Chapter 32
Tim woke up, feeling extremely groggy. His brain felt sluggish, but there was bright sunlight in his eyes which made it impossible to keep sleeping. He still felt tired, though. He opened his eyes and squinted in the light. Then, he looked down and saw his wife sleeping beside him. She was holding onto his hand.
There was still the feeling that he was going to destroy his beautiful wife by being here, but just the fact that she was holding onto his hand even in sleep told him that there was no way to leave. He didn't want to, but there was still that feeling that he should.
Because that anger was still there, that desire to kill the people who did this to him, the desire to kill anyone who even might entertain the idea that they could do something like this to him again. And it wasn't just a vague desire. It was a real feeling, something he could genuinely see himself doing which made it worse.
Then, the door to the bedroom burst open, startling Tim more than a little. Zahara also came awake with a start.
"Baba! Baba!"
Salma was climbing up on the bed and throwing herself at Tim before he could even think about holding her away. She was hugging him tightly and kissing his cheek.
"Baba! Love you!"
Tim couldn't help it. He couldn't push his daughter away. Her happiness at seeing him brought him to tears again and he couldn't help but cry and hug her back.
"Oh, Salma. I missed you."
"Baba sad?" Salma asked.
"Yes, but you make me feel better," Tim said.
It wasn't enough better, but it was better.
He looked at Zahara over Salma's head and he saw her smiling. He couldn't quite smile back, but he held out his hand to her and she took his hand right away. Then, she reached out and touched the hamza on his chest.
He almost could smile. Not quite.
"Salma, wake up your grandma and grandpa," Zahara said, gently.
Salma laughed and jumped off the bed and then ran out of the room.
"See, Tim? Salma is not poisoned. She is happier than she has been since you were gone," Zahara said. "She loves you. Like I do."
"For now."
"No. For always." She looked at the clock. "It is very late in the morning. Almost ten. After breakfast, I will call Dr. Hicks."
Tim felt tired again at the thought of having to struggle through talking about it. He shook his head.
"Yes, Tim. You need this. I can see it. You are still tired, but you need this. I will not lose you," she said, tears appearing in her eyes. "I thought I might. I will not."
Tim hugged her again.
"Maybe you already have," he whispered.
"No. I have not. I will not. That is why I will call Dr. Hicks to help you."
Zahara got off the bed and then pulled him out of it and into the bathroom. Tim knew he should be doing more. Zahara shouldn't be forced to deal with this so late in her pregnancy (or ever really), but he just couldn't. It was taking all he had not to push her away, not to run away from the family he loved so much.
So he let Zahara take over in a way he'd only seen her do once in the entire time they had known each other...on the first day, in fact, when he was trying to get her to leave and she insisted on helping him.
Now, she helped him into the shower. She forced him to do everything he would normally have done by rote. The one thing she didn't do was remove the hamza. She left him wearing that, even though the leather cord would surely get ruined by the water. He even tried to point that out, but she shook her head firmly and they showered together. Then, Tim was able to stir himself enough to get dressed without Zahara's urging, although that tired him out again.
When they were both dressed, Zahara took his hand again and pulled him out of the relative isolation of the bedroom to the main room where Naomi was in the kitchen making breakfast and Sam looked like he was just waiting, while Salma played happily with the blocks that Gibbs had made when she was born.
"Breakfast isn't quite ready yet," Naomi said, "although we did give Salma a snack because she was getting hungry. You two slept late."
"We needed to," Zahara said.
"Yes, I know."
"If we have time, then, Tim, I will call Dr. Hicks now."
"And you can come and talk to me, Tim," Sam said.
Tim wanted to run away again, but again, Zahara took him by the hand and led him against his instincts. Sam rolled over by the couch and let Zahara gently push Tim to sit down. Then, she cupped her hand on his cheek.
"It's fine, Tim," she said, softly. "It is fine."
Then, he sat on the couch and slumped down so he could stare at the ceiling and not at his father.
"It's not going to work, Dad," he whispered.
"What isn't?"
"Anything you might try. No quotes. No pep talks. Nothing."
