Warnings for this chapter: angst like whoa, discussions of emotional manipulation and abuse, much clearer discussions about body autonomy and lack of consent, and attempted murder-suicide.
Inuyasha was gasping for breath, staring into the rushing black waters of the river before him. There was no trace of Kikyo, just the faintest scent in the air. It pulled him forward, stirred a desperate hope deep inside him. A stronger scent, a flash of white, and he pounced on a ribbon that lay at the water's edge. A hair band. Kikyo's beautiful scent washed over him, painfully familiar. He held it with careful fingers. It wasn't much, but it was proof that she had been there. That the woman he loved was still alive. He could barely believe it.
Her hatred, her fear, everything from that cliff face flooded through his mind once more. The feel of her hand slipping from his…the scream…his hand reaching out but finding nothing… He had to find her. Nothing else mattered.
Miroku moved cautiously and quietly. From this distance he could see her breathing, and the slightest pull on his mind drove him forward. A thin white tendril connected them still, a remnant of their spirits merging. She looked pale and thin, her eyes sunken into her head and her cheeks hollow. Her sadness seeped into him, feeling real but not his own. It tugged him toward her, and he felt the moment that she recognized his presence. Her eyes opened and glared coolly at him.
"I see you've found me, monk."
He held her gaze steadily. "I see you're still alive."
Her eyes narrowed but she didn't move. He could feel her challenging him through their connection, some internal play for dominance that he didn't truly understand. Emotions washed over him that he knew were not his own, but even then they were restricted and wrong, strangled before they gained life. She was aware of their connection, he realized. She was aware and she didn't like it.
"Are you the one who's been luring the souls of women away?" He had to ask. He suspected he'd feel the answer. Sure enough, guilt-tinged anger passed through them both. "They don't belong to you, Kikyo. You have to know that. They need to be set free."
"Is he not here with you?" she asked instead, calm and cold and controlled.
"I came on my own," Miroku answered evenly. "But he's looking for you. He wants to find you."
Her eyes flashed. "What are you to him?"
Miroku stood tall, hardening his gaze. "I'm his friend, and I'll protect him if I must."
Kikyo chuckled faintly and reached out. The tendril between them flashed and enveloped Miroku's body. He tried to reach out- step back- he didn't know, but nothing happened. He was paralyzed, trapped in his own body. What had she done? He tried to reach out to Inuyasha, to bring him there with the nenju beads, but even that action seemed blocked.
"This will end your interfering," she murmured, softly, almost sweetly.
A soft whistling sound caught his ear and Inuyasha glanced up to see one of the soul-carrying demons. It flew through the air like another white ribbon, coiling and flowing almost gracefully. He set chase. Kikyo had to be nearby! She was alive! He ran after them, senses straining to catch her scent, a sound- anything!
The demons wound their way around Miroku, dragging and turning him until he was bound to the tree on which Kikyo rested. She slipped down from the branches and moved to survey her handiwork. He was still standing, held aloft by the length of several serpentine demons coiling around his chest and waist. An image of Inuyasha flashed unbidden in his mind, in a similar position, bound to a tree. He wasn't sure from which of them the memory came. He wondered faintly if he looked similar to how Inuyasha had been imprisoned. Apparently Kikyo had a pattern.
Miroku watched as a demon slipped down to Kikyo, dropping a soul in her hands. A human soul, Miroku had to remind himself. A soul that would not reach eternal peace, but would instead be trapped, used, and corrupted by Kikyo's vengeful spirit. He could feel the emptiness within her, the void that her soul should fill on its own. He remembered the first soul she fully consumed, Urasue's weakened and desperate spirit. He wondered if the demonic soul had impacted her at all. Young dead maidens were certainly more appropriate, he supposed.
She stiffened, frowned. Fresh emotions shifted inside of her. "Inuyasha has come," she murmured, more to herself than to him. She held the soul in her hands before holding it close to her chest. It slowly dissolved into her and they both felt a little more whole. Her eyes snapped to his.
