A/N: MEEEEEEEEET MARIA EVERYBODY!
I am very, very excited to finally introduce this character. She's my girlfriend's OC, and one that we've been roleplaying with for a long time as Steven's therapist! I personally adore the crap out of her and I hope you all feel the same đź‘€ And speaking of my girlfriend, thank you again for helping me out with the chapter, baby đź’– I couldn't have done it without you.
Anyway, hope you enjoy the chapter! First therapy session, woohoo~!
It wasn't long until Vexy was rolling Steven down the hallway, while the hybrid rubbed his hands together and picked at the scars on his knuckles with a grimace. The other nurse - Jane, he'd learned her name was - had taken the forms to Maria once Steven had finished filling them out, and Vexy, of course, stayed with the hybrid. She ended up checking his vitals again, then made him stand on a scale so they could weigh him and check his height (which he absolutely despised, since it had jarred his leg on more than one occasion when he had to move), but he'd managed to make it through the testing without too much trouble. He was, more or less, relieved when Jane returned and told Vexy that Maria was ready for him - though that relief had faded by the time they had reached the room his nurse was taking him to to see the therapist herself.
He breathed in shakily through his teeth and forced himself to straighten up a little, ignoring the sharp ache his back offered in protest as he did so. He bit his tongue, furrowed his eyebrows and leaned his head back to stare up at one of the doors as Vexy slowed to a stop in front of it, reaching over his head to knock before leaning back again and glancing down at him with a smile. "So, I'm gonna be right out here," the nurse told him, jerking her thumb over her shoulder. Steven spared her a brief glance, then rooted his gaze to the door. "Taking you to… art therapy," she recalled, pursing her lips and leaning back slightly, "then swapping out with another nurse."
"Can't I just stay with Kevin and Aaron or something?" Steven sighed, clenching his fists slightly as he glared at the door. "At least I know th- Jesus fuck-" He mumbled, jerking his head back sharply as the door opened. His eyes widened, shoulders rolling back, and in all honesty, he would've probably rolled backwards if Vexy wasn't standing behind him. And even then, he did consider doing so anyway, if only for a few seconds. The woman in front of him paused, pulling the door open the rest of the way a little more slowly and offering an apologetic look. The shock faded quickly, looking up at her as he recovered, then steadily fizzled back into anxiety.
She paused again and studied him; the intense gaze only lasted a second, but it was still enough to make his stomach flip regardless. "Steven?" She checked, green eyes softening slightly as a smile tugged at her lips. She walked forward - and Steven tensed slightly as he offered a stiff nod - and extended her hand. "It's good to meet you. I'm Maria."
"I know." Steven stared at her hand for a moment, somewhat taken aback. Well, she seemed awfully happy for someone who… did what she did. Then again, hadn't he been happy once? Carelessly naive, and sweet, and nice and happy to do whatever he had to in order to help whoever needed it? Numbly, he realized that yes, once upon a time, he had been happy. Genuinely happy, not pretending - at least, not at first. As he lifted his hand to take Maria's, he couldn't help but wonder when, exactly, that had actually changed. When it had become an act. And he wondered if what he was seeing now, in Maria, was genuine, too. If it was, how long would it be until it wasn't? How long would it take for all of this to wear her down, too?
Something inside of him ached at the thought, some part of him desperately scrambling to grab hold of any kind of falter or waver in his resolve, some kind of sympathy, something to connect himself to the woman in front of him - but he didn't want that. He couldn't afford that.
He glanced back up at the therapist, setting his jaw slightly, but he turned his gaze back to Vexy when the nurse spoke up again, letting go of the wheelchair. "Well! I'm gonna go ahead and pass you over to Ms. Roberts now, kiddo. Like I said, I'll be right out here- and don't worry," she added - and Steven noted, faintly, that her eyes sparkled slightly as she looked up at Maria with a grin on her face, "you're in good hands."
Maria chuckled as she stepped back a little, leaving enough room for Steven to enter - which actually somewhat surprised him, considering that pretty much everyone had been pushing him around (literally) since he'd gotten here. Which he could understand, considering he was in a wheelchair and also didn't exactly know his way around the facility either, but even so, he managed to take a little bit of pleasure in being able to roll the wheelchair inside himself. At least then it didn't entirely feel like he was being forced into this. He still didn't want to be there, but he wasn't being pushed into the room like he was being pushed into this situation. "See you, Vexy."
