In My Blood
Chapter 22
"You need to let Mark see Oakley." Meredith says, holding the wiggling baby girl in her arms, she is babbling "mama mama mama mama!" and reaching her arms out for me. I take her, holding her close. I sit down on the couch in Meredith's living room. Derek is playing chutes and ladders with Willow in the playroom. I smile, she just screamed at him, telling him he HAS to go down the slide, and if he doesn't that's cheating, and we don't cheat cause that's not kind.
"He doesn't want her Meredith. If he wanted her, he wouldn't have left her."
"You didn't want her either." Meredith points out.
"I had a lot going on, I am still going through so much…." Heavenly and Michael have been coming to me in my dreams nightly. I go to bed exhausted, and I wake up equally exhausted as if I haven't slept a single second. Part of me wants to just stay asleep forever. To be in that world with them for all eternity. Oakley shrieks, and pulls my hair, bringing me out of my thoughts. Clearly teed off at the lack of true attention she's getting.
"She's still his daughter."
"She doesn't have to be." I hug her and play with her for a little bit before putting her down in the little baby bouncer. I am so tired, even holding her is taxing. She is six months old, a healthy fifteen pounds. She decides this arrangement is fine and plays with the attached toys, jumping up and down, and shrieking with delight when she hits them in just the right way that causes them to light up, or to make music.
"You can't just change her DNA Addison; she will always be half his."
"What if he takes her?" I ask, my voice trembling at the thought. In this week therapy session, we discussed slowly bringing Oakley back home full time, and what that would look like, reunification she called it. With that also came the discussion of Mark, and the possibility of shared custody if we couldn't work things out between us. I never thought I would, but I am growing so attached to her over the weeks that Meredith has been bringing her for visitation.
"He won't."
"He might." I object.
"No Addison." She takes me by the hands and squeezes them tightly. "Mark isn't like that. Even if you end up divorced, he would never take this baby from you. I've been thinking about it and I honestly believe that is why he left her with you initially, so you wouldn't have to face losing another child."
"I don't want to see him." I say, watching baby girl playing. I can't help but smile when I look at her. So full of life. I pray she hasn't been affected by all of this. "I miss Heavenly so much."
"I miss her too." Meredith responds, "Don't you think Mark is suffering too though? He lost Heavenly, and now he's lost Oakley as well. Maybe we can meet somewhere in public. Let him know Oakley is safe, let him see her, and spend time with her. We could start slow."
"Why are you pushing this so hard?"
"Oakley deserves to have her father." Meredith said simply, and I think over this for a while. "Oakley deserves the same chances in life that Heavenly had, and a good father is part of that."
"I'm not ready yet."
"I don't think you'll ever be ready Addison; I think it's something you just have to dive into headfirst and hope that you don't drown."
"Hi." I say carefully. Meredith had given me Oakley for the afternoon. I walked her down to the coffee shop and we waited for almost thirty minutes, were about to leave and go to the playground when Mark walks in.
"Hi…" He responds, no more than a whisper, looking down in shock at the little sleeping girl. She almost always fell asleep on walks.
"So, you didn't really…." He looks confused and thankful.
"Sit down Mark." I hand him a cup of coffee, if he would have been here on time it would have been piping hot, but now it is lukewarm at best. He takes a drink and sits down, not complaining. "We have some things to discuss."
"How is she here?" He asked, his eyes drawn back to Oakley, watching her breathe. "You said you gave her up for adoption."
"When you left, I gave Derek and Meredith temporary custody of her, temporarily signing over all rights, but maintaining visitation, they've been looking after her."
"Can I hold her?" He asks his voice shaking. I nod and he picks her up, so gently, and his eyes begin to tear up as he holds her in his arms. "I can't believe this is really her. I thought I'd lost her." He kisses her on the top of her head, and studies her sleeping little face, like he is trying to engrave it in his mind for all eternity.
"I'm sorry." I say, and I mean it. "I didn't mean to scare you like that."
"So, we can have her back? We can be a family again?" He asks hopefully.
"Maybe in time, you made a mistake with that girl. You need to step up and make it right."
"Her name is Trixie."
