I have a lot of apologies to make, most to my readers and some to myself. If you want both the long and short of it, life caught me up in its jaws and I allowed it to swallow me whole. I lost confidence in my ability to write and my ability to finish this story and so I simply let it slide. And slide. And continue sliding.
But here I am. I won't attempt to try and explain what bizarre set of circumstances has brought me here, back working on a story that I'm certain everyone thought I had abandoned several years ago. That would take ages and wouldn't even be particularly entertaining. I will say, though, that I am sorry to anyone out there who I let down. You deserved better than what you got from me.
I will also say that all former bets about this story are now off. I feel like I'm definitely a different person than the one who started writing this inasmuch as time changes anyone and, looking back on where I intended to go with it, I have made some definite revisions. So buckle up because I think we might all be in for a slightly longer, stranger ride than we thought on this one.
Also, in preparation to start writing BtSS again, I went back and read through all my old chapters, which naturally ended with me revising a good number of them. So feel free to go back and read through if you like as things may have shifted a bit.
Mini-history lesson:
-Kōkyū: A section within the Dairi inhabited by court ladies, which often meant concubines and the like. There were others, though, as well, but I'm going to leave this a bit vague for now as it might give away some future plot points before I am ready to. But just know that this place is an actual historical one within the Dairi (or Inner Palace).
-Daijō-kan: Unlike the note above, this is a place partially of my own invention. Daijō-kan historically speaking is the term for the Great Council of State (or the Council as I've referenced them most often in this story). That means the members who made up the governing body beneath the Tennō. There was no place or term I could find, though, for anywhere within the Dairi that these men would be housed, likely because they would not have been living in the Dairi but outside of it in their own residences within the Heian-kyō. I, however, am tweaking this within the story to suit my purposes, so within the context of this story it will reference a specific building within the Dairi.
-Tsubaki: The Tsubaki flower (or the camellia in English) in Japan is symbolic of discretion and perfect love. The only times we ever see Inuyasha's mother Izayoi in the anime she is usually seen wearing a juni-hito patterned with what I am pretty sure is the tsubaki flower, so pardon me while I go cry for awhile after catching that little piece of symbolism while researching.
And now, without any further delay than that of nearly a decade, on with the story.
"...Are you listening to me, Inuyasha?"
There was a long stretch of silence. Kagome frowned.
"Inuyasha?" she repeated, waving a hand before the hanyou's face in the hopes of catching his attention.
"Huh?"
He lifted his gaze from where it had been fixated none-too-subtly on the flesh of her chest that was left exposed by the gaping neckline of his too-large haori. Kagome's frown deepened as she reached to tuck the garment more closely about herself, a flush warming her cheeks.
Inuyasha had almost insisted on her donning his haori when they had woken not long ago, asserting that it was better suited to keep her warm despite the almost complete lack of chill in the room. Kagome had agreed, still too sleepy to put much thought into anything beyond trying to force herself up and out of the comfort of his arms to begin the day.
She was beginning to regret her easy assent, though, as he now seemed entirely too interested in the sight of her.
The hanyou flushed in turn as he realized that he had been caught, a scowl creeping up to mask his embarrassment. He huffed, quickly averting his gaze.
"Keh," he muttered. "Not like I haven't already seen them already."
Kagome's hand shot out, blindly grabbing the nearest thing she could get hold of and chucking it with all her might at him where he still reclined in her futon. It turned out to be no more than a hair ornament and, much to her chagrin, he caught it one-handed.
"If the sight is already so familiar, then perhaps it does not warrant so much of your attention," she said stiffly.
His flush deepened at that, though his gaze crept down once more as if of its own volition. As soon as she had released her hold on it the fabric had gaped wide once more.
Kagome felt her face heat further, but a glance at the expression on his face stopped any further outrage short on the tip of her tongue. His look was so openly appreciative of the sight of her, eyes traveling carefully the length of her as if to burn it into his memory, that it was difficult to hold onto her modest indignation.
The sight of the rest of him also did little to inspire outrage in her. He still lay within her futon, not having bothered yet with trying to rise or ready himself for the day, and while her blankets concealed him up to the hip his torso was bare to the morning sunlight.
Kagome realized abruptly that she had never before seen him in such a state of undress in the light of day. It had always been under the cover of darkness and in the heated rush of them coming together, leaving her little room to truly appreciate the sight.
She could not deny that she appreciated it now. His chest and arms were all corded muscle and hard lines, clearly visible even in recline. His skin, slightly darker than her own, was perfectly smooth and unblemished. It seemed unfair that the kami could create anyone who looked so well as he did both clothed and unclothed.
Her gaze skimmed up the line of his chest to his face, golden eyes catching her own. She flushed deeply, mortified to realize from the smirk that stretched suddenly across his features that she had been caught ogling him in much the same way he had been her.
He rose from the futon suddenly, crossing the scant distance between them and baring even more of himself to her gaze as the blankets fell away. She felt a flicker of excitement curl through her as she realized that the nenju he still wore about his neck and his haori tied loosely about her frame were the last vestiges of clothing left to separate them.
"Wait."
She forced the word out, his lips a hair's breadth from her own. Inuyasha pulled back slowly, a frown drawing his brows together.
"The servants," she murmured, careful to keep her voice low. "They must be up and about by now. It's near the time that they usually bring me breakfast. If they were to discover us…"
She trailed off, vaguely mortified at even the idea of someone walking in on the two of them. Inuyasha's frown deepened into almost a pout, even the ears atop his head drooping somewhat.
He paused, one ear swiveling towards the shoji behind them. Mere moments later a shadow appeared behind it, moving to kneel just outside the room.
"O-Miko-sama," a woman's voice called. "Shall I have breakfast prepared for you? Or will you be needing us to help you dress to go out?"
Kagome raised her brows, giving the hanyou a pointed look.
"I told you," she mouthed silently.
Inuyasha rolled his eyes.
"Breakfast would be perfect," Kagome replied aloud. "If you wouldn't mind having it brought to my room, I think I will eat here this morning."
"Of course, O-Miko-sama," she said, her outline bowing before the shoji. "I'll return shortly."
The outline rose and there was the soft sound of retreating steps. Kagome waited a few moments more to be safe before rising.
"We need to hide you," she whispered, gesturing towards the folding screen tucked away in the corner of her room.