"I fear he has not come to save you. His purpose lies in seeing me."
Confusion shifted to exasperation, and Miroku almost huffed. Well, of course Inuyasha was coming to see Kikyo! She was the woman he loved!
"You will not interfere," she continued, something sinister darkening her voice.
"Interfere?" Miroku asked, straining against his demon bonds. "You don't still want to kill him?! Kikyo, he loves you, and he always has!" Hurt, anger, and betrayal rolled off her, a closing of the bond as she rejected his words. "Someone deceived you and pitted you against each other. It wasn't Inuyasha who killed you. Kikyo, please!"
He felt the realization hit her. A subtle shift. "From your countenance I gather you expect me to be rejoicing." Her words were full of scorn. "Someone caused my premature demise. Will my murderer's death bring me back to life?"
He felt the anger still burning within her, felt it warring with pain and resentment and love. So why did Kikyo look jealous?
"No, it won't," he admitted earnestly. "But killing Inuyasha won't accomplish anything, either."
"The dead only wish to walk amongst the living once more, a wish that will never be realized. However, this dead woman can wish for one thing." She smiled, almost maliciously, and it looked so wrong painted across her lovely face. "I wish for a heart – the heart of the man who I shall never allow to forget me. That is my desire."
Despite her eyes burning into Miroku's, he knew instantly who she meant. "Kikyo, don't do this…" he warned, pleaded.
"It is clear that Inuyasha wishes for my death." How could she say those words with such a chilling smile? "That is a good thing, because it means he feels remorse for our dispute. Let him feel remorseful. I shall never allow him to forget about me. I can live on inside his heart."
Miroku ground his teeth. He knew that he couldn't reason with Kikyo as though she were alive. Vengeful spirits operated under different rules – but was she truly of the dead? She had already changed her mind from killing Inuyasha to entrapping him. Surely, there must be some way to make her listen.
"You're always on Inuyasha's mind," he said. "Not a day goes by that he doesn't think of you, miss you, and love you! You will always be in his mind and in his heart. That has to be enough."
She surveyed him coolly, unconvinced. "As we parted, we despised each other. The love you speak of is but a shallow emotion, an echo that reflects into hatred. Bitterness strengthens the resolve for vengeance. If he must love, let him love my consuming resentment. As I must love, I will love his heart, when it falls into despair."
And suddenly Miroku saw what she truly wanted. She was indeed a vengeful spirit, but more complicated than the ones he had dealt with before. The thing driving her hadn't changed, only her methods had. Behind both her murderous revenge and her desperate attempt to reclaim Inuyasha was a deep-seated fear of being lost to the world. Indifference was what she feared most, and she would rather have hatred and fear than lose all control over Inuyasha.
"No, Kikyo!" he pleaded. "He doesn't deserve your hatred! What you're describing isn't healthy. It-"
He cut himself off, distracted by the figure who had run into the clearing. Inuyasha stood frozen, and Miroku could see the conflicting emotions on his eyes. Relief, love, and sheer happiness twisted with fear and disbelief. He looked so utterly lost. Miroku hated to come between them, but Inuyasha had to know what Kikyo planned to do. Maybe he could make her listen.
"Inuyasha, you have to talk to her," Miroku called to him, quiet but a little desperate. "Please, tell her what happened. Tell her about Naraku."
Inuyasha couldn't believe it. She was really there – after having lost her not once, but twice! He walked towards her haltingly, like a man possessed, still not believing his eyes.
As he walked right past Miroku without even looking at him the monk's stomach dropped. He would let Inuyasha have his moment, but he feared that the hanyou wouldn't be able to face this threat alone.
"Kikyo…" A whispered prayer. Inuyasha saw the hurt in her eyes, the way she drew away from him. It tore him apart more than any demon ever could. "It was you – the souls of the dead women."
