Burger Hero 3: Working with the Police
Lincoln raced across the city excitedly, jumping from roof to roof with a light step.
Of course, this was nothing new, his super-powered legs carried him quicker than any car and fighting crime was always thrilling in a way- but tonight was special;
He was being summoned!
There; in the sky was a light with a burger shaped shadow in the middle. It didn't take Lisa to figure out that someone was emulating MidKnight's iconic signal!
And it was for him, all for him. Someone actually wanted to talk to him seriously, even if the light was hitting a blimp rather than the clouds ("that is practically impossible in real life male sibling" Lisa explained in her usual dry tone) it surely meant that the police wanted to work with him.
Things were finally looking up for him, and as he skidded to halt in the parking lot outside the police station he found himself validated to see a small army of police officers surrounding a massive light with a cardboard burger taped on the top.
"Burger Brawler?" The Police Chief stepped forward.
"Y-yeah!" He exclaimed, his cheerful voice reverberating with the voice changer in the suit throat "That's me!"
The chief was a visibly strong man, but getting on in years. He raised a gloved hand and Lincoln shakily extended it to shake, "I'm Chief Willis of the Royal Woods police department; I've heard a lot about you young man."
"You have?" Lincoln smiled, "I hope I made a good impression."
"Of course, we don't get many home grown… heroes like you." The man smiled. "In fact, we have something very special for you- a token of our appreciation for trying so hard to make our jobs easier."
"Oh you didn't have to get me anything," Lincoln flushed under his cowl. "I was just trying to help!"
"Oh we know, but we already got it so..." the man held his other hand out and a heavy suitcase was handed to him by a subordinate. "Why don't you close those eyes since it's a surprise?"
"O-okay!" His voice squeaked a bit in joy and he shut his eyes.
"Are you peeking?" The man's voice was cheerful.
"No!"
"Those lenses mean I can't see, so I have to trust you." The Chief laughed. "Cup your hands for me and I'll give it to you."
Feeling a bit silly, Lincoln obediently held his hands out together like he was cupping water- and suddenly felt and heard two hard clicks around his wrists. His eyes snapped open and he saw himself in a set of handcuffs.
He looked up at the suddenly humourless expression of Chief Willis with questions and betrayal.
"John Doe- also known as 'Burger Brawler'," the man glared down. "You are under arrest for Vigilantism, assault and destruction of public property. You have the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law-"
"WHAT!?" He gasped, and drew back- the crowd of officers suddenly surrounding him. "I thought you wanted to work together!"
"Police and criminals don't mix." The Chief curtly replied. "Resist and we are prepared to use force to detain you."
Lincoln gaped for a second, then glared in defiance. "I've been beating up bad guys all month; how come you think you can take me?"
The Chief indicated to the handcuffs with a touch of smugness.
Lincoln rolled his eyes and pulled his wrists apart- snapping the chain with ease.
"… I guess it'll take time to kick in..." The Chief muttered to himself, the quiet words only bared picked by Lincoln's enhanced ears as the man backed up, and his officers did the same.
"What takes time to kick in?" Lincoln snapped, the only thing he could feel 'kicking in' was his temper.
The Chief said nothing in surprise, and Lincoln looked around in annoyance. "If you're not going to say anything, then can I go? I don't really feel like staying around-"
"Sure you don't want to taunt us about how much better of a job you're doing than us?" One of the officers called out.
"Yeah- rub it in why don't you!"
"No I-" Lincoln frowned. "You know what- I don't feel like sticking around to find out what you did."
He grabbed his left cuff and tore it off, shattering it in the process before doing the same with the other-
"STOP!" The Chief demanded, and all the police suddenly backed away with wide eyes. "YOU'RE GETTING IT EVERYWHERE!"
"Getting what everywhere-" Lincoln stared at the cuff debris for a moment.
The way they'd snapped had felt different from steel. "… what were those cuffs made of?"
The Chief was visibly sweating, and Lincoln noted for the first time that the gloves he wore looked rubbery rather than like something made of wool or leather.