He rose, as well, and her eyes widened as she was reminded forcefully of his continued state of undress. She averted her eyes quickly, her face burning for what seemed the hundredth time that morning.
"Clothes," she murmured. "We definitely need clothes, as well."
Careful to keep her gaze high, she pushed at his shoulders until he was concealed behind the screen. Hastily she gathered up his clothing from where it was scattered haphazardly throughout the room, tossing it over the screen to him.
She paused, realizing that she still wore his haori. Surely the servants would not fail to notice such a distinct piece of clothing. She glanced over her shoulder and, satisfied that Inuyasha was busy redressing himself, hurriedly slipped out of the garment and into her sleeping yukata. She tossed it over the folding screen to Inuyasha, regretting almost instantly the loss of the smell of him enveloping her.
Just in time, though, as the sound of light footsteps neared her the shoji to her room once more. Kagome scrambled into her futon, hastily tucking the blankets about her as if she had only just risen.
"May I enter, O-Miko-sama?"
Kagome spared a quick glance at the screen to make certain that Inuyasha was fully concealed before replying.
"You may."
The woman slid the shoji open, bowing before entering the room with a large tray of food. She set it down on a low wooden table not far from the folding screen. Kagome eyed it, noting the abundance of dishes.
"Chūsei-san's orders," the girl said cheerfully, catching her look. "She says we need to make sure that you're keeping your strength up, busy as you always are, O-Miko-sama."
She was one of Chūsei's, then. Kagome offered her a smile.
"Thank you," she said. "Your efforts are invaluable to me."
The girl fairly beamed at the praise.
"As yours are to us," she replied. "Also, O-Miko-sama, if I may be so bold as to say it, you have a glow about you this morning of good health. Has something happened?"
Kagome felt her smile slip a notch, her glance darting to the folding screen before she could stop it. She fought down a blush she could feel threatening to rise.
"J-just a good night's rest," she said.
The girl nodded, accepting this easily enough.
"They say it can do wonders for a body," she said. "Well, I wish you many more night's like last, then. I'll take my leave, O-Miko-sama, and allow you some peace to eat."
Kagome nodded weakly, fighting down the urge to cover her face with her hands. She could have sworn she caught some small strangled noise from behind the folding screen and she shot it a glare.
"Thank you," she managed to the girl as she bowed, sliding the shoji closed.
Soft footsteps trailed away. Inuyasha emerged from behind the screen, his look nothing short of smug as he eyed her.
"Don't," she said warningly.
He flopped down beside the low wooden table where the food had been placed, grabbing a piece of grilled fish and popping it into his mouth even as his gaze never left her face.
"A good night's rest, huh?" he said, self-satisfaction curling around each word.
Kagome glared, though the ferocity of the look was somewhat undermined by a blush that she was sure must rival Inuyasha's haori in color. She half-wished the floor would simply open and swallow her, if only to end the non-stop mortification of the morning.
"Don't eat with your hands," she chided to cover her embarrassment. "And don't talk with your mouth full. Have you already forgotten all of our lessons together?"
The hanyou rolled his eyes, pointedly grabbing another piece of fish and shoving it into his mouth.
"Like I could forget," he muttered.
He paused, glancing from the food to her as he reached for another bite. He rose suddenly and in one quick motion picked up the table. The dishes atop rattled precariously and Kagome tensed.
He managed to set the table down directly before her without toppling anything. Kagome blinked at him as he gave her and then the food a pointed look.
"Eat," he said, pushing a dish towards her. "Chūsei's right. You don't eat nearly enough for all the running around you do."
"I eat plenty," Kagome murmured, though she took up the hashi laid out on the table.
Inuyasha watched her for several more moments until he was satisfied that she was indeed eating before resuming his own meal. Kagome watched him from the corner of her eye as she ate-albeit much more sedately than the hanyou-quietly reflecting that perhaps this was not too bad a way to pass a morning after all. Though they would really need to find a more discreet way of going about this in the future.
She paused, her hashi poised just before her lips.
Would this continue in the future? And, if so, for how long? How long could they possibly carry on in such an odd manner? With the necessity of the appointments and Inuyasha securing his position by producing an heir looming large-
Kagome set her hashi down. Inuyasha glanced at her, frowning faintly.
"Kagome?"
"About what I was trying to tell you earlier," she said, unable to quite meet his gaze. "I learned something a few days ago that you should know."
Inuyasha paused, his gaze fixing fully on her.
"I spoke with Taira Kagura-sama," she said softly.
"You what?" Inuyasha said, a hint of ire creeping into his tone.
Kagome held up a hand to forestall him.
"I wasn't in any danger," she said quickly. "Kagura-sama...she felt she owed me something. She was merely making good on her word to me."
Inuyasha's frown only deepened.
"Kagura?" he echoed incredulously. "Taira Kagura? The one who hates our guts and has tried to undermine us at every fucking turn?"
"We have come to...an understanding of sorts," Kagome hedged.
Kagura's feelings were no one's concern save hers and Sesshomaru's unless the youkai woman chose to make them known. Kagome would certainly not be the one to expose her, not even to Inuyasha.
If anything Inuyasha's frown only deepened at the vague explanation, but he was silent as he waited for her to continue.
"She told me the story of a boy named Onigumo, who was brought into the court years ago and adopted by the Taira," Kagome said softly, her gaze falling to her lap. "A boy who I believe is responsible for the deaths of your father and mother, as well as many others."
"...What?"
Kagome lifted her gaze to his face. His eyes wide, almost stricken as they met hers. Her heart twisted in her chest and she reached out, placing her hand over his where it rested atop the table.
"Onigumo, he's the spider youkai that I have encountered so many times," she continued. "Or, at least, I am fairly certain that he is. Kagura-sama said that he was human when he was brought into the court, but that he...he changed somehow. Became something else."
"She said that he has been controlling her and others, possibly a good number among the Taira clan and even outside of it. She thinks that he has been working to take the throne for himself, biding his time until he has enough power."
She paused, searching Inuyasha's face. His hand had curled into a fist beneath hers, claws leaving small grooves in the wood of the table even as he was careful not to hurt her. His gaze had turned inward, features drawn tight.
"And how do we know she isn't feeding you a load of bullshit?" he said lowly.
