chapter 22: first session
Mitsuha 14 Jun
Today, I'll see a psychologist for some therapy. As usual, for my first time, I'm a little nervous. I pace outside the office, trying to take a few deep breaths before I enter. Once again, I remind myself that things will really get better. And it'll all help. My hesitance wears off. I knock on the door, feeling a bit more hopeful. I hear a voice from inside say "Come in!", and I proceed to enter.
I look into the room. The room is comfortable and lovely, with a couch and coffee table at one side of the room, and a coffee table with well-cushioned armchairs either side. The room had a casual ambience, not unlike a living room. All the furniture is made up of a very country-styled wood, giving the clinic a rustic feel, akin to a warm, cosy cottage, a strong feeling of… home. A petite lady sits in one of the chairs, but she gets up immediately after I open the door.
"Hi! You must be Mitsuha," She strolls up to me and stretches out her hand, "I am Emiko. Nice to meet you!"
The enthusiasm catches me slightly off-guard, and I take a moment to breathe it in. "... Sorry," I blush, and I shake her hand, " Nice to meet you too."
"Please, come in, make yourself at home." She points inside and closes the door behind me. Her hospitality relieves the slight uneasiness in my heart.
"Would you like some water? Or some tea?"
"No… thanks, I've got my water bottle."
"Okay, so for today, we'll just do some simple mental visualisation exercise. These exercises will help you to better understand, control, and cope with the experiences as they come and go. Shall we begin?" Her voice remains calm, with a touch of professionalism, which eases the anxiety bubbling in me.
"Okay," my voice quivers, and I begin to fear the worst: that she'll trigger the dreams; make them haunt me once more.
"I would like you to close your eyes, and imagine you reliving the best moments of your life."
I do as she asks. I remember the days of my childhood: The quiet Itomori, its slow pace of life; the warm sunlight shining down on my skin, with the huge, sparkling lake in the centre of it. I reminisce of all the friends I had made, the days spent looking after Yotsuha, and the delicious meals Grandma could always stir up. I recall the nature around me. I remember the lush green countryside, the clear blue lakes, the vegetation, the feeling of just being immersed in nature. I remember the culture of that place: the temple, the shrine, the kuchikamisake; and of course, Musubi knotting. 'These braids - they twist, tangle, sometimes even unravel, they break, but then they connect again.' Grandma would say. I feel at ease, relaxed, at home.
She lowers her voice, almost to a whisper, "Now, can you tell me what it looks like, how it feels like? Your thoughts? Everything that comes to your mind," Her voice becomes more gentle.
Without any hesitation, I tell her everything I see, taste, smell, feel and hear. I tell her the relaxation it gives me, the feeling that I belong. I tell her about the nostalgia I feel, I tell her about the sentiments about Itomori, how I wish to relive the cheerful days of my childhood.
"Wow," her voice sounds higher. She's surprised. "Your one of the few people who are able to visualise so well so quickly."
"... Thanks." I say awkwardly, scratching the back of my head.
"Okay, so now, I know this may be uncomfortable, but I'd like you to think of the experience that affected you, that led you here. Don't worry, I'll be with you throughout the experience. All I need you to do is tell me what you see, and how you feel. If you can't take it, feel free to step out. Don't feel pressured to experience the whole thing."
My heart beats faster, I feel my body go stiff. I knew this was coming. I knew that it was inevitable of me to have to deal with this and that it couldn't be ignored.
I close my eyes and imagine myself in my apartment. My gut feeling tells me to stop there, to prevent myself from falling into that same pit, but I know; I must get through this to get better. With one courageous leap, I let the dreams take me.
I open my eyes, and what my eyes show me shocks me. The shards have already started falling. My entire body trembles in fear, and it paralyzes me. I yearn to move, but my body stays rooted to do the ground. Tears start streaming from my eyes, and I know I won't be able to see them for the very last time.
Out of nowhere, someone calls my name. Vaguely, but it is drowned out by the loud sounds of shards crashing around me. The surroundings begin to fade away, and I brace myself for the unknown. "Mitsuha, Mitsuha!" It gets clearer, familiar. I open my eyes. Behind the blurriness of the tears, I can make out the wooden walls, the wooden coffee table, and Emiko sitting in front of me, eyes wider than before.
"I'm… sorry," I try to hold it in, trying to not break down in front of a stranger.
"Don't feel bad about anything: no one gets it right the first time." Her tone starts high but then reduces to a soothing tone.
I use the sleeve of my shirt to wipe the tears off, and I try to put on a brave front, but I know the facade has its holes, leaking out my broken self. Shame impales me, and my weakness applies salt to my gaping wound.
"Would you like to tell me what you saw? Or would you like to do something else first?"
I try to voice out what I saw but no words come out. I feel paralysed, as if acknowledging the dream exists would make it all the more real, making it a reality I can no longer deny. I am unable to even muster up the ability to speak about my nightmares. In the end, I admit defeat and stop trying, knowing that it would be futile to continue.
"Thanks for trying. I think that's enough exercises for today... unless you would like to do some more?"
I try to push on, but my body is way too tired to do any more visualisation whatsoever. That one dream had exhausted almost all of my energy. I shake my head.
"Well, when you go back home, you can try to do some visualisation practices on your own. I'll send some videos to you, which are completely optional but highly recommended. If you have no other issues you would like to clarify, then I'll see you at the next appointment?"
I put on my best smile and pick up my handbag. She leads me out of her office, and I can't help but think: Will things ever really get better?