She looked defensive, resentful. Her voice, when she spoke, was flat. "This body is molded from earth and ashes. I must be sustained by human souls if I am to remain here." Something flashed across her face, and her voice held some unknown emotion. "Inuyasha, you must despise me. I have stolen souls to fuel my hatred of you."
Inuyasha shook his head instinctively, discarding her words. She was trying to provoke him into something, but he didn't know what. All he knew was he could never blame her for being forced into this situation. He could never hate her. "That's just ludicrous! You may well despise me, but the feeling's not mutual!" He took a step toward her, tears stinging in his eyes. "Kikyo, I never stopped loving you, not even for an instant!"
Miroku felt the love swell inside Kikyo, saw for a moment her spirit clear. He desperately hoped that it would be enough.
"I could never hate you or think less of you," Inuyasha pressed on, guided by the emotion he saw in her eyes. "It's your spirit I care for, not your appearance!"
Oo. Skipping right past the part where Inuyasha indirectly called her ugly, Miroku knew that it wouldn't be enough. The remnants of love weren't as strong as bitter resentment or burning rage, not enough to satisfy Kikyo's need for any form of connection. He was about to call out again, to tell Inuyasha what was really going on, when Kikyo cut him off.
"Truly, Inuyasha? You wouldn't?" she asked, reaching out to him. Her hand brushed his cheek, cold and frail. "You wouldn't despise me if I used these hands to steal the life from you?"
Miroku's eyes widened. Well, that decided it. "Inuyasha, look out! She wants to trap you here with her! She wants to steal your heart!"
Not even an ear twitched at the words, and Miroku's heart clenched. Inuyasha couldn't see him! Couldn't hear him! Kikyo moved forward, her hand coming to rest against Inuyasha's chest. She pressed their lips together gently, and Miroku could see the confusion in Inuyasha's eyes. He pleaded for him to figure it out. Kikyo pulled away and Inuyasha looked lost. She curled her arms around him and pressed herself to his chest with a cry of "Inuyasha!"
He didn't know what to do. Part of him was screaming at him to get a grip, to just hold her and never let go, like he was supposed to! She was the love of his life and she was back again. She was professing her love and he had another chance to be with her! So why the hell was he hesitating? Why was he just standing there uselessly, his arms hanging by his sides? What was wrong with him?
"After meeting you, I renounced my position as a priestess and became an ordinary woman." She tightened her grip, and he could feel her shaking. "I longed to embrace you like this when I was alive."
Haltingly, he closed his arms around her. He buried his nose in her hair, breathing in her beautiful scent in deep, shuddering breaths. But she felt so frail, so cold, and he didn't know what to do! He couldn't understand how she could love him now, when their last meeting was so full of anger and hate.
Miroku saw the way Inuyasha was trembling, knew that this would tear him apart. "Inuyasha, look inside her! I know you love her, but really look at her!"
He held Kikyo close, feeling her presence. Her scent was so achingly familiar, washing away the years between them. But she was cold like death, and even in his embrace he could feel her sadness, her lonely spirit. He ached to make it all okay, to transfer his own life into her if it would just make her better, if it would fix the pervasive wrongness seeping into him.
"Please," she whispered against his heart. "Allow me to embrace you a little longer."
The next words tore into Miroku's soul. "I can't save you. I can't do anything to help you, except stay like this. If only time could stand still!"
Inuyasha's broken words pierced through him, but they also gripped his heart. That was what she wanted No, Inuyasha! Miroku struggled against his bonds, trying to get at least his hand free. Inuyasha may not be able to see or hear him – or smell him, for that matter – but there was no way that Kikyo's spell could disguise the force of the wind tunnel. If he could just break free, he could find some way to warn him!
"Would you agree to that?" Kikyo asked, pressing her head against his chest. "If I did stop time?"
"Kikyo, no!" Miroku screamed. "Don't do this!"
She hugged him tighter, her eyes flashing with defiance as he levelled her gaze at Miroku.
