Choices Matter
Chapter 22 -
She took in a shuddering breath. "I cheated on you."
"What?"
"I cheated on you."
She looked away from him as he let go of his hand. He pushed up from the table. "That doesn't make any sense." He moved over to the fireplace and leaned against the mantle. "You'd never do that." He turned back and looked at her. "Not you."
Tears were streaming down her face. "I am so sorry Jack."
"With one of the them, one of the others?" She nodded as she took in another shaky breath. His hands were balled up into fists. "How many times?"
"What?"
"How many times did you sleep with him?"
"I...I...I didn't...I mean that isn't…"
Jack's head turned to the side. "You didn't sleep with him?"
She wiped her nose. "We didn't have sex if that's what you mean."
He closed his eyes and took in a long slow breath and let it out. "I knew you didn't have it in you. I knew you couldn't…"
"You don't understand." Tears were freely flowing down her face. "I fell in love with them." She began to sob. "That's worse than sleeping with them."
Jack moved back over to the coffee table and sat down. "So, if I understand correctly you met other me's, spent weeks and in some cases months with them, and you fell in love with them yet you still resisted the desire to sleep with them."
"Ummmm…" Sam's crying slowed a bit. "I guess that's one way of looking at it."
He got up, pushed on the back of her shoulders and sat down behind her, pulling her back against him. He wrapped his arms around her as her tears fell on his sleeve. "The way I understand it I have a shared history with these other Jacks and that history would have shaped us into very similar men, right?" He felt her nod. "The things about me that you love would have existed in them too, right?"
"Jack."
He twisted her until the side of her face was laying on his shoulder. "You loved them because you love me." Her crying turned into sobs again. He rubbed her back as her arms wrapped around him.
"You can forgive me?"
"There's nothing to forgive." He held her until her sobs turned into sniffing. "You've been worried about this for a while, haven't you?" She nodded. "I love you, Sam."
She looked up at him. He wiped the tears off her cheeks. "I love you too Jack."
"I know." His eyes roamed over her face. "And I've never questioned it."
"Never?"
He shook his head. "Even when I thought I'd lost you I knew you loved me, and I've also known for a long time that I love you." He smiled at her. "You were doomed. There was no way you could resist this." He rubbed her back. "Tell me about them."
She tilted her head up and looked at his chin. "What?"
"I don't want you to feel like you have a dirty little secret you have to keep from me. We have enough secrets in our lives without this between us." He kissed her forehead. "Tell me about them."
She twisted until she was laying on her side with her head cradled against his neck. "In the first reality he ran a security company. He'd kept as many men from the SGC safe as he could. He'd organized the community to keep people fed and working. He was alone though." she rubbed his arm. "He never had us." She closed her eyes. "There was a little girl, Sierra. Her parents had died a few months before I got there, and she adopted Jack and I."
"The three of you lived together?"
"Yes." Sam seemed to shrink in his arms. "He was so good with her." Her eyes looked up at him. "You've always been so good with kids."
"She reminded you of Cassie, right?"
Sam grinned. "She was full of spunk and so smart. She had us both wrapped around her little finger." The smile left her face. "I hope he kept her after I left. I asked him to." Her hand moved up to stroke his face. "You need people to take care of."
He looked down at her. "I do?"
She gave him a small nod. "You're at your best when you are taking care of others, like now."
He twisted his head and leaned down to give her a light soft kiss. "I can't deny that the last couple of decades have been better thanks to you." His thumb stroked a line across her cheek. "Tell me more."
"In the second reality Jack was angry at Sam. I don't think he ever forgave her for joining the Tok'ra. Daniel said he felt like Jolinar was holding her prisoner and he couldn't let that go. It ruined their relationship and she ended up with Martouf. I don't know if he was seeing anyone, but the way he looked at me hurt."
"Of course, losing her left him in pain."
"But that was before we had feelings for one another." Jack's lips tightened and he stayed silent. "Wasn't it?" She lifted herself into a half upright position. "Jack?"
