And now we come to the Pam Burkhart arc...
Ooh boy.
Pam herself doesn't have much to do with what I don't like about her run of episodes, except that an arc that you would think would be about Jackie's conflict with her mom devolves into an unfocused mess loosely built around Bob and Pam dating. While I couldn't - and didn't want to fully exorcise that plot point, I did try throughout this run of episodes to refocus the story on Jackie's conflict. And, of course, have Hyde there for her too...
(We assume that, in this timeline, 6-03 to 6-14 play out just as we know them.)
SHOW TITLE
EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY – DAY
A pleasant, cool afternoon. ERIC sits on the back of the Vista Cruiser, watching as HYDE and JACKIE play basketball.
DONNA comes out from the kitchen. Eric hops down, crosses to meet her.
ERIC:
Oh, hey, Donna. Um, about this little celibacy kick we're on - does that cover quickies? 'Cause I could be really quick.
DONNA:
Well, that's why I call you "the Flash."
ERIC:
That's why you call me "the Flash? I thought it was 'cause I was flashy, like an entertainer. Come on, one little one. You can even watch TV.
DONNA:
Eric, we agreed to hold off until the wedding. It's cleansing.
ERIC:
No, Donna, giving up cigarettes is cleansing. Giving up sex is reckless and irresponsible, and I think it might cause cancer.
No dice for Eric; Donna just laughs his pleas off.
BOB comes up the drive, crosses to Jackie.
BOB:
Hey, Jackie. I know since you moved in, we agreed to give each other messages as soon as possible, and in the spirit of that, your mom called last Tuesday.
JACKIE:
What? No, she couldn't call. She's in Mexico. They don't have phones there.
DONNA:
Uh, yeah, they do.
JACKIE:
Why would we give them phones?
(to Bob)
Look, I don't have anything to say to my mom. She ditched me, and that's all I need to know.
ERIC:
Oh, man, that's... that's really sad. It's, like, a mother and daughter divided.
(to Donna)
So, hey, what about some second base action?
BOB:
(to Eric)
What did I tell you about talking about the bases, Flash?
Eric turns to Donna, aghast.
ERIC:
Donna!
DONNA:
(shrugs)
He doesn't know why.
She exits down the driveway.
BOB:
Jackie, you should cut your mom a break. I think she's charming.
JACKIE:
If she calls again, just tell her I don't want to see her.
BOB:
Well, that's too bad, 'cause I just picked her up from the airport.
Up the driveway struts PAM BURKHART, blonde, tanned, and beaming.
PAM:
And here I am.
JACKIE:
Mom!
PAM:
Oh, I love making an entrance.
(to Bob)
Be a dear and go watch my luggage.
BOB:
Really? Thanks.
Giggling, Bob hurries down the drive.
JACKIE:
(to Pam)
What are you doing here?
ERIC:
Who cares?
He pushes past Jackie to shake Pam's hand.
ERIC (cont'd):
Welcome to my driveway, pretty lady. I'm Eric Forman. Remember me? Big fan.
PAM:
Oh, right. My toy poodle Snowball almost killed you when you were six.
ERIC:
I was 13, but, yeah.
A breathless KELSO and FEZ come racing up the driveway to Pam's side.
KELSO:
Mrs. Burkhart! I thought I saw gorgeous, flowing hair on bronze shoulders. And I wasn't near a mirror, so I knew it had to be you.
FEZ:
And I just run where Kelso runs.
PAM:
Well, thank you, Michael. You always did have a discerning eye.
KELSO:
Oh, I've got a lot more body parts going for me than that. Just ask your daughter.
Hyde crosses to frog him in the arm.
KELSO (cont'd):
OW!
(to Pam)
You remember Hyde? He's Jackie's new boyfriend. Just don't mention I did it with her first.
Hyde frogs him again. Kelso cries, pulls Fez between them as a shield.
PAM:
(to Hyde)
Didn't you rob our house?
HYDE:
Well, I was in there a few times at night, but I never took anything.
JACKIE:
Mom, why are you back?
