"I think we need to talk to TJ."
It took a while to get the other four together. Lot of phone calls and finding them in the halls between classes, but Vince managed to convince them to meet him at Kelso's with their busy schedules. He, Spinelli (it still felt weird calling her Ashley S.), Gretchen, Mikey, and even guess, despite him not being involved with their fake attempt to befriend him.
Spinelli arched an eyebrow and looked up at him as if he grew a second head as she filed her nails.
"Why? Is this about another prank or something?" She asked. "'Cause the last one was fun and everything but I'm busy."
"No, it's not another prank," Vince said.
That whole thing with the garbage, it sounded fun when Austin came up with it, and he had a good laugh when it happened, but since then, thinking about it made him uncomfortable, and he didn't know why. So he didn't think about it, and moved on. Why did TJ act like that was so hard to do?
"Then what was so important that you insisted I step away from my studies?" Gretchen asked. He could hear the frustration in her tone of voice.
"Austin was messing with him the other day after school. He took it a little too far and told him to kill himself," Vince looked around and kept his voice low to avoid anyone overhearing him. "And TJ just said 'fine'. I dunno if he's serious or if he said it just to get Austin to leave him alone."
"So how is that our problem?" Spinelli snapped at him. "We weren't the ones who told him that! We just did our part to distract him."
"I don't even know why I'm here. I didn't do anything at all," Gus said, stirring his milkshake.
"God, I don't know! Maybe we should talk to him or something? I mean, I think he's bluffing, but-"
"But what? He is bluffing, and he's being dramatic, just like in 6th grade," said Spinelli. She paused, looked at her nails, and continued filling them. "Why do you care so much, anyways?"
". . .I don't know, I just feels weird."
Gretchen sighed. "If it'll calm your nerves, and get me out of here sooner, then I'll tell you that the chances of that happening are very slim," she said. "The vast majority of people who are bullied don't commit suicide, and he doesn't have any underlying mental health issues. Does that make you feel better?"
"I guess," Vince mumbled.
"Great."
The four of them climbed out of their booths drinks and left.
ZZZ
TJ made sure everything he bought was carefully hidden under the loose floorboard under his bed. All the syrups and pills he bought. It was probably more than enough, but he had to make to sure. He couldn't fuck this up like everything else.
Now he needed a date.
. . .
There was no time like the present, but that felt messy. He planned out this much, might as well plan out the rest. Maybe next Friday, that sounded good. He still needed to clean out his locker, though the thought of leaving that hell a disgusting mess to clean up out of spite crossed his mind.
After putting the loose floorboard back, TJ sat at his desk. It was cleaned, wiped down, and organized, with his sketchbook on top because it was too big to fit in a drawer. It's been a while since he drew anything, and a longer time since he got a letter from Lee. But he hasn't been sending him anything either. That random guy who wanted to read his comic and sent him advice on how to improve, TJ wondered if he noticed the sudden end to their back and forth letters.
It's not like his comic was good. The plot was stupid, the characters were stupid, and he couldn't draw for shit. It wasn't like he was going to publish this or anything. He flipped through a few pages, wincing at the horrible drawing and coloring. He shut the book.
And he thought he was getting better. What a fucking joke. He turned away, and his gym bag with his kickboxing uniform inside sat at the foot of his bed. He had no intention of going back to kickboxing. The whole reason he stopped was because he didn't even make it into the lightweight class. Too small, and he still hadn't grown since then.
At least his parents wouldn't have to shop for a new suit to bury him in. They can have him dressed in the dark blue one in his closet.
All he had left since summer was his paper route. That reminded him, he needed to go downtown and tell his boss that he won't be delivering papers anymore. The money was nice, and he saved up a nice chunk of change since he didn't spend much of it, but he won't be around to do his route.
So many loose ends to tie up.
ZZZ
"See, look. He's fine."
Today, the sports teams sat together with the cheerleaders, giving Vince and Spinelli a way to talk without it feeling forced between them. The groups gathered around a few lunch tables, talking excitedly among each other. The two of them sat on the edge of the group, though not on purpose. With what happened a few days ago, Vince couldn't be around the others on his team at the moment, and Spinelli had to get away from the other Ashley's, but she was close enough to listen to which ever rumor or gossip they were talking about. Had to stay on top of that.
