Jade barely moved after Lane and Beck departed. At any other time, Jade would have been straining to eavesdrop on the conversation, as clearly, she was being discussed. However, after the argument with Beck off the back of her father's attempted phone call, Jade was all too aware of the tightness in her chest. Her skin was starting to crawl and the sense of impending doom had returned which, after Lane's discussion, Jade was aware were symptoms of a panic attack.

'I need to get a fucking grip, this is ridiculous.'

Unfortunately, no matter what she told herself, the panic continued to grow. She shot a glance towards the door, torn between the urge to be alone and wanting to scream just so someone would hear. After Beck's outburst, wanting to be alone seemed to win the war; after all, wasn't she just proving his point now?

She tore her gaze away, now focusing on the bed as she tried to regain control. She hated feeling like this, hated feeling completely powerless. As she started to shake, a feeling of despair filled her at the seemingly hopeless situation. In a last-ditch attempt Jade shut her eyes, willing herself to calm down as her brain fought against her. In her mind she could see her father, angry and shouting although she couldn't hear the words at all. She felt a sharp pain as her nails eclipsed the foam ball and dug into her palm instead, providing a moment of lucidness amongst the chaos. Lane's earlier advice on breathing was suddenly pushed to the forefront of her mind and Jade found herself following it.

In for three, hold for three.

At first it felt like she was suffocating, but Jade was strangely okay with that.

Out for four.

Her first attempt had little effect, but she tried again, nails now digging back into the ball in earnest.

In for three, hold for three, out for four.

The second set didn't seem to make much difference either at first, but Jade realised her father was no longer so clear in her mind; easier to ignore and push away. The weight was still settled on her chest, but Jade pushed through.

In, hold, out; In, hold, out.

She felt some semblance of control return to her, there was a strange comfort in the rhythmic repetition of her breaths. Her eyes were still shut but no longer squeezed tight. As she continued to regulate her breathing, she found herself imagining a breezy cliff face that looked over a cerulean blue sea. There was a strange sense of déjà vu, but Jade wasn't sure why.

In, hold, out; in, hold, out.

The sea was choppy, white froth churning in the tall waves as the smashed into the base of the cliff. The image was so sharp that Jade was almost certain she should be able to hear them; it was like watching a television on mute.

All at once, the image started to fade, and it was gone before Jade was even fully aware of it. Jade sat still; eyes still shut trying to take stock of what she was feeling; a routine she was starting to dread. The weight was still sitting on her chest, but it had lessened considerably. The growing dread also wasn't gone but it felt much further away, and Jade felt as though she could ignore it if she tried hard enough. She swallowed apprehensively before letting her eyes open. The room was still the same bright, clinical space, a million miles away from the seascape she had just been confronted with. Even now as Jade tried to recall the image it slipped away; it was like trying to hold smoke in her hands. Jade frowned as she struggled to remember the elusive landscape, no longer certain she had actually imagined anything at all, but her concentration was broken as Beck re-entered the room.

She looked up but instantly regretted it when she saw Beck; after his words to her not ten minutes ago she wasn't in the mood to talk to him. Despite all the conversations they'd had in the last few days, him knowing she didn't want to be pitied, he apparently hadn't been listening. She looked away, choosing to stare pointedly out of the window in the hope he'd get the hint.

Beck on the other hand, felt ashamed. He was furious with himself for losing his temper like that, and even more so for what he had said. His shirt collar suddenly felt too tight as he wondered whether he'd blown it completely with Jade, whether she'd ever trust him again now. Lane had told him he needed to explain himself to her, but Beck was afraid that was just dumping more baggage into Jade's lap; god knows she had enough there already.

He expected her to reject him but her refusal to even look at him still hurt. He jammed his hands into his pockets, letting them play with the lining as he stood awkwardly off to the side, not wanting to approach the bed just yet.

"Jade, can we talk?"

"No."

Beck was taken aback, having been expecting the silent treatment but her outright rejection caught him by surprise.

"Please." Beck wasn't above begging, he was now desperate for her to understand. This time Jade surprised both him and herself by looking directly at him, a glare fixed on her face.

"I don't have anything to say to you."

"Then just let me do the talking." he pleaded but Jade's anger was back and rising.

"Why should I? So you can tell me how unhappy you are? Or maybe a lecture on how I'm so screwed up again?"

"I didn't mean it like that, and you know it" Beck heard his own voice raise, frustration getting the better of him.

