~~Alison~~

When Charlotte and I arrived at the building site in the morning, Mr. Crowe was waiting in the room I had been painting the last few days. He clumsily tried to stand and nearly lost his balance. I questioned if he wasn't already drunk or perhaps coming off of being drunk from the night before.

"Mr. Crowe," I greeted curiously. "I wasn't expecting you back. You indicated your plans to remain in London."

"I decided against it," he said nervously. I observed him curiously. He seemed odd.

"I see." I went about my business, placing the paint on a table and preparing the brushes.

"Miss Heywood, I must ask you something," he said in a rushed tone.

I acknowledged him but didn't give him my full attention.

"Marry me!" he blurted. I turned around and stared at him with a confused expression. I shook my head and began to laugh.

"Are you drunk again?" I asked.

"I don't think I've ever been more clearheaded than I am right now," he answered.

I stopped laughing abruptly and my mouth hung open. "Are you joking?"

"I'm not. I want you to marry me."

"Mr. Crowe, we've made it perfectly clear we do not like each other. Why are you asking me to marry you?"

"I've thought better of my first impression and have come to the conclusion I'm in love with you," he said, taking a step closer towards me.

I didn't know what to say to him. I couldn't possibly say yes to him. I barely knew him. "Mr. Crowe, you have been a complete mystery to me and everyone else. I'm sorry, but I can't say yes to someone I barely know."

"Do you want to know about my fortune? About my property? Or my position in genteel society?"

"What?" I scoffed. "None of that even matters to me. I have little interest in fortunes or position."

"What is it you want to know?" he asked again.

I laughed and shook my head. "Everything. I don't even know your Christian name."

"It's Matthew. What else?" he questioned.

"Where do you come from? Who are your parents? Do you have any siblings?" I named off just a few questions I'd like to know.

He sighed and pursed his lips tightly. "Isn't there time for all that once we are married?"

"I'm sorry, but I want to truly know the man I'm marrying long before any discussion of marriage. My parents knew each other long before they married. Even my brother, who is to be married next week, has known Jane since they were kids. I want the same thing."

"Are you trying to tell me you already have someone in mind back in Willingden? Perhaps someone you grew up with?" he questioned sort of angrily.

"No," I laughed. "That not what I'm saying in the least. What I'm saying is I want to truly know the man I'm going to marry long before I say yes. I'm not about to say yes on a whim. How am I to make a decision that will impact the rest of my life on something I know very little about?"

His face dropped and I felt horrible for denying him. "Then I guess I spoke out of turn. Forgive me." He bowed and headed towards the door.

"What are you hiding?" I called out but he didn't stop to tell me anything more. Instead, he walked down the stairs and hastily down the street. I spent the rest of the day trying to come to terms with what happened. I still wasn't sure if what he asked was truly what he wanted or if it was some elaborate joke. He did enjoy teasing me and trying to egg me on at times. This could be another one of those moments. If it was, I believe I ruined his fun by not being a silly girl who would say yes to any man who asked.

I had come to the conclusion he had to be joking. There was no possibility of him ever having feelings for me. I knew I surely didn't have feelings for him. If I did, I think I would know. Yet, I couldn't get over the sinking feeling that perhaps he was sincere in his proposal and I had just caused him deep pain by not accepting. I felt like I needed someone to talk to, but I couldn't go to Charlotte since I knew she was dealing with her own problems.

I was thankful when later in the day Charlotte suggested we go on a picnic with the Parker women and children. I thought it even better when she suggested we invite Georgiana. I could talk to Georgiana and get her perspective.

When we started walking down the street, Georgiana and I stayed a distance behind the group.

"I can tell you have something to say," Georgiana observed. "What is it?"

"Mr. Crowe asked me to marry him this morning?"

"What!" she shouted.

I shushed her and took another step backwards away from the group. "I wasn't expecting it. He never gave any indication he had feelings for me. Quite the opposite, in fact. He's shown nothing but indifference towards me. Why would he ask me to marry him?"

"Did you give him an answer?"

"Of course, I did. I told him no."

"Alison!" Georgiana reprimanded. "You can't tell him no."

"I most certainly can. I'm not about to marry a man I barely know."

