Thank you to Lalez for your inspiration, assistance and motivation with this chapter, I hope you like it.
Chris was a bundle of nerves the entire ride back to HQ and throughout 20 David's detailed debrief. She knew he would beat her to that bar as 50 David had left the scene before them and Rocker's debriefs were not as complex as Hondo's'. As she listened to her teammates talking, she couldn't get all of this with Street out of her head. So, as soon as he told them they could go, she changed into her civvies, headed for her truck and drove towards the beach bar.
By the time she arrived and pulled in she could already see his bike parked a little further down. She checked her appearance in the mirror before climbing out and walking towards the pier.
"Hi," she said, approaching him. Street was leaning on the railing looking out at the water.
"Hey," he answered as he stood up and turned to her. She stepped in front of him and without warning he leant into hug her. She smiled and frowned a bit at him with a querying look. Like a 'What are you doing?' as she tentatively hugged him back.
He nervously let her go and stepped back, "Sorry, I just," he shook his head and flattened his lips in a weird frown, not sure why he did that either. "So, how was your day?" He asked, almost on autopilot.
"Interesting," she nodded, eyeing him and then glancing out at the water too.
He looked over at her. "Oh yeah? Why's that?" Chris inhaled and contemplated what to say.
"No, you first. You asked me here. So, what is it? What do you need to talk to me about?"
"Ok, ok. Fairs fair. Wanna have a drink or take a walk?" He asked gesturing down to the beach or to the bar.
"Walk." She nodded reaching down and taking off her sneakers.
He followed her to the sand. Trying his best to calm his brain which was suddenly wondering if this was the best idea. If telling her Hicks wants a decision and that he needs to choose now what to do will only make this more weird and awkward.
As they took a few steps onto the sand Chris wriggled her toes and smiled at the feeling of the cool sand beneath her feet. They walked a little way in silence as Street tried his best to get his thoughts straight.
"I," the single syllable left his mouth slowly, and instantly Chris felt nervous. What the hell is he gunna say? What was this all about? Should she still ask him about what Molly said? Her mind raced too.
"Chris, I went to see Hick's this morning to….."
"Get the paperwork signed," they both said in unison and he then let out a laugh and she chuckled a bit gesturing for him to continue,
"Yeah, well, Hick's um, kind of threw a curve ball at me during that meeting."
"Oh, like what?" Chris mumbled as she looked across to him.
"Well," he frowned and stopped walking, putting his hands in his pockets and looking down.
Chris sensed him stop and stopped too, slowly turning to him. 'Oh, this must be something big' she thought to herself. For him to be like this. "Well what? You are gunna need to give me more than just that." She prodded raising her eyebrows.
"He, ah, wants me to pick a team permanently in the next two days." Chris shot her eyes to his. "HR are changing policies over and part of that," he continued looking over her shoulder and waving his hand nervously, "is that the teams need to be settled to permanent positions or something, so, he was saying that," he looked back at her and saw her drop her gaze away from his. She slowly closed her eyes.
"Wait." She held up her hand and turned away slightly. Holy shit, that had thrown her completely. The last thing she had expected him to say was that. Her mind swirled. She was still adamant about her way of thinking from back then, after she kissed him that night and the fallout that ensued. She was not going to let him trash his career for some hope of a 'them'. She would not let him lose the only family he has ever had just because of her. She slowly turned back to him as he stood frozen, watching her. He was terrified. Had he just blown things up more? She slowly lowered her hand, inhaling hard and just stood looking at him.
"What?" He chuckled slightly, trying to break her out of her daze. She swallowed hard and sat down on the sand, slowly patting a spot next to her.
"Jim, I, I can't be the reason that yo…,"
"Hang on," he said holding up his hand for her to stop as he sunk down next to her, "don't make your decision until you listen to me. I know you didn't love the idea of me swapping teams to begin with, so I want you to listen this time and be a part of this decision with me."
