Dionysus began to read.
Dionysus conquers the world with a refreshing beverage.
"Now that's good way to kick off my chapter, Peter Johnson." Dionysus said.
I SAVED THIS GUY FOR LAST, because he's likely to turn me into a porpoise if I say anything bad about him.
"And you're dam right." Grover said.
And honestly, I'm not sure I can say anything good.
"Then don't tell anything at all." Dionysus said.
Here goes nothing….
A while back I told you about this princess Semele who got vaporized while she was pregnant with Zeus's kid? Anyway, Zeus had to rescue the premature baby by sewing him into his right thigh to keep him alive.
"Yeah, the flashback reawakened my memory. Good job Percy." Frank said.
(Yeah, I know. Just another boring day in the life of a god.)
"Well, its interesting even in godly viewpoint, though." Hermes said.
Several months later, the baby was getting big and uncomfortable in Zeus's leg, so Zeus figured the kid was ready to be born.
"Did Dionysus ever kick?" Percy asked from Zeus. As an answer, he got blown back by the wind and fell onto the floor.
"Yeah, I think that's an answer." Annabeth said, helping Percy to get up.
Zeus undid the stitches. Amazingly, the kid came out alive and healthy.
"Me." Dionysus mumbled.
Zeus wrapped him in a blanket, but he didn't know anything about raising babies, so he called in Hermes.
"Who knows everything about lullabies and all." Hazel said.
"Hey," Zeus said, "take this baby down to the mortal world. I think Semele had a sister or something. Find her and ask her to raise this kid until he's older."
"Zeus is the king of the gods and have lot of responsibilities thn raising a child." Athena said. "And also he doesn't know how to raise a child." She also added, much to the displeasure of Zeus.
"Sure, boss." Hermes took the baby and looked him over. "Is he a god or a demigod or what?"
"A demigod who has powers over his own domain." Piper said.
"Not sure yet," Zeus said. "We'll have to wait and see. But I don't want to be changing diapers in the meantime."
"They're smelly and all." Zeus whispered.
"I hear you. What's his name?"
The kid started screaming and yelling.
"He hates when someone is asking his name. I never noticed." Percy said.
"Is it ok if I call Mr.D as You-Know-who?" Leo asked.
"He always looks like he had U-NO-POO." Nico said.
"For now," Zeus decided, "let's call him Bacchus."
"You had to scream." Poseidon said to Dionysus.
Hermes grinned. "The noisy one? Nice."
"You're not alone, if you were ever to find Nymphadora Tonks." Nico said.
"One more thing: Hera will be looking for him. She hasn't been able to mess with the kid while he's been stuck in my thigh, but she'll notice that the big lump is gone now."
"She is evil genius that way." Hermes said.
"Yeah, that lump was kind of obvious."
"Kind of obvious?" Aphrodite snorted.
"Might be best if Bacchus's aunt raises him like he's a girl, just for a while.
"Then we can call him miss D." Percy muttered.
Maybe that will throw Hera off the scent."
"Bwahahaha!" Audiance broke into laughter.
"Like that would stop Hera." Poseidon choke out through the laughter, trying to wipe his tears away.
Hermes frowned. He didn't see how raising the baby as a girl would help.
"See, I'm the only rational one here." Hermes said.
Hera wasn't so easily fooled, but Hermes knew better than to argue with the boss.
"Keep your cool, and just do the job. No questions." Apollo said.
"Got it," he said. "Off I go!"
Hermes had no trouble finding the baby's Aunt Ino and Uncle Athamas.
"Nice names." Nico said.
They agreed to raise Bacchus with their own children, and the boy grew up at a normal human rate—not super-accelerated, like a god.
"He was a demigod, then." Frank said.
Everybody decided he must be a demigod, but that just made Zeus more fearful that Hera would try to rip the kid apart.
"Because he has less chance to survive against Hera." Athena nodded.
As requested, Ino and Athamas dressed Bacchus in girl's clothing to keep his identity secret.
"Hey, I'm lil' miss Bacchus. Wanna know my secret identity?" Leo asked in a high pitched voice.
The first few years of his life, Bacchus was very confused. He wasn't sure why his foster parents called him "he" in private and "she" in public.
"His burning problem of the first few years." Hephaestus said.
At first he thought all kids were treated that way.
"This is getting weirder and weirder." Nico scratched back of his head. "What am I again? Yeah that's right, I'm a boy." He reminded to himself.
Then, when he was three years old, Hera struck. Somehow she discovered where the baby was living, and she flew down from Olympus, intent on revenge.
"Yup, that proves it." Apollo conjured something in his hand. He cleared his throat.
"Lady Hera, eat a Snickers." He sent the Snickers towards her.
"Why?" Hera asked, taking the Snickers.
"Because you turn into a vengeful psychopath who is trying to kill your husband's girlfriends and their children and families when you're hungry." Apollo said.
Hera shook her head and bit a chunk of chocolate. Soon, the Snickers ended up in her stomach.
"Better?" Apollo asked with a grin.
...
...
...
...
"No!" Hera declared.
By the time Zeus found out what was happening, he only had a few seconds to act. He managed to zap Bacchus into the form of a goat so that Hera wouldn't notice him,
"Thankfully." Dionysus muttered.
but Bacchus's foster parents weren't so lucky.
"What happened to them?" Frank asked.
Hera spotted them and inflicted them with a violent form of madness.
"Somewhat ironic. God of madness lost his foster family due to madness." Hades whispered.
Uncle Athamas thought his oldest son, Learkhos, was a deer and killed him with a bow and arrow.
"I'm not surprised to hear it at all." Annabeth said.
Aunt Ino thought their younger son, Melikertes, needed a hot bath
"That can't be bad, right?" Hazel asked uncertainly.
—a really hot bath, so she drowned him in a basin of boiling water.
"Disgusting." Hestia said softly. "You really should be ashamed of yourself."
Then Ino and Athamas realized what they'd done. In despair, they both leaped off the side of a cliff and plummeted to their deaths.
"They're not heartless monsters." Dionysus muttered to himself.
That Hera…she's all about wholesome family values.
"You must do everything for *your* family. That's her moral code. Let other famillies burn or sink or be destroyed if necessary." Annabeth said. "We learned this much after the labyrinth."
Zeus managed to retrieve Bacchus and turn him back into a child, but the experience haunted Bacchus.
"And experience is the best teacher." Hephaestus said.
He learned that madness could be used as a weapon.
"One of his revolutionary life lessons, I guess." Hermes said.
He'd learned that goats were good.
"I appreciate the compliment." Grover said cheerfully.
(In fact, the goat became one of his sacred animals.)
"Goats are sacred to Thor too, but in a different way." Hermes said, flashing a mischievous grin.
Percy and Annabeth shuddered.
And he learned that you couldn't hide who you were just by putting on different clothes.
"That's a topic for another day." Apollo said smoothly.
Later on, he became the god of anybody who felt confused about his or her own gender, because Dionysus could relate.
"Not because he's batman?" Leo asked.
Anyway, Zeus looked around for a new set of foster parents.
"That would be a hard task." Hephaestus said.