He loved her. He longed for her. He would do anything she asked. "Yes. I don't care, as long…" Why was speaking suddenly so difficult? Why were his eyes so heavy? "As long as…I'm with you…"
The sky darkened, the earth rumbled, and the ground exploded beneath them. Miroku watched in horror as all the souls gathered around the tree surged into the abyss which grew beneath the couple, even as the light tinged them an unearthly red. Inuyasha slumped forward, his forehead resting against Kikyo's shoulder. Her arms wound tighter around him.
"Inuyasha," Kikyo murmured to the unconscious hanyou. "I will never let you go. Come with me to the depths of hell!"
"Inuyasha!" Miroku screamed, straining forward. "Inuyasha, wake up! You've got to get out of there!"
Inuyasha's eyes stayed closed, his body limp. Miroku thrashed desperately against the spell and demons binding him, panic clawing at his throat. "Kikyo, listen to me! He doesn't want this- you know he doesn't want this. He wants to stay with you, not die! Not to be dragged to hell! You're condemning him!" She wasn't listening! He fought harder, every muscle strained to the breaking point. "Please! You can't kill him – he's trying to avenge you! He's going after Naraku for you!"
An eye opening, a response, and Miroku lunged forward. Grasping at straws, at nothing, at the tendril between them still. "He's still fighting for you! He needs to live- he needs to live, to fight Naraku, more than anything! Let him do that, at least! Let him avenge you." Her head turned. She was listening. "Do you understand?" It came out as a sob.
Kikyo lifted a finger, white light flashing, and the tendril pulled taught between them. He could see the rage and jealousy, just as he could feel it. She pulled at their connection, drawing out the soul from within him. He fought desperately, but it was slipping form his grasp. Everything became monumentally more difficult, from thinking to breathing to living. The force holding him upright disappeared, and with it, the last of his strength. His knees buckled, the world went fuzzy around the edges, but he kept his eyes fixed on hers. Don't let this happen, he pleaded. "Kikyo…"
"And what if he does exact revenge?" Kikyo asked bitterly. "Would that serve to revive me?"
Miroku clung to consciousness, to his last chance. If not her acceptance, he could work with her anger, her resentment. The irony wasn't lost on him as he struggled to maintain the connection. He watched her turn back to Inuyasha and another sob ripped from his throat.
"Come, Inuyasha," she cooed, brushing away a strand of his hair as they started sinking into the ground. "You and I share the same desires."
The words sparked some recognition in Miroku's leaden mind. They shared something as well… He seized their connection, grasping at the life she had stolen from him. He pulled with all of his strength, feeling the darkness closing in around him. As his spirit left her body, so too the souls she had collected began to flee. He ignored her cry of pain and pulled harder, clawing his way to her core. The souls flew away, and Kikyo's eyes pierced into his own. The fire had not gone out. Utterly spent, Miroku could only watch as Kikyo turned back to Inuyasha, clinging to him desperately.
"Inuyasha! Come!"
Miroku's ragged cry was torn from his throat. "Inuyasha, no! Inuyasha!"
A voice pierced through the fog that had enveloped Inuyasha's mind. It sparked not only recognition but a sudden surge of emotion. Miroku was here! And he sounded…what? Desperate? In pain? Something was definitely wrong. Inuyasha instinctually turned towards him and the sight of Miroku sitting there, face pale, eyes pleading, tore at his heart. His scent hit next, full of fear and exhaustion and pain. No! "Miroku!" He didn't even realize he'd moved until he was clutching the monk, ripping the demons from his body, tearing them from him with shaking claws.
"You idiot, what happened?" he asked, wrapping a protective hand around the back of Miroku's neck as the monk fell forward to his knees, seemingly unable to support his own weight. "What're you doing here?"
"Kikyo, she…" He shifted his gaze past Inuyasha, to the resentful eyes of Kikyo watching him. A fresh wave of demons flew past them, rushing towards Kikyo, and Inuyasha turned to watch. They swirled around her, those still bearing souls depositing them in her body. The abyss closed beneath her, leaving a pit illuminated only by the shimmering spirits.
