Chapter 24 – Scurvy and Time Turners

I finish my last slice of pizza and sit back with a sigh. "Thanks for bringing that round."

Esme smiles at me across the table and shakes her head. "If I'd seen the number of pizza boxes in your recycling I might not have done it!"

I give her a wry smile. "Yeah, the supply of sympathy casseroles has kind of run dry."

"Well, that's something that's going to have to change," Esme says briskly, stacking the plates and tipping the kids' abandoned crusts into the garbage can. "You and the children have to start eating better before you all come down with scurvy."

"Pirates get scurvy," Daisy says. "Because they don't have oranges on pirate ships. It makes your teeth fall out and your eyes pop out…are we really going to get scurvy? I eat a gummy vitamin every day."

"You won't get scurvy if you eat pizza," I say. "Sauce is made from tomatoes and there's plenty of vitamin C in that. Calcium in the cheese, protein in the meat…it's practically a health food."

"Now that's a reach if ever I heard one!" Esme says. "Hopefully once Angela starts you'll be able to do a bit better."

"I'm trying," I say a little defensively. "You might have noticed that I'm drinking milk here, and not beer – doesn't that count for something?" I grab a face washer and start wiping kids' faces.

"So it's all set then?" Carlisle says, diverting the conversation. "Esme said things went well with Angela and she's happy to start next week. What did you think, kids?"

Daisy swats my hands away. "I can wipe my own face, Daddy, and that face washer is gross." She takes a napkin and delicately pats her mouth. "I think Angela was really nice. She likes Harry Potter too…she's a Hufflepuff."

Mac ducks away from the face washer. "She's not Mommy."

"She's not supposed to be Mommy," I say, trapping his head in the crook of my elbow and ruthlessly scrubbing the pizza sauce off his face.

"Angela isn't trying to take Mommy's place," Esme says more gently. "No one can do that. But Daddy can't take care of all of you by himself, and go to work at the same time."

"Do you have to go to work?" Mac scowls.

"I have to earn a crust," I say cheerfully. "All this scurvy-causing pizza costs money you know." I swipe the face washer over Noah's face. "Maybe once I'm back at work and making some money we can look at giving you guys an allowance or something? Now that you're big school boys."

Noah smiles at me anxiously. "That's okay. I think that lady was nice."

I rumple his fair hair affectionately. "I think you'll all like Angela once you get to know her. Your auntie Bella says she's great, and she's a pretty good judge of character. Now, you three need to go and put on your pyjamas…off you go."

Daisy, Mac and Noah scramble down from the table and thunder upstairs, and I wipe pizza sauce out of Bram's ear and pick a shred of cheese out of his hair. "You need a bath my little dude."

"I'll go and run one," Esme says, and leaves for the bathroom.

"Have you spoken to Jonah about starting back at work?" Carlisle asks.

I clean the worst of the mess off Zeke's face and hands. "Yeah, he hasn't given away my space or anything – he's really keen for me to get back to it. Probably sick of dealing with my apprentice too, to be honest! I've been emailing with a few of the clients on my waitlist recently, doing some sketches, and I should be able to set up a couple of appointments for next week. But I don't want to just dump the kids on a stranger and run, so I'm not rushing too much." I lift Zeke out of the highchair and start peeling off his clothes.

Carlisle takes Bram from the other highchair. "The little ones will be fine with Angela. Esme spoke to her references, the families she nannied for, and they had nothing but glowing reports of her."

I blow a raspberry on Zeke's bare belly. "Go find Grandma!" I say to him. "Go to the bathroom, go on."

He toddles off giggling, and Carlisle slips Bram's diaper off and sends him after his brother.

"I'm sure Angela will be great," I say, gathering up the dirty clothes. "I wouldn't have agreed to this if I thought any different. But they're all still babies and they can't even talk and…I know it'll be fine, but it's not that easy to trust someone who is essentially a stranger. I know I used to know her at high school, but that was a pretty damn long time ago."

"I know you've been badly let down by people in the past," Carlisle says. "Your background doesn't lend itself to trusting very easily. But I'm about as sure as I can be that Angela will be an excellent caregiver."

"Yeah…" I stare down at the toddler clothes in my hand, feeling another drowning tsunami of grief bearing down on me. "And I'm really glad that we've got it all sorted out. But it's still…it's not…I can't help but wish that it wasn't necessary, you know? It tears me apart to think that they don't have their mama, and creating this life that doesn't include her just feels…wrong…" The words choke me.

Carlisle wraps his arms around me. "It's all right, Emmett," he says softly. "It's all right."

"I'm sorry. I know I have to stop doing this…I can't keep on bawling my eyes out and refusing to face reality…but I miss her so much." My voice is muffled against Carlisle's shoulder.