Big shock: not many people volunteered after hearing what Hera had done to Ino and Athamas. Finally Zeus flew to Mount Nysa on the Greek mainland and convinced the nymphs there to raise Bacchus.
"What did he offer?" Hermes asked.
Zeus promised to make them immortal if they just did him this favor, and that was a hard deal to refuse.
"I see. Offer of immortality, even if its partial; makes people do many things." Nico said.
Young Bacchus became known as "the godly son of Zeus who lives on Nysa," which got shortened to Dios (god) of Nysa,
"Which turned into Dionysus." Athena said.
which eventually became his new name: Dionysus, though he was still called Bacchus, the noisy one,
"Am I noisy? I'm just dramatic, Pepper Justice!" Dionysus said.
especially after he ate beans or cabbage. Which is way more than you wanted to know.
"Beans and Cabbage?" Ares sneered.
Dionysus grew up on Mount Nysa with the nymphs as his foster mothers and the satyrs as his foster fathers.
"That's why he secretively loves them." Annabeth whispered.
Satyrs are pretty wild and chaotic
"Whaaat?" Grover asked dangerously. "How could you Percy?" He asked in a betrayed voice.
(no offense to my satyr friends),
"See? He hasn't insulted you goat boy." Annabeth said soothingly.
so it's no surprise Dionysus turned out a little out-of-the-ordinary.
"I'm not-ordinary, Pansy Johnson." Dionysus said. "Not little-out-of-the-ordinary!"
Occasionally he played with mortal kids from the nearby farms, and Dionysus became popular for his magic tricks with plants.
"Which were totally different abilities for a son of Zeus." Athena said." They can have different powers of different weathers. Like ability to make rain, control winds, power over lightning, ability to make storms, ability to make snowstorms in rare cases-" she trailed off.
"-and summoning natural mist." She ended her little long list after a few minutes.
He discovered early on that he could produce drinkable nectar by crushing any kind of plant matter—twigs, leaves, bark, roots, whatever.
"An innovator, just different things. Another reason why we got along." Hephaestus said.
Cypress-tree syrup? No problem. Fennel juice? Yum!
"Fennel tea is the best." Piper agreed.
The other kids would challenge him, like, "Bet you can't make a drink out of that thorn bush!"
"Bet you can make a drink from blood." Ares said.
"You're on." Dionysus said. "After the brat left, of course."
Dionysus would pick up a rock, smash some branches, and golden sap would flow from the wounded plant. Dionysus would collect it in cups, mix some water, add miniature umbrellas,
"Mushrooms make drinks more tasty." Grover said, licking his lips.
and voilà, iced thorn-bush spritzers for everyone.
"Cheeres!" Nico and Leo clattered imagined glasses.
An entertaining trick—but none of Dionysus's early recipes caught on. Fennel juice just wasn't that popular, after all.
"Keyword is wasn't." Piper said. "Fennel tea is my favourite." She...joked?
Then one day Dionysus was out in the woods with his best friend, a young satyr boy named Ampelos.
Dionysus' eyes looked somewhat sad, despite his attempts to keep up his poker face.
They spotted a thick vine curled around the branch of an elm tree about twenty feet above their heads. Dionysus froze in his tracks.
"Grapevines?" Grover asked.
"What is it?" Ampelos asked.
"That vine up there," Dionysus said. "What kind of plant is that?"
"Definitely grapevine." Demeter said. "Though its not grapevine at the moment." She added.
Ampelos frowned. The vine didn't look like anything special to him. It was thick and bristly, with wide green leaves and no fruit or flowers that he could see. "Well, it's not ivy. Or honeysuckle. Dunno. Never seen it before. Come on!"
"Naturally, Dionysus wants to observe it." Hermes guessed.
But Dionysus stood transfixed. There was something important about that plant—something that could change the world.
"Like a Déjà Vu." Aphrodite said.
"I have to get a closer look." Dionysus tried to scale the trunk of the elm, but he was a lousy climber. He fell on his butt in the leaves.
Ares, Apollo and Hermes chuckled at Dionysus' failure. Demigods and the satyr bit back their laughter.
Ampelos laughed. "If it's so important to you, I'll get it. Leave the climbing to satyrs."
"Satyrs are best climbers." Grover said proudly.
Dionysus felt a sudden chill of dread. He didn't want Ampelos going up there. But he also wanted the vine.
"Well, good luck with that." Hermes said.
"Be careful," he said.
Ampelos rolled his eyes. "I've climbed higher trees than this!"
"That's what they all say." Demeter said, rolling her eyes.
The young satyr clambered up the trunk and was soon straddling the elm branch. "Easy peasy!"
He started prying the vine from the branch, feeding the end down to Dionysus like a rope. "Got it?"
Dionysus reached up and grabbed the vine.
What happened next isn't clear. Maybe Dionysus pulled the vine too hard. Maybe Ampelos reached down too low. Whatever the case, Ampelos lost his balance and fell, tangled in the vine.
"The latter. He reached down too low." Dionysus said indifferently.
Twenty feet isn't so far, but it was enough. Ampelos hit his head on a rock with a sickening crack.
"Poor goat." Grover said.
Dionysus wailed in horror.
"Did he now?" Thalia wondered.
He embraced his friend, but the young satyr's eyes were already dull and empty. He wasn't breathing. Sticky blood matted his hair and stained the leaves of the vine.
"He's dead." Zeus said.
"Duh!" Apollo rolled his eyes.
Ampelos was dead.
Dionysus sobbed. If he hadn't wanted this stupid vine, his friend would still be alive.
"Guilty conscience." Aphrodite said.
His sadness mixed with anger. He glared at the satyr's blood on the green leaves. He snarled, "You will pay for this, will bear the sweetest fruit to make up for this bitter loss. BEAR FRUIT!"
"That's what I call aweet revenge." Hestia said softly.
The vine trembled. The body of Ampelos dissolved into mist. The satyr's blood soaked into the plant, and clusters of small fruit popped up, ripening instantly to dark red.
"Wine made out of satyr blood. You already lost the bait." Dionysus announced to Ares. Ares unhappily paid 5 drachmas.
Dionysus had created the first grapevine.
He wiped away his tears. He had to make his friend's death mean something. He would learn to use this new plant.
"Aww!" Audiance cooed.
The grapes looked full of juice, so Dionysus picked several bunches. He carried them to a nearby creek bed and found two large flat stones. He crushed the grapes between the rocks, inventing the first winepress.
"As I said, there is a reason why we're best friends." Hephaestus said.
Dionysus collected the juice in his drinking cup, which he always kept at his belt. He held the liquid in the sunlight and worked his magic, swishing the grape juice around until it fermented into…
"Into what? Orange juice?" Nico asked.
something else. Something new.
He took a sip and his taste buds nearly exploded. "This," he pronounced, "is good stuff."
"No one insults wine. Especially Priscilla Jones!" Dionysus gave a look at Percy, who was going to ask a question.
Dionysus called it wine. He made enough to fill his flask, then looked back wistfully one more time at the place where Ampelos had died. The grapevines were going crazy now, spreading all over the woods, blooming with a vengeance and bearing more grapes.
"And bearing Ameplos' memory." Dionysus muttered to himself.
