« Hum... I don't know... » blushed Tama « It's... We're friends, right ? »
« Yeah. » nodded Haruhi with a half smile « We are. »
« Hum, okay... » said Tama shyly.
« What's the matter, Tama-chan ? »
« It's... I don't know how to say this... Maybe I should just go, that was stupid of me, forgive me. » she said, getting up.
« No, it's fine. » said Haruhi, taking Tama's hand in hers « you can speak to me, whatever the subject of your turmoil. Please, Tama. »
« Hum... O... Okaasan told me that... You and Souji, you... are kind of having a relationship or something... » she eventually spitted out.
« We were. » nodded Haruhi « But Souji's engagement with you put an end to that. You don't have to worry about it. »
« I don't worry ! » she yelled « I'm... I feel guilty... because, you, you love Souji and... He... marries me so... »
« Tama-chan » smiled Haruhi « Do you want that marriage ? »
Tama seemed to think intensely and eventually nodded, which shattered Haruhi's heart.
« Okaasan said that it's what Otousan wanted. And... he always told me I'd marry a samurai one day. I never thought he could mean Souji but it does make sense... » she explained « It just feels so... scary, you know ? I know it is my duty, to marry him according to my father's wishes, bear his children and take care of him and his house but... Why does it feel so scary and why do I feel like a monster, stealing him from you ? »
« You're not stealing anything, Tama-chan. » said Haruhi softly « Souji took his decision himself. »
« Does Souji love you ? » asked Tama genuinely.
That girl really was naive and oblivious to ask so painful questions without even realizing how she was hurting her feelings.
« It's irrelevant. » said Haruhi grudgingly « since you're gonna be his wife. »
« His wife... » repeated Tama with a half voice before her face lost all its color « Haru-chan, would you mind if we go outside ? I think I need air... »
Haruhi nodded, concerned, and helped her febrile friend to get out. Outside, it was windy enough for Tama to breath more efficiently.
« Thank you... » smiled Tama faintly.
« I'm sorry, I know you're probably looking for confort but I'm not very good with these kind of things... »
Tama was looking lengthily at the Shieikan as if she was seeing it for the first time and she eventually opened her mouth again.
« It's big... » she commented « It's... gonna feel so empty with only Souji and I... Okaasan said she'd come often and that it'll get easier when I'll take care of my children but in the meantime, it really looks so empty... »
« The Shieikan never is truly empty. » stated Haruhi, looking at it too « children are already filling it, even if they may not be yours for the moment. Their laughs and banter are heard in its corridors. It's not as sinister as you think. »
« Are you gonna keep teaching here ? » asked Tama out of the blue.
« I guess... » muttered Haruhi « If it's not a problem for you. If you don't feel comfortable with me working at the Shieikan, I will go. »
« No ! » she shook her head « I.. I hoped you'd say yes ! I... I fear to be alone here... Souji is avoiding me and I'm sure he'll keep doing it after the wedding so... I really need a friend right now. »
Can we really keep being friends when I will be imagining the man I love touching your skin every night ?
Tama probably realized how her words have wounded Haruhi and she bowed frenetically to apologize.
« I'm sorry ! How insensitive of me to ask this from you... » she said « I don't know what came over me... The anguish is spinning my head up... »
« I heard it's perfectly normal » smiled Haruhi « to feel anxious days before a wedding, and thus, even if it's one dictated by love. »
« Mine isn't... » she sighed « but Okaasan says that affection comes later and that I shouldn't worry. She said it's easier with children because it's easier to love the father of our children than just our husband. I hope I will get some quickly... »
Please stop using the word husband... and please, stop speaking about his children...
« Your mother may be right... » muttered Haruhi « I honestly don't know... »
« Did your mother tell you the same thing when she prepared you for marriage ? » asked Tama genuinely.
« My mother is dead, remember ? » stated Haruhi « I never met her. My father never prepared me for marriage either. He did make me offers but the choice was mine. He married out of love, I think it's the only thing in his entire life that he did not do out of duty. I think he'd like me to have the same chance, as well as my brothers. I'm not sure though, my father doesn't speak much and especially about these kind of intimate subjects. He's a bashful man. »
« I think you are lucky, Haru-chan. » smiled Tama « because you can choose to marry someone you love. »
« Except that person is Souji. » quipped Haruhi with a chuckle.
« Ah ! Sorry ! » flushed Tama « I'm so sorry ! I spoke without thinking ! »
« No harm done... » lied Haruhi.
But that conversation was getting harder to maintain, Haruhi's anger threatening to unleash even if the poor Tama wasn't responsible for her sadness. She had no desire for Souji, no desire to marry him... She was just following orders like an obedient daughter, the sole role she ever had in her life and the only thing ever expected from her, just like most girls.
« Souji already doesn't really like me... » complained Tama with a sigh « he's gonna hate me after the wedding since I will be breaking your relationship. »
« It's already broken. » nodded Haruhi « although... Souji asked me to stay as concubine... »
« You're gonna do it ? » asked Tama.