Steven glanced back as much as he could without actually turning, offering Vexy a half-hearted wave before turning and taking a quick look around the room. Admittedly, it wasn't too bad inside; actually, it looked rather cozy. There was a couch to his right, just beside the door, and a few chairs - one of which was directly facing the couch, separated by a coffee table (and, honestly, Steven shouldn't have been surprised to see a box of tissues on top of it either). There was also a desk beside the chair with a few files laid out over it, unopened; Steven eyed them silently as he turned the chair a little to roll himself over to the couch, managing to ease it in between the couch and the coffee table. The couch itself looked comfortable - but this wasn't exactly a comfortable situation, and he wasn't about to get cozy in here anyway.
So he worked on turning the wheelchair around to face the rest of the room, tightening his grip on the wheels slightly as he heard the door shut. "Would you like to move to the couch?" Maria questioned, turning to head over to the chair facing Steven, and the hybrid grimaced slightly. "I'm sure it's much more comfortable than your wheelchair."
Oh, Steven was sure, too, but, again, not getting cozy. "No, thanks."
"Alright." Maria sat down and crossed her legs, offering him another smile as she reached over to move one of the files on the desk, picking up a clipboard. Steven glanced down at it, narrowing his eyes faintly, but he flicked his gaze back up to her quickly enough. He genuinely didn't get it. It felt genuine enough, but he was well aware that that didn't really mean shit. He had fallen into the routine of pretending so easily, and so quickly, that it felt like absolutely nothing at all to just flash a smile and redirect someone's attention before they could pay too much attention, before they could actually question whether or not it was real or forced. But, as Maria spoke again, he had quickly deduced that was exactly what was happening here. "So, how's your stay at the facility so far? Most patients complain about the food."
Steven narrowed his eyes slightly at that, mouth twitching slightly as his jaw tensed. Now there was no amusement regarding the admittedly disgusting hospital food the facility served - instead, there was a slightly bitter feeling rising up in his chest, something akin to anger. Not even particularly directed at her - but he couldn't help but wonder who was to blame for this, if anyone. The gems were definitely a big part of him ending up like this, but he wasn't sure if it was the same with Maria. But there had to be something. Some reason here, some motive. There had to be more than what it seemed, right?
"Which, I can't blame them," Maria began again, and Steven flicked his gaze back up to her, curling his fingers around the wheels of his chair. "I've eaten here myself. Not quite a four star restaurant, am I right?" She offered him a grin - and his chest ached once again as she did, stomach twisting slightly as he stared back at her and wondered, once again, if this was what he had been like, and if it had really been that hard to tell whether or not he was faking.
He gritted his teeth slightly and leaned his head back, once again just focusing a silent, calculating stare on the therapist in front of him. Once again, he found himself wondering what the point was here; dumping all of his problems onto a human, expecting her to be able to help him? Even other gems were different. He wasn't like other gems. And he certainly wasn't like other humans. He was different because he couldn't be fixed, and they could. And Steven knew the toll it took, how terrifying it was to realize he might not be able to help someone. He had felt that way with White Diamond all those years ago, faced with the horrifying realization that not everybody could be fixed, or helped, even by him. And even though he had gotten through to her in the end - the effort it took and the things he had to go through to get there, even now, he wondered if it was worth it. Even then, he had wondered if it had been worth it. Of course, he had decided that the safety of his friends and family was worth any cost… but she hadn't been.
And he certainly wasn't. He certainly wasn't worth all of this effort, and he wasn't worth this woman's time. He didn't want to be a part of breaking her down into what he was now. He didn't want to be her 'White Diamond', her unfixable challenge - he didn't want this for her, and maybe if she had any idea what she was doing and what it would do to her later, she wouldn't either.
The hybrid stared at the wall for a moment, at least until Maria cleared her throat to direct his attention back to her, offering another small smile (which only served to twist the fucking knife) when he finally met her gaze again. "Not much of a talker, are you?"
