CHAPTER TWENTY
Remus stifled a growl of frustration as he slammed the door to Tonks's private room in Umbridge's face, not bothering to look back over his shoulder to see the old witch's stunned expression. He could tell by the unusually somber look on Professor Dumbledore's face that there would be seven shades of hell to pay for the words he'd dared to utter in retaliation against Umbridge, but he would deal with that later.
"I do hope you're quite pleased with yourself, Remus John Lupin," grumbled Professor Dumbledore from the chair that he was now seated in, the very same that Dolores Umbridge had sat in, sounding uncharacteristically annoyed with the way Remus had chosen to respond in kind to Umbridge. "A fine mess you have created for yourself, Remus, by losing your temper and speaking to the Senior Undersecretary for the Minister of Magic. Dolores Jane Umbridge is going to remember your words, Lupin. I take it that I need not remind you the Madame Undersecretary can make your life a literal living nightmare if you are not careful? I would have expected that kind of rash behavior from James or Sirius, perhaps, but from you, I'd have thought you would have kept a more level head about you, Remus," Albus protested wildly.
Professor Dumbledore heaved an exasperated sigh as he watched the poor young witch in the bed practically tremble in fear over what had just happened to her, and no doubt, at seeing her new partner's temper implode.
Albus detected copious amounts of unbridled fear and uncertainty and confusion in the young witch's steely gray eyes, and clearly, it was evident that Nymphadora Tonks had no idea what to make of Remus Lupin's protectiveness. The old wizard's cobalt orbs darkened to a cerulean hue in color as they grew painfully sad and he raised one of his lined and withered hands to ghost over the features of his tired face and stroke his beard in contemplative thought.
He could tell by Nymphadora Tonks's body language, the way she was attempting to retreat within herself, knees brought close to her chest and arms wrapped around her knees, and how she could not seem to look him in the eyes, that the vibrant young Auror was not the same woman as she had been.
Tonks bit her tongue, trying to hold back the tears that threatened to leave her eyes. And that was when she could no longer hold them at bay. First, one small crystal bead escaped from her right eye. She could feel its warmth, sliding down her pale cheek and rolling off her chin. And another.
Another. And another. Until her eyes practically flooded with them, coming like a rainfall. Every ten seconds they fall out of stress, and she let them.
Lupin growled in anger, adrenaline still surging through his veins as the memory of barging into Tonks's room and finding the Undersecretary for the Minister of Magic himself attempting to strangle Nymphadora by use of her own wand—in St. Mungo's!
"Oh, I hope so, Headmaster! If she forgets, then I'll just have to remind her again, won't I, Professor?" he snapped, not in the mood for another lecture on his behavior the last few nights. "How dare she lay a hand against Tonks?! St. Mungo's is meant to be a place of healing, not violence and murder! Is no place sacred anymore?!" he yelled, seizing tufts of his hair and tugging on them in anguish, as he continued his restless pacing, growling, and throwing scathing, venomous looks at the door.
"I—I am fine, Remus," Tonks offered, her voice soft and worried. "R—really, Lupin, please don't get so worked up over this. She… She's evil, but…"
But Remus did not hear the rest of Tonks's statement as her voice trailed off and she murmured something lowly, too quiet for Remus to make out what was said. He let out a low warning growl of frustration announcing his mood.
Let the old bag threaten you all she wants, James piped up. Her words are wind. What's she going to do? You're under Dumbledore's protection, remember? She cannot touch you as long as Dumbledore's alive. You ask me, that wretched old toad can take that twig she calls a wand and shove it up her—
JAMES! Lily's voice sounded much more thoroughly put off than that of her husband's. You should not have spoken to the Senior Undersecretary that way, Remus, Lily scolded. She is an incredibly powerful and influential person of interest at the Ministry of Magic, and she could make your life and hers hell.
He carded his hands through his tuft of light brown hair and raked his bangs away from his face and glanced towards Tonks, a hand still on her throat, and her face was still much too pale, chalk-white. Remus emanated a tense exhale through his nose and felt the worst of his anger at the Senior Undersecretary to the Minister quickly evaporate.
Breathe, Rem. Nice and slow… Lily's voice chimed in like a gentle bell, signaling a warning to him that he needed to regulate his breathing back to normal, or he'd have an outburst. His anger quickly replaced astonishment as he cast his eyes towards her and saw that his partner was crying.
Oh, he should have never lost his temper! That insufferable woman had deserved every bit of his black, putrid words of hatred that he'd had the gall and audacity to spout at her, but he should have waited! He should not have…he should not have let her see it. Remus could see in Tonks's eyes, that she would now blame herself, though the fault lay not with her, but with him. This was all his fault. His.
"You…are you hurt?" he managed to gasp out, noticing the sheer terror in Tonks's eyes as her gray orbs widened in shock and surprise at seeing his rage. "Did she do anything to worsen your injuries? Did she…that—that witch!" he snapped. I—I apologize that you had to hear me talk like that," he said, a pained expression on his face. "It's not often that I lose my temper…"
"It's not your fault, Remus," Tonks offered quietly, her fingers curling into a fist over the heated blanket that Albus had gratefully re-heated for her with a simple Heating Spell while Lupin had been preoccupied talking to Dolores Umbridge. "She had no right to…to behave the way that she did."
It pained Tonks to see her new partner in such a horrible way, restlessly pacing the linoleum floor, back and forth he went in constant motion, seeming to become more agitated as the seconds passed and turned to minutes. She bit the inside wall of her cheek, thinking that his anguish towards what he had just done was entirely misplaced. Umbridge deserved every bit of what was exchanged, and even more, and she tried to say as much. "She deserved it."