"It's all right," Carlisle says again. "I know how difficult it all is, but you're doing the best you can and you're doing fine. You shouldn't be too hard on yourself. It's just going to take time."

Time…yeah, great. It's all very well and good to say it will get easier in time, but that doesn't feel like it's helping me get through now.

But what else can I do but take a shuddering breath, wipe my eyes, and get on with the evening routine? The children need to be bathed and helped to clean their teeth, and then Daisy does her spelling homework while Noah reads aloud to me. Daisy gives Holly a bottle while I spend a torturous twenty minutes encouraging, coaxing, and cajoling Mac through his own reading homework. Bram and Zeke empty the toybox all over the living room while I get Mac and Noah settled in bed listening to their bedtime story podcast. Daisy has a shower while Holly cries in the swing and I grit my teeth and try and get Bram and Zeke to wind down enough to stay on their mattress and go to sleep. Eventually I give up and leave them blowing raspberries and spitting at each other and laughing, so I can go and tend to Holly, who I discover is crying because she's had a diaper blowout that has somehow managed to get down to her knees and half way up her back, and leaked through her sleeper all over the swing.

"Impressive," I say with a sigh. "But your timing could be refined."

I gingerly peel off her clothes and leave everything in a stinking, shit-stained mess in the swing while I clean her off as best as I can with the wipes before I carry her into the bathroom where Daisy is singing happily in the shower.

"Sorry little bug, but can I stick your sister in there for a second?" Holding Holly under her armpits I reach into the shower and hold her under the water. "If you could just wipe the poop off her leg, that would be great."

"Daddy, that's so gross!" Daisy shrieks, but she obligingly helps wash Holly. I jiggle the baby around to shake off the excess water and then wrap her in a towel, passing another one to Daisy.

"Thanks kiddo. Get dried off while I sort Holly out and then it'll be bedtime for you too."

I get Holly dried and then take her to her room for some fresh clothes. Next door Bram and Zeke have calmed down and are lying together by the baby gate to the hallway, Zeke chewing on the ear of the stuffed cat while Bram holds the tail and makes a droning humming noise. Next on the agenda should be reading Harry Potter with Daisy but the swing full of dirty clothes is making the whole house smell like shit so with a grimace and few muttered curse words I carry Holly upstairs and lie her on Daisy's bed.

"Sorry little bug, I'm just going to be a few more minutes," I say apologetically. "I've got to clean up that mess in the living room…I'll be back in just a second."

Daisy looks impatient, but I run downstairs and yank the cover off the swing and then bundle everything up and bolt down to the laundry to rinse it all off and get a load of laundry going. I take a moment to go and move the now sleeping Bram and Zeke to their mattress and straighten up their sleep sacks before opening the living room window to air out the house, then grabbing the iPad, climbing the stairs, and collapsing onto Daisy's bed.

This would be so much easier with another person.

"I'm sorry you had to wait," I say tiredly, snuggling both her and Holly into the curve of my arm and handing her the iPad.

"I always have to wait," Daisy says, resting her head against my shoulder and opening the audio book app.

I feel a stab of guilt, because she's not wrong. Six kids mean needs have to be prioritised, and as the oldest Daisy is too often last on the list. "I really am sorry," I say. "I know it's not fair. But I'm really glad you waited for me because I want to know what happens next in Harry Potter!"

"It's okay really," Daisy says. "I know you can't really just leave the babies to do whatever they want. And that poop smell was really disgusting."

I kiss her forehead. "It really was! And you're an absolute champion little bug – you have been such a big help and been so good about everything, I'm so lucky to have you around. I love you so much."

"I love you too." Daisy kisses my nose.

"It should be a little bit easier once Angela starts," I tell her. "Then she'll be able to help with the boys' bedtime and hopefully you won't always get stuck waiting or being the one who has to help with everything."

I brush her damp hair back from her forehead. In the past couple of months Daisy has matured beyond her years, but she's still a little kid and I don't want her to lose any more of her childhood than she already has. "Come on now though, let's get on with this book…I want to find out how many points Harry's going to lose for Gryffindor tonight."

Daisy connects to the Bluetooth speakers and the two of us settle back as Stephen Fry's voice drifts through the room. Holly lies between us, placidly holding on to my fingers and chewing on my thumb, staring mesmerised at the shifting, flickering patterns of light playing over the ceiling and walls from Daisy's projection lamp. For the first time all day, I feel myself really relaxing.

Thank god for audiobooks. My attempts to replace Rosalie as Daisy's Harry Potter reading partner had been a dismal failure that had left both of us miserable. I hated reading aloud, she hated my halting, monotone delivery, both of us hated that Rosalie wasn't here to do it properly…giving up and downloading the audio file had been the best thing I could have done. Instead of dreading the chore I now look forward to our nightly story time together, and have been getting really into the story and the chance it gives me to chat and check in with Daisy every day.