"Actually Beck, no I don't. You've sat here for days supposedly being supportive but now apparently I'm some burden, nothing more than a child you have to look after."

Jade furiously ignored the way her voice caught, still too angry to let the hurt show more than it had to.

"It's not like that" Beck was insistent.

"Then what is it like?"

The gauntlet had been thrown; Beck only had to take up the challenge. He exhaled, now approaching the bed but not yet sitting; it felt too familiar given the fight they were having.

"It's not that I'm worried about you, I mean I am, but it's not why I didn't want you to be on your own, or at least not all of it." Beck was well aware he was rambling and certainly not making himself clear, if the deep-set glare on Jade's face was anything to go by.

"I guess I've just been struggling since I found you, as it seems like every time I do leave something bad happens to you and I know it's in my head but it's just, it's difficult" he trailed off, suddenly paying close attention to the corner of the bed frame.

Jade's expression lessened ever so slightly as she looked at him, but she stayed quiet.

"I didn't want to tell you because it wasn't your problem and you've already got so much to deal with, it just didn't seem right."

Beck finally looked up to meet Jade's gaze, willing her to understand what he was saying. Jade didn't move to say anything, still chewing over what he'd said but Beck couldn't stand the silence.

"Please say something."

"You are such a hypocrite."

Whatever Beck was expecting Jade to say, it wasn't that.

"What?"

"How many times have you insisted I tell you something private, that I be honest with you about everything?"

"I never asked-" Beck started but paused as he realised there was some truth to her words.

"You made a point of telling me how hurt you were when I didn't tell you about my mother"

"That's not the same thing"

"Isn't it?"

"Not even close, your mother was an abusive drug addict who apparently made your life hell and you never even thought to tell me, not once in over two years together!" Beck had intended on remaining calm, but he was rapidly losing the battle as his frustrations bubbled to the surface.

"I did think" The words escaped Jade's mouth before she could stop them, her face coloured slightly.

"What?" Beck's frustration quickly gave way to momentary confusion.

"I mean, I did think about telling you" Jade mumbled, and her hand quickly found the foam ball, but she refused to look away.

"I came close a few times, but-"

"But what?"

As Jade failed to finish the sentence, Beck's frustration returned.

"What was it Jade? Didn't you trust me? Did you think I wouldn't care? Was our relationship that bad and I just didn't notice?"

Jade shook her head slowly, trying to work it out in her own mind as much as Beck was.

"It wasn't that, at least I don't think it was"

"You don't think it was?" Jade's eyes narrowed.

"Fuck off Beck, you're not the only person this is difficult for."

Jade's words had the intended effect as Beck winced, realising the anger was getting the better of him. He took a calming breath and moved himself onto the end of the bed; Jade didn't protest.

"I'm sorry." He offered.

"I'm sorry too." Jade's voice was quieter, but she still didn't look away; if they were going to do this now, they were going to do it properly.

"I need you to understand that whatever reasons I had for not telling you, they weren't anything to do with you. I'm still trying to figure out why exactly but all I know is what we had was safe and I didn't want to ruin it" Jade shook her head "Although that didn't exactly work in the long run anyway." She muttered as an aside.

Beck watched her, slightly in awe of her composure given that supposedly she should be the one who was emotionally unstable given her current condition.

"It doesn't change the fact you're still using a double standard when it comes to me though."

Now it was Beck's turn to frown, were they really back to this again?

"Don't look at me like that, you wanted to talk so here it is; you held and still hold me to a higher standard than you hold yourself and its suffocating."

"That's not true." Beck started to protest but Jade cut him off.

"Yes, it is, how many times when we were going out did you flirt or intentionally make me jealous and then act like I was unreasonable when I got angry about it?"

"That's not fair, you knew I was only teasing"

"In the beginning I did, but you never stopped, and you never seemed to care when it crossed the line from being funny to hurtful."

"You never said anything? If this is about Tori-" Jade nearly rolled her eyes.

"No, it's not, I mean yes it's about her but no more than it's about Alyssa Vaughan, or Meredith or any of the fucking others."

Beck's head was swimming, it had started as good natured ribbing when Jade had early on pointed out she thought he was too good looking for his own good. She'd been the one that had held off going exclusive, he'd been the one who chased her; he'd always taken the jealousy as a sign of affection, sometimes it felt like the only time he could get a read on her feelings. He felt guilty because, as time had gone on, he had sometimes done it to intentionally rile her up, to get at her when he thought she was being unfair or difficult.

