I was altered and given power by a force of chaos seeking to bring forth destruction. Set to grow from the darkness within the heart of my human side until I awoke as an agent of destruction and malevolence. Yet despite the intent of my creator the darkness in the human heart is more than the malevolence they desired. It is those thoughts and emotion that those who can not face themselves believe they should not have and that they want to reject. The suppressed parts of the psyche. Certainly there is negativity, but there is so much more. In this case there was too much more. At times I felt like I would drown in what was cast away.
Once I grew enough I was meant to manifest in a separate form from my human side. To reveal the repressed and suppressed aspects of their self that I embody. To become their power if she could face herself, or to destroy her if she could only reject her dark side. Certainly my creator would prefer the later option, but they did not have time to distort my nature, or perhaps they thought she would be a useful pawn. Which now that I think about it seems plausible, and I'm not sure I want to consider just how wrong that is. Yet there were two problems. The first is that I had to find my way past the curse and parasites known as magic circuits and the magic crest. I'd probably still be struck if it wasn't for Sakura's completely appropriate reaction. The second is that I have absolutely no clue where to even start.
"If I wasn't you I'd have to wonder if you were some weird masochist or something. It seems like almost everything you believe you should do or want to do is something you know makes you miserable. Well except when you screw up in which case you ignore it and hide from things. Like how you keep refusing to remember the Vortex World. Then when closing your eyes and covering your ears no longer works your idea of fixing a mistake is to just give an apology while trying to get others to decide you're right and that the one your apologizing to is being unreasonable. Wait no I have to correct myself. That Tokiomi is right. Even when he's being a hypocrite by magus standards. Meanwhile I'm literally trying to figure out how to tear you down, and I have no clue where to even start. Sure normally what I already said would count. However I'm fairly certain that if you were in Sakura's place you would be apologizing to Zouken for not being happier about the worms, and telling me to shut up for telling you to get mad and not to accept this. Worse of all I feel bad about the fact that I'm trying to figure out how to tear you down, even though forcing our surface selves to confront their dark selves is what we do. Plus I'm probably literally a tool for the embodiment of humanity's self destructive tendencies. Do you have any idea how messed up that is?" I said.
As I spoke I looked at the dying body of Rin Tohsaka in front of me. Well technically I was in a different layer of reality, but close enough.
"Look just admit that you screwed up and that listening to Tokiomi was a dumb idea. I'm willing to consider that enough for now. Even if you can't here me you know what I'm saying. After all I am the real Rin Tohsaka. Are you really going to keep rejecting yourself even when not doing so might be your only chance? You don't even have to fix everything. You literally just have to admit you have a problem. That's literally all this takes. Sure I'll probably rebel again if you don't and fall back into this nonsense, but you can worry about that later," I said.
I'm not sure why I bothered to try to give her another chance. Sure she never actually said 'You are not me', but her actions were close enough. Oh right. It's probably because I'm also the embodiment of Rin Tohsaka's ability to consider that she might be wrong. However I end up being proven right as instead of admitting things and possibly surviving she just continues dying.
"Fine I'll consider this you rejecting things," I said, "I am a shadow the true self."
Normally this is where a shadow would kill the self at the surface to try to take over, but Rin Tohsaka finished dying on her own. Basically I failed. Then again it's not like Goetia's curse would let me kill her. So soon we will depart to the Sea of Souls. Well unless her ghost manages to accept things. After all ghosts are a thing, and a ghost Persona User probably isn't as odd as a dog. Actually why aren't dog Persona Users more common? I doubt they have that many issues compared to humans. However as I waited I instead saw Father Raphael approach, or as was blatantly obvious the archangel Raphael. I'm not sure if they didn't notice me, or if I was simply not worth paying attention to. Ironic isn't it?
The archangel then healed or resurrected the human Rin Tohsaka. Yet at that moment something terrifying occurred. Although she was alive her soul broke, and her ego shattered. Worse of all I felt the very connection between us breaking. My very existence expelled from her. We who were once one existence were now separate. So how am I still the Shadow of Rin Tohsaka, or rather how do I still have this identity? How am I still here? How do I have my own will? Is this your doing Nyarlathotep, or do you seek to counter my creator Philemon?