"Oh, Tim. Do you really think that little of me that you think I can't see when the usual approach won't help?"
Tim just sighed.
"This is what you were trying to protect us from all those years, isn't it. You didn't want us to see you like this."
Tim nodded.
"Was it this bad before?"
"Maybe worse. It's always a little different. Never quite the same kind of Hell." Then, he felt the anger surge up inside him again. "But it's always about them trying to take over my life. It's always..." He almost lost control and started shouting, but he stopped talking and took trembling breaths. He closed his eyes.
He felt his father's hand on his arm.
"It's all right, Tim."
"No, it's not. I can't... I can't keep it from ruining everyone else."
"Yes, you can. It just will take time, and before you get upset about that, I know it sounds trite. It is. But it's also true."
Tim shook his head. "Part of me knows you're right, Dad, but most of me just wants to scream... or to kill someone."
He covered his face with his hands.
"I know. Tim, I can see that you're struggling, and that you don't want any of us affected, but we are, no matter what you do. You can't live without affecting other people...and once you've made those connections, you can't die without affecting them, either. So don't even think about it."
Tim let out a humorless laugh and he wanted to cry again, but he didn't this time.
"Breakfast is ready!" Naomi said.
Salma jumped up from her blocks and ran over to Tim. She grabbed him by the hands.
"Sit by me, baba!"
"Salma, what do you say?" Zahara said.
"Please!" Salma said.
And again, Tim couldn't do anything to take that hopeful, innocent smile off his daughter's face and he nodded. He still couldn't smile himself, but he let Salma pull him to the table and sit beside him. In fact, once they started eating, she insisted on climbing onto his lap to eat her waffles.
Tim let her.
Breakfast was a little strained, but mostly normal. Tim said almost nothing, but the others kept the conversation going so that the strain wasn't as apparent. Salma was too young to wonder where Tim had been. Since he was back, that was all that mattered.
Once breakfast was done, Naomi persuaded Salma to "help" her wash the dishes while Zahara took Tim aside.
"Dr. Hicks would like you to come to his office now, Tim. We will get Naomi to drive us and Sam will watch Salma. I will go with you."
"You shouldn't have to deal with me like this, Zahara," Tim said.
"No, but you shouldn't have to deal with you like this, either. Both of us must do it. So we will."
"You could stay here. I agree I shouldn't be driving, but Mom could take me over."
"No. We will go together."
Tim couldn't fight it.
"Okay."
Then, it was time to leave again.
"Salma, say good-bye to your baba," Zahara said. "We will be back."
"No, baba! Stay!" Salma said, looking distressed for the first time.
Tim knelt down and let her run over and hug him.
"I'll be back, Salma, but I need to go now."
"No, baba! No!"
"I promise that I won't be gone forever," Tim said. "I promise. Now, give me a hug and a kiss."
Salma did as he asked, but Tim felt a terrible twisting in his guts at how upset she was.
"Love you, baba. Stay."
"I love you, too, Salma. More than I can say. I'll be back."
Zahara knelt down beside Tim and gently pulled Salma away from Tim.
"Salma, I'm going with your baba and I will bring him back, just like I said before. We will be home again. Will you make a special present for your baba, for when he comes home again?"
Salma looked a little upset, still, but she nodded.
"Salma, I'll help you," Sam said. "Get your crayons and come to the table."
Salma nodded once more and ran off to her bedroom to get her crayons and paper. She went through reams of it, scribbling, but Tim had always loved it and they simply cleared out the piles of drawings every so often. She was almost three and her drawings didn't look like what she said they were, but it didn't matter.
"Come, Tim. Let's go," Zahara said.
Tim nodded and stood up. Then, he reached down and helped Zahara stand up. He knew it was getting harder for her to get around.
"I'm sorry," he said.
She smiled and shook her head.
"No, Tim. Let's go, now."
She put her arm around his waist and they walked out of the apartment together.
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
Gibbs was sitting at his desk, thinking. Tony hadn't come in today, and he still wasn't answering his phone. Ziva was sitting at her desk, but she wasn't doing much, either. All in all, this wasn't the best ending to a case they could have had, even though, on the surface, it had been completely successful. They'd found Tim, broken up a domestic terror group and all with few casualties.
