Time stopped.
Well, at least for Gohan it seemed to stop. He was abruptly aware of the environment—everything seemed loud and chaotic even though there was very little shouting aside from his mother's squeal. Commotion from his grandfather about getting another grandson and congratulations abound but it was all very muted, as if heard through miles of water.
Almost distantly, like he was an observer outside of himself, he felt his fingers wrestle the blue confetti from his hair and brush it off his shoulders. He heard his own voice but it didn't feel like he was saying it—it felt robotic, without emotion: "Congratulations, Mom. A new boy." And without even knowing how or when he said: "A better one."
That statement, said so nonchalantly, acted as a catalyst and he felt himself slam back into his body, like he'd been thrown from a good distance away. Suddenly, everything was loud, everything was distracting but nothing was louder than that voice in his head.
See? Your time is done. Fate has given them another boy. And why shouldn't it? Newer, stronger, better.
Better.
Gohan tried to remember what he'd learned, about how siblings were supposedly individuals and how they were not dependent on one another but it fell to deaf ears. All he could remember was that...
Was that...
Screaming. Lots of screaming. And sobbing. Crying. Hysterical crying. The kind of crying that only happens when the entire world has ceased to make sense and the very foundations upon which your livelihood was buried crumbled under your feet. It was a deep seated cry, one that erupted from the heart far more than from the chest or throat.
But so so shrill. Like...like the sound a wounded animal made. The sound that when you heard it, the only humane thing to do was to put the creature out of its misery. If you were to leave such a creature to continue to howl out so much pain and suffering, you were truly a dreadful person.
It took Gohan a moment to realize that horrible noise was coming from him. It all felt so distant. It was only when his throat felt like it was going to tear open that he even made the connection he had something to do with that noise. Raw, scratchy, painful and Gohan could feel the slightest acidic taste. Like iron almost. Blood.
But he couldn't even see anymore. Not because he had closed his eyes or anything but because his entire vision had turned white. Pure white, with nothing to be seen for miles around. Like the Room of Spirit and Time except he knew there were people and things but he couldn't see them, almost couldn't be bothered. He really couldn't even tell WHAT he was even thinking. So many thoughts blazing by at rapid speed that all he could do was feel:
Pain.
Hurt.
Fear.
Sadness...no, deeper.
Grief.
Guilt.
Anger.
And so many others that were all of those in one and yet none of them at all. He couldn't name them; he felt he could not even grasp them. They were flying by at a speed he could not follow. He was alone, lost. Lost amid the torture of his own emotions.
Get away. He needed to get away. He had to get away.
Go where? Why? Say what? Excuse himself? He didn't think he even had to capacity to speak anymore, let alone do anything resembling explaining. Too hard. Too hard to think. Too hard.
Just run.
So he did. He ran. Or at least he was pretty sure he was running. It was still so white and he felt so...separate from himself. He could feel a light buzzing in the ears and he felt some mild bruising and pressure from something but he couldn't really focus. It didn't seem worth the trouble. Just get away, anyway possible.
His ki fired and he was relieved as the air embraced him. Go high. Higher. Higher. Higher. So high he could barely breathe and it became so cold that some of that white haze faded and he could just barely make out the slender line of black and dark blue that marked the barrier between atmosphere and the cold of outer space. That explained why breathing was so hard. Not much to draw from.
Gohan let his ki drop so that gravity pulled him down, just a bit. Enough to be out of the zone where breathing was a struggle. Letting his body fall and the cold cutting his flesh, that damn voice was back.
It's over. Your time is done. Your place is lost.
Nonononono!
You know it's true. The new one will be better. The new one is unmarked. The new one isn't a failure.
Shut up!
You know it's true. You've been denying it this whole time but you cannot do it anymore. The baby will come and whether they realize it or not, they will place you two in comparison. And you shall always come up lacking. As you have always come up lacking.
It hurt. It burned. It throbbed. His entire chest hurt and it was a hurt born from the soul. The kind of bleeding that you couldn't stop and seemed to zap all semblance of strength from you. It was like someone had hit him right in his core and he'd never felt so afraid. He may have screamed out for his father but he didn't know. All he knew was that all these emotions were making him afraid and it was a deep seated fear not easily shook. Because in his innermost self, much as he said otherwise, he believed the voice.
He didn't know what to do. Perhaps, on some level, he knew that he needed to cling to reason, that he needed to process but he was too far gone in his emotions to make that possible. His emotions were an ocean and currently he was drowning in them. The intensity made him quiver and he felt like a little child again, helpless to do much about it save cry for his father and weep.
Then, deeper, deeper in his spirit, a feeling, a call he had heard but ignored. A call he pretended did not exist and terrified him far more than the self depreciating voice did, much as he despised it.
THEN LET ME BACK OUT.
No. Stay there. I don't want you.
YOU DO. ALL THESE EMOTIONS...SO CONFUSING, SO OVERWHELMING. FAR TOO MUCH TO WORRY ABOUT.
I don't need you.
OH BUT TO LOSE YOURSELF! LOSE YOURSELF IN THE POWER! REMEMBER HOW THAT FELT—RAW POWER. NO WORRY, NO CONNECTION, NO—
I don't want to lose myself again! I can't lose myself again! I won't lose myself again!
YOU'D RATHER STAY AS YOU ARE? DOESN'T IT HURT, BLEED, ACHE?
...course it does.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT WILL MAKE IT STOP. YOU REMEMBER THAT WHAT IT FELT LIKE. LIMITLESS. POWERFUL.