« I don't know... » sighed Haruhi « I don't think so. »
« You know... » blushed Tama « I would love to have you living at the Shieikan with us... Appart from Kenjutsu and sweets, I don't know a thing about what Souji likes and... I'm sure it's gonna be awkward, our conversations... »
« You do realize that if I stay as concubine, we'd be sharing more than conversations ? » asked Haruhi with a bit of annoyance due to the girl's naivety.
« Hum, yes... » blushed Tama « I know... »
« And you don't mind having another woman in your husband's bed ? » asked Haruhi, astonished.
« Okaasan said it'd be a bad thing. » said Tama, thinking « because you might have children and they could be a threat to mines for the heritage, especially if you have boys. But... I think that if Souji has someone else, someone whose company he really enjoys, then he might visit me less often... Is it wrong to think this ? I should put my husband's needs and will above mines, I must be a terrible person... »
« No... » smiled Haruhi « I like your honesty. I'm sure every girl thinks this but just doesn't voice it. »
« You think so ? » asked Tama.
« Yeah. » nodded Haruhi « I wouldn't like to be touched by someone I don't love. »
« You and Souji... » asked Tama shyly, blushing red « have you ever... hum... you know... »
« Yes. » replied Haruhi, not liking the direction the conversation was taking.
« Does it hurt ? » asked Tama, apprehension visible in her eyes « Okaasan explained what would happen on the wedding night but she wouldn't tell me... »
« Souji's a caring man. » replied Haruhi, throat dry « He'll try his best to make it pleasant, I'm sure of it. »
« Even if he doesn't love me ? »
« Yeah. » nodded Haruhi « He may not love you but he respects you. He'll be gentle... I guess... »
Haruhi was feeling nauseous while speaking these words, imagining Souji's skin against Tama's, Souji's lips against Tama's, Souji's tongue on Tama's core, Souji's shaft entering Tama... She felt sick and thought that she was going to throw up. Knowing that neither of them wanted to share that moment should have helped, except it wasn't. They would share it anyway and Haruhi couldn't do more than imagine, play it in her head.
« So... Is there anything else, Tama-chan ? » asked Haruhi, eager to change the subject.
« Yeah, sorry... I got carried away and it wasn't really respectful for your feelings... » said Tama, shaking her head « I wanted to ask you if you would like to help me prepare for the wedding with my mother but now that I know your feelings for Souji, it seems to be very rude of me so I'm just gonna go... »
« Tama-chan » smiled Haruhi « We are friends, even if you marry Souji. Of course, I am not pleased about this wedding, I'm not gonna lie to you. Yet, I know that you aren't pleased either and I don't report the fault on you. I'd be honored to help you prepare. »
« Thank you, Haru-chan. » said Tama, taking her friend in her arms « You can't even imagine how much it means to me, to have you with me and not be alone with my mother... It actually helps to have someone who understands my turmoil. Okaasan only speaks about duty and honor, submission... Never feelings. She says it's a weakness, to acknowledge them. »
« I disagree. » smiled Haruhi « because feelings are a force. Even my father, who shut his feelings for a long time, eventually acknowledged that they could be an asset. And he's the strongest man I know. »
« Stronger than Souji ? » asked Tama, surprised.
« Maybe. » chuckled Haruhi « I never saw them fight but I've heard it's a tie and with Shin too. »
Tama nodded shyly and broke the hug, smiling to her.
« Then... I guess I'll see you the day after tomorrow... It's getting late and Okaasan is surely waiting. She told me you wouldn't agree to help me but I'm glad she was wrong. »
I'm agreeing because you're my friend but also because I might find a way to make your mother confess and expose her lies. I will try until the end to stop this, for you, for Souji and for me, as unworthy as it could be.
« See you there, Tama-chan. » smiled Haruhi.
Tama bowed and got away and Haruhi went back inside the Shieikan to finish tidying it up before Souji's return, late at night. She cleaned everything up including the tea that Tama hadn't even drunk, her stomach probably too knotted, just as Haruhi's.
When she was finished, she got back to the workshop and Kurozawa-sensei greeted her with a frowny face.
« You're late. » he stated « I was going to warn the police. »
Haruhi smiled and patted then old man's shoulder.
« Thanks for worrying about me but there is no point anymore. Besides, Souji wasn't even there, he got out for the night. I just took too much time with the cleaning because Tama came to speak to me. »
« The Kondou girl ? » he lifted an eyebrow, surprised « What did she want ? »
« To help her prepare for the wedding. »
« And she's asking you ? You ? » he frowned again « you didn't kill her, I hope. »
« No. » chuckled Haruhi « I accepted. »
« Are you serious ? » he grumbled « you girl are some kind of masochist, Fujita. »
« Souji said something similar once. » she smiled « but no. I don't enjoy to suffer, I just don't think I'm defeated yet. »
« You are a fighter, I won't deny that. » he sighed « I'll pick you up in tears, that's all that's gonna happen. »
« We'll see... » said Haruhi, making some tea for the both of them « I guess the next days will tell. »