Chapter 26

Have a Nice Life

Toby was walking aimlessly walking down the halls with his eyes downcast en route to the computer lab. Sean was at his locker listening to music. Sean subtly acknowledged him with a nod and Toby straight-up ignored him, "Toby," Sean advanced forward to talk to him.

Toby turned around. "Sean? Where have you been at?"

"Wasaga Beach, I needed time away. Obviously I'm back now and it wasn't a forever sorta thing."

"Isn't that nice," Toby muttered sarcastically with his hands in his pockets, hunched over because of his heavy black backpack. People wandered around them in the middle of the hall. Some people dodged them looks but they walked past them. He didn't seem like he wanted to talk, or that he cared where he went. "If you'll excuse me I have places to be."

"Can we talk?" Sean wondered out loud.

Toby scoffed, and asked Sean, "Since when do you care?"

"I always saw you as a friend, seems like you need one right now."

"I don't need one. Honestly, I fail to remember when we ever friends? Oh right, when you came over that night and played cards because you felt like you might have a chance to speak to Emma again?" He growled laden with bitterness, "or was it when we were in the hallway because I don't want to relive that? We're not friends Sean and quite frankly I don't feel like talking."

Sean didn't know what to say, he didn't expect to be called out, he softly chuckled to himself nervously, "Touche."

Toby started to walk away but Sean called out to him with Toby's back facing him, "Wait up c'mon let's just talk. It doesn't even have to be about that, how was your summer? Maybe we can catch up?"

"Don't pretend to care. I understand what you're trying to do," Toby told Sean rather honestly, "We're not buddies we don't hang out."

"I do care. I just have a funny way of showing it. I'm just concerned - "

"Well stop. I'm doing just fine."

"Doesn't look like it."

"You deal your way and I'll deal mine. Do me a favor?"

Sean gullibly nodded, "Sure, what do you need?"

"Just leave me alone, Sean. Like I said I got to go." Sean exhaled as he turned the corner and took a swift kick to the locker nearby with frustration, he tried to avoid losing his temper. He hated reaching out and being denied. He knew he had to be patient with Toby, this wasn't over. He wanted to make it up to him, he wanted to help him because clearly he hasn't dealt with what happened and he didn't want to even make an attempt to try. He'd never seen this side of Toby. He just had a feeling he was hurting more than he let on. He knew Liberty and JT were pretty much together and attached at the hip and Toby sort of slipped away through the cracks and hid somewhere under the radar. Since Kendra left town a few years ago, he never really dated after that so he was largely alone.

Sean felt somewhat sorry because Toby didn't have many friends and kept to himself and was often the target for bullies. His short stature, interests, and glasses made him somewhat easy to find things to pick on him about. He took home high grades, was part of so many clubs like Rooks and Knights, Chess Club, Bright Sparks, Debate team, and yearbook but mostly his work went unnoticed and Paige and Hazel had almost complete eminent domain over every decision because they're seniors and popular social status. Toby wanted nothing to do with that version of himself, instead, he became a loner. He didn't want to hang out with the other nerds. He didn't want them to feel sorry for him. Toby was used to bullies pretending to be nice and it explains why he so brutally rejected Sean when he reached out.

Toby walked onto the roof and took out a pack of cigarettes and sat on the ledge. He knew where to go and was crafty enough to find out where the keys were. It wasn't his first time on the roof. Inside his backpack, he pulled out a can of cheap beer and opened it. Unfortunately for him, the beer had sprayed him a bit from rolling around in the backpack but he didn't care. He pulled the matches from his pocket and lit his cigarette and took a long drag and exhaled a cloud of smoke thoughtfully. He spends his days getting loaded off beer, sprays himself with axe body spray, skips class, smokes a few boges, and comes home drinks copious amounts of mountain dew and monster and doesn't sleep with all the videogames in the world. There was no player two, he largely worked alone playing all kinds of shooter games. He wanted to be invisible to everyone because he wanted to be almost anonymous rinse and repeat routines until he dies. He seldom shows up to class and Jeff and Kate really don't know how to reach him. He was going to grief therapy but he wastes time by not talking about anything relevant so they pulled him out. They're at a loss but they don't want to give up so he often feels misunderstood. He just wants to forget about the past but his parents won't let him. They fight a lot. Jeff and Toby are the worst at butting heads and Toby has been reaching out to his mother Anne Marie but she's so busy.