But it felt like they were on the verge of failing. Tim was still shattered psychologically. Ray was dead. Tony was hiding, and those who were left weren't sure what to do about it all.
Ziva had asked if this would break them, and it still could.
Gibbs wasn't going to let that happen if he could possibly avoid it. They had gone through too much over the years to be broken now. It wasn't going to happen.
Tim was being taken care of at the moment, so Gibbs could turn his attention to the other members of his team.
And only one of them was present at the moment. That meant that Ziva would take precedence over Tony.
For now.
He got up. It was close enough to lunchtime.
"Ziva, with me," he said.
Ziva looked up and even managed to look a little guilty that she hadn't been doing anything. Ostensibly, they were both working on their reports, but neither of them had made much progress on that task.
However, all she did was nod and follow him.
They walked out of NCIS and to a bench in Willard Park. Gibbs sat down and Ziva did as well.
For a while, there was silence. Neither of them were disposed to deep discussions.
"How are you doing?" Gibbs asked.
"What will happen, Gibbs?" Ziva asked in return. "To all of us? I do not know why this happened, but it feels like we lost, even thought we did not."
"We haven't lost."
"But why does it feel that way?"
"I don't know."
She looked up at him.
"How do we fix it?"
Gibbs met her gaze.
"We don't give up. On anyone."
"Maybe we have to," Ziva said.
Neither of them were specifying, but they both knew who was being referred to.
"Maybe, but we don't give up now. Give it a chance."
Gibbs hesitated but then he decided that it was necessary.
"Have you talked to anyone about Ray?"
Ziva looked away.
"Ducky."
"Anyone else?"
"No."
"You should."
"Why? It was over for us, years ago."
"Because you loved him and he's dead," Gibbs said, bluntly.
"It is not as important as everything else."
Gibbs grabbed Ziva by the shoulders and forced her to look at him.
"Yes, it is. Maybe not more, but as."
"It should not be like this, Gibbs. We saved Tim, but we still almost lost him."
"He's not lost. Not now. Zahara is with him. We saved Tim and now, Zahara is making sure it works out."
Ziva managed to smile.
"If anyone could..."
Gibbs smiled back.
"Finish your report and then take some time off. We all need the break."
"That will not be enough."
"It'll be a start. That's what we need to do. Start."
Ziva took a breath and nodded.
"All right, Gibbs."
"Good. And talk to someone."
She nodded again.
"What about Tim?"
"He'll make it."
"Because you know that or because you hope?"
Gibbs smiled once more.
"Yes."
Ziva laughed a little.
"You are not fooling me, Gibbs."
"Don't have to. It's true."
Ziva got up and walked back into the building, leaving Gibbs sitting alone.
In a way, this all made no sense. Tim had gone through worse. They had all had worse situations to deal with. This time, Tim's recovery didn't even depend on them completely. And yet, it was all so much harder than it had been before.
But what before was he thinking of?
The last time, it had been about saving Carew. Tim was involved but he wasn't the target. The time before that, Tim had been injured, but it had been about fighting against something they could control. The time before that, Tim had mostly-willingly gone with Levi. It had been a long time since Tim had actually been forcibly taken by someone.
Maybe that was the real problem. They had become accustomed to Tim's life being chaotic, but not such that it could destroy his mind. This abduction had forced them all to confront anew the reason Tim was known to be such a valuable commodity. Not only did they have the worry of finding Tim, they had the guilt of his situation, plus, they knew just how bad it could get...because it already had before. They knew how far Tim could fall, and he had come extremely close to that low again. It was a terrible reminder that Tim had real challenges, that they hadn't gone away.
Ziva was on the right track and hopefully, she'd stay on it. Tim would hopefully get the help he needed to recover.
That left Tony.
Gibbs decided to give him one more day before he took the conversation to him.
For now, he went back into the building, prepared to finish his report and then take a few days off.
To make sure that this didn't turn into a failure in any way.
He wouldn't stand for it.