Steven stared at her for a moment, pushing his eyebrows up a little before letting his expression settle into something somewhat neutral. "Not lately." He paused, flicking his gaze over her face again carefully, studying the smile and the way her eyes seemed to sparkle with it - had his done that? Or was she more practiced than he had been? He thought he'd been pretty convincing up 'til everything that had happened recently, but he was seeing through her easily enough, so maybe he hadn't been as good as he had thought. Or maybe he just knew what to look for. "You seem to be." Exactly like I was. He met her gaze again, frowning. Almost.
"Well, it is part of my job," Maria huffed out a laugh, sitting back and reaching up to tuck her brown hair behind her ear with a grin. "Rather difficult to get to know someone in silence, no?"
Despite himself, Steven could feel his expression shift, eyebrows furrowing and jaw twitching as he stared back at her. Her job. Sure, it was her 'job' in the sense that she actually got paid for it, but the words were still enough to set off some warning bells regardless. He wanted to know what she meant by that; what was her job, exactly? Helping people? Fixing everyone else? Seemed innocent enough, but the hybrid knew that it wasn't. He fell silent for a while, struggling to figure out what to say without outright challenging what she was doing - though, maybe that was the best way to go about it. He wished someone had told him, when he was younger, what doing the things he had done would cost him. What putting everyone else before himself would do to him. Would he have believed them? Hell no. But, still, it would have been nice anyway.
Maria must have seen his expression change, because it didn't take long for hers to, either. She put the clipboard back down on the desk and leaned forward, settling both of her feet down on the floor and propping her arms up on her knees as she stared at him. "What're you thinking?"
The hybrid furrowed his eyebrows, studying her, then rolled his eyes to the side with a sigh. He wished he knew how to begin telling her what he was thinking. He wished that he thought, even for a second, that whatever he said would be enough to get through to her - and the truth was, he didn't even know why he wanted to. Sure, he wanted to save her from the inevitable spiral into depression that he seemed to be taking now, but, why? It wasn't his job. He wasn't supposed to feel like this - he didn't want to feel like this. This was his whole problem. The whole 'wanting to help everybody' thing. Maybe if he'd had the sense to stop sooner, he wouldn't even be here, like this. With her. Stuck in the cycle he'd been trying to break. Why did it feel like it was his responsibility to save her from this? Oh, right…
… because nobody ever told me that it wasn't.
Steven clenched his teeth, glaring at nothing in particular for a moment, before breathing out sharply through his nose and finally turning his head to look back up at Maria. Caution be damned, he was challenging her with everything he had. "Okay- you know what? You don't have to do this," he snapped, taking some pleasure in the way her eyebrows raised as he spoke, and continuing before she had the chance to object, "it's not your job to fix me-" He jerked his thumb toward himself, curling his hand back into a fist again almost instantly. "Or anybody. Or 'help' me, either-" He added sharply, watching her mouth open slightly. She paused at this, raising one eyebrow toward him this time, but her expression settled again, falling silent as she studied him.
He sank back and fell silent, himself, with a scowl now, as she rested her head in one hand with her elbow propped up on the arm of the chair, looking thoughtful. "No, I don't have to do any of this," she finally replied, pursing her lips. "I could have gone into any other career, I suppose."
"Then why?" Steven pressed, pausing for a moment to recompose himself as a slightly desperate tone replaced the bitter determination that had been there before; he swallowed and tried again, forcing his voice as steady as he could. "Why would you do this to yourself?"
Why did I? His mind countered, but this time, he had a retort.
"Oh, I know why." He clenched his teeth, a low growl rumbling in his chest. The sound didn't surprise him anymore at this point - if anything, it only prompted him to continue with a little more force, a little more fury, "because it feels good. Talking to people. Letting them talk to you. Letting them pour out everything, being there and comforting them when they break down." He narrowed his eyes slightly, flicking his gaze away briefly as his mind trailed back toward the gems. "'Cause you know you're doing something great for somebody else. Being their shoulder to cry on." His fists curled a little tighter, nails digging into his palms as his mind trailed toward Pearl, and then Amethyst. "Their rock." His nails dug in deeper, staring down at his hands. Garnet. "Their helping hand. Whatever they need you to be." His voice lowered slightly, resentment replacing the rage for a moment. "That's what you are, because nobody else is."
