Remus had been in the same position for… he didn't know how many hours. The room had gotten dark around him quite some time ago. He felt it pressing in on him, begging him to move. To do what he needed to find a light. Still, he did not get up.

If he stood up, if he moved, there was only one place he was going. It was a place he did not wish to return to, even while he desperately longed to be there again.

So he sat.

He sat until the precise moment he couldn't sit any longer.

As soon as he was on his feet, he was out the door. A second later a loud crack rang through the empty flat.

He was in an alleyway outside a familiar bar. He knew what was waiting for him inside and he thought about how it would feel to have the acrid smoke coat his lungs. To feel it in his body. He could think of nothing in the world that he wanted more in that moment. He turned on the spot, another loud crack drawing the attention of muggles on the street to the now empty alley.

He stood at the end of the small cul-de-sac in Godric's Hollow, staring at his friends front door. He didn't want to wake them. It was so late, and strangers in the night were an alarming prospect when you're in hiding from a homicidal monster. He probably shouldn't have even apparated there. That noise alone might have been cause for panic. He was a terrible friend. He should just leave them be.

He stepped forward and knocked on the door.

Not long after, a bleary eyed but alert James opened it up and stared hard. He gestured for Remus to come in. He obliged, James shutting the door quickly behind him. As soon as the door was closed, he rounded on Remus, stepping in close and staring him right in the eyes.

"Are you high? Drunk? What's going on Remus?" he asked anxiously.

"No, I'm fine, really. Hey-" he raised his hands defensively at James' doubtful look, "I swear to you, I am completely sober."

James hesitated a moment before stepping back and breathing a sigh of relief.

"In that case, good to see you, Moony," he said tiredly as he walked over to the kitchen and opened the fridge door. "Do you want something to drink? We have water, tea, be-" he closed the fridge door suddenly, standing up very straight. "We have water or tea."

Remus looked at him, amused. "Were you about to offer me a beer?"

"No?" he said shiftily. "Because that would be incredibly stupid. Also we don't even have any alcohol in this house anyway so don't you look foolish," James accused.

"It's fine Prongs, I don't expect everyone I know to be sober just because I have to be. Besides, the shitty light beer you drink isn't tempting even to me, and I've done lines off of toilet seats at clubs, so my standards aren't high. If you want to offer me a fifth of whiskey or some cocaine this might be a different conversation."

"You're getting very judgey for someone who just showed up on my doorstep at two in the morning."

"I'm sorry," Remus said sheepishly. "Did I wake Lily?"

"No. Ever since the baby she can sleep through anything. I think all that waking up in the middle of the night to crying sort of broke something inside of her, now nothing short of the howls of an infant can rouse her. I'm incredibly jealous."

"Oh, that's good then," said Remus as he took a seat at the kitchen table.

It wasn't true. She'd woken up right along with him as soon as they heard the cracking sound. When they'd looked out the window and seen Remus they thought that if he was in trouble he'd be less overwhelmed with just one of them. James insisted he'd come get her if there were any problems.

"So, what are you doing here? Not that you're not always welcome to pop by."

Remus paused a beat. "Sirius is away on-"

"- a mission. Right," finished James with a sigh. Sirius had told him he was worried about this.

It was not ideal. It had only been a week and half since Remus had come home after going through withdrawal. It was sooner than either of them was comfortable with. He still didn't feel particularly healthy and Sirius didn't want to leave him alone, but the mission was the mission. Remus understood that better than anyone. He'd insisted he'd be back in time for the full moon, which they were both dreading more than usual.

He'd been occupying his days since getting clean by furiously cleaning and reorganizing the flat. When he got sick of that, he would go for long walks all around the city. A few days he'd stopped in with James and Lily, got lunch with Marlene. Anything to keep busy. At night he had Sirius. He thought he'd be okay alone. He really thought he could do it. He couldn't even make it one fucking night.

"It's just… hard. I worry about him. Usually when he's not around I- well, I find other ways to occupy my time," he said ashamedly.

"Yeah, okay," said James, leaning back against the kitchen bench. "I hate when he goes on missions. You too, actually. Ever since I stopped being able to. I hate feeling so useless. Wondering if this time-" he stopped abruptly, turning to poor the tea into the pretty china cups he'd inherited form his parents.

