Chapter 20

Kylo can't stop seeing the look of absolute betrayal on zoycite face, but he'd not touched her memory of usagi revealing the truth. It is only a matter of time before zoycite comes to believe usagi. He thinks of how zoycite had urged usagi to accept his attentions, how she'd found it all so romantic, He's not been able to think much on what he'd learned, given how he had come by the knowledge. He's twisted something beautiful. Usagi had said she could love him. Love him. He'd never really allowed himself to think in such terms. And now … now he knows he could never deserve such a precious gift.

Yesterday he'd been terrifiedof hurting usagi the next time he lost himself. He'd imagined her broken body, not this. He thought usagi could trust him. He'd been so careful to never lie to her and now he has, in spirit if not in fact. He knows he's never told her something that was untrue, but now he is hiding something from her. If usagi ever found out how he'd ripped into zoycite mind, ignoring her anguished whimpers and valiant struggle, she'd never speak to him again. And she'd be right not to. He's not sure how he'll ever look her in the eyes her voice breaks through his mind.

"Kylo!" cried usagi

"usagi my beloved! What's wrong? Are you hurt?" demanded kylo

"What? No. It's zoycite! They're threatening to take her to something called reconditioning. You have to stop them!" cried usagi

"Who? Who's saying that?" asked kylo

"A stormtrooper, FL-4359. He seems to be in charge." Said usagi

"Where are you?" asked kylo

"C deck, near the mess hall. Zoycite was showing me the ship." Said usagi

"I'm on my way." Said kylo

"Please hurry. They've already taken zoycite into custody! She's so scared." Said usagi

usagi plaintive tone catches in his chest. She came to him for help, so he was going to come to her aid, he was going to have to go and help. He was hoping she was ok. As he rushed to gather everything he needed as he rounded up hux he might need him and minako help on this. Zoycite should of thought before she did something like this.

" I'm coming, sweetheart. Don't worry, everything will be alright." Said kylo

"Supreme Leader?" asked hux

"There's a situation on C deck. Something to do with Ke- KS-2153 and FL-4359. Contact FL-4359 and tell him to stand down and that I will be there shortly. Under no circumstances is KS-2153 to be sent to reconditioning." Said kylo

"Sir, that's really Captain Phasma's are-" said hux

"Just do it! Or your spending time with your buddy tigers eye dearest one." Said minako

Hux went right to it. His wife Is evil when she orders him around. Plus he remember that the one stormtrooper is just her friend, and one of the legendary silver knights. But he was not going to be spending the night with tigerseye again, he didn't want to cuddle with a man who wanted him in ways he only does with his wife. Kylo nodded his thanks to minako as she pushed him to go and do what needed to be done because If usagi has to she will kill anyone who harms a friend of hers or a family member.

Meanwhile a little while later

kylo rounds the corner on C deck to find a clutch of stormtroopers surrounding his beloved and a trembling zoycite. usagi is resplendent in a long red gown that under any other circumstance would have all of his attention, and zoycite is out of her armor, wearing a pale yellow dress that doesn't fit quite right. Because zoycite has a boyish form, but not his type. The ensemble is vaguely familiar. It must be usagi. He'd ordered so many that they'd all run together.

"Let her go!" ordered usagi

"your highness, we are following protocol."

"I don't care! She didn't doanything, she's just wearing a dress, for the love the moon. Take those things off of her right now!" ordered usagi

She moves to pull the binders from zoycite wrists but two stormtroopers push her back and she stumbles and fell to the ground. Kylo growls a feral sound and swiftly reaches out with the Force. Both soldiers are lifted from their feet and slammed into the bulkhead. They dared touch usagi? Oh, there will be some serious reconditioningin their future. Usagi turns quickly and sees him. Her enraged expression shifts to profound relief.