He blinked a few times, barely managing to force the tears back before they'd even properly had time to rise. He struggled with the pain in his chest for a moment, simply because, at this point, there was so much of it that he felt like he could drown in it, and he knew he couldn't do that right then if he wanted to get through to her. Pushing it down caused an instinctive rush of heat to flush across his cheeks, but the glow was faint, only lasting a few seconds before it dimmed.
He breathed in and looked back up at Maria, shoulders jerking back slightly as he met her gaze. Her expression hadn't shifted, as calm as ever as she stared back at him, and he found himself growing oddly angry - and this time, the rage was directed toward her, but he didn't know why. He needed to get through to her… but she wasn't listening, was she? Nobody ever listened.
"It's nice, isn't it?" Steven blurted out quietly, watching her eyebrows twitch slightly, but her expression still remained neutral as she tilted her head at him. "When you make a difference in someone's life. When you can watch them get better. And grow. And learn. And move on."
Still nothing. Steven needed to up his game here.
"... 'cause it distracts you from the fact that you'll never have that, right?" The hybrid studied her carefully, clenching his fists a little tighter when he still didn't receive much of a response. "That you're throwing your entire life away, chipping off pieces of yourself to mend them back together. Until there's nothing left for you," he stressed, finally allowing some of the desperation to enter his voice - and still, aside from another faint head tilt, he still got absolutely nothing. "Or them," he added, furrowing his eyebrows. "Or anyone. And then it's over. And there's nothing left to fix, and there's nothing left to break, and there's- there's nothing left for you."
Maria's eyebrows finally furrowed slightly, and the hybrid ripped his gaze away and lifted his hand to his face briefly, pressing it over his eyes and once again forcing back another rush of tears trying to push their way up. He was somewhat surprised when the therapist did speak up, since he had honestly expected her to just sit there and stare at him for the rest of his time there, since that seemed to be what therapists did. "You're right."
Steven's breathing hitched slightly, lowering his hand from his face briefly to gaze at her. He'd known that, of course, but he was both surprised and relieved to hear that from her. "I know."
But Maria lifted her hand, and Steven's heart stopped again, causing him to hold his breath for a second. "I wasn't quite finished, Steven." At this, the hybrid found himself collapsing back into the wheelchair, deflating slightly at the realization that he hadn't gotten through to her at all. Everything he'd said had been completely in vain - and he hadn't expected anything less, but either way, he found himself feeling angry again, both at himself and at her. "You are right that I want to make a difference in someone's life," his therapist began, but Steven was only half listening now, struggling to figure out what else he could do to convince her that this was wrong. "That I enjoy helping them get back on the right path, and watching them grow and move on." A brief pause followed, and she added slowly, "but I don't do it as a distraction."
"Not yet," Steven corrected, more or less somewhat defeated now. "But you will."
"I've been doing this for quite a long time, Steven."
The hybrid snorted. "How long?" In fact, how long had he been-
"Roughly twenty years," Maria responded after a moment of thought, and Steven would be lying if he said he hadn't flinched, jerking his head back sharply in surprise and fixing the human in front of him with a wide-eyed, horrified stare. Twenty years? Twenty years? He couldn't imagine - even saying he'd been doing this for seventeen years was a stretch, considering that, of course, he hadn't been helping people all his life. After he had moved in with the gems? Sure. Maybe even a little bit before that. But even that was nothing close to twenty years, and- gosh, he hadn't even lasted this long. "Went right into it after I got my doctorate's," the woman added, and Steven just stared. She did finally seem to soften as she studied his expression, but honestly, that only made him feel a little worse. "I will admit… it was very hard, at first. It takes a toll, after awhile, even with all the training in the world." She shook her head, sighing.
God damn, as if he wasn't already having trouble processing this. The last part made his mouth run dry, finally releasing his hands from their curled-up position, because he knew that if he kept them like that any longer, he'd end up squeezing some blood out of his hands - which wouldn't go down well, especially not in front of Maria. "But today's session isn't about me-" the therapist began, turning away briefly to grab the clipboard - and Steven nearly panicked, realizing quickly what she was doing here, and just barely managing to pull himself out of his daze in time.
