Jasper, Monty, Miller and I spent the night rotating shifts to keep watch. Although we tried to sleep between our turns, it was difficult to relax as we nervously anticipated a raid at any moment. Nothing had changed by the time that morning came and Jasper raised our concerns to Maya, who promised to look for Harper. Maya stressed the importance that we behaved normally but I couldn't ignore the deep rooted fear in my chest as we sat in distracted silence over breakfast. It was haunting to sit in the middle of the busy room, observing the others happily eating and enjoying the company whilst we met each other's eyes with blank expressions.
Once we'd finished our meal I received a message to remind me that I had to attend an appointment to have my stitches removed. I nervously parted from the boys, who would only allow me to leave once I had confirmed where I would be and how long it should take. I knew that it was necessary for both my healing and to maintain the illusion of ordinary life and they promised to riot if I didn't come back. I was shaking with nerves throughout the process and I couldn't help expecting to be drugged or bound at any moment. The consistent terror caused my body to flood with adrenaline and I could hardly concentrate on the idle chatter of the doctor as she worked.
By the time the stitches had been successfully removed and I was walking back to the dorms, I felt in a state of disbelief. I was confused that they hadn't seized the opportunity to abduct me and it only served to build the constant alarm that I was experiencing. The only credible theory that I could comprehend was that I was too visible; I caused a scene often and they felt that our people would notice if I disappeared more than they would with Harper.
I entered the dorms to find Jasper, Monty, Miller and Maya sitting on the bunk beds opposite each other and the boys immediately noticed me with eager expressions. They both rushed to hug me tightly in relief and almost bowled me over with the force of their excitement. I giggled lightly as their reaction and once I'd extracted myself from their grip I settled on the bed between them. Maya claimed that she had to return to her duties and excused herself from our company. Miller glimpsed at us awkwardly and quickly made an excuse to leave too.
"How was it? Did they do anything funny?" Jasper quizzed as he examined me with an obvious concern. He reached over to slide my sleeves up and I reflectively tore my arm from his grip with more force than intended. "Sorry." He muttered quietly and I caught Monty regarding me with wide eyes.
"No it's okay." I breathed and took a moment to calm my rapid heartbeat. I didn't like to be guarded with them but I wasn't comfortable allowing even them to see the wounds. "It was fine, completely routine. They just took the stitches out. Their doctor says that I'm healing nicely, no more bulky dressings." I smiled weakly at him in an effort to dissipate the tense atmosphere that was now around us. "I still don't think I'll be getting my arms out anytime soon though." I confirmed in a poor excuse for an explanation for my reaction and cleared my throat awkwardly.
"You don't have to be ashamed of them, Indie." Monty advised gently and I shifted on the spot.
"Anyway, I looked around as much as I could but I couldn't see anything untoward going on in there. At least from what I could see, Harper isn't in medical." I reported quickly as I attempted to change the topic and I was pleased when they followed my lead. I appreciated their kindness, but it was still too overwhelming to discuss.
"Maya hasn't been able to find anything either, it's like she just disappeared." Jasper commented and I sighed in disappointment. I had hoped that they would be an update by the time I returned from my appointment and every moment that Harper remained missing only increased the dread in my stomach. "It's strange that they just let you come back, I mean I'm glad that they did! It just doesn't make any sense. Surely it would have been an easy opportunity." Jasper added thoughtfully and I shrugged at him.
"I think they're trying to choose people that they think won't be easily noticed as missing. People like the three of us: we're too high profile, they know that the others look to us. At least for the time being, they're still trying to be sneaky." I explained my theory and fiddled with my hands anxiously. It wasn't a nice thought and I realised that we would have to watch our people closely from now on for any quiet members who could easily disappear.
"Well, we've got a plan." Monty leaned forward with a determined expression as he spoke and I raised my brows. "We can't just wait for Clarke and hope that she's going to come to save us. We're going to send a message on the Arkwide channel asking for help." He revealed and I felt my eyes widen at his idea.
"You're gonna send an SOS to the Ark?" I repeated in surprise. "What if we get caught? Or what if Mount Weather hears it? I'm all for aggressive action but if they realise that we're onto them, they've got no reason to keep up this nice act." I questioned and found myself ringing my hands together again. I was frustrated with myself for my anxiety and wished that I could share the determination that the boys imparted.
"We won't get caught. Maya's gonna help us out and Monty's got a solid plan." Jasper clarified and I continued to look between them doubtfully. "We managed it last time, we can do it again. Plus we've got you now, we're the dream team." Jasper smiled in a way that tried to be encouraging but I could still feel the tension in the air.
