Monday

February 16, 1978

The Library

I've decided that perhaps one of the wisest things I have ever come up with is, 'When in doubt, owl my mum.' For example:

Dearest Evie,

Thank you darling for writing me back - it's been ever so long since I heard from you! I am glad to hear you and that Remus fellow have broken up - it sounded like he was a good friend but I don't think he is the best boyfriend for you!

I'm sorry to hear about Sirius reading your diary. I am sure that he meant well with his affection, but I do believe it is reasonable for you to be upset with him for reading your personal information. Do let him know from me that I am upset with him, and that I will no longer be sending him brownies for the time being.

On another note, your father has taken to gardening with renewed vigour, even after I told him that it's too cold to plant anything, but he is pushing through to build a flower garden ready for spring!

Mrs Morrison from my baking club says to say hello, and that she's terribly disappointed you're still attending that private school off in Scotland, and that her sister's son Bernard is recently single. I informed her, in no uncertain terms, that she was very kind but you would not be interested. She asked me to send a photo of him in this letter to make sure, but I threw it into the bin only after she left - I don't want her to stop sending me her coffee cake, after all!

Hopefully you will be able to come home in the next holidays as your father and I miss you terribly. Please bring all of your friends with you as well, as we would be glad for the company of young people.

All my love,

Mum.

Even my own mother is disappointed in the recent turn of events. I mean, who wouldn't be?

Honestly, I don't really feel like writing about it. I mean I got the whole story out a couple of days ago, but I've been putting off writing anything else down because I feel a bit like you betrayed me, you know? Like if I hadn't had a diary in the first place then a specific person that I don't want to mention wouldn't have read it, and then my heart and head wouldn't be the jumble of thoughts and feelings that they are.

So I'm only writing in you now because it makes me feel better, and I can't think clearly about things unless I'm writing them down.

Let's address the positives, shall we? Two days ago was February 14th. I was caught up in a whole lot of thoughts and feelings so I didn't really mention it, but Hogwarts always likes to go a bit psycho for holidays, and Valentine's Day was no exception.

Dumbledore created a series of howlers that work as singing telegrams, which was fun, especially when James and Lily started a competition to see who could send each other the most annoying telegram. Lily still wasn't talking to me then, but she is now.

I guess I'm not really talking to her though, or anyone, not since Saturday night.

But enough of that, I don't really want to write about it either. I'm hoping that if I sweep my emotions under the rug then I won't have to deal with them. It seems to be working so far!

Oh, thank Merlin, here comes Isadora James.

Never thought I'd ever say that, but hey, desperate times, you know?

It actually looks like she's coming over to talk to me, which is weird, because in what situation would Isadora ever come over to talk to me, you know? It's very unlike her.

"Eva Bishop," she says, three feet in front of me with her arms crossed over her chest.

"Isa... James," I reply, for lack of anything better to say.

She raises a carefully shaped eyebrow. "You do know that the shortened version of my name is Izzie, right? This isn't secret information."

"I just always call you Isadora in my head, I suppose."

"Right. Well, I know we don't really talk much, seeing as how we have some sort of inbuilt animosity toward each other based off of petty grievances, but I've been building up to talk to you for a few weeks now and finally I'm here, so."

I watch as she lets out a deep breath. "Huzzah?" I say, not really knowing where this is going.

"Don't make this harder than it has to be, Eva."

"I won't, please continue." I can neither confirm nor deny whether or not I will make whatever she wants to say harder than it needs to be, but I figured it would go faster if I agreed.

"Okay, so I have two things to say to you. The first one is sorry."

"What?"

"Not for me, but for Aislin. Ash is, well, sometimes misguided in her affections, and I think she went a bit too far this time."

"You're referring to when she illegally drugged me, correct?"

Isadora began to grimace. "Not something that I thought I would ever have to confirm, but yes, I am referring to that occasion."

"Why are you apologising, exactly? You didn't do anything."

"True, I didn't, but I know that she's not going to apologise and I thought it was important if someone did, so, officially, I'm sorry for her behaviour, and I'll make sure it doesn't happen again."

I didn't really know what to say to that, to be honest, but I thought the appropriate response would be, "Well, thank you, I suppose."

"I'm going to apologise to Bl-"

"Please don't finish that sentence," I interrupt. I don't want her do-good-er-i-ness to ruin my detox of a particular person any more than it already has.

She seems confused but thankfully moves onto the next part of why she came over to my library nook.

"The other thing I wanted to talk with you is about Hollard."