"No, uh-" Maria paused, and Steven breathed in sharply, forcing himself to continue quickly, "training?" Okay, alright, he had to think about this. He had to think, beyond the anger and resentment and the bitter feeling that was twisting around in his gut. He could pinpoint the emotion now and he would have plenty of time later to dwell on it, but right then, he needed to figure out how to get through to her. Because- damn- twenty goddamn years? It was a wonder she hadn't broken by now. And even as good as she seemed to be, it couldn't possibly last. So he had to think. Talking to her wasn't working. She was just like everyone else, she didn't listen. So why don't you show her, dumbass? His mind hissed, and he froze. Make her listen.
He breathed in shakily and looked up, barely catching what she was saying now. "-es. To become a clinical psychologist, or any branch in the psychotherapy/psychologist field, you have to go through schooling and training," she explained, and Steven paused once again, his thoughts once again screeching to a complete halt. Because, bullshit, I never had any of that- actually no that makes sense she did last longer than I did. God dammit, she really is…
… better than you, huh? He clenched his teeth at the thought, curling his hands into fists again. "Wow. Humans got it all, don't they?" Once again, he felt bitter; bitter toward his father, mostly. Maybe if he'd grown up like a normal kid and gone to school and had a chance to go to college, he'd actually have been able to do that, too - then maybe he wouldn't be like this now… or, maybe he'd be like her, and maybe he'd be stuck doing this for even longer. Actually, now that he thought about it… that sounded like the worst option, so maybe Greg was the person to thank here instead. And he made a mental note to do just that the next time he saw him.
Twenty years. Twenty fucking years. He wasn't ever going to get over that.
"Well, I suppose we are quite resourceful for a small planet's worth of simple organisms," Maria mused thoughtfully with a hum, crossing her ankles - Steven grunted slightly at that, narrowing his eyes slightly - as she looked back up at him and furrowed her eyebrows. "So I'm going to take a shot in the dark and say you've spent much of your life being an unofficial therapist of sorts?"
Steven gritted his teeth, staring back at her. "Wow, you're good," he growled, and, despite the sarcasm lacing his words, even he couldn't deny the fact that he meant it. Because she was good. Maybe she wasn't listening to the whole 'putting others' mental health before your own is dangerous' thing, but everything else, she had been pretty spot on about. And he hated it. He hated it because he had been doing this for so long and she had been doing this for twenty years and somehow, somehow, he had burnt out quicker. And, sure, he could pin that on 'training' or whatever, but it didn't change the fact that she had lasted longer doing this. And he was having trouble, despite knowing that it was bad, figuring out whether it was a good thing.
"Thank you." Maria tilted her head and smiled at him. "I pride myself on finding obvious signs."
Oh, seriously? Fuck off. Steven let his head fall back with a scowl, glaring up at the ceiling and falling silent at that. Well, therapy wasn't so great. Maybe for other people, whatever, but he didn't quite see the appeal. At least when he had done it, it hadn't been like this. It had been a little more intense sometimes, a little more… well, dangerous, too - not just for him, but for them. Hell, maybe he really hadn't known what he was doing - and yet he'd still managed to pick Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl up somewhat, hadn't he? Even if they were fucking bitches, they still weren't what they used to be. But, he stopped that train of thought rather quickly; he didn't want to think about them any more than he had to. And, right then, he didn't have to. What he did have to do was- not have to, want to? Kind of? He chided himself, grimacing. No, I know I don't have to do this. Not my job. Whatever. Perfect. Fine. Last one, and then it's over.
But, with that, maybe the best way to get through to her was to show her exactly how difficult this could be; she'd seen gems, she'd seen humans, but she'd never seen someone completely unfixable before, and that person happened to be sitting right across from her right then. Granted, he didn't want to be the one to break her, either… she's gonna end up broken anyway. Better for it to end with me- I mean, she can't make me better… but I can make us both worse.
He twisted his mouth and glanced up again, narrowing his eyes. She had turned her attention back to the clipboard, writing something down silently with a somewhat thoughtful expression. The hybrid glanced down at it briefly, then looked back up at her. "Psychoanalyzing?"
"Hm?" Maria glanced up at him and blinked, raising an eyebrow briefly before looking back down at the clipboard. "Oh- no, not yet," she added with a slight grin, but it faded this time as she gestured toward the clipboard with the pen, writing something else down with a slight hum. "Just taking notes, that's all."