Spinelli pointed across the lunchroom, where TJ sat at his usual table. He talk talking with his group of loser friends, as if nothing happened between him and Austin the other day.
"He isn't going to do anything," She said to Vince, but part of that was to herself.
She thought back to their conversation at Kelso's, specifically to when Gretchen tried to convince him that the chances of what he was worried about was low. But. . .
She thought back to the summer, when her parents took her out from camp for a few days for a wedding, when she went over to TJ's house and she saw him take pills. She hadn't told the others, so Gretchen didn't take that into account in her calculations, so she knew that it was off.
But it couldn't be that off, could it?
. . .
Spinelli remembered when Ashley B shared her secret about losing her hair from stress. The yellow Ashley only shared that when Austin snatched TJ's hat off his head, exposing his head and the patches of missing hair. Ashley B continued to confine in her about the things that stressed her that much, and it was clear that she wasn't being over dramatic, so maybe TJ was under that much stress, too?
Or maybe he was just a fucking crybaby, just like in sixth grade where being around in sucked the fun right out of them.
Spinelli sighed and took a bite out of her lunch.
For fucks sake, this was TJ they were talking about. Probably the happiest kid on the playground before he sucked to be around and they realized his plans were stupid. He just needed to get over himself and stop acting like his life was so hard. People get bullied all the time and they get over it, he can, too.
ZZZ
The idea of taking a knife to his neck crossed his mind.
If the movies where true, and he knew that more often than not it wasn't, but if they were, then taking the sharpest kitchen knife across his neck and slicing his jugular like any other piece of meat would make the whole process quick and permanent, no matter how fast his parents got him to the hospital. The only problem with that was the amount of blood that they'd have to clean up. His parents didn't deserve to have clean up their sons blood.
. . .Was he being selfish for this? He just wanted to end his own misery, but what about the misery and anguish his parents and Becky would feel after? And his friends? That was the exact opposite of what he wanted to do with this. He was a burden, and he wanted to relieve them of that burden.
But. . .sure it was going to hurt them, but in the long run, they'll feel better. It's for the best, like his parents say sometimes. He was doing everyone a favor.
He rolled over in bed, facing the wall. In case his parents came in, he had a moment to wipe the tears from his face before facing them.
What if the stuff he bought wasn't enough, though? If he wanted to do this right, shouldn't he have a fail-safe? Fail-deadly? Whatever it was called, he had to make sure it worked, no matter what. Maybe if he did everything in the bathroom tub, it would be an easier mess to clean. The blood would be confined and his parents could turn on the water and wash it away.
Only if the medicine didn't work fast enough.
TJ curled tighter under the covers.
ZZZ
Monday had to come sooner or later.
In school suspension had the perk of being away from other students for most of the day. Being around other people wasn't something he had the energy to put on a mask on for too long. TJ turned the page of his textbook to make it look like he was reading. In reality, the words were just a blur on the paper.
Studying and doing at his homework was useless at the point. For a while at the beginning of the school year, his grades weren't the best, but they were better than they had been before. It was nice to bring home grades higher than a D on a regular basic, but that was then. His grades plummeted by now, and with so little time left, he didn't see any point to try and bring them back up again, or even make an attempt to have something to turn in.
The clock ticked by agonizingly slow as he waited from the moment he sat in the chair for the end of the day to arrive. TJ stared at the words in front of him before glancing up at the clock, to find that only a few minutes had passed. It was like the clock was mocking him. But that was ridiculous. The only thing that was mocking him was his thoughts.
What are you waiting for?
You're not going to do it, you're a coward.
Do everyone a favor and off yourself.
Pathetic.
Idiot.
It took you this long to figure out what you should do?
Useless.
Nobody wants you.
He couldn't even be alone with his thoughts in peace. TJ wrapped his arms around himself in a self hug in an attempt to control his emotions and stop himself from crying like a little bitch before lunch. The tears rose, but didn't fall down his face, a small victory against all of his failures.
He hated this school. Robert told him middle school was going to be hard, but how was he supposed to know it would be like this? Homeschooling did sound nice, but he already made up his mind about what he was going to do. Maybe if he asked his parents earlier, but oh well.