Dionysus nodded, satisfied. If he had his way, the whole world would be filled with grapevines in Ampelos's honor.
Dionysus nodded.
He went back to the cave where he lived on Mount Nysa. He showed his discovery to one of his foster moms, a nymph named Ambrosia.
"Ambrosia?" Ares asked in curiosity. "Was she named after ambrosia?"
(Yes, she was named after the godly food. I don't know why. At least it's better than Cookie or Snickerdoodle.)
"Hestia, can we call you Cookie?" Poseidon asked.
"No. No. Nope!" Hestia giggled.
Ambrosia took a sip of wine. Her eyes widened. "This is delicious! Where's Ampelos?"
"Dead." Hades said.
"Oh…" Dionysus hung his head. "He died, falling from a tree."
"That's terrible!" Ambrosia took another sip. "But this is good stuff!"
"How...nice?" Piper asked.
Soon she was sharing wine with all her nymph friends. The satyrs came by to see what the giggling was about. Pretty soon, the whole mountain was one giant party, with dancing and singing and tiki torches and lots of wine.
"Kind of like that chemical formula of from Jekyll and Hyde. Wine twists you up and takes your real inner personality out, but it rots your brain and twists your mind." Athena said. "Satyrs and nymphs are playful by the nature, and they chose to have a party."
Dionysus kept making the stuff and passing it around. He couldn't keep up with demand. Finally he taught the satyrs and nymphs how to make it themselves, and by the end of the night, everybody on the mountain was an expert winemaker.
"It seems he was a good teacher." Hazel said.
Dionysus raised his hand and accepted. "I know. I taught Penny Jefferson here of everything she knows." He swallowed some wine.
Percy rolled his eyes.
The satyrs quickly discovered that if they drank too much wine, they got drunk. They couldn't think straight, see straight, or walk straight. For some reason, they found this kept on drinking.
"Its not funny!" Athena and Apollo exclaimed. Then they looked at each other, then glared at Dionysus.
"They can't use their brains and understand what they're doing." Athena said. "Drinking turns you into an idiot, in a nutshell."
"Quite right." Apollo said. "Drinking affects to your brain cells and keep them dormant. This causes harms to brain cells, unless you're a god. That leads to many issues like memory loss, stroke, various cancers and all. Not to mention that alcohol affects your liver very badly. Drinking isn't a good habit to your health."
An older satyr, Silenos, threw his arm around Dionysus's shoulders. "You, sir, are a god! No, I mean that. The god of…what's this stuff called again?"
"Wine." Hazel said.
"Wine," said Dionysus.
"God of wine!" Silenos hiccupped. "Got any more?"
"And also its addictive." Athena said.
Now, kids, this is another good time to remind you that wine is for grown-ups! It tastes horrible and could seriously mess up your life. Don't even be tempted until you're at least forty years old!
"Even grown-ups should refrain from drinking frequently, if they love their health." Apollo said.
Aw, but Percy, you whine (get it, whine?), it sounds like the satyrs had so much fun drinking wine!
"Humans do have a knack of choosing precisely those things that are worst for them." Nico said.
"Quite right." Athena said.
It might sound that way, kids. But satyrs can be pretty stupid.
"Yet I'm still intelligent than you." Grover smiled.
(Again, no offense to my buddy Grover.)
"None taken." Grover said.
"You took." Percy reminded. "You said you're intelligent than me!"
"Well, I'm." Grover said.
"You aren't." Percy said.
...
...
...
...
"Well, I'm intelligent than both of you!" Annabeth said, her hands on her hips. Her eyes flashed dangerously.
Both buddies stopped the argument.
You also didn't see the satyrs the morning after, when they had splitting headaches and were stumbling into the woods to puke their guts out.
"While walking on their arms and legs, I presume." Hermes said.
Still, the nymphs and satyrs were so impressed with Dionysus that they decided he really must be a god. His invention was just that amazing.
"Well, that's their decision." Frank said.
Maybe you're thinking…Okay, it's wine. Big deal. How does that rate making Dionysus a god? If I invented tuna salad, would I be a god, too?
"Nope. Because tuna salad is already invented." Thalia said. "Besides, tuna salad? How fishy you can be, kelp head?" She asked.
But wine was a major breakthrough in beverage technology.
"First alcoholic beverage, I think." Hephaestus said.
Sure, people drank water, but water could kill you.
"Sayth whaaat?" Leo asked.
Especially in the cities, it was full of bacteria and other people's garbage and…well, I'm not really going to go into it. Let's just say that water was gross.
"Water pollution!" Poseidon made a noise from his nose.
Nobody had invented canned soda or even tea or coffee, so you were pretty much stuck with water or milk. Even with milk, you had to drink quickly before it spoiled, since there were no refrigerators.
"Go on." Zeus said.
Then Dionysus came along and invented wine. It didn't go bad as long as you kept it bottled up.
"Old is gold. Especially wine." Dionysus said.
Sometimes it even tasted better if you let it sit for a few years. You could water it down so it wasn't as strong, but the alcohol would still kill germs and stuff, so it was safer to drink than regular water.
"Water vs alcohol?" Poseidon shook his head.
You could even adjust the taste to make it sweeter with honey, or vary the flavor by using different kinds of grapes.
Basically, it was the super-beverage of Ancient Greece.
"Which made Dionysus a popular guy." Jason said.
Not only that, but if you drank a little, it would mellow you out. If you drank a lot, it would make you giddy and crazy. Some people even thought they had visions of the gods if they chugged enough wine.
"Oh, but they can." Hermes smirked. "With enough wine to kill their bodies, they will accompanied to underworld by myself, who is a god. Then they can see Hades or Persephone when they're on observation visits. And of course Melinoe, as the goddess of ghosts."
(Again: do not try this at home. You will not see the Greek gods. You may get a close-up view of your toilet as you are throwing up, but you will not see gods.)
Word spread quickly about the new drink. Nymphs and satyrs from Mount Nysa traveled the countryside, telling anyone who would listen about the awesomeness of wine and the god who made it, Dionysus.
"Never thought someone would praise Mr. D." Percy said.
"Oh, but young Nico thought he was awesome!" Grover reminded. "And basically saved your life."
They set up tasting booths on the side of the road. They offered starter kits including a potted grapevine, an instruction manual for making a winepress, and access to a toll-free customer service hotline.
"Now we're talking." Herms said in an impressed voice..
Dionysus became famous. Even regular mortals began to gather on Mount Nysa every night for the ultimate party. Sure, they drank too much and got wild, but it wasn't just for fun.
"For what then?" Hazel couldn't help but ask.
The followers of Dionysus considered themselves religious people.
"Seriously?" Demeter asked.
They called themselves the bacchae—the groupies of Bacchus—and partying was their way of going to church.
"Amen for them." Piper said.
They believed it brought them closer to all the gods, because Dionysus was destined to be the twelfth Olympian.
"Embrasing the madness." Frank said.
How did Dionysus feel about that?
"Happy? Indifferent? Scared?" Grover made few guesses.
A little nervous. He was still young and insecure. He wasn't sure if he was truly a god or not.
"Cut your palm with a knife and see for yourself!" Ares adviced. "I guess you were afraid of little blood, punk?"