Steven sighed, staying silent for a few more seconds before finally lifting his head again to study her a little more closely. He crossed his arms over his chest, digging them into his shirt this time rather than letting his nails sink into his palms (since they were already aching, and he was half sure he might have accidentally broken skin anyway). And he spoke, short and simple. "I'm not fixable." His therapist glanced up at this, eyebrows raising slightly, and he waited a moment to see if she would say anything this time before he continued, "I know you probably think I'm just being 'edgy' or 'dramatic', but I'm serious. I'm not fixable, and I'm not worth fixing."
"I never said you were being edgy and dramatic," Maria replied smoothly, quirking an eyebrow toward him, and Steven paused. "Nor have I been thinking it. And I, for one, certainly do think you're worth fixing," she added as the hybrid narrowed his eyes, tightening his grip on his shirt. "Even if you don't. I wouldn't be sitting here if I thought you weren't worth fixing, Steven."
Steven scoffed at that, swallowing past the tight feeling in his throat this time as he shook his head. "Right. So all that 'training' didn't make you a very good judge of character, did it?"
"Training," Maria told him, putting the pen down, "can't teach people how to judge character, Steven. Just experience." And, at this, he didn't have a proper response. He didn't have anything to counter that with, because, she was right. He hated to admit it - and he hated how calm she was right then, how cool and collected she seemed to be. She really was good.
"Well, you did just meet me," the hybrid hissed after a moment. "Wouldn't expect you to know right away that I'm a bad person." Maria tilted her head slightly as he spoke - and, for a moment, he actually thought that he'd had her - but when she responded, she was as calm as ever.
"What makes you a bad person?" Dear God, he was about to lose it.
Still, he huffed out a laugh, the sound noticeably forced; he tore his hands away from his shirt and settled them back on the wheels of the chair instead, curling his fingers around them and holding on tightly. "You want the long list or the short summary?" His mind was racing at this point, working double time to figure out what he could possibly say here to convince her that he genuinely wasn't worth it, to make her see that not everyone was worth the time and effort and the price of her own mental stability. Especially not him. He could only think of one thing - one thing that might be able to get through to her, even though he hadn't intended on telling anybody. Still, if it could finally make her stop and listen, then he might as well, right? A few extra nurses on his back would be worth it. Yeah. And I'm doing it again, aren't I?
He decided to ignore that one as Maria spoke again, still frustratingly calm. It was steadily beginning to grate at his nerves; his patience here was already thin, and she certainly wasn't helping matters. And, honestly? He couldn't help but wonder if that was her intention. If maybe she knew what she was doing, challenging him just like he was challenging her. And the worst part was that he couldn't tell who was winning. "Whichever you're comfortable with."
"Oh, really?" Steven lifted his chin slightly, and his therapist nodded, arching an eyebrow at him. The hybrid gritted his teeth, running his nails over the wheels slightly. Once again, he struggled to think of what he could say here - he really didn't want to have to confess to murder yet. Attempted murder, maybe? "Okay- alright- okay," he began, unable to help a slight grin this time. Yeah, he was sure he had her with this one. "I tried to kill my family on two separate occasions. How's that?"
Maria twisted her mouth, thinking, and sat back, tapping her fingers over the clipboard slightly. "While that certainly isn't okay," she began, "I suspect there was more behind it than just doing it for the hell of it." And the hybrid paused, blinking slightly in surprise at that last part - but the shock melted quickly as what she said really settled in. For the hell of it. Well, maybe that was true, maybe it wasn't - was he mad at the gems? Yes, very much so. Would he kill them just for the hell of it because of that? Probably, yes - then again, according to Maria, having a reason for murder apparently wasn't as bad as doing it just to murder somebody. But even so, he could think of something to refute that with. He hadn't had a reason for murdering Jasper, had he?
"For the hell of it, huh?" Steven echoed slowly, narrowing his eyes. "So if I killed someone… just, for the hell of it, just 'cause I could," he added, clenching his fists tighter around the wheel. "Then I'm a bad person, no?"
"Depends," Maria countered calmly, "would you walk away without a single ounce of remorse?"