Sit with her, Lily advised. Just on the edge of the bed. Keep her calm.
Ah, but Merlin Above, Remus did not think that he could. He did not dare meet Nymphadora's gaze, for he knew that if he did, he would only see the fear and disgust in those pale gray eyes of hers, and he didn't think he could bear it if that was the case. He did not deserve this woman as his new partner.
He had no right to even call her a friend one day, as evident by the horrible way that he had failed her twice in the span of not even twenty-four hours yet. First, he had failed to arrive in time to save her from the worst of her injuries, and now, he'd failed to protect her from suffering at the hands of her.
"Sit with me?" Her soft, shy voice broke through his dark haze of thoughts, and Remus felt his eyes widen and his head whiplashed so sharply upward that he winced, clamping a hand to the back of his neck as he felt a swell of heat travel from his neck down to his spine as a muscle gave a tug.
Lupin flinched and ground his teeth, though seeing the slightly desperate and pleading look in his partner's eyes, and he was able to gauge for himself Tonks's reaction. She did not appear to be disgusted with his behavior just now towards Umbridge, if anything, she almost looked…impressed. And, as he dared to meet his gaze, Tonks offered him a small smile and her face changed, as if by a spell.
It immediately lifted his mood, and Remus felt himself let out a soft smile in return, albeit a rather crooked one, and he gave a curt nod and moved to sit on the edge of her bed, opposite Dumbledore. His gaze drifted down to her wand hand, which had, at least since he'd thought to check on her this morning, had not ceased its violent shaking.
He wondered if poor Tonks would always have some small bout of the tremors and if the nerve damage was permanent. He was suddenly strongly tempted to see what he could do for her and was hit with an almost overwhelming need to touch her hand that began as a strange fiery warmth, first in the pit of his stomach, moving to his chest.
The need became a desire until he wanted it so badly that it ached. Remus bit the inside wall of his cheek and dared to scoot his hand a little closer.
Though he immediately stopped when he saw the familiar flash of vibrant green dare to re-emerge from underneath a lock of her hair and he found himself staring into the black, beady, narrowed eyes of her Bowtruckle.
Professor Dumbledore chuckled as the woodland creature poked his head out even further and blew a raspberry at Remus and was eyeing the man with no small measure of distrust and apprehension towards his owner. "He likes you, it would seem," Dumbledore offered by way of an attempt to break the tension in the room.
Tonks offered the Hogwarts Headmaster a weak smile, though even she knew it did not mask the worry and tension in her eyes as Dumbledore was regarding her with no small measure of relief and disappointment in his eyes.
Albus regarded the young Auror over the rim of his silver half-moon spectacles and sighed, lifting his glasses slightly to pinch at the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger, as though fighting off the beginnings of a migraine.
"What you did, Miss Tonks, was incredibly reckless, going off on your own without informing Severus of your intentions ahead of time. I am rather disappointed in you. You are an Auror and a member of the Order, though we have regulations that we follow. You are incredibly smart, and therefore, smart enough to know that what you did last night was dangerous and foolish," he began hesitantly, careful to mind his verbiage around her. "There is a reason I cannot condone vigilante justice. You are lucky to be alive, and you could have gotten yourself killed last night, Tonks. You almost did."
Tonks felt her face flush in shame, and she lowered her head in submission and a sign of respect for the Order's founder. He was, as usual, right.
Snape had said something similar to her earlier, though coming from Albus, it wasn't quite as harsh, but in that regard, she almost thought this worse.
For the immense disappointment in hurt in Dumbledore's tone, as though he'd clearly expected better of her, was worse than if he had shouted. "I…" she stammered, struggling to think of an apt response, but it was Remus who immediately came to her defense, and he sounded almost angry.
Albus stared at Tonks, his cobalt orbs a muddle of qualm and assurance. He calmly placed a rough hand over top his lap and smoothed a crease in his set of gray wizard's robes, the tip of his lip curling into a slightly reassuring smile.
Tonks was incessantly curling her nerve-damaged hand's fingers into a fist and gritting her teeth in both anger and embarrassment for her past actions.
This is all my fault, she thought despairingly, biting her bottom lip, and blinking back salty tears. He's right. If it weren't for me, this wouldn't have happened. And then, his voice cut through the silence and came to her defense.
"Professor," he started hesitantly, his gaze flitting between that of Tonks's lowered head as she turned her head to the left and refused to meet his gaze. "Perhaps this conversation could wait until later, Headmaster? Headquarters?"
"Indeed," Professor Dumbledore answered airily, and the elderly man winced and stifled a groan at the stiffness in his joints as he rose from the chair. "I look forward to continuing this conversation another time, perhaps back at headquarters when you are much better rested. We shall continue our conversation, Miss Tonks, another time. I apologize profusely for Madame Undersecretary Umbridge's behavior, Miss Tonks. Remus, you will keep me apprised of your new partner's condition, and alert me to any changes, please."
And he truly did sound sincere, for which Tonks was immensely grateful. She could practically feel Remus give a curt nod of his head in response.
"Thank you, Headmaster," Tonks whispered hoarsely, watching as the man gingerly opened the door, and to her great relief, Dolores had seemingly gone from the front door, and Tonks could hear Lupin breathe an audible sigh of relief.
Dumbledore chuckled and turned back to regard the pair of them before making his way down the hallway, his robes billowing with his movements.
"I do not believe that Dolores will trouble you any further, Miss Tonks, but if she should, well…" his voice trailed off and his blue eyes twinkled slightly mischievously as his gaze shifted to regard Remus. "Let's just say you're in good hands with a partner like Remus by your side, wouldn't you agree, Tonks?"