She didn't look at him, but she closed her eyes and exhaled nodding. She remembered that day at the hospital in the elevator when he told her he was swapping teams. She remembered how she felt. Sick, guilty, awful. Slowly she looked back at him as he continued,
"I swapped teams that day to give you space. To try to make you more comfortable and hopefully, fix our friendship. I still want that. I want," he paused and returned her gaze. "I want us to be okay. Bottom line. I mean I don't wanna make a decision here that sets us back or destroys this more than we already did."
Chris sat looking down at the sand for a moment. "I, look, I need you to understand something too. I can't make this decision for you." He would swear her dark eyes were almost sad as she looked back at him.
"Yeah, I know but Chris please, I just want and need you to be okay with this this time."
She looked away from him and he saw her jaw line tense. He knew she was struggling right now. He knew she wasn't good with words in situations like this.
"Chris?" He paused and waited for her to acknowledge him again. "Will you use your words and talk to me please?"
She scoffed lightly and shook her head a little. "Like I said, I won't be the reason you lose the only family you ever had."
He pursed his lips and nodded. "I get that. But 50 David actually aren't that bad, and I still see you guys almost every shift anyway."
She gave him a 'seriously' look. "They aren't us." She answered with a harshness to her voice.
"No, they aren't," he smirked a little. "But Chris, staying on 50 David wouldn't be the end of the world for me."
"I," she paused and looked down again. "Why did you ask me here to give my opinion if you have already made your decision?" She added looking back up.
"I ah," he began, "I didn't say that I had made a decision, I want your input, I want us to be ok again."
"Jim! You just said that staying 50 David wouldn't be the end of the world, it sounds like you have already made your choice."
He looked up at the sky briefly formulating his words. "Chris, it isn't that I don't want to go back to 20 David with you all, I…. I….. I just want to do what is best for us and allows us to fix this mess."
Chris shook her head. She was beginning to get a little frustrated here. "How can we fix us if you are on a different team from now on? and we lose that connection?"
He stood looking at her shocked for a second. "So, you want me back on 20 David?" He asked slowly. "So that we can spend all our shifts together, just like old times?
She looked away trying to get her own thoughts straight. "I don't want you to lose your family or hurt your career, just to fix us. And," she looked at him, "how can we go back to 'us' if you're not by my side anymore."
"Chris, no," he began as he slowly moved his hand to cover hers. "None of this is about any of that." She looked at him and could see the emotion and turmoil all over him. But as she sat there, she knew she was just as much of a mess right now.
"Then what is this all about, Jim?" She almost whispered looking at him for some clarity.
"I guess I need you to understand that me staying on 50 David would not be a bad thing. I would still be SWAT, still be doing what I love. Still have you all around me every day, and," he paused eyeing her, "it gives us the space of not being on the same team, side by side every day." Chris nodded a bit and then looked back at him.
"Why do you think I still want space?" She blurted, with hurt in her voice. There was a part of her head that was beginning to win this battle. That was beginning to convince her of what she needed to do here. What the only thing that would 'fix' them would be.
He sat back surprised and looked down for a second. "Chris, after it all, everything that has happened here," he said motioning between them. "I figured you still needed time,"
"Hmmmph!" Chris let out a huff.
"What?" He asked looking at her wearing a frown.
"Stop figuring and assuming for me damn it!" She almost growled.
"Ok, I'm sorry. I just, I." He paused and hesitated.
"What?" She glanced across at him.
He closed his eyes looking down. "I am trying like hell here, Chris. Trying to fix us." He slowly opened his eyes and looked back at her.
Chris nodded and looked down. She knew he was trying. She knew he didn't want to hurt her or them any further.
"I just, thought, assumed yes, you're right, that you might still need time to get passed my mess with Molly and rebuild our friendship."
"Is that it? The only reason?" She blurted.
He looked at her confused for a second. Not sure what to say or whether he should read into her probing question like his head immediately did. Before he could formulate his reply, she scoffed.
"And anyway, speaking of Molly. Don't you mean MY mess with Molly?"
He almost rolled his eyes as he looked away and then back at her. "Chris, Jesus, come on. Molly and I not working out was my fault. Not yours."
"Doesn't feel like it."
"Look, I screwed that up, not being honest and upfront with her. So, relax and please stop punishing yourself."