Kagome shook her head.
"I have no way of knowing for certain," she said. "But I trust her."
Inuyasha glanced at her, nodding after a moment.
"Then tell me where to find the fucking bastard," he said. "I'll tear him limb from limb for what he's done to you and my mother."
Kagome frowned, her gaze falling away from his.
"Kagura-sama wasn't able to tell me where he is," she said. "Save that he's no longer here in the court. She said that he really only communicates with her to give her orders, but tells her little else."
"Then we have to get him to show himself," Inuyasha said. "Bastard can't just hide in the shadows forever. There's gotta be something we can use to draw him out!"
Kagome blinked, realizing suddenly that there was something. Something that she had that Naraku very much wanted.
Inuyasha paused, seeing the shift in her expression.
"Kagome?"
"There is something," she said aloud, faintly. "Something that I have that Kagura-sama said Onigumo has been searching for for some time. I think...I think we could use it to lure him out, but…"
She trailed off, a chill rippling across her flesh. Inuyasha's hand, still beneath hers on the table, shifted to grasp her own. Her gaze fixed on their interlocked hands and she found that she could not raise it to meet his own.
"Kagome," he said, leaning towards her. "What are you talking about?"
She found herself hesitating. From all that she had experienced and all that she had heard from Midoriko, the Shikon rarely brought anything but misfortune to those who knew of its existence. Was she truly prepared to risk bringing Inuyasha into that?
His hand tightened around hers and she glanced up at him. His expression was earnest as he watched her, his concern for her undisguised.
Kagome took a deep breath. She trusted him and, whatever might happen, she would make certain that the misfortune of the Jewel would never touch him.
"It's called the Shikon Jewel," she said softly. "I've...I've carried it with me since I was young, though I only learned of it after coming to the court. It's...powerful. It was passed down from the kami and can grant any wish, but it's dangerous. It can twist people, corrupt their hearts somehow."
"But if it can grant any wish, why not use it?" Inuyasha said. "We could wish defeat on our enemies, wish for peace for the villages, wish for-"
He cut himself short, but his eyes were intent on her face. Too intent. Kagome shook her head.
"It's difficult to explain, but the wish has to be right," she said. "I have sworn to guard it with my life until I can figure out what the right wish is."
She pushed the blanket down past her hips, reaching down to press her fingertips to the point on her hip where she knew the Shikon to be. She applied gentle pressure to the spot, focusing her spiritual energy into it until it began to glow a soft pink through the light fabric of her sleeping yukata. The flesh around it tingled strangely, a sensation almost like small embers blooming beneath her skin.
Inuyasha's eyes widened, the soft glow reflected in them. He reached out, his fingertips touching her own as they grazed the spot.
"It's inside of you?" he said.
"It's a bit of a long story," Kagome replied softly. "But yes. It's housed inside of me now and I intend to keep it there until the right wish can be found."
Inuyasha's gaze rose back to her face, his brow furrowing deeply.
"Kagome," he said. "You can't be serious. Holding on to that thing-"
"Is my duty," Kagome broke in firmly. "This is what I have chosen, Inuyasha, and I did not tell you about it so that you could try to talk me out of it."
Inuyasha's frown sharpened into a glare. He opened his mouth, jaw clearly set for an argument, but brought himself up short at the look on her face. He had seen it often enough to know that there was no winning against it. He huffed out a sigh, shaking his head.
"Fine," he snapped. "But that means we're definitely not using it to lure that bastard out."
Kagome blinked, surprised by the sudden shift.
"What?" she said. "But, Inuyasha, your mother and father-"
"Don't get me wrong," Inuyasha said. "I'm gonna find that fucker and when I do I'm gonna make him pay for what he did to my mother and my old man a thousand times over. But I won't use you as bait to do it, Kagome. I can't. There's bound to be some other way to draw him out, and I swear that I'll find it."
"Inuyasha…"
Without thought she leaned forward, wrapping her arms about him. She pressed herself close, grateful to feel his arms come up around her.
"We'll find him," she murmured into his shoulder. "I swear to you we will find him and stop him. We will make it right for everyone."
"Yeah."
Stealth, Kagome reflected grimly, was not a skill that Inuyasha possessed in abundance. She knew that she should have expected as much from all that she knew of him already, but it was another thing entirely to see it in action.
After a few more half-hearted attempts between them to think of ways beyond the Shikon Jewel that Onigumo-or Naraku, as Kagome informed Inuyasha that he might now be called-might be induced to reveal himself, they gave the effort over for the time being in favor of finishing breakfast. They both vowed to continue thinking the matter over on their own and to alert the other should they come up with anything.
Thus it was that after Inuyasha finished shoveling as much food into his mouth as he could manage and pressing her to do the same that they both realized the necessity of getting him out of her chambers and back to his own as quickly as possible before they ended up being discovered.
Any hallways were out of the question as the sun had risen high enough that there would be servants bustling about almost anywhere that they might think to go. Luckily there was a high window in Kagome's room that the hanyou could just clear, though he admitted this only reluctantly when pressed as to how he had been able to get into her room in the first place.
Just outside the window were the west gardens of the residence, surrounded by a high wall that Inuyasha could easily leap. All that they needed to do was ensure that the west garden was clear of witnesses and no one would be any the wiser about his presence there that night.
Inuyasha said he could not scent or hear anyone out in the area and, after eyeing her for a long moment, leaned in to press a hasty kiss to her lips before fairly fleeing the room.
Of course, in the process of fleeing he also managed to both knock over the folding screen with his foot and hit something out in the garden with such force that nearby birds were startled into flight. Kagome sighed, reflecting as she heard the guards hurrying down the hall towards her room that they really needed to find a better way to go about this.
After a few convoluted explanations to the guards about some strange bird that had flown into her window and caused the ruckus, she was at last allowed to dress and leave her residence.
With her guard in tow she decided to do a small circuit through the streets of the court before heading to her ultimate destination of the Chūwain. The handful of courtiers who approached her on her way confirmed what she had suspected, most of their comments vague allusions to the rumored appointments that were to occur. Word had indeed spread quickly.
She and Inuyasha would need to get to work on finding a way to make those selections soon. At least, she lamented to herself, as soon as she could get Inuyasha himself to fully accept the idea.