"Last time one of your group disappeared, I can't lose you two." I mumbled as I felt my confidence crumbling to worry.
"You won't. You'll be right there with us to keep us safe. We can do this Indie! We're a family, we stick together." Monty urged and I nodded reluctantly as I tried to summon some faith in us.
A couple of hours passed whilst we sourced the items that we needed for the plan and Maya checked the guard schedules to allow us the easiest access to where we were going. Monty discovered from the schematics that the radio wires passed through the art storage room on route to the command centre and we planned to intercept them there. Maya arrived to guide us and we followed as she wheeled a container into the room. Monty pushed ahead with the schematics in hand to find the exact spot where the wires should be. I hadn't fully absorbed the finer details of Monty's plan and hovered at the back of the group nervously. He shined the torch at a painting, then down at the plans in his hand before turning to face us.
"Right here, the communication lines are behind this wall." He confirmed as the others scurried around cleaning the space as I stared at him in bewilderment.
"I'm sorry, did you say behind the wall?" I blurted as Milled slid a sledgehammer out of the container that Maya had wheeled in and I raised my brows at him. "I thought the plan was to not get caught?" I gasped as I glimpsed between them and felt anxiety gripping my chest. I found myself wishing that I'd taken more time to examine Monty's plan before agreeing to it.
"Big ass enough for you?" Miller smiled as he showed the hammer to Monty and I crossed my arms in annoyance at being ignored.
"Wait." Maya interrupted sharply just as Miller prepared to swing at the wall. "They'll hear you." She warned as she held an arm out to halt him mid motion.
"This was the plan!" Miller exclaimed in an unnecessarily aggressive manner as he glanced at her with frustration. "I knew it. She's afraid of losing her blood supply." He turned to lean into her space and spoke with clear accusation in his tone. I noticed that Jasper nervously watched them with a conflicted expression.
"Look, you don't have to like me Miller and you can blame me all you want for what my people are doing but I'm trying to make things right." Maya growled as she fearlessly stepped forward to meet him and I could hardly believe the ridiculousness of the situation.
"Damn it people, we don't have time to turn on each other!" I hissed, finally losing my patience as I kept glancing back over my shoulder in fear. I couldn't control the overwhelming feeling that we were about to be caught at any moment and the image of the chamber was almost constantly present at the back of my mind. I turned towards Miller with my arms crossed in disappointment. "Miller, you've always been a stubborn idiot, use your head! We make a whole bunch of noise, the guards come running, we end up in those little cages with the grounders. We have to be smarter than this!" I detailed in an effort to break through his temper and sighed to regain control as I finished speaking.
"5 seconds." Maya breathed under her breath and I glanced over to find that she was staring intently at her watch.
"What happens in 5 seconds?" Monty probed and I found myself studying her with wide frightened eyes. I couldn't keep the growing tension in my chest and my mind raced with the idea that she may have set us up after all. I felt my hands shaking and tried to formulate a backup plan to get the boys out of harm's way.
"Miller realises what a dick he is?" Jasper spat defensively and I was glad for his sass, which broke through the spiralling thoughts that were flooding through my consciousness. I caught his sly wink in my direction and it caused a slight smile to spread across my face.
"Come on Jasper, I thought you didn't believe in miracles." I taunted in an effort to break the tension between the group. Once again, I was thankful for the boys who continued to be the only people able to draw out the personality that I thought had died inside of me. Before anyone else could raise the conversation back into an argument an alarm began to blare out. I stiffened up with a feeling of cold dread creeping down my spine and stared at the others with a horrified face before finally setting my eyes on Maya, who smiled at Miller smugly.
"Friend owed me a favour." She crooned with a clear sense of satisfaction and I released a deep, relieved breath that I hardly realised I was holding. Jasper smiled fondly at her, before turning to address Miller assertively.
"Time it to the blasts." He ordered with an authority that was surprising to witness and I was proud to notice how well he was growing into the responsibility.
Miller began pounding the wall with the hammer in the same rhythm as the blaring of the alarm bells and I paced around whilst they worked as I felt too jittery to simply watch. After a few minutes, I placed myself on watch for any guards around the corner to keep myself busy. I felt my breathing become shallow and rapid as I waited with a mounting anxiety. I sensed Maya's approach and she positioned herself beside me awkwardly.
"How's it going over there?" I grilled without taking my eyes from the far side of the room and started to bite my nails in a gesture of stress. It was obvious that I had lost the calm determination that allowed me to manage tense missions back in camp and I wondered if I was even suitable to be part of them any longer.
