, measured, compassionate. The soft sounds escaping Liv's throat provided all the stimulation she needed to grow wetter, something she'd always struggled with and still did. That's why the shower was so convenient.

Two hearts continued to hammer away, practically in sync, as the women touched without touching. It was a sequence of moments of unfettered lust, something neither of them had allowed themselves to experience in the other's presence and Alex hadn't allowed herself to experience ever, and the sheer intensity of it was enough for a sob to build in the prosecutor's throat. She breathed through it, her fingertips finally moving directly over her clit, her lips pulling frantically away from Olivia's neck as she audibly forced air into her lungs.

The blonde shifted her fingers lower, letting them graze her opening for a moment, before she became consciously aware of the distinctively rough flesh below her touch, her body tensing. Barely dipping her forefinger into wet warmth, the attorney felt her muscles clench uncomfortably around the digit. Alex took a few deep breaths, noticing Olivia pause her movements, the one thing she wanted to avoid more than anything else.

"We can stop," the brunette offered breathlessly, feeling the woman beside her stiffen.

Alex shook her head, wincing as she pulled her fingertips away from a protesting core. "I'm done, but it's okay, Liv. I want you to keep going."

Benson bit her lip, conflicted. She so wanted to continue, as a pleasant burn had begun in her pelvis, but—Alex. What had happened? Did she need support in the moment? Had something frightened her? "You sure?"

"Yeah, honey." She removed her hand from the other woman's grasp in order to pull some sweaty hair away from her eyes, nuzzling her nose into the brunette's pulse point. "You're beautiful."

They fell asleep pretty quickly afterwards, as Liv was totally wiped out and Alex had felt herself into exhaustion.

The lawyer made it down the stairs after Olivia the next morning, something that very rarely happened. She had taken longer than usual in the shower, anxiety building within her as the time went on. "Can I ask you for a favor, baby?"

"Of course." The SVU detective placed her coffee mug upside down in the sink, handing her girlfriend the Spanish mug that was liberally filled with dark roast. "Anything you need."

Alex took a cleansing breath, the embarrassment already invading her cheeks as they reddened. "I got a call from my gynecologist's office a few months ago. Apparently, it's been almost four years since I've had a pap smear. I totally forgot that the appointment is this afternoon." She bit her lip, unsure how to phrase her request. "Can you step away from work for an hour or so?" She was unexperienced at asking people to do things for her, and to directly ask for support went against everything her drill sergeant had taught her for almost twenty years.

Olivia's head tipped to the side, compassion forcing her to reach out with her hand to squeeze the nervous woman's arm. "You want me to go with you?"

She took a gulp of her coffee, grimacing at the burn of the hot beverage as it scalded its way down her throat. "I know it's ridiculous. I shouldn't need someone to hold my hand. I'm a big girl."

"Hey." Predicting Alex's usual protective mechanism of downcast eyes and avoidance, the older woman caught her gingerly by the chin. "Sweetheart. I only asked because I wouldn't have expected you to be comfortable with that. There's nothing to be ashamed of here."

"I'm just…" Olivia nodded at her, encouraging her to finish her thought. "I'm just trying to figure out how to make it not hurt so much."

Benson swallowed hard. Of course she'd never dream of forcing Alex to go alone, especially not after she'd so bravely requested her girlfriend's presence, but she knew she was getting herself into something that would not be pleasant, something that would be distressing. The attorney had told her pelvic exams were painful for her. Liv was now used to watching the woman she loved in emotional discomfort, but was she prepared to witness Alex, who'd already suffered so much, go through physical pain, something that would likely be traumatizing? She shook her head at herself. She'd been proud of her progress with respecting her own boundaries, but this was a time where she needed to step up, the cop told herself. Alex had been enduring such anguish alone for so many years, the least she could do was hold her hand and make sure she was safe. "I'd be happy to go with you. Talk you through it. Help you with breathing. Does your doctor know not to tell you to relax?"

"I haven't told her, but I think she suspects something, what with the rather significant scarring I refuse to talk about."

"Would you want to tell her...if I'm with you? Maybe she has techniques for survivors or something."

Alex shrugged. She was already tired, and she hadn't even left the house. "I don't know."

