Inuyasha opened his eyes against their will. They were swollen and irritated to the point of aching, and opening them did him no favors.
He was human, and fear had jolted him awake like a reflex. He'd cried himself to sleep, and prayed he'd sleep through the moonless night. It didn't surprise him that it hadn't worked. He never slept on moonless nights. He'd tried, after meeting Kagome, but it never worked. Too many years of fear, and fending for himself had trained his body to fight the human need.
He sat forward on the branch he'd chosen as refuge, and cursed the still dark night. Morning was still some time away, and he was unable to leave in his condition without Shippo as a guide. Or a guard. He wanted to return to his hut, but after his fight with Shippo weeks ago, he couldn't think straight and he had yet to return.
And the jewel was only making it harder.
It spoke to him-called to his demon side-things unintelligible, and tempting, and mocking, and hateful. Luckily, with Tetsusaiga on his hip, he couldn't turn and the human side of him was able to resist the jewels call. It didn't make withstanding its disturbing, voiceless whispers any easier, though. And many times, he felt himself spiraling into grief or rage over his own pitiful existence.
He missed Shippo.
And he missed Kagome. He missed her so much he couldn't bear it.
When he'd turned after the sun had set, he wept openly for her for the first time in a year. He even considered the kit's words, suggesting they take it to the well. It was possible it could open if he had a shard. His beads of subjugation had always been his means of travel through the well. When she broke them, and took the only shard they had, he hadn't been able to pass. Maybe he could if he had a shard?
The thought of seeing her cut his heart like a knife. Squeezed it painfully.
He still wanted her. Even after she betrayed him, he wanted her. He wanted nothing else.
Still, the thought of seeing her filled him with helpless rage-a loathing he couldn't stomach. He was afraid of her. Afraid of her wrath. Her rejection, or worse-seeing her unmoved. Uncaring in his presence. Afraid of seeing her happy, and it having nothing to do with his arrival.
Shed probably moved on. Moved away. Married. Had little, ugly brats with some sick human who had idea how to protect her, or fuck her, or love her.
He loved her. Only he deserved her. More than anyone could hope to. And he despised her for taking herself away from him.
No. He would not be going to the well. He never wanted to see her again.
He needed to hide the jewel. He couldn't keep it on his person anymore. It was driving him insane.
He decided to hide it and then return to the hut. The nights were colder now. He'd need to stay closer for the winter, and take shelter on his human nights. The night air was already much colder than he'd realized. He was shivering in the tree enough to alert an animal or demon of his presence.
He didn't bother fighting it, though, and he welcomed the pain of the frigid night air. He was deserving of any and all suffering that came to him.