"I guess sometimes it felt like the only way to know what you were feeling, you'd put these walls up and it was like you were there, but you weren't at the same time."

Jade felt her own guilt stabbing at her, she knew exactly what Beck was referring to, the emotional distance she used as a shield from her parents invaded other parts of her life indiscriminately. It had sometimes felt as though her relationship with Beck was a box ticking exercise. Go over to the RV, sit on the couch and make out, cuddle up and watch a film, wait for him to fall asleep and pray that she could do the same. It wasn't that she hated doing those things, it was just that she couldn't always take the same amount of joy in them that she should have, that she wanted to. It didn't make Beck's arms any less comforting but for some reason she'd hold herself back from actually feeling it.

"You're right though, sometimes I did do it to get at you and I'm ashamed now I look back on it. I'm still furious I never pushed further when I could see something was wrong, that I never realised what was going on."

"You shouldn't be." Again, Jade had managed to surprise him. "I don't think I ever would have told you."

It was strange how words could be so hurtful and yet strangely comforting at the same time. A quiet settled between the two, and although it was not wholly comfortable, neither of them wanted to be the first to break it.

Jade couldn't quite untangle her feelings, but for once it wasn't frustrating her. She felt a vindication that she hadn't been the only one sabotaging their relationship, however unintentionally. The aura of perfection that had always surrounded Beck in her eyes, the feeling that he was a goodness she could never measure up to was gone with his admission of sometimes flirting to provoke a reaction. While she'd accused him of it in their fights, thought about it into the early hours of mornings when she should have been sleeping, it was only now she realised that it wasn't actually fair of him. Before it had always been twisted in her mind, a reminder that she was screwed up, but Beck had somehow cleansed her of that blame now. His admission should have made her angry but the freedom it brought with it far outweighed any anger. For the first time she was realising that Beck wasn't perfect.

She looked at him, and really looked this time. She could see the distress plainly written across his face, his slightly hunched shoulders and the intermittent twitch of his left leg. She nudged him gently with her foot, determined to pull him from his mind as she knew only too well how horrible it was to be trapped there.

"What are you thinking?" It felt strange to Jade, for her to finally be the one to ask that question as opposed to being on the receiving end.

"Why does this feel like the first honest conversation we've ever had?"

It was as though cold water had been poured on Jade's recent calm, her insides churned as the implications of Beck's simple question sunk in. Was this really the first time they had been honest with each other? She fought the urge to lash out and fought it hard.

"I think it might be the most honest we've been in a while." Jade said slowly "But I didn't spend two years lying to you."

Beck held off pointing out that actually she had, even if it was a lie of omission; he knew she meant it more broadly. Doubt still crept in, had she loved him the same way he loved her? The same way he still loved her?

"Me neither." Beck's voice was so quiet, the distant noise from the corridor nearly drowned it out, but Jade didn't miss it.

"I guess our relationship was more screwed up than we thought."

"But we had good times though?" It was meant as a statement but ended up as more of a question, a plea from Beck to Jade for confirmation that it hadn't all been bad.

"Of course, we did." Jade regarded him with confusion; how could he think there was no good in their relationship? She saw some of the tension instantly leave his upper body, his face noticeably relaxed and Jade felt overcome with a nostalgic longing for the people they'd once been. It hadn't been perfect, but it had been them and she needed him to understand that.

"Beck, our relationship was sometimes the only good thing I had in my life."

Beck supposed he should have felt warmed by her statement, comforted and maybe even reassured, but it fell short.

"But that's not even a good thing!"

Jade bit her lip as Beck's slightly anguished retort hit home; he was right. Dr Williamson's words rang out in her mind, the accusation of dependency still fresh but this time Jade didn't even feel like she could deny it. There were so many times when she'd been dependent on Beck for her happiness, more times than she could count. A relationship should be something that adds to your life, it shouldn't be the sole determination of your happiness. Jade's chest felt tight.

"I guess the shrink was right about one thing then."

Beck's head snapped up, having been focused on counting creases in the sheets beneath him to distract from the weight of the conversation. Jade looked how he felt, as though a veil was being lifted and the past pulled out from under them. Yet, despite what they were both saying, Beck couldn't help but fight back.

