The Choice
Renesmee
I sat staring at the bathroom wall holding the plastic stick in my hand. It was weightless, insignificant and held my entire future.
I couldn't look.
I know what you're thinking, how could I have done that to Jacob but at the time it didn't feel like a choice. It never did with James, things just happened. It sounds cliché but I didn't feel in control of myself. With Jacob I was forcing it into existence; I was supposed to want him, I wanted to prove that to him, I never had to second guess because I was meant to be with him. With James, I always knew we couldn't be together, it made no sense to torture myself by being closer to him, yet whenever I was around him, I couldn't pull away. I knew we were on borrowed time but that only made me want him more, one night with James seemed worth all the consequences. Like I was storing away pieces of him to keep with me for a lifetime. I wanted as much as I could get from him. I had kissed him that night. I wasn't planning on it, I wasn't planning on being in his bed at all. But it just happened…
That night:
Kissing James was different to kissing Jacob. With Jacob there was heat, not just because he was always boiling but the urgency was like a pressure cooker. It felt passionate, loud and overpowering. It escalated quickly, all of his love would come at me like a ton of bricks and incapacitate me. It was epic, unworldly and overwhelming. Kissing James was simple. It was calculated and quiet. He took his time. His lips were firm but slow, his tongue didn't dive in but would hesitate, tracing my lips, while his fingers brushed my earlobe, my neck. He was gentle and precise. I didn't lose myself, I was present, taking in every stroke. Due to the venom now in his bloodstream James' lips had become cool to the touch. He was stronger, his arm pulling me slightly closer towards him effortlessly. Then just as I began to relax into him further, just as I was thinking I could go on kissing him like this forever, his grip loosened, his lips slowly pulled away and his head rested against mine. There was a long held moment, both of us breathing into each other slowly.
Eventually he brought his eyes up to meet mine. I imaged this warm, welcoming gleam but instead he looked angry. "What are we doing?" He interrogated.
Before I could process his words he had shot up, sending various throw cushions flying in all directions. I had been so abruptly pulled from the moment that I was still sat stunned. James was now putting on his shoes and then was out the door and then out the house. When did he get so fast? I quickly pulled myself to and went to follow. Dad was already there on the porch staring out after him, probably in disbelief that James had actually fled the building to get away from me. I looked to dad with apologetic, pleading eyes.
"He's overwhelmed." Dad stated simply.
"I need to be the one to go after him." I begged, struggling to put on my shoe. "He's angry at me. I need to be with him." I explained, knowing he could fill in the rest from my thoughts. "I can fix it." I promised.
"Very well." Dad agreed too easily. Most fathers wouldn't let their daughter run out into the night by herself but most fathers didn't have daughters with vampire strength who could very well look after themselves. "I'll cover for you but you must bring him home safely." He added firmly. I was relieved everyone in the house was distracted. People sometimes think that because vampires have super hearing they can hear everything, everywhere all the time but like most super abilities it has to be a conscious effort. If they want to hear something they can tune in but if they are focusing on something else or not listening then you'd be surprised how much can go under their radar. I had learnt this through much trial and error over the years, sneaking around my family had become my own super ability. Though my dad and Jake were a different ball game.
Jake had primitive wolf instincts, unlike vampires he could track people not just by sound but also sent weirdly, he was too good at sensing where everyone was. "Jake…" I started in a panic.
"Is sleeping soundly." Dad reassured me. The only good thing was Jake also slept like a wolf, once he was under it was almost impossible to wake him. "I'll keep an eye on him."
"Thanks!" `I called back behind me, already running and gaining momentum. James was now fast, I needed to get going if I was going to catch up to him quickly.
Thankfully I did catch up with him fairly soon. Admittedly it took me a few minutes but I knew the woods well and had an idea of where he would be heading. Where most of us go in times of crisis; home. We were still far off from his house, deep in the wood line but it wouldn't take him long to get there at this speed. It was pitch black and I could barely make out his figure moving in front of me, I needed to slow him down. I called out loudly to him from behind… "Who knew you were so athletic." He ignored me, keeping his pace. I was struggling. "What are you going to tell your family when you turn up in the middle of the night looking like a waxwork?"
"I'll figure it out." He dismissed aggressively.
"Seriously. James can we just talk? I'm in my pyjamas here."
"So go back." He threw behind him.
"I'm not going back without you." I stated stubbornly.
He stopped suddenly and turned on me, I nearly ran into the back of him but he held me at my shoulders. His hands strong, his grip powerful. I took in a nervous breath. I couldn't remember the last time I had chased someone that fast, my heart was pounding in my ears. I felt wide awake now, almost wanting to go again, I had to resist challenging him to a race there and then. It was so dark that we had to stand quite close together to be able to make each other out. His hand stayed on my arm.
"Look, there's a lot for me to process right now." He explained clearly, as if to a child. "I need some time to think."
"No chance." I shot back instantly. There was no way I was letting him go off alone.
"Why not?"
"Because you're upset, because you're ill, because it's the middle of the night. Take your pick. Come on. Let's go back please." I pulled on him slightly in the direction we'd come from.
"You broke up with me remember?" He cut in directly, standing his ground. It seemed if I wasn't going to let him run away, he was going to stay put and come at me head on.
"Vaguely." I tried to stall. "A lot has happened since then…"
"Yeah like you kissing me." He accused.
"Hey you kissed me first." I moaned childishly in defence.
"Yes because I want to be with you. Why are you kissing me?" He wasn't shouting, there was a very serious tone to his voice but it was calm and focused.
"I don't know maybe because you're inviting me into your bed. Playing with my hair. Confessing your love!" I escalated.
James dropped the ball. He didn't want to fight. Though at this point I wondered if I tried to fight him who would win. There was an unspoken power to his body. Before subconsciously I was always looking out for him, protecting his human vulnerability but standing there engulfed in darkness, his hand firm on my arm, I realised maybe he was the stronger being now. The venom had transformed him, for the first time I didn't feel like I was protecting him, we were equal or maybe even he was protecting me. "Renesmee. Do you want to be with me?" He asked evenly. There was a weird sense of authority to him, a strength not just in his body but in his words, his being. I was struggling to keep my breath even.
I faltered slightly. "I've told you, I want to be with Jacob…"
"I know what you've told me but I don't believe you. I don't think you believe yourself." He stated with conviction. "Look no one is here. No one can hear you. What do you want? You don't need to lie to me. It doesn't matter what the truth is, you know I'm willing to walk away. I just want you to be honest with me now." His eyes stayed on me relentlessly, not giving me a moment to gather my thoughts.
I wasn't used to this. He was being very unemotional and calm. He wasn't raising his voice or making me feel guilty. No one had asked me what I wanted before. Not really. Not without having the answer for me already. He was asking me directly, genuinely wanting to know. I felt dangerously safe. "It's complicated." I tried to deflect.
"That's fine. I can do complicated. Tell me." He stated simply as if it was as easy as that. As if I were telling him my favourite colour.
I stared at him silently, waiting for him to become impatient but he didn't. He just stood there waiting for me to speak. A crazy feeling rose up within me, like I would open my mouth and anything could come out. I forced myself to be careful. "I can't." I finally decided.