His gait straightened and he paused before continuing to speak again.
"Rest then, Nymphadora. You will need it more than ever. The Order needs you back on your feet at some point. May the Light of Merlin and the guidance of your new partner provide you with an apt recovery. Let Remus take care of anything you need." Professor Dumbledore chuckled at the stupefied look on Tonks's face and offered a brief dip of his head and a smile to both Remus and Tonks before turning on his heels and gently closing the door to Tonks's room behind him. Tonks waited with bated breath, hearing the man's clacking footfalls as they became fainter as he walked down the hallway.
It was only the two of them that now sat within the walls of her room, and Tonks suddenly found that she could not seem to be able to look her new partner in the eyes, though she could practically feel his stare burning a hole in the back of her skull, no doubt when she looked in Lupin's eyes, she would see the emotion in his light brown eyes, that which she could only perceive as hate.
Tonks wasn't stupid.
Far from it. She'd achieved all 'Outstanding's in her OWL's and NEWT's during her time at Hogwarts, and she knew without a shadow of a doubt that Remus somehow perceived himself to be at fault here. That he did not, for whatever reasons that were unknown to her, think himself worthy of her partnership, or friendship.
But he couldn't have been more wrong. For she was the one who did not deserve him in her lonely life.
Tonks knew that she was wholly the one to blame for her predicament. Not Remus, not Severus. She was. Tonks desperately wanted Remus to yell at her, to scream at her for what she had done last night, by putting herself at risk.
Not to mention, the disruption and worry she had no doubt caused the man by forcing him and Mad-Eye-Moody to come and rescue her last night!
But Merlin, what Remus must think of her. Tonks let out a muffled little whimper that was barely audible and blinked back tears threatening escape.
She wanted him to be angry, but at her, not at himself.
"You can yell at me if you want. Scream if you have to but…talk to me." Tonks was surprised at how soft and barely audible her voice was now.
"Tonks." Remus's voice was gentle, and yet laced throughout his tone, there was a slight hardness, a firmness that told the young Auror to lift her chin and meet his gaze, but she adamantly refused to. She could not. She would not.
After all the pain and suffering that she had caused her new partner in just the span of one day of barely knowing the man, she did not deserve to look the man in his eyes ever again, much less dare to think she could call him 'friend.'
Or partner, Ollie's voice chastised her within her head, and she flinched.
How could she say that she, in her own way, was growing to become more tolerant of her partner, and perhaps even friendly towards Remus Lupin, when she had caused him such pain? By rights, he shouldn't even be here.
"You—you shouldn't even want to talk to me right now, Lupin…"
Remus felt his heart clench at her statement as it fled her dry and cracked lips. The sheer amount of pain and torture she had suffered at the hands of Crouch, recollecting how she had looked last night when he'd finally found her sent another wave of fury coursing through his bloodstream and igniting it.
"Tonks, please. Look at me." Now Lupin was practically begging her, his voice cracked as he asked, and her hold on the blanket she had curled her wand hand into loosened slightly, and then fell away entirely before her hand came to rest in her lap. "I—I need you to open your eyes, Nymphadora. Look at me."
Still keeping them clenched tightly clamped and her jaw locked shut, she could no longer hold back her tears as the insurmountable stress from just the past two hours alone, combined with the harrowing ordeal from last night, was entirely too much for her already taxed body to cope with. Her body shook like a leaf with the sheer effort to remain calm, her pale knuckles bone white.
Suddenly, a strong hand with a firm grip had cupped her chin in it and was in the middle of gradually pushing it upwards, mindful to be gentle, until she knew without even having to open her eyes to look that her face was now eye-level with Lupin's. Tonks continued to keep her eyes squeezed shut.
Tonks heard Remus emanate a tense exhale in utter exasperation before speaking to her again. When he did, his voice was soft and quiet, not accusing.
"Open your eyes, Tonks. Please. I need you to look at me. Trust me," he begged. Remus sounded exhausted as if he really did not want to push her to her breaking point, though she was quite well past the point of no return, and yet, he seemed to think it imperative that he attempted to make her see it.
"I…" Tonks winced at hearing her voice crack and falter, as did her resolve. "I can't. I do not deserve to look at you after what I put you through! It isn't fair!" She turned her head sharply away, or tried to, at least, though Lupin's grip remained steadfast and he did not relinquish his hold on her chin. The last word left Tonks's lips as a pitiful, mewling, half-choked sob that sounded short of breath, though the young witch felt her eyelids flutter open reluctantly against her better judgment.
Her gray eyes darkened as she dared to meet Remus's gaze, and what she saw within the man's light brown eyes broke her already-fragile heart several times over. Such melancholy and heartbreak.
Lupin froze as her next words to him as he shifted slightly on the edge of the bed rendered him mute and at a loss for words. "Don't leave me alone…."
Tonks whispered her request and bit her bottom lip in nervous anticipation.
"You—you cannot leave me alone in here, Lupin, please. What if Dolores tries to come back or Sn—" Tonks immediately caught herself and clamped her lip shut, silently cursing herself as she quickly realized that she'd accidentally almost let it slip that Severus had surprised her with a visit earlier.
Remus watched in astonishment as it looked as though the stunning myriad hues of grays that were the young witch's eyes looked as if an ocean right before a storm had been encased inside of small glass marbles, and then the smooth spheres of her orbs appeared to be cracked, for the stormy sea had started to leak, little water droplets streamed down her pale cheeks in tracts.