He didn't need to finish the thought. Remus knew exactly what he meant. What he was afraid of.

"I almost didn't come here," he admitted quietly.

James took the two piping hot cups of tea and placed them on the table before sitting down across from Remus. "I'm glad you did."

They sat for a while, Remus staring down at his drink, watching the steam rise and swirl gently though the air just above the cup.

"I can feel you staring, Prongs. Just say what you want to say. It's fine."

James forced a tight smile. He did want to talk, but he wasn't convinced that Remus was up for this particular conversation just yet. Still, if he said so.

"I've been reading some of those books Lily borrowed out. Trying to understand a bit better. I've… I've been kind of a shit friend. No-" he said, holding up a hand to stop Remus interrupting, "-we don't have to get into all that now. That's not actually what I want to ask you about." He paused, considering his words. "One of the books talked about how the detox and all that was really only the first part of it. There's a lot of other stuff that comes afterwards. Things that can be a lot harder to deal with."

"I don't know that you'd be calling anything harder if you knew what withdrawal feels like," said Remus in a pained voice.

"I don't know, I'm hardly speaking from experience here. It talks a lot about… about how in those first weeks and months people in… your situation, well," "-Spit it out, Prongs-" "they try to hurt themselves. People who've just started recovery are at high risk for suicide attempts. According to the books," he said awkwardly.

Remus stiffened visibly. He felt that familiar feeling wash over him, like he was dreaming. Like he wasn't quite there in the real world anymore."Those books are just a guideline James, not everything that's in them necessarily applies to me," he said a little airily, focusing on the feel of the cool tabletop underneath his fingers.

"So, you're saying you wouldn't do something like that?" asked James pointedly.

"I- I," he sputtered out. "Why are you- I can't… he told you, didn't he," finished Remus at last, seeming to deflate a little where he sat.

"Not exactly. He told me a bit, I figured out the rest. Don't be upset with him. He kept it to himself a long time."

"I'm not upset with him," he said quietly. "It's not going to happen again. I don't know what he told you but I was drunk, and high, and that's exactly what I'm trying not to be now so if anything the risk is lower than-"

"Moony just shut up for a second," interrupted James. Remus complied. "You don't have to explain yourself. I get it, okay? I really do."

Remus tilted his head slightly. "What are you saying?"

"I never really talked about this with anyone, but things got a little dark right after my parents… you know. Everything was already messed up and then we found out we might be targeted by Voldemort himself and I kind of fell apart. Well, you were there," he said a little sheepishly, as if he were embarrassed by his completely understandable breakdown. "I've seen it, what happens to people he goes after. I've witnessed that horror show. That's when there's even anything left to see. I just kept getting these flashes popping into my head. All day, every day. Lily, the baby, all of you. I couldn't stop seeing it. It's hard to explain. It's like it wasn't even my thoughts. Like someone else was putting them into my head, but I couldn't get away from it. It's a lot better now but it still happens sometimes. Do you- do you ever get that?"

Remus nodded tentatively. "Yeah. Yeah, I do."

James looked a little relieved, like he'd expected Remus to tell him he was crazy.

"It's not so bad now, but at the time, I just felt like the world was ending. For a little while… there's like a whole month or two in there that's just a fog. I remember one day I was trying to cook something and I couldn't concentrate on anything and I accidentally cut myself and it hurt like hell but it was the first time in what felt like forever that I felt anything other than fear. So I…" he paused. "So I did it again. And it was so easy I thought, maybe, if I just did it one more time in the right place, I wouldn't have to be around to see it. To see what he was going to do to everyone I loved. Then Lily came downstairs and saw that I was bleeding and I loathed myself for thinking even for a second that I could leave her."

"Fucking hell, James," Remus breathed. "I had no idea…"

"Yeah. I don't think I stepped foot in the kitchen again for weeks. Longer, even. I never talked about it with Lily but you know, she always knows. Watched me like hawk until I finally started to snap out of it." He held up his left hand, palm facing towards Remus. For the first time he noticed there were two thin white scars. One smaller, and the other a larger slash. They were hard to see. Lily must have done a good job healing them. "Not quite a match for your collection, but it's what I've got."