On the other hand, he was happy to see people enjoying his new beverage. By spreading the knowledge of wine, he figured he was doing something good for the world,
"Or so he thought." Athena said.
which made him feel better about all the pain he'd been through—his mom dying before he was born, Hera driving his foster parents crazy, and of course, his best friend Ampelos dying in the woods.
Dionysus' face never dropped its cold look.
Then one day his followers gathered around him and pitched an idea.
"We need to go mainstream!" explained one of the satyrs. "We should go to the nearest major city and get the king on our side. You can offer to become their patron god. They'll build you a temple, and your fame will spread even faster!"
"Nice idea, yet you were on Nysa, you say?" Hermes asked. "I knew the king-dude. Licorice or something? He's sort off whipper, from what I heard. How did you manage to pull it off?"
The nearest king was a dude named Lycurgus, who ran a seaside town at the base of Mount Nysa.
"Its Lycurgus, not Licorice." Apollo said.
The satyrs suggested they start there, to support local business and all.
Dionysus wasn't sure he was ready for prime time, but his followers were enthusiastic. They wouldn't take no for an answer.
"Then you can try nae, nope, never, not in nine hells, no way, heck no, negative, absolutely not, nay, naw, nah and many other ways to say no in different manners." Athena said.
"It's a great idea!" they promised him.
As Dionysus soon found out, it was a terrible idea.
"Thought so." Hades smirked.
Lycurgus was all kinds of evil. He enjoyed whipping helpless animals like dogs, horses, hamsters, and anything else that got in his way.
"Lywhip?" Aphrodite suggested.
In fact, he had a special whip made just for that purpose—ten feet of black leather braided with iron spikes and jagged pieces of glass.
"Now that's a beauty." Ares said. "I must have it."
If no hamsters happened to be around, he would whip his servants.
Grover grimaced. Demigods had looks of horror in their faces.
Sometimes, just for fun, he would whip his subjects when they came into the throne room to petition him for stuff.
"Sounds ugly." Demeter said.
"My lord, OWWWW! My neighbor killed my horse, and—OWWWW! I'd like him to pay for damages. OWWWW! OWWWW!"
"Only you Percy. Only you can tell these kinds of horrible things in a funny way." Jason shook his head.
It made his audiences go much more quickly.
"Well, good for an unjust king." Zeus said...
Dionysus and his followers didn't know this. They spent all their time partying on Mount Nysa.
"Thus no experience of the town." Frank said.
They marched into town in a happy parade, handing out free grapes, grapevines, and glasses of wine, clanging cymbals, singing songs, and stumbling into pedestrians.
"They must have been puzzled." Hermes said.
Dionysus noted the nervous faces of the townspeople. Many of them bore scars from whippings.
"No welcome party for you." Apollo said.
Dionysus didn't like that, but his followers were announcing him as a god, singing his praises, and dancing around him. They'd dressed him in expensive purple robes and put a crown of ivy leaves on his head.
"Looking godly, eh?" Hephaestus gave a smile from corner of his mouth.
He was supposed to be the newest Olympian, master of wine and lord of parties. If he ran away, it would probably ruin the effect.
"And image." Piper said.
They made their way into the royal palace.
Lycurgus didn't normally get hundreds of satyrs and nymphs bursting into his house in a party mood. For a few moments, he was too stunned to act.
"Power of the weirdness." Hermes whispered.
Dionysus approached the throne, mentally rehearsing his lines.
"Someone's nervous!" Aphrodite giggled.
"King Lycurgus," he said. "I am Dionysus, the god of wine, and these are my followers."
"Hello to you too." Nico said.
The king stared at him. The boy looked no more than fourteen or fifteen, with long dark hair and a pretty face—almost girlish, Lycurgus thought.
"Doesn't look much girlish to me." Leo whispered.
"You're a god," the king said flatly.
"Sounded like you, Percy." Grover said. "Your first meeting with Mr.D."
"I see. And what exactly is wine?"
"An alcoholic beverage made of grapes." Hazel said.
Dionysus's followers raised their cups in salute. Some laid potted grapevines and bottles of wine at the steps of the throne.
"As a gesture of honour." Athena nodded.
"Wine is a new drink," Dionysus explained. "But it's more than just a drink. It's a religious experience!"
"Which you call madness." Piper said.
Dionysus began to explain wine's other virtues, but Lycurgus held up his hand for silence.
"Uh oh." Frank said.
"Why are you here?" he demanded. "What do you want from me?"
"We simply want to share knowledge about wine," Dionysus said. "If you allow your people to learn the arts of grape harvesting and wine making, your kingdom will flourish. Also, I will be your city's patron god. All I ask is that you build me a temple."
"Good offer, but he wouldn't accept." Hermes said.
Lycurgus's mouth twitched. It had been a long time since he'd been tempted to laugh. "A temple. Is that all?"
"Aww come on! Its just a temple! Give the poor guy a temple!" Leo pleaded.
Dionysus shuffled from foot to foot. "Erm. Yes."
"Well, young god, I invented something too. Would you like to see it?
"Not at all." Hestia whispered.
I call it the new and improved whip. I use it to get rid of PEOPLE WHO WASTE MY TIME!"
"Sounds like man of my kind." Ares said, sipping some lemon juice. "This is going to be fun."
King Lycurgus started whipping everyone. If he saw it, he whipped it. He whipped it good.
"He doesn't like being in the opposite end of the whip though." Hades said. "Alecto has an special whip for that one."
Dionysus's followers scattered. They hadn't expected a fight, and they couldn't defend themselves with grapes and glasses. Many wore only scanty tunics, so the whip really hurt.
Dionysus's foster mother Ambrosia got struck in the face and fell down dead at Dionysus's feet.
"Oh man!" Grover said.
"NOOOOO!" Dionysus wailed.
"Like most superheros in cartoons." Leo said.
Palace guards closed in on all sides, rounding up the satyrs and nymphs and arresting them.
"What about Dionysus?" Demeter asked.
Dionysus fled, pursued by guards. He was almost captured but jumped from a balcony into the ocean, where the Nereid Thetis conveniently came to his rescue.
"That nereid. Bless her soul." Piper said. Grover gave her an odd look, so did the gods, Percy and Annabeth.
She allowed Dionysus to breathe underwater and bound his wounds while he waited for the king's soldiers to give up the search.
"Sea nymphs can do that when they're in the sea." Poseidon said.
Dionysus cried bitterly as the sea nymph held him. "Thetis, I can't do anything right! Everyone who gets close to me dies or gets punished for believing in me!"
"Guilty conscience." Apollo said.
Thetis stroked his hair soothingly. "Don't give up, Dionysus. You will be a god, but you can't let jealous mortals stand in your way. Go back to Lycurgus and teach him that he cannot disrespect you like this."
"He's got a whip!"
"You have weapons too."
"Licorice: I have a whip; Dionysus: I have madness." Leo snickered.
Dionysus thought about that. A fire began to burn in his stomach, as it had when he took his first gulp of wine. "You're right. Thanks, Thetis."
"I guess he began to change into a god." Apollo said.
"Go get 'em, champ."
"Champ D?" Percy asked.