He still remained composed. He spoke firmly, a new force behind him, his words echoed in the dark. "Renesmee, have I ever given you a reason to think I can't be trusted? I'm living at your grandparent's house. I'm letting your friend inject his cells into me. You bit a chunk out of my neck and even that didn't scare me off. I'm still here. The only times I've given up on you is when you've begged me to, so give me a chance. None of this is making sense. Whatever it is you can tell me. I don't need you to pick me but I do want you to trust me."
Honesty? Was that all he wanted. Well I could give him honesty without answers. "It's not that I don't trust you, it's that I don't want you to know." I explained, choosing my words very carefully.
He looked pleased I was finally being open with him; "Okay. Why?"
I knew this was dangerous, I did trust him. That was the problem and I wanted to tell him anything he wanted to know and I was starting to worry he knew that. I needed to escape. "Shall we have this conversation back at the house? Where we can actually see each other's faces." I suggested, trying to divert the momentum of the conversation.
With that he pulled on my arm slightly, bringing me closer towards him, until we were an inch apart, staring clearly at each other, face to face. My heart was pounding. "Okay. Why?" He repeated.
Don't talk. Don't talk. I started to coach myself. But his breath on my face was making my whole body tingle and the quicker I spoke the quicker he'd let us go back. "Because I don't want you getting too close to me. You'll get hurt." I confessed honestly.
"I think we're past that aren't we?" He raised his eyebrow in confusion.
"There are worse things than dying." I warned him.
"Like what?" He pressed quickly.
"Blood lust." I retaliated automatically. I had slipped up already. He stared at me curiously, knowing I wasn't meant to say that. I clamped my lips firmly shut. He didn't back down.
"I'm not scared of you." He reassured me. It was simple yet completely sincere. His hand was still on my arm, constant and dependable.
"I know you're not." I agreed. "That's what scares me…look we need to go back." I managed to say, my mouth quivering.
"Why?" Because I don't feel in control of myself, because you make me do crazy things, because I like you so much. I didn't say any of these things but he read them anyway. He pulled back from me suddenly, "Okay" he relented. I eyed him suspiciously but he just smiled back at me ungrudgingly if not slightly sadly. To my surprise, it wasn't a game. He was actually giving up, he wasn't pushing me.
"Okay? What that's it?" I asked disbelievingly.
"Yeah. That's it. If you don't want to tell me I'm not going to force you. I just thought you might need to be honest with someone. That kiss felt… maybe not. It's not for me to say." He shrugged off tenderly. "Let's go back."
Seriously?! He was really willing to walk away. Was this really about me being honest and not him needing to know? What was with this guy? Why was he so perfect? He was perfect. This immense feeling welled up from inside me and exploded before I could stop myself. "Okay fine!" Everything broke down. All of the walls I'd been desperately trying to hold up caved in. He looked at me in surprise. "Okay." I confirmed. He braced himself not really sure what was going to come next. I had to act fast before I came to my senses and changed my mind…"Do you remember our first kiss?" I started.
"What do you think?" He joked sarcastically.
"Picture it." I challenged him.
'What?" I had lost him already.
"I need you to picture our first kiss. It was raining. Do you remember the rain?" I led him.
"Yeah." He started unsure. "I mean it wasn't a highlight or anything but…"
"What else do you remember?" I urged.
"I don't get how this is …"
"I'm sorry who was just talking about trust? If you want to know the truth I need you to tell me what you remember." I instructed playfully. "Really try and picture it happening, any details."
"Okay… Well you were wearing your red hoodie." He began slowly.
"Good." I praised encouragingly. "What else? Do you remember what it felt like, the sound of the rain? The truck engine humming? Think of anything you remember from that moment." I continued.
"Okayyy…I remember the hoody because your hair was wet and dripping down onto the front… I remember you were worried about my mum being home, you kept looking towards the front door nervously." He started to slip off into the memory. "I was nervous too because I wanted to kiss you so bad but I didn't want to scare you off so I teased you about being the one to kiss me first and then you…"
Before he could finish his sentence, before I could rethink and realise how wild and reckless it was, I reached out my hand and touched his temple. The touch pulled us both in on ourselves… We were back to that night in the truck again but this time I was in the passenger seat looking at myself; I was in James' memory…
"You should go before your mum comes out again and stares me down." Renesmee teases, though slightly concerned. She's terrified of mum. Thank god she's out tonight.
"She's at her book club tonight." I reassure her.
"Oh… Good." There's a long moment, she looks up at me expectantly, her wet hair still dripping onto her red hoodie. Does she actually want me to leave? Or to stay and kiss her? I'm not sure. "Are you waiting for something?" She asks innocently.
I can't go another day without kissing her. You need to make this happen James. Make a move. "Yeah, for you to kiss me." I tease boldly.
"What?" She exclaims shocked. She's confused. Too strong! You're scaring her off. Take it back. Let her know you're teasing.
"Well you drove me to my door, so technically it's up to you to kiss me goodnight," I try, I'm shaking with nerves.
She's frozen, panicking. I've said the wrong thing. Why am I so nervous? This isn't your first kiss James. Pull it together."That was a joke." I struggle, I'm way past the point of recovery. She's not moving, literally stunned with embarrassment. I need to know she wants me to kiss her or I can't just move in. What if I push her away even further? What if she gets angry, I can't risk that. I've never wanted anyone so much in my whole life.
Shit she's looking at me. Damp, her red hoodie pulled up around her ears. She's stupidly pretty. She doesn't look angry, she looks expectant …"James?" She's started to speak but I've already made my decision. I'm moving forwards quickly before I change my mind. I undo her seatbelt, brush a piece of wet hair from in front of her face and then move my hand to the back of her head, pulling her forwards towards me. She lets me. Our lips meet and my stomach is like fluttering. Her lips are cool and soft and…perfect. She's perfect.
I get pulled out just as quickly as I went in. The darkness closes in around us again and we are back in the woods. James falls backwards slightly and I shake my head trying to get back to myself quickly. When I look up he's gawping at me, his eyes wide and his mouth slightly a jar. "How?" Is all he can manage. Now it was my turn to wait. James' eyes were filled with wonderment, his heart pounding and his breath heavy. He stared at me for a long time, gathering all his thoughts together, everything he knew about me, the biting, the lack of aging, the super powers and trying to make sense of it. Eventually he found words, "you're not … human." He concluded.
"Not entirely." I admitted.
I waited for him to freak out, to scream or to run away from me but he didn't. He just kept his eyes on me and kept thinking, processing rapidly. "The bite." He managed. "When you bit me, you said you infected me..."
"Yeah. Well I kind of did, my..." Don't say venom! "Cells. They mixed with yours and started changing you…" I hadn't prepared to explain myself, I was thinking on the spot.
He cut me off, sensing I was spiralling. "Right now; the super hearing, the way I look, the speed thing. I'm…am I not human?" He almost laughed breathlessly, the idea sounding ludicrous.
"Not entirely." I admitted sheepishly.
His mind was beyond blown, like I had shoved him into outer space and he was floating rapidly away from earth, yet he wasn't hysterical or crazed, he was still calm if not slightly elated. He was taking it all too well, a small part of myself momentarily dared to think that maybe I'd been too over protective, what if James could handle the truth, what if he could adjust, what if there were some way we could be together… "I'm like you." He stated to himself almost satisfied by the prospect.