"God that makes this so much worse. You had an affair with a stripper?"
"A nurse."
"She sounds like a stripper."
"What can I do to prove myself to you Addison? I want to be in your life. I want to be in Oakley's life. You're my family, my everything."
"We weren't your everything when you were sleeping with the stripper." I point out, cautious of how loud my voice is getting, lowering it.
"Stop saying stripper, she's a nurse."
"Maybe now."
"Addison!"
"Ok… OK…. I'm sorry." I say putting my hands up in mock surrender.
"Focus."
"Well what the hell is there to do about it? You fucked, another woman, you got her pregnant, and now you're going to have to deal with the consequences."
"You're not going to leave me." He says, challenging me, but he looks worried. He snuggles Oakley even closer. "You can't take Oakley from me again."
"I didn't take Oakley from you to begin with, you left me for that woman."
"I made a mistake."
"How long has this 'mistake' been going on for?" I ask him.
"I met her at the hospital, after Heavenly died." He says in a voice so small I almost don't hear him. "I came back to the hospital room, after they took her, and everyone was gone. I went to the cafeteria, to wait for you, and that's where we met. I didn't know what you had left to do."
I slam my hands down on the table, the owner gives me a warning look. I still do not have many memories from the time right after Heavenly's death, but didn't I return to the hospital in an ambulance? I vaguely remember being strapped to an ambulance bed. Insisting to Meredith and Amelia that I was fine, just drank too much in an attempt to escape reality, even if it was just for a few minutes. They tested my blood alcohol level in the hospital. 500mg/dL. I should have died in that car that night. Instead I was treated for grief, and alcohol poisoning, and sent on my way.
"We were just friends, you were, gone, and I needed a friend Addison." He says, justifying his actions. "We weren't together until a couple months later." He looks down at Oakley, who had startled when I slammed my hands on the table but settled quickly with her pacifier.
"After the funeral when you had me so drugged, I was as good as the walking dead? That's just great Mark." I say, shaking my head. I feel sick, but didn't I suspect this from the moment I found out he was cheating? He isn't giving me any new information. Just confirming the narrative that has been playing over and over in my mind for months. "Is that why you drugged me? Because you didn't want me to know what you were doing?"
"The doctor prescribed that medication to keep you calm, to keep your grief from killing you and our daughter." He is watching her sleep, tears forming in his eyes. I guess at the thought of her not being born. She suckles her paci hard for a couple of seconds, soothing herself, before it is still, and I know she is in a deeper slumber. How she can sleep through this God only knows.
"You know what I'm just going to leave." I say, getting up, and repositioning the diaper bag on the back of Oakley's stroller. I gently take her from him, settling her in the car seat portion, buckling her in for safety, adjusting the clips just so.
"Addison please…. You can't ask me to tell you the truth and then get pissed off when I do."
"How would you feel Mark?"
"What do you mean?"
"If I cheated on you and got pregnant with another mans child."
"You can't have more children."
"So that would make it better? I am given the free pass to cheat because you used me as a human incubator and then sterilized me?" I shake my head angrily; the tears are threatening to come. No. I can't cry. I won't cry. I take the stroller and push Oakley outside. Mark follows me, as I walk down the block.
"Addison wait…!" I stop, turning around, and he is practically right on top of me. I push him back, I don't want him near me, not now.
"What do you want from me? There is NOTHING you can do to rationalize this."
"We broke up. Addison, I swear I'm done with her. I don't know what I was thinking. It just happened. She was just here, and you weren't, and I missed you. I missed our daughter, our family that fell apart when she died."
"This has nothing to do with our daughter and everything to do with what a pathetic excuse for a human being you are. Seriously Mark? You want to bring Heavenly into this? So, this is her fault because what? I was too grief stricken over her death to have enough sex with you. What is it? How are you going to try to pin this on a four-year-old?" He goes silent, momentarily stunned by my anger.
"I'm not blaming her, just the circumstances we found ourselves in. I needed a friend Addison; you were gone, and I couldn't…. I couldn't reach you. Nothing I did made a difference, it's like you were frozen, you were getting weaker, and sicker. I was terrified of losing you too."