"Kylo!" gasped usagi

The remaining troopers stand at attention, ignoring their two comrades lolling on the floor. He strides forward and usagi rushes to meet him. They know better to touch the woman, they all know who she is. But she rushed to her beloved after she pushed herself off the floor, and tried to get kylo to stop what he was doing. She didn't want him to kill anyone and that damn mask is back on, oh how she hated that thing,

"You have to stop them! It's not her fault!" said usagi

Usagi exclaims as she grabs his hands. He can't quite think straight. Usagi is touching him. He shouldn't let her; he's betrayed her utterly. She's glad he's here. He'd like to choke the life out of the stormtroopers that had laid hands on his usagi, and he can't help but notice how zoycite is shrinking from him. It's a mad circus of contradiction. He blinks quickly behind his helmet, reining in his fury and jumbled feelings. He turns to the motley group and suppresses the pang he feels as he gently untangles his hands from usagi. She curls her fingers around his arm, standing next to him. She feels so rightby his side. She'd been in trouble and she'd reached out to him, knowing he would protect her and her friend. Just a day ago he would have felt such joy to have her so openly claim him, but he fears he's ruined everything with his selfish cruelty.

"FL-4359!" hissed kylo

"Supreme Leader, sir!"

the tallest of the stormtroopers responds. Kylo is still taller and he looks down on his white-armor-clad foe. He knows he was fearsome. But ever getting more lessons from others who are known to do this helped. And he thinks he made the poor trooper piss himself. While usagi was trying hrrcbest to keep him under control.

"What, precisely, is the meaning of this?" snapped kylo

"KS-2153 has violated sections 43 and 89, and is being sent for reconditioning as per regulation Rho, sir!"

"I didn't know! I pushed zoycite not to wear her armor or helmet. She told me, but I said it would be alright. I didn't know. Please, Kylo, please! I didn't know!" pleaded usagi

He knows he's in front of the stormtroopers, but he just doesn't care. usagi is relying on him, askinghim for his help, and for once he will be able to give her exactly what she wants. Maybe he would be out of the dog house. But that was hopeful hope on his part. Most of all Loki told him and her other ex husbands on how it like being in the dog house. He didn't even do half of what they had done.

"Shhh beloved, it's alright. Nothing will happen to zoycite," said Kylo

Kylo reassures her as he cups her anguished face with his gloved hand. He needed to make sure The tension in usagi body lessens immediately and she pushes slightly into his palm. He strokes her cheek with his thumb before dropping his hand and returning his gaze to FL-4359. He will be punished for laying hands on usagi. But he has to fix this as soon as he can. And hope it would get him out of the dog house.

"Release KS-2153," ordered Kylo

The stormtroopers holding zoycite hurry to obey. Her dark green eyes are wary and she rubs her wrists. Then she looks directly at Kylo and visibly flinches. Damn. There must be an emotional echo. Changing memories is a tricky business and he'd clearly underestimated the impact on her subconscious. He remembers the horror in her eyes as she'd accused him. He just hoped she didn't remember anything, usagi sighed in relief.

"FL-4359, she will notbe sent to reconditioning and has my explicit permission to appear out of uniform." Said kylo

usagi places her other hand on his arm and she opens the Bond ever so slightly. A delicious wave of her light caresses him with affection and gratitude. He wants to revel in it, but instead he must ensure she not sense how very unworthy of her kindness he has made himself. The stormtrooper is silent for a beat too long. As the stormtroopers nodded out of fearKylo tilts his head at the mild impertinence in FL-4359's tone but decides not to address it. Quite a crowd has gathered and he frowns.

"You are all dismissed," ordered kylo

Kylo ordere shortly to the onlookers. The two fallen stormtroopers are pulled to their feet and Kylo notes their designations. He will deal with them later. Reluctantly, the collection of officers and stormtroopers disperses. Soon, only himself, usagi, and zoycite remain. usagi goes up to her friend and says something quietly. Zoycite eyes dart to him with distrust, but she removes herself to the end of the hall. Kylo will need to address his imperfect handling of zoycite memory, or she will likely always fear him without knowing why. He doesn't want usagi friend and former knight to feel that way about him. usagi comes to stand in front of him. As her blue eyes looked up at him to show what she was feeling.