This immediately snapped me back to reality. Like me; ageless, isolated, dangerous… no that wasn't him at all. I turned my head to expose my neck to him. I knew I had human blood pumping around my body and he had venom currently pumping around his. These two factors only equated to one thing. I could hear his heart start speeding up, his pulse rapid. I looked at him boldly, seeing the blood lust slowly surface in his eyes. He shook his head disgusted by his thoughts, a look of fear replacing his hunger.
"No not like me. And you'll be back to yourself very soon." I assured him, a hint of warning in my voice.
He stared at me, suddenly understanding the danger element. "What are you?" He breathed almost scared to ask.
I didn't answer but stared back at him trying to muster all the vampire in me. I focused on the sound of his blood pumping, on the rush of hunting, the feeling of blood pumping into my mouth. I could feel my eyes turning red and my teeth exposing themselves for a moment and then shook the thoughts from my mind. James was paralysed in shock.
"Still want to be with me?" I asked rhetorically, overcome with self-loathing.
"Yes." He whispered, heavy with sadness.
I owed him more of an explanation. "I'm not pushing you away because I don't love you. I'm pushing you away because I don't want you to be in my life. It's more than speed and super senses; it's violent and lonely and complicated. It's blood." I stated seriously. "I know you want to know everything about me but the more you know, the more danger you're in. It's real James and extremely unsafe. So you just have to trust me when I tell you, it doesn't matter what we feel for each other, we can't be together. I should never have started this with you, I wasn't thinking, it was reckless and it was never ever going to last. Even without Jake, I would never choose this life for you. I wouldn't choose you." I tried to convince us both.
"Well I choose you." The certainty in his words was like iron, my secrets hadn't wavered his feelings.
I looked at him and saw that his stubborn nature had only magnified, he wasn't going to be swayed by any warnings and he wasn't going to be scared off. I needed to end this idea of us once and for all and for that I needed to take a risk "Okay." I gave him. "You can decide for yourself." He stared at me suspiciously but I kept his eye confirming my decision. If this was going to work I would have to be genuine and pray he was the person I hoped he was.
"You have two options…you can choose me if you want; I'll tell you everything, I can make you permanently like me, possibly. We would be together, literally forever…. my family will take a while to come around to it but if that's what you choose then I'll make it work. It's possible." I didn't let myself panic about Jake or the outcome, I was improvising. He looked hopeful, like for the first time there was a real chance.
I cut in before he could speak. "But… if you choose me, if you choose not to get better…I'd have to bite you again and you'd change even more in ways I can't predict, you'd be even more powerful, even stronger, you'd be dangerous maybe, possibly not in control of yourself for a while and extremely blood thirsty." This faltered his determination. I prepared for the final punch…"And if I change you, you won't age and once you had adjusted you'd have to leave town with me and my family and never come back." This shocked him. "You'll never stay in one place for too long, you'll be forever moving, forever scared of what you're capable of, never settled. You'll never go back to school and you will never see your friends again, not Jodie, not Tony, not Robyn…." He looked horrified. "And you would never see your family again, not your sister, not your mum. Ever. You'd have to say goodbye and disappear and they'll never know where you really are, you'll never be able to visit." I finished, keeping my face deadly serious, I wanted him to understand this was the truth. He looked at me in outrage as if I had asked the impossible of him. As if it had been a trick and I knew he could never do that. I inwardly relaxed with relief, he was the person I knew he was, loyal to a fault, he would never be able to leave his family that way. Never.
Tears had started to form in his eyes. "Or?" He asked reluctantly.
"Or we go back to the house, we pretend like nothing's happened. You get better, go back to your perfect ordinary life and I'll take myself and my mess permanently out of the picture." I promised him.
He stared at me defeated as if I hadn't really given him a choice. In that moment we both agreed on option two. He held my arm again reassuringly. "We should head back." He confirmed sadly.
"Okay." I agreed, not knowing how I felt.
Neither of us moved. We stood in the silence.
"It's so weird, I can hear your blood pumping so loudly." James observed astonishingly.
"Yeah, I can hear that constantly, you learn to tune it out. I hear your heart pounding, your pulse beating…"
"Hot." James teased and I laughed easily a huge weight off my shoulders, with less secrets between us I felt closer to him than ever. I thought they would push him away but he was still there inches away from me. "Strange reliving that. It was like I was actually there again, felt so real." He was still in amazement. "You're amazing." He praised me, like he knew I felt the opposite. He knew some of the dark parts of me now and he still saw the good. "It was a good kiss." He laughed breathlessly.
"Yeah. It was a good kiss." I agreed with a smile.
"Not that you had anything to compare it to." He reminded me.
"True." Why was I always behind? I wished that for once I could experience something with someone and for it to be new to them too. "Seems unfair. I wish I was your first." I mused truthfully. James shot up to meet me and I instantly realised what I had said and rushed to correct myself. "Kiss." I added quickly. The comment hung between us. "I meant first kiss.' I tried to convince him but it was too late the suggestion was out there, I couldn't take it back and a large part of me didn't really want to. I hadn't meant to say it but now I had the idea was in my mind and it felt true. I did want to be his first. If we gave that to each other, we would always have that. It sounds stupid but it felt profound and important at the time. "It's you." I gave him. It was the first time I had admitted it to anyone, even myself. But as I said it out loud I knew it was the truth – it was the most honest I had been in months. It felt elating. I wanted James, James was my true choice. Not that it mattered, not that it changed anything, he didn't mean the most to me but he was who I wanted. "I want you."
His pulse was rapid and his hand on my arm had turned electric. "Show me." He dared me and I instantly moved in and met his lips again. It felt like it had only been minutes since our first kiss and now I could feel his nerves again but this time his hands were stronger and his lips cooler like mine. I pushed my body very slowly into his, my hand resting on his firm chest.
Then for the second time that night he pulled away. "We shouldn't do this." He confessed breathlessly.
"Why?" I asked pointlessly. The last thing I wanted to do was examine our actions, I knew perfectly well there were a million reasons why. I just didn't want to admit them yet. I didn't want to think.
"We just agreed we can't be together and yet we're willing to give this to each other, which will inevitably bring us even closer and then we'll have to walk away. Which will hurt like hell…" I cowered at his words knowing he was right. "It won't change anything. And if I think I love you now, what will I feel after? It's only going to make things harder for us. Not to mention we're in the middle of the woods. Is this really where you pictured your first time? I know I didn't. I wanted better for us."
His words were going over my head, I was trying to concentrate but I could only hear him saying that he loved me so matter of factly, it still made my stomach flutter, my heart was full and breaking. I couldn't speak because I knew I couldn't object, everything he was saying was right.
"Renesmee?" He snapped me out of my thoughts. "Can you agree that it's a crazy idea? That it would be setting ourselves up for a world of pain and heartache and we deserve better?" He urged.
"Yes." I agreed, lowering my head shamefully.
"Good. At least we're clear." With that he swiftly brought his hand around my back and pulled me in to him firmly, his mouth simultaneously meeting mine.
His hands pulled at my pyjama bottoms, I was worried he would tear them but he seemed to be gauging his own strength well as they were off and in his hands before I could warn him. His words were still reeling in my head. Before I could process anything, his top was off and my arms were above my head. I pulled them down quickly before he could pull off my top, knowing I wasn't wearing anything underneath. I pulled my lips away from his slightly. His words were haunting me, is this really what he wanted? "What happened to us deserving better?" I whispered nervously into his mouth.