PAM:
It got rainy in Cabo, so I hopped on a plane.
FEZ:
(to Hyde)
I wish I was a plane. Then she could hop on me. And by "hop on me," I mean –
HYDE:
Yeah, yeah, we got it, Fez.
JACKIE:
(to Pam)
Wait, let me guess: "rainy in Cabo" is Spanish for "my rich pilot boyfriend ran out of money."
PAM:
Don't be silly. I don't know any Spanish. Except for gracias and mas tequila. I just missed you.
JACKIE:
Well, I didn't miss you.
She stomps her foot and runs off to the back of the house.
HYDE:
And there's the stomp and cry.
(to the guys)
See you guys tomorrow.
He hurries after Jackie. The rest of the guys move closer to Pam.
KELSO:
Mrs. Burkhart, I know you and Jackie are working through some difficult stuff, but may I just say, nice tan?
ERIC:
Yeah, it really makes everything pop.
FEZ:
Yeah, I'm popping a little right now.
For reasons best known to Pam, she seems charmed by that, even as Eric and Kelso recoil.
MAIN CREDITS
BUMPER
INT. HYDE'S BEDROOM – DAY
Hyde's room isn't quite what Jackie made it in 6-11 ("I Can See For Miles") – the pink and the unicorns are gone – but the twinkle lights, scented candles, floral curtains and furniture, and goose down duvet all remain. Hyde, sans shades, lies in his bed, with Jackie in his arms and her head on his shoulder. Jackie holds SCHATZI in her arms.
JACKIE:
God, I cannot believe my mom. Why did she have to go all the way to Mexico to drink all day? A good mom stays at home and drinks, like Mrs. Forman with her wine. And I'm supposed to believe she came back after all this time for me? The last time I heard from her was a postcard three months ago that just said "good afternoon from Cancun." And it wasn't a good afternoon. It was 8 AM when I got it!
HYDE:
My dad tried to get back in touch with me once. He left a six-pack on my car.
JACKIE:
How did you know it was your dad?
HYDE:
He was passed out on the hood.
JACKIE:
(shakes her head)
You know what the worst part is?
HYDE:
That you feel like you should give her another chance 'cause she's your mom, even though you know she'll probably just screw you over again.
Jackie looks up at his face. He looks down at her, gives her a very small smile. They both know: he's been in her shoes. Jackie moans and buries her face into Hyde's shoulder.
The muffled sounds of a clock chiming catch them both by surprise. Hyde reaches up to the dresser drawer above them, slides it open, and takes out a small, ornate clock. He presents it to Jackie, who takes it.
JACKIE:
This is the clock from the mantle in my dad's old office.
HYDE:
Yeah, I lied before. I took a few things when I was in your house.
He takes the clock back, sets it on the floor, and holds Jackie a little tighter as she cuddles up against him and Schatzi licks her nose.
CUT TO:
INT. PINCIOTTI KITCHEN – DAY
Concurrent with the previous scene. Pam, Bob, and Donna sit around the kitchen table as Pam relates her travels.
PAM:
And then we flew down to Tijuana. I shouldn't speak too much about our time there, but let's just say that Escobar was intimately acquainted with the local bar scene.
She chuckles and looks around the house.
PAM (cont'd):
So, this is where my Jackie has been staying? Well, I can't speak for the rest of the house, but this kitchen is just so... kitschy. (laughs)
(to Bob)
It was so good of you to take her in. I feel just awful about how things went. That was quite the trial.
DONNA:
Yeah. I mean, you being gone and her dad going to prison – Jackie's been through a lot.
PAM:
No, I mean her father's arrest. It was quite the trial. I wasn't there, of course, but my girlfriends in the Ladies of Point Place filled me in. It sounded exhausting.
She sighs and fans herself as Donna and Bob share a look.
BUMPER
INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – DAY
Concurrent with the previous two scenes. Fez and Kelso sit on the couch, perusing a pamphlet in Kelso's hands.
