Remus was lounging on the couch, book in hand and favorite record playing softly in the background, when he heard the crack in the hall. It had been a good day, all things considered. The shakiness and the fatigue were finally starting to go away. It's not until it the symptoms began improving that he even realized just how sick being strung out had been making him on a day to day basis. He'd spent so long justifying his drug use by telling himself it helped with his pain that he hadn't been able to recognize how much damage it had been doing to his body. For the first time since getting clean, he was actually feeling like something in his life had improved.

He set down the book as Sirius came through the front door. A layer of the tension he was permanently carrying seemed to melt away a little. Sirius was home safe.

The respite didn't last long as the other man stormed through to the bedroom, slamming the door behind him without so much as acknowledging Remus. Whatever happened while he was on mission, it had evidently taken a toll.

Remus gave it a full two hours before he couldn't stand it any longer. He hadn't managed to read even a single line from his book, just sitting anxiously and waiting for Sirius to reappear. Enough was enough. He needed to at least check in.

He knocked on the bedroom door, calling Sirius' name gently. When there was no response, he opened the door and entered. He was almost surprised to see Sirius in his human form. It was quite common for him to come home from difficult cases and transform. It made it easier to handle somehow, or at least that's how he explained it to Remus.

Sirius was sat on the bed, on top of the covers. He hadn't even bothered to take his rather dirty shoes off. He had his arms folded tightly across his chest. Even in his own bed he was stiff, radiating a sort of hostile nervousness. He glanced up at Remus as he sat himself down on the end of the bed.

He looked angry, but Remus was glad to see it didn't actually seem to be directed at him.

"I'll leave you alone if you want, but please tell me if you're okay. Were you hurt? Was anyone else?" he asked softly.

When Sirius answered his tone was clipped and tense. "I'm fine. Nobody was hurt. Well, nobody we know."

"Okay. Do you want me to go?"

Sirius didn't say anything. Remus nodded and stood up, heading towards the door. He would try again at dinner, make sure he ate something. As he got to the door he stopped, hearing his name.

"You can stay," Sirius said.

Remus turned around and headed back to the bed. Sirius scooched over a bit and he slid in next to him. He lay his head against Remus' shoulder, loosening up just a little.

"Tell me how you've been," he requested.

"You want the light version or the brutally honest version?" asked Remus.

Sirius hesitated for a moment. "Brutally honest, but if you actually started using again while I was away then I'd appreciate if you lie about it until tomorrow."

"Alright. Well, not to ruin the suspense, but I didn't. Still clean and sober. It wasn't easy though. First three nights you were gone I ended up on Prongs' doorstep at ungodly hours because it was all I could do stop myself from acquiring and using all the narcotics available in London. As it turns out, I'm not very good at being left alone with my thoughts. Who knew?"

"Wow, you learn something new every day," deadpanned Sirius.

As long as he'd known Remus he had needed something to distract him at all times. A lot of people didn't notice because it seemed harmless enough. Even positive. Throwing himself into study, always having a book in his hand, his obsession with music. Everyone thought he was such a great listener, and he was, but Sirius knew it was as much about his desire to focus on everyone else's problems but his own as it was about the other people. Not that Sirius was judging. A constant need for stimulation and distraction was something they shared. Unfortunately in both their cases it didn't always manifest in the healthiest ways.

"Yep. Well, Lily and James eventually suggested I just stay with them until you got back and stop ruining their sleep. It was a good idea and I didn't do it because I'm stubborn git and sort of went into crisis mode. I kept thinking if I couldn't figure out how to stay clean without someone holding my hand immediately then I'd never be able to do it. I realize now that this was probably a little irrational. Still, I swore to myself I could get through a whole night alone without bothering anyone. You want to guess how that went?" he asked, glancing towards Sirius.

"Based on the context clues, I'm going to say not great," said Sirius, the corner of his mouth twitching up in a half smile. He was starting to relax into Remus more as he spoke.

"Very perceptive, nice work. That Auror training has really fined tuned your powers of deduction. The next night, I ended up at Marley and Dory's place. At least I managed to have my little breakdown before midnight, rather than wait until three in the morning. Still, turns out that when you're newly sober and you show up unannounced at people's homes at weird hours in the middle of a panic attack, they sort of freak out," he said mildly.

