Sirius
are you and dorcas also spying on evans and james?
Marlene
GOD DAMMIT
we thought we were being subtle
Sirius
nah mate
you're shifty as fuck
like the hats are not subtle
Marlene
look
i'm more nervous than a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs
Sirius
what an image
is dorcas ? wearing a wig?
Marlene
FFS
i'm starting a group chat
Marlene McKinnon created the group
Marlene McKinnon added Sirius Black
Marlene McKinnon added Dorcas Meadowes
Marlene McKinnon added Remus Lupin
Remus
I have to say
You're superb in that wig, Dorcas
Dorcas
Fuck off
It's the itchiest thing in the world
Sirius
why didn't you just ask for a table in the corner like we did?
why bother with the hats?
Remus
Clearly they've never had the honour of spying on James on a date
Marlene
we panicked!
Sirius
it's fuckin amateur hour over there
Remus
They've arrived!
Great shirt choice from James
Sirius
yeah cus it's mine
he didn't say he was borrowing it the dickhead
Marlene
well that is also not the outfit we approved for lily
but I'm not mad about it
Remus
She looks nice tho
Dorcas
Ok they haven't noticed Wig-gate
So I think we're in the clear
Looks like a nice wine that Lils has ordered
Sirius
it looks like the 2016 Gavi, it's very excellent
Marlene
oh stfu sirius no one cares about the wine
Sirius
impolite.
Remus
James has gone for a whiskey and coke
A bold strategy
Sirius
good idea tho
hard to match someone's pace when you've got a pint
and they're on a small glass of wine
Dorcas
She laughed at his joke!
What was the joke?
Was it actually funny?
Sirius
fuck off my man is always funny?
Remus
Your boyfriend is in this chat?
Sirius
well obviously i was just commenting?
I can't wait to go home with you so we can watch grand designs in bed and fool around under the covers?
Marlene
it is still a group chat let's keep this kosher
Sirius
oh fuck my life my cousin just arrived
Dorcas
Which one?
Sirius
bizarrely she's simultaneously blonde and dark?
by the bar
next to Lucius
Dorcas
Cousin It strikes again
Someone needs to tell him to get his hair cut
Remus
Honestly what is it about aristocrats and the long hair
Sirius
excuse you
Marlene
not yours sirius hun
yours doesn't make you look like the love child of an albino and a mop
Dorcas
Lmao
Oh fucking hell
Remus
What?
Dorcas
Please tell me I'm imagining things and Severus Snape didn't just walk in
Marlene
FOR FUCKS SAKE
also sirius
isn't that your little brother?
Sirius
shoot me in the face
creme de la creme would be bellatrix arriving
Remus
Remind me which one's Bellatrix again
Sirius
shorter than narcissa
the eldest
total sociopath
probably comes from the fact that her parents are more inbred than mine
Marlene
lordy
Sirius
she's the one who's engaged to Rodolphus Lestrange
but is basically cuckolding him for that Tom Riddle guy
Remus
Didn't he once pull a knife on you at a party?
Marlene
wtf?
Sirius
basically I told him to keep away from regulus
this was in last year when regulus had just joined
and like we don't get on, obvs
but i didn't want him ending up being groomed into riddle's crowd
shouldn't have bothered getting in riddle's face cus snape did the honours anyway
slimy bastard
Dorcas
Why is Severus Snape the common denominator in all things awful?
Remus
Why is Severus Snape still as unwashed as he was in first year?
HOW can Lily have dated him?
Marlene
their relationship was fuuuuucked
he's from her hometown
think he's always been a bit of a loner
and she was as well, but she was also pretty and like, normal
and she came to uni and basically realised she could have friends etc. who treated her better than he did
Dorcas
And he did NOT like that
Remus
Oi look out
Sirius I think Bellatrix has come in
Sirius
honestly what the fuck
this is like a family get together that i wasn't invited to
OH HELL NO
she's brought riddle AND lestrange?!
i'll give it to bella, she's bold
Marlene
ok as long as they stay away from lily and James that's all that matters
Remus
Agreed
And we should also keep Sirius away from Riddle
Sirius
riddle pretends he's a big dog
but he's pathetic
gets everyone to do his dirty work for him
so I'm not playing ball unless it's him
Dorcas
Oh look at Lily and James
They look like they're having such a good time
Remus
WHAT A PLAYER HE HAS JUST TAKEN HER HAND
Sirius
YAS BOI
Dorcas
God they're so cute
Imagine the babies they'd have
Fucking adorable
Marlene
?
it is their first date
cool your jets dorko
Dorcas
Sorry
It's cus of my date with Kingsley going HORRENDOUSLY
Remus
Omg yes forgot about that
Why so bad?
Dorcas
He's clearly very ready for settling down
And I am not
I'm a young woman in her prime
Sirius
preach
you sow those wild oats sister
you've got your whole life to get settled
Remus
Sirius bloody loves the phrase "sowing one's wild oats"
Sirius
it's a great phrase
Marlene
ajfdsghklsn
STFU ALL OF YOU
james is going for a kiss!
Sirius
omg!
i feel like a proud parent
Dorcas
wtf?
Marlene
remus take note
this is what he'll be like if you guys ever have kids
Remus
Oh bloody hell
Can you imagine your first kiss
And one of your gay dads like springing out of the wardrobe
Being like
I'M SO PROUD
Marlene
lololololol
stop
i'm trying not to laugh
Sirius
offensive
i would not be "one of your gay dads"
i'dbe the bisezual dad
none of this bi erasure thx
Remus
Bisezual.
Dorcas
Oh halp
Snape has spotted them
Sirius
he looks like he's about to lay an egg
Remus
Do we go over?
Like he's clearly being offensive, judging by the look on James' face
Sirius
yeh but then we blow our cover
Remus
If Dorcas' wig hasn't done so already
Dorcas
RUDE.
Sirius
you know what I mean
James'll want to try to handle it himself
Marlene
true that
we'll be the surprise reinforcements
Remus
You will be no such thing
Sirius and I, fine
But you two need to stay seated
They're a nasty crew
Dorcas
Never took you for a well-meaning misogynist, Lupin
Remus
That's not what I meant
Don't want you guys to get hurt, that's all
Marlene
we appreciate the concern
but we can handle ourselves
Sirius
when you're all done swinging your dicks at each other
evans looks like she might set snape on fire with one look
Remus
!
Did she just slap him!
Marlene
LILITH
what r u doing girl!
snape's been light with his hands before
Dorcas
I'm a little concerned
He and James look like they're getting very shirty
Sirius
absolutely not, i am going over
Remus
Oh good Christ
Dorcas
Did… did Sirius just scream
"NOT MY JAMES YOU BITCH"
Marlene
i think so
Remus
Well then troops
Into the fray we go.