Lupin sighed, loathe to see his partner shed enough tears for the rest of their time together. His fingers of his right hand twitched and he raked them down the side of the leg of his trousers to quell the urge to reach up to his finger and brush away that last wretched tear that snaked its way slowly down her cheek.
Her bottom lip quivered, the same way that a baby pushed past endurance. Her eyes became mere ember flames, the last ashes of a dying fire, constant, yet allowing her tears to flow relentlessly down her pale cheeks.
Lupin paused for a moment, biting down hard on his tongue, and then timidly asked the one question that he was not sure that he wanted the answer to, but it had been burning on his tongue ever since last night when she'd thanked him in the St. Mungo's front lot. "Tonks, I…do you trust me?"
That did it. Tonks felt her eyes fling wide open and she gaped at him like a deer caught in the headlights of the Knight Bus. Did she trust him?! What kind of question was that? He had—he had saved her life, of course, she trusted him! Perhaps more so than her own parents, which said something about her family life.
In just shy of twenty-four hours, Remus Lupin had been the one who had shown her the most kindness during her healing, of which she knew was going to be a rather grueling and painful process, one she was not at all looking forward to, but as long as she had someone like Lupin by her side, then maybe it wouldn't be so bad and wouldn't hurt so damned bloody much.
She hoped. Tonks could tell by Remus's overall demeanor, his kind, quiet, insightful personality and a soft voice that held the same quality as melted butter, that she did not believe Lupin to be a man who would ever lead her astray as his partner, that he wouldn't doubt her words, and he certainly wasn't like Crouch.
Remus would never force her to do something she wasn't comfortable with. And so, for those reasons alone, she decided that she could trust Remus.
"Y—yes," she responded shakily, still trying to quell the tears that she knew were falling down her cheeks. "I do, Lupin. With my life," she said.
The second the words tumbled unchecked from her lips, she clenched her jaw in anger and inwardly cursed, and she felt the fiery heat creep to her cheeks as she flushed and hung her head in shame, and as such, as she allowed a lock of her pink bangs to tumble in front of her face and shield her eyes, she completely missed the smile that formed slowly on Remus's eyes and the igniting of an emotion that could only be described in his light brown eyes.
Oh, God! She hadn't meant at all to voice that out loud so soon into meeting Lupin, for what in the seven hells would her new partner think of her?
Tonks did trust Remus, about that she had not been lying, but suddenly revealing that she trusted her new partner who had saved her life so much more so over anybody else in her lonely, somewhat miserable existence that she would dare to put her own life in Lupin's hands and trust him to protect her?
Well, shit. Now I've done it, she thought, not even caring that she cursed. This kind of intensity and raw truthfulness was enough to scare the hell out of even the calmest and collected soul, though she couldn't help but notice that Remus's hand still had yet to relinquish its hold upon her chin.
Tonks could feel her partner jump and give a start at her words, clearly not have anticipated that she would say such a thing to him.
This is my fault… She barely heard the tiny moan that escaped past her lips and she felt Lupin's grip on her chin loosen slightly. Great. Only one day into your new partnership and you've royally screwed things up. Now he'll pull away and…
Tonks could not bring herself to finish that thought as her eyes fluttered open slowly and she dared to meet her partner's piercing stare.
But something about the intensity in Remus Lupin's gaze was rendering her unable to tear her gaze away, and at that moment, in seeing her own reflection in the werewolf's light brown eyes, she understood the depth of pain that had been sitting just below her skin.
Her eyes shifted to the side again and became glazed with a glossy layer of fresh tears.
As she blinked, they dripped from her lids and slid down her cheeks. Tonks bit her bottom lip in an attempt to hide any sound that wanted to escape from her mouth, and Lupin's heart sank to the pit of his stomach. Her lower lip quivered as words slowly made their way out of her.
"It's…he…y—you…you saved me, Remus," Tonks began, yet what followed after that was engulfed in the tremors. A tightening of her throat as it hallowed and constricted, cutting off air to her passageways and a short intake of breath forecast the explosion of her emotions, which to date, she had managed to keep buried deep inside, never letting anyone (not even Ollie) see them.
Not anymore, though, for that image of things shared with a friend once which were never again to come to fruition thanks to her horrible lapse of judgment when she was twenty-two, was too powerful and compelling and energetic to be contained, and gut-wrenching to ever be kept in check again.
The vision of herself and the man sitting on her bedside next to her with such a look of concern on his handsome, lined face, for her, she who was nothing but a murderer, a vile excuse for a human being, began to swim in front of her as tears welled from deep inside, flowing down her cheeks, and just like that, the dam burst and her floodgates burst open without any warning.
Damn. Remus ground his teeth in anger as he looked away for a moment in shame. He should not have pushed her over the edge and to the brink. Though he quickly shoved aside thoughts of his own self-deprecation for now and forced himself to focus on the needs of his partner for right now.
He was hardly aware that his body was no longer taking direction from his mind and his hand came up to rest on her uninjured shoulder and gave it a firm squeeze. "Please don't cry, I—I'm not angry with you, Tonks, I just want to help you. I need you to get better. You're due to come home. Sirius and I can help you, but you must learn to trust me," he begged, hearing the desperation in his tone. "But…it is all right," he murmured lowly, feeling his chest vibrating slowly and rhythmically as he spoke. "I understand. You were reacting out of fear, and fear makes people do terrible things, but if you and I start fighting amongst ourselves, then our friendship will never work. You have to learn how to trust me and trust me now. Please. I beg you. Let it go. Let me help you. Please don't make me ask it a third time, Tonks. Please."
This helpless despair Tonks felt at her current predicament at the state of her physical condition was almost too much for the young witch to bear, feeling like a heady blackness swirling as a mist in the confines of her heart.