With an alarming force, James' arms suddenly hoisted me upwards, I instinctively wrapped my legs around his waist leaning in to him, my head towering over his face. He held me suspended above him effortlessly, then he freed one hand and brushed some rouge strands of messy bed hair away from my face so tenderly, like the first time he kissed me. "I don't think it gets better than this." He acknowledged earnestly. All of my doubt drifted away into the darkness, I smiled into his lips with relief and he smiled back.
….
Afterwards we sat on the ground up against the tree huddled together. I buried my body into his and he held me firmly in place, his arms guarding me protectively. Time was slipping away and I knew we had to get back soon before Dad or someone even worse came looking for us. I didn't want to move, I wanted the moment to drag on forever.
"Hey. You okay?" James asked protectively, pulling my face round gently towards him.
I nodded and turned to him as he took my face back into both of his hands and kissed me again softly, easily.
"Can we not tell anyone about tonight, I want it to be ours." I whispered close to him.
"Me too." He agreed. I wanted it to be untouchable. I didn't want to taint it with explanations or justifications. I wanted it to stay perfect.
"Thank you." He smiled affectionately kissing me again.
"Thank you?" I questioned mockingly.
"For being honest with me." He clarified with a smile. "And for being my first. It was the perfect end."
The word end echoed between us hauntingly. "If that was the end you should probably stop kissing me." I teased not really wanting him to stop.
"Okay." He smiled kissing the side of my neck so that I giggled abundantly.
"You were right. It's going to be more difficult now to walk away. It will hurt." I pointed out morbidly.
"I know." He acknowledged. He pulled my face up to look at him, he kissed me simply, both of us understanding now it really was the last time. Then to my surprise he grinned at me, a gleaming, cheeky smile. "But it was worth it. Wasn't it?"
I laughed freely, treasuring the feeling. "Yeah it was." I beamed back in agreement.
"And we get to keep it forever. You'll always have this part of me. We'll always be each other's first." He promised me.
His look was so hopeful and happy that all the sadness faded and all that was left was this immense gratitude. I was grateful to have met him, to have had him and to love him. It was more than enough. "Always." I confirmed.
"Come on. Let's go back." He finally relented.
"Okay." I agreed, knowing we could leave and I would still keep the night with me.
…..
"We get to keep it forever. You'll always have this part of me." James' words were close in my ear. That night seemed like a dream now. I was standing lifelessly in the doorway to the bedroom – I hadn't let go of the plastic stick. I couldn't put it down. I thought of James' choice. I wished he would appear before me now with that reassuring smile and take it back. Take the stick out of my hand, tell me everything was going to be alright, everything was as it should be.
I heard something, it pulled me from my inner turmoil. I recognised her light steps as she approached the cabin and waited for her to find me.
"What do you want?" I spoke lifelessly, feeling Alice's eyes on me as mine were still fixed on the piece of plastic.
"I know you told your parents you wanted space but I wanted to check on you. Everyone's mad at me; Jake, your mum, Esme and I assume you're mad too..." She tested.
"Why would I be mad? Because you kept things from me, forced me to come here when I didn't need to. Forced me away from James when he was sick…" I reeled off effortlessly.
"To name a couple…" Alice grimaced.
I gripped the test tightly in my hand. "You wasted your time. I had already been with him. Before we left. You were too late."
"Ness I hope you know I was only doing what I thought was best for Jacob." She rushed to defend herself.
"And what about me? Do you care what's best for me?" I challenged her.
"Of course but you're still growing Nessie, you're still learning. You don't understand that eventually you'll pick Jacob and…"
"I chose James." I cut in.
She looked guilty. "I'm sorry." She apologised.
"When I saw him, my son, I knew he was real, that I was going to be a mum, it seemed like the most natural thing in the world. I was so sure. I thought I would get to meet him. But… I'm not pregnant." The words stung.
"I know." She admitted.
"They're so relieved. Everyone will be so relieved." I informed her flatly. I felt empty and separate from my words. I looked Alice in the eye, "I'm not mad at you Alice. You were protecting Jacob, someone ought to. You got what you wanted. There's no baby. There's no James. It's all done with."
"Ness..." Alice started but had nowhere to go.
"I don't understand. I don't understand why I'm not pregnant. I slept with him. I was so sure it was true. You saw it… "
"I see a lot of things Nessie." She noted almost begrudgingly. "And I usually don't do or say anything. I could see someone's whole future from a single moment, then it passes and they surprise themselves, make a different choice, create a different moment and the whole universe shifts."
They surprise themselves, make a different choice. Her words repeated in my mind over and over. Everything suddenly clicked into place. I knew why I wasn't pregnant, I could finally see it clearly.
"I wasn't going to say anything at first. I thought it was Jacobs, I thought I sensed some of him in the baby at first. I was sure, I got excited and told Jake not to worry. But then I realised I'd only had the vision after you met James and that it was weird I could see the vision at all if it was Jakes. I got confused and then assumed James was the father. I only acted upon the vison and made you leave because I was scared for Jake. And I felt guilty for assuring him things would work out for him. That it would all be okay. I was scared the father was James and that the baby would come to being but I never knew for sure if it would Nessie. There's no telling with something so fragile."
"But you knew James would be safe?" I confronted her.
"Yes. That was different. Every path I saw for James was recovery. There was no doubt in my mind. Some things are unavoidable." That was something at least. "I'm sorry Ness." She repeated.
"I don't know what to do now." I confessed. "I don't want to make any more choices or moments. I just want to go back to when there was a possibility." I admitted.
Alice approached me and held out her hand for the piece of plastic tightly in my clutch. My fingers were digging into my palm in desperation. I felt that if I held on to it tight enough I could hold onto the possibility, the last shred of hope for a normal life; a mother, a child… James.
"The universe has shifted. Life's moving on." She stared me down kindly. "It's unavoidable." I slowly let go of my grip, letting the stick slip through my fingers and drop into her hand. The release let my tears spill over, my legs buckled beneath me. I whimpered softly. "I'll leave you alone." She offered, sensing I needed it. I didn't object so she kissed me on the cheek and left.
I moved myself onto the bed and let myself cry, really cry, hard painful sobs. I cried over my lost baby, over James, over hurting and deceiving Jacob, my family…I cried and cried until I had nothing left. I cried everything out, letting it all go. All of it was gone and all that was left was me and a gaping, wide, open future of choices and moments. I heard James' voice in my head; No one is here. No one can hear you. What do you want?
I knew Jacob would eventually come and find me. Everyone was giving me space but I knew he wouldn't be able to. There was always a pull between us. I felt numb. I didn't have any energy left. It had been the most exhausting week of my life. When I eventually heard him approaching, I couldn't lift myself up to meet him, I couldn't bring myself to move. Jake approached the bed and looked at me, I raised my eye-line to meet his. We stared at each other, both void of emotion. I gathered the energy to prepare myself for what he had to say, I waited for him to shout or tell me he had reached his limit but he just stood there, just as withdrawn as myself. Then he lowered himself down and crawled onto the bed next to me, keeping a gap between us. We both turned to lay on our backs, keeping our distance and looking up at the ceiling. We lay together in silence for a long hollow moment. It was hard to imagine that just that morning we had woken up together in the very same bed, intertwined and closer than ever. Now he thought that was a lie too. I didn't feel close to anyone, I felt like I was drifting off alone in this bizarre grief.
