Chapter Thirty-One: Cataalda Base: Mother

Ben stared at himself in the mirror in the fresher. His hair was pulled back, only a few curled strands framing his face. His scruff of beard had grown fairly thick, but he'd trimmed it to be neat. He had gotten attached to it. He felt it made him look older. Less like Kylo Ren.

He was glad he'd been able to get other clothes on Tatooine, especially pants to replace the Blood Stripes. He wasn't sure he wanted to go in dressed like a Corellian smuggler. It seemed wrong. Like he was mocking. That was the last thing he wanted to do.

"Ben?" There was a rap on the door. "Ben, open up."

Ben reached back and released the lock on the door, but he did not look away from the mirror. He could see Kaila standing in the doorway. "Ben, we've been landed for an hour. Everyone is off the ship already."

"Maybe I should just stay here," Ben replied. "The ship has everything I need."

"We're staying here for a while." Kaila reached in and placed a hand on his shoulder. "At least a few days. You can't just stay in here. Besides, it's not good to be on a ship for longer than a month. You'll get stir-crazy."

"It's only been three weeks since we were on Tatooine," Ben pointed out.

"We were running from a revenge-mad bounty hunter. It doesn't count." Gently, she compelled him to turn around. "You knew this was going to happen eventually. Better to just get it over with quickly. You'll feel better."

"What if..."

"There's no point in wondering what if," Kaila snapped, cutting him off. "You'll find out in a few minutes. Just get it over with. You don't need to be afraid."

Ben closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He reached to the side of the sonic sink and picked up his new lightsaber. Kaila's hand moved down and grabbed his wrist. "Where did that come from?"

"I built it," Ben replied, his voice a little meek. "I couldn't stay unarmed."

"Turn it on," Kaila said warily.

Ben glowered. "You're going to have to release my wrist so I don't send the blade through you."

Kaila released him. Ben held up the lightsaber and turned it on, revealing the violet blade.

"When... How did you..." Kaila shook her head in amazement. "Ben, you purified your kyber. This is amazing."

Ben turned off the lightsaber. "It just happened," he lied. He didn't want to tell Kaila about how it happened. It was too intimate. It was something between him and Rey. "I've been meditating on it and... It just happened."

"Ben, I'm so proud of you." Kaila wrapped her arms around him, hugging him tightly. "Now come on... She's waiting for you."

The walk from the Ghost to the her private quarters seemed to take forever. Ben could feel the eyes of the rebels on him as he went. How much did they know about him? Were they wondering who he was? Or did they just loathe him for the audacity to walk into the base?

He felt his breath catch when he set eyes on her. She looked so much older. Her hair was now streaked grey, twisted up in an Alderaanian mourning braid. He knew that was his fault. Everything he had done had brought her to this.

Ben didn't know what to say to her. He just stood in front of her, unable to move. His mother looked at him with sad, brown eyes. "You changed your hair," her voice was so very tired.

Ben nodded, rubbing his hand over his scruffy chin and then his ponytail. "I thought it looked good."

Kaila touched Ben's arm comfortingly. "I'm going to go find out where my sleeping assignment is."

Leia nodded. "Commander Dameron is to the left, five doors down."

Kaila nodded, giving Ben's arm one last squeeze. He heard her footsteps, but did not look away from his mother.

Leia rose from her seat finally and came to stand in front of Ben. He absolutely towered over her. Yet somehow her presence was so large... She was every bit the regal, beautiful princess, senator and warrior he remembered from his youth. The feelings were threatening to overwhelm him. He didn't know if he could handle it. It felt like he might pass out.

Ben fell to his knees and wrapped his arms around his mother's midsection. He buried his face in her belly, squeezing his eyes tightly shut. He let out a small, choked sob. "I'm sorry... I'm sorry..."

He felt a tender hand on his hair, stroking over it. Ben stiffened slightly, not wanting the comfort from his mother. He didn't deserve it. All of the things he'd done to her. What he'd done to his father... What he'd done to Luke...

His mother's hands were still gentle as she pulled him away from her, tilting his chin up to look at her. She shook her head. "I'm still furious at you," she whispered, although her voice did not sound angry. "Ben... How could you..."

"I know." Ben tried to choke back his tears. "I don't expect you to forgive me..."

"What you've done-" his mother's voice shook slightly. "-leaving the First Order. Rescuing Kaila and those younglings. Giving us codes to strike against the First Order... After what happened to your father, I'd lost hope. But I have it back now. You have a long way to go, Ben... But I believe you can get there."

Ben hesitantly rose to his feet. He smiled sadly down at his mother. "I don't want to let you down anymore."

Leia cupped his face. "Then don't."

Ben closed his eyes at her touch. It was his mother. After so long. "I'm going to spend the rest of my life trying to make this up to you."