Only a few minutes passed again. TJ decided he didn't want to be at school anymore.
When it was time for lunch, TJ was set on finding Colten and his friends. The others would have to forgive them for not joining them today. Or not. He found the group clad in black and white just before they reached the lunch room. It's been a while since he's talked to them.
"I was just wondering, and I know it's stupid, but do you want to ditch school?" TJ asked. "It's fine if you don't want to, I just don't feel like staying here for the rest of the day."
" . . .yeah, okay," Colten said after a beat. "Place sucks ass, anyways. Rest of you coming?"
And just like that, TJ slipped out of school with Colton and his group. They snuck through the school back doors, out of sight of any teachers who would spot and stop them. Rather than hang out in the back, they headed into the woods behind the school, opting to stay hidden in the trees until school was over. But that was fine.
They sat down in an opening, each with a cigarette hanging from their mouths and fingers, TJ included. No use in trying to quit at this point. If anything, he should finish off his pack and not let it go to waste. There were only a few left, anyways.
TJ was glad they didn't ask why he wanted to ditch school. Sitting in the woods, in a comfortable silence, was all he wanted right now. His cigarette, though, was barely doing anything for his nerves. He stomped it out once he was done and pulled out another.
"Something bothering you, Detweiler?: Colten asked. He smoked slowly, only taking the occasional puff every few minutes. "You usually stick with one at a time."
"I guess you can say that," TJ said. "I was wondering if we could do one of those nights where we walk around the city again."
"When'd you do that?" Emily asked.
""bout a month ago, maybe?" Colten paused and inhaled. "I offered because he looked like he needed it. Guessing it's the same reason?"
TJ nodded. "I really need something that can calm me down," he said. "So can we?"
". . .Yeah. Not tonight, though. My parents are coming home tonight and they want to have a 'family dinner' or what the fuck ever. They'll be gone by tomorrow, so tomorrow night," the goth boy said. "Is that okay?"
"Yeah, that's fine," he said. "I'm not gonna be able to sneak out tonight, anyways."
As part of his homeschooling, his parents bought a new computer. The classes were online, after all. It was waiting to be set up today after they got home from work, and if they finished that, they can have a look on the website where the whole thing was supposed to happen.
TJ hoped it was returnable. Or at least not expensive. He didn't plan on using it.
Time drifted by until they heard the school bell signal the end of the school day. TJ finished his second cigarette hours ago, and hoped that the wind got rid of the scent on his clothes. His parents didn't need another reason to fuss over him.
They've been giving him so much attention after that fight with Austin and him crying once they got him home. Asking how he was feeling, what was on his mind, if maybe they should schedule extra appointments with Dr. Sages, all things good parents would do.
. . .
They deserved better than a fucked up son.
ZZZ
Getting out of bed on Tuesday was a challenge TJ wasn't up to facing. With only a week left, both in public school and his life, what was the point? He was just there to serve out a punishment. As if every other day there wasn't a punishment already.
His parents, ever so understanding and wanting to help, let him stay home.
TJ curled tighter under his weighted blanket the mental hospital let him have. Wrapped around him like a comforting hug, TJ didn't want to move an inch. Not until it was time to sneak out and meet Colten and the others to have a night out and clear his mind.
His stomach ached for food, but he didn't budge. Instead, he waited for the pain to pass before falling asleep.
Besides getting out to eat, he stayed in bed all day, waiting for night to come and the right time to sneak out and meet Colten and the others at the school. He listened for the sound of his parents bedroom door closing before climbing out of bed. After changing out of his pajamas, he carefully crept out of the house.
"Almost thought you changed your mind," Colten said when he approached the school. "You didn't show up to school today."
"It's complicated," said TJ. He couldn't tell them how it wouldn't matter by the end of the week, but he didn't feel like talking much at all. "Can we go?"
A drizzle started to come down as they made their way into the city. With his hood up to keep his face hidden, TJ settled on following them as they rode on their bikes and parked them in an alleyway, hiding them. The five of them walked on the sidewalks, along the empty streets with the sound of the steps blending it the increased rainfall.
Nice, quiet, and peaceful. The buildings towering over him, the occasional light from the few business still open, TJ wanted to drown in the ambiance of it all. It was enough to make his racing thoughts pause, and maybe he could make it though school if he could somehow get this same feeling everywhere he went.