Eventually he spoke; "So I hear you're not pregnant?" He announced softly, privately. All emotion had been run dry from my body, it was now just a piece of information, a simple fact. I shook my head slightly in confirmation.
He sighed a long, slow, pained sigh, his hand pulling across his face in exhaustion. "I'd say let's start again and only tell each other the truth but that doesn't seem to do the trick." He mused.
I swallowed my guilt and spoke frankly: "You keep saying you want the truth but you don't. No one does. People only want the truth if it's convenient. The truth just hurts you and I can't hurt you."
"You hurt me plenty." He objected calmly.
"But I don't try to. I don't want to let you down and yet all I can do is let you down. I feel like my every instinct is against you. And I'm so tired of disappointing you. I can't tell you the truth because the truth is never what you want to hear. So please stop saying you want the truth." I advised.
"I want the truth." Jake pushed.
The truth came easy now, I didn't have any energy left for lies. "I chose James." I confessed honestly. Saying it out loud to Jake made it smaller than it was in my head. "He doesn't mean more to me than you, he never could but he's who I wanted." Once I started I couldn't stop "I love him Jake. And trying to convince myself and you and everyone else otherwise is what's gotten me into this mess. I'm officially off the rails as mum would say." Jake tried to keep his face neutral though I could sense the hurt searing throughout his body. I tried to ease it, "I love you too, you know I do. But it's different. It's not what you want it to be, not yet anyway. I wasn't ready for it but I wanted to be."
He considered what I was saying. "I knew. At the fountain when you told me about the baby. Why did you lie when I asked you if you'd been with James?"
I mustered the will to explain myself. "I was going to tell you but you were getting so angry. I didn't want you to lose your temper and hurt him."
Jake turned to me for the first time, his eyes hard. "Have I ever, ever made you think I could hurt you?"
"No but I've never told you I was having someone else's baby before so…"
He smirked despite himself, shaking his head. "Fair enough."
"Plus you had just been talking about how you wanted to kill me when I was a baby…" I continued.
"That's different!" He objected.
"I wanted to be honest with you but I started to and you got so upset so quickly. I was afraid you'd resent it." My hand absentmindedly moved to my stomach protectively, pointlessly.
He considered this carefully. "I would have." He admitted. "But I still deserved to know. Why didn't you tell me before that? You had been with James before we even got here. Bella filled me in on the when and where. I just don't get why you didn't tell me?" He wanted answers and I owed him that.
"I wanted to keep it for myself." I clarified softly. "I also didn't want to hurt you and it was over so I didn't see the point…"
"If it was over why sleep with him?" Jake cut in antagonistically.
"I didn't plan to. I just…we were saying goodbye." I simplified, knowing he couldn't understand.
"So you just gave him your virginity as a parting gift. That's sweet of you." He joked bitterly to himself.
I knew how crazy it must have sounded to him. "I know you won't understand. I know it sounds crazy. I know it does. But I wanted to be with him. I wanted him to be my first." I declared clearly. The guilt in me starting to ease.
"And yet you let me think I was. That seems like a new level of cruelty." Jake expressed calmly, his frustration dissipating.
"I wasn't doing it to be cruel. I knew that's what you wanted, I knew that's what everyone expected and I wanted to make it right. No one was ever meant to know." I tried to assure him.
"So you were just going to keep it from me forever? Let me believe I was your first." He asked in disbelief.
"Yes. It made you happy didn't it? I knew that's what you wanted but I wanted James. This way we both got to be happy." I admitted, shocked by how open I was being. Maybe he didn't want that much of the truth.
Jake turned onto his side to face me, staring at me also stunned by my honesty. He gawped at me, almost laughing in outrage. "Ness! That is so messed up. This has gotten so out of hand. Now you're sleeping with me to keep me happy?" How awful that sounded, how crazy this had all become.
I turned on my side to meet him. "Also I thought if we were together, the imprint might kick in. I was being impatient, I wanted to feel what everyone expected me to feel. I thought that might change things." My thoughts were flowing out of me effortlessly, I had never been so unguarded before.
"Yeah, I can see that now. That desperation, that manic urgency. You were basically begging me to sleep with you and I didn't even stop to question why. The only time I've ever seen you like that before was when you came to find me at LaPush, when you tried to force yourself on me to cover your guilt over James. It was the same again. You bit James and then came to me at LaPush. You slept with him and then came to me last night. You were using me to try and forget him."
"No I wasn't." I corrected him. "It was over with James and despite what I felt I knew I was meant to be with you. I thought if I gave myself to you it would activate the imprint in me or something."
"Right because it's currently dormant."
"No..."
"Yes Renesmee. Come on, who are we kidding here? The imprint isn't strong in you. That is plainly obvious. You're stronger. The truth is part of you is vampire and vampires don't naturally go with werewolves. Part of you is resistant to the imprint. You wouldn't be able to sleep with someone else. You wouldn't even be able to think of someone else that way. Trust me. Maybe that will change but maybe not. The reason Alice managed to convince Edward of all people to run here scared is because they think you're immune to the imprint and they're right. I know it. You don't love me because you're my imprint. You just love me because I've always been here." He seemed tired and defeated.
A fresh surge of energy grew up in me. I sat up to address him with a new determination. "Isn't that better?!" I fought. "For me to love you because I've grown to not because I'm told to?"
"It's better to have you." He moped.
"I'm not a possession." I reminded him.
"You know what I mean."
"I do but it feels like everyone has a right to me, a right to make decisions about me and for me and because of me. I can't help how I feel. I want to be able to make choices for myself and be honest about them." I confided in him openly.
"You can always be honest with me." He informed me. "It may not always seem like it but I want the truth from you."
I decided to give him the truth he wanted to hear for once. "It's over with James. Completely finished. Forever." I vowed. "I won't betray you like that again. Ever. Not the lying." I promised, every word finally feeling true.
Jake considered this. "Okay." He accepted. "Shall we promise to only tell the truth from now on? I feel like that's where this is leading. Third time lucky?"
"No." I laughed. "Actions speak louder than words anyway. Let me just prove it." I suggested.
"Sounds good."
"And in return I need you to back me up, be in my corner or everything turns to crap."
Jake looked up at me as if seeing an old friend for the first time in a long time. He pulled himself and sat next to me on the bed. We looked at each other with a familiar glint of understanding one another, we were back on the same team again for the first time in a while. "Okay." He agreed. "I've got your back. I might not always like it, I might not agree with it but I'll support it if it's what's best for you." He promised and I grinned with gratitude. "If I can promise that, can you know you can trust me to be able to handle the truth?" He asked me seriously.
"Yes." I promised. With him in my corner I felt invincible again.
"So what now?" He asked giving me the reigns.
"What do you suggest?" I smiled wearily.