"Could you maybe take off your mask?" asked usagi

"Right, of course. I'm sorry. I know how you hate it," said kylo

kylo swiftly removes his helmet and holds it in the crook of his elbow. He should have thought of that on his own. She looks at his mask and then she takes it from him, placing it on the floor. And then she's wrapping her arms around his waist and he instinctively captures her in his embrace. He's breathing shallowly and finding it difficult to think. His beloved is in his arms. He doesn't deserve to touch her, but he still holds her as closely as her. He's so disgusted with himself. But he has a feeling for might know and not saying anything, she is able to see the time gates.

"Thank you for coming so quickly," said usagi

"I will always come for you." Said kylo

She feels so good so good. He can't believe he'd allowed himself to threaten this. She pulls back just enough to look up at him. Her beautiful blue eyes pull him in. oh how he missed this. Oh he Hope's that this could continue. Hope she has forgiven him. But that is up to her though. He was going to be good about having to control himself. He cant lose what he has with him. While zoycite was looking awkward.

"zoycite has been sad today, so I thought it might cheer her up to dress up and leave the rooms. I convinced her it would be okay. I should have known better after everything hux told me. I didn't think anyone would care since she's off duty when she's with me." Said usagi

kylo could let this pass unaddressed but he's loath to hide anything else from her now. "It doesn't matter if she is or is not on duty, stormtroopers are not to be outside of the barracks without their armor and helmets. usagi shifts now running her hands up his torso then threading her arms around his neck. He places his hands on her slim waist. She holds his eyes with hers then he sees a shadow cross her face.

"I … there's something I should tell you." Said usagi

"What is it?" asked kylo

"I went to see Wylan again yesterday," said usagi

Kylo doesn't know what to say. This is his opening; this is where he should tell her what he's done. Then her eyes lift and he looks into her nervous face and he can't. She'll neverlet him back in if he tells her. He just keeps staring into her delicate face, that very angelic beautiful face. trying to push away the roiling shame. She blinks up at him and her expression grows concerned.

"Kylo? Did you hear me?" asked usagi

"Yes, I heard you," said kylo

"Are you … mad?" asked usagi

"No, I'm not angry." Said kyko

"You don't mind?" asked usagi

Usagi looked thoughtfully at what he had said. She would of thought he would have been angry with her. So shes kinda confused right now. Kylo mind is racing he has no ideahow to navigate this conversation. For the first time since he met her, he wants to run from her. But he would look guilty if he had. He just needed to feel her. To make sure she is safe. Kylo sighed and knew that he wanted to feel this as long as he could.

"Is there a reason I should?" asked kylo

"No! You were right. He's horrible ." said usagi

usagi shivers in revulsion and her arms tighten around his neck, trying to gain as much comfort from him as she could, oh how she hated Wylan. And that's how he repaired her kindness. Usagi was pulling him closer to her. He knows it would be very strange for him not to ask more, but he feels like the worst sort of villain, pretending he doesn't already know everything that had happened. But it has to pretend to not know. Most of all he needs to not let her know what he had done.

"Did he treat you badly?" asked usagi

"He was very rude. I won't be visiting him again," said usagi

"It is your choice," said kylo

"Really?" asked usagi

"I trust you," said kylo

he says openly. If only he had trusted her yesterday. Maker, he's disgusting. Oh he's such a bad person, but he didn't want her to know what he had done. Usagi was now completely confused when it came down to what he was trying to say. He threw a huge anger fest yesterday. And now he was just saying that it was her choice. Kylo sighed he knows she was confused when he came down to what he has just said to her.

"Oh. But, the day before yesterday, you were so angry. You thought I would … you thought I would try to, you know, with another man." Said usagi

Her eyes dart away uncomfortably as if they were being watched. Even though people stopped and watched thinking it was cute and romantic. Or just getting horny from it. For the first time he perceives how it must have felt for him to think that of her. How could he have believed that? usagi doesn't have it in her to be so faithless. And treat her and her friend oh so badly. How is he going to come back from what he's done?