"Well no, of course not. But couldn't you have told him you needed time to think about it?" she asked. "Now I imagine he won't talk to you again. He won't be humiliated a second time."

"Didn't you tell me you turned down Otis plenty of times?" I asked.

"That was only in jest. He knew I could never marry him without Sidney's permission first. It was just our silly banter, not real," she explained. "If I could marry him, I would have instantly."

"How am I to know if he's sincere?" I asked. "His proposal was so sudden."

"Do you want to marry him?"

"I haven't the slightest. Like I said, I don't know him."

"Perhaps it's time you do get to know him."

We walked with the group out towards Sanditon House for the picnic Mary had planned, staying quite a distance behind everyone else. My mind was still reeling from the suddenness of the proposal but getting away to have a fun afternoon with the women as well as the children was helpful to clear my mind. Charlotte and I played with the children more than anyone else. Georgiana joined in at times but seemed more content to watch than join in our pretend hunting excursion.

When Charlotte walked with the children and Mrs. Stringer up to the house, the rest of us lounged on the blankets and pillows enjoying the last bit of sunshine for the season. None of us even noticed Mr. Crowe walking up the road until he was upon us.

"Mr. Crowe, I didn't see you coming," Mary said. "Please, do sit down and join us." I quickly sat up and glanced between him and Georgiana nervously.

"As a matter of fact, I've come out here to speak to Alison Heywood," he said staring at me with a pained expression. My eyes were fixated on his.

"Oh," Mary said with a grin. She clearly knew something. "Of course."

"Could I interest you in a short stroll through the park, Miss Heywood?" he asked hopeful.

"I'm sure Alison would be delighted to join you," Georgiana said with a smile. I shot her a look, but she only nodded in encouragement.

I stood and walked away with him while the rest of the group watched on expectantly. We walked silently for a distance until he spoke.

"I have a troubled past," he blurted. "If you knew half of it, you'd never want to marry me."

"So, your plan is to marry me while I'm naïve and unaware to trap me?"

"No," he said shaking his head and sounding frustrated with himself. "I'm just afraid you'll think differently of me."

"I must be honest, Mr. Crowe, I'm not sure I think much of you now," I said. "I know very little of you. How am I to form an opinion of someone I barely know?"

He sighed and stopped walking. I stopped also and turned towards him. He wouldn't meet my gaze with his eyes a clear indication he was still hiding and unwilling to be honest with me.

"What is it you want to know?" he asked. For the slightest moment, his eyes met mine then fell to stare at the ground again.

I sighed, seeing how uncomfortable he was. "Perhaps we can come up with a little game," I suggested. "As much as I don't know about you, I'm certain you know just as little about me. Perhaps we can take turns asking each other questions to get to know the other better."

He rose his eyes to mine and grinned. "I think I like this notion."

"I'll even let you go first," I offered.

"Alright," he said beginning our walk again. "Are you as avid a reader as I'm told Charlotte is?"

"I do enjoy reading, but my sister devours books within hours. I'm not quite as interested in reading as she is," I answered.

He nodded and gestured for me to take my turn in asking a question. I thought I'd better ask an easier question to begin with. He seemed hesitant to talk about his past or his family. "How did you meet Mr. Parker and Lord Babington?"

"We met as adolescents. We moved in the same circles and ran into each other a lot."

"There's no exciting stories of the three of you getting into mischief as young men?"

He chuckled. "There are plenty of stories. We were quite the trio. When Parker left for Antigua, it wasn't as fun to get into trouble with just Babs. Plus, he suddenly had a duty becoming a Lord when his father died," he explained. I enjoyed the fact that he was opening up more.

"I think I'd like to hear some of these stories."

"I'll have to think about some good ones. But don't think it's slipped that you've asked two questions.

"Did I?" I questioned playfully. "You'll have to ask two also then."

"Tell me about your family?" he asked.

"My father is a country gentleman. He's rather on the shy side but indulges his children with everything they desire. He has a few tenants on the property and farms the rest of it. My mother is ever the caretaker. She's cared for all her children lovingly. I have eleven siblings, including Charlotte. My parents are very much in love and show their affection for each other openly unlike most people. It's quite endearing and it's something I strive for in my own marriage."