The ways forward towards a new and better life for herself someday, if the world would be kinder to someone like her, have vanished completely, not blocked, but like they were never there for her at all, to begin with.
The notion of hope to the young Auror had become meaningless, and if her mind ever lingered on such ideas, they started to feel like a cruel and unusual trick, as cruel as any desert mirage and she was bereft of water in this metaphor. The bond she had with people like Moody, Ollie once, and hopefully in time, Remus, and now, that kept her heart beating and gave her a reason to continue living, for if she didn't have the Order, the guilt at what she'd done, what she was, she would have perhaps slit her own wrists or found some other means of taking her own life long ago. Though, her heartbeats felt so thin, like a burden.
To like another, to even, dare she think, love someone, was to care for Moody, Ollie, once, and now, Lupin's future, and for them to care for hers.
Yet what was to come by her pushing people away and keeping them at a distance would bring no comfort to either one of them. Not her, not Moody.
And especially not Remus, who had saved her life now at least twice. First from the woods, when she was sure to die, and then again from Umbridge, the old toad. Tonks blinked back briny tears, quite certain that the salty wretched liquid would flow, and she was correct in the assumption as the fresh onset of tears that Tonks had been so desperately trying to hold back finally released themselves and a shuddering little half-choked sob escaped her.
Tonks let out a muffled whimper as she felt something strong latch itself onto her right shoulder, gently pulling her forward. She let out a yelp as she felt herself being pulled out of the confines of the sheets of her bed and fell into something hard.
Her eyes flung open as she quickly realized that he was hugging her. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her close, gently rubbing her arm.
Despite the heaviness in her stomach, it fluttered at the feeling of her body pressed against his. She sunk into the warmth of his side, appreciative of the simple gesture. Remus's touch made the room warmer somehow, her future within the walls of St. Mungo's seeming a little less bleak.
"It is all right," he murmured lowly, practically whispering it into the shell of her ear. "Let it go. Allow yourself to feel it. I won't leave you alone."
His soft words sent an unexpected wave of warmth that flooded her entire body. Tonks had been hugged before, but never like this since he passed.
There was something so warm, something that felt right, smelt right. She let her body sag; her muscles become loose. Remus Lupin gave her the respect of an equal but cradled her like a cherished child. In that embrace, she felt her worries lose their keen sting and her optimism raised its head from the dirt.
Tonks allowed herself a few moments to just…let it out, and when she was finally able to regain control of her emotions, she reached up to her trembling hand and to the best of her ability, flicked away the last tear with her finger.
"Sorry," she murmured, her voice escaping her lips a mere croak. By now, Lupin had strangely rested one of his hands in the back of her hair, pressing in softly, entangling his fingers in a few stray wisps of her dark pink pixie cut.
She knitted her brows together in a quandary as she suddenly felt something wet and the young witch's blush deepened as she came to the realization that her tears had soaked through his black sweater.
Ashamed of this, she reluctantly parted from his unexpected embrace, and as she pulled away, she could have sworn that she heard the man utter a low, angered growl from his throat, and she saw the briefest flickers of anger and disappointment dart through the man's darkened orbs as he studied her face, scrutinizing her tears.
He's angry with me for pulling away. Did he—did he actually enjoy that?! Tonks blinked, not at all sure how to respond to Lupin's sudden shift in attitude. "I—I am sorry," she apologized in a faint whisper. "I apologize for all that," she croaked, her blush reddening even more as she clasped her fingers together and fidgeted with her knuckles, glancing down at her lap in shame. "I—I didn't mean to lose control like that. It's not like me at all. It's stupid…"
"No." The word escaped from Lupin's chest as a low, vibrating growl, and he must have realized it came out perhaps harsher than he meant to upon seeing the young woman flinch and shirk away slightly as his brown eyes narrowed and darkened in color. "You are not stupid, Tonks, and neither are your thoughts," he snapped angrily. "I don't want to hear you talk about yourself like that anymore. As your partner, I exercise that right. You hear me?"
Something in Remus's expression softened as his gaze lingered and settled upon her still-bleeding collarbone. He turned away from his perch on the bedside, his back towards her, and Tonks felt her body instinctively lean forward, preparing to haul herself out of bed and follow Lupin if she had to.
Given what had just happened with Umbridge, and earlier with Severus, she could not be left alone unattended, and wherever he went, she went too.
However, Remus did not allow this as Lupin reached out and gently grasped onto Tonks's shoulder, carefully pushing her back against the mountain of pillows. "Be still," he commanded, and his tone hardened and became curt.
Tonks flinched as she reluctantly collapsed her head back against the pillows, wondering what the bloody hell her partner was up to and the young Auror got her answer a moment later when Lupin turned back around to face her, his wand in one hand, a bottle of disinfectant and bandages in the other.
"Now," Lupin growled, his tone hardened and on the last vestiges of his patience with her, as he resumed his seat on the edge of the bed, scooting as close as he possibly dared. "Let me see it, Tonks. I have to stop the bleeding."
Tonks scrunched her nose and grimace as he laid out all the supplies necessary to treat the gash on her collarbone and waved his wand with a flick of his wrist and the disinfectant rose up off the bed, pouring a little into the wooden bowl, and she could not help but pull a face at Lupin's insistent smirk.
This was going to bloody hurt by the Light of Merlin, she just knew it, and she wasn't going to enjoy what was about to come next, she could tell.
"Ngh—can't I just leave it as it is? It's fine, Lupin, really," Tonks begged pitifully, biting her bottom lip, and sticking out in a slight pout and frowning.