"What's happening to her?" Inuyasha asked, straining to see but unwilling to let go of his hands clutching Miroku's shoulder and neck.
"What is this, Inuyasha?" Kikyo asked softly and sadly. "Does that man mean more to you than I do?"
Inuyasha's eyes darted to Miroku, the immediate response – Of course not! – dying in his throat. He loved Kiyko, he wanted to be with her, but… He couldn't put the feelings into words, couldn't name the force pressing against his heart or pulling him back. He knew he wanted to protect Miroku, to keep him safe, but was the monk more important than Kikyo? Of course not! Of course not…
His hesitation may have cost him everything. With a mournful look, Kikyo began to rise into the air, carried up into the sky by her attending demons. The unnatural darkness she had cast over the sky faded into twilight.
"No! Wait, Kikyo!" Inuyasha shouted, running after her. "Listen to me!"
"Inuyasha, never forget!" she called down to him, drifting further and further out of reach. "Remember the feel of my lips against yours, for it was real. Never forget."
As the tendril connecting them faded from the distance between them, Miroku was left with only a hollow sadness. Despite everything, she was still just a lonely spirit, clinging to this world. It made his heart ache. He pushed himself to his feet, using his staff to pull himself upright. Inuyasha stood frozen, eyes fixed on the faint shimmer of souls as she disappeared into the sky. He looked devastated as he whispered a soft goodbye. Miroku began to walk away. Inuyasha would need some time alone.
Instead, a voice called out to him. "Hey, wait!"
Miroku turned tired eyes back to Inuyasha, saw the confusion and turmoil still present there. He waited for Inuyasha to cross the distance between them before putting up a hand. "We need to talk, Inuyasha."
"I'll say! What happened back there?" Inuyasha's eyes darted up and down his body, sniffing the air and looking even more confused. More lost.
And he couldn't do it. H couldn't break the love that Inuyasha still held. "Kikyo…she wanted to keep you for herself. She was trying to make sure you could be together forever." He sighed, not knowing how to say this. "Look, I think you should take some time to process this. Make sure you still want to travel with me."
"What?" Inuyasha took an involuntary step back, hunching his shoulders as though struck. "Wh- whaddya mean? Where's this coming from?"
There was real fear in Inuyasha's voice. Miroku squeezed his eyes shut. No, no, this wasn't what he wanted. Stupid! He shouldn't have suggested parting ways when Inuyasha was already reeling from losing Kikyo. "I just mean, going after the Jewels. I don't want to force you to do that instead of going after Kikyo, or Naraku."
"Of course I'm gonna go after the Jewels!" There was still an undercurrent of uncertainty beneath the fierce bravado. "It's how I'll get Naraku, and I need you to help me."
A small, sad smile crept onto Miroku's lips. "I'm glad that you will stay with us, but you don't have to pretend to need me."
It felt like someone had kicked him in the gut. It was all too much, everything with Kikyo and now Miroku, standing there hurt from something that Inuyasha couldn't see, something he wasn't telling him. Something was seriously wrong, and every fibre of his being was screaming at Inuyasha to fix it. He saw Miroku shift, smelled the shame mixing in with the sadness and pain.
"I'm sorry, Inuyasha. Forget I said anything." The smile on his lips was alarmingly convincing. If only his eyes weren't glassy with the hint of tears. "I don't want things to change between us. I'd rather not be alone in this."
"You're not alone," Inuyasha snapped back instantly. "You have me, don't you? I'm right here with you….unless…" Miroku saw an old fear creeping back into Inuyasha's eyes. "Unless you don't want me to be?"
"I would never wish for you to be gone, Inuyasha," he assured, painfully genuine. He breathed a soft laugh. "I wish you could've heard the things I was yelling at you."
"Huh? What things? When?"
"I was there the whole time, Inuyasha. I found Kikyo before you arrived, and I saw everything that happened." He winced, thinking about what he'd been intruding on. "I'm sorry."