"You don't have to decide right now," the brunette assured her. "But I do want to come with you, either way. Who's your Ob/Gyn?"

"Her name is Virginia Whitley. Works out of Mercy. She's good. Nice. Thorough. She just scares me by virtue of being a gynecologist." Alex took another large sip of her coffee, and it still stung going down, but not as much as it had earlier. Whether this was attributed to knowing Liv was in her corner or the logical effect of her drink cooling down was irrelevant to her.

"Well, we'll just take it a second at a time, and I'll help you talk to her if you decide you want to do that."

The medical assistant's questions were always difficult. Her memory was sketchy at times, but she always remembered the first day of her last menstrual period, something she'd started keeping meticulous track of when she began working for SVU. If she were raped—on the job or otherwise—she'd need to know her chances of becoming pregnant, and she'd need to know immediately.

So instead of saying of saying "two weeks ago", Alex immediately recited from memory, "January eighth."

The trouble came when the woman, a not unkind but less than friendly employee named Deidre, asked Alex if she were sexually active. The issue was simple—Alex was not sexually active in the sense that she'd been touched intimately any time recently. However, she didn't have what her father had referred to as an "intact hymen", something she'd since learned was a puritanical myth, and it were possible she'd been exposed to sexually transmitted diseases in her lifetime. The thought made her shiver. She'd been tested in the past, and she'd been negative for everything, but though logic told her otherwise, she still felt dirty. And didn't she have to answer yes to Deidre's question?

She cleared her throat. "Not currently."

All Olivia could do was squeeze her hand.

Next, her vitals were taken and Deidre repeatedly asked if Alex felt comfortable having Liv in the room during the exam, the thought of her leaving causing her heart to pummel her ribcage. The woman noted that she would let the doctor know that her vitals weren't ideal, and she'd leave the equipment in the room in case she wanted to do a recheck.

The medical assistant handed her a robe to change into and what looked like a puppy pad to sit on. When Deidre left, Alex's eyes met her clammy hands, draped protectively across her lap.

Olivia placed a comforting hand on the other woman's shoulder, squeezing gently. "I promise, you are safe here with me. I will beat this lady up if she does anything to make you feel uncomfortable."

She chuckled through an anxious breath. "Oh, God, Liv, please don't do that."

"I won't, Al. Not unless it's really warranted," she added, pleased at the small smile it garnered. "But really, what can I do to help you?"

"I, uh, I have to change, but my legs are pretty shaky."

After ensuring she'd feel comfortable with assistance taking off her clothes, the two women began the process, Alex encircling her own abdomen with her hands as she sat back on the table, her calves roughly hitting the side of it as her legs swung back and forth.

The ticking of the clock remained the only sound in the room until a knock at the door perked Alex's head up. "Come in," she croaked.

"Hi, Alex," Dr. Whitley greeted, carrying a chart as she entered the room. "I see you've brought a friend."

A flash of clarity hit her as she leaned into the woman's side. Their love was deep, long-lasting. Their relationship wasn't juvenile, and the support the brunette was giving to the ADA was something she knew she'd never fully be able to comprehend. A nervous smile turned the corners of her lips upwards. "This is my partner, Olivia."

The brunette's heart skipped a beat at the word the other woman had chosen to describe her, the introduction a welcome change to the air around them. If Liv hadn't been so acutely aware of what awaited them in the next several minutes, she might have shed a few tears out of raw pride. Alex had outed herself publicly for the first time, with the exception of the team—that being said, she hadn't actually had to come out to Fin. Ever the observant man, he'd approached the attorney one day in the precinct and said to her, "You two make a cute couple," with a gentle smile, responding to the ADA's panic with a soft pat on the shoulder and a promise that their secret was safe with him.

Not skipping a beat—to Alex's great relief—the gynecologist offered her hand to the cop. "Hi, Olivia. Ginny Whitley."

Butterflies still swirling their way around her abdomen, the brunette recovered just enough to shake the woman's hand. "Olivia Benson. It's nice to meet you."

"Likewise." Dr. Whitley sat on a stool, scooting slightly towards her patient. "So, Alex, your vitals were a little concerning to me." She read the notes on the paper in front of her. "A heart rate of almost one hundred forty and your blood pressure is elevated. Are you feeling okay?"