Inside Chris was fighting the urge to blurt out that question 'Did you tell her you love me?' She stood up and brushed the sand off her clothes. He watched her. He wondered what she was battling with inside. He knew her well enough to know something was eating at her. He wanted to make her comfortable enough to just say whatever it was. He stood up too and looked at her.
"You okay? Did I upset you?" She closed her eyes slowly, the pain showing on her face, as he spoke.
"Explain what you just said." She answered quietly folding her arms across herself, putting up that shield like she does when she feels vulnerable.
"What? The upsetting you part?" He looked at her confused.
She shook her head. "No, the not being honest and upfront with Molly. What exactly did you mean?"
He scrunched up his lips, "Right. Well, it's all the stuff you know though Chris. It all started to unravel when I wasn't upfront about you staying with us at Luca's. Then the drama at the hospital and it all kind of just came to a head from there."
Chris began to walk and nodded her head for him to join her.
"I know all of that, yes. But," She looked out at the ocean and paused. "Do you even know why I am upset and feel shitty?"
He stood looking at her as she looked back at him. He stepped closer. "Because I stuffed things up and dragged you into it."
"NO!" She almost shouted it in frustration, flapping her arms and turning away. "No Jim, that is not it." She began to walk back along the beach the way they had already been.
Street blinked up at the sky and chewed his lip shaking his head. 'God damn,' he muttered, 'why is she so hard to work out? To get to talk, actually talk about her feelings.' He thought as he jogged to catch up to her.
"Hey, Chris, wait." But she didn't stop. "I'm sorry." He called, but she didn't slow down. He adjusted his pace as he got close to her. Just behind her a stride or two.
"Tell me." He called. She briefly looked over her shoulder. "Tell me, what the problem is then?" Chris stepped onto the boardwalk and pulled her truck keys from her pocket.
"I shouldn't have to. Look, maybe this was just a dumb idea." She mumbled as she unlocked her truck and reached for the door handle.
He cautiously walked to the front of her truck. "Chris, please, what is on your mind? How do we fix it? Move forward? Get back to where we were?"
Chris looked back at him. She knew he was pleading and trying here. But she suddenly doubted everything she had been thinking might come out of this talk tonight.
"You just don't get it. Maybe we aren't ready to have this talk." She climbed in and reversed out driving away.
Watching her truck disappear he knew he couldn't just let it go. That he had been a clueless idiot and needed to fix this. He realised that she must blame herself for two things. Him swapping teams and losing his family, and for Molly walking away. He sat for a bit thinking, before climbing on his bike and riding towards her apartment. He was hoping the entire way there that she had driven home. That he would find her and be able to make her see that he didn't blame her, and she shouldn't blame herself.
Chris had not long gotten inside and thrown her bag angrily at the sofa. 'Why is he so clueless?' She mumbled angrily, as she stood with her hands on her hips. She was still so frustrated by him not seeing the whole picture here though. She moved to the kitchen and took a beer from the fridge, leaning on the counter as she sipped it and stared out the window. 'What now?' She asked herself. She had run away on him again. She had lost count of the amount of times she had done that. She knew inside that her walking away would have hurt him, would have frustrated him, that she had likely again, made things worse between them.
As she stood pondering what would happen next, how she would fix this mess, there was knocking on her door. She furrowed her eyebrows and wondered who the hell it was. The last thing she felt like was company. She put down her beer and walked around the counter to the door. Pulling it open she felt her heart stop as she saw him standing there, holding his helmet.
"Hey," he said, giving her a soft smile. "I know you're angry with me right now," he held up a hand to her, "and I am sorry. But I'm not gunna let you run away again; we have to work this out Chris."
She was still shell shocked, her fingers were shaking a little, so she clenched them slightly as she gestured for him to come in silently. He stepped inside and placed his helmet down on the floor as she moved away towards the kitchen counter. 'Why has he come here?' She muttered to herself, 'couldn't he just let it go?'
As he watched her walk to the kitchen, he knew he needed to offer an olive branch. "Can we just talk about this without either of us running away and shutting down please?" He asked softly. He saw her tilt her head in his direction, but she didn't turn to look at him.