"They found the wire but Monty's struggling with something jamming the signal." She advised gently as she scanned the room in an antsy manner that reflected my behaviour.
"Of course." I sighed bitterly and rolled my eyes. "Nothing's ever as easy as we plan." I muttered under my breath as I reflected on the numerous missions that had gone drastically wrong in the past and she peeked over at me in pity.
"I know it can't have been easy for you all out there." She mumbled as she assessed me and I turned to meet her eyes with an irritated expression. I could hardly believe that she would even attempt to discuss our struggles and I was envious of the safety that she had existed in her entire life. I knew that it was unfair but I couldn't deny feeling that she wouldn't be able to understand the hardened survival instincts that we'd been forced to develop.
"You have no idea." I spat and I felt myself glaring at her for a moment before jolting myself to return my attention to guarding. She sighed as she allowed us to slip back into silence for a few minutes and I could hear the others quietly working behind us. I noticed from the corner of my eye that she seemed to be deep in thought and I strived not to allow her to distract me.
"Jasper told me about your family, and about Bel-"
"Don't!" I snarled in a sudden burst of temper and I sharply turned my full attention to her in fury. "You may be helping us out for the time being but that does not mean that you and I are good, nor does it mean that I trust you. I lost everything out there, Jasper and Monty are all I have left and your people want to use them as human blood bags. I will die before I let anything happen to them and you had better believe that I will take every single person in this bunker with me if necessary, including you." The words fell out of my mouth in a venomous rant and I was powerless to stop them. She stared at me with wide eyes that revealed how stunned she was at my reaction and seemed unable to form any words. I returned my attention to the door and immediately picked up the sound of footsteps.
"We're out of time." I gasped as I spun on the spot and ran back towards the others with Maya hot on my heels. "We have movement, it's time to go!" I hissed as soon as they were in view.
"The guard is coming, cover the hole." Maya ordered. We frantically set about organising paintings and furniture to cover the hole in the wall where Monty had been working. Miller and I packed the equipment we had brought with us back into the container and carried it out between us, with Monty beside me. As we rushed to the door Monty grabbed my arm to halt me.
"You two go back the way we came, I'll take a different route back. It'll look suspicious if too many of us are seen together. Meet you back at dorms." He spoke frantically and although I opened my mouth to disagree with him, he rushed out of view before I could, leaving me frozen to the spot in panic. Miller shook me to gain my attention and when that failed he pulled at the container to urge me to move.
We returned to dorms to discover that they were empty and I noticed with a surge of dread that Jasper and Maya weren't behind us either. Miller and I occupied ourselves with returning the items we had borrowed before they could be discovered as missing and I hoped that would kill enough time for the others to return. We found Jasper and Maya waiting for us and Miller rushed to turn up the music in the room so that we could talk.
"They find the radio?" Milled investigated nervously whilst I scanned the room for any sign of Monty.
"No. Where's Monty?" Jasper glimpsed between us and my stomach dropped as I stared back at him with wide eyes.
"I thought he was with you?" Miller breathed and I covered my face with my hands as I felt myself descending into panic. My heart pounded in my ears and I could hardly catch my breath.
"I haven't seen him." Maya confirmed and I groaned as I moved my hands into my hair in a stressed gesture. I could feel that I was rapidly losing control and I felt my skin becoming clammy.
"He said he was going to take a different route back, I couldn't stop him before he ran off. Did he say anything to you guys?" I asked between deep breaths as I battled to remain in control. I knew that if I allowed myself to slip at all then I would collapse into hysterics and I reminded myself that this would not help Monty.
"He was talking about trying to get into the command centre?" Maya revealed as if she had only just realised that this was relevant. "He said that he only needed 5 minutes but I told him it was impossible." She explained with a subtle peek at Jasper with furrowed brows.
"Okay, so he might've tried to get there. We can't panic just yet, he could just be flying solo. We need to have faith that he'll be back." I urged and I was relieved when they nodded back, as it confirmed that the controlled facade that I was forcing was believable. I wasn't sure where I was finding the strength to speak so calmly when on the inside I was falling apart. I tried to keep my focus on my earlier goal to take as much of the strain of leadership for them as I could and channelled my energy into staying outwardly strong. I felt an immense understanding of the pressure that Bellamy had endured back at camp and my heart ached for him.
"I'll start looking for him. I won't be able to come back with an update until tomorrow without being suspicious. Until then, you need to act normal! Monty might be undercover somewhere, if they suspect anything is wrong it could put him in danger." Maya ordered us firmly before she exited the dorms and left us to stare at each other blankly.