She climbed the towering steps to the Chūwain, sparing a glance for the west wing as she went. For half a moment she considered going to see Sesshoumaru, but dismissed the idea quickly. She had already pushed the youkai just to the point of agreeing to help her. There was no use in pushing any further for the time being. He would summon her when he was ready.
She passed beneath the tori and moved through the purification ritual alongside her guards, clapping to alert the kami to their presence before turning her steps towards the main hall.
She came across several disciples of the temple there who told her that Midoriko was currently out performing a blessing, but that she would likely return soon if she wished to wait. Kagome agreed, informing them that she would be waiting in Amaterasu's pagoda if they could direct Midoriko there upon her return. They agreed, offering to have tea and food brought out to her. Kagome declined, still uncomfortably full after Inuyasha's relentless efforts to have her eat enough breakfast.
At the pagoda Kagome asked her guard to fall back a bit and they obliged, moving to ring the area as she crossed over the small stream that surrounded the statue.
She breathed a soft sigh as she crossed the threshold, her thoughts quieting almost instantly. Ever since Midoriko had first shown it to her the statue of Amaterasu had had a calming effect on her, but now as she neared it she could feel the sun scar on her shoulder warm as if bathed in the rays of the sun. It was a soothing warmth, spreading slowly through her limbs as she came to kneel before the statue.
It was first time she had been back since Amaterasu had revealed herself to her through the statue, and she wondered if the kami was still present there. The stone eyes that looked out on her now were kind but vacant.
Kagome breathed deeply, her eyes sliding shut. She tried to picture that place where she had lain in an endless field of tall grass with the warmth of the sun caressing her limbs. Tried to picture those eyes that had gazed down at her, their color an otherworldly amber and their expression infinitely kind.
Amaterasu had said that she was glad that Kagome had chosen to return. She had said that she would be watching over her. Was she pleased by what she saw now? Was she walking a path that the kami could be proud of?
It was difficult to know. Much of the world around her still seemed a tangle of loose and knotted threads. Thanks to Kagura she now knew who was at the center of so much of the chaos, but not how to find or stop him. She knew of ships off the coast, but not where exactly they were or what their aim might be. She could feel things slowly beginning to knit together in the court and the villages, but she was uncertain how to go about stabilizing them with so much still unsettled.
But for all of this, she did not feel so nearly so frightened as she once had. Because now he was at her side. Because, for all that their relationship had become far from traditional, she felt now more than ever before his steadying presence beside her. Because as long as they were together she knew that they could keep moving forward.
"Kagome?"
Kagome started slightly, drawn abruptly back into herself. She blinked, turning to face the woman kneeling at her side.
Midoriko offered her a smile that was faintly sheepish around the edges.
"My apologies, child," she said. "I of all people should know better than to interrupt someone during their meditations."
Kagome shook her head, offering the woman a smile in return.
"Not at all," she said. "I was the one who called you out here, after all."
"I am glad that you did," Midoriko replied, settling in beside her. "I will confess that I feared I might have run you off for good after our last conversation."
Kagome blinked, recalling suddenly what exactly their last conversation had been. Shame crept hotly up the back of her neck as she recalled how she had all but fled the elder miko's presence after Midoriko had shared with her one of her darkest moments. She bowed her head low before the other woman.
"My apologies, Midoriko-sama," she said, eyes fixed on her lap as she bowed over it. "You attempted to share something very precious to you with me and I-"
"Raise your head, Kagome," Midoriko cut across her gently.
Kagome did so slowly. Midoriko's eyes were gentle as they met hers, no hint of reproval there.
"I pressed you too hard," she said. "What was meant to be merely a guiding hand turned into a forceful push in my desire to see that you did not unwittingly repeat my mistakes. And though I stand fast by my decision to support whatever path you might choose to take, you must be the one to choose to take it. Anything less would be meaningless."
Kagome glanced at the statue of Amaterasu beside them, her mentor's words unwittingly echoing the words the kami had spoken to her in that otherworldly place. She smiled softly to herself.
"I told his Majesty of the Shikon today," she said, careful to keep her voice low enough that it did not carry to the guards ringing the pagoda.
Midoriko's brows rose. She frowned faintly.
"That is a great deal of trust to place in someone," she said softly.
Kagome nodded, silently conceding this. Her gaze shifted back to Midoriko's face.
"I know," she said. "But the Tennō-sama's heart is good, however his Majesty might work to conceal it. I have faith in him."
Midoriko nodded, though her expression only grew more sober.
"I have no doubt of it," she said. "But I have seen even good hearts brought low by the Shikon. The world carves weakness into all who live, and weakness naturally seeks out power to conceal itself."
Kagome frowned, silently conceding this. Still, she could not believe that she had been wrong in choosing to trust Inuyasha.
"What did his Majesty say of it?" Midoriko asked after Kagome was silent for a beat.
"His Majesty asked if it might be used to make any wish," Kagome said softly. "And asked if it was my intent to continue guarding it. I believe his Majesty was concerned about the risk to me should I continue."
"Rightfully so," Midoriko murmured, casting her a meaningful glance.
Kagome's gaze slid away from hers, her hands twisting in her lap. That was one problem that she still did not feel equal to facing at the moment.
"I had thought that we might begin training today to help me keep from drawing on the Jewel any further," she said, as close as she was willing to come to the subject.
"Of course," Midoriko said. "I will caution you, though, child. Youkai more than most seem to be drawn in by the power of the Jewel. I know his Majesty is only half, however…"
Midoriko trailed off at the look on the younger woman's face. Her look had hardened and even as she met her eyes she could see the line of her shoulders straightening defiantly. Clearly any further warnings concerning their sovereign would fall on deaf ears.
Midoriko sighed. She understood only too well the blinding fervor that love could inspire. She would simply have to continue her watch over the girl as best she could.
"Let us see what we can do by way of controlling your use of the Jewel, then," Midoriko said by way of concession.
Some of the tension went out of Kagome's frame and she nodded.
"Thank you," she said, the air to the words somewhat apologetic. "I would greatly appreciate the instruction."
"I suppose, then, it would be most beneficial to focus on teaching you how to choose where you pull your spiritual energies from," said Midoriko thoughtfully. "Which begs the question, where does your power come from, Kagome?"
Kagome frowned, her head tilting slightly as she considered this. After a moment she gestured to the statue of Amaterasu.