KELSO:
Whoa, check out this new police academy they're sending me to in Waukegan. It's got its own pool. Oh, man, if I'd have known it was gonna be this nice, I'd have burned down the old one a lot sooner.
FEZ:
Kelso, I'm really going to miss you. Who's gonna take my lunch money and tease me and pull down my pants in front of girls?
KELSO:
Hey, say something about Jackie's boobs around Hyde, and he'll do more than that, buddy.
Eric enters from the basement door, his hands full of bottle rockets.
ERIC:
Hey, since Donna cut me off, I took the money that I would have spent on a romantic dinner for two and bought me a gross of bottle rockets. Take that, Pinciotti!
Kelso jumps up and grabs the rockets.
KELSO:
Bottle rockets, all right! Fez, start running.
Fez jumps to his feet, but Eric catches him by the arm before he makes it to the door.
ERIC:
No, wait. I got a better idea.
(to Fez)
We're driving Kelso to the police academy, right? After we drop him off, let's stop at the dairy farm, scare the hell out of some cows. I love cows. They're the one animal I can run faster than.
KELSO:
No, no, let's go before you drop me off. That big spotted one needs an attitude adjustment.
ERIC:
No, man, it's gotta be at night. We've launched so much stuff at those cows during the day, I swear, they recognize the Vista Cruiser.
Kelso drops back down on the couch and pouts.
KELSO:
I can't believe you guys are going without me.
FEZ:
(to Eric)
Those cows will never know what hit them. And even after it hits them, they still won't know, because they're cows.
He gains a faraway look in his eye as Eric takes back the rockets.
BUMPER
INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – DAY
The Formans enjoy a rare moment of quiet. KITTY reads at the kitchen table as RED takes a beer from the fridge.
Kitty flips her magazine down and looks up at Red.
KITTY:
Why don't we ever have tea?
RED:
Well, this sounds like the beginning of a wonderful argument. Like the "stuffing versus mashed potatoes" fight that turned into "why don't I ever take you on vacation."
KITTY:
Why don't you ever take me on vacation?
RED:
Oh, crap.
The patio door slides open, and Donna enters.
DONNA:
Um, have you guys seen Jackie anywhere?
RED:
Well, let's see... my ears aren't bleeding from listening to a four-hour story about a trip to the hair salon. So, no.
KITTY:
Now be nice, Red. Jackie's mom finally came home from her cultural tour of Mexico's many fine bars and cantinas.
(laughs)
DONNA:
Yeah, Jackie's really upset. Her mom tried to talk to her earlier and she just stormed off.
KITTY:
Well, that's no good. Those two need to sit down and work this out.
(taps the table)
They can do it here - with tea. We'll have tea!
RED:
No! Why does this always happen here? We're in a recession. There are vacant lots all over the place.
KITTY:
Well, you can go stand in a vacant lot. We're having a tea party. With crumpets! I'll find out what they are, and we will have them.
CUT TO:
INT. KELSO'S BEDROOM – EVENING
Later in the day. Kelso lies on his bed, reading a Spider-Man comic book. Eric and Fez enter. They look around and notice a distinct lack of packed bags.
ERIC:
Kelso, you're not packed? You've only got one more day before you leave for the police academy.
FEZ:
Don't forget to pack gasoline and matches so you can burn that one down too.
He and Eric laugh. Kelso frowns, flips around to sit against his pillow.
KELSO:
I don't need gasoline to burn stuff down. All I need is these two hands and a lack of adult supervision. Anyway, I'm not going. I decided I didn't want to be a cop.
ERIC:
But, Kelso, I thought you wanted to impress the mother of your child and give your life a purpose... and pull over girls for speeding while foxy.
KELSO:
No, I got my reasons. I mean, I don't want to leave when things are going so good for me and Brooke. Plus, blue isn't a very good color for me.
FEZ:
What, are you crazy? You take blue to a whole new level.
Kelso shrugs, bends down to pull on his shoes.
KELSO:
All right, let's go blast some cows.
ERIC:
Whoa. All you talk about is being a cop. You haven't focused on anything this hard since you thought you heard your name on Led Zeppelin II.