"If you lose me, if you lose our daughter, make not mistake it will have been a direct result of your actions. I don't know if I can forgive you for this Mark."
"Please!" He begs, we've stopped, and he drops down on his knees, hands together, pleading. I raise my eyebrows at him, I am caught off guard, not really sure what to do. "We have to try. Addison, I love you. We have to try to make this work for our little girl, I have been miserable every single day since I left. I don't know how to live without you."
"Get up. You look pathetic." I say, my heart softening just a tiny bit for his cause, offering him my hand. He takes it and stands. We cross the street to the local park and take a bench near the pond. The ducks aren't out today. I wonder where they've gone.
"What are your intentions with the new baby?" I ask him. Oakley is awake now. I close the top of the stroller to provide privacy so I can quickly change her diaper, dressing her back up, and take her out. She sees the pound and squeals with delight. "Are you going to just cast us aside once it's born?"
"No."
"How do I know you're being truthful?"
"You have more money than God and can easily survive without me, so I guess you're just going to have to go out on a limb and trust me." He says, and I laugh, just a little. "We'll have to make a plan." He says, and then starts rambling on about how he could see Trixie throughout the remainder of her pregnancy, and how she could retain full custody, and he could just pay her weekly child support from his check, and visit with the child at their home.
"No." I say. "I have a better plan." I am formulating it quickly in my mind. What would cause Mark the most suffering? "You're going to be the best father you can be to Oakley's sibling. You're going to fight for shared custody with the baby's mother, and we're going to maintain a good relationship with her. Holidays, birthdays, Christmas…. we're showing up for that child." I say, and he looks so confused.
"We're?"
"You want to work this out, don't you?" I ask.
"More than anything." He responds. I hand Oakley to him, and he holds her in a standing position, with her feet on his knees, letting her bounce up and down. She see's birds behind them, and screams, and then laughs and babbles something in her sweet little baby voice.
"Ok then, we'll try."
"What's the catch."
"No catch." I say shaking my head. "I don't have to do anything. If you genuinely love me the guilt of looking at that child everyday and knowing how you betrayed our family will be more than enough." I shrug my shoulders, suddenly so tired of all of this.
"You would really use an innocent child like that?"
"The child will know nothing but love from me. I'm being the better person here Mark, you're the one who has to live with the guilt. Not the baby. The baby is an innocent in this mess you've made." It shows how much I've truly grown in therapy. Would I have even been having this conversation if it had happened before Mark had left me? I am damaged, but I am not incapable of showing love, my own daughter is living proof of what therapy can do.
"I love you Addison, I know I've made mistakes, but I will never stop loving you and Oakley. You are my family; I promise we'll work this out. I don't want to lose you again."
"Don't screw this up Mark, this is your olive branch. Your very last chance."
"I told you. I'm done with her."
"You will never be 'done' with her. She's the mother of your child, so we're going to have to make the best of this."
"She has an ultrasound tomorrow at three. We could meet here after, she could meet you, and our little princess." My heart aches when he called her Princess. He always called Heavenly 'Daddy's little Princess.' I wish he had given Oakley a different nickname.
"Ok." I say, trying to be accommodating, checking my watch I get up to leave. I promised I would have Oakley back to Meredith's by 5. They have some event at the hospital tonight, and the nanny prefers to have both children at the home when she arrives, so they can schedule their evening accordingly.
"I don't want to let her go." Mark says, looking down at Oakley, who is beginning to wake up, yawns big, and looks up at her daddy with still sleepy eyes.
"Then don't." I say, I take her from him though, and he gives her a kiss goodbye. "Work your ass off, gain my trust back and eventually you will be able to come back home."
"I want to come home now." He says, looking at his baby in my arms. She waves 'bye bye' to him and I put her back in the stroller, securing her.
"It's too soon." I say quickly. "I need some time to process everything that's going on. Everything that I am going to be expected to do. Prove to me that I can trust you, when you do that, I'll give you the new key." I say, I was so angry when he left that I had changed all the locks, he looks so damn sad though. "Facetime me tonight, we can talk more then." I say, giving him a tired smile. "I've really got to go.".