"But, it's like you said we did have good times, we had a lot of them." The memory of the coastal walk was still at the forefront of his mind, but it was hardly an isolated occurrence. He had so many memories of movie nights, long walks, lunches and dinners, lazy days tucked up in the RV when they'd order food in and pretend that nothing existed outside the metal box.

"We did but I think I became too dependent on you for everything and that's when the fighting got worse." Jade admitted quietly, trying to fight the burning in her cheeks as she circled back to the feeling that this was all down to her. The meaning behind her words didn't go unnoticed by Beck for one second.

"Yeah, well, you weren't alone in that." Jade looked up at him, her eyes narrowed in blatant disbelief.

"After we broke up, I realised just how much time we spent with each other, how much I depended on you for most of my social interaction, my days felt so empty, but I couldn't remember how to fill them." Beck was almost musing more to himself now than to Jade, but Jade was paying rapt attention nonetheless, this was a whole different side to Beck than she'd seen before.

"Even when we were fighting I'd use it as an outlet, more than once I would take other stress out on you because I knew you'd fight back; I don't even think I knew what I was doing until I didn't have it anymore, until I didn't have you anymore."

Jade nearly cracked a dry joke about using your girlfriend for stress relief but realised it really wasn't the time, the impulse driven more by her discomfort at the situation than any real want of humour. Beck wiped his hands down his face, meeting her eyes once again.

"God this is such a mess."

Jade was no longer sure exactly what he was referring to, as a 'mess' was applicable to a plethora of situations including the present and their past relationship. She stayed quiet, content to watch him again while they both contemplated the next move. Where did they go from here?

Beck's mind was tying itself in knots unsure whether Jade's silence was a good or bad sign. The conversation they were having had been strangely cathartic at times, but it didn't feel finished yet, and that filled Beck with anxiety. He felt as though they were walking a tightrope and one false move would destroy everything, if there even was anything left to destroy at this point. God, Beck hoped there was. A surge of desperation shot through him; he wanted to fix this, he wanted both of them to fix this.

"How have you been since we broke up?"

His question may as well have come with a warning siren, he practically saw Jade's walls go up in defence.

"I'm not asking to make you uncomfortable and I get it seems like a stupid question with your mother and everything but, truth is, I want to know if it's been like it has for me." Beck ploughed ahead, deciding if this was the only time, they were going to have this conversation, he may as well through everything on the table.

"Because since we broke up, it's felt like there's been a massive Jade shaped hole in my life and, even after I started trying to get things back together, my life just isn't the same without you in it."

He didn't let her continued silence deter him, now holding her gaze with a half-smile on his face. For once the words came as easy as those he'd memorise from a script, only this time they came straight from his him without any effort.

"They always say teenagers don't know what real love is, that you have crushes and in ten years you will barely remember their name but I don't agree because I know I love you Jade and nothing is ever going to change that."

Jade's felt light-headed but, for once, it wasn't a panic attack or PTSD episode, simply the complete unexpectedness of the words currently pouring out of Beck's mouth. There was no trace of deception or hesitation in his face, only an unwavering gaze that was impossible for her to look away from.

"All this time apart may have shown that we had issues, that we need to work on things but really it's shown me that just because I can function without you, it doesn't mean I want to."

Jade kept her mouth shut, resisting the urge to respond in kind. It was so tempting. Jade knew how much she missed him and his presence in her life, but hadn't they just rehashed every reason why it didn't work between them? The longing in her stomach had taken on a life of its own, becoming a painful ache that only made her want to give in even more. Beck was looking at her with such hope in his eyes she had to tear her own eyes away just to keep herself in check.

"Beck it didn't work." Her voice was once again quiet, her tone resolute.

"No, it didn't." His response was honest, but Beck wasn't giving up that easily. "But that was then, this is now; don't you want to start over? Don't you still have feelings for me too?"

Doubt had crept into his tone and Jade met his eyes again, wanting to convey her feelings without having to say anything. That was the kind of couple telepathy they had excelled at in their relationship but now it wasn't good enough.

"But what if we just end up here again?"

"Then we try again, or we call it a day knowing we tried but I don't think we will Jade."

"I just don't think I can take anyone else leaving." Her voice was barely above a whisper, catching as she admitted the truth to both Beck and herself for the first time, her ultimate fear. Beck wasted no time taking her free hand in his, squeezy ball and all.

"I can't promise that no one else will ever leave, but I promise I will do everything in my power to make sure I'm not one of them."