"What's on your mind?" Colten asked. They all were meandering around with no direction in mind. While the others were a bit ahead of them, Colten joined him as they trailed behind.
"Nothing. I'm out here so there's nothing on my mind," TJ said.
"Is it working?"
"Yeah."
"Good."
". . .I'm leaving after Friday," said TJ. It was only by the streetlights that he saw Colten raise an eyebrow. "My parents are having me home schooled starting next week. So I won't be around."
That was the closest thing he could say to why he really wouldn't be returning. He didn't want to say it, but at the same time, he did, and this was his attempt at a middle ground.
"Shit, really?" Colten asked. "'Cause of that asshole Austin? We didn't see the fight but we heard about it."
". . .Yeah. My parents had enough of the school not doing anything about it, I guess. So home school it is," he said. "At least I get to stay at home. Can't say it doesn't sound nice."
"It does sound kinda nice," said Colten. "You gonna do home schooling for all of middle school."
TJ shrugged. "Probably. I dunno if I'll do it for high school, too. We're just gonna see how it goes." He zipped up his jacket. "I don't want to talk about school. I'll talk about literally anything else."
What conversation that continued quickly trailed off in favor of listening to the ambient sounds around them. TJ wasn't complaining, though. Being out here helped relax him more than anything. He knew that there was a chance his parents would find out he sneaked out and were waiting for him to come back and ground him. How that was going to work if he was going to be homeschooled? His parents would find a way.
If he could sleep out here, with the sound of rain, with his weighted blanket, he might get a good nights sleep in who knows how long.
They huddled under a bus stop for a smoke break before continuing on.
"If everyone wasn't home I'd say we'd go hangout at that lounge," said Colten.
"Yeah, that was nice," TJ mumbled.
"Wanna go tomorrow?"
". . .Nah. Thanks, though. If I change my mind, I'll let you know."
Colten nodded. They stayed out for another hour before they heard the echo of thunder and decided to go home. TJ was relieved to find that his parents were still asleep and were unaware of his time out tonight. After swapping out his rain soaked clothes for pajamas and crawled back into bed.
ZZZ
0.6 per 100,000.
It was easy to understand anything once you broke it down to the bare bones, at least Gretchen thought. Focus on the facts, stripped of any emotions to blind one to those facts, and the answer comes easily.
0.6 per 100,000. A very small amount, in comparison to most other things.
Second leading cause of death between the ages of 10 - 24.
Vince had the audacity to interrupt her scheduled studying time to bring her to Kelso's to talk about someone she hadn't given a second thought once 6th grade ended. To be fair, she hadn't thought much about any of her, ugh, former friends. But, knowing Vince's persistence wouldn't allow him to leave her alone until she came, she went with him, reluctantly.
He went on about some nonsense about TJ saying he was going to kill himself. If she wasn't upset at being pulled away from her priorities, she would've scoffed at such a ridiculous notion. The chances of someone their age doing such a thing was already extremely small, and that was without considering other factors. A complete waste of her time, really. Though the scientist in her reminded her that the possibility of anything is never zero.
No, there was nothing to be concerned about. Whatever Vince heard, he was overreacting, like most middle schoolers did when hearing rumors. Those who didn't have a good head on their shoulders, anyways.
She turned her attention back to the lesson in front of her.
ZZZ
"Hey!"
Even with in school detention, TJ had to grab things out of his locker, and still had the chance to run into Austin when he was getting things out of his locker, or when he took the time to clean it out. He was surprised, in a way, that Austin hadn't taken this window of opportunity to start bothering him again first thing on Monday.
TJ grabbed a few lose sheets of papers, old tests and scrap papers, and balled it up to be tossed when he walked away. If he didn't have good reflexes, his fingers would've been crushed in the locker door when Austin slammed it shut. He didn't bother turning to face him; he had already seen enough of his smug face
"I'm talking to you, short shit," Austin said. "When you didn't show up yesterday I was hoping you actually did it. What the hell are you doing here? Weren't you supposed to off yourself to do everyone a favor? What's taking so long?"
"What can I say?" He smirked, but it didn't reach his eyes. "I want to make sure I get it right."