Dionysus marched out of the sea and straight back to Lycurgus's palace.
"Back in action." Poseidon grinned.
Was that the moment when Dionysus changed from a demigod into a full god?
"May be." Hazel shrugged.
"Yes." Dionysus said.
Nobody really knows. His evolution was gradual, but definitely he got more powerful as his followers increased, and when he decided to confront Lycurgus, I think that was the first time he believed in himself as much as the bacchae believed in him.
"Its all about believing in yourself." Athena said. "And increasing followers helps that."
King Lycurgus was sitting on his throne, talking to his eldest son, Prince Dryas, who had just arrived and was wondering why there were a bunch of dead nymphs and satyrs on the floor.
"Because yo daddy whipped them good." Leo said.
Dionysus stormed in, soaking wet and with a steely gleam in his eyes.
"He's pissed." Hephaestus said.
Lycurgus was even more surprised than he had been the first time.
"Might have thought no one had guts to stand up to him." Jason said.
"You again?" asked the king. "All your followers are dead or in prison. Do you wish to join them?"
"Yes, please." Nico said sarcastically.
"You will release my remaining followers immediately," said Dionysus.
Lycurgus laughed. "Or what?"
"I can think of lot of stuff." Hermes said.
"Or your kingdom will turn barren. No vines will grow. No fruit will ripen. No plants of any kind will bloom."
"He wouldn't believe that though." Frank said.
"Ha! Is that all?"
"I don't think so." Hazel said.
"No," Dionysus said coldly. "Also, you will be afflicted with madness. Do you refuse?"
"Yep." Percy said for him
"I refuse!" Lycurgus grinned. "So where is this madness—ACK!"
"Right there." Grover said.
Lycurgus doubled over in pain. Then he stood bolt upright and screamed in falsetto.
His son Dryas grabbed his arm in concern. "Dad! Are you okay?"
Lycurgus looked at the prince, but all he saw was a writhing pillar of grapevines.
"This is going to be brutal." Ares chirped happily.
The king stumbled back in horror. "The grapes! They're everywhere! The grapes are taking over!"
Lycurgus snatched a double-bladed ax from the nearest guard and chopped at the pillar of vines.
"Father killed his own son." Hestia said in horror.
"Dad!" the vines wailed.
"Sick." Piper muttered.
"Die, grapes!" Lycurgus chopped and hacked until the wailing stopped.
"Sounded like Grover though. In the Lotus hotel." Annabeth said.
The grapevines lay in pieces all around his feet.
"Bet its his bloody carcass." Ares said.
The king's vision cleared, and he saw what he had done. Lycurgus sobbed in misery and fell to his knees, the blood of his dead son glistening on his ax.
"Just like what happened to Dionysus' foster father and uncle." Jason said.
If Dionysus felt any regret, he didn't show it. After all, Hera had taught him how to use madness to punish his foes. Dionysus had learned from the best.
"You do as you taught." Frank said.
"Lycurgus, this is the price of your insolence," said the wine god. "Until you free my followers and recognize me as a god, your entire kingdom will suffer."
"Will he listen?" Nico asked.
"Kill him!" the king screamed.
"Apparently, no." Hades said.
The guards surged forward, but Dionysus simply looked at them and they backed away. They could see the power and divine anger in his eyes.
"I experienced that." Percy said. Poseidon glared at Dionysus. Hurricanes were brewing in his eyes.
"Your king will never bow to me," Dionysus told them. "Your land will suffer until he is…removed. Think on this."
"Neat trick." Hermes said.
Dionysus strode out of the palace.
"Like a boss." Dionysus mutered.
In the following days, the countryside withered. In the city and the fields, every plant shriveled up. Fruit rotted. Bread turned to mold. The water in the wells turned warm and scummy. The farmers couldn't grow anything. The townspeople couldn't feed their families.
"Hope they overthrew him quickly." Piper said. "He's not what we call an ideal ruler."
Finally, after two weeks, the royal guards stormed the palace and captured King Lycurgus. Nobody protested. Nobody had liked the king much anyway.
"When you're whipping people with a modified whip, risk your public image." Hermes said.
The guards dragged him kicking and screaming into the town square. They tied his limbs to four horses, then thwacked the horses' rumps and set them running in four different directions.
Ares cheered, but horror haunted over faces of others in the audiance. Dionysus continued to look indifferent.
Yeah. The king's death was messy.
"Lets just not talk about it? Hazel is going to puke." Frank warned.
The people of the town released Dionysus's followers. Immediately the plants began to grow again. Flowers bloomed. Grapevines overtook the palace walls and bore juicy bunches of grapes.
"Which symbolized the victory of Dionysus over the king." Athena said.
The townspeople learned to make wine. They started building Dionysus's first temple. And that's how Dionysus won his first victory.
"He finally got his temple then." Nico said.
After that, he decided to take his show on the road. He gathered his followers and began the Dionysus Grand World Tour of Madness and Wine-Tasting.
"I gave him the event T-shirts." Hephaestus suddenly said.
(Mr. D won't admit it, but he's still got some unsold event T-shirts in a box in his closet—all size adult small.)
"Stalker!" Aphrodite squealed.
"Why, I'm flattered Phineas Joseph." Dionysus said. "Perhaps next tuesday? Some wine?"
"He's taken!" Annabeth deadpanned.
Some towns accepted Dionysus and his army of drunken bacchae without a fight. When that happened, everything was sunshine and smiley faces. The town got free wine and the knowledge of how to make it. The bacchae threw a big party.
"Everyone is fine and happy, yes." Hermes said.
Everybody honored Dionysus, and the next morning the army moved on, leaving a bunch of broken glasses, crushed party hats, and people with hangovers.
"And a lake of vomit." Grover added.
"Ah, yes. That too." Percy said.
Not everybody liked this new god and his followers, though. King Pentheus of Thebes distrusted Dionysus.
"And 'distrusting' a god can cause lot of trouble." Jason said.
The god's army of drunks seemed dangerous and barely under control. But Pentheus had heard what happened to Lycurgus, so he played it cool when Dionysus came to visit.
"Good." Hermes said.
"Give me some time to think about your offer," the king said.
"One of Zeus' favourite methods." Hera said.
Dionysus bowed. "No problem. We'll be in the woods to the east, holding our nightly revels. I would invite you to join us, but…" The god smiled mysteriously. "They are not open to unbelievers.
"He's manipulating him." Athena said instantly.
Trust me, though. You're missing quite a party! We'll come back tomorrow to get your answer."
"You have a day to think." Grover said.
The army left in peace and made camp in the woods.
King Pentheus was burning with curiosity. What was this new god about? Did he have secret weapons? Why were his revels closed to outsiders?
"You can pretend like one of his followers and find out, but again he will know about that." Apollo said.
The king's spies reported that many of his own townspeople had already accepted Dionysus as a god without waiting for the king's permission. Hundreds were planning to sneak out of the city and join the revels in the woods tonight.
"Well, he is right to be suspicious." Annabeth said. "It appears like a serious threat to his kingdom."
"I have to know more about this new threat," Pentheus grumbled. "And I can't trust secondhand reports. Too many of my own people already believe in this new god! I need to spy on Dionysus's camp myself."