"Yeah, I'm." Cabot cleared her throat. "I'm just anxious, I think."

"That's perfectly normal. I'll talk you through everything, okay?"

"Okay."

"Is it alright if I take your pulse manually?" Alex nodded, and the doctor extended her hand. "Can I just see your wrist for a second? Thank you," she told her, her pointer and middle fingers coming to rest against the prosecutor's radial pulse for about ten seconds. "It's a little lower now. I feel okay about going forward with the exam if you are."

Could Alex really say no? If she did, what would happen? This was one of those moments where she technically had a choice, but it wouldn't be wise to leave the clinic without having done this. The woman who stood before her waiting for an answer was a doctor, one with several years' experience, and she had never done anything to make Alex feel unsafe—other than the obvious.

The next few minutes went by in a blur as Dr. Whitley asked a few clarifying questions from the information on her chart and invited the medical assistant to return to the room after confirming with Alex that it was alright. The more, the merrier, the ADA told herself, trying to breathe through the pounding of her heart in her ears. At least the whole thing would go faster with the other woman present to hand off swabs and place lubricant on the speculum, a job Alex knew all too well was incredibly important.

Alex completed the expected routine of scooting as low on the table she could without falling off and placing her feet in the stirrups, keeping her knees jammed together for as long as she could.

"Okay, so it's really important that you try to relax."

She knew this was coming, but still she felt a deluge of tears sting her eyes instantly, and she refused to let them fall over her eyelids as she bore down on Olivia's hand. "Um...okay."

The voice of the woman she loved was soft, and it addressed her carefully. "Can I?"

Speechless, Alex frantically nodded, her knees beginning to ache from the strain of the pressure they held against each other.

She felt Liv's free hand come to rest on the top of her head, but her eyes remained closed. She was unwilling to look at either woman as they had this conversation. "So, Alex has wanted to tell you this for a while, but she hasn't known how. She's a survivor of sexual abuse. Her abuser would tell her to relax during the assaults and hearing the phrase makes her even more anxious than she would have been without hearing it. I remind her to breathe," she concluded, "and that usually works."

"Thank you for telling me that, Olivia." Alex waited for the doctor to address her, and she felt three pairs of eyes on her. "I always like to know, so that I can help you feel safe. Alex, we'll go at your pace and we'll talk through everything, okay?"

She exhaled shakily. "Okay."

Liv's fingers massaged her scalp to bring her back to the present moment. "Open your eyes, sweetie. Look around you. Look at me. You're safe."

Alex nodded, her watery eyes meeting her partner's. "I'm safe."

"Are you ready to proceed, Alex?" Dr. Whitley asked softly, scooting her stool impossibly closer to Alex's joined knees.

"Y—yes," she said, taking one more breath before separating her knees, a whimper exploding out of her.

"I need you to take slow, deep breaths, Alex," the Ob/Gyn said. "I won't do anything without your okay, alright?"

Another frantic nod. God, how she wished this was over, her anxiety building as she anticipated the unavoidable pain that was coming her way.

Gloving up, Dr. Whitley asked Deidre to raise the table just slightly, and Alex could hear the medical assistant opening the plastic the speculum was in as the doctor spoke. "The first thing you're going to feel is my hands on your inner thighs. I'm going to examine you externally, but I won't move my hands until you tell me I can," she said softly to her patient.

After almost a minute of nothing more than intrusive eyes and barely noticeable gloves against her skin, the doctor spoke again. "Alex, are you ready to do the pap smear?"

She refused to think about it, nodding her head instantly.

"Okay. Deidre is putting some lubricant on the speculum to make this more comfortable. I'm going to move my hand upwards now." Dr. Whitley tapped the side of her hand against Alex's thigh as she moved it to her apex, giving her fair warning before she paused. "Alright, Alex, you'll feel my hand at your opening. I'm going to gently separate your labia and position the speculum at your entrance." She waited for a nod.

A bath.

Alex was going to take a bath when she got home. And she was going to soak in scalding hot water, hotter than the coffee she'd gulped that morning, until she was perfectly numb to anything else.