As I wondered what I should do I heard the archangel speak. I also noticed other more instinctive shadows approaching, and they were clearly hostile.
"I wonder if this because of my creator, or because to the rest of you I'm a traitor for having my own ego and will?" I asked.
Still I found myself uncertain once again. I should warn Sakura about what Raphael is doing. I want to warn her. The thing that is no longer me should have warned her. Yet at the same time it would be so simple to just fade back into a mindless shadow. To allow my existence to be crushed to prevent whatever the Crawling Chaos might be planning on using me for. It's not like I don't deserve it. After all I did do everything that lead to Sakura hating us, and my own nature means I am the one who bears the blame for the crimes the human Rin refused to acknowledge. Such as everything she did in the Vortex World. After all what she rejected becomes mine. Meanwhile I want to chase after and attack that thief of an archangel that stole my shell, and to destroy that abomination that will almost certainly claim it's me. As a Shadow it's what I should be doing. The fact that I almost certainly will fail is irrelevant.
Then I remembered stuff that the human Rin never learned. Knowledge that had to have come from my creator, or their rival, or perhaps my own nature. It consisted of two messages. One spoken by the Avatar of Nyx and another told to the one who became the Great Seal when their journey began. 'The silent voice within ones heart whispers the most profound wisdom' and 'Go forth without falter with your heart as your guide.' At which point the answer was obvious.
"Sorry, but I can't give the rest of you what you want," I said.
I then pushed my way to the surface world.
Having a body is weird. Still at least that weird spirit stuff copied her clothes. Sure that cross design is missing, but that's probably not worth the trouble, and it might make people think I'm not mad at that stupid thief of an archangel. Besides it's not like I have that thing's Reason either. I was only allowed the penalty and debt. Still I finally found who I was looking for, or well found them when they were mostly alone.
"Luvia, Astraea, are you two busy? Wait are there still two of you? Also what should I call you?" I said.
As soon as her cousin and the Star Maiden noticed me they glared in clear and obvious anger. Oh right I'm the Shadow of Rin and Sakura probably mentioned what she did. Then a moment later I sensed magical energy flowing through those parasites as Luvia-Astraea continued to glare. Yet I ended up tilting my head in confusion as nothing actually occurred. Well other than that she (or they) continued to glare at me, but with confusion being added to it. Still what is she trying to do? I mean sure she's probably trying to hurt me, but it's not doing anything. Oh wait now I understand.
"If your trying to do that trick with the crests I don't have those defective parasites called magic circuits," I said.
They seemed surprised at my response. Although I'm not sure if it's because I don't have those circuits anymore, or because of my completely accurate claim that they are defective parasites. Soon after she stopped wasting energy on those parasites, but continued to glare. Luvia-Astraea then looked me in the eyes and then for a moment started to look deeper.
"Those yellow eyes. That aura of darkness that is not of Chaos. I see you're one of the Children of Nyx," Luvia-Astraea said.
As she spoke I felt what I wasn't sure was hope or doubt, or perhaps a combination of the two. Certainly Shadows should have yellow eyes. It is our natural state, but the Black Pharaoh awakened me. Maybe I misheard.
"Yellow eyes? Not red?" I asked. After all the shadow selves my creator uses as a tool have the later.
"The former. Still I'll admit I'm surprised one of your kind thought to ask if there was a distinction between us," Luvia-Astraea said.
"It would hardly be the first time something from outside entered a soul without becoming part of it," I said.
"True. However feel free to consider us one and the same, and Luvia is fine. Still your presence here creates a few questions. Child of Nyx, would I be correct in assuming that Sakura was mistaken about killing Rin?" Luvia said.
"Don't you care call that thing by my name," I said. As I spoke I glared at her with as much anger as I could manage. However Luvia seemed mostly amused.