Jake thought to himself for a long moment. "I suggest we put us on ice for a while. Until further notice. You've just been through a break up and a pregnancy scare and lost your virginity, twice! …" we both laughed at the madness. "We both need to take some time to process. Get back to ourselves. I'm not going to push you anymore, I want you to come to things by yourself. And if you need space I can try and give you that. Your mum helped me realise that I can handle more than I expected I could. I mean you slept with someone else, I thought I'd be suicidal right now but I'm okay. I'm hurting but I'm okay. I'm stronger than I thought I was. I can be strong for you. As long as you're happy I can live with it. You do what you need to do." He permitted.
It was the most wonderful thing anyone had ever said to me, ever done for me. I felt a huge weight lift off from me. I felt like air. I thought about what Jake was saying. Do what you need to do. I heard James' voice still in my head. What do you want?
"I know what I want to do." I confessed bowing my head slightly in hesitation.
Jake pulled my face up back up to meet his. "Tell me." He encouraged confidently. And for the first time in a while I felt I could.
….
I am back in the ice box waiting area at the Volturi headquarters, although this time I am with everyone. Jacob kept his eye on Wendy suspiciously, who was sorting through some papers and looking up at us every few moments. Dad and mum kept their eye on Jacob protectively and everyone else waited on me to change my mind and admit this was a bad idea.
I put my hand on Jakes arm to steady his nerves. "It's okay." I murmured.
Jake didn't take his eye off Wendy for a minute. "Actually I'm not sure it is okay." Jake whispered to us all. "Do you think it's creepier than usual in here?"
"Scared?" Rosalie taunted him cruelly.
"A little yeah." Jake admitted.
Mum was just as nervous "Are we sure it's a good idea for Jake to go in, if she tells them about the vision they may turn on him." She confided to dad.
"Thanks for the vote of confidence Bells." Jacob scorned void of humour.
"I'm sorry but they're not your biggest fan right now."
"Or ever." Jacob added.
"Maybe she's right." Rosalie questioned, her own protectiveness over Jake getting the better of her.
"Oh great. If Rosalie is worried then I'm definitely going to die." Jake exclaimed dramatically.
"You're not going to die." Alice assured him.
"Could be safer for him to stay here." Jaspar caved. "Aro is powerful, very dangerous and over protective and possessive of a certain hybrid" He was pointing indiscreetly towards my head.
"I want everyone in there." I reminded them all. "Yes Aro is dangerous and powerful but he's not a threat to me. All he's ever been is honest with me and I owe him the same. Just let me do the talking. He won't want to upset me. Trust me. He won't kill Jake." I assured them.
"What about maim? Will he maim me?" Jake asked this time a little humour coming through.
Everyone quickly hushed Jacob as Wendy started walking towards us with purpose. She headed for me and ignored the rest.
"You can go in now Renesmee." She stated sweetly implying I go in alone.
"I've brought my family with me to see Aro." I informed her. "I would like them to come in with me as usual." I ordered. I tried to stare her out, not blinking so that I seemed in control.
"I think its best you proceed alone." She persisted.
"And I think its best we all go in together. Or I'm not going in at all." I fought. "Tell Aro that it's my choice to have them with me." Wendy could tell I wasn't negotiating and relented heading back to her desk.
"Maybe we shouldn't be too aggressive with these very crazy people." Jake whispered into the back of my head.
"She's human." I reminded him dismissively. "What's she going do?"
In a matter of moments Wendy was back again. "Aro will see you. All of you." She emphasised.
"Thank you Wendy" Dad chimed, giving her his best smile and she practically melted to the floor.
"Not a problem. I'll show you in." She offered cheerfully, her mood suddenly pleasant. Dad had that effect on humans. It's another thing I wish I'd inherited from him. She walked us all down the halls and then knocked again on the same door I had arrived at the day before.
"Come in." Aro summoned again.
Jake turned to me as if we were about to walk off a cliff. "Don't do anything stupid." He urged me.
"Just don't phase okay." I instructed him. "Being in wolf form will only escalate things."
"Brilliant." Jake swallowed nervously.
Wendy pulled the door and gestured for us all to file in. Dad went ahead and then me, Jake, mum and the rest behind. I could tell instantly Aro was displeased, his welcoming smile was nowhere to be seen. This time instead of standing on the steps to greet me, he was sat on his thrown like seat, watching us carefully as we filtered in. Cauis and Marcus again stood on one side of him but this time Felix was there sitting next to him and Jane was further forward away from Alec nearer to Aro. I assumed this was some sort of power formation. They were all tense and aggravated.
"I didn't expect you to bring company." Aro stated coldly once we'd all settled into the space. I stood in front of them with mum and dad back to my left with Alice and Jasper behind and Jake back to my right with Rosalie and Emmet behind. Alec and Jane looked at Jacob and scrunched up their noses slightly like they'd smelt something bad. I turned my head back to catch Jake's eye and smirked to myself in amusement. He rolled his eyes in an exasperated manner that let me know he was in hell. "I thought I made it clear yesterday that you would come back alone with your decision." Aro pressed again, expecting an explanation.
I stood tall and reminded myself to be in control. "Yes but you also made it clear that you believe I am grown enough to make my own choices. So I chose to bring my family here today. I want everything to be open between us all." I stated bravely.
Aro and the others all looked among themselves, then Aro nodded his head slightly, impressed with my new found confidence. "Very well. Have you found your answers?" He questioned with intrigue.
I took a deep breath, ready to begin. "Yes. I know everything." I hoped it was true, that there were no more secrets between us. "And you were right, I was being kept in the dark about a lot of things." I confirmed.
Aro seemed satisfied. "Yes lies have driven your own flesh against you." He accused angrily.
"And me against them." I informed him. "I have kept secrets too, told my own lies. I am not a victim here."
Aro seemed surprised by my guilty plea. "Lies breed lies Renesmee. If you are exposed to falsehoods you will learn to tell your own. This is the consequence of being raised in deceit." Aro assured me, not accepting that I could have any responsibility for my actions. I thought on this, it was certainly what I was claiming to my parents that morning. Now I wasn't so sure. I knew they would want to defend themselves, speak out against Aro's accusations but they had promised me not to step in. I needed to handle this alone.
"Then I see no other way to move forward, than to expose these secrets and bring them out into the open." I stated confidently. The room became tense. "Then no one is living in deceit and we can start a fresh page."
Aro considered this option. "Very well. Tell us what was so pressing that they would force you here against your will." Aro enquired curiously.
"Alice had a vison back in forks, it was a vison of a possible future for me." This peaked everyone's interest. Jane looked to Alice suspiciously. I could feel my family behind me holding their tongues, fighting the urge to speak out. I felt Jacobs warning on me, his eyes piercing into the back of my head. "The vison was of a child. A baby boy…mine." I continued.
The room erupted as the Volturi exchanged concerned mutterings. Aro looked pleased, the first moment of genuine warmth since I arrived. Then his expression turned from wonderment to concern. After a moment the room settled and focused back onto me.
"And the father?" Jane queried, a slight warning in her tone.
I tread carefully. "Alice assumed James. That is why she pushed for me to come here, to distance me from him so the child would never come to being."
Aro's smiled a dangerous, satisfied gleam. Then his eyes went red. "Kill him." He flicked his hand towards Jacob and before I could blink, Felix had flipped Jake onto his back and was choking him out. Emmett instantly threw himself at Felix who tried to hold him off for a moment before Jane intercepted.