"I know you wouldn't do that. It was unfair of me to think that you would. As I said, I trust you." Said kylo

"Between that, rescuing zoycite, and giving me all of yesterday to think, maybe I should reward you and invite you to dinner soon, Unless you don't want me to," said usagi

"No! I mean, yes, yes I want you to. OfcourseI want to spend time with you. I just … I do not need to be rewardedfor coming to your aid and we both know that I have not handled myself well these past few days. You owe me nothing. Wait until you are truly ready to see me." Said kylo

Perhaps by then he will have managed to come to terms with his beastly behavior. While he's been speaking her lips have parted in wonder. She pulls a hand from his neck and lightly presses the tips of her fingers against his cheek. Her eyes grow impossibly soft and warm. She's never looked at him like this before. Stars, he hates himself. She holds his gaze intensely as she goes on her toes. Then she kisses his cheek, pressing her hand against his face so that she's holding him fast against her lips. There's such tenderness in her kiss, it reaches deep inside and he shudders. He's never felt so cherishedand he tries to push away what he's done so that he may drown in this feeling.

For a fleeting moment, he manages to clutch her to him and simply feel her light and genuine affection before the guilt and regret again overtakes him. Her perfect lips linger against his cheek then she pulls back, threading her hand through his hair. He wants to let himself get lost in her touch, but he warrants none of this attention. She looks into his eyes while stroking her fingers along his scalp.

"Thank you, Kylo." Said usagi

usagi stepping back and walking towards zoycite. When she reaches her friend she turns to look over her shoulder. She catches his eyes and she smiles the sweetest smile he's ever seen. He watches as they disappear around the corner then he sags against the wall, his head hanging in defeat. He is wretched. He just volunteered to give himself blue balls. What the was he thinking,

kylo haunts his office like a ghost. He constantly checks to see if she's responded to his message about her friends. She must have received it by now. she'd left him in the hallway hours ago. Perhaps she is waiting for zoycite to leave. He winces at the thought of zoycite. He has the most peculiar urge to take a TIE and just fly. Could he not look at himself in the mirror, either?

Maker, he's losing his mind! Thinking about the Scoundrel and the Princess? He needs … he needs. he needs usagi. He needs to talk to her withher. He needs her light. He needs her forgiveness.

He checks again and finds that she's written back. He hesitates, his need for more of her, any little bit she'll give, at war with his overwhelming remorse. Finally, he opens it.

He's not accustomed to facing his actions. He makes his choices, does what is necessary, then moves on, never looking back. Trying so hard to never look back. But this … this had notbeen necessary. It was his madness embodied and he knows he has to do something. He doesn't trust himself to make the right choice about anything right now. But … maybe he couldtrust Vitok.

"Supreme Leader!" said vitok

Vitok in surprise as she answers her door. As she waved for draco to go to their chambers. Vitok kissed him and was very happy. He knew they gotten married today and usagi told her she had her blessing and did Loki, loki waves him inside as she hastily moves to pick up her helmet. But right now she was wondering how he has been doing.

"No, don't bother," said kylo

"Come, let's sit down." Said vitok

Vitok smiles at him kindly and it just makes him feel worse. As they walk to her seating area she grabs two glasses and a bottle of something wicked and brown. Vitok's quarters are compact, but she still has a couch and two chairs. There is a partition, walling off her bed from the rest of the room. She gestures for him to sit and he folds his long frame into the offered chair. She sits opposite him and pours two healthy glasses of the spirit. Vitok hands him his glass and clinks it with her own. Draco went to go do something.

"What are we drinking to?" asked vitok

"Regret," said kylo

"Ah … perhaps hard-won wisdom, instead?" asked vitok

"I did something spectacularly stupid." Said kylo

"Hmm." Hummed vitok

Vitok wondered what the stupid ass did now. He couldn't of messed up things any further. And now she is practically family to usagi since she married her son, but he needed to speak to someone who knows how stupid he was. Vitok knows kylo well. And he did something really dumb this time around and she was going to figure it out.

"No … not like I usually do … This time I did something unforgivable. Usagi has a friend, a stormtrooper who is a reincarnation of one of her silver knights." Said kylo

"The one that was with her during the, ah … incident?" asked vitok

"Yes. KS-2153, but her name is zoycite." Said kylo

The corner of his mouth lifts ever so slightly. Vitok knew of a reincarnated silver knight but the one who died because she betrayed usagi, she must be trying to work her way back up in ranks and show she is able to be loyal. She knew of her power training with the other silver knights so she can regain her former power. She needed to talk to draco more on stuff like this. Kylo sighed and knew that he needed to spill his guts.