He looked down at her shoulder. "Hmmmmm?"
Her heart was racing. "When?"
"I knew you were beautiful the day we met."
"That isn't the same as having feelings for a person."
"No, it's not." He looked into her eyes. "I might have started thinking about you differently after that Neanderthal virus."
"Wow, really?"
He looked chagrined as he nodded.
She laid back down on his chest as her hand slowly moved up his arm to his shoulder. "I fell for you in 1969, so technically I fell for you years before you feel for me."
"1969?"
"Mmmmhmmm. You looked damn hot in those jeans. It was also the first time we spent time just being us."
"You did relax more on that mission."
"I worried that if I let my defenses down around you, I'd break the regulations."
He snickered. "We had a couple close calls."
"Like when our memories had been stamped."
"That was a close one."
"So close that we apparently almost became parents." She wrapped her arms around his chest. "Their daughter was so beautiful."
"Well of course she was, she was yours."
"You left the choice up to me and now I know I'm why it took us so long to finally get together."
He squeezed her gently. "But we are together so it's all ok."
"I know."
"But?" She stayed silent. "Sam?"
"Nothing."
"But we missed out on having a child together."
Sam began crying again. "I'm so sorry Jack."
"Sorry about what?"
"About taking away your chance to have a child again."
"Oh God Sam. No, that's not how I feel."
"But you should. It's my fault we never had a family. And now it's too late." Her tears turned into sobs again.
He closed his eyes and rubbed her back. "We do have a family, maybe not the kind you wish we had, but we do have one and I don't regret waiting until we were both ready to be together." He kissed the crown of her head. "Maybe we can adopt the next orphaned alien." Sam huffed. He wasn't sure if that was a good sign or not. "In a few years we'll probably be grandparents."
Sam pushed up, hurting his chest a bit. "Is that supposed to make me feel better?"
He tried to hold back a grin. "I guess not." The right side of his lips quirked up.
"You're laughing at me." Her eyes widened.
"No, no, no, no." All amusement left his face. "No, I'm not." He cupped her face. "I know you're feeling a loss and I'm sorry if I wasn't taking it seriously enough."
She laid back down and wrapped her arms back around his chest. They laid in silence for a while as her tears dried.
"The fourth Jack never knew I gave up on you." Her hand moved back to his chest. She started lightly tracing infinity signs on his shoulder. "They had feelings for each other, but they'd never discussed it." Her hand stilled. "He asked me if she knew how he felt, and I told him yes."
"It wasn't a lie. You did know."
"And even though I knew I tried to turn off how I felt."
"You deserved to be loved, openly cared for. I understood."
"I know you did." He felt her shaking. "I was so angry at you for just letting me go."
"What?"
"I wanted you to fight for me. I wanted you to tell me not to give up on you."
He closed his eyes. "I only wanted you to be happy and if that cop could give you what I couldn't then I had to let you go."
"I know, well I do now." She grinned. "He didn't have her, but he was also never hurt by her leaving him."
"I'm glad I have you."
"But I did hurt you?"
"Apparently we were both hurting back then."
"Which would have been worse, losing me without having ever being in a relationship or losing me just as we had decided to try?"
"Can't I just not lose you?"
"You can, but they couldn't." She slid her fingers between his and squeezed his hand. "It made it even worse that he lost Teal'c and Daniel at the same time." She sighed. "It wouldn't have been long after our first night together."
"That was an amazing night."
She grinned. "Yes, it was."
"At least he had that." He lifted her hand and kissed her knuckles. "If I was forced to choose, I would have rather had that night. Thankfully, we get a lot more nights." She looked up at him. "A lot more." He leaned down for a long slow kiss.
She shifted in his arms so she could see him better, pressing her back against the sofa. Her hand slid up his shoulder to his neck, finally landing on the side of his face. "I am a lucky woman. Thank you for still loving me."
"That was never a question."