...I don't need—
WITHOUT EQUAL.
It wasn't just that inner...source now. He felt that self depreciating voice too, loud as ever.
You are outmatched. The new baby is better.
WITHOUT EQUAL.
The new baby is everything you are not! The new baby is beyond what you will ever be! You've a stain on your soul that he will never have!
LET THE POWER FLOOD YOU AGAIN! BE WITHOUT EQUAL AGAIN!
Gohan caved.
He felt it in him again. That deep, roaring strength that turned his muscles to steel and his reflexes to lightning. Felt the breeze that swept through his hair and burned it to the color of sun. As his vision cleared, sparks of lightning danced across his vision.
For a moment, Gohan found he could relish in it. The feeling of absolute superiority. The knowledge of knowing he had no equal in the world. The security of being full of pride.
It felt...alien. This sense of utter confidence. It made his stomach twist but he wanted to swim in the feeling. He wanted to bathe in it.
"Gohan?! There you are!"
Turning, his eyes shimmering amid shed tears and the sunlight, he met his father in mid air.
"Woo hoo! Look at you! I told you that you could do it! Look at that! I tol' ya!"
The praise fell on deaf ears. Gohan set him with the same cold stare he remembered from months ago. "I didn't want to."
"But ya did." Goku paused a moment, scratched the back of his head. "You left really upset. You...you weren't supposed to find out that way. I was supposed to talk to you first-"
"But it is a boy."
Goku nodded. "It is. But that ain't gonna change anything, son!"
"It changes EVERYTHING!"
Gohan's fist sent his father back a couple yards before the Saiyan father gathered himself, shaking his palm that had stopped the punch. A horrific bruise was already spreading. "Ayie, yie, yie! That's a nice right hook!"
Gohan didn't seem amused and when he struck again, Goku found his bones nearly gave with the blow. In a short time, he called up Super Saiyan but even full power Super Saiyan was faltering.
And Gohan's expression never changed.
"Look, Gohan, I know you're mad and upset—"
"You don't understand! You don't understand all of it!" He threw a blast to emphasize his point and his opponent merely backhanded it. Oh, if this warrior thought he was going to surpass him, he had another thing coming. He was far beyond him! Far beyond anyone!
Except maybe this baby.
No! Gohan drowned in the power again even as he screamed "The baby takes away everything! Everything! It's everything I can't be and I'll never match that! My place is gone and nothing you say will change that!"
"The new baby isn't taking your spot—"
A fist to his face stopped any further conversation and Gohan followed that up with a hit, a kick, a blast and the two of them collided with the earth. No talk. Just fight.
Fight. Kick. Punch again!
And he kept punching.
Even when his opponent stopped fighting back.
Gohan finally stopped, stood upright and waited for signs of life that he might need to eliminate. Challenge eliminated.
The gall. Trying to explain to him what was happening! The issue of the baby was only between him and his parents!
That IS your parent! A small voice screamed at him, a buzzing that had nearly been lost amid the power rush. He'd been deaf to it up until now. But now it thundered so loud he nearly stumbled to his knees.
STOP IT!
His parent? The power rushing through his veins, so drunk on power, blinked in surprise and his vision, only just beginning to clear and so fixated on the blood lust in his veins, finally started to operate normally.
And as the bloodlust and power stalled and the extra form faded away to level one, Gohan saw his fists coated in blood.
Not his.
The crumbled form of his father, hair matted with blood and still as ice cut into his heart and the golden fell to black.
Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!
Falling to his knees, Gohan wretched his father's form up into his arms. "Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Wake up! Wake up!"
When Goku didn't stir, Gohan's heart stilled. "Daddy! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! I didn't...I was just...I didn't want to feel anything and—Daddy just wake up! Please!"
Tears ran down his face and he sobbed. "DADDY!"
On an empty battlefield. Where Goku had whisked Cell away. Calling and screaming knowing it wouldn't be answered.
"Did it again...I did it again..."
A hand finally settled in his hair and breath blew on his ear. "Man...that form is...somethin' else..."
Stiffening, Gohan pulled back just enough that his father's bloodied smile greeted him. "Da-Daddy?"
"I'll be 'Kay, Gohan." He smiled. "Just quick visit to Korin or Dende."
"But I..." Gohan shook like he was lost in a storm. "I...I...I..."
Goku spoke and there was no anger in his voice. "I 'member the rage...Son."
"Why didn't you...why did..."
Goku gently brushed his son's tear stained face. "Ya had so much tears and yellin' bundled up in you that...thought lettin' you punch some of it out might help."
"No! No, it doesn't help!"
"Sure did. You can talk now." Goku argued. He sat up with Gohan's help. "That power's somethin' else but your ol' man's been doing this a lot longer. The Saiyan blood lust stops if your target falls. Ain't too hard to pause my ki long enough to trick that." He stopped, groaned as blood seeped through his lips.
Gohan just stared at his hands, still coated in a sticky red color. He felt sick, terribly sick to his stomach. "Daddy..."
A finger gently touched his chin and Goku's words were breezy, full of blood and aching breathing. "But we needa talk..."
"Daddy, Korin or Dende. We hafta get you to them!" Gohan's words were rapid and panicked as the rich red blood stained the man's clothes and skin. Blood he'd..
Goku didn't budge under Gohan's pulling. "Daddy, c'mon!"
"And I will. AFTER you tell me all the pain that's right there." Goku laid a finger over Gohan's heart. "That's the deal, my little man. If you want me to fix this pain..." he gestured to his battered body with a deep groan, "you tell me what hurts you so bad."