"They were made of an element that our lab boys say weakens you." Willis stalled. "It's very dangerous- you could get someone very sick they get even a bit on them-"
"What!?" Lincoln gasped, then started dusting himself off, if it could hurt him in his super-powered state then who knows what it could do to him when the serum wore off!? Heck, who knows what it could do to just the people who were near him!? "What is it?"
The Chief hesitated…
The comm in his ear suddenly buzzed, "base to BB," Lisa's modulated came through to his ear only. "I'm reading a slight, but unnatural increase in your suit's radiation levels, what's going on?"
"Radiation… " Lincoln gasped, then glared at the Police Chief. "This stuff is radioactive? What, did you try and poison me with Plutonium or something?"
The expression of the chief was stern, but slightly guilty. "We did what we had to do to-"
"Wait- really?" The boy looked around to see the confirmation in the faces of the Police around him. "And you all went along with this-OH FU-FRIG IT!" Lincoln turned and darted through the crowd of officers with his speed. "I wouldn't want to work with you anyway- you guys are dicks!"
"If it will put your mind at east, elder sibling," Lisa assured him from behind the decontamination shower curtain in her bunker. "My scans indicate that the spent fuel they used to make your constraints was well past use- so the rate and amount of exposure was insignificant, you very well could have simply gone to bed without issue. Pop-culture greatly exaggerates the dangers of nuclear power-"
"Yeah sure, whatever Leese," Lincoln grumbled. Considering that Lisa Loud routinely lost her hair and had an ever changing amount of fingers and toes from that 'exaggerated danger' he wasn't taking his chances.
Loud Lockdown's Silly Sequel (Non-canon to the original chapter)
Lincoln had remained silent about their new source of income. Instead, whenever Lori asked from now on he would raise the possibility of Mom's book doing well, despite the fact that they'd never heard the title and it was in the middle of an economic downturn.
Then Luna came to him, and he'd told her that he thought they might be welfare- since Mom and Dad had so many kids after all.
Then finally Luan came to him, and she'd flopped down next to him on the bed.
"Hey Linc, wanna hear a story?" Luan grinned.
"Sure!" He chirped, happy to listen rather than concentrate on his own Tale Teller crafting.
Luan smiled and began; "one upon a time; there was a sneaky-slippery little boy named… Abe!"
"Abe?"
"Abe," Luan nodded. "Abe was a silly boy, who liked making up stories when people asked him stuff; like when his sisters asked him 'how do our parents pay for us all?'"
Lincoln felt his stomach drop as he realised why Luan had chosen that name, "I'm not sure-"
"Shhh!" She shushed him, "I'm telling a story! Now; Abe lied to the first sister, and said that their mother's story was doing well even though he knew full well it hadn't even been finished yet!
Then; he lied to the third sister, and said they might be taking welfare even though he knew that wasn't true either!"
"Luan-"
"But!" She cut him off with a raised finger. "The fourth sister was a clever girl, and knew that Abe would just keep telling lies unless she had the truth; so she just checked her cameras and- we all know you know Lincoln."
Oh right, Lincoln remembered; Luan records everything.
"Well… why did you ask me then?" Lincoln questioned. "If you already knew about the…"
Wait, did they know?
"The porn payout, oh yeah!" Luan nodded, confirming his suspicions. "We just wanted to know if you knew since you just stopped asking about it. Everyone else was already in on it anyway so-"
Lincoln blinked, "wait; what!?"
"Yep," Luan scooted backwards. "All the big kids, all those times you caught us? We were making stuff for our own channels!"
She suddenly jumped forwards so he had to look into her eyes; "you wanna know what mine's all about!?"
Lincoln stared into the depths of… glee?
"No. No I-"
"Clowns," she breathed, then fell back onto her butt before jumping up again; "now c'mon, since you know about this stuff now we've all decided there's no point in keeping you from it!"
Lincoln stared at her, still trying to avoid thinking about his sister in her clown getup doing stuff- "what do you mean?"
"It's time for orientation!" Luan suddenly got a wild smirk and clapped her hands; "and you know what; I think I want to speed things up a bit!" She drew in a breath; "GIIIIRLS! HE'S RESISTING!"
"Wait what? But I didn't even-" Lincoln was cut off as Lori, Lynn and Luna suddenly burst through his door and stuffed him into a burlap sack.