"I do like that woman. After all she is my mother in law." Said vitok

"You barely know her." Said kylo

"Well, she has you chasing your tail, so it's hard not to like her on principle," said Vitok

Vitok raising her glass as if to toast the absent woman. Kylo congratulating Hebron her marriage. He thinks perhaps she is here, after a fashion. She's always with him. But he needed to know what to do. And he knows he can trust his knight with this and tell him what is the right thing to do. Kylo just feels like a royal asshole right now.

"Well, anyway. Yesterday … I found out that usagi had visited Wylan again." Said kylo

"Is it safe to assume that her firstvisit triggered your unscheduled test of hull integrity?" asked vitok

"Yes." Said kylo

"And how did you handle it the second time?" asked vitok

"Poorly." Said kylo

"I think I had gathered that. But what does this zoycite have to do with usagi visiting Wylan?" aasked vitok

" I … Force, Vitok … I'm so ashamed." Cried kylo

kylo places his drink on the low table between them and puts his face in his hands, his elbows on his knees. Vitok waits patiently, occasionally taking sips of her drink. She wondered what in the world he could of done, and why does it sound like something he deserved his ass kicked for. Vitok waited for him to finish. Its It's normally hard for him to speak about things. So she waited patiently.

"When I took usagi back to her quarters that day, she asked why I became so upset, why I … endangered the ship. I had to tell her that it was because I couldn't handle seeing her with Wylan." Said kylo

"Wait. You sawher? I thought you were on the bridge." Said vitok

"I had her under surveillance; I was watching her through the security feed." Said kylo

"Supreme Leader!" gasps vitok

"Kylo. Maker, Vitok, right now, call me Kylo." Said kylo

"Kylo, then. You were spying on her? After you had already violated her privacy by keeping her things?" scolded vitok

"I know, But I did tell her. And she said … she said she wouldn't ask me to stop because I would just find another way to get whatever I want." Said kylo

Vitok looks at him pointedly but doesn't say anything. She was slightly disappointed in her old friend. But he was speaking about it do that's good. And good he told her about this to usagi. But what else did he do that was stupid. Kylo sighed and if she was disappointed wait until she hears what he done stupid next. Draco came in and left as if he didn't want to interrupt whatever conversation that his wife and future step father was having.

"Anyway, I promised that I wouldn't spy any longer and I haven't." said kylo

"Alright. But you did something else." Said vitok

"Yes. Yesterday Jashad and Palek told me that they'd seen Rey visiting Wylan for a second time. I … I tried to control myself, I really did. But I had to know. I did everything I could think of I trained, meditated, other coping mechanisms, but nothing worked. I would close my eyes and see them touching, his hands all over her, her hands on hi-" said kylo

"Why would you think that? She doesn't even know him. When you lost control of yourself the other day she came running. I was there by the time she arrived. She was beside herself with worry. usagi was terrifiedthat something had happened to you. You were out for quite a while, so we talked. Don't worry; she didn't betray any of your confidences. She cares about you. She's given you no reason to doubt her like that. I told you, you must trust her." Said vitok

Kylo closes his eyes and grimaces in pain. Vitok sighed she has a bad feeling on what he had done this time. When he again glances at his old confidante he finds her eyes deep with worry. Kylo gulped this was hard to say. And it wasn't to the person who he has meant to tell it to. Most of all he might get punched or slapped. And damn it deserved what was coming for him, vitok saw the horror and worry on her old friend face. It seemed he done it this time to himself.