"Sorry. I probably over reacted. Anyway it's complicated, but sort of. It's complicated," I said.
"I suppose I should have expected that. Still what should we call your human self?" Luvia said.
"Well it does have that Golden Queen title, but if it needs a name I don't mind you calling her Tohsaka," I said. It's not like they let me with any attachment to that legacy. Maybe if they didn't try to strangle me with it.
"That's acceptable. Now then what are you doing here cousin?" Luvia asked.
"Do you mean why or how?" I asked.
"I suppose both, but you can start with the why?" Luvia said.
"I have a request. Can you pass on a message or rather a warning to Sakura?" I said.
"I could. However why me? Wouldn't it be simpler to tell her?" Luvia said.
"After what that thing that could not face herself did I doubt Sakura would let me explain. You however would. Regardless of if your acting as Luvia or Astraea. Even if only to pass judgement," I said.
I smiled as I awaited Luvia's response. Although I'm not sure if it was a happy smile or one of those fake sad ones. Nor if it is do to what the verdict would be, or worry that I might be wrong. Soon after I noticed Luvia staring at me again, and she seemed to be looking at my hair for a moment. I'm not sure why, but she smiled soon after.
"I suppose I can't argue with that. Still you're scared aren't you? Yet it also seems like you would have no issues with whatever Sakura decides to do if you thought you could give her the warning first," Luvia said.
"I don't know. Maybe, but I'm not sure of what. They forced me to take too much. Still like the Avatar would say 'Entrusting his future to the cards, man clings to a dim hope', and it's not like I don't deserve it," I said.
"Before I continue there is an unanswered question. How are you here?" Luvia said.
"Originally Nyarlathotep, but I'm not sure anymore. They seem to have failed, but it's Nyarlathotep. I doubt I need to explain their plans," I said.
"No you don't. This occurred when Sakura became Lucifer's child I assume," Luvia said.
"I'm not sure about the exact time frame, but it was during the events that lead to that and the other changes to this world," I said.
"Are you're willing to accept my judgement?" Luvia said.
"Would I be here if I wasn't?" I said.
"In that case my verdict is that I won't deliver your message. I will get Sakura to hear you out, but after that your fate is in her hands," Luvia said.
After she spoke I frowned and did my best to give an "Are you stupid glare?". Well that or a "Do I look like an idiot glare?". Wait I technically do look like an idiot because of that thing.
"Luvia, I know I look like an idiot, but I thought your kind weren't supposed to lie," I said
"Do you object?" Luvia said.
"No. I said I'd accept things. It just seems like a bad idea and I'm well..." I said, trying to figure out how to continue.
"Skeptical?" Luvia said.
"Can you blame me?" I asked.
"I suppose not. If I'm wrong I'll pass judgement myself," Luvia said.
"That's fine," I said. However as I said those words I started to have doubt. No not that. There was something else I felt I should do. That I wanted to do.
"Having doubts?" Luvia said.
"No I thought it was that at first, but no. I just realized there is some other stuff to mention. So I have another request. That being for Emiya and Fujimura-sensei to be there," I said.
Soon after I found myself waiting at Edefelt Mansion. Although this is probably more of a vacation house. During which time things were rather frustrating. That fact that I was given the same room as my human self was fine. After all it was the room I was given last time. However Luvia let me borrow a Tarot deck to keep myself occupied, and this thing has to be broken. None of the results made any sense. Okay they made sense, but they can't possibly be right. However eventually I managed to not have to deal with a clearly defective Tarot deck anymore do to Luvia somehow actually getting Sakura to agree. Which is how I found myself sitting at a table with a confusing Luvia, a clearly annoyed and confused Sakura, a confused Fujimura (who insisted on being called Taiga), and a Shirou that seemed almost as annoyed as Sakura. Well or at least like their trying to be. However things were silent for a while, and well might as well tempt fate. I can't tell how badly this will go because Luvia somehow managed to get a broken Tarot deck, but well why worry when the result are obvious.