"From the kami," she said. "Do we not all draw
our power from them?"
"Of course," Midoriko said, nodding. "The kami grant all of us the initial gift of our abilities. But each of us must in our journey find something more, something beyond the mere fact that we possess power. A reason. When you think of your reason, you find your own unique source and can better understand how to utilize it."
"My reason?" Kagome echoed.
She frowned, her brow furrowing slightly as she considered this. It seemed a simple enough question, but it was one she had never really given any thought to. Her power had simply been with her since she was young, a thing no more to be questioned than why grass grew or a river flowed.
She closed her eyes, concentrating. Behind her closed lids she saw her mother, her brother, her grandfather. She saw Kaede and Haru. She saw Jinenji and Yuutarou. She saw Shippou and Sango and Miroku.
She saw Inuyasha.
"To protect," she said at last, her eyes sliding open. "My power is meant to protect."
Midoriko smiled, her expression warming.
"A worthy reason indeed," she said softly. "Then,
when you think of wanting to protect someone, where do you most feel it?"
Kagome hesitated a moment before placing a hand over her chest.
"Here, I think," she said.
Midoriko nodded, her smile widening.
"Then that is where you must pull from when you wish to use your power," she said. "It is a thing akin to aiming an arrow. Your intent must be clear and your aim true. Lose either thing and your shot is bound to go awry. Close your eyes, child, and turn your senses inward. Focus on what it is that you wish to protect."
Obediently Kagome's eyes slid shut. She slowed her breath, searching with her senses through her body. The Jewel's energy was there clear as day, but where was her own?
She summoned up thoughts of her family and friends, pictured each of them as if they were before her now.
Suddenly the space inside her chest lit up with an almost blinding brilliance. Her power, she realized with a smile. All her own, unmingled with that of the Jewel.
"That is where you must focus when you wish to use your spiritual energy," she heard Midoriko say as if from a distance. "Pull only from that source and you should be able to avoid drawing on the Jewel."
Kagome nodded, her eyes sliding open once more.
"I think I understand," she said. "But, Midoriko-sama, are there those who draw their power from other places?"
"Of course," Midoriko said, nodding. "I myself pull from somewhere near my eyes, though I have trained disciples over the years who pulled power from almost everywhere, including one man who drew it up from the very soles of his feet. The paths we walk shape us all differently. Just as two people will seldom ever walk the same path, two people will seldom ever share the same source of power."
Kagome nodded, considering this. A small smile tipped up the corners of her lips.
"It's beautiful, isn't it?" she said softly.
Midoriko's look mirrored her own.
"Infinitely," she said.
Kagome remained a time longer with her mentor, Midoriko guiding her through a few exercises more to ensure that she could draw properly from the wellspring of her own spiritual abilities.
Once they had finished they retired to the main hall of the Chūwain at Kagome's request. She had hoped that her mentor might be able to share with her some insight into the appointments and how she and Inuyasha might begin to go about them.
Midoriko was able to provide her with further detail on the practice and how it had been used in the past to foster close relations between the courtiers and the Tennō. She was also able to detail where within the Dairi those called to the appointments were traditionally housed during the time of their service, in the Kōkyū and the Daijō-kan respectively. These residences would need to be cleaned and readied in preparation.
The one thing she could not provide, however, was a method for selecting those to be appointed. It had always been firstborns in the past and thus there were no systems in place for making the selections beyond that.
They had discussed briefly various tests that they might try, but had been unable to settle on anything in particular. For one thing there was the expense and time that would be necessitated by such an endeavor. For another Kagome was entirely uncertain if such tests would even bring her the people she was truly hoping to find.
After all, it was no great feat to discover if a person was knowledgeable or strong or refined. But what tests could be given that would reveal kindness? Greatness of spirit? Strength of will?
It was a shame, Midoriko had lamented before they parted, that it was so difficult to truly know another person's heart.
Upon parting, Kagome had returned to her room in the Chūgū's residence, asking one of the servants there if Chūsei could be sent to her as soon as she was available. If nothing else, she could at least begin to have the residences prepared for when she did figure out how to proceed with the appointments.
She pulled from her trunk the lists that she had drawn up what felt like a lifetime ago of the clans and what she knew of them. Perhaps looking them over might provide her some new insights.
She found as she skimmed through them, though, that much had shifted since last she had had the time to review them. Many of the clans that she had once thought opposed or at least ambivalent to Inuyasha's rule no longer seemed to be so. And then there was the name of the Fujiwara clan glaring up at her from the page-
"That one has always been a particular piece of work," a voice said suddenly from just beside her ear, a finger appearing to tap a page just above the kanji for the name Abe Hakujou.
Kagome jumped, nearly falling back into the figure behind her in her surprise. A gentle hand on her shoulder steadied her.
She turned, meeting the faintly amused look of Chūsei.
"Deep in thought, were we?" the older woman teased gently. "I did call out before I entered."
Kagome offered her a sheepish smile, gesturing to the cushion she had set out beside her.
"My apologies," she said. "I seem to be easily distracted of late."
Chūsei smiled, lowering herself to kneel beside her.
"I can hardly claim to be surprised," she said. "Considering that you have yet to meet a problem that you did not wish to involve yourself in somehow. At least you seem to be eating properly again. This morning's breakfast dishes were spotless when I saw them."
Kagome flushed, her gaze sliding to her hands as she recalled exactly who was responsible for that.
"Yes, well," she hedged. "I suppose I had worked up something of an appetite."
She paused, her flush deepening to a burning red as she realized the implication of her poorly chosen words. Chūsei eyed her suspiciously, but thankfully allowed it to pass without comment.
"I'll be sure to set out more for you on the morrow," she said.
Inwardly Kagome winced, certain there was no way that she could possibly consume that much food. Outwardly she forced a smile, nodding.
"Thank you," she said. "I was also hoping that I might make a request of you, though I know I have likely already made far too many."
Chūsei smiled, shaking her head.
"You know you needn't ask me, O-Miko-sama," she said. "I am yours to command so long as you have need of me."
"I know," said Kagome. "But I want you to know that these are not commands. Anything I ask of you you are free to refuse me without consequence."
"And that is why I will continue to agree," said Chūsei. "It is more than many among us are allowed. So what is it that I can be of help with?"