"I trust her. I do. I'm the one who can't be trusted." Said kylo

"What do you mean?" asked vitok

"Last night … well early this morning, I went to the stormtrooper barracks and had zoycite presented to me." Said kylo

"You didn't go behind her back and question her friend, did you?" asked vitok

"No … it was worse. So much worse," said kylo

"You didn't. Kylo, tell me you didn't!" said vitok

"I … yes. I made her show me." Said kylo

"And as soon as you confirmed that nothing happened between them, you stopped, right? Right?" asked vitok

"No. No … They were talking about me, she was telling zoycite how she feels about me! I had to know! She never tells me how she's feeling. I didn't think I'd ever get another chance to know!" said kylo

Vitok sits forward and her eyes flash as she slapped him so hard his head snapped. Yeah he was expecting that one. Vitok was not happy with him. While she glared at him for the stupid thing he had done. Vitok wanted to beat the freaking crap out of him. What the hell is wrong with this man. Does he ever listen to her when she gives him advice.

"That's up to her! They're her feelings! She isn't one of your knights. We signed up for this, she didn't." snapped vitok

"But she never tells me anything. Well … she hasn't until very recently." Said kylo

"What do you mean?" asked vitok

"That afternoon she told me she cares for me." Said kylo

"But that wasn't enough. She told you she cares for you a day after she found her things and you still weren't satisfied?" asked vitok

"I … I didn't think of it like that." Said kylo

"I'm extraordinarily disappointed in you." Snapped vitok

"Well I'm extraordinarily disappointed in myself!" cried kylo

He still can't quite believe he'd treated usagi friend with such carelessness, lost in his own frenzied need to know. Vitok knew he wasn't done doing stupid stuff. But what else was he going to do to fuck up this thing for him. This beautiful thing that he has in his hands. But he go and do stuff ,like this. She not happy right now, and deserves to be in the dog house much more longer than he is already was in.

"And what were your ill-gotten gains?" asked vitok

"She said … she said she thought she could love me." Said kylo

He clenches his eyes shut. He'd taken such treasured knowledge, a sacred hope he'd never been able to truly imagine. He has no right to knowing this and he's ensured that he could never be worthy of it. Vitok is silent so Kylo chances a look at her face. He's surprised to find pity.

"Was it worth it?" asked vitok

"No, Maker, no! I'd give anything to take it back. The way zoycite looked at me when she realized it wasn't the first time I'd done it …" said kylo

"What? You did this twice?" asked Vitok

"I … the first day she wouldn't see me." Mumbled kylo

"You did this after we talked about showing her you'd give her time? Prove she had some control in this impossible situation?" asked vitok

"Yes," whispers kylo

Vitok stands and walks to her viewscreen. She's silent and her hands are at her hips. She turns to him and opens her mouth as if to speak, then her jaw snaps shut and she looks back at the stars. Finally she takes a deep breath and comes to sit back down. She picks up her drink and pounds it, then refills her glass. She looks at Kylo's near-empty glass and tops his off as well. She looks at him for a long time before asking,

"Why did you come to me tonight?" asked vitok

"I obviously can't trust my own judgement. I had hoped you would know what I should do. I can't believe that I did that to her. I don't know how to control myself when it comes to usagi." Said kylo

"Why?" asked vitok

"Why? I don't understand." Said kylo

"What is it about usagi that makes you behave like this?" asked vitok

"I … I don't know. I get so afraid, desperate. At first it was just because I needed her so badly, but then … then I realized I love her and … I can't think clearly. I lose all perspective; imagine things that would never happen. I know Rey wouldn't throw herself at Wylan, I know it. I just want to give her everything but she pushes me away so I try something else. But then that doesn't work. I'm so close to having everything I've ever wanted and it feels like I've ruined it. I always ruin it," cried kylo

"Have you considered letting her go?" asked vitok

"No! No, never. I won't. I can't." cried kylo

"Not for me. Regardless, we are Bound. I'm hers. She's mine. It's the will of the Force and fate." Said kylo

"Well then. I guess we have to work from here." Said vitok

"What do I do? Tell me how to be free of this awful shame. I can't function!" said kylo

"The simple answer is you just deal with it. You did something egregious, you know you did, you feel guilty for it, as you should. You could tell her perhaps she would forgive you." Said vitok