She had things to do. She needed to remember that. There were so many emotions going through Leia. But she was heading a Rebellion. She needed to keep a level head.

It was in these moments that she missed her mentor, Mon Mothma. She had always been able to deal with such things with aplomb. Then, she supposed Mon had never been confronted with her patricidal son attempting redemption.

As much as she would've liked to have dedicated herself fully to that, she knew she couldn't. There were so many things that had come up. There were six abused younglings who needed to be taken care of, something that would take incredible tact. There was also the issue of the codes Ben had brought to them. The longer they sat on them, the more likely the First Order would find and deactivate them.

Leia sipped her caf as she watched the holo Poe had brought to her. She had not been expecting something like this when she'd sent them to Coruscant. Mostly, she had just wanted to retrieve Lando. She needed more high ranking officers after the heavy losses on the Raddus . She turned off the recording. "So Lieutenant Finn believes that we should be negotiating with these stormtroopers?"

"Pretty insistent on it," Poe replied. "We don't know how many troopers are on the ship, but it must be enough to at least operate it. They're highly trained soldiers, something we're really low on. And a Star Destroyer..."

"Any ship helps." Leia nodded. "And Wraith Squadron?"

"Kaila-" Poe paused. "I mean Captain Syndulla had a Force Vision while we were on the Ghost. She didn't tell me all of the details, but she did tell me that she felt Master Bridger."

"Ezra?" Leia sat up a bit straighter. She thought about the boy she had met so very long ago on Lothal. The man who drove her brother up the wall, but in the end had meant so much to him. "What about him?"

"She sensed that he was in pain. Tremendous pain. Someone was torturing him." Poe shook his head. "I don't know anything other than that. But she wants to mount a rescue operation. We've been considering trying to retrieve Wraith Squadron. Now might be the time to do that."

Leia set down her mug, staring into the dark brown liquid. "I've been thinking about this for months. Ten ships went out with Wraith Squadron. Just how many ships would I have to send out to save them? Where am I supposed to send them? Captain Syndulla also has so little information. Luke had a vision of Han and I being tortured once. It was a trap for him. It led to him losing his hand and nearly being killed. For all we know, Captain Syndulla's vision could be the same."

Poe groaned and covered his face with his hands. "She's not going to be happy to hear that."

"Captain Syndulla will have to get used to it," Leia replied. She eyed Poe carefully. "We only have so many resources and we have to weigh the risk versus the reward."

"I understand." Still, Poe sounded utterly pained. "But if I have to explain it to her... General..."

Leia arched an eyebrow. "And you need to learn if you're going to be engaged to a headstrong Jedi that there are going to be some nights you end up sleeping in your X-Wing if you piss her off. Congratulation, by the way. The ring looks good on her."

Poe ducked his head down, looking bashful. "We're not actually..."

"Whatever you have going on, you're going to get in arguments. And this isn't personal." Leia sighed. "I don't want to leave Wraith Squadron out on their own. But they knew the risks. This was their choice. General Syndulla brought the mission to me. Captain Syndulla is trained in combat, but she's not a soldier yet. She's approaching this from a personal perspective rather than a strategic one. If it were anyone else bringing you this plan... If it weren't your girlfriend... What would you say, Commander?"

Poe looked down, letting out a loud sigh. "I'd say we don't have enough intel to be able to gauge the situation. That Wraith Squadron has not given us any reason to believe they've gone off mission. That Master Bridger being in pain could have come from any number of things and even if he is personally in danger, that doesn't mean the rest of the Squadron is and that casualties are to be expected with this type of ops."

"And the Silencer? If it wasn't your best friend bringing it to you?"

Again, Poe sighed. "This is one time where Kaila is right. The Silencer has given us every indication that they'll attack us rather than negotiate with us. Betraying the First Order has made them a target, which they will retaliate against. It's more strategically advantageous to us to use them as a buffer between us and the First Order than to pursue an alliance with them right now." He shook his head. "You just don't want anyone to like me, do you, General?"

"It's the price of leadership, Poe. I'm not saying we won't pursue those avenues... But right now, the codes Ben gave us are time sensitive. The best use of our resources is to attack some of the First Order's installations while their leadership is still in a disarray. They vastly outpower us. If there's anything we can do to level the playing field, we have to do it."

Leia could see the conflict clear on Poe's face. It wasn't easy making these sorts of decisions, but she needed him to understand. She had come so close to dying in the attack on the Raddus. If something were to happen to her, she wanted to know the Rebellion was in good hands. "If you wish, I can speak to Captain Syndulla and Lieutenant Finn."

Poe shook his head. "No. I'll do it. No matter what, they're going to be mad at me. Might as well get it over with."