It was another long, painful night and I had horrific nightmares of Monty any time that I fell asleep. Every time that I woke, I examined his bed with disappointment. I tried to keep the hope alive that he would creep back in from some insane solo mission, but my mind continued to conjure up images of him enduring torturous experiments at the hand of the doctors of the mountain. When morning came Jasper and I wandered the halls in a dreary state, hardly able to see where we were going through the fog of our minds. Neither of us ate anything again and Miller managed to force down some food from each of our plates to cover us. I watched Jasper in concern as he withdrew further into himself and felt my resolve waning.
By midday when Maya reported that she was still searching but had found no sign of him yet, we were both beginning to crumble. Miller warned us to find something to occupy ourselves with and insisted that we were too obviously distressed. We sat side by side on Jasper's bunk bed and leaned on each other for comfort. I cleared my throat as I struggled to think of something that could distract us enough to pull us out of the pit that we were rapidly sinking into. Jasper leaned further into me with his head against my shoulder and I stroked his hair gently. As I played with his long locks, an idea struck me.
"When was the last time you had a hair cut Jasper?" I enquired in a flat tone and as he straightened up to survey me, I forced a weak smile.
"I don't know, probably on the Ark." He shrugged in a disinterested manner. "Who cares?" He added with a despairing tone to his voice that caused my heart to ache.
"We need to look busy." I sighed in defeat. "I'm thinking if I give you a haircut we can avoid suspicion without having to hang out with others and pretend to be fine. It'll just be you and I, we can still be sad." I detailed the best sales pitch that I could manage through my emotions and he nodded solemnly.
"Sounds like a good idea, I'll find some scissors." He answered as he carelessly got to his feet and I moved to follow. "Indie, I...I don't think they'll give them to me if you come, not after…" He trailed off as his gaze darted to my wrists and I nodded awkwardly.
"Right, I'll just wait here." I forced a smile to cover the embarrassment that I felt and he wandered from the room with a heavy shuffle. I paced around anxiously as I waited for him to return and was pleased when he entered the room carrying a box. I inspected the box in confusion and he smiled weakly as he placed it down.
"I had a thought. Your hair is getting a little dulled down, when did you last have some colour in it?" He remarked with a twinkle of playfulness hidden deep behind the sadness of his eyes and I felt a pang of hope at the sight of it. "Well, I seem to remember it being a much more firey red when we first got here. I can't cut hair but I know my chemicals and I could definitely mix up some dye. What do you say, you cut mine and I'll dye yours?" He suggested and I smiled genuinely for the first time since Monty disappeared.
"Sounds time consuming, it's perfect. You first." I agreed and a small laugh escaped my lips.
I settled on the edge of the bed and motioned for Jasper to sit on the floor between my knees with his back to me. I had the box of supplies on the bed beside me and as I picked through its contents I was impressed at what he'd managed to gather. I quickly got to work on organising Jasper's heavy mop of hair. I was careful to only cut off the smallest amount of length as I was all too conscious that I didn't really know much about hairdressing. I worked in comfortable silence for a while and had to admit that I was glad to be spending time with someone who I didn't feel the need to force conversation with. Once I'd done neatening up Jasper's hair we swapped places and he made mixing ingredients to create his home made hair dye seem simple. He pulled gloves from the box and scanned me in an assessing manner before his attention landed on my jacket thoughtfully.
"You should probably take that off for this Indie, I don't want to damage your safety blanket." His expression was sympathetic as I reluctantly slid the precious item of clothing off and placed it carefully on the top bunk so that it couldn't get accidentally splashed. As I leaned up to do this, I noticed Jasper staring at my wrists and I squirmed awkwardly. I quickly took my place on the floor in front of him and was immediately glad that I couldn't see his pitying face anymore. Jasper occupied himself with running a comb through my damaged hair and cleared his throat to speak.
"You can talk to me about it, you know." He spoke softly and I pondered my wrists with a sigh. I knew that this conversation would need to happen sooner or later but I wanted to avoid it for as long as possible. It was such an intimate experience that I wasn't sure I could explain it and even if I did, I worried that no one else would understand the way that I felt.
"I know, I just don't have anything to say." I muttered as I sharply removed my attention from the developing scars and realised that I had little endurance for viewing them.
"You never talk about them." He sounded reluctant when he spoke again and I could feel him meticulously separating my hair as he tried to focus on the task to make the conversation less awkward. I didn't know what to say and was overwhelmed with the feeling of wanting to escape. "I know that it's hard but part of the healing is talking about it, leaning on your friends. You seem like you're pretending Octavia and Bellamy didn't exist, like it's taboo to talk about them. We all miss them, you can share the grief." He described and although I was glad that he felt he could be honest with me, I was upset by this accusation. I gulped as I felt my eyes filling with tears again and I struggled to battle them down.