When he gets his mom time she avoids the topic knowing it upsets Toby and is unaware just how abysmal his grades are. She leaves the tough decisions to Jeff but she more or less tiptoes around Toby and lets him do what he pleases and sometimes she's even home late with work obligations so she's rarely around and that's how Toby likes it. Deep down she wants to do more but knows she likely missed the boat on it. This week he asked if he could stay at moms and she reluctantly let him despite the fact she had initially planned to skip her work trip to spend time with him.

Toby returned home from school a little tipsy. He stumbled in and tried to fake an interaction when he saw her on her laptop working on something, She didn't look up from it when she cooed, "Hey Tiger how was school."

"School was school, what about your work trip?"

"I skipped it, figured we could have a mother-son weekend."

He didn't get angry but he didn't want to socialize and Toby just told her quietly, "I'll be in my room."

He was preparing to walk inside the doorway when she closed her laptop and managed to smile asking, "What should we have for dinner?"

He thought for a moment facing her in the apartment from his bedroom doorway, "Chinese?"

"Sounds like a plan. What should we order?"

"I'll have my usual."

"Okay, I'll call you when its time to go pick it up I'll call in a bit."

"Sounds good, mom."

She asked him with a kindhearted beam."And Tiger?"

"Yes, mom?"

"I love you."

"I love you too mom."

…..

Emma kept resisting the urge to text Jay. She kept re-reading over their previous flirtatious messages pre-Saturday. She kept looking for an answer for why things were the way they were. She reasoned with the notion that perhaps she shouldn't insist that he would meet her parents. She then saw Snake after school doing the dishes before dinner. Spike was still at work and he was whistling "Everybody wants something" to himself but jumped and stopped what he was doing when he saw Emma walk by silently. She sat at the kitchen table and told him, "Look I wanted to apologize for being so short with you lately, I've had a lot on my mind."

"Em, we were just concerned before. I mean it can't be easy being a teenager in this day and age." Snake muttered and then faced her, "Maybe it's just harder than I remember."

"I spoke with Sauve, and I realized that I've been not dealing with things the best."

"Well, that's good. She offer any help?"

She nodded, "I'm just really sad I'm not sure how to say what I'm about to say so I'm just gonna say it." Emma began to unload, "Do you remember when I didn't like you?"

"Of course, we butt heads but you didn't like me?"

"It was before you and mom got married, you were always over the house and I was feeling like mom didn't love me the same now that she had you."

"Where is this coming from?"

"I just think that I'm growing up and I should have a say in who I see and who I love and you need to butt out."

"I am your father I stepped in and -"

"You're my dad, yes but you can't tell me how to live my life." He didn't say anything for a few moments, Snake, I know we left you alone with Jay. Whatever happened when we were in the kitchen I'll never know and maybe he came to the conclusion on his own but fuck it sorry, did you say anything to him?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," Snake denied and turned to the sink and worked on those dishes. He then paused and stood still dropping the plate, "what are you insinuating?"

"Did you say something to him?"

"No, Emma. I didn't."

Emma moved next to him, "Look me in the eye and tell me that. It's the only logical explanation."

"Explanation for what?" Snake muttered, "I'm not gonna sugarcoat it, Emma. You can put makeup on a pig but it's still a pig. You can take the bottom of the barrel guy and you can't turn him into prince charming. I didn't have to say a thing," he shrugged, "I'm not gonna have this conversation with you. I've had a lot more life experience than you on this one, I call it as I see it."

"I think you did but you don't want to tell me. You think I can't handle it?"

Snake stuck to his guns, "Frankly? No. You're wounded and he targeted you. You're a notch on his belt, he's not the type to fall in love. He uses people. Degrassi is a much better school without him."

"You know what?" Emma scoffed shaking her head with anger and betrayal, "I hate you and you're a rotten shitty liar. How could you? I love him and you just don't want to see me happy!"

"Em, you may be in love but I can assure you he's not."

"Shut up you don't know him."

"I'm a guy, I know a lot more than you think." Emma narrowed her eyes and crossed her arms, "what do you want me to say? I didn't say a word, whatever happened between you and Jay which to be fair I don't care about and he's not my favorite guy in the world but you're naive to think that he's genuine. Kids got more issues than Sports Illustrated, there's so much going on and you're lonely so you accept him and he's only going to hurt you. I'm on your side!"

"You're a liar, I wish you never married mom." Emma ran to the basement and slammed the door. Snake was hurt but he tried not to break down. He heard her basement door slam. Emma threw herself on her bed and cried. She hollered up to him, "For the record," she ran up the stairs, "damage been done. He already did. I'm going out don't wait up."

"Where are you going?" He flew down the stairs to stop her.