KELSO:
It's in there. In "Whole Lotta Love," he clearly sings "Kelso lotta love."
FEZ:
Kelso, we're not gonna let you throw your life away.
ERIC:
Yeah, man. We're gonna make sure you become a cop. Now, I'll have the car ready tomorrow, bright and early.
(to Fez)
You help him pack.
He starts for the door.
KELSO:
Why aren't you helping?
ERIC:
My mom's having a tea party.
Fez and Kelso start to laugh. Eric smiles, nods.
ERIC (cont'd):
Yeah. Pam'll be there.
He waves an airy salute and strolls out of the room as the smiles fall from Fez and Kelso's faces.
BUMPER
INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM – EVENING
The tea party is impending. Red sits in the middle of the couch, frowning, while Donna sits at the piano.
Kitty enters from the kitchen with an elaborate tea tray set and puts it down in front of Red on the coffee table.
KITTY:
Okay, here, Red, try this tea. It'll make you feel British.
(doing English accent)
"Mum's the word, guvnor."
(laughs)
RED:
Kitty, this is America. We bomb countries that drink tea.
KITTY:
Well, that's because coffee keeps us awake all night, and we wake up in such a bad mood, we have to bomb someone.
Jackie and Hyde enter from the kitchen. Between the tea set and everyone's attention snapping their way, it's not hard to realize something's up.
HYDE:
What's going on?
Jackie's eyes fall on the tea tray.
JACKIE:
(gasps)
Are you throwing me a tea party?
KITTY:
Sort of.
(laughs)
We have Earl Gray, and Chamomile, and your mother's coming over, and English Breakfast.
JACKIE:
What?
DONNA:
Yeah, Jackie. My dad's bringing her over any minute.
Jackie glares at Donna and Kitty. Without looking away from them, she throws her hand back behind her. Hyde takes it, and she lets him lead her to the door. Kitty hurries to block their way.
KITTY:
No, no, no. Jackie, you need to sit down with your mom and talk about what happened.
JACKIE:
Mrs. Forman, I can't even look my mom in the eye. I mean, I never thought I'd say this, but there comes a point when a person is too tan.
She and Hyde try to get around Kitty, but she moves to block them again.
KITTY:
No, Jackie –
The doorbell rings.
KITTY (cont'd):
(to Jackie)
Ooh, I bet that's your mom now.
(to Red)
Red, get the door.
(to Jackie)
Just – just try the tea.
Jackie gives up and Hyde follows her lead; they let Kitty herd them over to the couch as Red gets up and crosses to Donna.
RED:
How did my house become the one all these things happen in? This should be at your house. Bob likes company.
He doesn't wait for an answer but goes to the door. In step Bob and Pam.
PAM:
Hi, Red. I'm Pam Burkhart. I believe you knew my husband.
RED:
Well, if by "knew" you mean "got screwed over by him and his crooked city council," then yes.
He steps aside, lets Pam and Bob in. Jackie and Hyde stand, as if to leave, but Kitty moves between them and the way to the kitchen door.
PAM:
(to Kitty)
You made tea. Oh, I love tea.
BOB:
So do I.
RED:
Of course you do, Bob.
PAM:
(to Jackie)
Hi, honey.
JACKIE:
Hi. And by "hi," I mean "not hi," because I'm not talking to you, even though I'm talking now. So, I'm just gonna stop talking, starting now. Oh! Dang it. Starting now. And now. Shoot! Starting –
HYDE:
Yeah, yeah, they got it, Jaq.
He helps her sit back down on the couch. Pam sits on the other side of her.
PAM:
This is awkward.
(beat)
Why don't I tell a story about something charming I did in Mexico?
Eric rushes in from upstairs, rounds the coffee table, and throws himself into Red's chair.
ERIC:
(breathless)
I'd love to hear it.
PAM:
There was this woman on a beach in Cozumel, and normally, I wouldn't talk to someone who had such bad skin, but she was selling the cutest hair clips...
(takes them from her purse)
So, here.