Fear courses through him at the idea of telling usagi what he's done. He can almost feel her heart close to him forever. That is not a option, vitok knows usagi well enough now to know that this will upset her. But kylo has to learn that there will be issues between them if he does not learn how to control himself. Plus she was not going to forget this. Kylo was just being stupid and will destroy this beautiful thing that he has infront of him,

"How could she possibly? I ripped into zoycite mind because I didn't trust her afterI promised her I wouldn't spy, after she found my treasures, after I … found her. It's just a giant tower of me failing her, hurting her. I haven't even told you everything." Said kylo

"There's more?" asked vitok

"zoycite … I made her betray usagi trust. Just differently from what she did before. usagi doesn't trust very easy. i don't think she would have talked to her if zoycite wasn't her only friend here. Or her former knight who is trying to gain her title back. But she's been through so much in such a short amount of time and much longer. Her mother that my uncle forced her to be reborn to… my behavior. She asked zoycite if she could trust her and not twelve hours later I was pawing through her memories, forcing her to break those confidences. I was so upset, I hurt zoycite. I had to spend nearly an hour repairing her mind. I was … I was brutal. So not only did I go back on my word, prove usagi right, I also hurt her friend. I made zoycite betray her." Said kylo

his words tumble out quickly, he doesn't know how else to admit to how he'd traumatized the loyal stormtrooper. The silence stretches as Vitok says nothing. She looks at her drink and Kylo knows he's lost some of Vitok's respect. He's kept everyone at arms length for such a long time, it shouldn't matter to him what Vitok thinks of him. But it does Finally, she says quietly,

"I think who you truly wronged is zoycite. Yes, you should have trusted usagi, you did break your promise, but it's zoycite you hurt." Said vitok

"How do I fix this?" asked kylo

"You can't. All you can do is never do it again." Said vitok

"But … How do I get rid of these consuming feelings?" asked kylo

"You don't. You have to live with them. Look, you really screwed up. You refuse to tell usagi. So you live with it and you do better." Said vitok

"I just … I just want to make it up to her." Said kylo

Draco came in and punched kylo since he had heard of what he was talking about, but now kylo leaves. He understands what he has to do now, he knows he didn't wrong usagi. He just wronged zoycite. So now he has to go and think on his next move. Plus he deserved the slap and punch for the shit he pulled.

Meanwhile with kylo

Kylo is back in his quarters, He's desperate to talk to her. But he still has no idea what to say. Talking with Vitok had helped, even if he doesn't really have any better sense of what he should do. Confessing what he did made it all feel less oppressive. Someday he'll admit his actions to usagi. He doesn't want it between them forever. But for now he will focus on the First Order and know that giving her space is how he can quietly atone for what he did. He thinks about the unexpected gift of her touch today. He knows he deserves none of what he'd received. She thinks he's been being honorable, respecting her wishes. She'd wanted to reward him. In fact, she often touches him after he's done something she wants. She'd touched his face when he'd offered to take her to Vren, kissed his cheek when he'd removed his helmet, held his hands after he'd agreed to remove the guards from her door … He's not sure what it means, but it unsettles him.

He despises the guilt seeing her has stoked. Time with usagi should be pure, but he's tainted it. She was supposed to fix it. Being with her was meant to quiet the endless whispering torment that bites and tears at the edges of his soul. But today, he'd only been able to find a fleeting moment of her bliss. He supposes that at least she had told him about her second visit to Wylan, and that the knight had behaved badly. Now he is allowed to know. He could go to medical and have a little conversation with the contemptible man, but he's certain he would at the very least hurt him. If Wylan taunted him about usagi, he'd likely kill him. No, he needs to pretend that Wylan is systems away. Though usagi now strongly dislikes him, Kylo knows she would not wish him to handle Wylan as he dearly wants to.

She'd been glorious in her fury, certain that Kylo would defend her if he knew of Wylan's behavior. She'd grown quite offended at the way Wylan spoke of him. She'd talked as if he mattered to her. He wishes, fiercely, that he had been patient, waited for her to speak of her feelings. Plus szayel and mayuri had fun with him for him. He sighs and remembers how lovely usagi had looked in that stunning red dress. Perhaps, when she agrees to start seeing him again, he might ask her to wear it for him?

To be continued