"I'm sorry I wasn't paying more attention. I should've noticed-"

"Are you kidding? You and the others were over here practically every day checking up on me. You have no idea how much you helped. It's not your fault you're not a mind reader. Besides," he added softly, "it's not like I'm not guilty of not seeing, not wanting to see- even in school, I worried but I never asked-"

"-I think we can just stop with the apologies," said Remus uncomfortably. In school? Maybe James wasn't as clueless as he sometimes seemed.

"Yeah, okay. Point is, I know the feeling."

"I can't believe Sirius never said anything about this," said Remus more to himself than anything.

James let out a sudden, short laugh. "Why do you assume Sirius knows anything about this?" he asked incredulously.

"I don't know. You two talk about everything. Sometimes I think the only reason you're not married to him is because you're straight," said Remus, only half teasing.

"Don't be gross, he's like my brother. Besides I'm not after your sloppy seconds," he said with grimace. "Look, I love Sirius, and granted we're both sharers at heart, but come on. He's had a lot of shit in his life, a lot of pain, but he likes to make it everyone else's problem. To take it out on the world, never himself. He thinks anything else is weak. I know you know what I'm talking about."

Remus sighed sadly. "Yeah, I do. But he's really trying to understand now."

"He is. I just wasn't in the mood to explain it to him at the time. He would've tried his best, I'm sure of it. I still would've know, deep down, no matter how much he tried to hide it, he would have thought I was pathetic. I just didn't want to deal with that. Things were bad enough."

"Do you ever still feel like that? Like you felt back then?" asked Remus, hating himself for the part of him that wanted James to say yes. To tell him they were the same.

"No," said James, almost apologetically. "After a while the fog cleared. I got better at letting the thoughts go and the worst of it just sort of resolved itself. Still scared shitless literally all the time, but when my brain starts to freak out too much I just breath and picture Lily and Harry in my mind and it passes." A beat. "So, how about you? Do you still feel like that?"

"I really don't want to think about it," Remus said very softly, starting to feel a little numb in his extremities. Like he was floating just a tiny bit outside of his body.

"Yeah, see that's what I'm worried about. I'm not going to pretend to really get this whole thing you've got going on with your addiction," he said, not quite able to hide his discomfort at the word. "Being numb was half the problem for me, I can't imagine how numbing yourself more could possibly help. But you've obviously been doing everything in your power not to have to think. Or feel. I guess I'm a little concerned about what might happen now that you're not..." James twirled his hand a little in the air, as if he was trying to call forth a tactful euphemism.

"Burying my feelings under a fuckton of booze and narcotics?" Remus supplied.

"Yeah. That."

Remus sipped at his drink. It was bitter. James never did master how to properly brew tea. He put the cup back down.

"Nothing's going to happen. I wouldn't do that to you. To any of you. Last time- I wasn't in control. I don't even remember most of it, and I'm clean now. It's not a problem," he assured James, hoping to never have this conversation again. With anyone.

"You didn't answer my question," said James worriedly.

"What?"

"I asked if you still feel like you might want to. You didn't answer the question."

"I…" Remus mulled it over, trying to find a way out but realizing James was not letting this one go. "Sometimes."

"Sometimes?"

"Not now. Right now, if there were heroin in this room, I wouldn't hesitate for even a second to take it. I really mean that. I'd do it right in front of you. This whole thing we're doing right now, this conversation? The only reason I can even handle this is because I half checked out of reality the second you brought the topic up. I'm not going to pretend I'm having a great time. But I don't want to hurt myself, Prongs, I want to learn how to live with myself," he said honestly. "At least that's how I feel today. It's so all over the place right now, I don't know what the fuck I'm going to feel tomorrow."

James furrowed his brow. He was glad Remus was talking to him, even if he did just say some pretty concerning things. It was the biggest change since he'd decided to get clean. In just a couple of weeks, he'd probably been more open and talkative about his problems than in the last couple of years combined. It might have taken extreme circumstances, but now that it was all out in the open, he didn't seem inclined to start hiding again.

"Alright. Fair enough."

After a second James stood up and walked over to a cupboard. He opened it up and rummaged around for a while. When he returned, he placed a game of Wizards Chess on the table.

"Don't you want to get back to bed?" asked Remus.

"Nah. Not like I have to be up for work anymore."

Remus nodded as he reached forward to start setting the board.