"I think my Patronus would be a narwhal," Daisy says, after reluctantly stopping the story for the night. "They're the unicorns of the sea…what do you think yours would be?"

"A miniature donkey. Like Clementine." I swish an imaginary wand.

"That would be so funny!" Daisy laughs, but then the smile drops off her face and she says wistfully. "I wish…wouldn't it be good to have a time-turner? So we could go back in time and see Mom again."

Aww Daisy…if only.

"When would you go back to?" Daisy asks quietly.

The bottomless well of loneliness and grief yawns ahead of me, and I know that even thinking about this is a dangerous game, but… "Halloween," I say, closing my eyes as my mouth curves up in a smile. The last night. "I'd go back to last Halloween, when we all went out trick or treating."

"Oh, that was so much fun! I love Halloween." Daisy tickles her sister's cheek and chews her lip. "But we didn't have Holly then."

"Well, not on the outside. But she was there." I remember Rosalie's distended pregnant belly, and the feel of the baby moving under the taut skin. "What about you, little bug? Where is the time turner taking you?"

"I don't know," Daisy says with a sign. "Halloween was good, and I really loved our vacation to the beach last summer. I wish I could go back to one of those times, when Mommy was here and when you weren't always so sad all the time."

Oh, little bug. I'm sorry. I tighten my arm around her, and eventually manage to say, "I'm not sad all the time…I'm not sad right now; I love listening to Harry Potter with you."

"But you're not happy like you used to be."

"I miss your mom," I say honestly. "I miss her all the time. And without Mom here to help I can't just be a giant goofball all the time, because looking after all you kids properly is important and I have to take it seriously! But I'm okay little bug, and I really don't want you to worry about me."

Daisy pulls aside the neck of my t-shirt and touches the edge of the roses tattooed over my heart. "I really miss Mom too. If I had a time turner I probably wouldn't even pick anything super special like a holiday…I'd just go back to a regular day when she was here. You know, so she could do my hair and read my book with me and I could just talk to her."

I touch the roses too, my fingertips brushing against hers. "That would be really nice. Was there anything in particular you wanted to talk to Mom about?" I ask, doing my best to sound casual.

"Just girl stuff." Daisy shrugs.

"You can talk to me about girl stuff if you want to," I offer. "I'm not a girl, but I've lived with girls for a long time…I might know something. Or else I can help you figure stuff out."

Daisy laughs half-heartedly. "I know you would try. But some things…like what about when I need a bra?"

"Well, you probably don't have to worry about that quite yet," I say diplomatically. Daisy's so skinny there's less to her chest than Mac and Noah have. "But whenever you decide you want to wear one I can take you to the store, or go online, and buy you one. I've never worn a bra myself, but your mom wore them every day and so I know a little bit about them!" I wait until she giggles before saying, "But if you'd rather go bra shopping as a girls' activity I'm sure Grandma or Alice would love to help you out."

"Okay." Daisy nods. "I don't want to wear a bra now or anything. But I was just thinking about it because we had that special girls' assembly at school. About puberty and periods and everything?"

"Oh yeah, I remember signing the permission slip for that. Did you learn anything?"

"Not really, because you and Mom already told me and I have that book, and when Mom was pregnant she showed me those videos of ladies having babies so I know how they're born. But they said about how you might get your first period early or late or whatever, like your mom did. And I can't ask…"

"But I know that one!" I say triumphantly, like it's a trivia quiz, adding in response to Daisy's incredulous look. "I do! When we were trying to have a baby your mom had to tell the doctors all about her periods, so I know that she had her first one when she was twelve. But if it's a genetic thing, you probably want to know about Alice anyway – I don't know about her. She'll be happy to tell you if you ask, or I'll ask her for you if you want."

"Oh." Daisy looks surprised, and then gives me a shy smile. "Well, I guess you do know about girl stuff. A bit."

I laugh and kiss her forehead. "I try. I'm not as good as your mom, but…I'm trying. And we're doing okay really, don't you think? I mean, everyone gets to school and gymnastics more or less on time, and Holly's up to date on her shots and growing like a weed. And despite what Grandma says, no one has scurvy or rickets or whatever else it is that you get from living off pizza and beer," I finish.

Daisy giggles again. "I think we're doing good."

"We are." I get to my feet, picking up Holly and the iPad in one hand and using the other to straighten Daisy's quilt. "We're doing just fine."

And despite everything, despite the pain and the loss and the never-ending grief…the words carry the glimmer of truth. We're doing okay.