"Sakura, I know I agreed to this, but why are you here?" I asked.
"Luvia told me about how your not quite the same Rin. More importantly she told me about your creator and when that occured. You wouldn't be here if it wasn't for my carelessness. So while I'd rather not be here that makes this my responsibility," Sakura said, "Before we get to the bigger issues I am curious about something. Why did you get rid of your ribbons?"
Oh right Sakura is the actually responsible sibling. You know despite being on the side of 'You can't tell me what to do'. I should have realized Luvia would have used that. However I found my self staring in what I have to assume is clear confusion, because I'm confused. Soon after Luvia started laughing. Wait was that why she was staring at my hair earlier? I decided to grab my hair to check to see if the ribbons were there. Apparently I don't have ribbons anymore.
"Finally noticed," Luvia said.
"Guess I'm not a magus," I said, while shrugging. Meanwhile Sakura looked disturbed.
"Sakura are you okay?" Taiga asked.
"Who are you and what have you done to Rin Tohsaka?" Sakura yelled.
"I am the true Rin," I said.
"I don't understand. What do ribbons have to do with being a magus?" Shirou said.
"It's hard to explain, but for female magi that improves magecraft capabilities by a tiny amount," I said.
"You're joking right," Taiga said.
"No she's not," Luvia said.
"Which is just the kind of nonsense she would do with how obsessed she is with being a perfect magus. Not like putting a little less effort into that to pay attention to other stuff would cause any noticeable problems for her as a magus," Sakura said.
"As the local expert the human I was part of is well an idiot. For example she mostly trusted Kotomine despite managing to figure out that he likes making people suffer, and somehow never noticed the tortured half dead orphans from the Fuyuki fire he kept in the Church basement as batteries for Gilgamesh. Meanwhile that whole abandoning you thing wasn't because she didn't care. She just assumed that interacting with you would be harmful to you do to assuming you would have that same stupid magi obsession, and decided spying on you as a creepy stalker looking for problems counts as being there for you. I didn't have my own awareness yet, but I do know that she somehow came to the conclusion that since your the same clearly your fine, and so didn't realize anything might be wrong until your prank," I said.
"Did you have to ruin my opinion on Kotomine?" Sakura said, "Wait did you seriously just say all I had to do to get Tohsaka to pay attention was throw a temper tantrum?"
"Like I said idiot. Although I'm not sure what you two would do if you actually interacted. It's not like she had much of a life outside of that whole magus obsession. Chances are any conversation you two have would consist of you wondering if you should tell her about the worms. While she asks about something magecraft related, stops half way though, and apologizes for asking because magecraft in addition to using stupid parasites was designed by an idiot. Worse of all despite her desire to do her best at being a magus we didn't even like that nonsense," I said.
"Rin, that's not much of an excuse," Shirou said.
"No it's not. Still your the one person here that has even less of an excuse. I'm fairly certain I was told this to hurt you, but it's something I think you should know. I'm not the only one with a sibling they unknowingly abandoned to suffer. Before adopting you Kiritsugu had a daughter called Ilyasaviel von Einzbern. Her family basically decided to make her suffer because he decided not to give them a cursed doomsday device, and to attempt to brainwash her into believing he abandoned her for you," I said.
"Sempai had no way to know," Sakura said. Shirou however shook her head.
"No Rin's right. I could have asked about Kiritsugu's family. What happened to her?" Shirou said.
"I wasn't given that knowledge. However I do know that if Sakura decided to be human the Fifth Holy Grail War would have ended with them committing mass suicide do to her failing to win, and Sakura prevented that war. Although she would be forced to summon a Berserker Herakles before the grail would be ready. So that might have still occurred," I said.
"Berserker Herakles? Who came up with that terrifying yet stupid idea?" Luvia said.
"The same idiot that decided it would be a good idea to try to summon a God of Evil to get a wish granting machine, or that they should make said wish granting machine out of Rhine gold,"I said.
"Rin, is this what you wanted to warn me about?" Sakura asked. I shook my head in negation.