"I only have a day or so to tell Hicks my decision, and I really don't wanna walk in there with you not speaking to me again." Chris felt a surge of annoyance or maybe even anger fly up through her. She turned to face him as she angrily closed a cupboard door.
"Then give me a real reason! Why is 50 David the better choice for your career? Giving me space is not a reason for career decisions." She paused and stared at him. He looked back at her with what she would swear was confusion and fear on his face. "Look, I'm trying not to get mad or shut down, but please," she looked at him and paused, "please just be honest." Chris almost cringed at hearing her own pleading and if she were completely honest, she was scared of his answer. What if what Molly had said wasn't true? While Chris's thoughts swirled in her head, she just kept levelling him with her eyes. Street had trouble to react to that. And so, he stammered out,
"I told you. I thought it would be for the best. So, we can fix us." He stopped when Chris visibly rolled her eyes at him as her annoyance grew even more.
"Why do you insist on making me the bad guy?" Chris finally exploded. She looked at him shaking her head. "I AM the reason your relationship ended. I WAS that other woman in it. It IS all because of me."
"Come on, that's not true." He tried getting her off that road but that was all he could get in word wise. Before Chris couldn't stop the question on the forefront of her mind anymore.
"So, tell me this," she answered looking at him. Anger evident on her face. "You didn't tell Molly you love me?" It flew out of her mouth and she could do nothing once it was said. She saw the shock on his face as his eyes widened. "Yeah, she came to see me the other day at HQ." Chris continued as she turned away to pick up her beer. "To have a girl talk, I guess." She opened the fridge and took another beer out, offering it to him as she walked back around the counter towards him. "She told me some stuff about you guys talking it out, and how I need to be there for you, be honest and talk to you, and then she said you told her you love me." She finished as she gave him the beer and looked up at him. She was waiting for him to say something, anything. But, as the silence echoed between them, she frowned and moved past him to sit on the sofa. He closed his eyes and lowered his head cursing to himself,
"Shit!" Before he moved to an adjacent chair and slowly sat down on the arm of it facing her.
"I'm sorry. I see why you're angry. That was something I shouldn't have said to her."
"You think?" She almost hissed, as she felt the uncomfortable silence.
She looked down and picked at the label on the bottle. He knew he had to derail that train she was on. He had to make her see that Molly and him being over was just the end of one chapter. That he was excited to see what the next chapters of his life will entail. That there is no need for her to torment herself like she is.
He looked at her. "Chris, you have got to stop punishing yourself for me and Molly ending it. It just wasn't gunna work out in the long run and we have both now accepted that. Yes, we talked it out and we agreed that it just wasn't meant to be, that we weren't right for each other."
In that moment Chris remembered more of Molly's words. "I don't have his heart, you do." Part of her felt her heart sing and swoon, and part of her was terrified and scared. She was sitting replaying all of it in her head when he moved in front of her and crouched down.
"I am sorry." He whispered. She struggled to meet his eyes though, keeping her head down. She nodded slowly, acknowledging him. "I just want to fix this. I can't lose you again." He said quietly.
"Can you tell me why you are so adamant to stay 50 David then? It has to be more than just to give me space?" She asked slowly looking at him through her dark hair. He watched her inhale hard and squeeze her eyes tight and sensed she was about to cry. So, he reached his hands out until his fingers met hers on the bottle. He took it from her and placed it on the table next to the chair with his.
"Chris," he slowly spoke, and he tentatively tugged her fingers until he held her hands. She swallowed hard and trembled. "I want to stay 50 David because, well, do you remember that day in the charger? Or that talk on the beach at the picnic day?" He paused and eyed her. She didn't look up, but she nodded. "Well, I guess deep down inside me, I will always still hold out a hope that one day, maybe, you will see how much I've grown. You will know in your heart that I AM ready for that kind of relationship, and more importantly you will understand how much I want that with you, and all that I am willing to do to make sure that it can happen."
Her emotions were all over the place. He felt the shake in her hands and heard her sob slightly, so he let go of her fingers and pulled her in to hug her. She closed her eyes as her head hit his shoulder. She felt tears escaping. His arms held her tight in silence for a bit. She could hear his heartbeat as her head rested on him. She bit at the inside of her lip to stop herself from crying more. She didn't want to make him let go, she didn't want to pull away. As she tried to summon the courage to sit back, he spoke again.