Oh yes, Hol Buggery. I forgot that he existed. Sorry, Hol.

"I have broken up with him."

"Congrats?"

She raised a manicured eyebrow.

"My condolences?"

"Remember when I was, well, upset, and you came over and asked how I was going, and shared with me information pertaining to my once boyfriend?"

"Vaguely."

"You mentioned his sister, Prudence?"

"Wasn't it Penelope?"

"It doesn't matter, because she doesn't exist."

It takes a second to process this information.

"What do you mean she doesn't exist, wasn't that what the Slytherins were holding against him? His family?"

Isadora sighs and takes a seat next to me. "No, he lied to you."

"Then what...?"

"He's a coward, and he's too much of a coward to say that he's a coward so he lied to you about it. And then I broke up with him."

"Because he's a coward?"

"No, because he betrayed my trust."

I can't help but let out a little bit of a laugh. I've never thought of Isadora and I as similar before, but her last comment definitely resonates with me.

I forgot how volatile her mood is, though. "Is that funny to you, Bishop?"

"No, sorry," I say. "It's just... I get it."

"How? Remus would never do something like that to you."

Oh, wow. Someone's behind on the times.

"I'm not talking about Remus."

"Then, who? Oh, did I even need to ask? It's Black, isn't it."

I jump slightly at the mention of his name. "Why does everyone seem to make comments about him all the time, or not seem surprised whenever something happens between us? I only just started having feelings for him, so how can everyone know that already?"

"Oh my, well isn't this a development?" Isadora seems shocked at this tidbit of information. "That's just, wow. Merlin, I'm pleased for him."

"You shouldn't be, he's a twunt head."

"Oh, right. Trust breaking. What happened?"

As if overcome by the ghost of a female author from the 1800s, I begin to tell my woeful tale of lies and deceit to none other than Isadora James. By the time I've finished, she's patting me on the shoulder and I'm suddenly aware that this is potentially the first time I've been this close to her without wanting to cause her grievous bodily harm. It's a surreal feeling, but then again, I'm feeling a lot of topsy-turvy things at the moment.

"Would you like me to hex him for you?" she asks as soon as I've finished my tale. "I'm quite good at spells, you know."

"I know," I reply, using all of my effort to not point out that I'm still Flitwick's favourite student.

"Or I could erase his memory, or yours. I've actually been talking to your friend Charlotte as we're both quite interested in memory spells, so I could give it a red hot go."

I raise an eyebrow at that statement. "I'll pass, but thanks."

As if suddenly aware that we've breached an unknown area in our relationship, Isadora rises to her feet, reaching for a book on the shelf next to us. We stare at each other. "Well, I'll give him a hard glare next time I see him in class, how's that?" she finally says.

"That'll do, thanks Isadora."

"Thanks yourself," she says before flouncing off, her red hair bobbing as she walks out of sight.

Well, that was interesting. I should probably leave the library now, though. I mean, I have got classes. NEWTs are coming up relatively soon, and all.

I've got Potions first thing, dammit.

Monday

February 16, 1978

Potions

Sometimes people really come through for you, and in this case the person that came through for me was none other than Sirius Black, the bane of my existence, who did not show up for Potions class today.

What luxury it has been, lounging at my desk, chopping ingredients without fear of having to look anyone in the eyes or indeed talk to, look at, or think about whatsoever.

I think I am indeed doing an excellent job of not thinking about Sirius Black, the person who weaseled his way into my life and into my heart and then pushed harder than he should have and left me feeling rather terrible inside. Definitely not thinking about him.

And I'm also not thinking about Lily, who I can feel staring holes into the back of my head, whispering about me with James, or Lottie, who gave me a hug when I walked into class.

And I'm also not thinking about Remus, who possibly hates me.

Also, Voldemort's a thing, and I'm not thinking about that either.

There's a lot of things I'm not thinking about.

Actually, you know what? I just realised writing about things means I'm technically thinking about them, so I might have to just not write in my diary for today. What do you think diary?

You won't be able to do it.

Wrong. I can.

We'll see.

Pfft. I can do it. I don't write in my diary everyday anyway, so it's gonna be a piece of cake. This is me, signing off, doing my potions, returning at an undisclosed date.

Monday

February 16, 1978

Gryffindor Girls Dormitory

Okay.

I know.

Yes, I know what I said.

But, as we may have already established - can we trust anything I say? Potentially not.

Before we get all annoyed at me for going back on my word, I only did it because it was important.

And again, before you say anything, I just had a very very very bad experience with Sirius Black.