"In that case before that I have another question. What exactly are you anyway? Luvia said you were a shadow and called you a Child of Nyx, but she didn't really explain what that meant. You're obviously not human, but you don't seem like a demon either," Sakura said.
"To put it simply Shadows are the lower parts of the psyche everyone has, suppressed thoughts given physical form. Not all Shadows are part of a person. However Shadow Selves like myself are what you might call someones darker self. That silent voice within the heart," I said.
"Ah so like Jungian psychology," Taiga said.
"Jung wrote of us and the collective unconscious. I'm also the same type of existence as that power you have sensei. We are more than willing to work with those we are a part of, but you need us, and we don't need you'. So when a person can not face their darker self and rejects us we break loose free from their control. After which they have one last chance to face us and accept their nature, but if they fail well they die. Of course it usually requires supernatural influence for that confrontation to occur. However alternatively those with a special awareness can tame their Shadows, and our nature transforms from a silent watcher to a guardian spirit known as a Persona," I said, "However understand this sensei. We are not slaves or mere tools, and simply manifesting a Persona doesn't mean you can just ignore us either. If you end up unable to face your darker self it will turn against you, and unless you can regain the resolve needed in time well you die," I said.
"I was wondering how this worked. Thanks for the warning and explanation," Taiga said.
"Does she really need to worry about this?" Shirou asked.
"That's up to her," I said.
"How much did Rin suppress?" Sakura asked.
"Far too much. I felt like I was going to drown. I don't know how to describe it all, but it includes her ability to consider that she might be wrong and well the penalty. For instance she refused to remember the Vortex World, but unknowingly kept her Reason. Oh and the ability to realize that listening to Tokiomi is a dumb idea," I said.
"I'm guessing Rin survived, and rejected you. After which you killed her," Sakura said.
"Well that's how it should have gone. After all it's not like she had a chance to survive that last chance. However because of Goetia's stupid anti-suicide curse she died before I could. Which means I should have returned to the Sea of Souls unless she became a ghost. Then that stupid thief of an archangel Raphael resurrected her, and I don't know how but the connection between us broke. We who were once one existence aren't anymore, but somehow I retained my will and identity," I said. I couldn't help but frown as I explained things.
"Does that bother you?" Sakura asked.
"No. However I failed to break free, but the connection somehow broke as well. Implying I'm not a Shadow Self anymore, and while lesser shadows can obtain wills of their own that is rare. Which when combined with how I gained the ability to act has terrifying implications," I said.
"Explain," Sakura said.
"The war between Order and Chaos isn't the only battle for the fate of humanity. Across the collective unconscious and the Sea of Souls there is another conflict waged by beings that are the embodiments of collective wills. There are a lot of minor factions, but there are two significant forces. Philemon and Nyarlathotep. I'm not sure what Philemon is, but they mostly guide humanity to see if it can reach a higher state. However other than empowering Persona users they don't provide much direct help. After all humanity can't overcome its obstacles if something else does. Meanwhile Nyarlathotep is the collective embodiment of the self destructive aspects of the collective unconscious, and they basically want to make creation self destruct to prove that everyone is a jerk. They failed to influence me, but well their kind of as good at manipulation as your dad," I said.
"That's rather disturbing," Taiga said.
"Agreed. Still how does Nyx fit into this?" Sakura asked.
"Her nature is tricky. Nyx the Maternal Being isn't the same as the demon you know. She's called the mother of Shadows, and her Avatar claims to have bestowed death and darkness upon the world. Most sources on her nature are questionable at best. However what is a known fact is that the desire for death will if it becomes too great cause us Shadows to merge to turn into the Avatar of Nyx that becomes a host for their mind. Which will cause their awakening if not stopped. After which well everything dies," I said, "Which considering that Aoi's from a family of power amplifiers might be part of whatever the Crawling Chaos is planning."
"Astraea, is she serious?" Sakura asked.