"He may sounded paranoid, but he had a point there." Zeus said.
His guards warned him it was a bad idea, but the king didn't listen. He put on his black ninja outfit, painted his face with grease and ash, and sneaked out of town.
"Had he been to Japan?" Apollo asked. "We could relate."
When he reached the edge of Dionysus's camp, Pentheus climbed a tree and watched the revels with fascination and horror.
"For a sane mind." Hermes said. "I visited those party sights few times and...lets just say, they're not pleasant as they say. Luckily, I was a god."
The bacchae parties had gotten pretty wild as the army moved around Greece. Some of the mortals, nymphs, and satyrs were content to drink wine and listen to music. Others put on rowdy comic plays, because Dionysus had become the patron god of theater.
"Which he inherited from Zeus." Poseidon grinned.
But a lot of his followers got much crazier. They built huge bonfires and leaped through them for fun. Others got drunk and staged wrestling matches to the death. Others…well, I'll have to let you use your imagination.
"No, we don't want to do that." Nico whispered slowly.
Personally, I've never been to Mr. D's revels.
"Sally would have you by your ears." Annabeth said. "And of course, you will find yourself judo flipped many times by your girlfriend."
If I went, my mom would ground me for eternity.
"And your baby photos will be posted around the country." Thalia said.
But there was some crazy stuff going on. Dionysus's most hard-core followers were a group of nymphs called the maenads.
"Those women." Demeter shook her head.
During the revels they got so frenzied they felt no pain and had absolutely no self-control. They just did whatever came to mind. You had to be careful when the maenads were in the zone, because they could go from super-happy to super-angry in a split second. They were so strong and vicious…Imagine thirty drunk She-Hulks with razor-sharp fingernails, and you've got the general idea.
"No." Leo moaned.
They acted as Dionysus's bodyguards and shock troops, so nobody would ever dare to whip the god again.
"Ready for everything, are you?" Ares asked.
That night, they were dancing around Dionysus as he sat in his makeshift wooden throne, drinking wine and toasting his followers. He usually wore the same outfit—purple robes and a wreath of oak leaves.
"Classic wild Dionysus." Hephaestus said.
As a symbol of his power he held a special scepter called a thyrsus, which was topped with a pinecone
"Pinecone! Hahahaa!" People who knew Thalia's pine tree immediately broke into laughter while Thalia covered her face with embarrassment.
"Guess Dionysus honoured you with using pinecones, Thals." Annabeth teased.
and encircled with grapevines. If that doesn't sound like much of a weapon, then you've probably never been smacked upside the head by a pinecone on a stick.
"Those two giants didn't like it, though." Jason reminded.
Anyway, Pentheus watched the revels from up in the tree. He started to realize that this new god Dionysus was much more powerful than he'd thought.
"Never underestimate the wine dude." Nico muttered.
Hundreds of Pentheus's own townspeople were dancing in the crowd. Then he saw an older woman chatting with some satyrs by a bonfire, and his heart turned to lead.
"Why?" Hazel asked.
"Mother?" he whimpered.
"Holy Hera!" Leo whispered.
He didn't say it very loudly, but somehow the god sensed his presence.
"Godly senses." Apollo said. "I feel sorry for this man though."
At the other end of the clearing, Dionysus casually stood up. He drained his wine cup and strolled over to the tree. Pentheus didn't dare move. He knew if he tried to run, he'd never make it.
"No worries." Hades said. "He made it to Elysium. As for his mother and other mortal followers..." He smirked cruelly.
Dionysus leaped up and grabbed a huge branch. It was heavier than any human would've been able to bend, but he pulled it down easily. King Pentheus was completely exposed.
"This is going to be sick." Hestia said. "Don't tell me that Dionysus made Pentheus' mother kill him."
The music died. Hundreds of bacchae stared at the spy in the tree.
"Looky here," Dionsyus said. "The king is trespassing, making a mockery of our sacred rituals."
"You manipulated him at the first place." Athena said.
He turned to the maenads and the rest of the revelers. "What do we do with trespassers, my friends? Show him!"
"Total grossness, welcome." Nico said.
The crowd swarmed the tree. They pulled down Pentheus and literally torn him to pieces. Even Pentheus's own mother, overcome with the party spirit, joined the fun.
"Sick. Sick to the end." Demeter said for the audiance except Dionysus and Ares.
So, yeah…wine, music, dancing, the occasional gruesome murder. Dionysus definitely knew how to put on a show.
"Completely psychopathic." Piper whispered.
After that incident, not many cities stood in his way. Dionysus had a little trouble in Athens, but once he explained the situation (by driving a lot of Athenian women insane),
"They needed some convincing." Dionysus muttered.
the city welcomed him and started a yearly festival in his honor.
"A mega party with some wine?" Grover asked.
Dionysus even traveled into Egypt and Syria, spreading the good word about wine.
"Far from Greece, don't you think?" Nico asked.
Sure, he had a few problems here and there, but if I told you about every time Dionysus drove a king mad or flayed him alive, we'd be here all day. Dionysus was just a never ending fiesta of fun.
"That I'm, Pietro Johannesburg." Dionysus said.
Hera made one last attempt to destroy him and almost succeeded. She separated Dionysus from his army and drove him insane,
"I think they're getting along better and better." Hermes said.
but Dionysus got better. He rode a talking donkey
"Like Shrek?" Leo asked.
to an oracle in Dodona, where Zeus cured him.
"Daddy's boy." Ares teased.
(Long story, and don't even ask where he got the talking donkey.)
"From Shrek." Dionysus said.
Then one day, Dionysus got married. It only happened because he got captured by pirates.
"Sea action?" Poseidon asked. "Get on with it."
The night before it happened, the bacchae had thrown an especially huge party on the coast of Italy.
"Another fun night, huh?" Aphrodite asked.
The next morning, Dionysus woke with a massive headache.
"Do gods get headaches?" Ares asked.
"You're a god." Hermes reminded.
While the rest of the camp was sleeping, Dionysus stumbled to the beach to go to the bathroom.
"Don't turn beach into your casual gods' room!" Poseidon yelled.
(Yes, of course gods go to the bathroom.
"When we're bored." Dionysus said.
Um…at least I think…You know what? Let's just move along.)
"Ok Percy, ok." Jason smiled.
Anyway, he really had to go. He stood there for a long time doing his business, watching the ocean. Eventually a ship appeared on the horizon. It got closer and closer, its black sails billowing and a black pennant flapping from the top of the mast.
"A pirate ship." Percy said.
As Dionysus watched, the ship weighed anchor.
"Move on." Zeus nudged.
A rowboat came ashore. Half a dozen ugly-looking dudes got out and marched toward him.
"Pirates." Hazel said.
"Arrr!" one said, pulling a sword.
Dionysus grinned. "Oh, no way! Are you guys pirates?"
Dionysus had heard about pirates, but he'd never met any. He was terribly excited.
"Childhood dream of many boys." Poseidon said. "And few girls."
The pirates glanced at each other, momentarily confused.
"That's right, ye scalawag," said the one with the sword. "I'm the captain of these salty seadogs. And you're obviously a rich young prince, so we're taking you hostage!"