Jane focused her eyes and said the word "pain". I knew what would follow. She had an ability to inflict immense pain just by looking at someone. Emmett arched backwards, his body tense and paralysed from the agony. Rosalie screamed. Everyone went to move towards Jacob but Jane caught them in her gaze as dad, Alice and Jaspar all dropped to their knees on the floor. Mum, who is immune to Jane's abilities stood in front of Emmett trying to act as a shield to protect Jake.
"Stop them!" I instructed Aro.
"You will turn James, start a life with him. Bring this child to being. You can try to convince them all you like but I have seen your affection for the human. Alice has seen your future, it is time to act on it. You love this boy. He is the fitting choice. I am simply making it easier for you by making him the only choice." Aro spoke to me as if he were simply doing me a favour.
I stood myself as big and tall as I possibly could right in front of Aro and tried to summon every ounce of power I had within me. "I said stop!" I demanded fiercely to the room.
This got everyone's attention. Aro looked at me astounded and I held his eye, determined to stare him out. He raised his hand and Felix and Jane both stood down. Jake gasped out for breath, spluttering on the floor, his whole body convulsing, trying to refrain from phasing into wolf form.
I addressed Aro, "you're right. I do love James but I won't be with. I've realised what I love about him is that he is not part of my life. I love how simple it is to be in his life. If I turned James, if I brought him into this world, he wouldn't be the person I love anymore."
Jake was now sitting up exhausted and still breathing deeply. Felix had forgotten about him for a moment, everyone was listening to what I had to say.
"I will not turn James." I insisted. "If you don't believe me just look at what I've been willing to put him through just to keep him human. I risked his life to spare his humanity because that's what I love most about him. Please don't take it away. Blood, secrets, never settling in one place, never being able to have his family or life-long friends, I could never want that for him. I don't. I don't want this life for him. You say you truly respect my choices and will let me pick my own path, then let me. I want James to return to his life. Please, if our loyalty to each other means anything. Please respect my wishes."
Aro considered my plea. "If you wish it we will leave James. We only want what's best for you Renesmee. But without James we fear you will be swayed towards your families wishes. They would have you mate with this dog and we cannot stand by and let that happen." He seemed genuinely concerned. The hatred between vampires and werewolves was stubborn and fierce.
The thought of me being with Jake was a nightmare for Aro. I had to try and change that. "I want to show you something. I promised I would share a memory with you remember?" I offered.
Aro was surprised by my change of topic. He opened his arms out to beckon me. I stepped forwards until I was in front of him. I lifted my hand up, an invitation. "Renesmee..." I heard dad warn me. Knowing what I was about to do but the warning only intrigued Aro more, he tilted his head forward and I touched his temple without hesitation.
We were pulled inwards. It was a crib, a small wooden, white painted bed with bars. We leaned inside and he was laying on his back starring up at us, his small body was wriggling. He was wrapped in cream sheeting, his arms poking out, stretching upwards towards us. He had dark black hair and hazel eyes which seemed aware and alert. He was smiling. He was looking at us as if he recognised us, as if he wanted us to take him …
I pulled out quickly, overcome with emotion. When I came back into the room Aro was already staring at me with amazement. There was a softening in his eye. It was what I had hoped for. "Alice assumed the child was James'. But this child is part vampire, part human and part werewolf." I stated confidently.
My family couldn't hold their opinions any longer. They rushed to intercept my statement. "We don't know that Renesmee." Mum called out.
"Alice cannot see Jacob's future." Dad reminded Aro. Thinking this claim would put Jake in even more harm.
But I stuck with my plan. "You know the truth. You can see it. You can sense three sides, just as I could." I challenged him. "I could see it in your eyes."
Aro did not object, he waited for me to continue.
"You would prefer me to mate with an ordinary human. If anything weakening my line of succession. Rather than the possibility of what you have just seen: born not bitten. He would grow to be strong, fast, ageless. But also have the ability to heal himself, to regenerate cells. The instinct and tracking abilities of a wolf with the speed and power of a vampire. My powers of the mind, human sensitivity and blood still pumping through the body. If you think I'm unique, think about what he would be..."
I could see Aro's mind at work, imagining these possibilities.
"I know your disapproval of Jacob. That is because the hatred between vampires and werewolves goes back for centuries. So think how rare this occurrence is, open your eyes to what you are seeing." I gestured to Jake. "A werewolf alone, miles from his pack, choosing to come here in human form before you, to stand with vampires. It's unheard of no?" Everyone looked towards Jake. "Did you ever think you would see such a thing? Did you ever think you would see vampires fighting against you to protect a wolf? You are witnessing a werewolf who is part of a vampire family. You can fight that or see it as a one-time opportunity."
Aro was listening intently, hanging onto my every word. "Go on." He requested.
"Jake has imprinted on me. A werewolf has never imprinted on a vampire gene. It was impossible to imagine before now. It may never happen again in history. You know this to be true. This child proves what can come from merging our genes together." I expressed enthusiastically as if I were pitching a kitchen blender not my own offspring.
"The child is merely a vision, it may never come to light." Aro pointed out.
"True. But if you accept Jacob in my life it will be a possibility. If you kill him however or prevent him from seeing me, it will certainly never come to light. You are scared of our genes merging. I am simply showing you what that could mean. Is a hybrid something to fear? Or something miraculous to be protected like me." I challenged him.
Aro reminded silent. The whole room was waiting for him to speak. He raised his arms and gestured for Jane and Felix to return to him. They all moved close together and muttered among themselves. I couldn't make out what they were saying, they always communicated in codes and silent glances.
Eventually they opened out again to address us. "We have considered your appeal." Aro announced. I held my breath, hoping I hadn't made a mistake. "We agree that this possibility of a hybrid may be useful, a unique opportunity. Whether it would be another gem to be treasured like you we are yet to decide. However, we do not want to act in haste. For now Jacob will be free to be part of your life, we will see how things progress."
Everyone relaxed in relief. I smiled at Jacob and then at Aro. "Thank you."
"He would not be our choice for you but the choice is yours to make." He confirmed. "You also had another choice to make. Is your wish to leave with your family?" Aro assumed, trying to hide his disappointment.
"Actually no. My decision is to take you up on your offer." I informed him confidently. "That's why I wanted everyone here." I turned to face my family, catching mum and dads eye. "I want to stay here with the Volturi for a while."
Mum responded immediately in surprise. "Ness? What are you talking about?" Dad had seen it coming.
"Aro asked me to consider joining them here at the quarters, temporarily. To get some space for myself." I clarified.
"No." Mum warned me.
"Just for a few months." I urged her. "I want some time to myself. Aro has offered me protection, space and time to work on my powers here in Italy. Most teenagers get a spring break or a chance to travel and find themselves. This can be mine."
"I'm sorry Renesmee but my answer is no. You have just witnessed their danger, this is no place for a child." She argued.
I was done being told what to do. "I'm not asking for permission and I'm not a child anymore, I'm nearly of age now and Aro would never hurt me. I need this for myself. Aro is right in some ways; I have been shielded too much and I do need to figure out my own path. I wanted you all together here today so you could see that I'm not a possession for any of you to squabble over, I care for all of you deeply but I can't please you all. I have to do what feels right for me even if it's disappointing." I persisted.