How could it be so bad that you had to go back on your word, Eva?

Well, first of all, I only said I wouldn't write stuff down because I was trying not to think about him, but now that we've had an actual conversation I think it makes that point redundant!

So, what actually happened is the next part I suppose.

Every Monday evening we have quidditch practice. That's where this tale starts.

Unfortunately for me, I couldn't exactly avoid quidditch practice like I have tried to avoid every other area of my life thus far. Quidditch is quidditch, you know? Also, James Potter is my captain, and if I want to make it through the week without getting hexed I'd better turn up. I was kind of hoping he'd let me be a beater, because we all know it's therapeutic to hit things with a bat (not people, mind you, just inanimate objects).

Alas, he did not.

Practice was fine, you know, the usual grind. The only not-fine thing about practice was James Potter just kind of giving me sad looks the entire time and then looking away whenever he saw that I was noticing him giving me these sad looks. He almost got hit by a bludger though, which cheered me up.

After we'd finished practice, I was getting ready to head back to my dorm when none other than James Potter grabbed my arm and dragged me through a painting of trolls having a picnic.

As to be expected, I started lightly hitting him with my broom. Lightly, mind you. I didn't want to damage him. My broom, that is. James will be fine.

"Oi, Eva, can you please cut that out for a second?" asked James, more politely than I would have expected from a man being hit over the head by a broom.

I took a pause from hitting him. "Oi, James, can you please not kidnap me for a second?" I resumed hitting him.

"Yeah, I didn't, just- Just chill out," he grabbed the handle of my broomstick and ripped it out of my hands. Normally I would have been annoyed at him, but I guess it was a valid response under the circumstances.

He propped it up against the wall behind him, then crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow. "Are you going to be civil now?"

"I'm not a child," I muttered.

"Then don't act like one," he replied.

I stuck my tongue out at him.

"Okay, well I'm sorry for dragging you here, but I needed to talk to you, and I didn't see any other circumstance in which you wouldn't just avoid me."

He made a valid point. So far I have spent the last two days avoiding everyone, including and especially James Potter. I don't think I need to explain why.

"Well out with it, then," I said.

"I want to talk about to what happened the other night."

"Which night?"

"Saturday night."

"Right. That night. Well, the weather was good, uh, my bed was comfortable. Is that all?"

"Eva."

There was something in the tone with which James said my name, and something so sombre about his face that I found it very hard to keep myself together after that.

"I don't really want to talk about it," I said quietly.

"I know, but I've got to deal with Sirius right now, and it would make it a whole lot easier if I knew what happened."

I tried my best not to flinch when I heard his name. I think I failed.

"Haven't you talked to Lily?"

"Yeah, but she's hazy on the details too."

"I still don't really want to talk about it."

James peered at me through his glasses before blinking, taking them off, and rubbing the glass against his jumper.

I just kind of stood there, not knowing what to say.

"Do you want a hug?" asked James.

I nodded.

I don't think I'd ever hugged James before that moment, but he's very tall and lanky, so it kind of felt like I was being crushed by a pole, but in a comforting way. Makes sense? No? Good.

"You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to," he said after a few long moments, "but I would appreciate it if you did."

I took a second to weigh my options.

"It's quite simple, really," I eventually said.

"Sorry, but you're going to have to move your head from my shoulder," said James. "I can't really hear what you're saying."

"Oh, right." I extricated myself from his arms, which meant I then had to look him in the face, which I didn't like as much. "Well, the long and short of it is that he, uh... Well, he, um... He-"

"Rip it off like a band-aid, Eva."

"Well, he kissed me."

James seemed surprised to hear this. "Right. Interesting. Is that... everything?"

"Well, then he told me he read my diary."

James grimaced. "Yeesh, yeah, maybe not his best call."

"Nope."

"Have you talked to him about it?"

"What do you think?"

"I think-"

Unexpectedly, we were interrupted by a loud clanging noise, as the suit of armour down the hall lost one of it its hands, followed by some loud swearing.

Within seconds, James and I both had our wands out, pointing at the direction of the noise. To my knowledge, suits of armour generally didn't swear.

"This better not be who I think it is," said James, his tone of voice seemingly resigned to the answer. "But so help me, if it's someone else, we will hex you."

Slowly but surely, a head appeared in mid-air.

To my great displeasure, that head belonged to Sirius Black.

For potentially the first time in his life, Black didn't have anything witty to say.

All he did was stare at me forlornly, which just made me feel worse.

"I, uh, shouldn't be here right now," said James, looking between the two of us.