Austin scoffed. "Yeah right. It's not that hard, you're just too much of a coward." He stepped back to his group. "See? He isn't going to do anything. Even though he should and do us all a favor."
"For once, you're right," TJ said. "Are you done?"
Austin shoved him before walking away with his group.
"TJ?" He glanced over his shoulder and saw that Vince had stayed behind as the others left. The taller male arms were folded, though there was an unreadable expression on his face. Was it nervousness? Frustration? Confusion? TJ turned back to his locker and didn't give it much thought. "TJ, this isn't funny-"
"Who's laughing?" TJ halfheartedly asked. "I'm not."
"What are you even trying to do?" Vince snapped. "Make Austin back off? It's not going to work so try something else!"
TJ didn't bother answering him. He didn't want to talk about it anymore. Not with him, not with anyone. He made up his mind about what he wanted to do.
ZZZ
TJ swore the bottles he held in his hands weren't this heavy when he bought and hid them away. He carried them to his bathroom and dropped them on the counter, next to the glass he brought from the kitchen. The smell of dinner wafted into his room. One of his favorites, in celebration of his last day at that school, with homeschooling beginning on Monday.
. . .
He grabbed a bottle of cough syrup, pulling off the plastic safety wrapping on the cap. First cough syrup, then pills, then sleeping syrup, then even more pills. Stirring it all together, he watched the pilled slowly dissolve. His hands trembled, but TJ didn't feel nervous. He didn't feel much of anything as he looked at the colorful mixture in front of him. He got the syrups in the same flavor, but it was still going to taste gross. They tasted weird on their own, but mixed together like this? Nasty.
Pacing around his legs, Sasha whined to get his attention. He had already taken her out for an extra long walk and to play at the park, but she still wanted his attention. As if she knew what he was going to do.
"C'mon, Sasha. I already played with you for hours," TJ said. He kneeled closer to Sasha's height. "I just need a little time alone, okay?"
He lead the whine dog to outside of his bedroom door. He loved Sasha, and closing the door on her when she made those big, sad puppy eyes was hard, but he had to do it. She couldn't be there to mess him up. He had to hurry up and get this over with.
He closed his bathroom door, grabbed the glass in one hand and a old knife he stole from the kitchen earlier in the other. Just in case. He wanted to get this over with. If only his heart would stop racing and his hands would stop trembling. He climbed into the bathtub and laid down, careful not to spill any of the contents. Once he settled in, he only stared at the glass.
. . .
He didn't tell his friends anything. Nothing about him being home schooled, definitely nothing about what he was about to do. They, hopefully, didn't have a clue. They were going to have a movie marathon over Ashley's house in her family's private theater. He lied, and told them his dad was taking him to visit family over the weekend. On Monday, they'd find out what he did, and, it'll hurt, sure, but they'll be better off without dead weight dragging them down.
He swirled the thick mixture around.
How did end up like this? It wasn't that long ago that he didn't feel like his life was a waste. He used to be happy without much effort, but now, getting to 'feeling okay' was a like climbing a mountain. He was just so tired.
So very, very tired of fighting.
He slowly took a few deep breaths to calm his nerves, and the glass was bottoms up, and he was forcing the sickeningly sweet syrupy mixture down, occasionally feeling a pill that hadn't fully dissolved.
The instant it hit his stomach, TJ felt like he was going to bring it back out, as if his body was rejecting it in one last gambit to stop him. He wrapped his arms around himself and resisted the urge to vomit. A wave of weakness and exhaustion hit him like a truck, and suddenly, going to sleep was even more enticing. TJ curled in on himself as a black hazy border started to fade onto his vision. While the now empty glass fell to the floor with a deceptively dull clang, he tightly gripped the knife still in his hand, but still felt it move around. His pounding heartbeat returned at full force, echoing in his ears so loudly that he could barely hear Sasha's barking outside his bedroom door.
It was coming, he could feel it creep up on him as his stomach lurched, but it still was taking too long for TJ. He lifted his knife wielding hand with what little remaining energy he had left. His whole body felt like lead, and his arms was no exception. Still, he was going to do this, and he was going to do it right.
Feeling himself fading out, he brought the old knife down against the side of his neck and dragged in across, and everything faded away.