He could see it in her eyes, the flash of emotion when he knew she believed him, that she was with him.

"Okay."

"Okay?" Beck's face split into a wide grin before he could stop it, a complimentary accompaniment to the butterflies that had formed in his stomach. Jade squeezed his hands lightly and he wasted no time in squeezing back. He shifted himself down the bed to envelope her in a hug. While they'd shared several embraces in the past days this one felt different, there was no hesitation and it was like they slotted together like pieces of a puzzle. Beck inhaled the faint smell of Jade's shampoo, the comforting scent wrapping around him in the embrace like a warm welcome home. Jade held him tight, simply enjoying the feeling of being held without the niggling doubts in her head; she was sure they would return before long but for those few precious minutes she let herself be.

Eventually Beck pulled back and went to drop a kiss onto Jade's cheek but she turned her head at the last minute, letting his lips meet hers. It was brief but after his momentary surprise Beck felt his eyes flicker shut of their own accord. He'd missed Jade.

Jade was somewhat disappointed when relief didn't immediately flood her body at the contact. There was no fairy-tale resolution as they reconciled, simply a brief feeling of something nice that melted into the background soon after the action ended. She wanted to hold onto the fleeting feeling, but it was gone as quickly as it came; an apt reminder that she was far from being out of the woods just yet.

Beck settled her more fully into his arms, a mirror of their early morning embrace, and Jade tried to relax into it but couldn't quite manage it. She shuffled slightly, trying to will away the intrusive thoughts that had taken the opportunity to restart their assault on her psyche.

"I can hear you thinking, you know." Beck's voice broke the silence, but he didn't loosen his hold on her.

"This doesn't feel right."

'Well that didn't take long.' Beck's stomach sunk as Jade spoke. He'd been expecting Jade to waver at some point, to question their decision further but not barely five minutes after they'd made it. He fought the rising panic inside and kept still, as though he were trying not to spook a frightened animal.

"What doesn't feel right?"

"My mother just died, I nearly died, but a few days on and I'm getting back together with my ex; fucking hell I'm so screwed up."

"No, you're not." Beck insisted "Jade there isn't a rule book, you can't prioritise your feelings, that's just not how it works."

"Well it damn well should work like that; I mean what does that even say about me?"

She pulled away from Beck, suddenly feeling suffocated. Beck let her go without complaint but didn't move from the bed. Her insecurities that had arisen earlier with Lane were back in full force; why had Beck become the focal point in a bunch of issues that had almost nothing to do with him?

"I don't know what you think it says about you but, to me, it just seems as though you're processing things as best you can."

Beck was cautious but he didn't want Jade to work herself into another panic attack; she needed a break. Jade seemed to digest his words, still agitated but more in control as the foam ball took another beating.

"Don't beat yourself up over feelings Jade."

Jade was momentarily startled as Beck saw right through her, like he always had done. She tried not to get angry, but did he think she liked this?

"I'm not trying to lecture you, I wish I could make it all go away for you."

Jade felt the anger melt away in the somewhat frustrating way Beck always managed to achieve when he wanted to. Jade slumped slightly, the exhaustion of the days activities finally setting in and she was embarrassed as she realised how little control she seemed to have over her emotions. Once again, Beck seemed to know just what to do as he pulled her back into a loose embrace, allowing her space and comfort in equal measure. He rustled around clumsily with his free arm that was dangling over the edge of the bed until he found the paperback he'd been reaching for. He positioned it into his lap and flipped to the page with the slightly bent corner.

"Don't judge, I didn't bring a bookmark." He knew Jade considered bending corners of pages to be sacrilege which Beck didn't understand as her books all tended to have marks on the spine where they'd been read so many times; the one time he'd pointed this out had not ended well so Beck just fondly accepted the ridiculousness of it all. The absence of a tut, disapproving scowl or even a frown only served as a reminder that things were far from normal, but Beck had a renewed sense of purpose. He shifted again and Jade instinctively pillowed her head on his shoulder, eyes shut as Beck started to read about the strange happenings surrounding Dr Hyde.

Well there it is, it was time for 'the talk'. Ironically this is one of the shorter chapters I've written but has taken the longest as the conversation was written (and re-written) so many times.

Thanks for still being with me 26 chapters deep (I genuinely never saw it being this long!). Time is going to pick up a bit in the next chapter and some more important bits are planned. Hope you enjoyed reading :)