Emma quickly pushed her basement window open and escaped. She didn't know where she was going but she knew one thing she was going far away. She didn't want Snake to be right and she fought to go to Jay's because a part of her thought he was right. For Snake, this wasn't like Emma to rebel and act out and he believed that he was negatively influencing her. She made her way to The Dot and Spinner was at the counter talking to Darcy. She was smiling and making eyes at him, it didn't take her long to realize that Spinner and Darcy were a something. Darcy ate a french fry and then turned to Emma, "Emma, hey? How was your summer."

"It was okay," She answered uncomfortably.

"Everything okay?"

Emma shrugged and Spinner took her order, "Before I took your order, Jay brought this to me and said to give this to you assuming you were to stop by eventually."

It was As You Like It. It was really over wasn't it? Emma held it in her hand, she thought about nixing her order and leaving which she ended up doing. She waved to Darcy and walked out of The Dot she collided with another customer and her book fell to the ground. When she picked it up she noticed that a small index card slipped out. She assumed it was just a one-off, she didn't read it she just stuffed it back into the book. She figured she or Jay used it to mark a spot of the story. Against her better judgment, she went to Jay's. She held the book to her side and rang the doorbell. He answered it and just looked at her, he had so much he wanted to say but he waited for her to talk when she wasn't talking he finally joked, "You rang? What do you want?"

"I just wanted to say thanks for returning my book."

She wanted to just grab him, shake him, hold him and she tried hard not to cry there pathetically as they just stood in the doorway. He acknowledged her, "You could've texted."

"I wanted to see you. I just had to."

"I'm not much to see."

"You are," she advanced a little closer and cocked her head, "was it all for nothing?"

"I don't want to talk about this right now."

"I don't want to either."

"What do you want from me?" Jay asked, "do you want to come in? Do I have to tell you to go home? I don't want to talk about it, I think we talked enough the other night." He seemed so cold and detached, "don't you think I said enough?"

Emma was angry, frustrated, and hurt, he could see it on her face. She wore her feelings on her sleeve. He wanted so bad to take it back, but he couldn't. He couldn't let her know that her own stepfather had sabotaged their budding relationship. He didn't know she had figured that out. Against his reservations, he pulled her close and whispered in her ear, "As much as I want to we can't go back not when I know I'm no good for you."

"Isn't it me to decide what's good for me?" She placed her head on his and looked into his eyes. "I won't leave until you let me in."

Jay stepped back and she came in, he shut the door behind her and passionately kissed her, he quickly picked her up and carried her to his room and that's where things heated up. If this was it if this was going to be the last time they go to each other it better be good. The book fell out of Emma's hands by the time they hit the walls in the hall as she clutched him. Jay tore off her dress and she ripped off his shirt as he threw her on the bed. This isn't how it was intended to go and when it was over they only felt cheated.

Emma didn't say anything and neither did Jay she just grabbed her book off the floor after she tied the back of her dress. She raised her eyebrow and grabbed the remaining index cards that fell out of the book and ran along homeward but first, she just told him, "Have a nice life."

When she shut the door behind her she sat on the steps to shuffle them neatly and put them back into the book. She couldn't help but see one of them had things scrawled on them. She hadn't seen his handwriting before, it wasn't the best but what was on the cards captured her attention. She then looked at the others, on each, there were numbers, dates, and a poem corresponding. There were quite a few and more inside the book. Jay had written a poem for each and every time they met up and memory of each time. It was unclear when the poems were written. Jay watched her out the window wondering why she remained. He didn't want to say goodbye. He also was ashamed he had undermined everything by just hooking up saying nothing. He wondered if she was going to come in again and confront him. Instead, she just left. He was somewhat crushed and thought that maybe this time she won't be back. He had blown it.

She didn't know what she was going to expect and now that everything's said and done maybe it really is over.

She didn't expect them to immediately fall back to each other, but she did expect to be words but his poems preceded him. They were lovely. She found herself on a bench at sunset at the park reading each poem. A big part of her wanted to cry, they really were beautiful and she couldn't stop reading and rereading his words full of love, sweet nothings, and declarations.

She wiped her eyes and started to cry, everything felt wrong. She had never felt this way before, this kind of heartbroken. She snuck back inside her basement and laid down she put the book and the poems on her nightstand. She didn't even bother saying anything to Manny. She hid her face in the pillows and pulled the blankets over her head. Manny had a feeling things were rough, she joined her on the bed and hugged her friend wordlessly. Emma turned around to face her and that's when she told her, "It's over."

She didn't want it to be but that was the way it was and will never be. She doesn't feel optimistic that anything including her very life will ever be the same again. Manny comforted Emma by just holding her as Emma erupted into tears until she had fallen asleep.