"And just for the record," he paused, "I was being honest when I said that to Molly. I DO love you."
She squeezed her eyes tighter and grimaced a little.
"Jesus, Jim!" She whispered as she pulled back slowly, wiping her face. She continued to stare down as she tried to summon the courage to look up at him. As she sat there still teary, not meeting his eyes, he felt like he had really ruined everything now. But deep down inside he knew that owning it was the right move.
"I'm just trying to be open and honest here Chris." He said quietly. "You can't actually be surprised by that? You had to know how I really feel about you. Why we've ended up like this?"
She slowly forced her eyes open and dragged them up to his. She couldn't even manage a word as his brown eyes stared back at her. He lifted his arms to hug her again, but as he drew her close, she held his gaze for longer this time. It seemed as if there was a part of her that wasn't ready to let that moment go. He looked back at her, and slowly lowered his arms to again hold her hands. She chewed her bottom lip a bit and closed her eyes briefly.
"What?" He softly whispered eyeing her. "Talk to me Chris." She danced her eyes around his face,
"I am not surprised, no, but that's a lot of pressure. What if?" She began as she swallowed hard. "What if I um?" She looked away from him as she summoned the courage to say the next part.
"Chris?" He whispered squeezing her hands gently, reminding her that he was here and listening.
"What if we take the chance and I can't live up to your expectations? What if it turns out differently than you imagine? What will happen then?"
He tilted his head to the side and his eyes widened a little.
"What do you mean?"
"I just am scared that, that we might stuff this up, and I can't lose you either," she mumbled softly.
He squeezed her hands and sighed. "Chris, you won't lose me. I'm not going to walk away from you. You are all I want."
She looked down again and inhaled slowly, trying to summon all her courage as she slowly nodded.
"What? Use your words?" He prodded, as she sat looking at their hands.
"Okay, well, what if I want to say, stuff all that. What if I am ready to maybe agree you stay on 50 David, so that you and I could," she traced her teeth over her lip and slowly glanced at him.
His eyes were still wide, and they were scanning every inch of her.
"So that you and I could, what?"
She smiled a little and rolled her eyes. "I gotta say it, huh?"
She saw his face beginning to smile too. Those damn dimples.
"Maybe, you and I could, actually try this." She traced her thumbs over his hands, and she was sure her heart stopped as she watched him in front of her. He was frozen. He said nothing. Made no moves or attempt to answer her. The silence made her suddenly mutter to herself, 'shit good one Chris, you've gone and done it again.' She was about to force him back so she could stand up when, he squeezed her hands hard.
"Chris, are you, I mean are you sure? You want to take that risk on me now?" She could hear the disbelief in his voice.
"Look, I still don't like that you want to stay on 50 David but, I've realised something the last few days." She answered. "That I've got to stop fighting this. Stop hiding and just be honest here. So, um, Jim," she paused and wriggled forward closer to him. Her knees pushed into his legs and her hands nervously tugged at his shirt. "I guess I feel now, that it's not about me just thinking how risky this could be. It's more that, I kind of now think, it would be more risky for us both not to, not to actually see what this, what we, could be." Slowly she looked up at him as his disbelief faded into relief and then sheer happiness. His dimples grew as his face lit up, realising what she was actually saying. His eyes looked back at her and in that moment time around them seemed to slow down. As they sat there, with only a few inches between them, Chris felt herself slowly move her gaze to his lips. The skin on the back of her neck began to prickle, and her stomach started to flutter. Her fingers tightened on the front of his shirt as she tugged him closer, leaning up to slowly graze her lips over his. The warmth of his lips against hers made her let out a low exhale, almost a relieved sigh. He felt that rush too and moved his hands to her neck and jaw line, bringing her lips to his with a hunger that she had felt too, kissing her hard.
As they eventually drew apart for air she smiled, looking at him as he stared at her. The next few words wouldn't stay inside anymore. In that moment she just had to let it out.
"I love you too. I do."