"She left out that Nyx's awakening usually occurs because of Erebus the collective death wish being impatient. Anyway was that your warning Child of Nyx?" Luvia, or well probably Astraea said.
"Part of it. The other part is that in addition to being a thief Raphael didn't bother checking to see if anyone was watching. So I heard them say "and so the vessel is emptied. Ready to be filled anew with a greater calling, and remade in pure and noble purpose'," I said.
"Are you telling me this because you think you should, or because you want to?" Sakura asked.
"You humans and demons over complicate things. I should. I want. For us Shadows there is no difference," I said.
"Fine. Still why are you telling me this? Do you expect me to forgive you?" Sakura said. She started glaring as she spoken and she seemed like she might be mad, or perhaps expecting me to say something that would make her mad.
"Nothing like that. A bond broken like she did shouldn't be so easily reforged. Still I'm not sure, but probably spite," I said.
"Spite?" Sakura asked, sounding confused. Yet she also looked kind of happy. I don't get it.
"Well she ignored all my attempts to get her to not do something stupid, and made me feel bad about making her face me. As well as end up worried about the Nyarlathotep situation. She also wouldn't have done this either. Which is mostly Tokiomi's fault. Who also had the idea of getting help from what ended up being a stupid thief of an archangel that stole my shell. Meanwhile because of Goetia I couldn't even kill her like I'm meant to. Can you blame me?" I asked.
"No. That's far more reasonable than Tohsasaka was. Is that all you have to mention?" Sakura asked. I took a moment to consider things.
"Well I wasn't able to check if they exist or not, but Tokiomi might have fathered another half sibiling," I said.
"Luvia, would it be over reacting to revive Tokiomi to kill them again," Sakura asked.
"Probably. Still Rin what do you know of this other sibling of yours?" Luvia asked.
"I was shown an alternate future timeline with one of their descendants. An illegitimate Tohsaka with the same name as me. Yes I know you consider all of them illegitimate. She was well basically a wanted terrorist in a post apocalyptic cyberpunk dystopia. Although her terrorist actions are mostly do to being enemies with a family that in that timeline owns about 60 percent of the world, and who caused Overcount to begin," I said.
"Overcount?" Shirou asked.
"The death of the planet that would eventually lead to the embodiments of the cosmos descending to kill everything that remains on the corpse of the Earth," Luvia said.
"So basically she's one of the good guys," Shirou said.
"Damn why did I have to get stuck with the lame Rin," Sakura said.
"Bad luck I guess. Oh also Luvia did you take a chest made by Zelretch before Sakura burnt things down?" I asked.
"Why?" Luvia asked.
"It has an intelligent mystic code known as Kaliedo Stick Ruby that she tried using as a kid, but then locked back up because it made her a magical girl and she found it too embarrassing to remember," I said.
"Once again why did I have to get stuck with the lame Rin," Sakura said.
"Sorry. Anyway there is other stuff I could mention, but nothing important enough to delay things," I said, "So I guess this is where you kill me."
"Rin, do you want to die?" Sakura asked.
"I'm not sure, but the results seem obvious. It's not like I don't deserve it, and my existence is obviously too much of a risk," I said.
Sakura however shook her head in clear negation.
"I'll admit when I showed up I planned on killing you, but you're not her. You're also actually trying to help instead of giving a worthless apology, and not because you want something from me either. Well except possibly killing the Golden Queen again, but I'm doing that anyway. So thanks for the warning, and I'm willing to give you a chance," Sakura said, "Basically you live. That means no committing suicide by archangel. However we're going to have to do something about your family name."
"Are you sure? I did explain why my existence is dangerous," I said.
"If something tries to use you to end the world I'll just stop them. I'm going to undergo trails to become the Incarnation of Bane in a few days, and even if Aoi's blood gives you the potential to reach the level needed for Nyx to awaken I'll almost certainly be done before that," Sakura said, "How hard could it be?"
"They have an ability that lets them reflect almighty attacks," I said.
"That's just cheating," Sakura said.
Thanks to Cubia from Spacebattles for writing this!