Olivia. She was no longer alone. Olivia was there. And she didn't have to return to unhealthy coping mechanisms. She had support. A hand to hold.

She had a partner.

"Okay, Alex. I'm going to ask you to take a big breath in. Great, and now exhale slowly. The speculum is going in."

The attorney felt the burn she'd been expecting, but it didn't last.

The speculum was not going in. Cabot's eyes snapped open, meeting Liv's furrowed brow and concerned features.

Dr. Whitley had been expecting this. She turned to Deidre. "Can you grab some more lubricant?"

Had she been the problem? She was as relaxed as she was ever going to be, at least when it came to what she had control over. "I'm sorry," she blurted.

The gynecologist handed the speculum off to the medical assistant as she scooted around the table to better converse with her patient. "No need to apologize, Alex. I'm just wanting to keep you as comfortable as possible. We're going to time your breathing with the insertion of the speculum, okay?"

For some reason, this statement was soothing. Dr. Whitley knew what—and who—she was working with now, and she didn't seem at all fazed by the prospect of taking it slower than might have been ideal.

By the time the doctor made a second attempt at inserting the speculum, Alex's exhale actually helped to relax her body, and the pain was more bearable. Still, she couldn't resist the urge to wince as her inner walls were spread apart.

Olivia leaned in, pressing her lips to the hammering of her temporal pulse. "Squeeze my hand, sweetheart. Slow, deep breaths. Try to keep your muscles loose. You're doing great. I love you."

Inhale.

"I'm going to get two swabs. It'll take less than a minute."

Exhale.

"You may feel a cramping sensation. That's totally normal."

Inhale.

"Some discomfort is to be expected, but let me know if you feel intense pain."

Exhale.

"You still doing okay, Alex?"

Alex nodded, her eyes opening for the first time since the successful insertion of the instrument she'd always likened to the pear of anguish. The nod sent relief rushing through Olivia, who stroked her thumb over the woman's wrinkled forehead. Alex had said she was okay. And for the first time ever, it wasn't a lie.

"You're okay, baby. Just keep breathing, my love."

Inhale.

"Alex, I'm going to pull out the speculum now. This shouldn't be painful, but it's important to keep breathing. Here we go."

Exhale.

She grimaced as the intrusion ended, her uterine muscles contracting in response to the irritation of her cervix. "Alex, I'd be comfortable passing on the manual exam today if that's what you'd prefer."

"Please. I don't think I can."

"No worries. I don't want to make you any more uncomfortable than necessary. You may have some cramping for the rest of the day, and nausea is also normal. Some bleeding is also nothing to be concerned about, so I'm going to leave you a maxi pad to put in your underwear. If you're experiencing severe pain or what you feel to be excessive bleeding, just call the office. Some soreness in response to the irritation is also to be expected, but if anything is concerning to you, I'm happy to take your call." The doctor disposed of her gloves, thanking Deidre for her help, and then the assistant exited with the samples from Alex's pap to grant them more privacy. Both women assisted Alex in sitting up, Olivia's hand immediately finding her back and rubbing in slow, steady circles. "Everything looks normal to me, and I'll be in contact with the results of your pap smear. What else can I do for you today, Alex?"

"Well, since you know now, that scar tissue...?" The doctor nodded in understanding. "Is that normal? Like, I know sometimes it makes these appointments hard. Will it impact...sexual functioning?"

"Has it in the past?" Dr. Whitley questioned, lowering the exam table and tucking the stirrups back into their place.

"No," she answered too quickly, biting her lower lip. "I mean, I don't know. I haven't really...I don't even use tampons." Olivia watched silently as the women spoke, wiping some blonde hair off of the ADA's sweaty brow.

"I see." Dr. Whitley interlaced her fingers over her lap. "I can tell you that today, I didn't have much of a problem beyond needing some extra lubricant. Please keep me in the loop, Alex, and I'm happy to discuss this further should an issue arise."

Cabot had been waiting for a buzz word the doctor hadn't yet used. "You mean, like vaginismus or something?"

"It's possible. Is that what you're worried about?"