"You slipped the pirate speech in second sentence though." Nico said.
(Note to self: Get somebody to check my pirate-speak before we publish this. It's been a while since I saw Pirates of the Caribbean.)
"Next date then." Annabeth said. "I missed it too."
Dionysus clapped his hands enthusiastically. "Oh, that's fabulous!" He glanced back toward the sand dunes. "My army is still sleeping. I can probably spare a few hours before they wake up."
"Drunk to the boot. Only Dionysus would say something like that." Athena said.
The captain narrowed his eyes at the mention of an army, but he couldn't see anyone over the tops of the dunes, so he decided the young prince must be bluffing.
"Or young Jack Sparrow is lying." Leo grinned.
Dionysus certainly looked rich. Poor people didn't wear purple robes or oak leaf crowns. They didn't have nicely manicured hands, long flowing black hair, and good teeth. In fact, the captain had never seen a guy who looked so pretty.
"What now?" Apollo barked a laugh. "The captain is fancying Dionysus?"
"Get moving, then!" the captain ordered. "In the boat!"
"Yay!" Dionysus hurried to the rowboat. "Do I get a tour of your ship? Do I get to walk the plank?"
"Oh, you will." Poseidon said. "Welcome to the sea."
The pirates took Dionysus aboard and sailed away. They tried to bind him, but the ropes kept falling off no matter what they tried.
"Magic." Dionysus shrugged.
The captain asked Dionysus who his father was, so they could demand a rich ransom.
"They gonna be so scared." Zeus grinned.
"Hmm?" said Dionysus, examining the rigging. "Oh, my father is Zeus."
That made the pirates very uneasy.
"As we guessed." Hazel said.
Finally the navigator couldn't stand it. "Can't you see he's a god? I mean nobody mortal would look so…pretty."
"Words of wisdom." Athena said. "Yet I appreciate it if you're not crushing after Dionysus."
"Thank you!" Dionysus beamed. "My secret is wine every day and lots of partying."
Dionysus sent everyone leaflets of 'beauty secrets of Dionysus'. (Yet he was in his pudgy form.)
The navigator frowned. "We should take him back and let him go. This ain't going to end well."
"Spit on that!" yelled the captain. "He's our prisoner and we'll keep him!"
"You just signed your warrant of death, or being cursed." Apollo announced.
"I love you guys!" Dionysus said. "But all this excitement has made me really tired. Can I just take a quick nap? Then maybe we can swab the deck or something."
"Sleep!" Hermes' Iphone rang.
Dionysus curled up in a pile of ropes and started snoring.
"Sweet dreams." Nico said.
Since the pirates hadn't been able to tie him up, they let him sleep. When he finally woke up, the sun was high in the sky.
"And I had no need to watch." Apollo said.
"Oh, um, guys?" Dionysus stood and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. "It's getting late. My army will be worried. Can we go back?"
"Fun time is over. Boo!" Leo jeered.
"Go back?" The captain laughed. "You're our prisoner. Since ye wouldn't tell us your real father,
"But he did." Hazel said.
we're taking you to Crete to sell you into slavery!"
"Another reason to dislike Crete." Nico said, shaking the pithos.
Dionysus was tired of playing pirates. Also, he woke up cranky from naps. "I told you my father was Zeus. Now, turn the ship around."
"In my father's name." Thalia supplied.
"Or what?" the captain asked. "You'll pretty me to death?"
"You have no idea." Dionysus smirked.
The ship began to rattle. Grapevines sprouted from the deck and crawled up the mast. Pirates yelled in alarm as the vines completely covered the sails and began snaking down the rigging. The crew ran around in a panic, slipping on bunches of grapes.
"Calm yourselves!" yelled the captain. "They're just plants!"
"Are they?" Piper asked.
Then he snarled at Dionysus, "You're more trouble than you're worth, young prince. Time to die!"
"Maybe for you." Hermes said.
The captain advanced with his sword.
Dionysus had never tried changing his form before, but now he was thrilled to discover he could.
"What did he turn into?" Frank asked.
Suddenly the captain found himself facing a five-hundred-pound bear.
"And that makes him beary D." Percy grinned.
Dionysus the Bear roared at the captain, who dropped his sword and ran, only to slip on some grapes.
"All braggings get lost in front of fear." Artemis nodded.
The rest of the crew fled, heading for the prow, but a huge phantom tiger appeared on the foredeck, growling and ready to pounce. It was just an illusion, but the pirates were terrified.
"Mortals always get terrified." Dionysus said.
Everywhere they turned, Dionysus created a different phantom predator—a lion, a leopard, a jackalope; you name it.
"Jackelopes aren't predators." Thalia said.
Finally the pirates dove over the side. Dionysus decided the ocean was a good place for them to stay, so he turned them into dolphins, and off they swam.
"Even the navigator?" Nico asked.
Dionysus shook his head.
If you ever see a dolphin with an eye patch, chattering "Arrr, matey!" now you'll know why.
"And tell them Dionysus likes to meet them." Dionysus whispered.
The only pirate left was the navigator, who had stayed at the wheel, too terrified to move.
"Poor sucker!" Ares said.
Dionysus smiled at him. "You're the only one who recognized me as a god. I like you!"
"I luv ye te." Piper imitated a pirate voice.
The navigator made a squeaking sound.
"Can you take me back, please?" Dionysus asked.
"Without a crew?" Poseidon asked. "And he's no son of mine, or Triton."
"M-m-my lord," the navigator managed. "I would, but with no crew, I can't sail far. Plus the grapevines in the rigging…"
"Oh, right." Dionysus scratched his head. "Sorry about that."
"The crew or the rigging?" Jason asked.
The god gazed across the water. About a mile to the east, he spotted a small island. "How about there?"
"Erm, that would be Naxos, my lord. I think…"
"Is it uninhabited or something?" Demeter asked.
"Perfect. Can you just drop me off? I'll find my own way back to the army."
"After making some raft." Leo said.
So Dionysus ended up on the island of Naxos, which was uninhabited except for a beautiful young lady, who Dionysus found weeping by the edge of a stream in the woods.
"Ariadne." Dionysus said in a soft voice.
She sounded so heartbroken that Dionysus sat next to her and took her hand. "My dear, what's wrong?"
"He can be pleasant, when he wants to." Percy reminded.
She didn't even seem startled, as if she didn't care about anything anymore.
"My—my boyfriend dumped me," she said.
"Boys do that." Artemis said. "She could have been an excellent huntress."
"Like I would let that happen." Dionysus' eyes gleamed purple. Artemis was the one who killed Ariadne.
Dionysus's heart twisted into a pretzel. Despite her red puffy eyes and disheveled hair, the girl was absolutely gorgeous.
"Power of love-1, Power of madness-0." Aphrodite wrote in the sky.
"Who on earth would be so stupid as to dump you?" Dionysus asked.
"Theseus." Athena and Percy said once.
"His…his name was Theseus," the girl said. "I'm Princess Ariadne, by the way."
She told Dionysus her sad story—how she'd helped this handsome guy Theseus escape from her father's maze, which was called the Labyrinth. Theseus had killed the Minotaur, blah, blah, blah.