Steven stared at her for a moment at that, not knowing what to say for a moment. The hell did she mean by that? Of course he wouldn't… well, maybe if it was the gems, but that was different regardless. And he wasn't entirely sure he wouldn't regret that decision later on either, as much as he hated to admit that. But that still wasn't the point he was trying to make, and to be honest, he was somewhat appalled that Maria had even asked him that to begin with. So what if he felt remorse over murdering someone? That didn't change the fact that it happened. "Regretting-" He huffed out a laugh, leaning back slightly. "Regretting murder doesn't- doesn't erase the fact that you fucking killed someone, you know. It doesn't make it okay."
"No, it doesn't. It doesn't make it okay," Maria agreed, and Steven paused at that, genuinely confused now. "However, I don't judge people based on their actions alone. After all, there's more to a story than just the Hollywood adaption." And, at this point, Steven was just done.
"Oh- for fuck's sake!" The hybrid finally raised his voice, and tried to ignore the way the room shook slightly as he did - and the way Maria's hand twitched slightly in response. Her expression remained the same, though, simply staring back at him. "Do you- do you listen? Are you deaf? It's murder!" His fury only intensified when he failed to receive a response. "It's killing, it's taking someone's life, it's- it's not- you're telling me that's not- that's not bad?!"
"It is," Maria sighed, "but a bad action does not make someone completely bad."
Steven opened his mouth slightly, but he didn't know what to say to that. Because he had said that before, hadn't he? Defending gems like Peridot or Lapis or even Bismuth - hell, he'd even said the same thing to the gems regarding the Diamonds a few times, though that had been more or less just to convince them to give them a chance than anything else. Still, there had been a time when he'd actually believed it. Bismuth had tried to kill him, but he'd still known even then that she wasn't bad. Peridot tried to reactivate the Cluster and destroy Earth, and she would have gone through with it if he hadn't managed to befriend her too. That, and if she hadn't gotten stuck on Earth, but even then… and of course, Lapis had almost drowned him and Connie and stole Earth's ocean and broken his dad's leg and- okay admittedly that hadn't been as bad as everything else, but regardless, they still did bad things. They were still good.
Jasper did bad things and Steven was starting to see some good in her, too. Even now, after he had shattered her - she could have chosen, at any second, to turn against him, to get angry and attack. She could have let him shatter the gems. But she hadn't. And he still didn't know why.
His resolve wavered again, and he huffed out a shaky laugh, looking down for a second.
"I really was like this, wasn't I?" Steven huffed out another laugh, gritting his teeth. Bismuth, Peridot and Lapis - even Jasper was different, right? Maybe Lapis was right, maybe she might have shattered gems before and… no, that wasn't okay, but… but this was different. Jasper had been ordered to do what she had done. She'd been made to fight, and shatter. But Steven had been made to help people, and that's what he was supposed to do - not hurt them. So, yes, what he'd done, definitely, was the worst. Now, with that, though - regarding the gems, and then regarding the Diamonds… no. Everything he'd done for them had taken more of a toll on him than even the others. The gems, especially. He'd given his entire life for them, and for what? "So desperate to help people that I couldn't stop long enough to see that they weren't worth helping." Another laugh escaped him, slightly more hysterical. "So desperate to see the good in people that I overlooked the bad." And I'm still doing it, his mind screamed, I'm still doing it.
The silence only followed for about a minute before Maria spoke, and this time, her tone was enough to make him jerk his head up slightly to look back up at her, reeling back a little in surprise and ignoring the sharp thrill of pain that shot down his spine as he did so. "Steven, I don't typically do this, seeing as it's inappropriate for someone in my position to do," she began, and narrowed her eyes slightly, "but would you please stop talking for a moment?"
And he did; he stopped with his mouth open, slowly snapping it shut and staring back at her. He didn't have anything else to say - but he did find his stomach twisting sharply, with anxiety now rather than anger or bitterness, as Maria put the clipboard aside once again and leaned forward slightly, clasping her hands together and taking a deep breath, eyes closing for a moment. "From the brief amount of time we've spent in this room-" Well, he didn't think it had felt all that brief, but he wasn't going to say that. "-I've determined that you suffer not only from severe depression, but also emotional neglect, and extremely low self-esteem that is comparable to the reverse of a hero complex."
Despite himself, Steven flinched at those last two words, the rest of his anger disappearing before he could even think to protest.