"Oh by the way, the big money is coming in from the weirder stuff." Lori sighed, "so get ready for THAT."
The orientation in the basement was every bit as gross as he would have imagined.
Colder too, since he was conspicuously absent of vital butt protection.
"Why would I need to?" Lincoln gagged at the thought of his parents doing 'weird stuff'. "I mean, the only thing that's changed is that I know-"
"You didn't see the new ones did ya?" Luna looked up from her laptop, wearing some undecipherable expression.
It was true, there were actually alot of videos that were still uploading when he'd checked them, but he had been avoiding looking at the thumbnails at that point.
Lincoln felt his stomach drop out as his 'shenanigans sense' warned him of pain to come. "N-no; why?"
"Because WE'RE in them," Luan exclaimed. "We do stuff for the main channel as well, not just our own; and trust me- we're doing some strange stuff in them!"
Lincoln's tummy came back up again, and he needed to focus to stop it coming out of his mouth.
"Oh, oh yeah that's literally the expression I made too." Lori nodded.
"Why did ya think we were doin' it so much?" Luna sighed. "But I've gotta be honest with ya; wankin' is the least of it bruv!"
Lincoln started inching away from the group on the couch. "... Okay; thanks for adding to the budget I guess- well time to go- ERK!"
Lincoln found himself being suspended mid air by his turkey tail.
"Yeah; no." Lori grinned with malice. "You know now, so we've gotta make sure you're in this too!"
"In this?" Lincoln gasped.
"Yeah bruv, everyone who finds out; we gotta make sure they can't spill without burning themselves too!" Luna stoof up and popped her back. "It happened to everyone here- well Leni volunteered-"
"I love making people happy!"
"But all of us- we all gotta contribute somehow!" Luan nodded. "And we've all done our gimmicks for the site!"
Lincoln's eye twitched, "... well okay. I didn't need to know that. But what do you want me to d-Luan please stop making that face."
"You get these back AFTER you finish the SHOT!" Luan laughed as she dangled Lincoln's clothes out of his reach, the boy ineffectually jumping up to try and grab them with one hand as he cupped his naughty bits with the other.
"Girl PLEASE!" He begged, looking around- specifically at their faces since everything below was nude- "this is weird!"
"I know son," Lynn Sr sighed behind the camera. "But shota-incest-reverse-gangbangs are practically unheard of in live action, we'll have a monopoly on the market!"
"But I'm still- I don't want to do it!" Lincoln protested.
"Yeah well, most of us didn't want to do it with Lori either," Lynn Jr shrugged. "It's about time you pitched in too!"
"Yeah; stop whingin' Link or we're skippin' to the peggin' scene!" Luna grinned.
"Hey, can we do that first anyway?" Lynn stared at Lincoln's firm buttocks, jiggling only slightly as he jumped for his clothes again. "I mean, just LOOK at those cheeks..."
Lyra the Punisher:
"Phone, wallet and those earphones lady!"
It was easy for the larger man to shove the jogger into the utility pole, but just as easy for Lyra to see him and get a clear shot as he drew his head back for a moment. "I'm not going to ask twice damn it!"
BANG!
The mugger jerked back- and blinked in shock with his would be victim as the shot hit somewhere the broad vicinity of his right. The two stared in surprise at the young woman in a hoodie who held what seemed like a comically oversized revolver in her small hands.
"A-alright bitch!" The mugger declared with a shaken voice, suddenly pointing his knife at the throat of the woman. "You try that again and-"
BANG!
The man jerked again, but the movement only served to leave a scratch on the woman's throat as the bullet went wide.
"SERIOUSLY I WILL KILL THIS-"
BANG!
BANG!
The last two bullets flew out with similar success as their predecessors, the gun's completely untrained wielder having no chance of hitting any target that wasn't more difficult to hit than not.
"Are-" The mugger blinked. "Are you fuckin' serious-"
"OH FOR GODS SAKE!" The would-be victim suddenly pepper sprayed the man in his eyes, prompting him to jump back properly, howling at the sheer pain. "DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW TO AIM THAT THING?"
Lyra winced, "I-um-"
"I COULD HAVE DIED-" the woman stomped over and glared at the girl. "IF YOU- wait how old are you?"