"Do you think your family would approve of me?" he wondered with a grin on his face.

"Only time will tell," I answered truthfully.

"Your turn," he said.

"Have you ever travelled outside of England?" I wondered.

"I can't say that I have. I'm not quite as adventurous as Parker is. What about you? Ever been anywhere besides Sanditon?"

"Unfortunately, no."

"Would you like to travel?" he asked.

I smiled. "That was two questions."

He grinned bashfully and glanced between me and the ground. "You can have two questions when it's your turn," he offered.

"Very well," I agreed. "I suppose I wouldn't mind travelling, but I'd also be content settling in a home of my own with children in the future.

"Ah, yes. How could I forget?" he said. "You want a dozen of them like your own parents."

"I want as many as I'm blessed with. I didn't say I would be content with a dozen. Perhaps I'll have less. Or perhaps I'll have more," I answered with a grin. His heavy sigh and shake of his head didn't go unnoticed.

"And you think your body can handle having that many children?" he asked skeptically.

"I imagine if my mother can do it, so can I," I answered. "And that was three."

He scoffed and rolled his eyes. You can't blame me for being curious about your expectations," he said.

"Precisely why I wanted to do this little game," I reminded. "I need to know about your expectations as well."

"Alright. Three questions," he offered.

"Was your proposal sincere?" I asked. He stopped walking and stared at me with shock across his face. I stopped a few steps in front of him and turned to look at him. "It had crossed my mind that your proposal was some sort of hurtful joke."

He looked hurt by my question. "No. It wasn't a joke. I've never been so sure about anything in my entire life."

"What changed your mind?" I questioned. "We have been so indifferent towards each other. You've teased me and egged me on to initiate a quarrel of sorts on many occasions. What made you suddenly think marrying me was a good idea?"

He looked down at his feet and his jaw tightened. "You're the only woman who has ever gotten under my skin so much that I wanted to impress you. So much so that I changed everything about who I am to be more for you." He took a step closer towards me and looked intently into my eyes. I held my breath as he got closer. "You're the only woman I have ever pictured a life with. I can't imagine a life without you beside me." He took my hands in his now that we were only a step away from each other. "I've never been in love. But after a talk with Sidney, there's no denying what I feel for you is love."

As much as I couldn't move and felt like I might faint from the impact he had on me, I felt like this was the best time to ask what I'd been wondering and had noticed he avoided at every turn. "Tell me about your family?"

He instantly dropped my hands and took a step away. His breath caught in his throat as he turned away from me.

"If you don't want to talk about it yet, you don't have to," I offered.

"No, I agreed to this game," he said and turned back towards me. "You might not like what you hear."

"I find that impossible," I said with an encouraging smile.

That familiar pained expression was back, and he refused to meet my eyes, keeping his gaze glued to the ground at my feet. "I killed my mother," he breathed no more than a whisper.

My breath hitched and his eyes rose to mine searching for fear. I was more curious what he meant than scared. "Could… Could you explain more?"

His eyes closed and he sighed heavily, fidgeting with the brim of his hat. "When I was born, my mother died. She bled out. My father blamed me my entire life. I was a thorn in his side for taking the love of his life away from him. He ignored me and barely spoke to me growing up. What I did see of him was a man who drank his sorrows away and bedded a new woman every night. If I got in his way, I was sorely punished. I had a horrible childhood, being raised by evil nannies in a home I was constantly told I didn't belong in. Everyone loved my mother and I was told daily I should have been the one to die, not her. I've lived my life full of guilt and regret. The only time I find I can be in control of my emotions is when I'm drunk. I've told myself since I was a young boy I would never fall in love. If I had to marry, it would be for position or fortune alone. Then you happened."

A tear fell down my face. No wonder he was the way he was. He had plenty of hidden scars he had yet to deal with.

"So, Miss Heywood, now that you know the one thing I've never told another soul, are you ready to run away in fear and never speak to me again?" he asked looking as if he was fully prepared for me to run away from him.