"I am in need of a master organizer," Kagome said. "And I know of no one more skilled than you, Chūsei-san."
Chūsei flushed faintly at the praise, waving a hand as if to deflect it.
"What am I to be organizing, then?" she said.
"The Kōkyū and the Daijō-kan," Kagome replied. "I am hoping to have them cleaned and furnished for use again."
"For the appointments," Chūsei supplied.
Kagome nodded.
"I assume that the courtiers have been talking about them, then," said Kagome, raising a brow.
"Oh, O-Miko-sama," Chūsei said, shaking her head. "You've no idea. Word of that conversation had already left the Minamoto residence before you even stepped foot outside of it. Safe to say that word has likely reached nearly every corner of the court by now."
Kagome worried her lip lightly between her teeth, uncertain if this was desirable considering where Inuyasha currently stood on the issue. Still, there was no undoing it now. She would simply have to convince him.
"What do they say of it?" she said, turning her gaze back to Chūsei.
"Many seem interested from what we have been able to gather," the older woman replied. "A few wary. I think most are eager to have a pair of eyes close to yourself and his Majesty that they might more closely observe you. And the potential for power and advancement certainly has its own appeal for them."
Kagome frowned, her gaze sliding to the names on the papers strewn out across her table. She sighed, running a finger lightly along a row of kanji as if it might reveal something to her.
"That's what worries me," she said. "I do not wish for this to become a mere bid for power. I want to...to build something. To begin to try and create a court and Council that will work for all of us, not just some."
Chūsei smiled softly, reaching out to place her hand lightly over Kagome's on the table.
"I have faith in you, O-Miko-sama," she said. "I have been allowed to see enough of your heart in my time serving you to know you will settle for nothing less."
Kagome's gaze slid from their hands to Chūsei's face, her brow furrowing slightly.
"My heart?" she echoed, the words somehow ringing odd in her ears.
Her eyes grew wide. She leapt up, gripping Chūsei's hand in both of hers and nearly dragging the woman up with her.
"O-Miko-sama, what-?"
"Chūsei-san, that's perfect!" Kagome exclaimed.
Chusei frowned, clearly confused. Kagome fairly beamed at her, giving her hand a small shake in her excitement.
"It's you, Chūsei-san! You are the answer!" Kagome said. "You and all of the servants. You can be the ones to choose!"
Chūsei's frown deepened, her eyes growing round as full moons in her face. She struggled for a moment, her mouth opening and closing as if she could not quite recall how to form words.
"Choose?" she said faintly at last. "O-Miko-sama, you can't mean…"
Kagome nodded, meeting her look steadily.
"I do," she said. "And why not? Your network is already in place. You see them every day, speak with them every day, and you know them perhaps better than anyone else can. Why not you?"
Chūsei blinked, shaking her head.
"I understand your intentions, O-Miko-sama," she said. "And I appreciate deeply the faith you would place in us, but we don't receive the same education or training that courtiers do."
"Perhaps not," Kagome said. "But you recognize kindness. You see honesty. You do not need to read the texts they read to know a strong mind. You do not need to be trained in the language of the fan to see nobility of spirit."
"And who better than you to judge them truly? What better way to truly understand a person than to look at the way in which they treat those from whom they think they have nothing to lose or gain?"
Chūsei met her look, face slightly pale even as some of the tension eased out of her features. Kagome squeezed her hand.
"As I have said, you are free to refuse me anything I ask," she said softly. "And I am asking. Only just consider it first. You know them, do you not? You see them in ways that his Majesty and I will never be able to. Why not lend us your eyes once more?"
Chūsei hesitated, her gaze falling to the floor beneath them.
"The amount of power you would be giving to us," she said softly. "Do you understand what it would mean?"
Kagome offered her a small smile.
"Responsibility is what I offer you," she said. "And a great deal of it, I know. But you must also see that it is a chance that perhaps you have never had before, a chance to have a say in what your future will look like. What all of our futures will look like."
A small tremor passed through the older woman's frame, her eyes still fixed on the floor between them. Suddenly, though, her head jerked up, her eyes twin blazing suns.
She nearly launched herself forward, her arms wrapping about Kagome's frame so tightly that for a moment the younger woman thought she might mean to squeeze the last breath from her body.
"And what sort of weak-hearted fool would I be to refuse this?" she murmured. "Only promise me one thing: whatever this future is that we build, we build it together."
Kagome smiled, swallowing against the sudden tightness in her throat. She nodded, her arms coming up around the woman in return.
"Always."
Kagome remained with Chūsei only a little longer to discuss the matter, both women still a bit too excited to be able to plan with clear heads. Chūsei also pointed out that she would need a bit of time to reach out to the servants among her network to see if they would be willing, though she seemed to think that with the right explanation they would be inclined to agree.
Kagome had thanked her profusely before nearly running the entire way to Inuyasha's chambers. The idea was too perfect. Surely even he would not be able to object to it if she presented it properly.
She was pleased to see the guards outside his chambers, signaling that he was indeed inside. She had thought he might be as the light was rapidly fading out of the day, but of late his schedule had been so erratic that it was hard to know for certain.
She bowed to the guards as she reached them and they bowed in return, allowing her entry without question. Her own guard of two men silently joined them to wait at the entrance to Inuyasha's chambers.
Kagome blinked as she stepped past the entryway hanging, surprised that for once Inuyasha had lit several of the lamps in his chamber. The room was bathed in a soft glow, the faint smell of smoke from the oil curling through it.
A loud sneeze sounded from a corner of the room, drawing Kagome's attention. She was surprised once more to see Inuyasha there, face screwed up as he scrubbed his sleeve beneath his nose.
Kagome blinked, cocking her head slightly as she considered him.
"Did you just sneeze?" she said.
Inuyasha lowered his sleeve, his expression twisting defensively.
"Keh," he said. "What? Am I not allowed to sneeze now?"
"It's not that," Kagome said. "I just don't think I have ever seen you do it before. You've always told me that hanyou do not get cold or fall ill."
"Hanyou don't get sick," Inuyasha said stubbornly. "I just caught a whiff of something that stinks."
He wrinkled his nose, casting a baleful glance at the lantern nearest to him.
"Is it the lanterns?" Kagome said, recalling how sensitive his sense of smell was. "Is that why you never light them? We can put them out if they are bothering you."