"Yes." She glanced at Liv for a moment, and the brunette just gave her a sad smile. She hated feeling out of the loop, especially since Alex had been telling her so much in the past several months. Why hadn't this come up? "I'm not sure I'm ready to talk about it or go through another exam, but...if everything was fine today, does that mean as long as I'm relaxed, I'm good?"

"Vaginismus can impact survivors of sexual trauma more often than the general population, and it's usually more psychological than physical, as it's an involuntary reaction of the limbic system, the same system that controls fight-or-flight. But everyone's case is different, and at this point, I don't think we're ready for a diagnosis. That being said—" She swiveled her stool over to a desk that adorned several different brochures. "—here is some information about it if you'd like to do some research. If it's any assurance, nothing I saw today gave me cause for great concern, though it is possible you have a mild to moderate case of secondary vaginismus, meaning penetration is possible but difficult, and it was caused by a known precipitant—in your case, abuse. I'm happy to explore this with you further, Alex, especially if you're particularly worried about it, when you feel more ready. And of course, let me know if you have any questions."

She nodded, satisfied with this response for now. "I will. Thank you."

"Is there anything else you'd like to talk about today, Alex?"

"No, I think I'm good." She squeezed her girlfriend's hand, knowing she was likely confused by the spontaneous subject change.

"I'll leave you to put your clothes on then. When you're ready, just turn right at the check-in desk and the door to the waiting room should be on your left." The blonde nodded, inhaling deeply. "I'll be in touch, Alex. It was nice to meet you, Olivia."

"You too, Doctor."

After Dr. Whitley had left, Olivia turned again to her girlfriend, brushing a few strands of hair behind her shoulder. "Hey, how long have you been worried about that?"

"Not too long, not consciously at least. But it is what made me stop yesterday. I tried...and then I got tense and it made me nervous." She moved to hop off of the examination table, but she stopped when her head began to spin.

Liv opened her mouth to reply, but her girlfriend's intentional breathing and hand against her forehead interrupted her. "I'm a little dizzy."

"Put your head between your knees for me, and just breathe. Your blood pressure skyrocketed, and it just plummeted. Give yourself a minute." Olivia rubbed wide circles into the other woman's back as her breathing returned to normal.

"Thank you," she said eventually, not wanting to underexaggerate her gratitude for the brunette. "For being here. For holding my hand."

"You are so welcome, my love." Olivia put aside her previous concerns for the time being. The prosecutor needed to come down from her adrenaline rush, and if she were being honest, so did she. "I would never make you do this alone. Keep breathing. Are you hurting?"

She shrugged eventually, slowly lifting up her head, the color returning to her face. "Only a little. It actually wasn't as bad as I'm used to."

When they'd gotten to the car, Liv decided to address the elephant in the vehicle, pulling on her seatbelt and reaching for the other woman's hand. She needed a few answers before she continued with her day. "So, are you thinking it's vaginismus that's making penetration physically difficult? Not your scar tissue?"

"I'm not sure, honey. And I don't really know what I expected from Dr. Whitley," she conceded, letting her fingers play with Olivia's and grimacing at a cramp. "It's not like I gave her any real experiential evidence, and I didn't invite her to examine me again."

"She seems like she wants to be helpful. So when you have more to tell her or are more comfortable talking about it, you have a doctor that's on your side."

"Maybe I'll call her soon to discuss it. Depending on what happens between now and then."

Benson knew what the younger woman was implying. "Hey, you know there's no pressure on my end, yeah? If this is something that matters to you, then I am absolutely on board. But you already have so much on your plate, love. So, try to be gentle with yourself."

"Right back at you, Miss 'How Long Have You Been Worried About That?'" Alex offered the brunette an understanding smile. "None of this is because of something you did, or didn't do, sweetie. I didn't tell you when it happened because it really wasn't a big deal. It just occurred to me to ask about it, okay?"

Liv nodded, giving her partner's thigh a squeeze before putting the car in reverse. "Okay."

A/N: Thank you as always for reading! A small time jump in the next chapter, and then the trial starts. Writing courtroom proceedings is one my favorites. It's a major plotline in In the First Degree and I'm looking forward to tackling it again. Saturday is my 22nd birthday, so I'd love some comments as a birthday present. Stay well!

-Gabby