Sirius reached over to his hand, stroking his fingers across Remus' palm. "That sounds pretty unreasonable of them."

"I thought so too. They were good about it once I calmed down and Dory did some diagnostic spells to confirm that I was only fucked up as a person rather than on drugs. Fair warning though, the next time you see any of our friends don't be shocked if they express some concerns about me."

"No offense Moony, but our friends have been expressing concern about you to me for quite a long time. I'm pretty used to it. It's just a natural consequence of having a partner who is constantly doing concerning shit," said Sirius honestly, though not unkindly.

Remus paused. He understood that Sirius was not being unfair, but it still upset him to think about people seeing him that way. Like he was a problem. He'd left out the part about how Dorcas had cried when he said in his panicked state that she'd been wrong, he'd never make it to old age. How his whole life felt like some failed experiment that would end the way it did for every other werewolf and he never really thought he'd make it past twenty in the first place. Marlene had to leave the room at that point. She'd seen him come far too close to that reality for comfort. He shook his head slightly, pushing those thoughts aside.

"The day after that I finally managed it. To get through a whole night. It was miserable, but once I got over that block, proved to myself I could actually do it, the next few nights got easier. Now here we are."

"Here we are," Sirius echoed quietly. "Doesn't sound like you had a much better time than me, but at least we both got out the other side, I suppose."

"We always do."

"So what next?" asked Sirius tiredly.

I've actually started looking into volunteering. I can't keep a job with how erratic the Order work is on top of all the other stuff, but I need something to do with my time. Something meaningful, to stop myself going completely mad."

Sirius perked up a little at that. "Sounds like a great idea. What are you thinking?"

"There's a soup kitchen not far from here. I was going to go take a look tomorrow, actually," he said feeling a genuine hint of hopefulness.

Maybe, if he could just do something with his time that mattered, he could stop thinking about getting high every fucking second of every fucking day. Sirius nodded approvingly.

"That's good. Sounds like you managed to finish a shitty week on a high note. No pun intended." A beat. "You won't be cooking the food yourself, right?"

"I don't think so. The goal is to help people, not torture them," Remus joked.

Sirius hesitated a moment, tensing back up a little. "I can't wait until tomorrow. Tell me now. Did you really get through those rough spots or did you take something? I won't be angry, I just need to know," he said.

"I wasn't having you on, Pads. I didn't slip up. It was so fucking close but I'm here, I'm clean, It's okay," he said, stroking a hand through Sirius' hair. He felt Sirius breath a sigh of relief against his shoulder. "If you really don't want to wait, there is one thing I should probably tell you," said Remus a little guiltily.

Sirius sat bolt upright, turning to face him. "What?" he asked harshly.

"I've been smoking," said Remus apologetically. "Just regular tobacco. Turns out the easiest way to deal with cravings is to just… indulge them. This seemed like the least destructive way to do that. It helps. I'm sorry, I know you hate it."

Sirius groaned in frustration. For a moment Remus braced himself for a fight, but Sirius just flopped back down beside him and returned his head to his shoulder.

"Fine. I reserve the right to bitch about it but at least you're not doing heroin, I guess," he huffed.

Remus laughed, caught off guard. "Really? That's a pretty low bar to clear. Maybe there are some advantages to being a junkie fuckup if 'not doing heroin' is enough to placate you," he joked.

"How many times do I have to tell you to stop calling yourself that? Also, I really wouldn't test that theory if I were you," said Sirius sternly.

Remus laughed again lightly. He kissed the top of Sirius' head, a silent promise that he was doing his best. They were both doing their best.

"So, do you want to talk about the mission?" asked Remus softly.

Sirius was quite for a while before lifting his head to look up at Remus. He reached up and put one hand around the back of his neck, pulling him around until Remus was on top of him, one leg strung over either side of his hips. Sirius lifted his head slightly and whispered into his ear.

"I want you to fuck me."

Remus leaned down and kissed him deeply. He certainly didn't need to be asked twice.