Her attempt at placating him didn't work, and Tonks felt her shoulders slump in defeat as Remus lifted his chin slightly and gave her a pointed look and scowled.
"No, I can't, Nymphadora," he said by way of addressing how annoyed he was becoming, and he ignored Tonks's look of daggers she shot his way at the use of her first name in full. "If we do, it will become infected, and it will be of no help to either one of us, or I can't let that happen. I made a promise to Professor Dumbledore that I would look after you, and I aim to keep that promise, Tonks. Now let me see it. We can do this the easy way, where you cooperate with me and allow me to treat it, or the hard way…."
Tonks let out a reluctant little whimper, grimaced, and albeit reluctantly, she pulled down her white robe the St. Mungo's Healers had given her and allowed her partner to carefully examine with an accurately well-trained eye.
Tentatively, Lupin furrowed his brows into a frown as he prodded the slash markings as gingerly as he could with the pads of one of his fingers, and he cocked his head to the side as he reached for one of the bandages, waving his wand and allowing the wand to guide the flow of the disinfectant's liquid to the bandage, and Tonks let out a hiss of pain as his fingers ghosted along with the slash.
"That hurts!" she squeaked, biting the inside wall of her cheek, though a question found its way to the tip of her tongue and was burning, dying to be asked. It probably stems from his condition, but I can't let on that I know of it.
But still, the query begged an answer. "How do you know so much about medicines, Remus?" she asked curiously, tilting her head back and to the left so as to not obstruct Lupin's light so he could see while he tended to her.
"Books." His answer was curt and suddenly sounded distant, and Tonks could not help but believe that there was an underlying meaning beneath the surface. "I—I…. injured myself quite a bit during my time at Hogwarts, and what I couldn't learn from the library at Hogwarts and teach myself, Madame Pomfrey in the Hospital Wing was kind enough to share in her knowledge."
Tonks nodded, careful to ensure her expression remained neutral. However, he had learned them, his medical skills in this regard were much appreciated and highly undervalued, for her partner had a more steady and firm hand than that of the Healers who had been assigned to monitor her condition.
Though, the young Auror could tell that Remus was troubled, for his expression was strained and Tonks could tell her partner was battling some internal conflict within his mind. Something that was making it difficult for the man to remain calm, for when he had finished bandaging her wound and tossed the basin on the small wooden night table by her bedside, his hands shook.
Tonks swallowed nervously. "What's wrong, Lupin? You look…troubled. I'm your partner, Remus. You can tell me anything, and whatever you say does not get repeated, I give my word. What is it?"
Lupin heaved an exasperated sigh and glanced back towards the now-bandaged wound on her collarbone. "They will scar, I'm afraid, Tonks," he began, and Remus almost sounded apologetic, though he had no need to be.
Remus stifled a growl of agitation and trying not to think about whatever it was that was bothering him, and he began nervously fidgeting with his wand.
Of this, Tonks was certain. It was a moment or two before he spoke up.
"I…" Lupin paused, as if unsure of whether or not to continue. "When I came in and saw Umbridge attempting to…to hurt you, never before in my entire life have I ever felt so…enraged. Th—there was another time, but it's not a pleasant story, I'm afraid," Remus quickly explained, the heat creeping to his cheeks.
Lupin hung his head in shame, allowing that one stubborn lock of his hair to fall in front of his eyes, shielding her no doubt horrified gaze from him. He wasn't sure if he could tell her of how violently he had reacted towards Snape and Crouch upon learning that she was very much real and alive.
Though Tonks, now that her curiosity was piqued, longed to hear what this 'other' story was, the young witch knew that she could not press the issue.
She emanated a tired exhale through her nose and lifted her chin to better look Remus in the eyes. "You were…under a lot of pressure. Were it not for me, then you would not have had to yell at her like that…it's only natural, the emotions that you were experiencing when she…"
She swallowed nervously and instinctively her hand drifted towards her throat without even realizing it.
"You did not hurt Umbridge, Lupin, and in the end, that is what matters, Remus. She's an old toad and the literal definition of the word witch," Tonks snapped. "You did the right thing by telling her off, giving her a piece of your mind."
"But I could have hurt her! If I wanted," Remus growled, arguing with Tonks, his normally soft and quiet tone had risen slightly. "And I wanted to, for what she did to you…" he snarled, glancing at the red markings on her throat.
But Remus did not get a chance to complete the rest of his thought as he felt the bed suddenly become lighter and his head whiplashed sharply upwards and his brown eyes narrowed as Tonks shakily rose to her feet and stood up.
"You should be resting," Remus snapped, unable to stop the prick of fear from tugging at his heartstrings as he could not help but notice how the young witch's equilibrium was still off-balance, and Tonks staggered forward.
Tonks did not look at Lupin, not even when he immediately bolted from his perch at the edge of her bedside, and she could feel the man hovering behind her. She felt her temper bristle just slightly, though she bit her tongue.
She was careful to choose her words carefully, so as to not further stroke his agitation. The last thing she wanted to cause Remus was more strife. "That is where you're wrong, Remus. I'm afraid I have to correct you in that regard."
If Lupin was surprised by her words, he said nothing as he moved to stand in front of her and effectively block the doorway, preventing her from leaving.
"I don't believe you would have harmed Umbridge, Lupin. No matter what kind of rage you found yourself in. You are a good man, Remus, you would not have risked your own life for me last night otherwise. I only wish that… that you could see that for yourself, my friend…" Tonks whispered.
He startled at her words, feeling as though she had just slapped him, though she did not see it as Tonks reached out and clutched onto the wall for support as she inched her way closer towards the door that Remus was still effectively blocking.