"I'm not pretending that they didn't exist. What would I talk about? The fact that I couldn't save either of them, or maybe that their faces haunt me every night?" I voiced and I felt Jasper flinch behind me. "You want me to share my good memories with my best friend so that everyone can feel sorry for me? Or should I discuss all of the times that I could've told B-" I abruptly cut myself off, unable to cope with the pain of his name on my lips and stuttered for a moment, staring at the floor as my heart ached. I wasn't ready for this conversation, I wasn't sure if I ever would be. "I never told him how I felt. I wasted my time with him and now he's gone. There's nothing more to say." I breathed with every word causing a stabbing pain in my chest. Jasper sighed and I could feel that he was overwhelmed by my words, as he took a few minutes to decide what to say next.
"Bellamy knew how you felt about him Indie, everyone did. It was clear as day. And I know that he felt the same about you too." He asserted and I felt a single tear escape my composure. I quickly brushed it away and bit my lip to hold back the dam of emotions that threatened to tear me apart.
"You can't possibly know that Jasper. And now we'll never know for sure. That's just something I've got to learn to live with." I replied bitterly, wishing that he would stop discussing it. "I miss both of them every minute of every day. It's all I can think about. I don't want to talk about it too." I explained with a tone of finality. A few minutes passed in tense silence as he started to apply the cold dye to my hair and I sniffed in an effort to fight back tears.
"I'm sorry for what I said when I visited you in medical. I felt awful for my part in your loss." He whispered with regret evident in his voice. "You were suffering, I should've been more patient with you. And to make it worse, I was wrong after all, you had every right to be suspicious of this place." His tone gave in to bitter resentment and I could understand this feeling well. "I'm really sorry Indie, I wish I could take it back." He expressed this with such remorse that my defences finally softened slightly and he put a hand on my shoulder that I immediately reached up to squeeze in my own.
"It's okay Jasper, we were all working through stuff. I forgive you." I answered calmly and I felt a weight lift off his shoulders even without facing him. I was glad that I'd been able to remove this guilt from him.
"Hell, I was wrong about that, I was wrong about the Ark, who knows what else I was wrong about." He started and I hummed in response. "Maybe Octavia and Bellamy made it, they're survivors. Miller said he was carrying Octavia the last time he saw her and that she wasn't with Bellamy when he saw him in camp, he would've left her somewhere safe-"
" Don't. " I hissed as I closed my eyes tight and took a deep breath in an attempt to soften my voice. I didn't want to lash out at Jasper and I battled to contain the vitriol that threatened to escape me. "Don't do that Jasper, I can't handle that kind of false hope right now. I have to believe that Monty is okay and that he'll come back, that is all my mind can manage." I explained carefully as my hands shook from the impact of his words.
"Okay, I'm sorry." He muttered as I shifted uncomfortably on the floor. He finished applying the dye and wrapped a bag around my hair so that I could move without staining everything in the immediate area blood red. I had been touching my head in stress, so I had bright red splodges all over my hands and as soon as I turned around he noticed. He patted the bed for me to sit beside him with an amused smile. He pulled a clear bottle of liquid and some rags from the box to clean me up. I was impressed with how thorough he had been in planning for this and it only made it painfully clear how badly he needed something to focus his mind on. He ran his fingers gently on the scar on one of my wrists and I flinched involuntarily but didn't withdraw from his grip this time. He met my eyes with a hurt expression and when he spoke, his voice was almost a whisper. "Please, don't ever do that again." He requested with a sorrow that stunned me. I felt my eyes welling up, and sniffed to contain it. I took a deep breath and prepared myself to face the conversation that he needed.
"I didn't want to die Jasper, not really. I just wanted the pain to stop." I clarified and I felt an unexpected wave of relief at my confession. "Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere. I have to keep you boys safe and I can't do that if I'm dead. You two give me a reason to live and you help me to control the feelings." I admitted with a sad smile and gazed thankfully at him. Instead of smiling in return, he furrowed his brow with concern as he viewed me.
"And what about after we get out of here?" He questioned and I sighed as I considered my answer.
"I'll still need to keep you safe." I asserted but there was still an uncertainty in my words. "I couldn't leave you to your own devices, you seem to always find trouble." I suggested lightly, but the truth was that I hadn't thought that far ahead. I didn't know how I would manage without my focus on the danger that threatened them. I was painfully aware that it was all that was holding back the madness that I'd felt in the medical ward. For now, I had them and I was determined to keep it that way.