"We are not leaving you here in Italy." Mum repeated.
"Why not? What's the worst that can happen? I'm perfectly capable of looking after myself among humans and I'm in a quiet, beautiful place protected by the most powerful beings on the planet. It's not like I'm a human teenager, backpacking around India by myself, which Robyn did last year by the way! If I've learnt anything from my time with humans it's that they take way bigger risks than us and they are a million times more vulnerable. If you can't loosen your grip on me even for a few months then you're only going to push me further away. I'm trying to tell you this will be good for me." I pressed.
Mum turned to Jake surprised he hadn't weighed in. "Jake?" She prompted.
"I think it's a good idea." Jake chimed in with support. "It could be good for everyone Bells."
Everyone looked shocked to oblivion. Mum couldn't believe Jake was in support of this, it made her second guess herself, her stubbornness dissolved slightly. Aro and Jane looked at Jake as if they were seeing him in a whole new light. They were grateful for his input.
"Thank you Jacob." Aro commented genuinely. It was the first time he had ever spoken to him directly. He then addressed my parents. "We may disagree on many things but we are united in our care and affection for Renesmee." He assured them. "We would treat her as one of our own."
"I will hunt with her and make sure she is familiar with the land." Alec jumped in.
"And I will work with her to develop her powers. She is capable of much more." Jane added enthusiastically.
Dad hadn't commented. "Dad?" I shot him my pleading eyes. He looked to mum for insight before making a decision. "Maybe." He settled. "We will discuss it further tonight and let Aro know our decision after some more thought." He concluded. This was the final say.
Rather than object Aro supported him "Agreed. Take your time." He allowed.
I felt a wave of excitement and relief. I was making my own choices and I was being listened to. I was being taken seriously. I felt powerful and elated. I felt free.
….
Afterwards we all walked back towards the cabins. Everyone still processing what had just taken place. Rosalie was clinging to Emmett, Alice and Jasper were uncharacteristically quiet. I had already apologised profusely for the violence but they were all sore losers and coming away from any fight feeling defeated put everyone in a weird funk. I would need to make it up to them. Mum and Dad were thoughtful and dreading the impending decision ahead.
"Don't worry so much." I comforted them.
"We'll talk about this more tonight." Mum informed me. "I have a lot of conditions." She warned.
Jacob hung back, waiting for me to sneak away from the group. I fell back slowly as they went on ahead without me.
"Are you okay?" I asked again for the millionth time.
"Yes I'm fine." He insisted. "Not the first time I've suffered at the ends of vampires." He quipped smugly.
"Thanks for your help in there." I praised gratefully.
"Said I'd have your back didn't I?"
"You did." I grinned appreciatively. "I think mum and dad are planning an intervention later." I mused worriedly.
"Yeah. They may take some more persuading but we'll get through to them eventually." He smiled optimistically. The way he said 'we' made me happy. We were a team again. This also made me feel slightly concerned. Had I really thought about Jakes part in this idea?
We walked alongside each other slowly, taking in the sunset and the evening breeze. Everything felt calm.
"How did you know that would work? Showing him the vision. How did you convince him the baby had my genes?" Jake asked with interest.
"Because he did." I told him. "Alice was confused over the vision because she could sense both you and James in the baby. I did too. But I didn't get it because the night I slept with him, he hadn't been injected with your genes yet. Then earlier Alice was talking to me about how every decision causes the universe to shift and suddenly I just knew; it was that night when I asked James to run away with me. That was the decision. You'd asked him to push me away but I think he was going to leave with me, I saw it in his eyes for a moment and then he made a different choice, decided to stick to his word. But if we'd gone, if we'd run away together…." We both filled the silence with our thoughts, if we'd have gone things would be very different now and there would be a baby that tied all three of us together. "James would have still had my venom and your blood in his body. The baby in Alice's vision had both vampire and werewolf in him but James was the father, that's why she could see it." I concluded.
"It was a risk. Telling Aro. It could have gone a different way." He scolded me slightly.
"Aro likes me because I'm one of a kind. The vision was of a revolutionary child, even more unique than me; a three part hybrid. I knew once he understood that he might change his view. With James recovered now the only possibility for a child like that would be…"
"Ours." Jake finished, the idea seemed too gravitas. "Human, vampire and werewolf genes." Jake mused to himself as if it were the first time he'd considered this.
"Right. Pretty special." I deflected. "It might not stick forever but I thought it might get Aro off our backs for now. Make him pause for thought at least."
"Clever." He smirked.
"So, are you sure about this?" I asked changing the subject from our expected future once again.
He shrugged off my concern. "Nope. Not at all but we'll never know until we try. This is what you want right?"
Was it? The liberating idea of being on my own for the first time suddenly felt terrifying. "Yeah. I think so."
"Right. Then we'll give it a go. Could be a disaster, I mean the cliché of giving each other space was my idea but literally, I don't know if that really works for imprints. It could be a real torture but then if it gets too much I'll visit. If visits aren't enough I'll move in with Wendy. Get a flat share nearby, something with a balcony. Help out at reception, fill out paperwork for the innocent humans being lined up for slaughter. It would suck to be away from the pack but…"
"Shut up." I dismissed overly amused.
"I'll visit." He concluded.
It was suddenly all very real. Was I really going to stay there alone? I didn't have any idea what I was planning to do there in Italy. Was it all a bit crazy? "I'm not sure what I'll do here." I admitted with uncertainty.
"Isn't that the point? That's our gig now right; living life off the rails, no destination, no journey mapper. Take it one day at a time." He pitched too enthusiastically.
I eyed him up suspiciously. "You're having way too much fun with this."
He chuckled. "I'm really not. But… and I never thought I'd say this in a million years let alone twice…I think it might be a good idea. You need time to deal with your feelings or we're just going to keep hurting each other. And Bella's challenged me to test myself a bit more, it could be good for me to experiment with how much I can stand."
"Sounds enjoyable." I teased.
"I know, can't wait." He sighed sarcastically. I worried this wasn't a good idea at all. What if it hurt Jake even more, what if I wasn't up to doing things completely alone for the first time in my life. "Trust you to basically beg me to do this and then when you finally get what you want change your mind." He grinned cheekily, knowing full well the last time he said this to me.
"It could be hard to be apart." I confessed suddenly realising the longest we had been apart was only a week.
"Undoubtedly."
"It could be scary and stressful and daunting." I confessed honestly.
He didn't seem worried, instead he grinned at me with optimism for the first time in ages. "It could be worth it." He dared me. James' words echoed back in my mind. It was worth it. Wasn't it? "In the long run. And we're in it for the long run right?"
I returned the grin suddenly, reaffirmed in my decision. "Right. Let's do it. That's our gig now; no commitment, no plans, no second guessing…"
"No rules." Jake joined in, happy to see me excited about something.
"No idea what's to come."
"That's right. Congratulations Renesmee Cullen, no one knows what your future holds." Jake bellowed dramatically.
I laughed with euphoria. It was the most comforting and exciting thing I had ever heard. I started to run, the breeze on my cheeks, in my hair, the last beams of sunlight on my face. "Race you back!" I shouted at the top of my lungs. I could hear Jake chuckling behind me but I kept running, feeling the power in my body, the lightness in my heart and refusing to look back.