She stepped further into the room, moving towards the lantern nearest to her.
"Wait," Inuyasha said, half rising from where he sat as far from the lanterns as he could position himself. "Leave 'em. It's f-"
He was cut short by another sneeze, even more powerful than the last. He blinked, eyes crossing in a glare as if his own nose had somehow betrayed him.
"Inuyasha…"
"It's fine," the hanyou repeated.
Kagome eyed him skeptically. He flushed faintly, his gaze sliding away.
"Look, you humans don't see too good in the dark because your eyes are so weak, right?" he said. "I just thought this would be more comfortable for you, alright?"
The latter part of the sentence devolved into a murmur so low Kagome scarcely caught it. She blinked, slowly processing the words.
He was trying to make his chambers more comfortable for her.
Warmth filled her chest, expanding until it felt as if she might be consumed by it. She felt an answering flush spread across her face.
"Oh," she said softly. "Thank you."
He huffed, crossing his arms over his chest even as the red on his cheeks deepened. He shot her a glance from the corner of his eye, his expression softening somewhat.
"Yeah."
Kagome smiled, moving the last of the way to kneel at his side.
Closer up she could see that his skin had a faint sheen to it, moisture pooling in small beads across it. The mass of his silver hair hung in a sodden tangle down his back, dampening the back of his haori in a dark patch.
"What?" Inuyasha said, catching her look. "Hanyou bathe just like everyone else, too."
Kagome shot him a dry look before her gaze was drawn back to his hair, a frown edging her lips.
"Of course you do," she said. "But look at your hair! It's a mess, and it's still all wet. Did the servants not help you to brush it out?"
She paused, realizing as she spoke the words that if Inuyasha's baths were anything like the ones she had been subjected to so many times, then it was likely female servants who were bathing him. A sudden image formed in her mind's eye of Inuyasha, naked and reclining in a large tub as servant women fussed all around him.
She frowned, feeling a faint prickle of something unpleasant creep through her.
"Keh," said Inuyasha, blessedly drawing her away from the thought. "As if I need help to wash myself. I banned the servants from coming anywhere near that tub while I'm in it forever ago. Besides, the few times I let 'em do it when I was a kid, all they did was stare at me like a bunch of weirdos. My mother finally had to take over doing it just to get them to cut it out."
Until his mother was not there to do it anymore either, Kagome reflected to herself. And then he had only had himself.
She could only imagine how he must have felt. To be a child was already to be infinitely small and vulnerable, open and attuned to any slight, and to add to the strangeness of it people who should have been responsible for his care staring at him as if he were some kind of oddity…
Her heart twisted in her chest.
"I could do it for you, if you want," she said.
His gaze snapped to hers, his eyes growing wide. Her own eyes widened as she caught the accidental implication of her words.
She held up her hands as if to snatch the words back, her face heating.
"B-Brush your hair out for you!" she stammered. "Not the bathing thing! J-just to help get the snarls out of it…"
She trailed off weakly, wishing that the floor might somehow swallow her.
Inuyasha blinked, some of the shock going out of his expression.
"Oh," he said. "Y-yeah. I guess, if you want."
Kagome nodded, faintly surprised that he was going to allow her. She would have thought he would have put up a little more resistance.
"Do you have a comb somewhere?" she asked.
He frowned, considering this for a moment before gesturing with his chin to a nearby black lacquered wooden chest.
"In there maybe?" he said, the words more question than statement.
Kagome raised her brows, rising to go to the chest.
"It really has been awhile, hasn't it?" she murmured.
"I heard that," Inuyasha said, an ear swiveling meaningfully in her direction. "It always dries out just fine on its own."
Kagome rolled her eyes, her hands sifting through the contents of the chest. Her fingers skimmed across the telltale feel of small tines and she tugged the thing up out of the clutter. She blinked, surprised to find that it was a small ornamental comb. The black spine was patterned with small carvings of the tsubaki flower.
She held it up for the hanyou to see, shooting him a questioning look. He blinked, his expression softening.
"That was my mother's," he said lowly. "Forgot I had that."
He turned away, though not quite quickly enough to conceal the vulnerable look in his eyes.
"Would it be alright if I used it?" Kagome asked softly.
"...Yeah," he said, though he did not turn to face her.
Kagome nodded to herself, rising to move back to his side. She knelt down behind him just within reach of his hair. She reached out, gingerly taking a handful of the damp strands into her hand.
She saw him tense almost instinctively, his spine and shoulders going rigid. Kagome paused in her movements as he half-glanced back at her over his shoulder, his eyes uncertain. He relaxed slowly at the sight of her, turning his back to her once more.
"Sorry," Kagome said quietly, though she was uncertain for what.
"'S'alright," he murmured. "Not your fault."
Kagome blinked, looking from the line of his back to the length of silver hair in her hand. She bit her lip, struck suddenly by the trust in her the gesture betrayed.
Slowly, carefully she began to work the comb through the ends of his hair. It was even more impossibly tangled than she had imagined. She watched as she worked the wariness drain gradually from his frame, his body relaxing back towards her.
"Did you mother do this for you, as well?" she asked, her hands working patiently through a particularly bad snarl.
"Yeah. She was the only one, I think."
Kagome frowned, glancing up at the line of his profile. She could see nothing of his expression and his voice gave away little.
"Where did you go?" she asked after a moment. "I mean, after she...after she had to leave. Where did you go to stay?"
Inuyasha shrugged, a slight jerking of his shoulders.
"A few places," he said, his voice growing distant. "With her clan for a while. Then with a few other minor clans when they got tired of it. Eventually I found places around the court I could be on my own. Everywhere else was too stuffy."
Kagome's eyes slid closed for a moment, her heart clenching at the image of him as a child wandering the court all on his own in search of places to hide.
"I'm sorry," she said, the words scarcely a whisper. "That must have been lonely."
Inuyasha scoffed quietly, but said nothing.
"I think I can understand it a bit," she said. "When I was younger, the children in my village used to run away from me. All I wanted was to be able to play with them, but I think they were a bit scared of me. I always had my mother and grandfather to run back to when I got sad, though, and Souta later on. Still, I always used to wish that I could join the other kids somehow."