"Yeah yeah. Move on." Zeus said.
That's a whole other story. In the end, Theseus had promised to take Ariadne home with him to Athens. On the way, he stopped at Naxos for fresh water, dumped her on the beach, and sailed away.
"Wow, nice." Piper said sarcastically.
And you thought breaking up by texting was low.
"I haven't encountered break ups yet so I can't tell certainly." Nico said.
Dionysus was furious. If Theseus had been around, the god would've turned him into a bunch of grapes and stomped him.
"Trust me. He would have loved it if grapes sprung from his backside." Hades said.
The god comforted Ariadne. He summoned wine and food, and they began to talk. Dionysus was good company. After a while, Ariadne began to smile. She even laughed when Dionysus told her about the pirates. (I guess she had a strange sense of humor.)
"Unlike you, some intelligent people understand my sense of humour, Pandora Jonathan." Dionysus said.
As quick as that, the two of them fell in love.
"Yes!" Aphrodite cheered, waving two bom boms.
"I will take you with me, my dear," Dionysus promised. "I will never leave you. When I ascend to my throne on Mount Olympus, you will be my queen for eternity."
"Will he?" Hazel asked.
Dionysus kept his promise. He married Ariadne, and when he was finally recognized as a god and became the twelfth Olympian, he made Ariadne his immortal wife.
"Happily ever after?" Leo asked. Percy nodded.
Oh, sure, he still had occasional flings with mortals. He was a god, after all. But as far as Greek stories go, they lived happily ever after.
"Well, what about the navigator?" Frank asked.
"Dunno." Percy shrugged.
Dionysus's last big adventure on earth, before he became a full-time god: he decided to invade India.
"To make Taj-Mahal your temple?" Apollo suggested.
Why?
"Why not?" Ares said.
Why not?
"Where Ares, Dionysus and Percy gets along." Nico acted as if he's going to throw up.
He had traveled all over the Mediterranean and into Egypt and Syria, but whenever he tried to spread the good news about wine farther east, he always got stopped by angry locals.
"Perhaps they have something better?" Demeter suggested.
Maybe that's because Mesopotamia was where they invented beer. Maybe they didn't want any beverage competition.
"They know they would loose." Dionysus said.
Anyway, he decided to make one final push to expand his market share. As far as the Greeks were concerned, India was pretty much the end of the world, so Dionysus decided to go there, take over, teach them about wine, and come back home, preferably in time for supper.
"Lets see how this invasion going to work." Hermes grinned mischievously.
His drunken followers gathered by the thousands. Some stories say that Hercules joined Dionysus for the expedition, and they had some major drinking contests along the way.
"He did." Dionysus said.
Other stories say that the twin sons of Hephaestus, the Kabeiroi, rode into battle on a mechanical chariot and fought bravely.
"They did too." Hephaestus said. "I had to save them though."
A couple of times, they got a little too brave and were surrounded by enemies, at which point Hephaestus himself had to come down, spray the enemy with his divine flamethrower, and bring his kids back to safety.
"Now I want to see that flamethrower." Ares said.
"You will. You must swear on Styx that you wouldn't abandon your place in Olympian council." Hephaestus said.
"Why would I?" Ares asked suspiciously, but he gave the oath anyway. Thunder rambled.
Dionysus rode at the head of his army in a golden chariot pulled by two centaurs.
"That must have been very fast." Apollo said.
A lot of towns surrendered to him in Syria. The drunken army made it all the way to the Euphrates River and constructed a bridge to get them across—the first time Greeks had gotten that far.
"There's no bridge." Annabeth frowned.
The bridge isn't there anymore. What did you expect? It was made by a bunch of drunks. It probably fell apart in about a week.
"Percy-1, Annabeth-0." Leo exclaimed.
Everything was going great—until the army reached India.
"What happened?" Hazel asked.
Those Indians knew how to fight. They had their own magic, their own gods, their own bunch of nasty secret weapons.
"And they had Patil twins and other Indian wizards." Nico said. "Also some neat parselmouths. India is famed for cobras, if I'm correct."
Their holy men, the Brahmans, would sit on the field of battle, looking all peaceful, and Dionysus's army would roll up, thinking the enemy was surrendering.
"Alas, its a trick." Hermes said. "These Indians are clever." He praised.
As soon as the Greeks got close, the Indians would fire rockets into their midst—jets of flame and blinding light, massive explosions that caused panic in the troops.
"And deaths of some of them, I presume." Ares asked.
After a bunch of tough battles, Dionysus finally made it to the Ganges River, which was the holy river of India.
"And took a selfie." Apollo added.
He assaulted one last fortress—a big castle on a hill as tall as the Acropolis back in Athens. His centaurs and satyrs tried a frontal assault, climbing up the rocks, but the Indians set off some magic explosions that were so powerful the Greek front lines were vaporized.
"What do you expect?" Athena asked. "You're in full disadvantage there."
Supposedly you can still see the afterimages of satyrs and centaurs burned into the cliffs where the battle happened.
"Don't wanna see them." Leo moaned.
At that point, Dionysus decided enough was enough. They'd made it to India. They'd introduced wine. Dionysus had collected a sweet assortment of exotic predator cats, like tigers and leopards.
"Target acquired, and also some bonuses." Dionysus said.
He'd even taken the leopard as his new sacred animal and started a fashion craze by wearing a leopard skin as a cape.
"Its popular even now." Aphrodite said.
The army had taken a lot of treasure. They'd met new and interesting people,
"When you travel, that happens." Hermes said.
killed most of them,
"Just for fun." Nico added.
and generally had a good time.
Dionysus built a pair of pillars on the banks of the Ganges to prove that he'd been there.
"Also as a souvenir." Dionysus said.
He bade the Indians a tearful farewell
"More like wine-less farewell." Poseidon said.
and marched back to Greece.
He dropped off a load of treasure at the Oracle of Delphi in honor of the gods, and for a long time, there used to big silver bowl in the Delphic treasure room inscribed: TAKEN FROM THE INDIANS BY DIONYSUS, SON OF ZEUS AND SEMELE.
"I don't think so." Annabeth said.
(One of the old Greek writers saw it. I'm not making this up.)
"Yeah, right." Leo said.
Anyway, Dionysus finally ascended to Mount Olympus and became the last of the major gods.
"Yay! End for the chapter!" Dionysus said cheerfully.
Cue the theme music! Cue the closing credits! Our camera pans away from the Olympian throne room, where twelve gods are rolling around on their wheelie thrones.
Gods gave their best proud look, as Leo took their group photo.
And CUT!
Phew. We did it, gang.
"And we read it." Hermes agreed.
Twelve Olympians—we collected the whole set, plus a few extra bonus gods like Persephone and Hades!
"Don't forget me." Hestia said.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to sleep. I feel like I just got back from the Dionysian revels, and I've got a splitting headache.
"Of course you can't. There's another chapter to read!" Dionysus said, sending book towards Percy.
...
A/N
Extra chapter? What is it?
As promised, I ended Dionysus chapter too quick. Next chapter, Epilogue and the ending chapter. As Percy said, Phew! We did it!
Stay safe, Good bye for now.