I took a couple steps towards him while he rose his head with questioning eyes. I took his hands in mine and held them between us. His expression was still confused. I smiled up at him to give him hope. "No. I think you need someone to tell you what happened to your mother wasn't your fault. You were just a child who had no control over what happened. You deserve happiness and love after enduring all you did without going mad."

He smiled the biggest grin I'd ever seen on his face and he leaned his forehead against mine. "I can't promise I didn't go a little mad."

"Perhaps, with a little help, you'll be able to heal," I suggested with a smile. "Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me. I know it wasn't easy, but you must know by now, you don't scare me."

We laughed and enjoyed the intimate moment between us. I saw Mr. Crowe in a different light after our conversation. There was still so much I wanted to know about him, but for now, it was enough.

"Does this mean you'll accept my proposal?" he asked.

I pulled away for a moment and smiled before shaking my head. "There's still so much I still want to know. You are moving in the right direction, though. You'll also need to ask my father for permission first," I reminded.

"Yes, that. I suppose I'll be escorting you and your sister to Willingden for your brother's wedding to have the opportunity for a conversation with your father."

"Only if you truly want to," I said.

"I'm fairly certain there isn't anything I'd rather do than talk to your father, as gut-wrenching as it may be."

I laughed at the fear he had across his face knowing he'd have to talk to my father. He should probably be more fearful of my younger siblings than my father.

"Do you think your father will agree?" he wondered.

"I think he will make his decision based on what I want. He's always been a doting father with us children," I said giving him hope. I honestly didn't know how my father would take the news. I don't think he expected Charlotte and I to travel to Sanditon to find husbands. It may come as quite a shock to him.

His head tilt towards mine as if he was going to kiss me. My heart was racing with anticipation. I wasn't sure what to expect or if I even knew how to kiss him back. But I encouraged him by raising my face towards him. While his warm breath filled the air between us, and my lips parted waiting for the warm touch of his lips against mine, he stopped and pulled away. I blinked a few times and swallowed against the dry throat I now had. Why would he stop? Had I done something wrong?

"I should get you back to the house before someone gets suspicious," he suggested pulling away from me. My shoulders dropped in disappointment, but I nodded my head in agreement and started walking back with him. We were silent for a while until he started asking questions again.

"Where would you want to live? In Willingden where your family lives? Here in Sanditon? Perhaps you want the excitement of society in London?"

"I don't think I'd care where I live. I'd be happy anywhere," I answered.

"I do own property. When my father finally died, of course, I inherited everything. I haven't been back to that house since I was sixteen. I vowed I'd never go back and relive all those terrible memories. I have caretakers who oversee the house and manage the tenants. I suppose I could go back."

I wrapped my arm around his arm and leaned into him. "No. We won't live there. We will find somewhere else to live to make new memories."

He smiled and ducked his head bashfully. I couldn't help but smile at his demeanor changing. He seemed truly happy for the first time. It was as if once he got the heavy weight from his childhood lifted, he was finally free to be happy. I enjoyed the new side of Matthew Crowe.

Just as we got to the house, he grabbed my hand and pulled me behind a tree. I was confused at first. I didn't understand what he was doing until he pulled me close. I looked up at him and smiled giving him consent. His face lowered towards mine and met my lips with a gentle kiss.

"I couldn't wait for our wedding day," he chuckled, leaning his head against mine and holding me close to him.

"I'm glad you didn't," I said smiling up at him. He took that as permission to steal another kiss, this time more passionate and intensely. I had to break away for a breath of air and to remind us both where we were. He released me with a heavy sigh and walked me the rest of the way to the house.

"May I see you tomorrow?" he asked.

"I would like that. Perhaps Lady Denham will have another dinner party," I said. He smiled and nodded his head.

"Until tomorrow then."

He stepped away but didn't turn around until quite a distance away from me. I stood at the door watching him leave, still reeling from the feelings he inspired in me in such a short time. Was I truly nearly engaged to be married? What would Charlotte say when she found out?

NOTES: As I said on Twitter, every "frat boy" will be softened by the right girl just like Babs and Sidney were. I decided to go with Matthew for Crowe's Christian name. Seemed fitting although, for me, it's odd since my brother's name is Matthew. I think I'll continue to call him Crowe unless absolutely necessary.