She hands the bag of hair clips to Jackie.
JACKIE:
You know, I'd tell you that this doesn't fix anything, but I'm not talking to you. Oh, shoot! Starting now!
She throws the bag across the room. Donna catches the bag and looks it over.
DONNA:
Damn, these are cute.
PAM:
Look, Jackie, when your father got into trouble, I panicked. But that doesn't mean I stopped caring about you. I know that you've got hostile feelings towards me, but I'm your mother, and I love you. And I promise I'll never leave you again.
BOB:
I believe her.
ERIC:
Me, too.
Kitty, Red, and Hyde all roll their eyes.
JACKIE:
Mom, a good time to tell me you loved me was the day Daddy went to prison, not two months later on a postcard from La Cantina Cucaracha in Guadalajara.
She stands and storms past Kitty into the kitchen. Immediately, she sticks her head back into the living room.
JACKIE (cont'd):
Starting now!
And with that, she leaves for good.
Hyde also stands, crosses to Kitty.
HYDE:
Mrs. Forman, I hate saying this, 'cause you usually know what to do, but stop helping with our parents!
He follows Jackie into the kitchen.
Donna holds up the bag of hair clips.
DONNA:
Mrs. Burkhart, if Jackie seriously doesn't want these, can I have them?
FADE TO BLACK
COMMERCIAL
BUMPER
INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM – EVENING
The aftermath of the tea party. Kitty packs up her tea tray as Red stands by, looking more than a little smug. Donna sits on the couch, examining her new hair clips.
RED:
Well, whaddya know? A sissy, pansy-ass tea party just couldn't bring Jackie and her ditzy lush of a mother together. If only we knew someone who could see that these things never work out. Well, I guess that's just another crazy dream.
KITTY:
All right, mister.
(pushes tea tray into his hands)
Just for that, you can put all this away.
Red rolls his eyes but does as he's told, exits into the kitchen with the tray. Kitty drops down onto the couch next to Donna.
KITTY (cont'd):
Oh, maybe he's right. Maybe we should leave this between Jackie and her mom.
DONNA:
No, Mrs. Forman, if Jackie won't even listen to her mom, we need to help them patch things up. Moms and daughters should get along, even if one of them's a little ditzy or a little... Tequila-y.
Kitty smiles. She knows why this matters to Donna.
KITTY:
Have you heard from Midge since you came back from California?
DONNA:
A few times. Not a lot.
Kitty pats Donna's knee.
KITTY:
Well, you're eighteen now, so what do you say you join me at the home bar for a nice Manhattan?
She laughs, leads Donna over to the drinks.
CUT TO:
INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – EVENING
Concurrent with the previous scene from Red's exit.
Red sets the tea tray down on the island. Jackie and Hyde come up from the basement, Hyde carrying Schatzi.
JACKIE:
Oh, Mr. Forman, I don't know what to do!
She rushes over and hugs him around the chest. Red throws his hands up, glares at Hyde.
RED:
This again? Why the hell aren't you handling this? You're right there!
Hyde can only shrug in reply as Jackie refuses to let Red go.
BUMPER
INT. KELSO'S BEDROOM – DAY
The next morning. The sheets are pulled up all the way to the headboard over the mass in the bed.
Eric, knocking even as he opens the door, strolls in with Fez behind.
ERIC:
(to Kelso)
Hey, come on, buddy. Time to go to cop school.
He pulls the sheets back and finds Kelso's pillows lined up as a decoy.
ERIC (cont'd):
I don't believe this.
FEZ:
I know. King-size pillows on a twin-size bed? Why didn't I think of that?
ERIC:
Man, he just split on us.
Their eyes are drawn to the closet as a rustling and banging sound leaks out from behind the door.
KELSO (v.o.):
Ow!
Eric and Fez share a look.
ERIC:
(flat)
Yeah, he's definitely gone. I guess we'll just leave then.
In lockstep, he and Fez stomp their feet in place. Fez shuts the door, hard enough for the CLICK to clearly register.