She paused, realizing that she had reached the base of his ears as she worked. They twitched faintly and she was struck for a moment by the stark otherness of him.
Midoriko's words from earlier in the day echoed back to her. Kagome frowned.
"What would you wish for?" she said suddenly.
Inuyasha was silent for a long moment.
"I would become a full youkai," he said at last, with a resolve that sent a chill through her.
"...What?" she breathed.
"If I became full, I would finally be strong enough," Inuyasha said lowly. "I would finally be able to protect the people who mattered."
"Inuyasha-"
"I'm not an idiot, Kagome," Inuyasha snapped, the words spilling from him as if he could not contain them any longer. "I get it. I know how many people have suffered because of what I am. My old man. My mother. Kikyou. You. Hell, this whole fucking mess of a court is all because I wasn't strong enough to just take the throne when I should have. And I hate-"
"Stop. Please, stop."
Kagome pressed herself against his back, wrapping her arms around his shoulders and clinging with all of her trembling strength. The comb fell forgotten from her hand as she pressed her face against his still damp shoulder, tears spilling over hotly onto it.
"I'm so sorry," she said, her voice shaking around the words. "I'm so sorry, Inuyasha. I'm sorry that you ever had to feel lonely or afraid. I'm sorry that so few people ever tried to understand you. And I am sorry for every person who ever even hinted that you should hate any part of yourself or that any of what happened was your fault."
"But I have to believe that all of it, every moment, brought you here. Brought you to a place where we could meet, and made you into the person that I know. The person who is strong enough to want to protect people and keep them from suffering. The person I fell in love with. So how can you say that you hate someone that I love so much?"
She could feel Inuyasha tense in her arms and she held him more tightly still, willing him to understand. Slowly his hands came up to grip her arms where they were locked around him. She could feel his hands trembling.
"Kagome…"
His voice cracked around her name, a sound barely above a whisper.
He turned in her arms, forcing her to loosen her hold. Still she clung to him, unwilling to let him go.
His eyes met hers, searching. He lifted his hand to her cheek, clawed thumb swiping at a tear as it tracked down her cheek. She met his eyes, unflinching.
"I love you," she repeated firmly. "This you, right here. So don't go away, alright?"
No sooner had the words left her than he levered himself up in her embrace, pressing his lips to hers.
She was forced to release her hold on him as he rose up, hastily pressing her down to the floor beneath him. His lips never left hers as they moved, working against hers with an urgency that bordered on desperation.
His hands made fast work of her clothing, as if he could not reach her skin quickly enough. His hands rover her sides, her hips, her breasts. They slowed only between her thighs, caressing her there with almost painful care until she was slick with need. Even then his lips did not leave hers, swallowing her small cries and pleas as he worked.
At last when she thought she might go mad at the feeling of it he shifted, his lips leaving hers. There was the rustling of fabric as he freed himself from his sashinuki and then she could feel the head of him pressed against her entrance.
He paused then, lifting his eyes to hers. She met his look, offering him a small smile. His eyes slid shut at the sight, his forehead coming down to rest against her own.
"Kagome, I-"
He cut himself off, his eyes sliding open once more to meet hers. He hesitated, features strained with the effort of some internal struggle. At last she leaned up and kissed him lightly.
"It's alright, Inuyasha," she said as she pulled back. "I'm here."
His eyes slid shut against the words and in one thrust he was inside of her. Kagome gasped, her back arching at the sudden sensation.
"I need you," he murmured against her throat. "I need you, Kagome."
He moved against her, body straining as if he could not get close enough. Kagome's hands came up, questing over any part of him that she could reach. His face, his hair, his ears, his shoulders, the straining muscles of his back. With every touch he pressed more deeply inside of her.
"Kagome," he murmured, and she could feel his muscles beginning to shudder against her.
She shifted her hips against his, her eyes fixed on his face as she urged him on. His eyes were fever bright as they met hers, tracing every line of her face in desperate search of something.
"I love you," she murmured, offering it up to him.
His lips parted, half forming words that he forced back. Instead he thrust harder against her, his head falling forward to murmur her name again and again into the hollow between her neck and shoulder.
A few moments more and he tensed, hips pressed deeply against hers as he found his release. Watching him, Kagome felt her own body shudder. She pressed herself as closely to him as she could get, back arching as the sensation swept through her.
Slowly the feeling eased, leaving in its wake a warm glow that curled throughout her limbs. Inuyasha hovered just above her, breathing hard as he watched her face with half-lidded eyes. She offered him a small smile.
"I'm fine," she said, offering the reassurance he always seemed to seek in the aftermath of their encounters.
He watched her face for a moment longer before appearing to accept the truth of this. He lowered his head to rest against her bare chest, his hair almost dry now as it slipped across her skin like a curtain. Kagome blinked down at the top of his head, slightly surprised at the gesture.
"As a kid I always broke things," Inuyasha murmured into her skin. "That's why my mother's clan wanted to get rid of me. I never meant to. Things always just break so easy."
Kagome frowned. Her hand slid down to caress the top of his hand, fingers trailing lightly over his ears.
"Not everything," she said. "Some things are almost impossible to break."
Silence stretched between them, her hands continuing their idle path through his hair and along his scalp.
"Those kids were idiots," Inuyasha said suddenly.
"Kids?" Kagome echoed, her brow furrowing.
"The ones from your village," he murmured. "The ones who were scared of you. Bunch of little shits. I...I'd have protected you."
His face was angled away from her and hidden by the curtain of his hair, but the sincerity in the words brought a sudden prickle of tears to her eyes. She swallowed, the feeling thick in her throat.
"Thank you," she said. "For wanting to protect me."
He said nothing for a moment, his hand ghosting over her skin until it came to rest atop her hip. His thumb skimmed lightly back and forth over the skin there.
"I'm gonna protect you, Kagome. Whatever it takes."
So consider this a bit of a warm up chapter after my extended absence. Not the most substantive, I know, but I'll beg your pardon as I try to find my footing again with the story and these characters. I hope despite what I'm sure is the extremely rough quality of it and the limited length that you, dear readers, were able to derive at least some enjoyment from it. I'll be starting work on the next chapter immediately, but no promises exactly about when it will make its appearance.
Review if you feel so inclined and don't if you do not. Whatever you do, be safe and be well.
Your long-absent friend,
E-n-B