"I know tomorrow is my morning, but can you please keep her?" I ask Meredith, I had arrived at her brownstone earlier than I expected to, giving us time to talk, after I put Oakley down for her nap, while Meredith finished getting ready for the event. She is looking at herself critically in the mirror, trying to decide between the black dress, or the red.
"What's going on? You haven't passed up a chance for visitation in months." She asks, holding one dress up, and then the other, back to the first before she gives up, throwing them both on the bed, and rummages in her closet for more options. This one a deep ocean blue.
"I like the blue one the best, it really brings out the color of your eyes." I say, as she holds it up to herself in the mirror. I go into her closet and take out the matching shoes of the exact shade, holding them up to her, and she nods in agreement, before her expression turns serious again.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing I-"
"Don't even try it." She says, she knows me well enough to know I was about to lie.
"I just need some time to do some drinking." I say, my intentions clear.
"What did he do to you, are you ok?"
"Did he keep me on the verge of sedation so he wouldn't have to deal with me? So, he could spend more time with Trixie?" I ask. She had turned so I can do up the back of her dress. I see her look of disbelief in the mirror, this wasn't the conversation she was expecting to have, but there is no coverup. She knows exactly who Trixie is.
"Addison I-" She's at a loss for words.
"Your supposed to be my best friend." I remind her.
"I am your best friend." She confirms, as if her words could squash out any doubts that he has put in my head, that this confusion brings. It is hard to tell what is real anymore, and what is just another lie, woven into this blanket covering up whatever the truth really is.
"Why didn't you tell me sooner? What happened, before I truly 'woke up'?"
She turns and takes my hands in her own, squeezing them so hard.
"Can you forgive me?" She asks.
"I need you to tell me the truth, the whole truth. What happened to me Meredith?" She moves to the bed, and we sit down.
"You were so sick Addison." She whispers. "At one point the doctors recommended hospice."
"I wasn't dying. I was heartbroken, I'm still heartbroken."
"You would have died without intervention." Meredith informs me.
"How long?"
"How long what?"
"How long did you know he was cheating on me?"
"I caught them in one of the on-call rooms in October, but I suspected something was going on before then. Mark and I argued. He told me I was not to step foot in his house again, and I was to leave you alone. That you were having a hard time with me being around, knowing that I still had Willow, you were not even off ¼ of the medication then. Mark weaned you off of them very slowly, afraid you would go into withdraws. You took your last round on Thanksgiving, and it took a while for everything to leave your system, for you to truly 'wake up.'"
"And you listened to him?" I ask, a sense of betrayal in my tone.
"I thought I was doing the best thing for you, the best thing for Oakley."
"… but you left Willow with me on and off most of December." I say, the confusion so heavy. This timeline not matching up in my head.
"Do you remember Derek bringing Willow by?" She asks.
"Yeah." I murmur. Thinking back to that night. How cold it was. How she was wrapped in a little soft blanket with kittens on it.
"That was December 1st. Willow started making so much progress after that, the argument went forgotten. You were willing to spend time with her, I couldn't deny her that, and you were both getting better."
"Until I screwed everything up." I whisper, looking down, so sad.
"You didn't screw anything up." She assures me. "You just, got off track."
"Why do I still love him?"
"You've been together for so long; I feel like It would be impossible not to."
"Where do I go from here?" I ask.
"You have to decide how forgiving you truly want to be. What level of forgiveness can you handle? You know what you want to do Addison. In your heart you know what the right answer for you is. You just have to be strong enough to embrace it."
Authors note:
Thank you everyone for reading! Please take a second to review, I love Addison/Mark pairing so much, but I had to bring it back cannon just a little bit. He always was a bit of a man whore. I find it really interesting to see how Addison has evolved from the beginning to the point where we are at now. I just did a re-read, and I can see it. Slowly she is beginning to emerge. More Stuff to come in the next chapter but this chapter was just getting long. 2K words of the next chapter is already completed.
QUESTION:
Do you think you Addison will show Mark more grace and actually give this thing a full blow chance, now that she is in a much better place with Oakley?
Do you think Addison will put up more of a fight, and be more resistant to him, after finding out for sure, that he was unfaithful?