The closet door opens and out steps Kelso. He finds Eric and Fez waiting for him, arms crossed.
KELSO:
Oh, that's not fair. You guys made leaving sounds.
ERIC:
Kelso, enough kidding around. We've got all your bags packed. Let's go.
Kelso makes a show of heaving a sigh. Dragging his feet, he follows Eric and Fez until they reach...
INT. KELSO HALLWAY – DAY
... Where he promptly runs turns around and runs down the opposite end of the hall.
CUT TO:
INT. DONNA'S BEDROOM – DAY
The girls are both out. The room is seemingly empty until Eric and Fez enter. They immediately move to the closet and throw it open, where they find Kelso crouched down on the floor.
KELSO:
That's not fair either. You didn't even look anywhere else.
Eric notices that Kelso's hands are closed around something.
ERIC:
Kelso, is that Donna's underwear?
Kelso doesn't meet Eric's eyes. He tosses the panties at Eric, springs out past him and Fez, and shoots out of the room.
CUT TO:
INT. HYDE'S BEDROOM – DAY
Hyde and Jackie are cuddling together on the bed, with Schatzi seated on the edge. They seem ready to doze off when a rustling sound comes from behind the curtain. Jackie and Hyde look over towards it.
JACKIE:
Fez?
KELSO (v.o.):
(doing Fez)
"Yes. This is Fez. Don't mind me. I am just here doing 'Fez' things."
Hyde and Jackie share a look.
CUT TO:
EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY – DAY
Eric and Fez lean against the Vista Cruiser. Eric has Donna's panties in his hands.
ERIC:
Damn. Getting these back from Kelso is the closest thing to action I've had since that marriage counseling session. I can't believe how seriously Donna's taking this celibacy thing. Fez, how do you cope with not getting any?
FEZ:
I think you know how I cope. When you don't see me, I'm coping.
Hyde comes around from the back of the house, dragging a sputtering, gasping Kelso by his collar.
HYDE:
(to Eric)
Hey. You missing one brain-dead cop-in-training?
He throws Kelso out in front of him. Kelso staggers, spins around, gets upright.
KELSO:
(to Hyde)
A simple "get out of my room, please" would have worked just as well.
ERIC:
(to Kelso)
Okay, just get in the car.
KELSO:
You know, you guys can take me to the academy, but as soon as you leave, I'm gone.
ERIC:
All right, Kelso, that's it. I haven't had sex in weeks. Fez is in a drought not seen since the Great Dust Bowl. We are tightly wound. So you'd better tell us what your real problem is, or we're gonna freakin' throttle you!
FEZ:
(to Kelso)
I will tear you apart like a lion.
KELSO:
Okay, look, I don't want to tell you guys, because I'm afraid you're gonna make fun of me.
HYDE:
Oh, Kelso - of course we're gonna make fun of you.
KELSO:
All right, fine. You know what? It's like I'm going to a new school, okay? And I'm worried that I'm not gonna be able to make friends. First off, I'm so much better looking than everyone else. The only reason you guys are friends with me is 'cause you met me before I blossomed.
HYDE:
Man, you should be worried about something that could actually happen, like handcuffing yourself to a horse.
ERIC:
Look, Kelso, here's the thing - you've stolen my stuff, and you've burned my stuff... you've even groped my stuff. But I still hang out with you because you are a great guy. Come on - you're Michael Kelso, right? You're bulletproof.
Kelso lets the words sink in. Slowly, he smiles and nods.
KELSO:
Dammit, you're right. I am bulletproof. All right - let's get going!
ERIC:
All right!
He, Kelso, and Fez move to pile into the Vista Cruiser as Hyde heads back inside.
Eric takes Kelso by the arm and pulls him aside.
ERIC:
Hey, by the way – um, you're not actually bulletproof.
He claps Kelso on the shoulder and lets him think about that as he gets behind the wheel.
BUMPER
INT. PINCIOTTI KITCHEN – DAY
Later that afternoon. Donna, Jackie, and Hyde all sit around the kitchen table. Jackie is holding on tight to Hyde's hand with both of hers.