She let out a tiny, disappointing squeak as she felt Remus's strong hands pull her away from the wall and he gingerly offered her his arm, without even waiting for her to accept it, Tonks could only watch as he reached over and gently intertwined her arm with his.
"Thank you," she murmured lowly. "It's getting damned stuffy in here. I—I could use a walk and get out of here. Join me?" she questioned, biting her bottom lip, and wiggling her brows at him, hearing the hope within.
Remus frowned, furrowing his brows into a frown as he glanced at how her equilibrium still seemed off, and she couldn't control the shakes in her hand. "Are you sure that's wise, Tonks?" Lupin asked, concern laced throughout his voice as he glanced towards her ankle, bound in a black boot. "Your—your ankle is still injured. I don't think it's smart to put pressure on it."
Tonks scowled as Remus opened his mouth to protest both her desire to go for a walk so soon, perhaps too soon, pushing her body well past its limits, as well as her viewpoint on the matter of his unbridled rage towards Umbridge.
Tonks drew in a breath that pained the wound at her ribcage, sending a fiery swell of pain up and down her spine. She thought if she had to linger for another second, then she would surely die of boredom. She had to get out.
Tonks, without waiting, and still using the wall as a brace, gingerly sidestepped Remus, ignoring his light protesting under his breath and flung the door to her room and made to head down the hall.
There was someone given the scope of everything that had happened to her last night, that she needed to see, though an incredibly strong vice grip pulled Tonks back, catching her by her wrist and almost violently tugged her back into her private bedroom.
"What….?" The young pink-haired Auror blinked owlishly up at Lupin in surprise. Tonks wasn't sure at all that she liked the growing look of anger and discontentment in Remus Lupin's normally kind light brown eyes, and she didn't know what to make of his sudden shift in his attitude. "What's wrong?"
"What's going on, Tonks? Has something…happened? Why are you so dead set on leaving this room when you are still injured and need to be resting?" Remus demanded, a low growl of agitation escaping his lips, pausing, seeming as though he was uncertain of himself.
He sighed in agitation and looked towards his partner with no small amount of concern in his eyes and etched on his face. And then what happened next, he felt his face pale rapidly.
She looked away from him, one hand on the doorknob to steady her wobbling gait, purposefully keeping whatever expression was forming on her beautiful features out of his wretched, wolfish sight, and Remus didn't like it.
This wasn't exactly a promising first sign in their new partnership.
After a long, awkward pause that seemed like it hung in the air, Tonks managed to regain control of her voice again. "There's…something I need to do before I—we," she corrected herself quickly and bit her bottom lip in anguish, "go home. I—I have to do this, please," she whispered, her voice soft.
Tonks chose to harden her gaze as she stared fixated at the door, not wanting to explain her reasoning for what she was about to do to Remus.
She shot a quick prayer to Merlin above. By Your Light, give me strength enough to do this. Tonks winced as she felt Remus's body stiffen.
Remus narrowed her eyes in suspicion. This…was not Tonks's voice. The tone was not hers at all, for her voice was much too faint, and numb.
Listless. She spoke those words to him as a shield, to keep him out, to shut him out, and retreat further within herself. Remus felt a myriad of emotions hit him squarely in the chest all at once, ranging from incredible hurt, confusion, anger, and an unnerving sense of betrayal for her choice to shut him out.
Lupin thought it strange, and somewhat frightening how, in the span of just a few short hours of knowing this bright young witch, the She-Stranger from his nightmares, a few precious, and oddly wonderful hours, save for the incident with Umbridge about fifteen minutes ago, how the young witch could quickly leave such an impression on him.
Nymphadora Tonks was an uncommonly kind and gifted witch, and if truth be told, perhaps one of the most beautiful witches he had ever had the pleasure of laying eyes on. She was petite compared to the other witches in the Order, and her high cheekbones and jawline made quite the impression on any wizard fortunate enough to look the young Auror's way.
Her now-reverted pink hair, while cut short in a neat pixie, a look that reminded him somewhat painfully of Alice Longbottom, or it had when he'd stumbled into the room and her hair had reverted to a dark chocolate brown color, for Neville's mother and Frank's wife had worn her hair the same way during the First Wizarding War when he was first inducted in the Order.
Though the look suited Tonks, and Remus liked the look on the young witch.
It suited her pale, heart-shaped, slightly oval face, and brought attention to her glistening gray eyes, which were currently purposefully looking away from him, fixated on the oaken wood of the door, at anywhere but to him as her face flushed red in shame and embarrassment, and a cold dismissal of him.
A flurry of emotions wracked their way through his chest, more notably that of hurt, betrayal, and devastation. Considering that he had, three times now, in fact, in the span of one day, managed to save the young witch from a terrible fate, and considering how rapidly the two of them seemed to be becoming friends, perhaps against his better judgment, the least Tonks could do for him was confide in him and tell him whatever was bothering her so bad.
Tonks was blocking him, keeping him away, at arm's length, on purpose.
And it hurt as hell. He had never felt such horrible pain in his chest since he'd learned of Sirius's innocence, that he hadn't murdered Peter Pettigrew.
What could such a celestial-like creature like Nymphadora Tonks possibly be hiding from him? What was going through her mind that she wasn't saying?
Tonks visibly cringed, clenching her eyes shut, a hand on the doorframe to steady herself, as her equilibrium from her broken ankle and the taxing events of both last night and this morning surrounding the interrogation with Umbridge were still spiraling through her system. Remus was right. She ought to be resting.
But I have no choice. I—I have to do this. Tonks just could not bring herself to tell her new partner the truth. About her, what she had done.