"… Twenty," Lyra mumbled.
The woman gave her a flat look as she examined the exposed face under the hoodie;"… no you're not."
"No I am not," Lyra admitted.
"Well Miss Punisher," the woman pointed at the gun. "If you can't aim a gun properly you have just as much chance of killing a hostage yourself as stopping the bad guy and secondly; you're going to need more than a fucking hoodie to stop someone from recognising you."
"He had a knife at your throat-" Lyra protested.
"And I had my pepper spray," The 'victim' glared at her saviour. "I had that in hand, and even if I didn't the sudden movement of the knife hand from the guy being shot in the face could have killed me as easily as a misfire and…"
Lyra could do little as her would be rescuee schooled her on her failure. Feeling like a schoolgirl again all she could do was wilt and take her verbal lashing with some semblance of dignity.
"… how did you even get that kind of weapon at your age- if your parents got it for you they should've taught you to use it properly-"
"AHH, I'M GONNA GET YOU CUNTS!" The momentarily forgotten mugger glared through teary eyes, and barrelled at them.
Glancing at the woman, Lyra raised her gun and tried to prove herself capable once more- only for the gun to click.
"You didn't count your shots did you?" The woman sighed, and Lyra reddened in embarrassment.
"I thought I had one more…"
Rolling her eyes, the woman suddenly shoved Lyra to the side and stuck her foot out as the man reached them. Still half blinded he easily tripped and found himself tumbling onto the road- with a crunch as a truck passed them by.
"…"
"…"
"… Could I maybe just get his knife-"
"Just go before the cops get here."
Well her first outing as a vigilante hadn't gone well; but Lyra Loud was a determined young woman!
She might have had no way of getting ammunition on her own legally as a minor and illegal methods would surely draw attention; but she'd managed in her own way. As she raised the gun she'd stolen from those inner city thugs she aimed at the can and fired!
Missing entirely yet again.
It was at this point Lyra realised that for all her fury, the hundreds of hours of training to actually be good at shooting a gun wasn't just going to skipped in a montage like in one of Lemy's movies. Sure; she'd managed to get to the city on her own after the previous engagement ended with a splat, and her rejection at the Gun shop was quickly followed by her utterly amazing feat of beating and killing two grown men at least twice her size in two-on-one hand to hand combat-
Well actually one had had a gun too, so it was even more impressive- and that before talking into account that she'd never actually used a knife offensively before either!
But the point was that whatever God given (maybe Devil delivered would better suit her at this point) luck had blessed her, it clearly did not extend to magically providing her the skills of a master marksman.
But Lyra was not foolish; or some whiny brat. She still retained some tenants of her old faith, she could not change her brother's fate.
BANG!
But she knew she could grant his murderers theirs.
BANG!
And she could do it with her own strength, through practice and hard work. By coming here in the boonies, between Royal Woods and Detriot where even the local inbreds (except for her) couldn't be bothered to check out gunshots and practicing until she could FINALLY FUCKING HIT SOMETHING ON PURPOSE.
BANG!
The gun went off again, and the complete firearms novice was displeased to note that the can of grape soda remained defiantly untouched.
A bird however flopped from a distant branch, sans a head.
Once upon a time Lyra Loud would have felt remorse and pity for the creature, now she just wondered how evolution had produced a bird dumb enough to stay near gunshots. Shaking her head, she breathed in through the bandana that symbolised her lost love- and gagged a bit because it was already smelly with stale unwashed pubescent boy stink before bits of thug blood stained it.
Come to think of it, what did the rest of her- yep. Her entire upper body was covered in little bloody specs, just as one would expect if they had carved off a man's face with a broken glass bottle earlier that day.
Oh… that's why people were giving me weird looks on the way here….
Well there was nothing to do about it now; she raised the gun with focus once more. Sure- she was utterly unskilled and all her kills were largely luck and circumstance. But she was determined and resourceful; and as she pulled the trigger again she was sure she would find her way to her revenge, even if she had to fire a thousand bullets and climb over a mountain of bodies-
The gun clicked, signifying that Lyra Loud was out of bullets again.
"Dang it."