DONNA:
Jackie, just go see your mom.
JACKIE:
Why should I? She's only here 'til she finds a new meal ticket.
DONNA:
Jackie, she chose you over golden sunsets, frozen margaritas... man, why aren't we down there?
JACKIE:
Donna, you don't get her, because you'll never understand the intoxicating quality of getting anything you want with your looks.
She lets go of Hyde, stands, and exits out into the yard.
DONNA:
(to Hyde)
Okay, that girl does not know how to accept help. "You're not pretty enough to understand, Donna." "I'm too cool to live with you, Donna." "You must be colorblind if you think that's a good outfit, Donna." You try acting that way when my uncle Carmine offers to do you a favor, see what happens.
HYDE:
Man, none of you are helping.
He stands, crosses to the island. Donna follows.
DONNA:
What do you mean?
HYDE:
You all keep trying to make Jackie sit down and work things out with her mom, all Partridge Family, when you don't even get what she's going through.
DONNA:
Of course I get it. Her mom left. It happened to me, too.
HYDE:
Donna, your mom told you she was leaving, and she knew you still had your dad. Jackie found out her mom wasn't coming back two months after her dad went to prison from a postcard sent from a nudie beach in Acapulco.
DONNA:
Okay, well... why would she come back to the town her daughter's living in if all she wants is a meal ticket?
HYDE:
When my parents came back into town, I was the meal ticket.
DONNA:
Fine, whatever! Look, Jackie's mother is a lovely woman. I still say she came back to be with her daughter, not to find some lonely rich guy.
The kitchen door swings open. Bob and Pam lean inside.
BOB:
Donna, Pam and I are gonna catch a movie.
PAM:
It's my first American date in months!
Giggling, they lean back out.
DONNA:
(to Hyde)
Jackie's mother is a gold-digging tramp!
Hyde frowns at her as Donna slams a palm down on the island.
CUT TO:
EXT. POLICE ACADEMY – NIGHT
The police academy of Waukegan, a stately training facility for Wisconsin's finest. The courtyard is filled with cadets and officers.
The Vista Cruiser is pulled just outside the main entrance. Fez and Eric sit on the back as Kelso shakes their hands one at a time.
KELSO:
Okay, I'm all set. So, here I go.
ERIC:
Kelso, you're gonna do great. But, hey, just in case, I packed some extra cookies in your lunch to help you make friends.
He hands him a paper lunch bag.
FEZ:
Oh, um... I ate the cookies. Try to find a friend who likes carrots.
KELSO:
Okay. Well... guess this is it. Hey, give those cows hell, boys.
Slowly, he makes his way into the academy. Every few steps, he stops and looks over his shoulder, but he presses on.
Just as he's about to reach the center of the courtyard, Eric hops off the back of the Vista Cruiser and starts waving.
ERIC:
Hey, Kelso, I love you!
The other cops all turn to stare. Kelso shrinks under their gaze.
KELSO:
(to Eric)
Shut up!
ERIC:
Oh, come on, Kelso, you know I love you!
KELSO:
Eric, quit it!
FEZ:
(with passion)
I love you the most!
Eric and Kelso both stare at Fez.
ERIC:
I was just kidding.
FEZ:
(beat)
So was I. So was I.
He retreats inside the Vista Cruiser.
FADE TO BLACK
CREDITS
INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – NIGHT
After the drive back. Hyde sits in his chair, Eric sits on the top of the couch, and Fez sits in the couch properly on the other end. He and Hyde have a few bottle rockets in hand each, while Eric holds the greater bundle.
HYDE:
So, no cows out in the field?
ERIC:
None. Man, what are we gonna do with all these bottle rockets?
He and Hyde both slowly turn toward Fez. He sighs and grabs the stupid helmet.
FEZ:
Fine, I'll be the cow. But this time, count all the way to ten.
ERIC:
You got it, buddy.
Fez jumps up and races out the basement door.
ERIC:
One...
HYDE:
Ten.
They jump up and hurry after Fez.
END.