Who she was. What she was. A filthy liar. Temptress. Murderer…
That by Dumbledore pairing the two of them together, though she was admittedly glad to be relieved of having to pair up with Severus on future Order missions, that she was only going to be forced to keep him at distance to prevent history from repeating itself. She could not—would not—lose this partner too.
Tonks supposed it would have been easier to lie to Remus, make something up.
That would be better for both parties involved to tell him the truth, but it wasn't. Tonks simply couldn't tell him. She did not consider herself a good liar and was in fact, a terrible one. Remus Lupin was such a kind and gentle soul and had been nothing but incredibly helpful and selfless towards her.
When she did not deserve him. The young Auror bit the inside wall of her cheek and turned around and felt her lips part open to speak. What do I say?
If she were to tell him the truth about her, who she was, what she had done with her life and the royal mess she'd made of her life, this confession would go over so swimmingly well, and if she had to hazard a guess as to what Lupin's reaction would be, then she figured the man would just tell her to leave him.
To never come near him again and find a new partner to torment. As kind and good and a man of pure and noble heart as Remus Lupin seemed to be, there was not a chance in the seven hells below that he'd take her news well at all.
But maybe he would, her conscience chimed up at the back of her mind. Remus genuinely seemed like a man and wizard who understood how her mind worked. Thus far in their interactions with one another, Lupin seemed to genuinely care about her thoughts, her feelings, about what she had to say to him.
Lupin was a man who saw things from a perspective that no one else, not even Ollie at the time, could ever have. Remus was kind, and a good man.
True. Honest. All of the things that she was not. He was someone who had helped her through a truly frightening ordeal and seemed to have no intention of letting her leave this room without her revealing what ailed her.
"Are you sure?" Remus's devastated, soft, quiet voice startled Tonks out of her ravaged mind and forced her to return to the present harsh reality of her situation.
It was like hearing a wounded dog yelp in pain after their master had kicked it. At the sheer amount of hurt that was evident as it laced its way throughout his quiet and reserved tone, Tonks immediately knew that she had wounded her new partner even further by not being straightforward and honest in her answer to him just now when he subtly asked of her to tell him the truth.
But why she needed to leave and go one floor up was not exactly something that Tonks could openly discuss with Remus, considering that it concerned her well-being. For perhaps the first time in her young adult life, her partner and a man who could hopefully become a friend to her in time could have no prior knowledge of her plight or the hand that she had been dealt with here.
Her throat felt hallowed as it constricted and cut off the air to her passageways as she swallowed down hard past the growing lump in her throat.
"Remus, I…" Her voice trailed off as Tonks turned to face Lupin, and immediately found that that was even worse than hearing his injured, solemn tone with the clipped, hardened edges that suggested he was offended and hurt.
For there was such a look of anguish on Lupin's face that the young witch thought she could not bear it. His head was slightly lowered, and a lock of his brown bangs had tumbled forward in front of his eyes, acting as his own personal shield from the hurt that was evident in those haunted light brown eyes of his.
Tonks felt her heart plummet to the white linoleum tiled floor that lay beneath her bare feet. "I…there's someone here that I'd like to visit, Lupin, but…I should like to go alone. Come with me if you want, but I need to see…"
Her is what she wanted to say, though Tonks blinked back tears, and found she could not bring herself to say the young witch's name.
She just couldn't. Tonks bit the inside wall of her cheek and reached out a hand to place on his shoulder, though as if the man had already sensed her intentions, he moved and stood away from her. Tonks felt a stinging in her nose begin to form, and her throat continued to tighten until she thought she'd pass out from lack of air.
Remus gave a curt nod and she heard him emanate a tense exhale through his nose, and she was relieved when the man clutched onto her arm. "I'm here."
Though there was no mistaking the disappointment in the man's voice, as though he were still hurting that she could not even confide in him who it was that she wished to see. Tonks could feel the bitter, acidic bile rising in her throat.
"And I hate to disappoint you, Tonks, but I cannot abide by your request. I'm not leaving you alone, Tonks. I've seen what happens when I do. I can't leave you alone on your own for less than five minutes, can I, Tonks? Look at what happened to you just now with Umbridge. No. I won't leave you alone, Tonks. I can't. so don't ask."
Tonks couldn't quite be sure as she took a half-step backward and allowed Remus to open the door for her, but she could have sworn she saw him smile.
"No," she murmured, offering the man a shy smile before quickly glancing down at her bare feet and wiggling her toes, hating that she'd be stuck in this damned clunky black boot while her broken foot healed for at least a few weeks.
Magic could truly work wonders, though even it had its limitations, and broken bones and allowing the injury to recover naturally, to an extent, was one of them. Childbirth was another where magic could be of no help to witches.
Though it's highly unlikely that will ever happen for me, she thought, and repressed her urge to roll her eyes, for what man would want to be with her?
They did not speak much as Remus carefully escorted her down the hallway, though it did not stop Lupin from occasionally glancing at Tonks out of the corner of his eye, all the while trying to make sure she did not hurt herself.
"I'll be just outside if you need me. Who is it that I'm taking you to see, Tonks?" Lupin asked, his curiosity getting the better of him as she requested the elevator take them to the floor that held the ward of Permanent Spell Damage.
It seemed to take Tonks an eternity to find her voice, and when she finally found it again and uttered the name, there was such anguish and heartbreak laced throughout, and her gray eyes had alighted and glistened with unshed moisture, that Remus thought he could not bear it, and if he'd not already been hanging onto the young witch's word as she uttered the name, he would have missed it.
"Alice. Alice Longbottom."