The shame, the fear of rejection, everything came back to Inuyasha in a rush. He curled backwards, away from the phantom threats and the monk who stared at him.
Miroku shook his head. This was all wrong. He couldn't let Inuyasha think that there was something wrong with what he'd done, with what he had with Kikyo. He couldn't let Inuyasha think he blamed him. True, their relationship was fraught with toxicity, but not from Inuyasha. "I'm sorry that you lost her. I know how much you love her."
Inuyasha looked away, eyes burning. "Every time I find her, I lose her again. I thought maybe this time- She said- Well, you heard."
"She wanted to stay with you as well." Miroku swallowed. "But Inuyasha…you know that can't be."
Inuyasha closed his eyes, his fists clenched, and he shuddered. "I know."
Miroku took three steps and then his arms were around Inuyasha. For a moment he feared the hanyou would turn away from him, might push him aside, but then strong arms closed around him. Clawed fingers dug into his robes and Miroku held him as he sobbed. He didn't say anything, didn't bother with empty words. He simply stood and let the emotions run their course. Slowly, Inuyasha's breathing quieted and he stilled. Neither of them let go. It was a shame, then, that a violent shudder from Miroku broke them apart. Inuyasha's brows were drawn as he looked the monk over, hands planted firmly on his shoulders.
"What's wrong? What happened back there?"
Miroku smiled dismissively. "Nothing to worry about. I'm just a little tired, that's all." At Inuyasha's suspicious glare, he sighed. "It seems that Kikyo's and my souls are still connected from what Urasue did to us. Kikyo…required more souls than she already had to try and stay with you, so she tried to take mine."
Horror flashed in Inuyasha's eyes, quickly followed by guilt. Miroku rushed to stop whatever he was thinking. "I'm alright. As I said, just a little tired."
With a growl deep in his throat, Inuyasha put his arms around Miroku's shoulders and started leading him back through the forest. He didn't know when the monk had become an essential aspect of his life, but when Miroku had suggested parting ways, his instinctual reaction had been knee-jerk panic. Even now, he couldn't take his hands off the monk. Couldn't fathom why Miroku would ever think that he didn't want him around. Why would Kikyo have changed that?
"Miroku! Inuyasha! There you are!" Shippo's shrill voice stopped them both in their tracks.
Miroku felt Inuyasha tense, and braced himself to be dropped like hot coal. Instead Inuyasha's arms fixed more firmly around his shoulders.
"What happened with Kikyo?" Shippo asked, looking between them in concern.
Miroku felt the twitch that Inuyasha tried desperately to suppress. As Shippo stood in front of them, his eyes taking in Miroku's rumpled state and the pallor of his face, Miroku could see the question building in his eyes. "I'll explain everything later," he said, tone firm and final.
Shippo gave him a long look, but nodded and jumped on Inuyasha's shoulder. Inuyasha avoided eye contact with them both as he led Miroku back towards the village with the mansion. Miroku could feel Shippo's eyes flicking between the two of them, but thankfully the little fox stayed silent. Miroku began to shake with exhaustion, two nights of no sleep catching up to him. Inuyasha just gripped him tighter and continued on. Miroku didn't complain. As much as he longed to lie down and sleep for a month of two, none of them wanted to stay in this cursed forest any longer.
As they approached the village, Miroku thought about Kikyo's words. Why had she been so insistent to know their relationship? What had been the cause of the jealousy that burned in her eyes? Was it just the insecurities of a spirit trying to keep her loved one to herself? But it wasn't just protection or possessiveness he had sensed from her. Suddenly, Miroku wondered if perhaps he wasn't the only one who could reach across whatever bond had formed between them. Had Kikyo seen into his mind as well? Had she seen something which made her jealous? Had she found something which made her think that he posed a threat to her relationship with Inuyasha? Something that even Miroku himself hadn't yet discovered?
Our boys have some issues. I promise, they'll stop being clueless idiots eventually.