I pointed my wand toward him. "You set this up, Potter."

"No, no, don't blame him, his intentions were pure," said Black, pulling the invisibility cloak off him and holding up his map. "I came here on my own. I just want to talk, Eva."

"I'm gonna... Just..." James grimaced at me, glared at Black, and then walked back out through the painting he had pulled me through.

I took a deep breath and stared at the ground.

"Eve, I just want to talk, okay? I'm sorry, I-"

"Just, please stop talking, Black."

"Okay," he said quietly.

I slowly lifted my eyes to meet his. I immediately wished I hadn't.

I have spent almost seven years of my life looking at this boy, and I'd never seen that look on his face before. Not before today, that is.

I felt sick. I stared at the ground again.

"Eve, I-"

I held up my hand and he stopped talking.

"I don't want to talk to you right now," Was all I could find in myself to say.

"You don't want to-"

"No."

I looked at him again, but there was something simmering behind his eyes this time, and I didn't know if I could stop it from bubbling over.

"Well, the thing is, I want to talk to you, so you're going to have to," he said after a few moments.

"I don't want to-"

"Yeah, well you need to, Eve! I kissed you, and then you kissed me too, and then you just, ran off, and I... I'm left here feeling confused, and I don't know what's going on!"

"You shouldn't have read my diary, then."

"Diary?" He started walking toward me, slowly. "Your diary is just a bloody book, Eve. It has nothing to do with us."

I started taking steps away from him, and my back hit the wall all too quickly. "It has everything to do with us. It has everything to do with me. You know it's private, and you know how personal it is, well, you know more intimately than anyone else now."

"It was a mistake," Black replied, now barely two steps away from me.

I failed to keep the tremor from my voice as I responded, "So was kissing you."

He stopped as if he'd been slapped.

We stared at each other, as if we hadn't done that enough already. His face showed too much emotion for me to discern which one he was feeling. I was sure mine showed something similar.

"Do you mean that?" he said.

"Yes."

"Because I read your diary."

"No, because I can't trust you anymore. And, if you read my diary you would know that I still don't know how I'm feeling. You know that I just broke up with Remus, and you know that it takes me a while to sort out everything in my head!"

"I only read the last entry. The one where you said you had feelings for me."

"Well you shouldn't have read it at all."

"Well I did, and I'm sorry, but it clearly said that you have feelings for me! I don't understand what the problem is?"

We were yelling now.

"The problem is I don't trust you, and, I'm still trying to work through whatever my last relationship was, and I hadn't really worked out what my feelings were, and I definitely don't know what they are now! So you can't come here, expecting things from me when you were the one that let me down!"

"I let you down? Oh, that's rich." He curled his hands into fists and stormed off in the other direction.

"What in Merlin's name is that supposed to mean?"

He paused his stomping and whipped around to face me, where I was greeted with a look of incredulity so intense I was immediately caught off guard. He opened his mouth to say something, and then closed it.

"What, Black?"

"Bishop, the fact that you don't know the answer to that question is answer enough. Why did I ever..?" He shook his head and sighed. "I'm done here."

With that, he walked off down the corridor, and I stormed out the portrait and to my dorm, feeling bewildered and confused about what just happened, and annoyed that he had left making me feel like the bad guy, when I clearly have done NOTHING wrong here.

I am so mad right now. And annoyed and upset and confused and so many other things.

Here's a list.

A Potentially Incomplete List of All of the Emotions One Evelyn K. O. Bishop is Feeling in Regards to Everything that Has Occurred Recently in her Life:

1. I am angry. I am angry at Black for making me feel like this. I am angry at James Potter for letting me get into that situation back there. I am angry at myself for not being smart enough to know that getting involved with Black would be, is, and forever will be a bad idea.

2. I am confused. What on earth was Black talking about back there? Clearly he is in the wrong and I am not. Why he is he so obtuse that he could think otherwise?

3. Emphasis on angry.

4. Hurt? I'm very upset right now, but I also still can't help but feel something for him, still, even though he has been the biggest twunt head I have ever had the displeasure of coming across in my life. How dare he betray me and then make it feel like it's my fault.

5. OH BOY AM I ANGRY RIGHT NOW.

I am going to go to the Forbidden Forest and hex things because I have too much aggression right now to think or act clearly, and I need to let it out.

In conclusion, all feelings are cancelled from now on.

Three things:

1) Happy Easter!

2) I'm sorry, both for this chapter and that it took so long

3) I love you all dearly

OXO