Maria blinked her eyes open again and looked up at him - and then she was completely calm again, no firm tone or stern expression. If anything, she seemed to have softened considerably even as she spoke, but it was her words, now, that he was focused on, and nothing else. "What I see in front of me is a seventeen year old that was forced to grow up and mature at a very early age, and was never given the proper emotional validation every child needs to develop properly. Now it's all spilling out, including all of your internalized anger and self hatred, lashing out much like a cornered animal." Another pause followed, and at this point, Steven was finding it harder and harder to breathe, not even trying to figure out what to say, but definitely not wanting to listen anymore. "I can't pretend to know what trauma you've gone through."
Steven stayed silent for a moment, watching as she sat back again. Everything hurt; emotionally and physically. He couldn't breathe, he couldn't think, he couldn't move, he couldn't speak.
"However," Maria began again, clearing her throat. "These are all things I've had experience in treating. You're not a monster, you're not a bad person, you're not unfixable. You're human." Screwing his eyes shut, Steven wanted to laugh at that last part, but he couldn't even bring himself to muster up the strength to do that. "The fact that you feel remorse shows that you're not a bad person, Steven."
"R- Regretting murder doesn't-" He swallowed and stopped, breathing in shakily.
"It doesn't make it right," Maria finished for him when he proved incapable of speaking again, nodding slowly. "But doing something bad doesn't make you a bad person. It means you're a person who's made mistakes, who regrets those mistakes, and is struggling with the weight of what they've done." At this, he finally faltered; his vice-like grip loosened completely, hands falling from the wheels of the chair as he pulled his arms closer to himself instead, wrapping his arms around himself in a more protective manner than a defiant one, as it had been earlier. On one hand, he wanted to believe what she was saying; every part of him wanted to give in, despite everything he thought about what she was doing, and the fact that he wasn't worth the effort, and that it would only be worse for the both of them in the long run. She was good. She was really fucking good - and now not only did he hate it, but he actually somewhat respected it.
"Now, unfortunately, that's all the time we have for today." His therapist stood up, and seemed to choose to ignore the sigh of relief that Steven offered, as the hybrid hesitantly moved his hands back to grip the wheels of the chair with a grimace. "But I want you to think about this, alright? Consider it 'homework'."
"Homework," Steven mumbled tiredly, watching as she crossed the room to get to the door. "Yeah. Okay." Well, it wasn't like he wouldn't be thinking about it. If anything, not thinking about it would probably be harder than anything. He wasn't going to tell her that, of course, but he had the feeling that she already knew.
"Until next time, Steven." Maria offered him a small smile, pulling the door open. It took Steven a moment to force himself to move; his hands were shaking as he gripped the wheels, managing to turn the wheelchair around to roll himself toward the door. He didn't say anything, didn't meet her gaze or offer a glance as he passed, simply kept his gaze rooted straight ahead until he had finally exited the room, and he only completely relaxed when he heard the door shut behind him. His shoulders sagged after a moment, letting himself sink back completely into the wheelchair.
"Hey," Vexy's voice, admittedly, startled him, but he expressed it with little more than a blink of his eyes and a half-hearted glance in her direction as she approached him, coming from the other end of the hallway. She looked somewhat worried, taking him in, and when she reached out to put a hand on his head, he couldn't bring himself to protest or move away from the touch. "How're you feeling, kiddo?"
"I have no idea," Steven managed to mutter, and Vexy cracked a smile.
"Maria has that effect on people." The nurse paused and lowered her voice slightly, leaning in a little closer and sparing a quick glance toward the door. "Between you and me, I'm not entirely sure she's human." Steven didn't respond, though the corners of his lips did tug upwards briefly as he looked back toward the door for a moment. "Maybe an angel or something, huh?" Vexy added with a light chuckle, straightening up and eventually moving around to stand behind the wheelchair; Steven let his head fall back with a sigh, content to let her lead him off for now.
"Maybe more like a demon," he mumbled half-heartedly, rolling his eyes. Unlikely, but it was funny to consider regardless of whatever he believed. Demons, angels- whatever Maria was, he knew one thing for certain. She was a hell of a therapist. And he fucking hated it.
I always thought I might be bad
Now, I'm sure that it's true, 'cause
I think you're so good
And I'm nothing like you…